25. Chapter 25

Following the trial in which Pierce was convicted, Kate appeared to be getting back to her old self. The pain from surgery had dissipated slightly and the little girl no longer flinched in the presence of people she knew around the district. While she was still shy around people she was unfamiliar with, Kate had opened up even more to her parents, Hank, Will, Platt and had even taken to Atwater, Ruzek, Burgess and Olinsky. The nightmares she endured seemed to be the same if not worse following the trial, the experience likely pushing the trauma to the surface.

"They're booking him for 10 to 15," Hank reported to Erin and Jay as were pouring cups of coffee in the breakroom. "Stone just called."

"Good." Jay stated, stirring his coffee, "I hope he rots there."

"Believe me, heading up to Statesville as a chomo isn't going to end well for him." Hank glanced at Erin, who appeared to be absent, "How did drop off for the first day back go?"

"Really well, actually." Erin told him, snapping out of her daze, "She was excited to go back and since her stomach's been better, we thought it was okay. I mean, she's only going to be there for a half day so she can come here and nap but it is way better than sleeping all day."

Jay nodded in agreement, "Oh, Er, you have a doctor's appointment, right?"

"Yeah." She turned to her sergeant, "I got a check up in the afternoon so I'll need a half day."

"No problem." Hank nodded, heading for his office.

"Jay." Erin caught her partner's arm, "Annie asked if I could meet up for a drink. Is it cool if I just meet you and Kate at home for dinner?"

"Of course, babe." Jay kissed her lips lightly before settling down behind his desk.

Erin had been distant all morning. Intelligence was working on a backlog of paperwork, which didn't require much attention, but she didn't even flinch at jokes made by Ruzek and Atwater and barely noticed when Jay refilled her mug of coffee. "You good, babe?" Jay asked when the bullpen was deserted for a moment and it was just the two of them.

She nodded in response. "Yeah, just tired." Jay raised his eyebrows in suspicion but didn't push her. Erin rose to fill her mug for the third time that day, leaving her partner concerned but worried still.

"Daddy! Mommy!" Kate bounded up the steps and hurried to her father's desk, where Jay was seated with outstretched arms. Platt waved to Jay after she saw the little girl reach her father and head back downstairs to manage the front desk.

"Hey Squirt! How was your day?" Jay grinned, holding the little girl tightly in his embrace, "Did you have fun?"

"Yes!" Kate exclaimed, leaning back on Jay's lap, "We learned about the arc-tic and the polar bears! Daddy, did you know that their fur is actually clear, not white?"

"Wow." Jay smiled, pressing a kiss atop her head, "So it was good to be back, hm?"

Kate nodded eagerly, "I go back tomorrow too?"

"Well, tomorrow is Saturday, but on Monday you will, okay?"

The little girl nodded again, hugging her father close again. "And my tummy doesn't hurt and I'm only a lil sleepy."

"That's great, Squirt." Jay stroked her head, "How about some lunch and then maybe a little nap?"

"Where's Mommy?" Kate lifted her head and glanced over to Erin's empty desk.

"She's getting coffee, I think." Jay informed her, "Do you want to go look for her?"

Kate nodded and slid off Jay's lap in search of her mother. She poked her head into the breakroom, where Erin was standing in front of the coffee machine, zoned out as it dripped into the pot. "Mommy?"

"Hey, baby!" Erin turned and smiled widely. She bent down and opened her arms, accepting Kate into a big hug, "Did you have a good day?"

"I learned a whole lot," Kate said, wrapping her small arms around Erin's neck, "And I'm not hurting."

"I'm so glad." Erin stood with her daughter in her arms, "Are you hungry?"

Kate shrugged, resting her head on Erin's shoulder. "How about a sandwich?" Jay asked, leaning in the doorway of the breakroom. "Maybe a grilled cheese, Squirt?"

"'kay," she mumbled, relaxing against her mother. Erin took a seat at the table with a fresh cup of coffee and smiled at her partner.

"I'll have a turkey club, babe. No-"

"No tomato, I got it." Jay winked and headed out. Kate closed her eyes and dozed lightly against her mother.

"I'm done with lunch," Kate leaned away from the table and pushed the sandwich from the edge.

"You've barely touched your food." Erin eyed Kate's meal, trying to calculate exactly how much she'd eaten. The carrot sticks and chips that Jay had sprinkled on the wax paper were all still there, along with most of the grilled cheese.

"I'm not hungry." Kate shrugged and then yawned. "And I'm sleepy."

"Can you eat three more bites?" Jay asked, having devoured his Rueben and was now picking chips off Kate's plate.

Kate did as she was told and set the sandwich down again. "Mommy?"

"Yes?" Erin glanced up from her crusts, placing them on the wrapping, "What's up, sweetheart?"

"Are you okay?" Kate asked quietly, glancing nervously up at the young detective. Jay widened his eyes. The little girl had picked up that something was off with her mother as well.

"Why?" Erin cocked her head to one side. "Do I look funny?"

"I can tell when you're not okay," Kate said honestly. "You're making me worried."

"I'm fine babes." Erin managed a smile, but Kate didn't return it.

"I can tell." Kate insisted as she searched her mother's eyes. "Is it because you gotta see a doctor?" The little girl widened her eyes. "Are you sick?"

"No, no, it's just a check up. Everything's okay, I'm just really tired." Erin patted her daughter's hand. "Please don't worry. Daddy and I both had long days yesterday, and we're still recovering."

"Okay." Kate said flatly, clearly not accepting what Erin had said. Jay continued to stare at his girl, now becoming increasingly worried about her. He raised his eyebrows, silently asking Erin if she was okay. She nodded and smiled as if to tell him to stop worrying, but the smile didn't reach her eyes.

Kate fell asleep in the breakroom shortly after Erin and Jay finished their lunch. While Erin headed out to her appointment, Jay went to catch up with a CI, leaving Kate with Grandpa Hank. He was still worried about his girl, who had hurriedly rushed out of the bullpen with just a quick kiss to both him and Kate.

Just as Jay had gotten his hopes up about potentially getting home early, Intelligence caught a crime scene downtown. He texted Erin about it but didn't receive a reply, ramping up his anxiety ten-fold. Even when she was busy, Erin made a point to respond to messages promptly. He called her cell, hoping to catch her leaving the doctor but was met with just her voicemail.

Hank determined that Intelligence had done all they could do that night and sent unit home with the caveat that they get to the district bright and early the next morning. After a whole evening of overtime, Jay trudged up the stairs to the bullpen to fetch Kate from the breakroom and head home. It was now the wee hours of the morning, and he was wiped. His cell phone chimed and he quickly fished it out of his pocket, hoping that it was Erin. Instead, it was a text message from Annie, saying that she had been at the restaurant waiting but had left because Erin hadn't shown up.

Jay's stomach dropped as he dialed his girl and received her voicemail again. A text came in a second later, this time from Erin. She claimed that she was at a bar with Annie and that cell service was spotty but that she would see him and Kate later. Jay felt his heart clench and palms go sweaty. Erin had lied to him, something they promised that they would never do to each other. She clearly wasn't with Annie and something was up, but he didn't know what it was.

In hopes that he'd meet Erin at home, Jay carried Kate to the Sierra and drove to the apartment, glancing down at his phone every so often to see if she would respond to the text he sent; "call me when you get a chance."

"Daddy?" Kate mumbled, lazily opening her eyes as he attempted to unbuckle her once they had arrived at their apartment building, "What's happenin'?"

"Hi Squirt. We're home." Jay carefully maneuvered the little girl out of her seat and onto his shoulder. "You'll be in bed soon."

"Where's Mommy?" Kate murmured, opening her eyes a little wider and glancing around the parking garage as Jay headed for the elevator.

"She's meeting up with her old friend Annie. Don't worry, she'll be home really soon."

"Why do you look so worried?" Kate cocked her head slightly to the side, pulling back to get a better look at her father. He did indeed look worried, the wrinkles around his eyes more pronounced. Jay sighed, as he had forgotten just how perceptive his little girl could be.

"It's late, I'm just tired," Jay replied lamely, not wanting to lie to the little girl but also not wanting to tell her the full truth. After entering the apartment, he carried Kate to her bedroom and softly set her down on the bed.

"Can I wait for Mommy?" Kate whispered, her voice fading with tiredness.

"You need your sleep." Jay kissed her forehead and pulled the covers over her tiny body. "Goodnight Squirt, I love you." Jay quietly closed her bedroom door and headed for the kitchen. The microwave clock read 1:30 in neon green that was so bright it stung his eyes, illuminating the kitchen in an eerie green glow. After a slice of cold pizza, Jay decided he should go to bed and wait for Erin there. He didn't want the television to wake up Kate, so instead Jay stared up at the ceiling, listening to her heavy breathing through the baby monitor. Suddenly, he heard the door close and quiet footsteps enter into the apartment.

He could tell it was Erin by the familiar scent that flowed through the bedroom door as she undid her pony tail and slipped off her boots. Jay watched as the thin silhouette of his girl pulled her pajamas out of the bottom drawer, muffling her breathing by pressing her pajama top against her mouth. "Erin?" Jay quickly switched the light on to reveal his girlfriend, tears streaming down her cheeks.

Jay sat up, looking at Erin in shock. Her eyes were red and puffy, tears now gushing out of her eyes. "What is going on?" he asked tenderly, getting out of bed and wrapping his arms around her quivering frame.

"I can't," she stuttered, "I can't."

"You can't what, babe?" Jay kissed the top of her head, rubbing her goose bumped arms gently, "What's got you so upset?"

"I just can't." Erin burst into a fresh set of tears.

He led her to the bed and had her sit down on the edge of their mattress. Taking a seat next to her, he wiped her cheeks. "Take a few deep breaths, and then you can tell me what's going on, when you're ready."

"I lied," Erin wept, "I'm sorry."

"I know, babe, Annie texted me. She said you never made it to the restaurant." Jay continued to run his hands up and down her arms, "You've been off all day. What's going on?"

She shook her head violently, exploding into more sobs. "You'll hate me."

"Er, whatever you've got going on, you can tell me. I'm not going to hate you, I could never hate you." He kissed her forehead gently and wiped more tears off her cheeks. Her partner's gentle touches only seemed to make Erin cry harder as she fought to find her words.

"I-I can't," Erin choked out, "I can't…"

"You can't what, babe?" Jay repeated, cupping her cheek with one hand and carefully wiping the constant stream of tears away with the pad of his thumb, "It's okay."

"I can't have a baby," she wailed, turning away from him and burying her face in her hands. Erin dissolved into sobs, barely able to keep her body upright on the bed. Jay leaned away as he processed what his girl had just told him before scooting closer to her and placing a gentle hand on her back.

While Erin continued to sob, Jay rubbed her back, slowly absorbing the news himself, "I'm so sorry, Erin," he said finally, once he found the words to speak, "I'm so sorry."

"I didn't even know I wanted it. And now that I can't, I-I-I-" More sobs erupted from her throat as she crumbled against her partner. He wrapped his arm around her shoulder and brought her closer.

"Is that why you went to the doctor today?" Jay asked, tracing slow circles on her arm in an attempt to soothe her.

Erin nodded again, tears continuing to stream down her face. "After I had those bad cramps in Wisconsin I kn-new something was wrong with me. And I didn't want to tell you b-because I didn't want you to worry." She erupted into another round of broken sobs, "And then today the doctor she said it was probably because of all the crap I put into my body when I was a kid and I couldn't bear to f-face you because it's my fault!"

"I'm so sorry Erin." Jay repeated, pressing another kiss atop her head. He brought her impossibly closer, cupped her face with his hands and ran his thumbs across her cheeks. "This is not your fault, okay? Everything is going to be fine. All that matters is that you're healthy."

"I should be able to give you a family, Jay." Erin pulled back from his embrace, "I know you want kids and everything and I can't give you that."

Jay felt his heart clench, "Oh, babe," he breathed, bringing her in closer again despite her distress, "You've already given me a family. You brought Kate into our lives. You got that little girl to open up to us and you continually amaze me every day with how good a mom you are. Please don't think you not being able to carry a child means you can't have a family, because you already do."

Erin sagged against his chest with a sob, "I'm sorry," she whimpered, turning her face into his shoulder, "I'm sorry."

"You don't need to apologize, babe." Jay rubbed her back delicately, "We are going to be okay. You and Kate are all the family I will ever need, I promise."

She sniffed, seeming to accept her partner's words but suddenly burst into tears again. "But-but what if this is a sign? What if I turn out to be a terrible mother? What if when she becomes a teenager she runs away or something terrible happens to her?"

Jay sighed, continuing his gentle ministrations. "Erin, you are an incredible mother. Kate loves you more than anything in the world, and she-"

"Mommy? Daddy?" A small voice called softly. Kate stood in the doorway to their bedroom, clutching Tiger in one hand and rubbing her eyes with the other, "I heard Mommy crying."

Erin shuddered, her tears slowing down. "Oh, baby, I'm sorry I woke you up. I just had a bad day, that's all."

"Do you want to come snuggle for a bit, Squirt? Give Mommy some love, huh?" Jay asked, holding a hand out to the little girl. She nodded and clambered onto the bed, wrapping her small arms around Erin's neck.

"Why you crying Mommy?" Kate asked, settling in close to her mother. She tentatively reached up and brushed a tear off Erin's cheek, causing the woman to cry harder.

"Oh Kate." Erin pulled her little girl into her lap and cradled her against her shaking chest. "I love you so much."

"I love you too Mommy." Kate looked confused at her father, who just shrugged his shoulders and smiled.

Erin breathed in the scent of Kate's soft hair. "And you're never going to leave me, right baby? You're going to stay my little girl forever and ever."

"I never want to leave you," Kate yawned, snuggling in closer to her mother, "because you are the best mommy in the whole world."

"See, Er?" Jay smiled, "You're an amazing mom. And we can talk about this more in the morning, okay? But I think for now, you need to rest."

"I love you," Erin whispered tearfully, "I'm sorry."

"No need to be sorry." Jay kissed her lips tenderly, pulling the comforter back and helping his girls snuggle in, "I love you too."

Erin awoke earlier than usual. Noticing it was five in the morning and she still had two hours until she was needed at work, she decided to go for a run.

Jay's exhausted figure lay sprawled across the bed, Kate pressed into his side. Both Halsteads had their mouths slightly agape and were breathing heavily, the occasional snore escaping Jay's lips. Erin smiled at their similarities before slipping into her running shoes and quietly escaping out the front door.

Kate rolled over, awoken by the front door closing. After a few minutes, she sat up and glanced around the bedroom. Her father was faintly snoring, but her mother was nowhere to be seen. Quietly, Kate climbed out of bed to search for Erin. "Mommy." She called out softly, peeking her head into the bathroom, kitchen and living room. "Mommy!"

When she spotted Erin's badge and phone still on the kitchen counter, Kate raced back into her parents' bedroom. "Daddy!" she whispered urgently. "Daddy, Mommy's gone."

He turned his head and blearily peered at his daughter. "What's going on?"

"Mommy's gone!" Kate cried, her eyes filling with tears. "Mommy left! She was crying last night and now she's gone!" She erupted into broken sobs.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa." Jay was fully awake now and pushed himself up on his forearms. "Breathe, Squirt. Mommy's probably just gone out for coffee or bagels."

"No!" Kate shrieked. "She's gone! She said she wasn't going to leave but she did!"

Quickly, Jay got out of bed and headed for the living room. "Her stuff is still here. She probably went for a run, look, her sneakers aren't here."

"She left it so we couldn't find her!" Kate was hysterical. Sobs wracked her body as she gasped to catch her breath. "She got sad so she left me!"

"Kate, sweetheart," Jay cooed, attempting to soothe the little girl. He lifted the frantic child in his arms and held her against his chest. "Mommy's coming back. You don't need to worry."

"No –hic- she said –hic- she wanted a baby and she –hic- can't so she's not coming back –hic- because she doesn't want me!" Kate wailed, leaving Jay stunned at the perception that the little girl had for other people's emotions. He hadn't realized that she had overheard his conversation with Erin that night, nor that she would put two and two together.

"Listen to me, Kate. Listen." Jay spoke calmly and clearly. "Mommy loves you more than anything in the world. She's going to be back in a few minutes, I promise."

"No!" Kate shouted and wriggled free of her father's grip. "You don't know! I'm not hers for real!" She turned for the door. "You have to get her! You have to go and bring her back!"

Jay picked up his child again, running his fingers through her hair. "Your mom and I love you so much. We're not going to leave you, ever."

"You don't understand!" Kate sputtered, pushing against Jay's chest. "You don't –hic- know!"

"What don't I know?" Jay was trying his best to remain calm as his daughter quivered in his arms. "Tell me."

"I'm not a b-baby! I'm not hers! You and Mommy –hic- want someone who's –hic- both yours!" With that, Kate erupted into another round of sobs, burying her face in Jay's neck.

Just as Jay had found words to comfort his child, Erin quietly opened the front door and caught sight of her distraught daughter and bewildered partner. "What's going on?" she asked quickly, wiping the sweat off her forehead with her sleeve.

"To be honest, I'm not entirely sure." Jay stroked his daughter's back. "Kate had a bit of a panic attack when she woke up and you weren't here."

"Oh, baby," Erin stepped toward her family, but Kate turned her head away.

"No," Kate spat, with as much venom as her shaking voice could muster. "Stop." Erin took a step back and exchanged glances with her partner.

"I think because you were upset last night, she thought you were going to leave," Jay explained. "Look, Squirt, Mommy's here. Everything's okay."

Erin's face softened, cheeks rosy from the mid-January chill. "I was just out for a run because I got up early. I wasn't leaving you. I would never..."

Kate still refused to look at her mother, hiccups wracking her small body as she clung desperately to Jay. "I'm going to go shower, and then we can talk about this, okay baby?" Erin squeezed her daughter's shoulder gently before retreating to the bathroom.

Jay sat on the sofa with Kate still in his arms. Her sobs had reduced to shudders, but a few tears still leaked out onto his shoulder. "I'm sorry Daddy," she whimpered, "I'm sorry."

"It's okay, sweetheart." Jay wiped her tears away with his thumb. "Everything's going to be okay." He held her in his arms while his girl showered, listening to her soft breaths on his shoulder.

Erin emerged from the shower and sat next to her family on the couch. "Kate, baby, why are you so upset? You know I go for runs sometimes in the mornings. So does Daddy." She ran a hand over her daughter's head, exchanging worried looks with her partner.

The little girl shook her head, burying her face further into Jay's shoulder. "We need to talk about what just happened, kiddo," Jay said gently. "You were saying that you think we don't want you because you're not a baby?"

"Because I'm not both yours." Kate mumbled. Erin's face fell at Kate's statement.

"Sweetheart, of course you are ours. You're our little girl." Erin reached out to touch her daughter's back. "You know that we love you. Where is all this coming from?"

Kate sniffed and turned her tear-streaked face toward her mother. "M-Mr. Bowler said because I'm not yours for real that you can leave me and never come back. And you said you want a baby."

"Ed Bowler? He doesn't know anything." Erin looked at Jay and scowled. "Kate, just because I didn't give birth to you doesn't make you any less mine. Remember what we talked about with Dr. Handel? Daddy and I love you so much, and we're never going to leave you."

"See, Squirt? Everything's okay." Jay patted her back and smiled at Erin, hopeful that the worst was behind them.

"But you want a baby. You cried about a baby!" Kate looked to each of her parents expectantly.

Erin sighed. "The reason I cried is because the doctor told me my body couldn't naturally have a baby. I was just upset that I wouldn't get the chance."

"But you can! All sorts of mommies have babies in the hospital," Kate told her matter-of-factually. "I've read books."

"You've read books, huh?" Jay smiled. "Well, Mommy and I have a lot to think about when it comes to getting you a little brother or sister, but no matter where they come from, they will never replace you, got it?"

Kate nodded. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I-I-I just got worried when you cried and left. I didn't want Mommy to leave." She explained, appearing nervous now that she thought she was in trouble, "I-I didn't mean to yell."

"I know. And it's okay, sweetheart. I bet Mommy is looking for a hug though." Jay glanced at his girlfriend who nodded.

Kate looked up at her mother with wet, swollen eyes and extended her arms so that Erin could hold her in her lap. "I love you Kate, don't ever forget that."

"You'll love me even when I'm terrible?" Kate rested her head on Erin's chest, holding tight to the woman who loved her and chose to raise her as her own.

"Even when you're terrible. Not that you've ever been terrible in the slightest." Erin kissed the top of Kate's head, "You are absolutely, one-hundred-percent perfect and I love you."

"I'm sorry for crying," Kate whispered, snuggling in closer to her mother. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay to cry baby." Erin stroked the little girl's cheek. "We love you no matter what."

"Now, let me check your tummy to make sure your incision is okay." Jay lifted up Kate's pajama top. "It looks a little aggravated but should calm down soon enough. Let's take your medicine, sound good?"

Kate nodded and allowed her mother to carry her into the kitchen. "I love you Mommy." She whispered into her ear.

"I love you more." Erin whispered back, kissing her little girl on the cheek.

FYI may take me a little longer in between chapters - work is crazy! Let me know what you think!