68. Chapter 68

Hi! Sorry it's been a bit. Let me know what you think.

"Erin!" He shouted, his world suddenly moving in slow motion as his partner collided with a pedestrian on a bike. Jay registered her insistence that he move forward and was immediately impressed and thankful that the season NYPD sergeant could handle the prep so effortlessly. He turned back to Lindsay, expecting to see her back on her feet like normal. Instead, crimson blood stained her palm as she removed it from the back of her head.

It was as if time stopped – Jay caught her in his arms and gently lowered his partner to the ground, feeling like he had taken a knife to the gut. She whimpered in protest as Olivia Benson ordered an ambulance. "We gotta get you checked out, Erin," Jay insisted, gripping her cold hands tightly in his, "You need to stay awake, you hear me?"

She attempted to grunt, but it came out as a pained hiss, the back of her head throbbing. "We got you," Jay assured her, glancing up at Benson for support, "Stay with me, Er."

Erin's lips quirked upward as her nickname came off her partner's lips. "You got 'm?"

"Yep, we got him," he confirmed, giving her hands a squeeze as the ambulance arrived, sirens blaring. She grimaced at the noise, another whimper escaping before she could stop it.

"Halstead, go with her," Benson instructed, "I'll call your sergeant."

"He'll just worry," Erin protested weakly, "I don't want him to worry." Her eyes fluttered.

"Erin!" Jay gently stroked her cheek, the busy New York street around them fading into the background as he focused on his partner, "You need to stay awake, you hear me?"

"Mm," she replied, reaching a shaking hand out to grasp Jay's coat, "C-can you…?" She didn't finish her sentence, but he knew what she was asking.

"Of course, I'm riding with you," he said, climbing into the back of the ambulance beside her, "Hang tight, okay?"

Kate was weeping silently as her mother hastily buckled her up and jumped in the Sierra, intent on putting as much space as possible between her frightened little girl and her partner. She was absolutely livid at Jay, frustrated with his actions beyond belief, but underneath it all, she was worried. Her Jay, the Jay that she'd known for years, the Jay who always had her back, always had her family's best interests at heart, would have never wanted to scare his little girl the way he did.

"W-where we goin'?" Kate sniffed, a tiny hiccup punctuating her question. Erin pulled to a stop in front of the red light. She hadn't fully thought it through. On one hand, a trip to Hank's would mean the inevitable questions and her partner's most certain ass-kicking, but a trip to Will's or anywhere else wouldn't bear the same security as her childhood home. While her mother mulled over their options before opening her mouth to speak, Kate piped up, "Do we gotta tell Grandpa Hank 'bout Daddy?"

Erin furrowed her brow and glanced in the rear view mirror, her gaze softening when she caught her little girl's teary reflection. "No, baby," Erin exhaled, making a right to continue on the way to her sergeant's house, "We don't need to tell him, if that's okay with you."

Kate shook her head, "I don't wanna tell him," she rushed out, "I-I don't want him to get mad at Daddy, no matter what." She paused, "I don't want no more yellin'."

Erin nodded and took a left into Hank's neighborhood, exhaling again. Her almost father's house had always been a safehaven, and as much as she didn't want to be seeking his comfort in the wee hours of the morning, she was grateful to have it as an option.

She pulled in behind the Escalade in front of Hank's house and helped Kate out of her carseat. The little girl was still shaking slightly and wrapped her arms tightly around her mother's neck, intent on ensuring there was as little space as possible between the two of them. "It's alright, baby," Erin whispered, locking the car and trudging up the steps, "We're okay."

Kate buried her face in the crook of Erin's neck as she knocked forcefully on the back door. The house was dark when they pulled up, but Erin hoped that Hank would wake up. She didn't want to use her key for the same reason she didn't use it years back after quitting the federal task force – she didn't want to scare him. The man slept with a shotgun beside his bed, for crying out loud.

"Hank, it's me," Erin called out when she heard footsteps approaching, "Can you open the door please?"

Hank swung open the back door to reveal his almost daughter and her little girl, both appearing absolutely exhausted. "You've got a key for a reason, kid," Hank said gruffly, setting the shotgun beside the door when he realized his granddaughter was in Erin's arms, "Everything okay?"

"Locked out," Erin replied quickly, stepping into the house she had truly grown up in. Kate was clamped to her side and refused to lift her head off her mother's shoulder, "I know you've got a spare to our place but can we just crash here tonight?"

Hank frowned but nodded. "Where's Halstead?"

Erin shook her head and swallowed thickly, "Couldn't reach him. I just didn't want us to sleep in the hallway while we were waiting."

Her father figure remained skeptical, though he gestured upstairs, "Your room is always here for when you need it."

"Thanks," Erin managed, hastening toward the steps to avoid looking in her sergeant's eyes. She didn't want him to see her cry.

The lamp that Camille had picked out for her illuminated the faded posters on the wall as Erin entered her old bedroom. "We're going to go to bed now, sweetheart," she whispered, running a hand over Kate's head, "Can I put you down?"

Kate let out a soft whimper and tightened her grip around her mother's neck, "I don't wanna sleep."

"I know, baby, but you and I are just going to snuggle in bed for a bit." Erin eased onto the bed, Kate still in her arms. "Are you alright?" she asked, stroking the little girl's hair as she continued to press her face into her mother's neck.

Kate managed a nod and reluctantly pulled back from her fierce grip, gazing up at her mother with vulnerable eyes. "W-what's wrong with Daddy?"

She sighed. "I don't know, babes. Daddy and I have a lot of things we need to talk about-"

"Don't leave me," Kate interrupted desperately, tears welling up behind her eyes. "Please, please don't leave me."

"Oh, my love." Erin held tighter to her little girl. "Don't you worry, I'm not going to leave you."

"Daddy scares me now," Kate sniffed against her mother's top. "Daddy smelled like the mean men and he-he was actin' like them and he's makin' me scared." She burst into tears, sobs wracking her tiny body. "Please promise Mommy, please."

"I promise," Erin murmured, pressing a kiss atop Kate's head. "I'm not going anywhere."

Erin lay awake all night, holding Kate closely in her arms. Thankfully, the little girl slept, albeit fitfully, allowing Erin some much needed time to think. In all the years she'd known her partner, he had only gotten blindly drunk a handful of times. While Jay was a no-nonsense detective, he was always gentle with her - sometimes too gentle, she would argue. Jay was typically kind and understanding, a far cry from the person she had been subject to since the shootout.

Her shoulders were slumped in her grey t shirt, her hair almost escaping her loosely done pony tail. Jay could tell from twenty feet away that something wasn't right. He approached her slowly, whispering a soft "hey" and putting a hand on her shoulder.

She jumped and quickly wiped her eyes. Jay could tell that she had been crying for quite some time, as her eyes were red and her cheeks were glistening with dried tears. "Oh!" she choked out, inching away from him. "What are you doing here?"

"Looking for you. I thought you were bringing Kate home, but it's nearly midnight."

"Is it really that late?" Erin checked her phone. "Oh gosh," she sniffed, "Kate needs to take her medicine and she's probably passed out." Hurriedly, she made her way to the stairs.

Jay caught her by the elbow. "Hey, hey," he said softly, looking into her glassy eyes. "What's going on?"

"It's nothing." Erin took her arm back and again headed for the exit. "Really."

Again, Jay was too quick for her. He stopped her in her tracks before the steps. "Erin," he said gently. The young woman looked away, clearly trying to suppress tears. "I'm your partner. You can tell me anything."

"It…it doesn't involve you," she rushed out, peering over his shoulder as if planning her escape.

Gently, Jay lifted his hand up to her warm cheek. "Er, if you're crying, I should to be involved."

Erin blinked rapidly. "Jay, please. Can we not do this here?" She shot him a look of desperation.

He dropped his hand. "Not here," he nodded. "Kate's already taken her medicine and she's asleep."

She nodded, folding her arms across her chest and taking a step down the stairs. "Can I meet you at home? I need to take care of some things before I go."

The concern in Jay's eyes was almost too much to bear. "Er…" he trailed off as she took another step. "You're worrying me."

"I told you, let's not do this here," Erin said firmly, taking another step, clearly trying to avoid her partner's gentle gaze, "I'll see you at home. I won't be long."

Jay sighed, but headed back to break room where he picked up his little girl and headed for the car. The drive home was silent, Kate very much asleep.

Jay sat up on the couch, waiting for his partner to return. Erin had texted to let him know she was on her way, but it didn't stop him from worrying. They worked hard as a couple to break down the walls they had erected around themselves, each chipping away at the others in an attempt to further their relationship. He knew how much she had gone through growing up, both from what she had disclosed and what he had been able to piece together.

Snow was falling gently on the frigid Chicago streets as Erin stood in front of an empty playground, her arms folded tightly across her chest. The wind was whipping harshly and her eyelashes were practically frozen from tears as she reminisced to back when she had first moved in with the Voight's, when Camille had asked her to pick up Justin from the playground and bring him home for dinner.

The carefree little boy joyously raced around the park with his friends, each holding a stick as a sword as they pretended to be valiant knights defending the castle. He had begged for five more minutes and she couldn't bear to pull him away, so she sat on the swings, overcome with how endearing her new brother could be. His innocence tugged at her heart strings, because when she was his age, she was far too familiar with how cruel the world could be.

Years later, that innocent, sweet boy had a child of his own, but was ripped away from the life he was building far too soon. Her heart burned as she thought back to growing up with Justin, how he begrudgingly accepted her into his life. When she couldn't take the cold any more, Erin climbed into her car and drove home, entirely lost in thought.

Erin's bones ached from the negative degree weather, February in Chicago in full force. She shivered as she stepped off the elevator and wiped her eyes, intent on kissing her sweet baby girl good night. She was hoping that the long day had caught up to her partner and that she could just fall in bed beside him. Instead, Jay was sitting up on the couch, thumbing through the late night channels in a pair of sweats and just a zip up covering his bare chest. He turned when he heard the key unlock the door and widened his eyes when his exhausted partner shuffled into their apartment.

"Hey," he stood, unsure of exactly what his girlfriend needed in the moment, "You're back."

She managed a nod, still standing in her heavy coat and boots. "You alright?" Jay asked, crossing carefully over to where Erin stood. He furrowed his brow when she didn't make a verbal reply. "Babe, you're frozen. How long were you outside?"

Erin shrugged and cleared her throat, fumbling with the zipper on her coat, "I'm o-okay."

"You're a human popsicle," Jay replied gently, reaching out to help with the zipper, "I'm getting goosebumps just looking at you."

She sniffed in response, a shiver coursing through her entire body when Jay took off her coat. "I was at a park."

He nodded in response, squatting down to untie her boots. "Let's get you warmed up. Do you want to hop in the shower while I make something hot to drink?"

Erin remained in the entry way, her partner's kind offer barely registering. "Babe?" Jay asked, standing up and cupping her cold cheek with his warm palm, "You're freezing, Er."

"It's Justin's birthday," she blurted out, practically choking on her own words, "It was. And-and I almost forgot."

He was quiet for a moment, realizing Hank's late son's birthday was the reason his boss had been more irritable than usual. Hank and Erin had barely spoken either, both feeling too vulnerable to say anything. "I know you miss him," Jay said finally, taking one of her frozen hands in his, "Today couldn't have been easy."

"I didn't remember til tonight," Erin whispered, "It was so busy and he was my brother." A tear escaped her red-rimmed eyes, "And I just can't believe he's gone."

Jay reached out and she melted into his embrace, body trembling as his warmth penetrated her bones. "I know," he murmured, holding her close, "I know."

Erin began shivering more aggressively as they stood in their hall, the warmer apartment air and her partner's arms finally bringing some feeling back to her frozen fingers and toes. "How about some tea or something?" Jay offered, tracing a small circle on her shoulder with his finger, "Or a hot bath?"

"I like where I am now," Erin mumbled against his shoulder. He chuckled softly.

"I like it too, but I think my body can only provide so much heat. Don't want you catching a cold or something, babe."

"Mm," she replied, leaning up to kiss his cheek. "Shower with me?"

He raised his eyebrows, "Why? 'cause your fingers are too cold to turn the dial?"

"Uh-huh," Erin breathed, stumbling forward as she ushered her partner to their bedroom.

Jay was always so tender with her, but especially gentle with their little girl. He was acutely aware of just how much trauma she had been through and where her intense distrust of men came from. Since the beginning of their family's time together, Jay was always cautious when interacting with Kate. When he had taken off after Jackson and returned home wasted, despite the situation, Erin had been grateful that Kate hadn't been awake.

Now, after Kate had witnessed her father stumble into their apartment, reeking of whiskey and beer, Erin wasn't sure if they'd ever get back to the relationship they had previously. In all the books she'd made a point to read about foster care, adoption and childhood trauma, there wasn't a chapter on how to backtrack after you'd seriously messed up.

Her little girl slept fitfully, whimpers escaping her lips every so often. Erin could have sworn she heard a soft, "Come back, Daddy," as she tried to doze off, resulting in a stream of silent tears as she held her baby as close as she could.

At eight, Kate awoke with a soft groan. "Mommy, my tummy," she moaned, gripping her abdomen, "I'm hurtin' again."

Erin turned to her daughter and stroked her hair back, "I know sweetheart. We have to go home to get your medicine and a change of clothes." She grimaced as she thought about how she was going to play this. Kate's stomach usually started to hurt after a long bout of anxiety. Doctor Manning had prescribed some medication that could be used to offset the pain until Kate had calmed down which usually helped.

Kate's eyes widened. "I don't wanna go home."

Erin's eyes filled with tears at her baby's honesty. "I know, I know. But we have to get your medicine and…"

"Daddy scared me," Kate interrupted, scooting closer to her mother. "He made me scared and reminds me of the mean men."

"I know," Erin repeated lamely, "but we have to get your medicine from the apartment. And I heard Hank leave earlier this morning but maybe when he comes back you could stay-"

"I-I-I wanna be with you," Kate rushed out, "I want you." Tears trickled down her cheeks, "Please Mommy."

She kissed the top of her little girl's soft head, "I'm not leaving you, babes, I promise. We can go back home together, but you can even wait in the hallway if that would make you feel better." She looked down at her baby, who appeared so distraught. Erin swallowed the lump in her throat, "I'm sorry about this my love, but it will make you feel better. And no matter what happens, Daddy still loves you."

Couldn't resist a few flashbacks in this one!