29. Code Blue

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29. Code Blue

They were allowed to see Liv about half an hour later. Tubes were coming out on both sides of her thorax and a big tube connected with the ventilation machine went down her throat and kept her alive. Erin sat next to her bed in silence for a while, Jay standing behind her, just listening to the rhythmic alarm tones that controlled Liv's pulse and heartbeat.

″We should go home Erin. Hank can't stay at your apartment the whole night,″ Jay suggested and laid his hands on her shoulders, massaged them gently.

″I'll stay,″ she replied and shook her head.

″Erin-″

″Jay, please. I need to stay. I don't know why, it's a feeling.″

″The only thing you need is sleep,″ he sighed and when Erin turned her head around to him she saw this deep worry on his face again.

″I can sleep here. But I'm not going to leave her tonight.″

″What about Noah?″ he asked and got down on his knees in front of her.

″I'll be back before he wakes up in the morning.″

Jay didn't like that. Not at all. But he knew he had no chance in this case. He was worried about Erin. The day has been more than just exhausting for her and considering her pregnancy and her current emotional state, she should really slow down and not spend the night awake, worrying about her friend.

″I can't do something that makes you go home with me, can I?″

″Not tonight, I owe her to stay here. I somehow need to take care of her, be there for her.″

″I understand. But please, try to relax a bit, okay?″ he begged her with worried eyes.

″I do,″ she replied and stroked his cheek.

″Fine, call me if anything changes.″

She nodded in response and kissed him gently, tried her best to show him that she was fine.

″I love you,″ he said afterwards and kissed her again before he left.

″So, it's just you and me now, I think,″ she said, breaking the unbearable silence in the room. It felt weird talking to someone who couldn't respond but she'd quite some experience with it as the ICU has become her living room in the last few months.

″Listen Liv, I don't know whether you can hear me but maybe you do. I know you are a fighter. Hell, you already had to fight so many times in your life, so please do me a favor and also keep on fighting this time. No matter how hard it is. I know giving up is not yours. Do it for your little boy. He needs you, maybe more than you know. You're his mother and he loves you so much. And although I promised to take care of him I will never be able to replace you and be a mother for him. He misses you and he knows that something is different. Every time he asks about you and I have to lie to him, it breaks my heart. Maybe I'm selfish at this point but I can't let you go. Becoming a mother scares the hell out of me. It honestly does. And although you obviously absolutely trust me and my maternal instincts, I have to disappoint you and tell you that I'm not ready to be a mother yet. I don't even know whether I'll be ready in January when this little lady makes her entrance,″ she said quietly and placed one hand on her stomach. ″So please, please, please, keep on fighting Liv. Don't leave your little boy alone. I know you can do that. You are one of the strongest women I know, so just show them all what a real fighter looks like, okay?″ Tears rolled down her face towards the end of her little speech. Just some weeks ago she had cried more than ever because she had thought she was going to lose Jay. And now here she was again, back at bawling her eyes out. She partly blamed it on the pregnancy hormones but throughout the last months she'd also learned that she didn't have to hide her emotions anymore. She didn't have to play the strong girl when she didn't feel like being it. No one blamed her for showing how fragile she was and especially now, with Liv being in a coma and no one else around, she didn't give a shit at all.

XxXxXxXxXxXxX

When Erin arrived at her apartment around 3.30 in the morning she was barely able to keep her eyes open. The night had passed without any major incidents and one of the doctors that had come in to check on Liv's vitals had told her it was the best sign possible that she was that stable. She'd then decided to go home as she hasn't slept for even one minute while she was sitting right next to Liv's bed.

She just changed her clothes to pajamas and crawled into the bed, right next to Jay. Her back ached from sitting in that chair for so long and lying down already brought a lot of relief.

″Hey,″ Jay whispered.

″Keep on sleeping,″ she whispered back while he wrapped his arm around her waist from behind.

″How late is it?″

″Around four or so,″ she mumbled.

″Sleep well,″ he sighed and placed a kiss on her hair.

While Erin fell asleep within seconds, Jay was fully awake now. He laid there and inhaled the sweet scent of her hair, tried to get himself back to sleep. But his thoughts kept him from sleeping. He was worried about Erin. Really worried. Not only because he was sure that she hasn't slept one second while she had been in the hospital but because of all the current circumstances. What would happen to them if Liv would really die? Or better, what would it do to Erin? The fragile woman he loved more than anything else and that was his soulmate. The girl that had almost lost all the people in her live she loved and cared about and now carried their daughter under her heart. From the second she'd told him she was pregnant he knew that she was not ready for anything of this and that becoming a family would be the challenge of their together life. Every time he thought about the fact that he was going to be a father soon, his heart started racing of excitement. Becoming a father was something he'd always dreamed about but never had thought would ever come true. He knew it wasn't the same for Erin. She wasn't as excited as him. She was scared. And her fear made it so hard for her to deal with her pregnancy and to accept all the changes that came with it.

In addition, her past of course still had a huge impact on her and as much as he tried to encourage her, she didn't believe in herself when it came to motherhood, still thought she was too much like Bunny. And now Noah? Would he make her a mother even earlier? He knew she wouldn't be able to raise a two-and-a-half-year-old who had lost his mother and deal with her own grief. He wasn't even sure whether he was.

Erin surely has already come a long way since the beginning of her pregnancy. From not accepting, denying, hiding and ignoring it in the beginning she has slowly started to accept it, to care about it, and to be happy about it during the last few weeks, sometimes less, sometimes more. And these past two days with Noah were a big step forward on her way of becoming a mother. He was sure that Erin didn't even realize that but he did. Noah let her grow. But Liv dying, leaving Noah behind and leaving her the burden to raise a child she barely knew when becoming a mother to her own child already was huge for her? That would be too much for her. That would break her. Again. And he wasn't sure how many more times he'd be able to fix her again.

Stop it, maybe all these sorrows are of no earthly use, he thought when he recognized how much this topic drove him crazy. He always used to say that everything in life happens for a reason but he couldn't figure out what the reason of this drama was. And why they had to handle another drama at all. Wasn't it enough what they've already been through? Were they really not supposed to have a happy life for once? Didn't life already play rough enough with both of them in the past? Didn't they finally deserve a happy-end?

All of these questions didn't help him falling back to sleep. He decided not to try it any longer, just laid there and stared to the ceiling while his mind kept on working.

Around seven in the morning he recognized that Noah started to get unsettled. He quickly got up before the toddler would wake Erin up as he wanted her to sleep as long as possible.

″Hey Noah,″ he whispered and picked him up from his travel bed.

Noah rubbed his eyes and gave him a confused look but luckily he didn't start to cry. Jay took him to the living room and sat down with him on his blanket on the floor.

″Where Ewin?″ he asked.

″She's sleeping,″ Jay whispered.

″And mommy?″

″She's not here at the moment. She wants you to stay with me and Erin, do you remember?″ Jay asked and prayed that he would not have another meltdown now.

″Mhm,″ he nodded. ″When Ewin play with me?″

″Not now. But you know what? I will play with you. How about that? Both of us build a tower and we both have to be super quiet okay? And the one who is more quiet and has the better tower wins, alright?″

Noah nodded eagerly and started to build his tower.

That worked well, Jay thought and couldn't avoid a sneaky grin.

Erin woke up about an hour later. She stretched herself and yawned and reached for Jay but his side of the bed was empty and cold. She looked over to Noah's travel bed but it was empty as well so she got up and walked to the living room but remained in the door frame when she saw Noah and Jay peacefully and silently playing together. Her heart got warm and she couldn't hide a smile. For some seconds she forgot all the drama around her and just imagined how Jay would sit there one day and play with their little girl. For the first time she felt like really being ready for this and for the first time she had the urgent wish that their daughter was already here. Then there was this perfect picture in her head, of Jay holding and cuddling their newborn daughter and just thinking about it made her heart burst.

″Ewiiin,″ Noah screamed and came running to her.

″Hey buddy, how are you doing?″ She got down to her knees and hugged him.

″Play with me and Jay,″ he answered and grabbed her hand, pulling her to his toys. She sat down next to Jay and kissed him.

″So what did you think about before this gentleman interrupted you?″ he asked her.

″Nothing,″ she smirked.

″Come on, you grinned like a Chesire cat,″ he laughed.

″Did I?″

″Oh yes,″ he nodded, a soft smile surrounding his lips.

″It's just...I don't know. When I saw the two of you playing together I had these pictures in my head.″

″What pictures?″ he asked and he was quite curious now.

″You holding and cuddling our tiny newborn daughter and then playing with her like this one day. It made me...yeah...I think it made me happy,″ she whispered. ″And full of anticipation,″ she added and Jay saw her eyes sparkling. Was there really some excitement in her eyes? Some real excitement? Jay didn't know what to answer, her words just made him genuinely happy. He crashed his lips with hers in an intense kiss but only as long as Noah interrupted them again. He wasn't satisfied with getting less attention.

Erin played with Noah for some time while Jay took a shower and got ready for work as he was late already anyway. Just when he came back to the living room, his phone rang.

″Yeah, got it. I'm on my way,″ was all he said.

Erin looked up to him, some serious questionmarks on her face and Jay could tell she was worried as well.

″We got a hint on Marshall,″ he said.

Erin nodded and got up, wrapped his arms around his body, somehow didn't want him to leave.

″Be careful, okay?″ she begged and he could see the sorrow in her hazel-green eyes.

″I will. Do me a favor: don't worry too much, okay?″

″Can't promise that but I'll try,″ she answered and kissed him.

″See you tonight?″ he asked.

″No way. I can't sit around here and wait and as I can't go to the hospital with Noah because I don't want him to see Liv like that, I'll come to work later. At least for a while.″

″I'd like it better if you'd try to catch some more sleep,″ he said and his face once again reflected so much concern for her.

″Yeah sure, great idea with a two-year-old running around here. I'm sure that'll work perfectly fine,″ she replied and couldn't hide a sarcastic undertone.

″Er-.″

″Jay I'm fine, honestly. I just need to be around somehow, okay?″

″Okay,″ he sighed and placed a kiss on her forehead.

XxXxXxXxXxXxX

When Erin and Noah arrived at the bullpen two hours later, it was all empty, not even Mouse was there. The hint they'd gotten must've been a success. Erin placed Noah's blanket and all of his toys on the floor next to her desk and Noah immediately started playing with them. This morning, he had only asked about his mother occasionally and he hadn't cried as much as the day before. But Erin's headaches have come back nonetheless most likely as a result of her current sleep deprivation. She went to the break room and made herself a cup of tea and then got back to her desk. Just when she started to work on her computer, Platt entered the room.

″Erin do you need anything?″ she asked with a voice that was completely different than usually.

″Uhm no, thank you, I'm fine,″ Erin replied, trying to figure out what Platt's changed behavior was about.

″Listen, I'm sorry about yesterday,″ Platt apologized and Erin tried to remember when Platt has apologized to someone the last time. It must've been a while since she couldn't think of a such a situation.

″Yeah, it's okay. We all have our bad days, right? Maybe you have them more often than others but anyways,″ she shrugged but Platt seemed to ignore that little side blow.

″You know, I honestly just wanted to tell you how honorable it is what you are doing for Lieutenant Benson.″ Erin could tell from her face that Platt didn't just try to be nice, she really meant it.

″She'd do the same for me. And this little boy needs someone he knows and trusts. Someone who's there for him,″ she sighed and pointed to Noah.

″You're going to be a great mother, Detective,″ she answered, knocked on her desk, turned around and left Erin speechless. She couldn't believe that Platt had said these words in all honesty and seriousness, with no sarcastic or mean undertone. Platt wasn't known for spreading compliments, was instead known for her always sardonic (Pl)attitude, but this might just have been the biggest compliment she could've paid her.

Erin played with Noah for a little while and later phoned with Will, who was in steady contact with the ICU, asking him about Liv's condition but nothing has changed since the early morning hours. Her blood pressure was still the biggest problem but she was as stable as possible.

Just when she'd finished the call, her colleagues entered the bullpen. They looked a little harassed but also satisfied.

″Do you have him?″ she immediately asked and they nodded in response.

″Where is he?″ she asked and got up from her chair.

″Down in the cage,″ Adam answered. "Jay and Antonio try to get him talking."

″Let me do the talking,″ she said with a strong and determined voice but Hank came towards her, blocked her way.

″This is a little too much for you regarding..-″

″Regarding what?″ she interrupted him, lifting her voice.

″Regarding that you're way too emotional about that,″ he said, looking directly into her eyes.

″I'm not. I wanna do this. I need to do this,″ she said insistent.

″You don't. He gets what he deserves, believe me Erin,″ Hank answered patiently.

″Hank-″

″Erin,″ he interrupted her and now his voice was rising, too. ″I won't discuss that with you.″

″I was not able to help you chasing this bastard down. I owe it to Liv.″

″You don't owe her anything. And now go back to your desk.″ Al, Kevin, Mouse and Adam could feel the tension between them and felt a little uncomfortable to witness this fight.

″This is not fair. He shot down my friend. He maybe made this little boy a complete orphan. Give me five minutes with him. Just five damn minutes,″ she yelled.

″This is exactly what I meant when I said you're too much emotionally involved. You can't keep yourself cool. You'll stay here. Ruzek, Atwater, keep an eye on her,″ he ordered and left them again.

Erin could feel her anger coming up and kicked against the shelf standing next to her.

″Erin, calm down,″ Adam gently said and tried to grab her arm.

″Don't touch me unless you want to get punched really bad,″ she snapped and went back to her desk. She glanced down to Noah and watched him peacefully playing for some minutes. She felt how another lump in her throat came up. She owed it to Noah. And to Liv. She wanted to look this bastard in the eyes. She wanted to see him herself.

She picked Noah up from the floor and went towards the interrogation rooms, but Kevin blocked her way.

″Erin, you know I can't let you go there,″ he sighed.

″He needs a new diaper. And believe me, you don't want to start it stinking,″ she shrugged.

″Okay okay,″ Kevin answered, holding his hands up in defence and let her pass without hesitation.

She let Noah down to the floor when she was around the corner.

″Listen, we play a game okay? You're running back to your toys and I'm trying to catch you, alright?″

″Yaah,″ he laughed.

″Okay, go,″ she said. Noah ran back into the bullpen and Erin made her way in the opposite direction.

XxXxXxXxXxXxX

″You almost killed my friend!″ she screamed, storming towards the cage. ″Maybe you killed her. You took the mother of a two-year-old!″

″Halstead, get her out of here!″ Hank yelled.

Jay ran to her, pulled her back but she was able to escape his grasp.

″You are going to regret this for the rest of your life and you will pray every day that you'd never crossed my way,″ she yelled, directly looking into Marshall's dark eyes, not seeing the tiniest bit of regret in them but much more earning a glance that sent chills down her spine.

″Halstead!″ Hank shouted again.

Jay grabbed Erin's arm and pulled her back again. This time she wasn't able to escape his grasp but she didn't want to anyway. He took her to task outside of the precinct.

″What the hell were you thinking?″ he asked and his voice came furious, annoyed.

″Don't expect me to say I'm sorry, because I'm not!″ she spat.

″He told you to stay upstairs!″

″I don't care what he told me. I had to do it!″

″Hank knows what he's doing and why he's saying things like that Erin.″

″Oh wow congrats, you're defending him now?″ she asked sarcastically.

″I'm not. But sometimes he knows it better,″ he answered, getting his voice under control.

″And sometimes he doesn't. I had to look him in his eyes. It somehow was important for me,″ she whispered. Thirty seconds ago she had been the stubborn and strong woman and now he could see how she was becoming the fragile, broken girl again. He hated to see her like this, so he wrapped his arms around her back and held her tight.

″Okay,″ he said and placed a soft kiss on her head.

″I'll go and visit Liv. I'll tell her that we have him. Maybe it'll help her to keep on fighting,″ she mumbled into his chest.

″What about Noah?″

″Could you?″ She looked up to him but she didn't even have to finish her request as he already nodded, his eyes being so soft but yet still so worried.

″Thank you,″ she said and buried her face in his chest again.

XxXxXxXxXxXxX

″Will,″ Erin called when she entered the emergency department of Chicago Med, seeing her brother-in-law talking to one of his colleagues.

″Erin,″ he nodded, ended his conversation and came to her.

″Do you have a minute?″

″For you always,″ he winked.

″Any news on Liv? When will you guys be able to wake her up?″ she asked him, having a glimmer of hope in her eyes.

″Erin,″ he sighed. ″She has some serious injuries and her body is anything but strong at the moment. We tried to reduce the dopamine dose rate this morning but it didn't work out. We don't know where her low blood pressure comes from but we can't keep her on that maximum dose rate for too long.″

″What does that mean?″ she asked and Will could see the fear returning to her face.

″I don't think you wanna know.″

″Will, please,″ she begged but the bad feeling immediately made a comeback as Will obviously wanted to protect her from something.

″It will sooner or later lead to multiple organ failure,″ he said and Erin's heart dropped for what felt like the hundreth time in two days. She exhaled a deep breath, covered her head in her hands. She lost a little more of the small piece of hope that was left in her.

″Hey, Erin, listen, it's barely been 20 hours since the surgery. Just give her some time,″ Will tried to encourage her, although he knew that things didn't look well at all.

″She can't die Will,″ Erin whispered desperately. ″She can't die. I can't let her die. I know I promised it but I can't...″ she stopped, trying to get herself together, trying not to break down in front of her brother-in-law, trying to look like she could handle all of this while she knew she couldn't.

″I know,″ he simply answered and hugged the fragile woman in front of him. He felt so bad for her and asked himself why she had to go through so much drama at the moment. This wasn't fair, she absolutely didn't deserve that. ″We won't let her die, you understand?″

″Mhm,″ she nodded and wiped her tears away with her hand.

″You should catch some sleep, you don't look good to put it the nice way,″ he stated and forced a smile.

″Yeah, maybe later. I'll visit her first. I have to tell her that we have that bastard. Maybe it'll help,″ she said and turned around.

″I'm sure it does,″ he replied and watched her walking away, hoping that all of this wasn't too much for her. Again.

″Hey Liv,″ she said when she entered her room on the ICU. She was still as white as the walls surrounding her and didn't look too good at all, maybe even worse than the day before. Erin sat down next to her bed and grabbed her hand.

″I guess I just wanted to tell you, we got him. They caught him this morning and now he's going to pay for what he did to you. And to all of his other victims. He'll get what he deserves, I promise you. I saw his eyes and I saw no regret in them. But believe me, we're going to make him regret all the things he did every day for the rest of his life,″ Erin said and she recognized how her voice rose with every word she said, her own anger coming up again.

She stayed with Liv for the whole afternoon, telling her stories about Noah, about Hank and about Jay and herself. Every once in a while she told her that she had to keep on fighting and that she wasn't allowed to leave them all behind.

It was around four in the afternoon when Jay joined her. She got frightened when someone suddenly wrapped his arms around her from behind as she hasn't seen him coming.

″Hey, keep cool,″ Jay whispered in her ear. She turned her head around and looked him in the eyes.

″Cheeez Jay, you want to have me a heart attack?″

″Not quite.″

″Then never do this again,″ she sighed. She looked so damn exhausted and Jay's concern even grew although he thought this wasn't possible anymore.

″I'm sorry,″ he mumbled and kissed her cheek. ″How's she doing?″

″Nothing new,″ Erin shrugged.

″That's a good thing.″

″Maybe. Maybe not.″

″It is. No bad news is good news,″ he replied and knelt down next to her chair, holding her hand and looking up to her.

″Hopefully,″ she sighed. ″Where's Noah?″

″He's in the children's room with one of the nurses. I thought the three of us could do something together. Maybe taking a walk on the lake, going to that big playground with Noah and eating ice cream.″

″First thing: it'll be dark outside soon. Second thing: ice cream in November? Third thing: don't you have to go back to work?″ she asked and raised her eyebrow.

″Chicago is nice in the moonlight. And I don't care whether we eat ice cream or drink a hot chocolate, but you need to get out of here and get some distraction. And for the third thing: Hank gave me the rest of the day off to take care of my...family,″ he quietly added and placed his hand on her stomach, stroking it softly with his thumb.

″You're right, let's go,″ she smiled tiredly and got up. But as soon as she was on her feet she felt dizziness hitting her body and for some moments she saw stars dancing around her. Jay immediately reached out for her when he saw her dithering.

″Hey, hey, hey, what was that?″ he asked her all worried and pushed her back to the chair.

″Nothing,″ she answered and rubbed her aching temples.

″Don't tell me that.″

″I just got up too fast. That's it.″

″Maybe you should see a doctor, too,″ he said, got down on his knees again and softly stroked her knee.

″Jay, I'm fine, really. And fresh air and tons of sugary ice cream will help better than any doctor,″ she answered.

″You'd tell me if something was wrong, right? I mean with you or the baby? If you'd have any pain...anything,″ he quietly asked. He was worried that all the stress of the last days would harm their baby and of course Erin as well.

″Just headaches from not getting enough sleep last night and therefore getting up too fast is not the best idea, I promise,″ she said. She knew this wasn't about just her anymore but except the headaches and dizziness caused by her current lack of sleep she felt as always.

″And for baby Halstead, she's as fine as always, proving me her boxing skills all the time,″ she smiled, putting his hand on her belly so he could feel that there were no reasons to be worried.

″Guess she wants some ice cream too, huh?″ he asked, getting a bit more relaxed after he felt the strong movement of his daughter.

″Yeah, I think ice cream combined with a hot dog would be just fine for her right now,″ she laughed and ran her fingers through Jay's hair.

″Delicious,″ he laughed. ″But whatever you want,″ he added and kissed her softly before pulling her up from her chair and leaving Liv's bedside with his arm wrapped around her shoulders, agreeing on the way to the children's room that they would go to bed really early tonight.

XxXxXxXxXxXxX

Jay, Erin and Noah spent the rest of the afternoon and early evening with strolling along Lake Michigan. They ate hot dogs and ice cream and fed the ducks. Noah laughed all the time and was distracted enough to not even ask about his mother once. It seemed like he started to trust Erin and Jay more and more and accepted the fact that his mom was not here now, but would come back soon.

They later went to the big playground close to Millenium Park although it was already almost dark. But as the playground was flodded with lights and as it wasn't too cold yet, it worked out fine. Erin sat down on the bench and watched the boys playing on the monkey bars, swinging together and sliding together. From time to time Jay swirled the toddler through the air and happy screams and laughters could be heard all over the playground. Erin felt her heart burst again while watching the two of them together. The fact that this man was the father of her unborn child let her beamingly smile. Her pregnancy was a challenge for her as it came as unplanned as possible, but with every day passing she got happier about it, especially when she looked into Jay's sparkling eyes or when she watched these beautiful scenes like now. How did she get so lucky that the universe blessed her with a man that was truly and obviously made to be a father? How did she even deserve someone like him? A man who gave all his heart to comfort the people he loved. A man that would accept Noah as his son without even thinking about it. A man that loved her unconditionally, no matter what. A man that was the missing piece to the puzzle she was and made her feel complete.

″Your boys?″ someone suddenly asked next to her. She's been that deep in her thoughts that she hasn't even realized that another woman has sat down next to her.

″Yeah,″ Erin nodded smilingly without even thinking about the fact that Noah wasn't their child.

″He's a great father. At least it looks like he is,″ the woman said and pointed to Noah and Jay who were back at the monkey bars.

″Oh yes he is. Without a doubt,″ Erin said, not being able to turn her gaze away from Noah and Jay.

″Theirs ran away before my youngest was even born,″ the woman told and pointed to two boys aged around four and six.

″Sorry to hear that.″

″Don't be. We're better without him. And we've never been that picture perfect family that you guys obviously are. And we never will be,″ she sighed, focussing more on Jay and Noah than her own kids. Erin didn't know what to answer but she somehow felt bad for her.

″I really don't know you and I normally never give advice to people I don't know, but try to be thankful for what you have, not longing for what others have. It's not easy sometimes but it really helps to bring things into the right perspective. You have two super cute boys and you're all they have, you're their hero, just keep that in mind.″

″Are you a social worker?″ she frowned.

″Naah, I'm a cop. I see lots of broken families day in, day out. And you don't look like being one of them what makes you a picture perfect family for me, too,″ Erin answered and gave her a smile.

″Erin, come here,″ Jay called and waved.

″Guess I gotta go then,″ Erin said and got up.

″Well...thank you..for the things you said. I think I really needed to hear them.″

″No worries.″

″And good luck,″ she said and pointed to Erin's swollen stomach that was more than obvious as her jacket wasn't closed. It was still weird for her that now everybody could see that she was pregnant. Pregnancy was such a private thing but with her stomach growing day by day it of course became visible for the whole world and everybody wanted to take part in it.

″Thank you,″ she answered and went over to Jay and Noah.

″What's up guys?″ she asked while Jay handed Noah to her.

″I want to climb up there,″ he replied. Erin raised her eyebrow in disbelief.

″Are you serious with me right now?″

″Absolutely,″ he chuckled and climbed up the monkey bars that were obviously made for kids.

″Is Jay a bit silly today?″ she asked Noah and tickled him softly.

″Yaaah,″ the boy squeezed joyfully.

″I think you're right,″ she laughed and looked up to Jay, who was sitting on top of the monkey bars.

″So, how's the view?″ she grinned.

″Incredible. Wanna join me?″

″Definitely not.″

″I want,″ Noah said and reached his hands out for Jay. She lifted him up and Jay grabbed his small hands, pulling him up and placing him right next to himself.

″Look at that: like two apes in a tree,″ Erin laughed and shook her head. She took her phone out of her pocket and made a photo of them. She would show this one to Liv one day.

They spent another half an hour on the playground before Noah slowly started to get grumpy. Erin placed him in his buggy and covered a blanket over him and he fell asleep while they were strolling along the lake, Jay pushing the buggy with one hand and having his other arm wrapped around Erin's shoulders while she had her arm wrapped around his waist. For some time they just walked next to each other, enjoyed the starry night and each others closeness.

″What about your headaches?″

″Gone,″ she answered and buried her head tighter on his shoulder.

″Thank God,″ he sighed.

″No, thank you,″ she whispered. He stopped walking, looked down into her eyes which looked not as tired and exhausted as before but still too tired for Jay to completely push his worries aside.

″For what?″ he asked.

″For just being who you are,″ she smiled while focussing his bright blue eyes. He leaned in and placed a soft kiss on her lips.

″Honestly Jay, thank you. For everything. You know what I need most before I know it myself. You always find a way to make me feel better, no matter what kind of drama surrounds us. I wouldn't know what to do if I hadn't you,″ she said and buried her face in his chest.

″Always,″ he just whispered and kissed her again while rubbing her back. ″I love you and I have to thank you for being everything I always dreamed about. And for giving me everything I never even dared to dream about,″ he added and softly rubbed her belly.

″I can't wait until she's finally here,″ she said, placing her hand on top of his.

″Really? I thought you wanted her to stay in there forever,″ he chuckled.

″Hey,″ she replied and punched her fist onto his shoulder. ″I can't wait for the day when my stomach is not longer her soccer field and my bladder her punching bag. And when my clothes fit again,″ she grinned.

″So that's the real reason, huh?″ he winked.

″No it isn't. Just a nice side effect, you know?″ Erin laughed.

″Yaah, but seriously, what about all your fears?″

″They faded a bit within the last couple of days but I think they will never completely go. I just want to know how she looks and I want to see you falling in love with her five seconds after her birth,″ she twinkled.

″Five seconds? I don't think it will even take one second because I'm sure she'll look just like her mom,″ he answered with a glowing smile surrouning his lips.

″Naaah, I want her to have your eyes and your chin and your lips,″ she whispered while her own lips got closer to his.

″Mamaaa,″ Noah started screaming just when they wanted to kiss again. Erin sighed and got down on her knees in front of him.

″What's up buddy?″ she asked him gently and stroked his cheeks.

″Where's mommy?″ he cried.

″She'll be back soon, do you remember?″

″Noooo,″ he screamed and it seemed like they finally got their meltdown out in public.

″Noah, it's okay. Everything is alright,″ she tried to calm him down, but his cries only got louder.

″He's super tired,″ Erin said and looked up to Jay.

″Let's get him home,″ he answered and picked him up. Noah tried to squirm free of his grasp and kicked him with his little feet but Jay didn't care. He let him scream and squirm as much as he wanted and held him tightly on the way back to the parking garage.

When they arrived at Erin's apartment he had calmed down a bit, still sobbing onto Jay's shoulder. Erin changed his diaper for the night and put him his pajama on and laid down with him in her bed, reading him a story while running her fingers through his hair. Surprisingly it took nearly one hour until he finally fell asleep. Jay came into the bedroom, picked the sleeping toddler up and placed him in his own bed, lovingly covering him with his blanket.

″You should go to bed,″ he said when he joined Erin on the couch in the living room.

″Yeah I will. Later. I don't think I could really sleep anyway.″

″Er, you can barely keep your eyes open.″

″Just hold me Jay,″ she whispered.

He didn't let her ask twice and wrapped her arms around her, holding her as tight as possible. She buried her head on his shoulder and traced circles on his chest with her fingers. She needed him. She needed him so much.

″I really try to stay positive about this whole situation, but all the negative thoughts just came back and hit me with full force,″ she said and for Jay it sounded like she was apologizing for her behavior.

″It's okay. I am here,″ he replied and buried his head in her hair. His strong arms wrapped around her tiny body was all she needed right now. And the feeling that he would never leave her.

″I know,″ she mumbled, feeling how she relaxed in his embrace as almost always.

After about half an hour Jay realized that Erin was peacefully sleeping in his arms. He picked her up and carried her to the bedroom. She groaned a bit when he placed her in the bed but she didn't wake up. He covered the blanket over her, softly kissed her forehead and went back to the living room to watch TV for an hour before he also went to bed.

The loud ringing of a phone let them both start up around midnight. Erin immediately knew that something bad must have happened. Otherwise no one would call them in the middle of the night. With trembling fingers she grabbed her phone.

″Will?″ she asked and her heart was racing in her chest.

″It's not looking good,″ was the only thing he said.

″I'm on my way,″ she replied while she swallowed the sudden lump in her throat and hung up.

″What happened?″ Jay asked but he could already tell from her face that it was bad.

″I don't know,″ she spluttered. ″It's not looking good. I gotta go. Could you-″

Once again she didn't even have to ask as he already nodded. She got up, grabbed her jeans and a pullover and changed her clothes within seconds.

″I'll call you,″ she said and ran out of the apartment.

XxXxXxXxXxXxX

She came running into Chicago Med some twenty minutes later. As she didn't want to wait for the elevator she ran up the stairs to the ICU. Will was already waiting for her in front of Liv's room. This couldn't be a good sign and Erin already saw the worst-case-scenario coming true.

″What happened?″ she asked before she was even close to him.

″Code blue. We had to do CPR but she's stable now again. We don't know where it came from but her condition is even more critical and unstable now.″

Erin tried to catch some breath as this information made her feel like she was suffocating and she felt her stomach turning again.

″Can I see her?″

″Yes, sure. I'll be down in the ED again, in case you need me.″

″Yeah, thank you,″ she said and walked into Liv's room.

″Please stop frightening me like that,″ she said and sat down on the edge of her bed. ″You can't do this to me. I thought I have to say goodbye now. Please Liv, I know you are strong. I know you can do that. Don't give up. I am here with you and I will stay here and fight with you. Just promise me you won't give up.″ Hot tears spilled down her face, showing how desperate she was but also because this whole situation brought back so many memories from when Jay had been in a critical condition some short weeks ago.

She sat there in complete silence, avidly listening to the rhythmic beeps when they suddenly didn't seem to be so rhythmic anymore. The machine that controlled her heartbeat started to beep louder and faster and an alarm tone started to ring.

″Code Blue, Code Blue, Code Blue,″ it clanged through the room and the hall. It only took some seconds and Erin was pushed aside by Dr. Rhodes and some of his colleagues, watched them fighting for Liv's life once again. She sent silent prayers up to heaven. Prayers for a miracle. Prayers for a happy-end while there wasn't any hope left in her, while she felt like she was drowning once again.

″Alright we go to the OR again. We must have missed something,″ Dr. Rhodes said and they pushed Liv's bed out of the room.

Erin followed him, grabbing his arm. ″Please.″

″I know,″ he simply answered and followed his colleagues into the OR.

Erin felt how the dizziness hit her body again and she firmed up her hands on the door frame.

″Are you okay?″ one of the nurses asked her.

″Yeah, I'm...aaaahhhhh,″ she groaned and got down on her knees, trying to breathe through the stabbing pain that just has hit her lower stomach. It felt like someone has stabbed a knife right into her uterus.

″Hey,″ the nurse said, lying her hand on Erin's shoulder and got down on her knees as well. ″I need some help here,″ she yelled.

″It's nothing,″ Erin said, recovering from the pain but yet she stayed down on the floor. ″It was just...aaaaaaahhhhh!″ She placed her hand on her stomach when it felt like someone stabbed her again. But even harder and deeper this time. She tried to catch some air when she saw stars dancing around herself but the darkness already closed in as another wave of pain went through her stomach...

I'll try my best to upload again asap and not let you hang there for too long. Although you might not like the ending, please leave a review and tell me what you think!