30. All My Fault

Thank you, thank you, thank you for the feedback on my last chapter. I might've said that before but when I started this story I never imagined it to turn out like this, that so many of you are interested in the things my crazy fantasy creates! So on to chapter 30, hope you like it :)

Disclaimer: I still don't own anything.

30. All My Fault

Finally, Jay thought when his phone rang. He has been up ever since Erin had left around two hours ago and has been eagerly waiting for her call. He stopped shortly when he saw that it wasn't Erin who was calling him, but his brother.

″Will, what's up? Is she..-?″

″This is not about Liv,″ Will interrupted him. ″It's Erin. She collapsed.″

Jay's heart dropped to his knees within seconds and he felt hot and cold and nauseous all in once. His worst fear has come true and he felt like drowning just like in his nightmare some weeks ago. With the big difference that it was real this time.

″Jay?″ Will asked.

″I'm...I'm coming,″ he stamered and hung up.

Jay paced up and down in the living room for a moment and tried to sort his thoughts and feelings but he was a complete mess. He wanted to leave the apartment instantly, needed to be with Erin, needed to know what has happened to her and needed to be sure that she was fine but there was Noah he had to take care of. He didn't want to take him to the ER in the middle of the night, so he only had one option. With sweaty, shaky fingers he dialed Hanks number.

″Halstead I already know about Liv,″ he greeted him.

″It's not Liv. Erin went to the hospital...she collapsed there.″

″What? How is she doing?″

″I don't know. I need to go there but I have no one who keeps an eye on Noah.″

″I'll be there in ten,″ Hank answered and the next thing Jay heard was the free-line-signal.

He changed his clothes and waited for Hank to arrive. Seconds seemed like minutes, minutes like hours. And all these worst-case-scenarios in his head right now didn't help him to calm down at all.

He exhaled a deep breath when he finally heard a knock on the door.

″Thank you,″ Jay just said when he opened the door and ran past Hank.

XxXxXxXxXxXxX

On his way to Chicago Med he ignored all traffic rules and ran into the Emergency Department like some wild animal was hunting him. It only took him seconds to find his brother.

″Will,″ he yelled and ran to him. ″What happened?″ he asked him breathlessly, his heart pounding in his chest, still having the feeling that someone has punched him in the gut really hard.

″I don't know all about it yet but she collapsed after they've taken Liv to surgery.″

″Where is she?″

″She's up in at the Labor and Delivery floor. They are monitoring her contractions closely.″

Jay's heart dropped again and he felt his world breaking into pieces as these words came from his brother's mouth and Will saw any color that was left on his face, falling from it.

″Wait...she's having contractions? Will, she's 28 weeks,″ he said and not only his voice was full of fear, but also his eyes.

″I know,″ Will said and reached out for Jay's arm. ″But 28 weeks is good Jay. Babies born at 28 weeks have a fair chance to...″

″Don't,″ Jay interrupted him and shook his head. He didn't want to hear it, neither was he able to believe it. This had to be a nightmare. Another one. Was this what life had in store for them? Losing their daughter? He felt his tears coming up when he thought about the fact that their daughter would maybe be born today. Premature. 12 weeks early. Maybe too early to survive. He rubbed his eyes with his hands and tried to calm down.

″Jay I'm sure everything will be fine,″ Will said as he could see the pain in Jay's eyes. He has never seen him like this before. Not after their mother's death, none of the three times when he had come back from war. Will knew that his brother was absolutely desperate, fearing to lose not only his daughter and his soulmate but much more his entire life.

Jay wasn't able to answer. He just shook his head, turned around, walked past the elevators and ran up the stairs to the Labor and Delivery floor while he still didn't have control over his thoughts that kept on creating worst-case-scenarios once again.

″I'm looking for Erin Lindsay,″ he gasped when he arrived at the information center.

″One moment,″ the nurse begged and started typing something into the computer.

I don't have one damn moment, Jay thought and bit his tongue that these words did not flip out of his mouth.

″Mr. Halstead?″ someone said from behind while he was eagerly waiting, his fingers thrumming on the information desk impatiently.

″Dr. Hanson,″ Jay stated as he turned around. He was glad that it was Erin's doctor who had on-call duty tonight and he didn't hesitate to ask all the questions he had, although he feared the answers. ″How's Erin? What happened? How's the baby? Will she be born today? How are her chances..-″

″Jay,″ she said and grabbed his arm. ″Take a breath,″ she ordered, trying to calm him down. Jay obeyed and inhaled some deep breaths of air.

″Better?″

″No. Please be honest with me, what..-?″

″She's fine. Both of them are.″ Jay hasn't expected this answer. He was still focussing on the worst case scenario, on a premature baby, on losing their daughter, maybe even losing both, her and Erin.

″My brother...he said something about contractions...″ He didn't believe that everything was just simply fine.

″She had stabbing pains in her uterus before she collapsed and the fetal monitor showed some light contractions in the beginning but they decreased after we gave her some meds. We also did an ultrasound and her water is completely intact, there are no bleedings and her cervix is closed. She has an IV to give her some fluids and vitamins and we'll keep monitoring her closely for a little longer, maybe the whole night but it looks like it was just a warning sign, a sign of too much stress,″ she explained and Jay could feel some of the stress falling from him.

″Can I see her?″ he asked with a scratchy voice. He cleared his throat, swallowing the lump that has been there since he got the call from Will.

″Of course. She's in room LD52. I'll check on you guys later,″ she smiled encouragingly.

″Thank you,″ Jay replied and went directly to the room where his girls were, the one place where he wanted and needed to be right now.

XxXxXxXxXxXxX

Erin looked up to him when he entered the room. There was no allegation in his eyes, just endless sorrow. He didn't say anything, just sat down on the edge of her bed, wrapped his arms around her and buried his face in her neck while she leaned onto his chest.

″Never do that to me ever again,″ he mumbled.

″I'm sorry.″

″You two scared the hell out of me.″

″We're fine,″ she whispered while she tenderly tickled his neck.

When Jay finally turned his gaze to her after some minutes, Erin could see tears rolling down his cheeks. It broke her heart seeing him like this. And it was all her fault that he had to go through this as she hadn't been careful enough and had ignored her ongoing dizziness all day. There had been so many indications that something was wrong with her but she had just pushed them away, had thought it was just a reaction to her current sleep deprivation. It was her job to do everything to keep her baby safe and she'd ignored all the signs that her baby was not safe.

″I thought we're losing her,″ he quietly said and wiped his tears away with his hand, placing his other hand on her stomach. The sound of his voice let Erin's heart break even more.

″She's a strong one,″ she said and placed her hand on top of his, lay back down into the pillows.

Neither of them said a word, they just listened to the rhythmic and steady heartbeat of baby Halstead for a while, both of them being endlessly grateful that their little one was obviously doing well.

″Must be noisy in there,″ Jay somewhen stated out of the blue and a little smile came back to his face for the first time that night.

″Huh?″ Erin asked.

″I mean, this is quite loud for us, so it must be even louder for her, don't you think?″

″Never thought about that,″ she laughed and gently stroked the knuckles of his hand, while her other hand rested close to his other on her belly.

″And you'll never be able to sleep when it stays that noisy all night.″

″To be honest, I don't care how noisy it is, because right now it's the most beautiful sound in the world,″ she said, glancing at him. He looked into her eyes and saw them slightly sparkling for a second. Did it really need this drama for Erin to finally completely cherish the miracle she has been blessed with?

″It truly is,″ he simply replied and crashed her lips with a soft kiss but a knock on the door let them end their little intimate moment.

″Sorry to interrupt you guys,″ Will said as he entered the room. ″How are you doing Erin? And how's my niece?″

″We're fine.″

″Thank God. I was worried there for a sec.″

″Not only you,″ Erin sighed, rubbing her belly. ″Any news on Liv?″

″She's still in surgery. I can check on her if you want.″

″Would you?″

″Sure,″ he said and left the two of them alone again.

″What about Noah though?″ she asked Jay.

″Hank is with him.″

″Really?″ she asked, raising her eyebrows.

″Yeah, I called him and he literally came five minutes later. I didn't know who else to call in the middle of the night. I mean, he can handle it, right?″

″Yaah, he can. He's great with kids, no matter how old they are.″

″Can't imagine that,″ Jay grinned and earned a punch on his shoulder. ″What? It's just...weird,″ he said while Dr. Hanson entered the room to check on Erin again.

″How are you doing?″ she asked Erin and checked the fetal monitor.

″I'm fine,″ Erin assured.

″This looks good, too. Any pain? Still feeling any light contractions?″

″Nothing,″ she answered, shaking her head.

″Great, looks like that was a close shave.″

″Mhm,″ Erin mumbled ashamed. It was her job to protect her daughter and she has failed. ″Can I go home then?″ she asked and from the corner of her eyes she saw how Jay glared towards her in disbelief.

″Erin,″ Dr. Hanson said and sighed. ″This was a clear warning sign of your body. You urgently need to slow down and right now you need to rest and sleep.″

″But..-″ she tried to protest.

″There's no but Erin, this was a close one. And it was the second time you collapsed in what? Ten weeks or so? A third one might not end that well. So please, slow down and accept that there's no choice.″

″I can't sit around doing nothing.″

″I didn't say you're not allowed to do anything. But this is not only about you anymore. You have to do what's best for your baby. And as your doctor, I also do what's best for your baby and if that means I have to put you on bedrest for the rest of your pregnancy, I will, believe me.″

″I have 12 more weeks and she will not come until then,″ she said emphatically, having the urgent need to defend herself.

″She won't. When you start to slow down. Erin, I want you to have a healthy and full-term baby, not a premature 28-weeker that spends the first three months of its life in the NICU.″

Erin knew that Dr. Hanson only wanted to help her, but right now her appreciative way made her more aggressive than anything else.

″Just speak it out loud that I failed in protecting my baby,″ Erin said as her voice was rising and she felt anger coming up.

″Erin,″ Jay sighed and shook his head. ″No one is blaming you for this.″

″Oh she is,″ she snapped and glared at her doctor.

″I'm not, why should I?″ she asked and sat down on the edge of her bed.

″Because it's true,″ Erin said quietly and lowered her head, glancing at her belly. ″I failed. I had one job, one damn job. Protecting her with all I have. And I couldn't do it. All of this is my fault.″ Tears rolled down her cheeks.

″This is not on you Erin,″ Jay said softly and squeezed her hand.

″There's a lot of dramatical things going on in your life right now and this was just too much for your body and for your baby. That's why your body gave you a warning sign. You didn't fail,″ Dr. Hanson said.

″My body had to give me a warning sign as I didn't realize it myself. I already can't take care of her while she's still inside of me. So tell me, how will I ever be a good mother once she's here?″ she sobbed.

Dr. Hanson glanced to Jay and he slightly shook his head. Erin was exhausted, tired, scared, furious and emotional. She once again blamed herself for everything like she has already done so often in the past. This whole situation was too much for her and would lead directly into another breakdown.

Dr. Hanson got up and left the room and Jay wrapped his arms around Erin, softly rubbing her back with his hand.

″Don't do this to yourself,″ he whispered and placed a kiss on her hair while she sobbed onto his chest. Dr. Hanson came back and Erin didn't even recognize how she injected a sedative into her IV. Jay slowly felt her relaxing in his arms and softly pushed her back in her pillows when she was asleep some minutes later.

″Thank you,″ Jay said to Dr. Hanson and placed a kiss on Erin's forehead.

″She needs to sleep and she never will otherwise,″ she answered when they left the room.

″I know this whole situation with Noah and our friend is too much for her at the moment. I knew it and I didn't do anything to prevent it. All the sorrows, all the stress, the lack of sleep. She always cares so much about others that she forgets to care about herself,″ Jay sighed. ″I should've supported her more.″

″Mr. Halstead, don't blame that on yourself. It's neither your nor her fault. Things like that happen. And in your case it was just a scare. It was most likely the right sign at the right time,″ she said and touched his arm supportingly.

″Hopefully, because I'm not sure whether we can take any more drama,″ he said and rubbed his tired eyes.

″You should go home,″ she advised.

″I'll stay.″

″She'll sleep through the night. We'll monitor her closely until the morning and will then make another ultrasound. You can come back then.″

″I won't leave her alone. I'll stay,″ he said again. There was no way he would leave his girls alone now. He needed to be there for them, somehow protect them.

″Alright,″ Dr. Hanson finally nodded. ″If you need something, don't hesitate to call one of the nurses or me.″

″Thank you,″ he replied and shook her hand.

As soon as he was alone, he pulled his phone out of his pocket and dialed Hank's number.

″Halstead, finally! How's Erin?″

″She's fine. They both are.″

Jay could hear a sigh of relief on the other end.

″What happened though?″

″She had stabbing pains in her uterus and collapsed. She had some light contractions but they are gone now. They'll monitor her and the baby throughout the night and do another ultrasound tomorrow morning to check on the baby again. They gave her a sedative and she's sleeping now. I'd like to stay with her in case you don't mind.″

″Of course you'll stay with her,″ Hank immediately replied.

″Thank you. You can sleep in our bed, there are some fresh sheets in the closet.″

″I will surely NOT sleep in your guys bed Halstead. I prefer the couch.″

″Well, that's...″ he paused. He knew exactly why Hank didn't want to sleep in their bed but in this case he wouldn't want to sleep on the couch as well if he'd knew the story behind it. ″That's okay. There are some pillows and a blanket in the closet.″

″I'll find it.″

″I'm sure you will. I'll be back early in the morning to take a shower and pick Noah up.″

″Halstead, no worries, I'll get it handled.″

″Yeah..well...we'll see,″ Jay said. An awake Noah alone with Hank was still something he couldn't imagine.

″Anything on Liv?″ Hank quietly asked and his raspy voice sounded a bit feared.

″Still in surgery.″

″Okay. Keep me updated if anything changes.″

″Got it,″ Jay replied and hung up.

He went back into Erin's room, sat down in the chair right next to her bed and softly stroked up and down her arm. The steady sound of baby Halstead's heartbeat made him even more tired but he loved just sitting there and listening to it. It helped him to fully calm down and his fears slowly fell off of him.

″Jay,″ Will said and walked into the room later that night. ″Liv's out of surgery and so far things are looking a whole lot better than before. They found another small internal bleeding and we think that's what caused her low blood pressure. We will keep her in medical induced coma for at least one more day but we are optimistc that she'll fully recover,″ Will explained and put his hand on Jay's shoulder.

″Thanks man,″ Jay sighed in relief.

″What about her?″ he asked and pointed to Erin.

″They gave her a sedative. She blamed herself for it and started to question her motherhood skills again. Just when I thought she slowly settles into it.″

″She was exhausted and feared, let her have a good sleep and the world'll look brighter in the morning. How are you holding on, bro?″ he asked and focused Jay's face for any reactions.

″I'm fine,″ he shrugged.

″You sure?″ he dugged deeper.

″I'm fine as long as they are,″ he assured his brother, still holding Erin's limp hand.

Will sighed. Within the last months he has realized that Erin was not only his brothers girlfriend and partner but his entire life. She was the reason his brother got up every morning, day by day. She was the reason his brother was as happy as Will had never seen him before. She was the reason for his smile, his tears, his joy and his sorrows. To say she was the love of his life was an understatement because she was so much more than that. And Will knew that the same applied for Erin. They needed and completed each other in a way he didn't know was possible. But as glad as Will was that his brother finally found his long deserved happiness, he knew and feared that something happening to Erin would not only let Jay's world break into pieces, but it would also break him. He didn't need any confirmation for that, just seeing his brother right now let him know he was right.

″Alright. I'll go home now. My shift is over for hours already. Call me, if there's anything,″ Will simply replied and gave him a pat on the back.

Jay didn't leave Erin's bedside for one second until the early morning hours. He somehow wanted to take care of Erin and this was the only way to do so. And he was still a little scared that their daughter's heartrate would drop or that the contractions would come back. He wanted to be sure that both of them were fine and at home he would only go crazy due to all his sorrows.

It was around five in the morning when he had to leave her to go home for a quick shower. He was surprised to find Hank awake when he unlocked the door of Erin's apartment.

″Morning,″ Jay said towards Hank who was sitting on the table, reading the newspaper from the day before.

″Morning, you want a coffee, too?″ he asked and sipped at his cup.

″Yeah, coffee would be perfect right now,″ Jay yawned. Hank got up from his chair and brought Jay a cup of coffee from the kitchen.

″Uhm, thank you,″ he answered, being a bit perplexed from Hank's friendliness. ″So, why are you awake already?″ he then asked as he watched Hank sitting down again.

″This couch isn't made for sleeping on it.″

Jay tried not to laugh and choked on his coffee.

″You alright?″ Hank asked, giving Jay a skeptical glance.

″Yeah, yeah, sure. Just drank too fast,″ Jay lied, still trying to hide a dorky grin. ″I told you to sleep in the bedroom though,″ he shrugged, taking a draft from his coffee.

″And I told you that I don't want to do that,″ Hank replied and made his point pretty clear.

″Okay,″ Jay said and held his hand up in defence.

″How's Erin?″

″Still sleeping. If the ultrasound later is negative, they'll maybe discharge her.″

″Good,″ Hank nodded and emptied his coffee with one draft.

″Uhm Sarge. I know I don't have any free days left, but I'd like to stay at home today.″

″I never assumed you'd come to work today Halstead. Take care of your family. Make sure Erin rests in the way she needs to rest,″ he said and grabbed his jacket, ready to leave.

″Thanks Sarge,″ Jay said while he directly glared at Hank.

″If you come back to work before Wednesday I'll fire you, Halstead, you understand?″

″S...sure,″ Jay spluttered. He hasn't expected Hank to give him the two days after the weekend off, too.

″Erin needs you a lot more right now than your unit needs you. So make sure that she slows down.″

″I will, thank you,″ Jay said with all of his heart.

″Not for that Jay,″ Hank answered and gave him a pat on his back before leaving.

XxXxXxXxXxXxX

Later that morning, Jay brought Noah to the children's room of Chicago Med and played with him for a while before the toddler was distracted enough for him to leave.

Erin was awake when he came into her room. There was no more IV and fetal monitor and she looked a whole lot better than all the past days together.

″Hello beautiful,″ he smiled and kissed her as he took his well-known spot on the edge of her bed again.

″Hey you,″ she replied and also kissed him.

″How do you feel?″

″Pretty rock solid. No more headaches, no more tiredness, no more dizziness and baby Halstead also got her full energy back,″ she laughed and gently stroked his cheek.

″Has she?″ he grinned and placed his hand on her stomach. ″Woah, okay, sorry for that question,″ he laughed after he felt a kick right against his hand. ″Hey there baby girl,″ he whispered while leaned down to place a kiss on her belly.

″Jay I'm sorry for all of that,″ she quitely said, running her hand through his hair.

″It's okay,″ he said. ″You are fine and Minnie Mouse is fine, that's all that matters for me right now, okay?″

″Minnie Mouse?″ she raised her eyebrows and had to laugh.

″Yeah, don't you think that fits her?″ he chuckled.

″Considering the fact that your best friend's nickname is Mouse, I'm not sure whether Minnie Mouse is a fitting nickname for YOUR daughter,″ she answered casually and all dry.″Ouch,″ Jay laughed. ″You got a point there.″

″I know,″ she nodded and bit into her smiling bottom lip.

″But I like it anyway,″ he grinned and kissed her again.

″Good morning lovebirds,″ Dr. Hanson laughed when she entered the room just as they kissed. Erin and Jay felt like two teenagers being caught while doing something they weren't allowed to.

″Morning,″ Jay mumbled and twinkled to Erin.

″How do you feel this morning?″ she asked.

″Really good. I'm just starving.″

"Did they forget to bring you breakfast earlier?"

"Uhm no," Erin said and her cheeks blushed a little. "It was just...not much," she chuckled.

″Alright," Dr. Hanson laughed. "One of the nurses will bring you an oatmeal or something after the ultrasound is done. And she will also take another blood sample from you, just to be sure everything's alright. Did you get up yet?″

″Yeah, I went to the toilet this morning after breakfast. No dizziness, nothing.″

″Perfect. So if I remember right, we didn't do a 3D-ultrasound yet, did we?″

″No, you said we'll do it at my next appointment,″ Erin answered.

″We do it now,″ she winked as she could see how the two of them exchanged some excited glances.

A couple of minutes later, after she had checked that Erin's cervix still was completely closed, Dr. Hanson squirted the cold ultrasound gel on Erin's bare stomach. As always Jay took Erin's hand in his as Dr. Hanson placed the wand on her belly.

″Here we go,″ she said and the screen lit up. ″Hey baby.″

Jay and Erin glanced to the screen in full fascination as the picture they got was completely different than all the others they had so far. There she was: their daughter. Looking as perfect as possible. They could see every detail of her sweet little face and could count all of her small fingers. Erin smiled and turned her gaze from the screen to Jay. He was still focused on the screen, being all fascinated and touched from that perfect little human being he and Erin have created. When he finally turned his gaze to Erin, her eyes were as glassy and sparkling as his own.

″She's perfect,″ Erin whispered and turned her gaze to the screen again.

″She is. And she looks just like you,″ he replied and kissed her hand.

″Naah, she doesn't. She totally favors you,″ she winked at him with a beaming smile surrounding her lips.

″We'll see,″ Jay grinned. ″So, is everything alright with her?″ he asked Dr. Hanson.

″Couldn't be any better. She's still a bit small though but as she has been a small one from the very beginning there's no reason to worry. She's growing perfectly nonetheless,″ she explained and turned the wand a bit. ″And here we have her feet that like to kick you so much,″ she said and pointed to the screen.

″How can such tiny little feet have so much power?″ Erin asked and shook her head in disbelief, looking at her daughter's tiny feet and toes.

″It's amazing, isn't it?″ Dr. Hanson asked.

″I can't believe it,″ Erin sighed as she gave Jay another smile.

″As everything looks perfectly fine, you can go home after the blood test is done. But remember...-″

″Yeah I know, I'll take it easy,″ she assured her and Jay as well instantly.

″I'll take care of that,″ Jay said.

″Good. I won't put you on bedrest but I need you to come in again on Monday and Friday to do another ultrasound and CTG. And if everything is still looking good then, we can go back to a normal rhythm.″

Erin and Jay both nodded, both of them being endlessly relieved that their baby girl was healthy and unharmed after the latest drama.

″And if you feel any pain or you have the slightest feeling that something doesn't feel right, don't waste one second and come in, alright?″

″I will,″ Erin promised without hesitation.

Jay told Erin everything about Liv's condition while she ate her second breakfast and after she'd changed her clothes and signed the discharge papers they went to the ICU to visit her. But not as long this time as Jay really wanted to bring her home. Erin recognized that Liv's skin color was a whole lot better what helped her to start believing in a happy-end again.

″Ewwiiin,″ Noah joyfully screamed when they walked into the children's room.

″Hey buddy,″ she said and got down to her knees, wanted to pick him up.

″Easy,″ Jay said and protectivly grabbed her shoulder to hold her back from swirling the toddler through the air.

″How are you doing?″ she asked him and just stroked his cheeks instead.

″You play with me?″

″Not here, but we're going home and play there, okay?″

He didn't look satisfied but nodded.

″Alright, let's go then,″ Jay said and picked Noah up into his arms.

XxXxXxXxXxXxX

″Here we are,″ Jay said when they arrived at Erin's apartment. He let Noah down to the floor and helped him taking his jacket off.

″Come,″ he said and grabbed Erin's hand as he wanted to pull her to his toys.

″Noah, Erin has to rest a bit, okay?″ Jay explained.

″But...-″ Noah protested with sad eyes.

″I'll play with you in the afternoon, I promise.″

″Yah?″

″Of course and for now you can play with Jay.″

″Okay,″ Noah said and startet to put all of his toys out of the box.

″Bed or couch?″ Jay asked Erin.

″Bed,″ she answered.

″Are you alright?″ he asked and raised his eyebrows.

″Sure, why shouldn't I?″

″Because you didn't try to protest yet. I want you to rest and you're simply doing it...I'm not used to that.″

″Oh, you should've told me that you meant something different than I did when you asked bed or couch,″ she joked.

″Cheeez Er,″ he laughed and got closer to her to kiss her. ″Dirty thoughts that early in the morning?″

″Always,″ she chuckled, biting her lower lip. ″No seriously, I still feel a bit down so I'd like to catch some more sleep.″

″Alright,″ he said, placing a soft kiss on her lips again before letting her go off his embrace.

Erin changed her clothes to a pair of leggins, some cozy socks and a long shirt that wouldn't fit her too much longer. She lay down in the bed and Jay brought her a cup of tea and a glass of orange juice. He then closed the curtains and sat down on the edge of the bed, softly stroking her hair.

″I hope you and Minnie Mouse will have a good sleep,″ he smirked and kissed her forehead.

″I thought I made my point cle...-″

″Ssshhh.″ He laid his finger on her lips. ″Relax,″ he grinned.

″You wish.″

″I do, yes. Shall I sing a lullaby for you? It may help.″

″Jerk,″ she laughed and gave him a soft punch in his waist.

″Sleep now,″ he said, leaning down to kiss her and then got up.

″I'm still not down with that. We'll talk about it.″

″Yeah...maybe..″ he said but then he came back again, even sat down next to her again.

″Promise me one thing,″ he whispered, gently stroking her belly that was covered with the blanket. ″No more hospitals until January when this peanut wants to enter this world and you're in labor.″

″I promise,″ she nodded, lying her hand on top of his. ″Although I don't wanna think about labor or anything yet already,″ she added and grimaced by the thought that giving birth to her daughter and therefore the labor pain that wasn't too far away anymore.

″You still have a little time for that,″ he winked but said it also for himself because seeing Erin in pain was the last thing he wanted to see although he knew it was inevitable in this case.

″Mhm,″ she sighed. ″No more hospitals before that D-Day.″

″Thank you,″ he grinned, gave her another kiss and then left her alone so she could get the rest she needed.

XxXxXxXxXxXxX

While Erin slept throughout the whole morning and the early afternoon, Jay's main task was it to keep Noah happy and entertained and as quiet as possible at the same time. He thought about going to the playground with him but he didn't want to leave Erin alone. So they built towers and houses, played with the railway and the cars. They watched some cartoons on the iPad and scrolled through some storybooks together. While doing this, Noah dozed off and Jay brought him to bed.

Afterwards, out of his boredom, he took the iPad and looked for houses to buy in Chicago just as he he's been doing for some weeks already but yet there hasn't been anything that really convinced him which wasn't too bad anyway as they had agreed not to rush things with an own house and her apartment was big enough for now. But it was never bad to check what was on the market and which costs they had to expect.

″What are you up to?″ Erin asked when she walked into the living room, stretching her body and yawning loudly.

″Nothing. Just trying not to get bored,″ he smiled and lay the iPad aside.

″So you're bored?″ she asked, raising her eyebrows and having kind of a winning smile on her face. ″You now understand me a bit better, huh?″

″Oh yeah, totally,″ he smirked. ″Come here.″

″Why should I?″ she joked.

″Because I don't like being bored,″ he grinned while she sat down on the couch and snuggled into his arm.

″Are you hungry, thirsty, anything?″

″Jay I'm fine. Actually I didn't feel that good in a long time. There's just one thing...″ she said, tracing circles onto his chest.

″What's wrong?″ he asked, getting a bit anxious again.

″Not exactly wrong. It's just...what I said last night, about failing to protect our baby and being a bad mother...I really meant it...I'm scared Jay. You can't imagine how much all of this scares me,″ she finally admitted.

Jay sighed and softly stroked up and down her arm. This was the conversation they should've had some weeks ago already but he didn't want to force her into it back then. That she now in fact started to talk about it on her own wish was what he's been waiting for. And it was just another sign that something has changed since last night.

″I know Erin. But there's no reason for you to be scared.″

″I can't be a mother Jay. I'm not the type of woman who should be a mother,″ she said sardonically and got out of his embrace to sit up in front of him.

″Why do you keep telling that to yourself?″ he asked and tried to lock eyes with her. But Erin's gaze focused on the floor.

″Because it's the truth. I had the worst role-model ever. A mother that was anything else but caring, loving and protecting. And this is in my genes too. And as you could see last night, I already start messing up before she's even born. I'm just as bad as Bunny, maybe I'm even worse.″

″Erin,″ he sighed, searching for the right words. ″You are not Bunny. You just sitting here right now, talking to me and admitting your fears makes you a better mother than Bunny ever was,″ he said and brushed a strand out of her face while her insecure eyes glared at him. ″Look, every time when we work cases with kids, they immediately trust you. No matter what happened in their lives. The way you hug them, you look them in the eyes, you talk to them and you're there for them gives them hope. They feel loved and cared and protected. You may not realize that because it's natural for you. Because that's just who you are. Because you have the biggest heart someone can have. Because you do the things that feel right to you in that situation without thinking about it. So tell me, how could someone who comforts everyone with all her heart and has the unique ability to make everyone feel special ever be a bad mother? How could someone who cares for a toddler she barely knows like a mother not be a good mother to her own child? When will the girl, that always thinks she's not good enough, finally realize that she is the most amazing human being God has ever created?″

He softly grabbed her chin that she had to look him in the eyes and saw tears rolling down her cheeks. It weren't tears of desperation, it were tears of emotion. Jay knew she wasn't able to say anything, so he just placed the softest of kisses on her lips.

″And no matter how bad Bunny was as a mother, I still have to thank her. Because of her I got the most precious gift of my life. You, Erin. Thanks to her I have you. She's the one who gave birth to you,″ he whispered, squeezing her hand. ″And let me add one last thing: I think you had the best mother ever. A mother who teached you all the values about life and made you the person you are. She just came later in your life than mothers normally do.″

Erin was still overwhelmed by all the things Jay had just said. There it was again: the proof that he was her safe haven. That he magically always found the right words. Was it possible to fall in love with him again although she already loved him to the moon and back?

″Thank you,″ she simply said with barely no voice and felt kind of bad that she couldn't say more. But his words had left her speechless.

″Always,″ he said. ″I can't promise you that everything will be super great because it won't. There will be rough days. And nights. It will be a challenge for both of us and sometimes there will be days when we call our life into question. But much more important is, that there will also be those many many awesome days with endless love, beaming happiness, deep laughters and unreal joy. And that's what we live and fight for. We'll get it handled. You and me. The two of us together.″

″Did I ever tell you how much I actually love you?″ Erin asked quietly, still being all emotional. ″I wouldn't know what to do if I hadn't you,″ she said and kissed him. It bothered her that she didn't find better words to explain her current feelings and emotions but she simply was not able to say it any better right now. Her mind was still flashed from all of Jay's words, from the realization that he was right. She was not Bunny. And she had the greatest mother someone could have: Camille Voight. She was the kind of mother Erin wished to be for her daughter one day.

″Same here,″ Jay grinned and gently stroked her cheek. ″I need you, you need me, we need each other and together we're strong. It's simple, isn't it?″ he laughed.

″Seems like,″ she smiled while her stomach started growling.

″Well, Minnie Mouse is hungry now, huh?″

″Yaah...Minnie Mouse is hungry,″ she winked. ″But me too.″

″Alright then, let's make you something to eat,″ he said. He got up from the couch and grabbed for Erin's Hand, pulling her up, too and together they started cooking dinner.

XxXxXxXxXxXxX

″I'm not sure whether we'll ever get something on the stove if you keep eating all the vegetables I've just cut,″ Jay smirked while Erin sat on the counter and grabbed the carrot- and pepper-pieces.

″Minnie's hungry, I'm innocent,″ she smirked.

″Yeah sure. You could easily eat the bigger pieces that I haven't cut yet, you know?″

″The smaller ones taste better,″ she winked and playfully bit her lower lip.

″They don't.″

″I swear, they do. Try it,″ she answered all serious and he smiled at her for a second and slightly shook his head.

″What's up?″ he asked as she started to chuckle while his concentration was back on cutting the vegetables.

″This just brings back memories.″

″What memories?″

″Camille and I always cooked together. Or let's say, she cooked and I learned from her.″

″Well, she wasn't really successful with that, I'd say,″ Jay laughed and earned a punch on his shoulder from her.

″Shut up,″ she grinned. ″However, one day, shortly before she got sick, we made dinner together while Hank and Justin were at the cinema. We've been hungry all day and we also had to cut lots of vegetables. You know, Camille always paid attention that we ate as healthy as possible. So I started to grab some pieces all the time and as Camille was just as hungry as I was, she did the same. I then had the idea to try it with cream cheese as dip and it was sooooo good. Camille also tried it and we couldn't stop anymore. So instead of cooking for the whole family, Camille and I simply ate all of the vegetables ourselves and we then ordered pizza for Hank and Justin. Needless to say the two of them were quite happy about it,″ Erin laughed and Jay could see her eyes twinkle while she talked about her memories from living with the Voight's.

″I miss her,″ she added whispering and looked down to the floor.

Jay set the knife aside and made two steps so that he stood right in front of her and placed his hands on her knees.

″I wish you could've met her Jay. You would've loved her and I'm sure she would've loved you. I wish I could talk to her, ask her a hundred thousand questions and just listen to her calm and lovely voice. I wish she could see how entirely happy you make me and I wish she could see her,″ Erin said as she placed one hand on her stomach.

″Camille may not be here in person, but she can see all of that, Er. She's looking down from above and watches you every day, with a big smile on her face. She's always with you because you carry her in your heart,″ he said and softly stroked her cheek. ″And you know, maybe she's sitting up there together with my mother as they watch us as our guardian angels,″ he added and now his voice was just as low.

″This is a nice thought,″ she smiled faintly. ″I think I have to visit her soon. Haven't been there in a while. Maybe tomorrow.″

″ You definitely should, but maybe somewhen else.″

″Why? If this is about me slowing down then...″

″It's not,″ he quickly answered before she could start complaining. ″I just had another plan for tomorrow though,″ he said as he continued cutting the vegetables.

″Did you?″

″Yeah, I thought we could maybe go to the zoo with Noah. Just if you feel up to it of course.″

″This is a great idea,″ she said, got down from the counter and wrapped her arms around his waist from behind, just to steal some more of his sliced vegetable pieces.

XxXxXxXxXxXxX

When Erin and Jay later lay in their bed with Noah between them, reading him a story, and Erin felt her baby girl kicking like a maniac again, it was the first time that she was entirely grateful for this little miracle she and Jay had created. And as she stroked through Noah's hair while Jay showed him some pictures in the book, as she allowed herself to have faith again because deep inside she simply knew Liv would be back with them soon, she looked forward to the end of January not with fear anymore but rather with a lot of anticipation. She wanted to meet her, wanted to see that little girl that was half her and half Jay. She wanted to see Jay with his daughter, she wanted to touch her baby's soft skin, wanted to hold her in her arms. She wanted to be a mother. For the very first time...

I hope you're all happy with the outcome of this chapter. From the very beginning (of Erin's pregnancy) I said that this will be about her growing into her new role and accepting her pregnancy/new life and y'all witnessed the turning point now :) There's lots of fluff to follow now until baby Halstead will be born but we're getting there, just be patient :D The next chapter will have lots of Hank and Erin though as they still need to talk a few things out.

Please leave a review and tell me what you think! :)