28. The Life We Chose

I can't believe I'm almost at 200 reviews, so thank you all for the ongoing support! :) Here comes chapter 28, long one again, hope you like it!

28. The Life We Chose

When Jay woke up one the following morning after his alarm clock had rang and reached out for Erin, he only felt her side of the bed being cold and empty.

″Erin?″ he yawned and stretched his body.

″I'm here,″ he heard her calling from the bathroom. Some seconds later she stepped back into the bedroom, just wearing some panties and one of his shirts as always.

″Why are you up already?″ he asked and yawned again.

″Couldn't sleep anymore. Your daughter really thinks she's a soccer star. Messi or someone,″ she sighed.

″How do you know Messi?″ he replied being all surprised.

″Guess that's the benefit of being your girlfriend. There's nothing about sports I don't know anymore.″

″It's all about the right education,″ he chuckled. ″Come here.″

″You should get up and not getting me back into the bed,″ she answered and raised her eyebrow.

″Please,″ he begged and of course she couldn't resist. She crawled back into the bed and immediately snuggled into his arm, with her head resting on his chest.

″So, what is this about?″

″I just wanted to cuddle with my girls,″ Jay whispered and kissed her head. He placed his hand on her belly and started to stroke it softly. Erin didn't answer, just put her hand on top of his and enjoyed this little moment of intimacy.

″Woah, she's really getting stronger day by day,″ Jay said after some minutes of silence, being all amazed by the strong kicks he was feeling. For him this was the best thing in the world.

″Yaah, tell me about it. Pretty sure she tumbles in there like a maniac,″ she laughed.

″She's an athletic one,″ he smiled. ″You want to be a sportstar one day, right?″ he asked and softly tickled her belly.

″Boxing, playing soccer, gymnastics. Our daughter's quite versatile I'd say,″ she smiled and gazed up to him. His eyes were sparkling and this beaming smile surrounded his lips. It was that smile that she only knew for some weeks now and every time she saw it she just fell in love with him over and over again.

″I love you,″ he whispered and Erin was sure that he was able to read her mind sometimes. ″Both of you,″ he quietly added and kissed her.

XxXxXxXxXxXxX

They arrived at Erin's apartment about an hour later. The smell of fresh coffee and pancakes welcomed them when they opened the door. The table was set with a huge plate full of chocolate chip pancakes, dozens of little bowls with all kind of fruits and glasses with orange juice where placed on the table as well.

″Wow, that looks amazing,″ Erin said.

″Good morning guys,″ Liv replied, turning around to them.

″You didn't have to do that.″

″I know. I just wanted to give you guys something back. So take a seat,″ she smiled.

″Great, I'm starving,″ Jay said and sat down immediately.

″Counting the many times you've already said that in your life, you should be dead by now,″ Erin answered all dry and laughed.

″Hey, a man needs to eat,″ Liv defended him and also laughed.

″See,″ he glanced to Erin. ″Thank you Liv!″

″Where's Noah?″ she asked.

″Still in bed, playing with his stuffies,″ she replied. ″Noah, breakfast is ready, would you please come?″ she then called. Some seconds later, Noah walked into the room, still wearing his pajamas and when he saw Erin, his face became all smiles.

″Ewiiiin,″ he sqeaked and came running towards her. She got down on her knees, caught him and swirled him through the air. Now he giggled even more joyfully.

Jay and Liv exchanged some confused looks. They didn't see that one coming. Erin neither.

″Why so stormy boy, huh?″ she asked him.

″You play with me?″ he asked with hopeful eyes.

″Later, okay? Let's have breakfast first, yah?″ she suggested and he nodded eagerly in response and smiled brightly.

″Guess someone adores you,″ Liv said.

″Naah, I'm just the girl he can have fun with and you're his mom who has to be strict sometimes. I guess he'll hate me again when it comes to naptime,″ she laughed.

They all sat down and had a nice and entertaining breakfast together. Noah had one of his better mornings and was goofy all the time. Erin tried to imagine what was more exhausting: Noah with a meltdown or Noah being like this all day but she was sure she would figure this one out soon enough.

″So Jay, are you done eating?″ Liv asked right after Jay had finished his sixth or so pancake.

″Yeah I think so. This was delicious.″

″Glad you liked it,″ she smiled and started to bring the dishes to the sink.

″Liv, you and Jay should go to the district and let me do all this housewifely stuff. Hank really doesn't like it when he has to wait.″

″Okay okay,″ she answered and held her hands up in defense. She went to the bedroom where Noah was already playing with his toys again.

″Mommy goes to work now, okay sweetheart? Erin will be with you again all day.″

″Okay,″ the little boy nodded.

″I love you,″ she said and softly stroke his head. ″Can mommy have a kiss?″

″Yaaah,″ Noah smiled and gave her a wet kiss.

″Thank you,″ she said, kissed his cheeks once again and left him alone with his toys.

″I think Noah and I might stop by the district later,″ Erin said when Liv came back to them.

″That would be great!″

″Yeah, it would,″ Jay mumbled and got closer to Erin. She wrapped her arms around his waist and hugged him.

″Be careful.″

″Always,″ he answered and placed a kiss on her hair before he and Liv left the apartment.

XxXxXxXxXxXxX

Erin and Noah enjoyed a stress-free morning with lots of laughters. They played with his stuffies for a while, built some more towers together, made a puzzle, she read him another chapter of 'The Little Prince' and she even watched one episode of Bob the Builder with him. Time passed faster than she had expected and she realized that she hasn't been bored for even one second that morning.

″Are you getting hungry?″ she asked Noah around noon.

″Yaah.″

″What do you think, we're going to cook pasta and after that we'll go to the playground?″

″Yaah, me like,″ he smiled.

″Alright, you're going to give me a hand?″

He nodded and Erin picked him up from the couch to start their cooking-session that turned out to be a quite chaotic one. But once again Erin recognized how much fun she had. Although this was of course not the same kind of fun that she had when she was at work. Chasing down bad guys was still her favorite.

As promised, they went to the playground, which was just one block away, afterwards. They tried to build a castle in the sandbox but the result was an indefineable bunch of mud. Naturally, Noah had most fun on the swing and sliding down the skid but unfortunately their little trip found a sudden end when the rain started to pour down.

When they were back in the apartment, Erin just changed Noah's clothes to clean and dry ones and changed her own jeans as hers were a little muddy as well. She brought Noah down to her car, settled him into his car seat, loaded the buggy into the trunk and drove right into the direction of district 21.

She parked her car in front of the precinct some 15 minutes later and when she picked Noah up from his car seat she recognized that he already started to look tired again. She decided to take the buggy up to the bullpen so Noah could sleep in there, but when she took the bag with the toys from the trunk she realized that she wasn't able to carry Noah, the bag and the buggy all at once without risking to fall over her own feet.

I guess you need like ten hands and arms when you have a child, Erin thought sighing and closed the trunk.

″Wow, the kids are born big these days,″ Platt welcomed her with a sarcastic voice when she walked into the 21st, carrying Noah on her hip. Erin frowned and gave her sergeant a what-the-heck-look.

″Just kidding Lindsay.″

″Whatever,″ she nodded.

″No honestly, this suits you better than I've expected,″ she said all serious this time and pointed to Noah.

″Glad to surprise you,″ Erin answered and now she was the one being all sarcastic. ″Actually, can you do me a favor? Can you take his buggy out of my car and bring it up to the bullpen?″

″I assume that's your way of saying you'll get your ass down here again and do it yourself,″ Platt answered dryly.

″Thank you Sergeant, always nice talking to you. But I see, desk sergeant is such a busy job. Distributing police cars to patrol officers all day must be hard. Really hard,″ Erin shrugged, rolled her eyes and went up the stairs.

″Says the Detective who has been demoted to be nanny.″

″You got it,″ Erin just waved aside and opened the door to the bullpen. She didn't care about Platt and surprisingly the things she had said didn't even bother her.

″Hey guys,″ she said when she came up the stairs and saw Antonio, Adam, Kevin and Al sitting on their desks.

″Hey there, how are you doing?″ Adam said and went to her, reaching for the bag she carried on her shoulder and placed it next to her desk.

″Quite good. What about you guys? Do you already miss me?″ she grinned.

″Every single second,″ Antonio smirked.

″Hey Noah, how are you doing man?″ Adam asked him but Noah immediately hid his head on her shoulder.

″He's a bit tired,″ Erin said and rubbed Noah's back.

None of them recognized that Hank has just entered the room. He stayed in the background for some seconds and watched Erin comforting the toddler that she carried on her hip. She was one of the most badass cops in Chicago but today she just looked like a mother. For the very first time. And this little fact made him smile.

″Glad to see you here kid.″

Erin turned around when she heard that familar raspy voice. She didn't say anything, just tried to interpret the gaze he gave her and the smirk that surrounded his lips. She couldn't help but think that there was some pride in his eyes. But within the next second it was gone.

″Where are Liv and Jay?″ she asked, trying to avoid any kind of conversation with him.

″In the interrogation room. I'll tell Liv you're here,″ he said and left again.

″A kid looks good on you Erin,″ Antonio said and smiled.

″Surprisingly,″ Adam added and Erin answered with a directed punch on his side.

″What? I'm just honest,″ Adam grinned and went some steps back from her as he expected another punch.

″Yeah, that's truly one of your greatest attitudes Adam Ruzek,″ she answered tongue-in-cheek.

″Are your hormones talking again today?″ he teased.

″No Adam, not at all. I'm just honest,″ she winked. He didn't answer anything, so Erin basically won their little verbal fight. As always. But she was not done with him yet.

″So Adam, as you don't look super busy at the moment – or should I say as always – can you please do me a favor?″

″What do you need?″

″I have a special job for you. A job that really requires the strongest man of Intelligence,″ she replied and she could see how his ego boosted. Kevin was about to protest but she just gave him an almost imperceptible wink.

″Alright you got me. I do whatever you want,″ he said being all proud and showed his muscles to his colleagues who really had to fight hard against getting the giggles. Even for Erin it was hard to stay all serious while obviously everybody got it that she was just fooling him.

″Great. Thank you Adam. I appreciate that,″ she said with the sweetest of voices.

″So what is it?″ he asked full of expectations.

″Here,″ she said and threw her car key to him. He didn't expect that and only caught it narrowly.

″I am allowed to drive your car?!″ he asked and a bright winning smile appeared on his face.

″Are you dreaming, man? Noah's buggy is in there and I need it up here so he can have his nap,″ she replied dryly and kept a straight face. Adam just stand there for a second, being all of a dither.

″So, what are you waiting for?″ she twinkled and now she was the one with the winning smile on her face.

″Ye-ah...sure,″ he mumbled and went down the stairs. Now none of the others could hold back any longer and all their laughters bursted out.

″God Erin, now I know what I've missed since yesterday,″ Antonio laughed.

″You got him, girl,″ Kevin grinned and gave her a high-five.

″Smart one Erin,″ even Al admitted from behind his desk.

″Always glad to cheer you up guys,″ Erin grinned.

″You surely did,″ Kevin nodded and it took a moment until the seriousness returned.

″So, how's the case going?″ she asked and sat down on her desk with Noah sitting on her lap.

″Still a tough one. Jay and Liv are interrogating Sam Dillon at the moment,″ Antonio answered and pointed to the picture of a dark-haired man on the board.

″Is he our guy?″

″No, looks like he has an alibi. But he knows something. Liv and Jay are trying to find out in which way he's involved.″

″Here comes your delivery,″ Adam interrupted them when he came back to the bullpen.

″Thank you Adam, you're the best,″ Erin winked. She placed Noah in the buggy and covered a blanket over him. He was so tired, he didn't even try to resist this time.

″Can you guys update me about all the facts I don't know yet?″ she asked and pointed to the board while she leaned back in her chair and slightly pushed the buggy back and forth with her foot.

″Sure,″ Antonio nodded and they started to tell her about what's happened since the previous morning, what they'd found out with Olivia's help.

″We got a name,″ Jay said when him, Liv and Hank walked into the bullpen. They all turned their heads around, eagerly waiting for more news.

″Kyson James,″ he said and pinned a picture on the board. ″And our witness, Oliver Marshall, knows more according to Dillon.″

″Alright,″ Hank nodded. ″Liv, Al you go and visit Marshall again. Bring him here in case you need to. Antonio, Halstead, Atwater, you go with me finding this prince charming,″ Hank ordered and pointed to the picture. ″Ruzek, you're going to check on the alibi of Dillon. And I want to know everything about James.″

″What, why me?″ Ruzek protested, being clearly disappointed that he had to stay here.

″Because I told you so.″

″Hank, let me do that together with Mouse,″ Erin suggested.

″We need Mouse in the surveillance van,″ Hank said without taking further notice.

″Then let me do it alone,″ she said. ″Please. I want to help.″

He turned his head around and gazed at her. She focused his eyes with hers and she knew she didn't have to say anything else. Her eyes did the talking.

″Alright,″ Hank finally nodded. ″Ruzek, you're going with Olivia and Alvin.″

″Great,″ Adam answered.

″We roll out in five,″ Hank said and left the bullpen towards the rollout.

″Guess I owe you one,″ Adam said.

″See, this is the benefit when you're nice to me,″ Erin grinned and winked at her younger colleague.

″I'll remember that one,″ he smiled and also left.

″How's my little boy doing?″ Liv asked and came to Erin's desk.

″He asked for you quite some times but now he's peacefully sleeping.″

″Thank you again Erin,″ she said and stroked Noah's cheek.

″No problem.″

″Alright, see you later then,″ she winked and left the bullpen together with the rest of the crew.

″See you later guys. Be careful,″ Erin replied and started her work on the computer.

XxXxXxXxXxXxX

″Ten one officer shot. Ten one officer shot. Calling for immediate backup and an ambulance to...″ Erin felt her heart dropping to her knees when she heard these words out of the police radio. Just some minutes ago she'd called Hank to tell him what she'd found out about Kyson James and he had told her that they would go in now. She's then turned on the police radio to follow all the actions of her squad members out there.

″It's not Jay, it's not Jay, it's not Jay,″ she told herself. It didn't help. Her heart raced and she felt like someone has punched her in the stomach. A wave of nausea hit her and she felt like she had to vomit any second. She tried again to calm herself down and took some long, deep breaths of air. But as much as she tried to push the pictures in her head away, the more real they became. She saw Jay, covered in blood, fighting for his life. Then she saw Jules. How she had held her hand in the ambulance, how she had told her to fight while the blood was running down her neck and how Jules had lost the fight in the end. She saw Jay lying in a hospital bed again and then she saw herself standing at the graveyard, carrying their baby in her arms.

″It's not Jay, it's not Jay, it's not Jay. Not again,″ she reminded herself over and over again. Just some short ten weeks ago she's been through all this and no one could have that much bad luck, not even her. It seemed like yesterday when she had thought she'd lost him. When she only got a call from Hank and rushed to the hospital, unaware of what had happened to Jay. The drive to Chicago Med back then was the longest in her life. And now all the feelings, all the emotions, all the memories, they just came back, hitting her with full force. She felt another wave of nausea coming up and this time she wasn't able to swallow it. She ran to the break room and vomitted into the sink.

″You don't even know who got shot,″ she told herself after clearing her mouth and pressed her hand against her forehead. She pulled her phone out of her pocket and dialed Hank's number with trembling fingers. Just as she'd expected, he didn't answer.

Maybe it's him, she thought and she felt how another punch just hit her stomach. So far, her only concern was Jay, but what if it was Hank? The man that saved her life. The man that became the father she never had. The man with whom she had a fight, so many fights these past few months. What if exchanging icy glances and harsh words was the last thing they've done? What if she could never tell him how much she still loved him?

″It's neither Jay nor Hank. They are both fine,″ she again said to herself but it still didn't work.

Her heart was still racing and she still felt nauseous when she grabbed her jacket and the car key from her desk. She picked the sleeping boy up from his buggy and left the bullpen with him.

She knew that she was in no condition to drive a car right now, but no matter who got shot, she needed to be there. No matter whether it was Jay or Hank or someone else, it was a member of her family that got injured, what made it impossible for her to stay where she was, waiting for someone to finally inform her.

Noah was still asleep when she placed him in his car seat. She sat down on the drivers seat, took some more deep breaths and then drove right to Chicago Med. It was a good thing that she had the two-and-a-half-year-old toddler in the car. Thanks to him and for him and of course also for the baby inside of her that she had to protect, she managed to stay focused and concentrated on the streets.

She parked her car right in front of the hospital some minutes later and picked Noah up again. But this time he woke up and he was anything but pleased about it and instantly started to cry and tried to squirm out of Erin's grasp.

″Hey Noah, everything is fine,″ she said, trying to calm him down with rubbing soft circles on his back but it seemed like Noah didn't even recognize her, was still more or less sleeping, and his cries got even louder.

″Noah, I'm here, okay?″ she tried again but he didn't seem to hear her, screamed for his mother instead. Erin sighed and went into the waiting area of the emergency department while Noah's screaming got more and more intense. She made her way to the information center when she straight ran into Adam. She looked up to him, being all confused for a second. She tried to remember with whom Adam was supposed to roll out.

Noah was still screaming like a maniac and all the other patients paid attention when Erin saw all the blood on Adams clothes and gasped.

″What happened?″ she whispered with a voice full of fear, uncertain whether she was prepared for the answer.

″It was...I...they...shot..,″ he spluttered, obviously having a shock.

″Hey Adam,″ she said, clearing her own voice and softly grabbed his arm.

″So much blood...it's bad,″ he mumbled and Erin felt her heart drop again.

″Adam, just tell me: who is it? Hank? Jay?″ Her voice got quieter towards the end of the sentence in fear of the possible answer.

″What?″ he asked and inhaled a deep breath. ″It's Olivia.″

Although it wasn't the name Erin has expected to hear, she felt how her feet got shaky and out of a sudden dizziness hit her body.

″Hey, hey Erin!″ Alvin came running into the waiting area, grabbed her arm and softly pushed her back to one of the seats.

″Are you okay?″ he asked and sat down next to her. Erin wrapped her arms tighter around Noah and stroked his hair. He buried his face in her chest and kept on crying.

″Yeah...yeah...I just thought it was Jay...never thought it could be Olivia,″ she spluttered. ″Weren't you guys supposed to pick up the witness?″

″It was a trap,″ Al answered and his voice came bitter and cold.

″How?″

″The shots came out of nowhere. Of course none of us had a vest on. I mean, we were just supposed to ask this freakin' bastard some questions,″ he said and clenched his fist.

″How bad is it?″ she asked while she was still rubbing Noah's back. At least he slowly started to calm down.

″Bad. I don't know. I think she got two bullets. At least. But I don't know where, there was so much blood...″ he paused.

Erin nodded and lay her head against his shoulder.

″You should go and wash this off,″ Al said to Adam, who was still shaking, cold sweat covering his forehead.

″Alright,″ he slowly nodded and got up.

″You're okay Ruzek?″

″Yeah, I just need some time,″ he said and went to the restroom right across their seats.

″How did you know about the shooting?″ Alvin asked Erin.

″Police radio. I wanted to know what was happening out there.″

″Why did you think it was Jay?″

″Because he was the one catching the bad guy,″ she shrugged.

″And you didn't figure it was Ruzek's voice that called for backup, right?″

She looked up to him, felt like being caught. How could she have missed that? She had just heard someone calling 'officer shot' and she had assumed it had to be one of her colleagues that went after Kyson James and had therefore thought it was Jay or Hank because her life was perfect with punching her in her face all the time.

″I didn't pay attention to the voice, I guess. I just heard the emergency call and I think in that moment my brain wasn't able to put the pieces together anymore,″ she sighed.

″It's okay kid,″ Al answered and wrapped his arm around her shoulders.

They sat there like this for some minutes, Al giving Erin the comfort she needed, until she saw Will running through the ER.

″Take him for a second,″ she suddenly said and handed Noah over to Alvin. The toddler grabbed her T-shirt with his little fist and started crying again.

″I'll be right back boy,″ she said and stroked over his hair.

″Where is Mommy?″ Erin's heart broke when Noah looked at her with his big eyes. She couldn't answer as she felt tears coming up so she turned around and left but she could hear Noah screaming for his mother again and again.

″Will,″ Erin called and ran after him.

″Erin? Sorry, no time at the moment,″ he answered hecitcally and kept on searching for something in a shelf.

″Listen. The woman in there. She's my friend. A really good friend.″

He turned his head around for a split second and sighed. ″I know Erin. And believe me, we're doing everything we can,″ he said, touched her arm and ran back into the trauma room.

Erin was pacing up and down in front of the room when Will came back to her just some minutes later.

″She wants to talk to you.″

″She's able to talk?″ Erin asked surprised as this was the last thing she has expected after seeing all the blood on Ruzek's clothes earlier.

″Barely. I told her you're here and she refused to get intubated for her surgery before talking to you. Please hurry up, I don't know how much time we have.″

Erin nodded and followed Will into the trauma room. She had to take a deep breath when she saw Liv lying in the bed, the color of her skin as white as the sheets. Everywhere was blood, tubes came out of her chest and she looked more dead than alive but yet she was breathing on her own which had to be a good sign.

″Erin,″ she whispered.

″I'm here. You're going to be fine,″ Erin said and squeezed her hand but Liv closed her eyes and shook her head.

″You will, believe me,″ Erin assured her instantly.

″Erin. Noah is the most precious gift I ever got in my life.″ She stopped as she wasn't able to continue.

″I know. And he's out there waiting for you and the two of you will be back together again soon.″

Once again Liv shook her head. She tried to take a deep breath but Erin could tell how much pain that caused.

″I need you to promise me something.″

″What?″

″Take care of him.″

″Of course I do,″ she answered, still holding Liv's hand.

″No,″ she said while her voice got lower every second, her breathing even heavier. ″I want him to grow up in a family. With people who love him.″ She paused again, trying to collect the last energy that was left in her wouned body. ″Please promise me that you and Jay will take him in case..-″

″No. No. No!″ Erin denied and looked over to Will, trying to figure out whether Liv's condition really was as bad as that they had to consider the worst case scenario. ″Liv you're going to be fine and...-″

″Erin,″ she whispered and now she was the one who slightly squeezed Erin's hand. ″Maybe I'm not and I want to be sure that he is with people he knows and that he can grow up in a peaceful place. I don't have siblings or parents who could take care of him. You and Jay love each other in a way I've rarely seen before and you're going to be great parents...-″

″Liv don't say things like that. You're a fighter and you're going to be fine, okay? Because I can't...″

″Please Erin. You can. I know that. You're a great person and Noah loves and trusts you, I've seen it. Promise me you'll look after my boy,″ Liv cried, tears starting to roll down her face. Erin closed her eyes, trying to fight back her own tears and staying strong for Liv. She didn't have a choice and she knew she didn't have that much more time to think about it.

″I will. We will,″ she finally nodded.

″Thank you,″ she sobbed. ″Tell Noah...-″ she gasped and her eyelids fluttered as the alarm of the heart monitor started to beep faster.

″Tell Noah I...love...him.″ Blood came out of her mouth with these words.

″Liv! Liv! Stay with me!″ Erin screamed before she got pushed aside by Will and Dr. Rhodes.

″Damn it! I need an intubation set NOW,″ Will called.

Erin just stood there in the corner, wasn't able to realize all the things that happened around her. Liv had so many colleagues and friends in New York, people she knew better than her but yet Liv had asked the one person who was able to be a mother least. All of this couldn't be true. This had to be a nightmare. Some hours ago her life was good, as good as it could be at the moment and now it broke into pieces again? She couldn't handle losing another friend. She couldn't handle raising a child she barely knew. She wasn't able to deal with another drama in her life. Neither now nor ever.

″Alright let's go,″ Dr. Rhodes voice interrupted her thoughts. She still felt like being paralyzed when they shoved Liv out of the trauma room. She leaned back to the wall and slid down to the floor. She covered her face in her hands and started to cry. All the things she had held back this past hour just came out.

″Hey Erin, are you alright?″ she heard Will asking and his voice was clearly worried.

She didn't look up but nodded while she inhaled deeply to calm herself down.

″Are you sure?″ he asked and sat down next to her.

″Yeah, just give me a second,″ she mumbled into her hands.

″Take as long as you need. Shall I call Jay?″

″No.″ As much as she needed him right now, he had to bring down the bastards that where responsible for all of this. She knew he would come immediately, but at the moment his team needed him even more.

″Will, be honest with me. How bad is it?″ she asked and looked to him for the first time. She could see the sorrow in his face and her faith for a happy-end dropped.

″She has a bullet in her stomach and another one close to her lungs. She's lost a lot of blood and we don't know how much is damaged and how bad the internal bleedings are. But our best surgeons are operating on her and they'll do all they can.″

″That means we need a miracle, right?″

″It's never wrong to pray for a miracle in situations like this. And we both know miracles happen,″ he said and of course Erin knew immediately knew that he was referring to Jay.

″She'll be fine,″ Erin nodded but it seemed like she was convincing herself. ″I'm going to wait here. How long will this surgery take?″

″It will be hours, at least five, maybe more. Erin, let me suggest something. Go home, try to relax, spend some time with Noah instead of trying to entertain him here. You can't do anything for her and I promise I'll call you as soon as anything changes.″

She sighed. He was right. But she somehow was afraid of going home with Noah, being alone with him and waiting for that one damn call.

″Okay,″ she agreed and got up from the floor. ″Promise me you'll call me.″

″I promise. I'll keep you updated.″

″Thank you,″ she replied, forcing a smile for goodbye.

XxXxXxXxXxXxX

Noah was still in the middle of his meltdown when she came back to the waiting area. Al and Adam tried their best to entertain him, but nothing worked. He reached out for Erin when he saw her coming. She immediately picked him up, pressed his head against her chest and covered her own head in his hair.

″It's fine boy, everything is fine,″ she whispered and rubbed his back again. Finally his whining got more quiet.

″Thank God,″ Alvin sighed and exhaled a deep breath.

″He knows something is wrong,″ Erin answered with a low voice.

″He can't know Erin. He's too young.″

″And I tell you, he does,″ she said and the voice, that's been so low before, was rising.

″Okay okay,″ he replied, holding his hands up in defence. ″Any news?″

″She's in surgery. It'll take some hours.″

Alvin and Adam only nodded by these news.

″She'll be fine,″ Erin said emphatically.

″That's what we're all hoping Erin.″ She could hear the disbelief in his voice and a wave of angriness swept through her body.

″If you already lost your hope, then she already lost this fight!″ she yelled. ″We have to fight for her. With her. We have to believe in her strength and we can't just simply give her up! If I had given up Jay he would...-″ She couldn't finish this sentence as she felt her tears coming up again and so she turned around, ready to leave the ER as fast as possible.

″Nobody's giving her up Erin.″

She stopped and although she didn't want to pay any further attention to what Alvin said, she turned around again.

″Oh no! You just did,″ she spat out, pointing her finger on him.

She then almost ran out of the ER. Maybe she has been unfair. Maybe this wasn't the right way to talk to someone who had just been involved in a shooting. But she didn't care. Liv had to survive because she needed her to survive. Because this little boy, who she now placed in his car seat, needed his mother to survive. No one could ever replace his mother, least of all Erin.

During the drive home, Noah instantly kept asking for his mother. Erin's head ached when she arrived at her apartment and she was hoping that Noah would stop asking as soon as he was reunited with his toys.

″Where's mommy?″ he asked after they have both sat down on the floor and Erin started to put the toys out of the box.

″She'll be back soon,″ Erin sighed, realizing that her hopes wouldn't come true.

″Moooooommyyyyy,″ Noah started to cry again and angrily threw his toys on the floor. Erin thought that he maybe only asked for his mother constantly because his nap got interrupted and he was therefore still tired. Tha's what little kids did when they were tired, they cried for their parents.

″Noah,″ Erin reached out.

″Noooooo! Mommy,″ he screamed and laid down on the wodden floor, trampling on it with his little fists and feet. His screeching got louder and louder. Erin tried to stroke his head but he kicked her away with his feet.

″Mooooommy,″ he yelled again.

Erin got up from the floor as she couldn't do this anymore. She so badly wanted to leave her apartment, wanted to leave all of this drama behind her. She wasn't able to cope with this situation. Why did she once again get the proof that her life was one damn accident? That she was apparently not supposed to be happy for even one second in her life. That something bad always happened to the people she cared about most.

She went to the bathroom, tried to ignore Noah's intense yelling. She refreshed her face with ice cold water, took some deep breaths of air and reminded herself that she had to stay calm while her headaches got stronger with every minute passing and hammered against her forehead and temples.

He can't scream forever, Erin thought and closed her tired eyes while firming her hands on the basin. She stood there for some minutes and sighed when the screaming finally got more quiet. She went back to the living room, picked Noah up from the floor and sat down on the couch, placing him in her lap.

″Ssshhh, ssshhh.″ She gently stroked his wet cheeks while dandling him but he kept on whining.

″Noah, I talked to your mommy,″ she said. With big, teary eyes, Noah looked up to her.

″Mommy?″

″Yes mommy. She told me that she loves you and that she thinks about you every day.″

″Where's mommy?″ he asked again and his voice got weepy again.

″She's not here yet but she'll be back soon, okay?″ Erin felt bad lying to the toddler, who obviously wasn't able to understand the situation but knew something was wrong anyway. But she didn't know what else to do. Her heart was heavy and she had to swallow a lump in her throat. ″And until she's back, she wants you to stay with me and she wants you to be the good boy that you always are, okay?″

″When mommy back?″ he sobbed.

″Soon, Noah, soon,″ she whispered.

″Noooooo now,″ he protested and started crying again. Erin's heart broke when she saw the desire for his mother in his eyes and she wished nothing more than that Liv was here. Or Jay.

″Your mommy loves you Noah. She loves you so much,″ she said and placed a kiss on his hair. ″And you know what? She told me to go to the toy store with you and buy you everything you want.″ It was a sudden flash of thought and she spoke it out loud before she could think about it. Maybe this was the only way to distract him from constantly asking for his mother, no matter how bad it was on the educational side.

″Yaah?″ he looked up to her and his face slightly enlightened.

″Yes, of course,″ she replied and forced a smile.

″Okay,″ he said and jumped out of her lap. Surprisingly her idea had a much better effect than she'd expected.

″Come,″ he smiled and grabbed her hand, pulling her off the couch.

XxXxXxXxXxXxX

″So Noah, what do you want, huh?″ she asked him and softly tickled him when they were in the baby- and toy-store about half an hour later. The cart was already full with a travel bed for toddlers as she and Jay needed their bed for themselves now, some more diapers and other stuff they would maybe need and now they stood in front of the racks which were overloaded with toys.

″This,″ he said and pointed to a wodden locomotive set with rail tracks and even a little railroad station.

″Yeah?″

″Yes,″ he replied with a big smile. Erin put him down to the floor so that she was able to pick the big box from the shelf and loaded it into the cart. Noah walked around a bit and scanned all the toys with big eyes.

″Hey, don't go to far away,″ she called and followed him.

″Up,″ he begged and reached for her arms. She picked him up again and as soon as he was in her arms, his little hands grabbed two small plastic dinos that were placed in an upper shelf.

″These too?″ she asked him.

″Yes,″ he nodded. ″Please,″ he added and giggled.

″Such a polite young man,″ someone said behind her. She turned around and saw a friendly smiling shop assistant standing next to her.

″Do you need any help?″ she asked Erin.

″Uhm, no thank you, I'm fine,″ she answered and smiled back of necessity.

″This is going to be a handful,″ she said and glanced at the toddler who had his leg rested on Erin's 7-months-belly. Erin didn't get what she meant and frowned. Despite the fact that her thoughts were still with Liv, she wasn't exactly eager to have a chat with the shop assistant.

″Sorry, what?″ she asked, trying to be as friendly as possible.

″Two little kids that young,″ she replied and pointed to her belly. ″But I'm sure he's going to be a great big brother.″

″Actually he...-″ she stopped and started thinking about it. What if this was their life, their future? She had promised it after all. What if Noah was going to be 'their' child? What if their family would soon not only consist of one child, but two? What if Liv..-? No. She couldn't finish that thought and risk another breakdown in the middle of a toy store.

″Yeah. Yeah he will,″ Erin answered and forced a smile.

″When's the little one due?″

None of your business, Erin thought but she was able to control herself and not to spit out the words that were on the tip of her tongue.

″End of January.″

″January will come faster than you think. Whishing you all the best,″ the shop assistant smiled.

″Thank you.″

″In case you need something, just ask.″

″I appreciate it, thank you,″ Erin answered and started paying her attention on Noah again, hoping that the shop assistant would not come back.

″Anything else you want? Or can we go?″

″A stuffy.″

″Okay,″ she replied and pushed the cart over to where the stuffies were. He picked a little blue teddy and a quite big dog and was all smiles when they left the store. Erin was unbelievably relieved when they were on their drive home and Noah happily played with the two dinos back in his car seat, babbling all the time.

XxXxXxXxXxXxX

They played together for the rest of the afternoon and early evening and the distraction not only worked for Noah, but also for Erin. She was able not to think about Liv all the time and no one has called her throughout the afternoon as well. She assumed this was a good sign. It had to be. That's what she told herself all the time when doubts came up.

Later, she made dinner for herself and Noah, bathed him, read him a story and brought him to bed. Of course he asked for his mother again quite some times but as it has been a tough day for him, he fell asleep within minutes at least, all snuggeld up to Erin.

She was still lying in bed when she heard a silent knock on the door. She softly pushed Noah aside and got up, wondering who would visit her at that time of the day.

She opened the door and found Hank standing in front of it. She didn't say anything, just hugged him shortly, felt her tears coming up again. Hank allowed this short embrace as they both needed each other and this was their way of showing it and in this moment all the things that had happened were somehow forgotten.

″Come in,″ she said after ending their embrace.

Hank followed her and they sat down on the table. It was an awkward silence as Erin didn't dare to ask about Olivia.

″She's out of surgery,″ Hank said, reading her mind.

″How's she holding on?″

″All I know is that they had to revive her twice. She's now in the ICU. No one is allowed to visit her yet but Jay and Antonio are there at the Moment, waiting for an update.″

Erin sighed. It wasn't the answer she was hoping for but also not the answer she'd feared so much.

″Did you find this bastard?″ she asked bitterly.

″We have Kyson James. But Marshall is on the run and we have no idea where he is,″ he said and his face got harsh. ″We'll haunt this bastard down, no worries.″

″I know you will,″ she answered and touched his hand.

″You should go to the hospital, be there in case she wakes up. The two of you have a really good bond, haven't you?″

″It developed during the last times we met. She's a great person, someone I really like and look up to,″ she shrugged. ″But I think you should be there Hank,″ she said with a meaningful glance and of course it only took him seconds to figure out what she meant.

″Naah, I hate hospitals. I can't...-″ he paused. He didn't have to say anything else. Erin knew exactly what he wanted to say but couldn't speak out loud. He had been in the hospital every day for months when Camille got sick and had lost her in the end. And now, another person he obviously cared about was in critical condition in the very same hospital. Hank would never admit it, but she knew all the memories that came with it were to much for him to handle.

″Hank,″ she said softly and reached out for his hand again.

″Don't,″ he shook his head. ″I told Halstead to send you there. He's waiting for you.″

″I can't. Noah's sleeping.″

″Why do you think I'm here?″ he grinned tiredly.

″You're going to babysit?″ she asked and raised her eyebrows in disbelief.

″I'm going to watch TV and drink a glass of wine and watch him sleep. He won't wake up, will he?″ he asked and Erin imagined how Noah would react when he'd wake up and only a stranger was there.

″He's pretty much out. But I think I should stay here. He doesn't know you and...-″

″I'll handle it, he knows me at least a bit,″ Hank replied but he could hardly hide his pride. In just two days Erin has completely changed. She put the toddler first and cared for him in a way, Hank hadn't thought was even possible. It seemed like she finally stepped up some steps on her way of becoming a mother.

″Alright. I think he will sleep through anyway,″ she nodded, trying to interpret his glance. ″There are some leftovers from dinner in the kitchen in case you're hungry,″ she said and pointed to the fridge.

″You cooked?″ he raised his eyebrows and couldn't hide his surprise.

″Why do you and Jay act like this is something out of this world?″ she asked.

″Because it is out of this world,″ he replied with a grin.

″You don't have to eat it though. Just wanted to be nice,″ she said and grabbed her jacket and her car key. ″Call me in case you need something, okay?″

″Sure. And you call me when there's any news on Liv's condition.″

″Got it,″ she replied and left the apartment.

XxXxXxXxXxXxX

Her steps resounded when she walked through the empty hallway of the ICU station. She smelled germicide. And death. Chills went down her spine when she thought about how many people have already lost their lives here and when she thought about the last time she'd been here.

And then she saw him sitting there, on a couch in the waiting area of the ICU. The man whose embrace she has longed for the whole day. Jay got up and ran towards her when he saw her coming. He wrapped his arms around her and held her tightly. She buried her head in his chest while Jay softly tickled her neck.

″Are you okay?″ he whispered and placed a kiss on her hair.

″No,″ she replied with barely no voice and wrapped her arms even tighter around him.

He sighed and placed another kiss on her head. They stood there like this for some more seconds and for the first time that day Erin did not feel completely broken.

″Let's sit down over there,″ he said and pointed to the couch. She nodded and he softly pushed her there. As soon as they've sat down, she rested her head on his chest and he wrapped his arm around her shoulder. Of course he did not miss how miserable she looked, so he just wanted to comfort her in any way possible.

They didn't know how long they've been sitting there like this when Will joined them. They both looked up, hoping to finally hear some good news.

″There were some complications during the surgery but all in all it went well. She's now in a medical induced coma to give her body the chance to heal. But she's not out of the woods yet. Our biggest sorrow right now is her blood pressure. She's on full dopamine but it's still too low. Sorry guys, I really wanted to give you some better news,″ Will explained.

″Thanks Will. Can we see her?″ Erin asked.

″Not yet, maybe in about an hour.″

″We should go to the cafeteria, eat something, drink something. You'll call us when we can see her, right?″ Jay asked his brother.

″Sure,″ he nodded.

″I'm not hungry. I cooked earlier.″

″Yah, but you didn't eat something,″ Jay stated and she looked up to him instantly. He knew her so well.

″Maybe not,″ she shrugged.

″Come on,″ he stood up and reached out for her hand, interlocking his fingers with hers when they walked towards the cafeteria.

″They only have soup, and those,″ he said and showed two candy bars when he came back to their table.

″Soup and chocolate sounds perfect too me,″ she replied and forced a small smile.

He placed the plate in front of her but as much as she wanted to eat something for him and for their baby, she couldn't. Jay got even more worried when he saw how she picked at her soup.

″What's going on Er? I know you and Liv became close friends, but there's something more to the story, right?″ he asked, took her Hand in his and tried to lock eyes with her.

″I don't know. It's just so hard. I mean how could I expect that my life would be drama-free for once?″ she replied with a bitter laughter.

″Hey, Liv's a fighter, okay? She will make it,″ he said and squeezed her hand.

″What if not?″ she quitely asked.

″She will. I'm sure she will,″ Jay answered, trying to encourage her. Erin felt tears coming up again and swallowed the lump in her throat.

″You know,″ she started and looked in his eyes just to lower her glance two seconds later. ″Before she faded away and they brought her to surgery she wanted to talk to me. She was so scared. She was barely able to talk at that point...but she asked me about Noah...whether we could take him...″ she spluttered and stared at the spoon in her soup.

″Of course we do, why wouldn't we?″ Jay answered.

″No Jay, you don't understand,″ she said and shook her head. ″This was not about now. This was about being his parents in case...I mean she was lying there, totally weak and she thought she has to die, I couldn't say no, right?″ Her voice was more of a whisper than anything else and she still didn't look him in the eyes.

Jay sighed. This was a lot. And it was honestly something he never had expected.

″Of course not,″ he replied.

″I mean I had to say yes. I'm sorry I couldn't ask you,″ she said and he saw how tears rolled down her cheeks. He reached out and wiped them away with his thumb and then softly grabbed her chin so that she had to look him in the eyes.

″Hey, Er, you did the right thing. The only right thing,″ he convinced her and stroked her cheek.

″Yeah...but this...I mean it's already huge enough for us to have our baby. But this...all of it...our baby and now Noah, this isn't the life we chose.″

″It's not the life we chose. But it's the life we got and sometimes you have to accept that and take what life gives you.″

″I don't know,″ she shrugged. ″And I still don't know why for God's sake she asked me. Yes we are friends but there are so many people in New York she knows better than me. People Noah knows better than me. Why would she want me to take care of him? Me Jay? She knows me and she knows my story and all day I've been trying to figure out why out of all the people she has in her life and knows for so long already, she would ask and trust me. Why me Jay?″ she asked desperately.

″Because you're an amazing person, Er,″ he answered. ″Because she is in Chicago right now and none of her other friends were here. So of course she asked you because she wanted to be sure that someone takes care of her son, she wanted to hear herself that someone is there for him in case she dies. It didn't matter for her that she has maybe better friends in New York, you were there and you were the only one who could promise it in the second she needed to hear this promise.″

″I should've been her very last option because just some hours ago I messed up already,″ she said and a sardonic laughter filled the air of the cafeteria.

″What happened?″

″He didn't stop asking about her and at one point I simply couldn't handle it anymore. What do you tell a two-and-a-half-year-old whose mother is most likely going to die?″

″I don't know. What did you do?″

″I took him to the toy store and allowed him to take everything he wants. Mostly. What does this tell you about my mom-skills?″ she asked, again with a bitter laughter escaping from her mouth.

″Regarding the situation I think it was the best you could've done,″ Jay answered, trying his best to convince her that this hadn't been bad at all.

″It wasn't but I didn't know what else to do. I just wanted him to stop asking,″ she sighed. ″Anyway, the point is, there was this shop assistant and she basically told me something like this is going to be a handful. I really didn't catch it at first. Then she explained that she meant two kids that young will be a handful but she's sure that Noah's going to be a great big brother. I immediately wanted to tell her that Noah is not my child but I couldn't. I started to think about what I agreed to. What I promised. Jay, what if Noah makes us a family before we even are a family? What if an upside down turned life is our future? We can't handle this..″ she said and he voice was still filled with pure desperation.

″Erin, I know this is a lot for you at the moment. And for me too, believe me. But you and me, we can handle everything. As long as we have each other.″ He stood up and pulled her up from her stool, hugged her tightly. ″That's all that matters, okay?″ he whispered and placed another kiss on her head.

″Thank you,″ she said and looked up to him, into his caring and loving blue eyes and placed a gentle kiss on his lips. She still didn't believe that they could handle anything of this but right now she just needed him to be there for her, needed his comfort, needed to hear the things he said and needed him to hold her tight, to somehow keep her together.

″And you know, I'm 100% sure that Liv is going to make it. She's a fighter and she'll be back with us soon,″ he said and tried to encourage not only Erin with his words, but also himself.

Erin was right when she had told him that this wasn't the life they chose, because it honestly wasn't. Of course he wanted to be a father, was excited to become a father, looked forward to the birth of their daughter with a whole lot of anticipation, but that didn't mean he was actually ready for it...

Reviews are appreciated, as always :) I'll try my best to give you the next one before the weekend!