24. How Do I Live Without You?
Thank y'all again for the feedback on my last chapter! This one is...different. I know you all will have the wish to kill me after reading the first two minutes but read it to the end anyway, that's all I'm going to say...
Lyrics are from "How Do I Live Without You" by LeAnn Rimes.
I don't own anything.
24. How Do I Live Without You?
Jay pulled the curtain in the living room of Erin's apartment open and stared out of the window into the dark night that was only enlightened by the lights of the Chicago skyline. It was a typical windy, wet fall evening. Heavy clouds covered the sky, the rain was pouring down and fog trekked through the streets and surrounded the skyscrapers. For hours already he's been waiting for Erin to come home but he hasn't heard from her since the afternoon when she had sent him a text that she was on her way home. Ever since then she hasn't texted him, hasn't tried to call him and when he tried to call her he was directly led to her voicemail.
At this point, he was so worried about her, he couldn't sit still anymore and paced up and down in her living room, checked his phone every ten seconds and looked down to the street every thirty seconds, anxiously waiting that her car would finally appear in front of the building.
He dialed her number again but just as the ten times before he was led to her voicemail again and once again he left a message for her, begging her to call him back or to get in touch with him somehow different asap.
Jay sat down on the couch and tried to calm himself down. Maybe her phone has died because she used it as GPS. He knew she hasn't taken her charger with her because it was still in the bedroom. Maybe she was stuck in a traffic jam but couldn't call him because her phone simply ran out of battery. There were so many possibilities why he hasn't heard from her in hours but yet he had a really bad feeling regarding all of this.
He rubbed his aching temples and his tired eyes and turned the TV on to get some distraction. He didn't really pay attention but the flickering of the TV, the murmur of the voices and the dimmed light in the living room made him even more tired and as he hadn't slept for even one minute the night prior he allowed himself to close his eyes for only one second...
XxXxXxXxXxXxX
A loud knocking on the door let him wake up with a start what felt like five minutes later. He checked his clock and realized that he had slept for an hour. He yawned and got up while the knocking didn't stop. For a moment he thought it maybe was Erin but why would she knock on the door instead of simply using her key?
He opened the door, somehow hoped that it was Erin anyway who was knocking for whatever reason, but instead he found his boss standing in front of the door and when he saw Hank's face, any color fell from his own face and his heart dropped to his knees. Something bad had happened, he knew it.
″What's up?″ Jay asked and his voice was shaky, barely there.
″There was an accident,″ Hank answered without beating around the bush and Jay watched how he had to inhale deeply before he was able to continue. ″It seems like a truck-driver fell asleep behind the wheel on the highway that leads into Chicago.″
Within one second Jay felt his world breaking into pieces, felt like he was drowning, suffocating because he wasn't able to breathe. He pressed his hand against his forehead and tried to stay as calm as possible while he was about to break down in front of Hank any moment.
″Where is she?″
″They brought her to Med with the helicopter as they have the best trauma surgeons there,″ Hank answered and Jay nodded in response.
″So she is alive?″
″Barely,″ he said and although Jay felt all fuzzy-headed, he saw how Hank had to swallow hard.
″And the baby?″
″I don't know,″ he said but slightly shook his head. ″Halstead, they called me first because they found her badge in her car and I stopped at the scene for a moment on my way here and saw her car, or what's left of it and...″ His voice broke as he looked into the young detective's eyes but after taking a deep breath he was able to continue. ″You shouldn't get your hopes up too high.″
″Okay,″ Jay nodded with empty eyes, completely being in trance. ″I need to go to Med,″ he then said and took his jacket from the wardrobe right next to the door and then also grabbed his car keys from the sideboard.
″Let me drive, Halstead,″ Hank ordered.
″I'm fine. I can drive myself.″
″You shouldn't drive right now or you'll also end up in Med, but not as a visitor.″
″So what?″ Jay shrugged and walked past Hank. He didn't care about anything at the moment. All the things he just had heard made him fear the worst and if all the things he imagined in his head right now would turn out like this, his life soon wouldn't make sense anymore anyway.
Hank tried to hold him back again but Jay ignored him, ignored the things he was saying, didn't even listen to them and went straight down the stairs and to his car.
Some twenty minutes later, after neglecting all traffic rules, he parked his car in the parking lot of Chicago Med and then ran into the hospital, not into the ED but directly to the surgery floor as he assumed she was already in the OR. He hadn't even asked Hank when the accident had happened but given the fact that he'd already been at the scene, that was a bit outside of the city, it must've happened at least one or two hours ago, maybe even more.
″I'm looking for Erin Lindsay,″ he said when he was at the information desk on the ICU floor, his heart pouding in his chest and having the feeling that his feet wouldn't be able to carry his body for too much longer.
″She's in surgery and this will take a while,″ the nurse answered after checking something in her computer.
″Who is operating her?″
″Dr. Rhodes, Dr. Kimble and Dr. Jackson, our very best team,″ a voice he knew but couldn't allocate immediately appeared behind him.
He turned around and looked into the face of Sharon Goodwin, the Chief of Services.
″How's she doing? Do you have any more information for me?″ he asked her immediately but he wasn't sure whether he was able to accept the possible answer.
″We should go in here,″ she said and pointed to an empty room. Jay slowly nodded in response. A conversation in a different room was never a good sign.
″Come on,″ she encouraged him, placed her hand on his shoulder and guided him to the room.
″Ms Goodwin, please be honest with me,″ he said as soon as she had closed the door.
″I will be,″ she nodded, a look of compassion in her eyes. ″She is very seriously injured. They are performing an emergency surgery right now to repair the things that need to be repaired asap and they will do another one as soon as she will hopefully be stable enough.″
″What kind of injuries does she have?″
″Lots of broken bones, like a broken pelvis, a broken thigh and a broken shoulder, and abdominal bleedings, a lung contusion and major bruises in general,″ Goodwin said and Jay felt a wave of nausea hitting him as she listed all of her injuries. At this point he has lost almost all hope already but yet he still had to ask her this one thing although he already knew the answer.
″What about the baby?″ he whispered but Goodwin only closed her eyes and shook her head.
″It didn't have a chance, I'm sorry,″ she confirmed his apprehension and just like in the minutes before, Jay swallowed down the big lump in his throat again but for a moment he wasn't sure whether he was able to or whether he would simply break down as these news broke him. Their baby was gone. He would never feel its tiny kicks against his hand again, would never be able to stroke Erin's round stomach again and feel it moving under his hand, would never meet his son or daughter, would never be able to hold his baby in his arms. And maybe he would never even have a baby with the woman he loved more than he has ever loved anything or anyone else in his life before because almost all hope, that she would survive all of her life-threatening injuries, has left his body.
″Did you already know the gender?″ she asked but Jay only heard her voice far far away and shook his head mechanical.
″Do you wanna know now?″
″No,″ he said and his voice was cracky as he remembered why Erin didn't want to know it. ″This would've been the last real surprise life has to offer and it should've been the both of us together when finding it out.″
″Okay,″ Goodwin nodded and touched his arm supportingly.
″All that matters is that Erin will be fine,″ he said but it sounded like he talked more with himself than with her. ″All that matters now is that Erin will be fine, that's all that matters,″ he repeated his words and nodded his head as if he was convincing himself.
″In case you need anything, please let me know,″ she offered and Jay couldn't take it to see all the compassion in her eyes.
″Can I wait here?″ he asked her with a low, insecure voice.
″Of course you can. I think your brother's shift starts soon and I'll send him up here then.″
″Uhm...I think I'd like to be alone for a bit,″ Jay only answered and with these words he walked past Goodwin, opened the door and went towards the OR.
He sat down on the floor in front of the OR, his knees tucked to his body, being so close to Erin but yet feeling so far away from her. He tried his best not to think about that they had lost their baby, their son or daughter, and that he could still lose Erin, too. That he most likely would lose her, too. After already losing the most important people in his life with his grandfather and his mother, he was now about to lose the love of his life, the reason he lived for, the one person he would do anything for, the best thing that has ever happened to him, the woman who has changed his life from a nightmare into a dream. But obviously he wasn't suppossed to be happy, to enjoy his life, to love his life just as he had these past few months. Fate always found a way to punch him in his face and his gut.
Jay remembered how Erin once had told him that she can't lose him and the very same applied for him. He couldn't lose her, a life without her wouldn't make any sense for him and as he was thinking about this, about losing her forever, about never seeing her smile again, never hearing her laugh again, never hearing her raspy voice telling him his three favorite words again, he wasn't able to hold his tears back any longer and they ran down his cheeks like a river. He covered his head in his hands and weeped bitterly, cried the pain of loss and his fear of also losing her away.
How do I,
Get through the night without you?
If I had to live without you,
What kind of life would that be?
Oh I,
I need you in my arms, need you to hold,
You're my world, my heart, my soul,
If you ever leave,
Baby you would take away everything good in my life
And tell me now
How do I live without you?
I want to know,
How do I breathe without you?
If you ever go,
How do I ever, ever survive?
How do I, how do I, how do I live?
Jay forgot time while he's been sitting in front of the OR. Nobody has joined him and he was more than glad about it, so he assumed Goodwin had maybe told them to stay back. He wanted to be alone, didn't want to see anyone and didn't want to hear the condolences for losing their baby and the solace that Erin was a fighter and would surely make it.
He didn't know for how many hours he's been sitting there, mourning and praying at the same time, when the door of the OR finally swung open and Dr. Rhodes walked towards him. Jay tried to interpret the look on his face from afar but he couldn't tell whether he had good news or bad ones. He got up from the floor and the nearer he came, the more hope he lost, suddenly feeling to suffocate again although he didn't know anything yet. He just had this bad feeling again.
″Is she alive?″ Jay asked him as soon as he was close enough to hear him but his voice came out in a hoarse whisper.
″She is,″ Dr. Rhodes nodded and Jay let out a deep breath. But he still didn't like the look on Dr. Rhodes' face and he sensed there was more to the story. He's been a detective for long enough to be able to read other people's faces and to draw his conclusions.
″But it's not looking good, right?″ he asked quietly.
″No,″ he answered and shook his head. ″We were able to fix all the internal bleedings which is kind of a miracle as this was a surgery on a razor's edge. She will need another surgery but we had to stop as she started to get into cardiac arrest too often,″ he explained and sighed and Jay saw how difficult Dr. Rhodes's upcoming words had to be. ″As she flatlined so often we had to do CPR quite some time and at the moment we don't know whether this did any damage to her brain but we'll check that as soon as her condition is more or less stable. For now she's in a coma and at this point we can't tell whether she will ever wake up again.″
″Okay.″ This was the only thing he was able to say, although it was everything but okay, and for the second time that day he shook his head mechanical while his mind tried to process and accept all these things. ″Can I see her?″
″Of course,″ Dr. Rhodes said. "Do you wanna see the baby? Hold it maybe?"
Jay felt like Dr. Rhodes has just stabbed him with a knife right in his heart with this question and he didn't know what to answer, was completely overstrained. Did he want to see and hold his 23-week-old, tiny, son or daughter that didn't have a heartbeat anymore? Should he say goodbye in person, also for Erin, or would this be too much for him to handle, break him even more? Or would he regret it someday if he didn't do it? On one hand he wanted to do it but on the other hand he didn't.
"Uhm," Jay stammered and swallowed the lump in his throat which took him a lot of effort. "I can't decide this right now."
"Okay, take the time you need, you can also do it tomorrow," he said and Jay saw that compassionate glance in his face again. ″Come on, I'll bring you to Erin,″ he added, laid his hand on Jay's shoulder and guided him to her room in recovery.
Jay sat down in the chair right next to her bed and slightly shivered at the sight of her. She had bruises all over her face, tubes came in and out of her body literally everywhere and he watched how her thorax lifted and lowered with the oxydgen the ventilation machine pumped into her wounded body. He took her lifeless, cold hand in his and gazed to her flat stomach, silent tears rolling down his face as he remembered that just a day ago his life had been perfect. Just 24 hours ago he had looked forward to the future in excitement and now there was just endless fear and grief and anger left.
″You need to wake up baby, okay?″ he somewhen said to break the unbearable silence in the room. ″You once said you need me and can't lose me and it's the same for me, Er. Just simply open your eyes and prove them all wrong, show them what a fighter you are. Do it for me. I don't know how to live without you, so don't go to a place where I can't follow you,″ he whispered desperatly, not knowing that Erin had said exactly these words to him just some shorts weeks ago. He brought her hand up to his face and placed a soft kiss on it.
″I love you,″ he mumbled into her hand before tears streamed down his face again. And they didn't stop all night.
Without you,
There'd be no sun in my sky,
There would be no love in my life,
There'd be no world left for me.
And I,
Baby I don't know what I would do,
I'd be lost if I lost you,
If you ever leave,
Baby you would take everything real in my life
And tell me now,
How do I live without you?
I want to know,
How do I breathe without you?
If you ever go,
How do I ever, ever survive?
How do I, how do I, how do I live?
XxXxXxXxXxXxX
″Mr. Halstead,″ someone jolted him awake by lying their hand on his shoulder. He turned his head around, his view being blurry from all the tears and the sleep deprivation. He had stayed up all night, anxiously listening to the beep that showed him that her heart was doing its job for now, but as he now realized he had apparently fallen asleep somewhen in the early morning hours.
″Ms Goodwin,″ he said as his vision was clear enough to see who was standing right next to him.
″You should go home for a little while, drink a cup of coffee, have a breakfast and take a shower,″ she said and once again there was this deep compassion in her eyes.
″I won't leave her side,″ he answered immediately, grabbing Erin's hand and squeezing it tightly.
″I know. But we have to run some tests where you can't be with her anyway so just use this time to get out of here for a little while.″
″Is it safe for me to leave without fearing that...″ he asked but his voice broke towards the end.
″After everything that happened during the surgery, her condition is surprisingly stable. That's why we will do some tests because we consider doing the second surgery this afternoon,″ she explained to him and Jay's mind tried to tell him that these were good news, not bad ones.
″I can't stay with her?″ he assured himself again.
″No, you can't. I think all tests will be done in four hours, so you can come back then.″
″Okay,″ Jay sighed, got up from his chair and placed a kiss on her forehead while mumbling the three most important little words.
″Your brother asked for you,″ Goodwin said as they left Erin's room.
″I'm sorry, but I'm not ready to see anyone at the moment,″ Jay answered. It was already hard enough for him that he had to talk with Goodwin, Rhodes and some other doctors and nurses all the time and he knew he would break down in front of all his friends and especially his brother. He didn't want all of them to see him like this. Broken, desperate, weeping.
Jay went home to Erin's place, poured a cup of black coffee while glancing at all the pictures of them that were placed in her living room. One taken at Mollys from the time when they had just been friends, one that was taken by a stranger on the skydeck of the Sears Tower shortly after they've become a couple, one from when they'd been at the Blackhawks game in March, a selfie from their first trip to Wisconsin and a perfect portrait of them looking into each other's eyes deeply and smiling fondly, taken two weeks ago at his birthday party. At his birthday party which had been one of the happiest days in his life and where their baby still had been in Erin's stomach kicking like the next soccer star.
Jay walked over to the rack and took the framed picture in his hand, swiped his thumb over her perfect face and her belly and felt his heart dropping to his knees again, his tears coming up again. Before they could fall from his eyes he placed the photo back at the rack and went to the bathroom to take a cold shower. He somehow hoped that all of this was just a nightmare and the cold water would help him to awake from it. But when he opened his eyes again everything was still the same.
With a towel loosley wrapped around his waist, he went back to the bedroom to grab some clean clothes from the drawer, totally forgetting about the photo that laid on top of his boxers and socks. When he opened the drawer and saw it, he felt like someone was stabbing a knife right into his heart again. He took the print of the sonogram from five weeks ago into his hands and gazed at the baby. His baby. His and Erin's baby. Her pregnancy has always been unreal for him and then feeling their baby move has been even more unreal but now it was unreal that all of this was suddenly gone. That their baby, that came as such a unplanned surprise, was no longer a part of their life.
With the photo still in his hand, Jay stumbled back to the bed as his emotions hit him again. He sat down on the edge of the bed, gazed at the photo, the face of his baby he still thought had Erin's nose, and then covered his head in his hand and cried for his baby, cried for the woman he was supposed to spend the rest of his life with and would now maybe soon have to say goodbye forever.
Please tell me baby,
How do I go on?
If you ever leave,
Baby you would take everything away,
I need you with me,
Baby don't you know, that you're everything,
Good in my life?
XxXxXxXxXxXxX
Three hours later Jay was back at Chicago Med and walked through the corridor of the ICU to Erin's room but Dr. Rhodes already waited for him in front of it and for a moment Jay was sure that it had happened while he's been at home, looking at old pictures and grieving, that she has passed away.
″What happened?″ he asked from afar feeling his heart nervously beating in his chest and ran towards him but immediately relaxed a little when he saw Erin lying in her bed.
″Goodwin wants to talk with you in her office,″ Dr. Rhodes answered.
″Why?″ Jay frowned.
″Let's go and she'll tell you,″ he answered and guided Jay into the right direction but Jay was clever enough to know that the young surgeon denied him something. No matter what they were going to tell him, he knew in that moment that it was bad news.
His feeling got confirmed when he entered Goodwin's office and saw Hank sitting at her desk, too.
″Take a seat,″ she said and pointed to the empty chair next to Hank.
″I'm good,″ Jay answered and walked towards her desk but didn't sit down while Dr. Rhodes stayed back at the door. He saw how Goodwin and Hank exchanged some glances and a moment of awkward silence occured while Jay deep inside prepared himself for what he knew was coming.
″As you know we ran some tests today,″ Goodwin finally said but then paused again.
″Yeah,″ Jay answered with a faint voice and nodded his head. ″Just tell me the result already.″
Once again everyone seemed to exchange glances with each other before it was Hank who chimed in.
″Jay,″ he said and by the sound of his voice he already knew that there was no happy-end in store. ″She's not going to wake up again.″
Although Jay has known that these words were coming, time stood still for him and he was frozen in his movements, wasn't even able to breathe while his world completely broke together. She would die. The girl he has loved from the moment he had seen her for the first time would leave him alone. He would never be able to kiss her grinning lips again after she had teased him, to laugh with her, to joke with her, to wrap his arms around her. Her, the girl who always played tough but was so fragile and vulnerable. The girl who always needed to have the last word.
″But is there nothing you can do?″ he asked quietly and in pure despair.
″We tested everything but there's no brain function anymore,″ Goodwin explained.
″We are going to take her off life support when everyone said goodbye,″ Hank said and within one second Jay's full attention was on his boss.
″No,″ he almost yelled. ″No!″
″Jay, all we can do is to let her die in peace and not torture her any longer,″ Hank said with a sigh escaping from his lips and Jay saw how hard it was for him to keep himself together.
″No!″ Jay called again and shook his head vehement. ″I can't let her go. I don't wanna let her go.″
″That's what she wanted, Jay,″ Goodwin said with a soft and understanding voice. ″She didn't wanted to be on the vent and we have to accept her will.″
″No, no, NO! As long as her heart is still beating we don't take her off life support. I can't let her go. Not like this!″ he said and was surprised about the strength and clarity in his voice. He looked at all of them again with wide, shocked eyes, shook his head in disbelief and then kinda ran out of the room to the one place where he needed to be now. How could they all simply give her up? Wasn't she worth fighting for or why didn't they fight for her?
″Hey baby,″ he said as he walked into her room and sat down at the edge of her bed, cupped her cheek with his hand and stroked it with his thumb. Although she was still intubated she looked so peaceful and besides the bruises her face was as perfect as always. How much he would give to see her beautiful hazel eyes again, to see them sparkle again, to see her dimples again and how she grimaced when he teased her.
″They're all giving up on you but I won't, I promise,″ he said as tears welled in his eyes again, like so often during the last eighteen hours. ″I will fight for you and with you because I know you're strong and together we can do it. Together we can do anything. So please open your eyes and wake up. I can't let you go because I need you and I don't wanna lose you. I can't let you go,″ he whispered desperatly. He laid down next to her as far as it was possible and let all the tears fall from his eyes. And as he hasn't really slept in more than 36 hours, in between sobs his tear-strained eyes somewhen fell shut.
And tell me now,
How do I live without you?
I want to know,
How do I breathe without you?
If you ever go,
How do I ever, ever survive?
How do I, how do I, how do I live?
How do I live without you?
How do I live without you baby?
XxXxXxXxXxXxX
Jay and Erin were sitting on the backs of the very same horses they had ridden some months ago in Wisconsin and rode along Lake Lindsay, always into the direction of the sunset. But something was different than last time because the atmosphere was chastened.
″Why did this happen? Why do you have to go? Why do you leave me alone?″ Jay asked her all the questions that preyed on his mind.
″Some things will forever stay a secret, Jay. I think some people are simply not supposed to have a long and happy life,″ she shrugged and gave him the weakest of smiles.
″But why you, Er? This is not fair.″ Tears ran down his face by these words.
″Life is not fair. If life was fair I would never have met such an incredible person like you. I didn't derserve you but yet you were simply here one day and never left my side again no matter what I did.″
″Stop talking like this! You're the best thing that has ever happened to me and you're everything I always wanted.″
″No Jay, if I was the best thing I would never leave you alone now,″ she answered and her voice was sad as she shrugged her shoulders.
″Then stay!″
″I can't. I guess some things are supposed to happen although we don't know why and although it doesn't make any sense. Just think back to the beautiful time we had because no one can take away the memories we share.″
″I can't, Er. It hurts so much,″ he whispered as more tears slid down his cheeks.
″You will learn to deal with it and you will somewhen be able to look back and smile,″ she said and a sad, faint smile appeared on her face and Jay saw tears in the corners of her eyes, too.
″How shall I live without you? Go on without you? I can't do this, Er. I need you,″ he said with a cracky voice and no later than now the tears also streamed down Erin's face.
″If I had a choice I would never leave your side, Jay. But I don't have one and I know you'll manage it.″
″I don't know that. I can't live without you. I don't want to live without you, don't you understand that?″
″I do understand that because the same applies to me. But you have to be strong, you have to fight. Brighter days will come.″ She has never talked to him like this before, her voice has never had that weird sound before. This wasn't the Erin he knew.
″So you can see what's coming?″ he asked and furrowed a brow while glancing at her, trying to soak in her side profile, her jawline with his eyes so he could remember it forever.
″I can't. But I know you'll have a good life because you deserve it. At some point you will be happy again, I know it.″
″How am I supposed to be happy without you, Er? You're my one and only, you're my life!″ he said and his voice was slightly furious. Why didn't she understand him? Why did she talk to him in a way she's never talked to him before? How could she think that he could be happy without her?
″Jay you have to promise me one thing,″ Erin said and looked directly into his eyes.
″Huh?″
″Promise me that you will promise it.″
″Erin,″ he sighed.
″Jay please. This is my wish. My last and only wish.″
″Okay,″ he finally nodded.
″You have to promise me that you'll be strong no matter what happens, that you'll fight for your very own life, that you'll learn to deal with it and that you'll give your best to be truly happy again one day.″
″But-″ he started to disagree but she interrupted him immediately.
″No Jay, promise it and keep your promise. I just want the best for you and although I'm not with you anymore, I'll always be there. Just listen to your heart and you'll know where I am.″
″I promise it, Er. And I will never disappoint you. I love you.″
″I love you, too, and thank you Jay,″ she whispered and they both stopped their horses so they were able to kiss each other, to taste each other's lips for one last time.
″Erin is this real?″ he asked her after ending the kiss he wished to continue forever.
″Does it matter whether it's real or not?″ she asked in response.
″No,″ he mumbled and shook his head.
″Then it's however you want it. Real or unreal.″
During the time they've been talking, the sun has already almost set and glowed in an unbelievable red on the horizon.
″Can I go now?″ Erin then asked him with a low voice and Jay looked at her as his eyes widened.
″Erin, no, I can't.″
″Jay please, let me go.″
He looked at her again, scanned every part of her face, every inch of her body. He loved her so much and he would forever. Tears started to slide down his cheeks again and as he wasn't able to say anything, he just nodded.
″Thank you. Let us canter a little, okay?″ she asked and once again he only nodded.
For a little while their horses cantered right next to each other, straight into the direction of the sunset. Somewhen Erin and her horse accelerated the pace and Jay had no chance to follow them, no matter how hard he tried.
″I love you. Forever,″ he cried as he watched how they got smaller and smaller in the distance and how they then somewhen disappeared in the red sun. For one last time Jay tried to follow them, to find them again but when sun has almost completely set, apart from some few inches that were still visible, he saw her horse loping back towards him. But without Erin, who it had left on the other side...
You can shed tears that she is gone, or you can smile because she has lived.You can close your eyes and pray that she'll come back, or you can open your eyes and see all she's left.Your heart can be empty because you can't see her, or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday, or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.You can remember her only that she is gone, or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back.Or you can do what she'd want: smile, open your eyes, love and go on.
The continuous beep of the ECG let Jay start from his dream. He looked up to the heart monitor and saw the flatline. He had given her his okay to die and now she was gone.
″No, no, no, no, no,″ he cried. ″Come back, please come back. Come back to me.″
XxXxXxXxXxXxX
″Jay!″ the well-known raspy but yet angelic voice of Erin appeared right next to his ear.
″Jay! Wake up,″ she called again but he didn't open his eyes, just wanted to enjoy this moment that she was so close to him although she was gone, that she was back with him.
″Jay!″ Her voice sounded furious and the next thing he felt was how someone slapped him in the face. His eyes fluttered open and he gasped when he saw Erin leaning down to him, looking at him all worried. In the same second he backed away from her towards the other end of the couch. Was this real? Was it just another dream? How could she be here with him, in her apartment, when some seconds ago they'd been in the hospital and her heart had stopped beating.
″Hey Jay,″ Erin said with the softest of voices and scanned him sternly, getting even more worried than she has been ever since she had unlocked the door of her apartment some moments ago and had found him on the couch, screaming 'no' and 'come back'. And even now, as he at least seemed to be awake, his breathing was heavy, his forehead was wet with cold sweat, his facial color was as white as the snow in winter and his whole body was shaking.
″Jay, everything is good and whatever it was, it was just a nightmare,″ she said but he still stared at her with empty, widened eyes and shook his head vehement.
″This...not real...not real,″ he stammered.
″Babe, everything is good,″ she said again and sat down right next to him, touched his arm and had to swallow when she saw how he startled from this touch and pulled his arm back. In this moment she knew that his nightmare must've been about war...or her. And no matter what exactly he had dreamed, it has completely broken him.
″No...no...no...not possible,″ he spluttered again and Erin figured he was more talking with himself than with her.
″Jay,″ she whispered again but she didn't know what else to tell him to convince him that this was real. Once again she laid her hand on his arm and he startled again but didn't pull back this time.
″You had a nightmare, babe, but everything is good now, okay?″ she repeated her words and softly stroked his arm with her thumb as she locked eyes with him. His pupils were still wide and a whole lot of pain and fear reflected from his eyes and his face in general. His eyes were glassy and tear-strained and it seemed like he had cried a lot within the last hour.
″You...you...you were dead,″ he said with barely no voice and Erin's heart broke as her apprehension got confirmed.
″I'm here Jay and I'm alive,″ she whispered and brought her hand up to his face to cup his cheek.
″You're alive,″ he echoed when suddenly something else flashed through his mind and his heart literally stopped beating. ″What about the baby?″
Erin slightly frowned but then she saw the new wave of pain and fear in his eyes and she instantly knew that his nightmare had not only been about losing her but also their baby.
″The baby is fine, Jay,″ she answered softly and looked down to her round stomach and only now Jay really gazed at her for the first time since the slap woke him up some minutes ago. And he let out a long breath when he saw that her abdomen was as swollen as always.
″Yeah?″ he asked shyly.
″Of course,″ she said, grabbed his hand and placed it on her stomach so he could feel his very active baby kick against his hand.
″You see? As crazy as always,″ she said and gave him a little smile and for the first time that evening a faint smile rushed over his face as these tiny kicks helped him to really believe that this now was real and not just another dream.
″Seems like,″ he whispered and he curled closer to her side, rested his head on her shoulder just like she usually did.
Erin wrapped her arm around him and held him tight, tickled his neck and head with her fingers to help him to calm down even more and to forget his nightmare, to come back to reality. She's never seen him like this before and this whole nightmare was clearly her fault as she hadn't been able to call him for hours and he had then apparently started to create worst-case-scenarios in his head. Scenarios that were too real for him to take it. Scenarios of losing everything that mattered in his life.
″Where have you been all the time?″ he somewhen asked into the silence and his voice was almost back to how she used to know it.
″There were traffic jams due to accidents and construction sides all the way along and I dumped my phone on a gas station just some miles out of St. Louis. It broke completely and I couldn't use it anymore,″ she answered. ″I know I should have taken other options to call you, like a public telephone along the highway, but I just wanted to get home to you as fast as possible. I'm sorry Jay.″
″It's not your fault Erin...I just panicked.″
″It is my fault. You panicked because you were so worried about me. If I had simply called you somewhen in between none of this would have happened.″
″You're back home safe and that's all that matters to me,″ he said and sat up a little so he was able to kiss her lips. The only lips he wanted to kiss for the rest of his life.
″Erin?″ he asked afterwards.
″Huh?″
″I love you.″
″I love you, too, Jay,″ she smiled faintly and kissed him again, still feeling so guilty.
″Do you wanna talk about your day?″
″Not now Jay,″ she answered and shook her head. Although she wanted to tell him about everything and even needed his comfort, she knew that this would be too much now. ″Tomorrow, okay?″
″Okay,″ he nodded and they both got up from the couch and walked to the bedroom where they lay down some minutes later, Erin snuggled into him as almost always and Jay just enjoyed their closeness and soaking in the sweet smell of her hair. And although the room was completely dark and he was beyond tired, he wasn't able to sleep. He still couldn't forget his dream and he feared to have another one like this as soon as he would close his eyes. So he stayed awake for a little while longer, listened to Erin's steady breathing right next to him, inhaled her scent. Although everything had just been one frightening nightmare and none of it had been real, he knew one thing for sure, one thing that was real: a life without her wouldn't make sense for him and he hoped and prayed that fate was clement with them for one time in their lives so they wouldn't have to live without each other at some point but would instead grow old and wrinkled together. In Wisconsin, or wherever else. It didn't matter. As long as they were together. And for now, he only wished for some smooth and easy months so that they could finally sail into parenthood without any further drama...
I'm sorry for putting y'all through this but this chapter just 'happened' somehow...I can't really explain it to be honest..when I heard this song a while ago I decided that this is something I wanna try because it was a new direction for me. I can totally understand if you don't like this chapter though :D and I have to admit I wasn't even sure whether I shall post it or just skip it and keep it for myself. Maybe you already figured out while reading it that it wasn't real, maybe you thought I'm the most evil person on this planet :D would in any case like to know what you think.
I promise the next one will make up for this: some team-fluff is coming and the gender-reveal will also (finally) happen in the next chapter :)