23. Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word

Thanks again for your feedback! :) This one turned out longer than I wanted it to be, sorry for that. Hope you'll enjoy it anyway :)

23. Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word

Erin has been sitting in her car in front of Hank's house for almost an hour already. It had suited her pretty well that a thunderstorm with heavy rainfall had approached and she had to remain in the car. But although it was only slightly raining now, she preferred to stay in the car, staring out of the window and concentrating on the rain drops falling on her front window and then watching them sliding down and melting with other rain drops.

Spending the past weekend in Wisconsin with Jay's family had made her realize how much she missed Hank, the man who had immensely helped her to become the person she was today. The man who had saved her life. The man who was her father and whose heart and trust she's broken eight weeks ago.

Today in the bullpen, when they had once again only talked the most necessary she had again realized how deep that wound was and that it was about time to make a step into his direction. To apologize for the things she's done, for hurting him, for not telling him the truth, for behaving the way she had.

She's had this upcoming conversation in her head several times throughout the day and the days prior as well but now, as she sat in her car and listened to the rain pouring on the roof, she didn't know what she really wanted to tell him, what she should tell him, how she should even apologize.

What she knew was that he had every right to decline her apology but yet she was scared that he'd do exactly that. This was what still kept her in the car and made her think whether leaving was maybe the better option. Maybe he would never forgive her, maybe things would forever stay the way they were now, tense and icy.

Her mind kept on to revolve about this for a little while longer and at some point she started the engine of her car but didn't pull out on the street and then turned it off again. Running away wasn't the right thing to do. She had done this way too often in her life already. To put her original plan into action was the right thing to do. She needed to face him and no matter how he would react, he deserved to get an apology at least. That was also what Jay had told her earlier when she had told him about her idea of visiting Hank: that she should face him and talk things out and not run away from this conversation that really needed to be made by now.

Erin sighed, took a deep breath of air and then looked to the other side of the street, to the house that once had been her home and the Escalade which parked right in front. She took another deep breath before she unbuckled her seatbelt, opened the door of her car and stepped out in the rain. This gray and ugly weather suited her current feelings perfectly she recognized as she made her way to the front entrance. She felt as nervous as if she was about to take an important exam when she knocked on his door, felt her heart pounding in her chest and for a second she thought about running away again but she forced herself to stay.

She stared down to the floor, read the word 'welome' on the doormat and thought about that she was maybe not really welcome here anymore, when the massive front door swung open. Erin liftet her head and she felt how a lump built in her throat only from meeting his gaze. He looked surprised but not too excited about her visit.

″Hey,″ she said raspily and cleared her throat so she was able to speak louder. ″Uhm...can we talk?″

″What do you wanna talk about?″ he asked. Obviously he wasn't exactly eager to have any kind of conversation with her and this was one of the possible reactions she has feared.

″I think we both know, don't we?″she shrugged, standing up to his piercing glance.

″Hm,″ he only mumbled.

″I'm not leaving here until you at least listen to what I have to say,″ Erin answered with a loud and clear voice and scanned him for his reaction.

Hank scanned her, too, saw the glimmer of stubbornness in her face that she always had when she was determined to do something. It was an attitude he's actually always liked about her.

″You wanna come in?″ he then asked her. It was something Erin hasn't expected. She's been sure that she'd had to tell him in the doorway as he didn't want her to come in.

″Uhm...yeah,″ she nodded and followed Hank through the hall into the all too familar living room that hasn't really changed in years.

″Do you want anything to drink?″ he asked her but she just shook her head in response. All she wanted to do was apologizing and maybe getting one step closer back to the relationship they used to have.

″Hank,″ she said and inhaled a deep breath. She glanced around in his living room, tried to find a point she could stare at and then lowered her head and concentrated on her shoes. But once again she didn't know what to tell him, words failed her. Why was it so hard to simply say sorry? To tell him all the things that were on her mind and had even kept her from sleeping the previous three nights since they've returned from Wisconsin.

″Erin?″ His voice interrupted her thoughts and she lifted her head and looked at him, saw how he furrowed a brow. He was waiting. And he would surely kick her out of his house again if she wasn't saying anything soon. She inhaled deeply again and chose her words advisedly.

″The way things have passed off on that day...you know...I'm sorry for that. I didn't make the smartest decisions...regarding everything...and you deserved to know about it in a different way. It was never my intention to hurt you but I know that's exactly what I did. And I'm also sorry for that,″ she said and was even able to look at him all the time but towards the end her voice got lower and lower.

″Mhm,″ Hank only nodded and for a moment it didn't seem like as if he wanted to say anything else but then he asked her the one question she didn't know how to answer.

″You know, I'm still trying to figure out why you didn't tell me, Erin, but the only answer I can find is that you were afraid for whatever reasons. So maybe you tell me now? And I don't wanna hear that thing with not being ready for desk duty again because we both know that wasn't the only reason,″ he said and his voice was rising a little.

″But it was a reason,″ she answered before her words turned into a stammer. ″The other thing was...I didn't want to disappoint you I guess...you did so much for me...that I'm able to do this job I love so much and I had the feeling I'm throwing it all away with the pregnancy...I had the feeling to disappoint you...and in addition I was disappointed about myself. That I had let this happen, that I got pregnant accidentally. I knew you wouldn't be a fan of this, too, and I think I just couldn't handle this combined disappointment. I didn't want to get pregnant, that for sure wasn't a goal in my life and I was overstrained with everything. I still am sometimes,″ she admitted. ″I know that's what you are anyway now. Disappointed, mad, hurt, whatever,″ she then added with a voice that was a whisper.

″I am, Erin. All of that. But am I disappointed because you got pregnant?″ he asked rhetorically. ″No. I'm maybe disappointed that you and Halstead were obviously a bit careless when it came to birth control because I thought you are responsible enough to not get pregnant by accident. And I'm extremely disappointed that you were afraid to tell me. That is what is hard for me to accept. I'm hurt you couldn't come to me about this. And am I mad because I think you're throwing your life away? No. I might not be a fan of this because I think it's not the right time for you to have a baby, it's too early and too rushed. But it's not my life, Erin, it's yours. So it's none of my business. The decisions you made, like the one that you decided to keep the baby and that you obviously rather want to be a housewife than a cop, are none of my business. But what is my business is that I'm your boss, Erin and that it was your duty to tell me because I'm respsonsible for all of you, you and your baby. The way you dealt with your pregnancy in the beginning, first deciding to have this baby and then refusing to give up the dangerous part of your job for the safety of exactly this baby, was the main reason why I was mad, Erin. I never thought that you would act like that, so selfish and childish, and that's what I'm most disappointed about. Either you're in or you're not but you can't choose fifty fifty when it comes to pregnancy.″

″I know,″ Erin only nodded, trying to let all of his words sink in. She could hear in his voice that he was still hurt and his words made her realize that he was still anything but excited about the pregnancy in general.

″The question is: are you in now?″ Hank asked her, raising his eyebrows while gazing at her.

″I'm working on it,″ she shrugged. She couldn't say yes because that would be a lie, so this was the most honest answer. She tried her best to come to terms with her pregnancy, even enjoyed all the intimate moments, that her pregnancy brought, like when Jay had his hand on her stomach to feel their baby move or when he talked with it. But yet she still feared the future too much as that she could say she was all in.

″Hm,″ he only mumbled in response and they stood there in an awkward silence for a moment.

″Anyway, I just wanted to tell you I'm sorry...for everything...I really am.″

″Mhm,″ he nodded. ″I accept your apology, Erin and I appreciate that you came here as I know how hard it is to say sorry. I maybe even understand your reasons a little better now. But you can't expect that this will change things immediately.″

″I don't. I just wanted you to know that it was never my intention to hurt you. As you said, I was scared about telling you for the mentioned reasons. I was actually scared about everything in the beginning and I didn't really care about the baby as well,″ she admitted and Hank was honestly surprised how open she was towards him, especially after only exchanging the most necessary words for weeks.

″Do you care now? Especially since you told me some weeks ago in the hospital that you don't.″

″I didn't mean it like this back then,″ she mumbled, feeling pretty uncomfortable that he's brought up this conversation again. ″I was not myself that day, I don't even think I was part of this world...somehow. But I was just so scared to lose Jay, to be alone with our baby that all I cared about was him. All day long I had these possible what-if-scenarios in my head and all of this was too much for me to handle. So yeah, maybe I tried to ignore my pregnancy that day, not because I didn't care about the baby but because with being so feared to lose Jay I couldn't care about it somehow.″

″Hm,″ Hank only nodded once again. ″What about now?″

″How can you not care about someone who steals your attention by kicking you and doing somersaults almost 24/7?″ she asked back and even had to laugh a little.

″24/7?″ Hank echoed but a small smile formed on his lips for the first time since she has arrived as he glanced at her round stomach.

″Maybe a little less,″ she grinned. ″But still, it's crazy how strong it already is.″

″Is it kicking right now?″

″Nope, sleeping. Was kicking all day in the bullpen. Guess it is bored from desk duty and hates it as much as I do,″ she sighed and the smile on her face kinda faded again.

″Maybe it's a sign of joy though,″ he answered and thought whether he should also ask her about her fears, whether they have also faded a little within the last few weeks. But actually he knew that she was still scared and all insecure. And although he still cared about her and was thankful that she has come to talk things out, this kind of conversation maybe was a bit too much and too personal for both of them yet. At least for him.

″Who knows,″ she shrugged and sensed that it was better to end this conversation at this point. She was happy how things have turned out so far, it was better than she had expected, and it was one big step into the right direction although she knew they were still far away from where they have been as well as she knew that Hank still wasn't a fan of her pregnancy. But he had to accept it just as she had to. They couldn't undo it anymore now and she had to admit, although she still didn't like to imagine her life as a mother, she would miss something if she wouldn't feel the many kicks and the movement of her baby every day.

″Uhm, I think I gotta go then. Jay's making dinner and I don't wanna let him wait for too long,″ she said as Hank obviously didn't know what to say, how to continue their conversation, as well.

″Halstead can cook?″ Hank asked and his voice sounded honestly surprised.

″Yeah. He's a pretty good cook actually. Better than I am.″

″Not sure whether this is a convincing argument to prove that he's a good cook, because being better in the kitchen than you are is not that difficult,″ he smirked.

″Thanks for the compliment,″ Erin said and gave him a faint smile. ″See you tomorrow then.″

″Yeah, see you tomorrow,″ Hank said before Erin walked out of his house and left him alone.

XxXxXxXxXxXxX

A week passed, including a weekend with Izzie and Paul where Erin and Jay officiated as tourist guides and showed them their city, and things between Hank and Erin started to change for the better in the bullpen as well. They were able to have normal conversations again without exchanging icy glances and this was a progress. Erin had of course told Jay about her conversation with Hank and he was happy that they were on a good way to work things out. He knew she needed him and not having the father-daughter relationship anymore that they used to have was harder for her than she wanted to admit.

While Erin seemed to be in a more or less good mood when she was in the bullpen together with Jay and Mouse or the rest of the unit, she tended to be quite moody whenever her and Jay were at home. She didn't talk too much, snapped at him quite often but he tried his best to ignore it. Maybe her bad mood had to do with the fact that she didn't sleep so well for some days already. Every night she was turning from one side to the other all the time and only settled somewhen in the early morning hours. Pregnancy insomnia, that's what Jay assumed it was. He had read about it on an internet page for fathers-to-be. In addition, she always complained that their baby was most active when she wanted to sleep and therefore prevented her from getting the rest she needed.

″Er, you should try to sleep,″ Jay mumbled into his pillow after she had turned around and sighed for the last thirty minutes.

″Yeah because I'm not trying it for three hours already,″ she snapped.

″I know I told you that before but it really doesn't help when you change your position every five seconds.″

″You got a problem with that, you know where the couch is, right?″ she said and her voice was still rising while she turned away from him again.

Jay sighed, turned the bedside lamp on, got out of the bed, grabbed his pillow and his blanket and made his way to the living room.

″What do you do?″ Erin asked and as he turned around to her again he saw how she looked at him, furrowing a brow.

″Taking the option with the couch,″ he shrugged.

″I didn't mean that,″ she said, biting her lower lip.

″Didn't sound like that though,″ Jay answered and left her alone. He didn't want to have a discussion or a fight in the middle of the night. She was moody and tired and he was tired too, so this wouldn't end too well.

Jay had just put his pillow and his blanket onto the couch and has been lying down for a minute when he heard Erin's bare feet plodding into the living room.

″Jay I'm sorry,″ she said quietly into the darkness and then turned the light on. ″For snapping at you in the middle of the night,″ she added as he didn't say anything.

Jay scanned her how she was standing there in his blackhawks-shirt that couldn't hide her round stomach anymore. Which he assumed was the reason for her current behavior.

″You know, when we were in Wisconsin one and a half weeks ago everything was so damn perfect. What did change since then, Er? What's going on?″

″I can't sleep, that's going on. No matter how hard I try and no matter how tired I am,″ she said and her voice was harsher than she's wanted it to be. ″And then, when I'm finally almost asleep little troublemaker wakes up and kicks me all the time. When I lay on my right sight, it kicks me in my right side until I turn around just to kick me in my left side then.″

Jay, who was still glancing at her, had to grin a little by her words. While he loved to feel their baby kick it was obviously a little uncomfortable for at the moment throughout the night.

″Is it awake right now?″ he asked and sat up, made room for her on the couch but she didn't join him yet.

″Yep. Pretty sure it just made two somersaults in a row followed by a backflip,″ she nodded.

″Well, that's awesome,″ he chuckled.

″Yeah, totally,″ she said with a sarcastic undertone in her voice.

″Glad we agree on that,″ Jay answered casually but at least a faint smile rushed over Erin's face. ″Come here already,″ he then said softly, pointing to the place right next to him.

Erin hesitated for a moment but then took the few steps and lay down on the couch, her head resting on Jay's lap. He brushed some strands out of her face and then softly tickled her head and her neck while his other hand travelled down to her stomach and found its well-known spot, immediately feeling some little kicks against his hand.

Erin looked up into his face, saw how that bright smile appeared on it again and no matter how bugged she was from her pregnancy at the moment, just for seeing him like this it was all worth it.

″I think now I know what you mean,″ he grinned.

″Told you it's crazy tonight. He or she definitely has too much energy.″

″Mhm,″ Jay nodded. He or she, the big reveal was only a little more than week away. Then they would know whether their baby was a boy or a girl.

They fell into a comfortable silence for some moments and Erin closed her eyes while she enjoyed how his fingers still tickled her neck, suddenly feeling unbelievably tired again and also recognizing how the baby got calmer, the movement got less, the kicks slowly faded.

″Guess you calmed it down,″ she mumbled into the silence.

″Maybe it's relaxed now because you're relaxed now, Er,″ he answered, his hand still gently stroking her stomach.

″Or maybe not,″ Erin sighed as both of them felt another kick of the strong category.

″Someone cheered to soon, huh?″ he chuckled.

″Looks like,″ she nodded, her eyes still being closed.

″Er? Your bad mood doesn't only come from the fact that you can't sleep at the moment, right? What else is going on?″

″You mean what's going on despite the fact that none of my clothes fit me anymore, I'm tired all day, I'm hungry all day and I don't know how I shall survive this deadly boring desk duty for even one day longer, let alone four months?″ she asked as her eyes fluttered open and she didn't even try to hide the complaint in her voice.

″Yep,″ Jay simply answered. ″Despite all that.″

″Nothing. That's enough going on already, don't you think?″ she asked in response and hoped that her question would hide her lie. Of course he was right, just as he was most times, but he was so happy at the moment, so excited to become a father, he didn't need to know that all the kicks just had made her realize again how close she was to become a mother, how soon the independent life she used to know and love would end. How soon her life would change forever. And how much all of this still scared her, how she pushed her fears away every single day but always got reminded to it when she felt her baby moving. How much she still couldn't imagine and still feared a life with a baby, as a mother, being responsible for someone else than herself, that little, tiny, helpless, wispy person that was half her and half Jay. During the last weeks she's always been able to push all of these thoughts more or less away and not let them have so much influence on her but within the last week this somehow has changed.

In addition, something else had happened two days ago that her mind couldn't stop thinking about but yet she was unsure whether she should tell him about it or whether it was better to keep this for herself.

″Yeah, it's a lot,″ Jay only answered as he assumed that there was more going on. But he would wait until she was ready to share her thoughts and fears and whatever else with him. When she didn't want to talk about it he couldn't force her anyway, so it was better to give her the time she needed just like he always did.

Jay kept on tickling her neck and stroking her stomach in silence and when he looked down to her again, she was peacefully sleeping. He carefully picked her up and carried her to the bedroom although he knew he wasn't allowed to do that yet. But right now he couldn't care less as it was more important that Erin would finally get some urgent needed sleep. He laid her down on her side of the bed, covered her with a blanket, placed a soft kiss on her forehead and then walked around the bed to turn the bedside lamp off and laid down himself, falling asleep within seconds.

XxXxXxXxXxXxX

The following morning, Erin sat on the edge of her bed, already wearing her clothes for work, and stared at the letter she held in her hands for the hundreth time, read all of the words for even the two-hundreth time but still didn't know what to do about it. Still not being sure whether or not telling Jay about it. But after last night, when Jay had once again simply been there for her although she'd been quite bitchy towards him, she knew that he deserved to know about it and that she should share it with him.

″Hey Er, are you okay?″ Jay asked from the doorway, making her startle from her thoughts.

″Yeah...sure,″ she answered and nodded. ″Why?″

″Because I called you for breakfast three times already,″ he answered, furrowing a brow while looking at her. She seemed to be distracted, was even kinda pale and all in all didn't look too good what made him all worried.

″I need to show you something,″ she then said quietly and her eyes and the way she looked at him already told him that it wasn't anything good.

″Okay,″ he nodded and sat down right next to her. Without saying another word, she handed him the letter. He took it but before he read it he first glanced at her again and then at the envelope she still held in her hand.

″St. Louis Corrections Divison Missouri?″ he asked as he was able to read the adress from the sender.

″Mhm,″ she only nodded.

″Who would write you from there?″ he frowned.

″Just read it,″ she shrugged but it seemed like all the confidence that was usually in her voice, was gone.

Jay scanned her for another second and then turned his attention to the short, hand-written letter, and although the writing was scrawly, he read it in no time and had to swallow when he has read the last words.

″When did you get it?″ was the first thing he asked.

″Three days ago.″

″What do you wanna do?″

″I don't know for sure,″ she only mumbled, knowing that he wouldn't like what she actually wanted to do.

″You should just simply throw it in the garbage can and forget about it,″ he suggested and for a moment, Erin looked at him and slightly nodded but then she took a deep breath and said something Jay hasn't expected.

″I think I wanna go there.″

″Over my dead body,″ he said immediately, looking at her with wide eyes as if she was out of her mind.

″Jay he's going to die.″

″So what?″ he asked, his voice being slightly furious. ″You always said he doesn't exist as far as you're concerned. So just let him die.″

″You're right, I don't care about him anymore. But he's going to die and it seems like he regrets the things he's done, so shouldn't I at least give him the chance to say sorry?″ she asked and Jay had the feeling that she had thought about her arguments for the last two days already.

″Why should you give him that chance, Erin? He hasn't reached out for you for the last what? 25 years? And now he's dying and you're suddenly important for him again?″

″13 years and I didn't want to have any contact with him either. As you said, I didn't care where he was, whether he was dead or alive but now...″

″It's not any different now,″ Jay interrupted her.

″Maybe not. But still, I want to go there,″ Erin answered and lowered her head. She'd known that Jay would disagree with her and that was the main reason why she'd been unsure about telling him or not. But going there behind his back would've been even worse because eventually he would've found out anyway.

″What if I don't want you to go there?″

″Why would you not want me to go there Jay?″ she asked back, her voice getting furious.

″Because I don't think it's good for you at the moment. Because I don't want you to drive four hours there and four hours back. Because I think you shouldn't meet the person who was a main reason that your childhood was destroyed. Because I'm scared that he'll only hurt you again. Because I want to protect you,″ he said with a soft voice but she kept her face focused on the floor and in this moment Jay knew no matter what he was going to say, she wouldn't change her mind. As much as he loved her for her stubbornness and determination, in situations like this he hated these attitudes and he wished to have a little more influence on her and her decisions.

″But I don't have a chance, do I?″ he asked her with a low voice.

″I don't think so,″ she answered just as quiet, shook her head, got up and walked into the direction of the bathroom without saying anything again.

″Erin don't run away now,″ Jay begged. She turned her head around to him, even came some steps back.

″I don't,″ she said. She didn't do this anymore, running away, at least not as often and she was also able to lean on other people, especially Jay. He has changed her tremendously and thanks to him she was more and more able to face problems instead of running away from them, to talk with him about her problems and other things that were going on, that's why she'd showed him the letter. ″But I want you to understand my reasons and to accept my decision.″

″And I want you to understand that I'm worried about you,″ he answered.

″I know you are, but there's no reason to. I'll be fine,″ she said, gave him a faint smile and turned around to finally walk to the bathroom.

Jay watched her closing the door and rubbed his tired eyes. He didn't like anything of this. He appreciated that she had told him about it as it was a sign how far she's come but what was the worth of it when he didn't have any influence on her decisions anyway? He was sure that she had made her decision before this conversation already and now he also knew one of the reasons why she's been so moody these past few days.

He eyed the letter, he still held in his hand, again and also read all of the words again. The words of Eddie. Her father. Who was in prison and had stage four lung cancer and was about to die anytime. Who begged to meet her, to talk with her, to see her again before he dies. Who had, together with Bunny and later her abusive boyfriends, ruined her childhood, almost her whole life. Jay didn't know what exactly he had done when she was a child. She hasn't really talked about it yet but he assumed it was bad.

In that moment, Jay recognized another thing that made him feel even more uncomfortable with all of this. How did Eddie, who hasn't had any contact with Erin for 13 years, know her adress? At least it wasn't the adress of her apartment, but it was adressed to the 21st district and Jay felt slightly nervous when he thought about how he could possibly know that she was a cop, in which district she worked and what else this man maybe knew about her...

XxXxXxXxXxXxX

″Do you have a minute?″ Erin asked as she walked into Hank's office later that morning after she had decided to also show the letter to Hank. Although things were still far away from being normal between the two of them it was somehow important for her to show him and ask him for his opinion, maybe hoping that he, opposite to Jay, would understand her reasons.

″Sure,″ Hank nodded and watched her closing the door from the inside, already assuming that something serious was going on.

″What's up?″ he asked as she took the seat adverse him but instead of saying anything she just handed him the letter.

Hank looked at her for a moment, tried to figure out what was going on. She didn't look too good and he got a little worried. Without saying another word he unfolded the letter and started to read it, furrowing a brow after the first words and covering his mouth with his hand after he had finished reading it.

″You won't go there, right?″

″Uhm...I think I will,″ she answered, not daring to look at him.

″Then why did you show this to me, Erin?″ he asked as she obviously has already made her decision.

″I don't know,″ she shrugged. ″Guess I wanted to know what you think about it.″

″What I think about it?″ Hank echoed. ″I tell you what I think about it. He's always been a jagoff and I don't think that has changed. There's a reason why he hasn't been a part of your life for the last 25 years and I don't think you should let him come back into your life. The last time he tried to reach out for you, I think it was when you were 18, he only disappointed you and he then disappeared to apparently go back to old habits and therefore ended up in prison again. I think you shouldn't drive to St. Louis just because he remembered he has a daughter he didn't treat so well, whose life he ruined. Especially not in your current condition,″ he said. She lifted her head and looked at him for the first time since she had sat down, her gaze being slightly furious.

″My condition has nothing to do with this. I can easily drive there because I'm just pregnant, not sick to death or whatever,″ she answered and her voice was rising and she already regretted her decision to show him the letter as they were on the best way back to icy words and snapping at each other.

″I don't think that it will be good for you to see him and I don't think he deserves to see you,″ Hank answered casually and tried to keep his voice under control.

″He's going to die!″

″Let's be honest Erin, for you he died years ago!″

″But now he wrote me this letter...″

″Exactly, he wrote you this letter,″ Hank interrupted her. ″How does he even know your adress or how does he know you're a cop and work in this district?″

″I don't know,″ she answered. She had to admit, she had also already thought about this but hasn't found an answer yet. ″Maybe he really wants to talk things out before he dies and therefore tried everything to find out more about me,″ she added quietly.

″Don't be that naive, Erin. We're talking about Eddie here.″

″People change. I did. So why is it so out of this world that he changed, too?″

″Because some people never change and he's one of them, we both know that. Did you forget all the things he did?″

″Yes, sure, I totally forgot them, thanks for reminding me,″ she snapped. ″I won't go there and tell him 'Hey Dad I love you and I forgive you for destroying my life', but I will go there and listen to him because I think this is the right thing to do. Damn why did I even tell you?″ she asked rhetorically, her voice still being anything but calm and shook her head.

″I won't give you a day off for that,″ Hank answered casually, ignoring her question, but his voice was just as loud as hers.

″Fine, then don't. Guess what, I can go there on Saturday!″ she snarled at him and yanked the letter from his hand.

″He will only disappoint you again, kiddo,″ he said as she stormed out of his office but of course she didn't hear him anymore.

XxXxXxXxXxXxX

Things between Erin and Jay stayed a little tense for the next few days. They didn't talk about it again but they didn't really talk about anything at all and by Friday evening, the day before Erin wanted to drive to St. Louis, Jay decided that he couldn't ignore it any longer, that they had to talk about it again, maybe somehow finding a solution that was okay for both of them.

″You still want to go, do you?″ Jay asked while they were sitting on the couch and were watching a movie, her body not lying half on top of his as usual but instead having some odd space between them.

″Mhm,″ she nodded. ″I know you don't like it and you don't have to. But you have to accept my decision to go there.″

″It's not that I don't accept this Erin. I just want to protect you from what this visit could maybe do to you,″ he answered and looked at her with soft, worried eyes.

″I'll be fine.″

″I could come with you,″ he suggested.

″No, you don't have to. I will spend most of the day in the car and just visit him for an hour. Stay here and go to the game with the boys just as you planned it.″

″Exactly, you'll spend most of the day in the car and will drive for eight hours or more. I don't want to go in with you but at least we could take turns with driving.″

″I appreciate it but I'll go there alone. I've driven that long distances before, so it won't be a problem and I'll be back tomorrow night,″ she said and as she saw how worried he still was she leaned in and gave him a short, soft kiss.

″Okay,″ he sighed and also kissed her before she snuggled onto his side for the first time in days.

Jay wrapped his arm around her shoulders and tightened his embrace. No matter how hard it was, he had to accept it as it was obviously important for her to go there. In addition, it wasn't easy for him to let her go there alone but that was still who she was. She wanted to figure some problems out on her own, wanted to deal with certain things alone and didn't want to incriminate anyone with things that concerned her past. He understood it because in that regard he was basically the same and the only thing that would eventually happen was a big fight because he barged in too much into her life. So sometimes it was easier to just let her do her thing what in this case meant that he would let her go and he simply hoped that this man wouldn't somehow break her again.

″Er?″ he asked.

″Huh?″ she asked back and looked up to him.

″Your father...what did he do?″ he asked quietly, almost shy. ″I mean, he didn't beat you...abuse you, did he?″

Erin could hear the fear in his voice and she got out of his embrace, sat up in front of him cross-legged and looked into his eyes, saw the silent pain in them, pain for her.

″He didn't,″ she answered and shook her head. ″But Bunny and him...man...they were such a dream team,″ she said and a sarcastic laughter filled the air.

″Bunny was an alcoholic before but he was an alcoholic and drug-addict and made her addicted to heroin and all kind of pills, too. And he didn't have himself under control when he was high. Never towards me but that didn't mean that I wasn't afraid every single day,″ Erin said quietly, slightly shivering by these memories, and took a deep breath.

″But it was different with Bunny though...he beat her for years...they always thought I wouldn't understand as I was too young but at some point I knew what was going on...No day passed where I wasn't afraid, where I didn't hear them scream at each other, where I heard and saw him being violent, where I watched them getting a fix or where I saw how they threw empty bottles at each other or heard glass breaking in general. I think all of this started long before I was even born, but Bunny...she was weak, so damn weak. She stayed with him because he brought her the alcohol she craved for and the drugs she needed to get high. It only changed when he almost beat her to death and I called the police. I was five years old back then and the police saved her and he went into prison. But instead of getting her life together after her rehab, Bunny found herself another man of the same category, abusive, violent, alcohol- and drug-addicted. I guess she somehow needed that. And soon she was pregnant with Teddy. At some point I stopped counting how often she's been to rehab, how often her boyfriends changed but yet stayed the same. She always complained that we were the biggest mistakes she has ever made in her life, made us feel that it was all our fault and that I, and later Teddy as well, ruined her life when she was actually the one who ruined our lives,″ Erin finished talking about this chapter of her life and Jay saw how tears welled in her eyes.

″Er, I'm sorry.″

″Don't be. That's my past and it always will be a part of my life,″ she shrugged.

″Why do you want to give someone like him a second chance? You gave Bunny one and we know how that ended..."

″It's not about giving him a second chance Jay.″

″Why do you want to talk with him then?″

″I don't know. Maybe I just simply want to hear him say sorry,″ she shrugged once more and curled onto his side again. He wrapped his arm around her again and placed a kiss on her hair.

″He better apologize,″ he mumbled and really hoped for the sake of her that this trip would turn out the way she wanted it to turn out but he feared that she would only get hurt again.

XxXxXxXxXxXxX

The ringing of the alarm-clock woke Erin up by 6am on the following morning. She turned it off, rubbed her tired eyes and suppressed a loud yawn. She then turned around but slightly frowned when she saw Jay's side of the bed being all empty. She got up and walked towards the living room and found Jay standing in the kitchen with just his sweatpants on, making eggs with bacon for breakfast.

″Why are you up already?″ she mumbled as she wrapped her hands around his waist from behind and nestled her head up to his back.

″I thought you need a proper breakfast before your roadtrip,″ he smiled as he turned around and gave her a good-morning-kiss.

″That's so sweet, thank you,″ she answered, once again feeling so endlessly loved and cared about.

″Always,″ he winked and gave her another soft kiss. ″It will still take some time, so you can take a shower before.″

″Okay,″ she nodded and then placed a kiss on his cheek just to whisper in his ear: ″I can't wait for the day we can shower together again.″

″Tell me about it,″ he whispered back, getting a little excited when he realized that it was less than a week until they would be allowed to play scrabble again.

″Five days,″ she chuckled, obviously having the same thought and then left him alone in the kitchen and went to the bathroom. He was kinda surprised how easy the atmosphere was between them this morning, especially after not talking too much for the last three days but it seemed like things have changed for the better somehow after talking about her past the previous evening. After he had figured that this was important for her and had accepted that she needed to go there to somehow finally close this chapter of her life.

Thirty minutes later they enjoyed eggs and bacon and toast together and then it was already time for Erin to leave. But not before Jay gave her a lunch package with sandwiches, muffins, cookies and tons of fruits.

″I love you,″ Erin said as he handed her the lunch package, giving him a grateful smile.

″I love you, too,″ Jay answered, a little smirk surrounding his lips. ″Be careful and no matter how things will turn out, try to keep smiling.″

″I will,″ she answered and kissed him before she got out of his embrace and opened the door. ″See you tonight,″ she waved.

″See you tonight,″ he answered and watched her walking down the stairs while he tried to ignore the bad feeling he still had, that had him kept up all night.

XxXxXxXxXxXxX

Erin arrived in front of the St. Louis Corrections Division in Missouri shortly after noon but she stayed in her car for another thirty minutes and tried to figure out what she really expected from this trip, this visit. She also tried to imagine what kind of man she was going to see. Her father? A stranger? A person who was more dead than alive? A person who has completely changed? Or a person who was simply still the same person she used to know and had tried to forget over the past few years?

She let her gaze wander over the stonewalls of the prison, the bars in front of the windows, the barb wire fence that surrounded the huge complex and suddenly she didn't feel so confident and comfortable anymore. Maybe it wasn't the right thing to do. Maybe she should simply leave again. Maybe Hank and Jay have been right and she was expecting too much deep inside. In this moment she wished that Jay was with her. That he would hold her hand and tell her that things were going to be okay. But he was more than four hours away just like she has wanted it and she had to handle this situation on her own.

She closed her eyes for a second, then grabbed her jacket and got out of the car, inhaled some deep breaths of the fresh and clean fall-air, before she made her way to the entrance. She told the guards why she was here and then walked through the big gate of the prison, some steps closer to her father, or not exactly her father but her begetter.

″Can I have my jacket again, please?″ she asked after she has gone through the security check.

″You won't need it inside,″ the prison officer answered.

″I know. But he doesn't know about this and there's no need for him to,″ she explained and pointed to her stomach that was too big to even hide it with a wide shirt but instead she has had the idea to simply carry her jacket in front of her belly to hide it as humanly as possible. She didn't even know why she didn't want Eddie to know about her pregnancy, he was a dying man after all, but somehow she felt like she needed to protect her baby, especially inside a prison.

″Okay,″ the guard said and handed her the jacket before another guard ordered her to follow him.

Erin walked behind him through the corridors but pretty soon she realized that they were walking towards the usual visitors area.

″Don't we go to the infirmary?″ she frowned.

″No, why should we?″ the guard asked back and kept on walking but Erin was already able to put the pieces more or less together before the guard stopped and said: ″Over there, you have an hour with him.″

Erin stood there, frozen in her movement, and watched him through the window. There he sat on the table, her begetter, in an orange jumpsuit, patiently waiting for her, and not looking close to death at all. For a moment she wasn't sure whether she should simply turn around again and go or whether she should give him the chance to talk with her anyway. Maybe he was sick, but not as sick as he made it sound in his letter. Maybe he had stage four cancer but was fit enough to still walk around. Or maybe he had just lied to her and was still the same jerk he always has been.

″Ma'am, do you wanna go in?″ the guard asked and she startled a little.

″Uhm...″ she stumbled and thought about it for another second. ″Yeah, sorry.″

″In case you want to leave, just leave. And no worries, there are guards everywhere, you're safe.″

″Thank you,″ Erin said and made her way towards the table where the man with the grayish hair, that once had been dark brown, the beard and the dark brown eyes sat and who looked healthier than many of the other prisoners who sat on the other tables and talked with family members. Even before she took her seat adverse him she knew she wasn't able to keep her anger under control.

″You don't look almost dead to me,″ she said and her voice came cold and angry as she sat down.

″Oh, now you're disappointed right?″ he noticed with a sarcastic undertone and a nasty grin appeared on his lips.

″You don't want to have an honest answer, do you?″ she snapped and didn't even try to keep her voice under control. This was not the way she has wanted this conversation to start but she was too disappointed and furious to keep herself calm.

″You know, originally I wanted to say nice to see you Erin, you're looking good,″ he said casually and as he talked she saw that there weren't many teeth left in his mouth. Not only this but also his features and his whole facial expressions disgusted her and it didn't even take her a minute to realize that he hasn't changed at all. Neither his attitude nor his look and these facts let her slightly shiver.

″You're wasting your breath! But apparently you have more of breath left then you pretended to have.″

″I didn't have a different option to talk with my daughter. You would never have come otherwise but I wanted to see you.″

″I stopped being your daughter years ago,″ Erin said immediately, flashing her eyes at him all mad.

″And yet you came anyway,″ he answered with a winning grin on his face.

″Because I thought you're going to die! Because I wanted to give you the chance to explain yourself, to maybe die in peace! But apparently you're as far away from death as I am from travelling to the moon,″ she said with a sarcastic laughter escaping from her lips and shook her head in disbelief before she remembered another thing. ″Wherefrom did you know my adress, that I'm a cop?″

″I have friends in here,″ he answered and the way he looked at her made her feel even more uncomfortable and fraught than she already was.

″Well, that sounds like a threat.″

″If you think so.″

″Why did you want me to come here, Eddie? Is there anything you wanted to tell me or am I just wasting my time?″

″What should I want to tell you? I just wanted to see my girl. That's it.″

″I'm not your girl,″ she said with a loud voice and some heads turned around.

″My blood runs in your veins, so I'd say you are,″ he answered calmly, still grinning at her.

″I am no one's girl, least of all yours,″ she repeated and knew she wasn't able to do this for too much longer, was ready to jump off her seat any second.

″Yeah right I forgot, you're Hank Voight's girl now. How many times did you screw him that he made someone like you a cop?″ He let out a loud, sardonic laughter as he spoke and a contemptuous undertone was in his voice, looking at her with a piercing glance, and Erin had to swallow hard, needed a moment to find her words again but when she had, she talked to him as icy as she's never talked to someone before.

″You know what: some people told me I shouldn't come here because you would only disappoint me again, because you don't derserve my visit, because I'm wasting my time. But I ignored them because I thought I'm doing the right thing. Because I thought you're going to die and you might have wanted to talk to me because you regret the things did, that you maybe want to say sorry for being the main reason my childhood was ruined. I could've actually spent this day with people who love me and who care about me but instead I have to listen to your bullshit and have to come to the realization that you haven't changed at all. You're still the same asshole that you were when I was a kid and I was so stupid to let you get back into my life. But on the other hand I actually have to thank you. Thank for ruining my life because it directly led me to the people I call family now, people I love more than anything, people who I'm important to, who accept me and care about me. Thank you for all of this, otherwise I'd still have to deal with the garbage you are. Have a nice life in here, Eddie. And go to hell.″

With these words she turned around without looking at him again and almost ran out of the visitor's area as she wasn't able to hold her tears of disappointment back any longer. She just wanted to get away from him as far as possible as fast as possible...

Hope you liked it although it was eeeeeendlessly long! :)