42. The People We Call Family

Hey there,

first of all I hope you all had nice holidays with your loved ones! Thank you your reviews and sorry for letting you wait for quite a while! Just this week I realized that I started writing this story last year around Christmas and back then I didn't think I would be at 42 chapters a year later and that I would still have enough ideas to keep it going for a little while longer :) So, thank you all a lot for your ongoing support, it really motivates me to give you more and I hope you still like what I scrawl down :)

42. The People We Call Family

It's been another night with four hours of sleep, if at all, when the daybreak heralded the start of a new day. After staying in bed a little while longer to enjoy some Sunday morning cuddles, with Emmy lying in the bed between the two of them, and a delicious breakfast consisting of Jay's homemade chocolate chip pancakes and fresh fruits and after packing the diaper bag, they were finally ready for leaving their nest, for their first little trip and outing as a family of three.

″Do you think we have everything?″ Erin asked Jay, opening the diaper bag again to take a look inside while he was settling Emilia in her car seat.

″Er, we checked it twice and I'm sure we have all we need,″ Jay assured her.

″Blankets, change of clothes for me and her, diapers, baby wipes, a towel...is there anything else we could need?″ she asked him again.

″Not that I know of,″ he said. ″Are you ready then?″

″Yeah, I think so,″ she sighed but a small smile of excitement formed on her lips anyway.

″Then let's conquer the world,″ Jay laughed and grabbed her hand.

Reaching for Jay's hand and taking a look at her daughter who slept peacefully in her car seat, she asked, ″Do you think she's warm enough?″

″Yeah, I think she might rather be melting than freezing,″ Jay winked.

″It's insanely cold outside,″ Erin noticed.

″It is. But she's wearing the warmest romper they had in the store and she'll be all packed up in the stroller, so if someone's freezing to death, it'll be us, not her. Come on,″ he smiled.

″Alright,″ she sighed in response. ″Let's conquer the outside world,″ she repeated his words with a little smile on her face, Jay squeezing her hand gently before they left their apartment.

XxXxXxXxXxXxX

They parked the car in a parking garage near Grant Park, put Emilia from her car seat into the stroller and then walked along the Lake Front Trail for almost an hour, Jay pushing the stroller all proud and having his other arm around Erin's shoulder, Erin having her arm wrapped around his waist. It was cold, not as cold as it had been during this winter already and nothing they weren't used to. When the name of your hometown was Chicago you were definitely used to winters that felt like you lived somewhere close to the polar regions. But it was still freezing for sure and they both couldn't wait for winter to finally be over as it felt like forever since they last had more or less pleasant temperatures.

Nonetheless they enjoyed the fresh air and the faint winter sun and being out of their apartment in general as it was a really welcome change to just spending the days inside of their apartment. And they saw lots of other couples with strollers who also used this chilly but sunny Sunday morning for a walk with their babies.

″I have the feeling we need a dog,″ Jay somewhen stated out of the blue when the sixth or so couple in a row with a stroller and a dog passed them.

″Excuse me?″ Erin frowned, eyeing him suspiciously.

″Didn't you recognize how most of the couples with a stroller also have a dog?″

″I'm pretty sure they all had the dog before they had the baby,″ she answered all dry.

″Maybe. But we could do it vice versa,″ he grinned, giving her a little twinkle that left Erin certain that he was just joking.

″Yeah, sure, because having a newborn isn't challenging enough already?″ she laughed.

″Exactly,″ he chuckled. ″A baby and a puppy. They could grow up together.″

Erin stopped walking, furrowing a brow as she looked at him again. Until yet she's been sure he was joking but his latest statement came pretty serious and she sensed he wasn't joking at all.

″You really want a dog?″ she asked.

″I think it would be nice,″ he admitted. ″As a kid I loved having Carly around whenever I saw my grandfather and I think growing up with a pet is a good thing for a child.″

″I'm being honest with you, I never thought about having a dog,″ Erin said, taking a deep breath, not being able to believe herself what she was about to say. ″But,″ she grinned, ″I like this thought more than I want. And should. Just not now Jay, okay?″

″Hey, I never said let's go and pick up a puppy,″ he grinned. ″This lil' peanut is enough for now, then there's the wedding in July and maybe after that we can get into it again. Or we wait until we have a house with a garden,″ he winked.

″That sounds like a plan I'm okay with,″ Erin smirked, shaking her head by the thought how domesticated they've become within the last few months and how much she loved this domestic life and everything that came with it. A wedding, a baby, a house, a dog, when the hell did she become like this?

She gave Jay a short kiss, enjoyed how the stubble of his facial hair scratched on her lips. He hasn't shaved since two days before Emmy was born, just like during their babymoon in Wisconsin, and she still loved that look on him and somehow wanted him to keep it. Not a full beard of course but with these stubbles she didn't have a problem at all.

″What are you grinning about?″ Jay asked when their lips parted.

″Nothing,″ Erin smirked. ″Just like that sexy little beard of yours,″ she chuckled, raising her eyebrows playfully and slapped him across the backside before they continued their stroll back to the car.

XxXxXxXxXxXxX

The cemetary was almost empty when Erin and Jay walked towards Diane Halstead's tombstone, Jay carrying the car seat in one hand and having his other hand intertwined with Erin's. Usually it was Jay who gave her support with holding her hand tightly but today it was vice versa and Erin was the one who squeezed his hand when she recognized how he hesitated at the entrance of the cemetary.

The sunny weather with the blue sky did completely not match with the way Jay felt and the closer they came to his mother's grave, the heavier his heart got and the more the lightheartedness of the previous weeks and months faded. He hasn't been here in more than a year. The last time he had been here was the 6th anniversary of his mother's death in July 2015 when he'd spent this balmy summer night sitting in front of her tombstone, drinking one beer after another until the feeling of being drunk had overlaid the feeling of grief and pain and guilt. Until he had drowned all of his feelings in alcohol and only numbness had been left.

It had been the time when Erin had severed all ties with him, when he'd felt lost in more than just one way, not only grieving the loss of his mother because it was her death day but also grieving about the future he'd thought he and Erin had. Grieving because he'd thought he'd lost her, too. The only good thing in his life at this point. Because this was how fate had always played with him until then. He'd lost the good things in his life, the people he'd loved most. And at this point, Erin, the woman he had had deep feelings for, had only been a shadow of herself, spiraling downward unstoppably to a place of no-return.

″Jay are you okay?″ the soft voice of his fiancée interrupted his dark thoughts and brought him back to reality. He looked at her and had to smile faintly. The woman he'd thought he'd lost forever back then was now his fiancée, the mother of his daughter. The future he'd thought they would never have back then was now exactly the future they were living in. For the first time in his life, fate had played well with him by giving him Erin back, by having a baby with the woman who was the love of his life. Always has been.

″Yeah,″ he nodded. ″I'm just so glad to have you,″ he said and pressed a kiss on her temple. Erin didn't know what this was about but in this case she didn't have to. She was sure he had a reason why these words had come from his lips with an undertone of deep gratitude.

They walked through the rows of tombstones in silence until Jay stopped and placed Emilia's car seat down on the ground in front of his mother's grave and got down on his knees himself. Erin first handed him the flowers they'd bought so Jay could place them in front of the tombstone and then pulled three candles out of her bag, enlightened them and handed them to Jay as well so he could put them there, too. One candle for him, one for her, one for Emilia.

″Uhm, I think I'll go for a walk and you can...maybe talk with her,″ Erin said quietly, sensing he wanted to be alone for a moment, that it was maybe easier for him to talk with his mother when she wasn't around.

″Erin, stay. Please.″ His voice was cracked as he kept on staring at the flickering flames of the candles and at the letters and numbers that were engraved in the stone.

″Okay,″ she said and also got on her knees next to him, placed her hand atop of his.

″There's not much I wanna say anyway I guess,″ he shrugged and took a deep breath. Erin squeezed his hand gently to give him the comfort he needed.

″So uhm, mom, this beautiful woman next to me is Erin,″ he finally breathed out. ″I know I'm quite late with introducing her but she's the love of my life and we're going to marry this summer. By the end of July I will hopefully be able to call her my wife,″ he said and was even able to give Erin a little twinkle. ″And this other charming lady here, this little sleepy head, is your granddaughter. Yes, you heard right mom, you're a grandmother now and I'm a dad, it's unreal, isn't it? Her name's Emilia Camille but we mostly go by Emmy and she's five days old. So yes, she picked your birthday for her birthday. I think you'd like that, sharing your own special day with your first grandkid.″

He made another pause and Erin knew that only now he was about to say something that was extremely hard and painful for him. She tightened the grasp around his hand instantly. It was a simple gesture that meant so much more, a way of silent communication between them, showing him that she was there, that she knew.

″I wish you could meet them both, mom. Erin and Emilia. They are my life. I wish you could see how happy I am. Although I might not look that happy at the moment. I am. I truly am. And these two are the reason for it,″ he said, inhaling deeply once more. ″But I wish you were here. I wish you were allowed to be a grandmother because I know you would be the best. I wish Emmy could grow up with you being around. I wish you could teach her all the things you taught me. I wish you could give her all the love you gave me. I miss you mom. Especially when I look at our daughter I miss you and I hope that wherever you are, you somehow know that I'm alive and that I'm happy. I'm alive.″

The longer he'd talked the more his voice had turned into a whisper and he couldn't hold back some tears from falling. He wasn't always the one who supported others. He was often but not always. Sometimes he was the one who needed someone else's support. The one who was vulnerable. And broken. And Erin was one of the few people who knew this fragile side of him. But in this moment she couldn't do anything but crying with him. She couldn't handle seeing the man she loved, her rock, so broken. In addition her emotions were still a rollercoaster and she knew too well how he felt right now. Almost all of his words she could also use for Camille and Nadia, so no matter how hard she tried to be strong for him, it was impossible for her to not shed some tears. She wished for Jay to still have his mother around, she wished for him that she had at least died knowing that her son was fine and not dead. She wished for her daughter to have both of her loving grandmothers in her life, to grow up with the two best grandmothers this world has ever seen. She wished for Emmy to grow up with her crazy and loving aunt Nadia.

It was a true blessing, something she was beyond grateful for, that they had all the other people they called family in their life. These amazing people Emmy would grow up with and who loved her like their own. But it hurt beyond limits that three of the most important people in their lives had left the Earth way too early and could never come back to be with them.

″I'm sure she knows you are,″ Erin whispered after she'd managed to swallow the lump in her throat. ″She's sitting somewhere up there with Nadia and Camille and your grandfather and they're all smiling so bright because they're proud of us and happy for us. We don't see them but they are here,″ she said and lay her hand on his chest, right where his heart was. ″Because we carry them in our hearts. They are the people we call family no matter where they are.″

He gazed down to her hand on his chest and then turned his head to her, his tear-stained eyes sparkling in the lightest blue, tears still welling in his eyes.

″That's what I told you a couple of weeks ago,″ he said quietly and forced a small smile.

″Uh-huh,″ she nodded. ″I usually listen to the things you say,″ she smiled faintly.

″The corny stuff, too?″

″Everything Jay. I listen to all the things you say. You may not know it but you have a way with words and you always find the ones that I need to hear, that make me feel better. And this was something I needed to hear. Because it was true. We miss them so much but they're never completely gone because they have a special place in our hearts. And so they will forever be a part of us. They will forever have an influence on us and we will take care that Emmy learns about all these great people we miss dearly one day when the time is right and she's able to understand.″

Jay didn't answer immediately, thought about her words for a moment and swallowed the lump in his throat.

″You have a way with words, too, for sure,″ he said and a little, real smile returned to his face. ″Making quite a lot out of one sentence.″

″Yeah. Now you see what the things you say to me, do to me,″ she grinned. ″But seriously, this was simply something I thought a lot about and this is a conclusion I can live with.″

″Me too,″ he nodded. ″Thanks for being here with me Er. This really means a lot.″

″There's no other place I wanna be than by your side,″ she answered all serious and Jay's answer to this statement was crashing her lips with a thankful kiss. Simply because words failed him and this was the best way to express his current feelings for her.

XxXxXxXxXxXxX

It was around 1pm when Jay parked the car in front of Hank's house. Surprisingly he was still the one driving and until yet Erin hasn't even tried to steal him the keys and get back behind the wheel herself, so of course he kept his mouth shut and enjoyed being the one to drive his little family around, feeling like the head of the family for once.

″Are you excited to see grandpa again?″ Erin asked her sleeping daughter while she leaned over the car seat and unbuckled the seatbelt. ″I'm pretty sure he's super excited to see you Emmy,″ she smiled and lifted the car seat out of the car before they walked through the small path of the front yard and knocked on the big, wooden door.

Of course they expected Hank to open the door as he was the only person who lived here but the surprise was giant and their eyes widened to an unimaginable size when someone opened the door they hadn't expected to see at all.

″No way,″ Erin said perplexedly but at the same time the brightest of smiles appeared on her face when she saw Liv standing in the doorway, her smile being just as big as Erin's. ″What are you doing here?″

″I heard there's a new addition to the human race and I really wanted to meet her in person,″ Liv smiled. Erin was speechless for a minute and this really was a rare state as she was usually a person who had all the words. Liv had come all the way from New York just to meet their baby girl. Well, maybe there was a second reason as well, but still, Erin was so touched, she almost teared up again.

″But now come on in, I think it's a lot nicer to talk inside,″ Liv winked and closed the door from the inside after they both had walked past her. Erin placed the car seat with their sleeping baby down on the floor and kinda fell into Liv's embrace right from getting up. She was beyond happy and grateful to see her friend, her role-model, again in person, all healthy and happy and back to her full strength.

″Congratulations Erin,″ Liv said. ″I'm so happy for you.″

″Thank you. It's so nice to see you again,″ Erin smiled and ended their hug. Of course Jay was the next in line to get a hug from her.

″Congrats Jay, I guess being outnumbered feels great?″ she grinned.

″It's the best,″ he smirked.

″Eriiiiiiiiiin,″ Noah screamed and came running into the hall. She got down on her knees, picked him up and swirled him through the air which made him giggle joyfully.

″Hey champ,″ Erin smiled and kissed his cheek. ″How are you doing?″

″I miss you,″ he said and hid his head against her shoulder, became all calm for a moment. Thanks to her crazy postnatal hormones this statement and gesture was almost too much for her fragile emotional state again and she had some trouble to keep herself together. She wondered whether this would ever change again or whether becoming a mother has turned her emotions upside down forever.

″Aww Noah, I missed you, too,″ she whispered, tracing circles onto his back with the palm of her hand.

″You play with me?″ he asked and lifted his head, a glimmer of mischief and hope sparkling in his eyes.

″Of course I play with you,″ Erin laughed and tickled his belly while she carried him to the living room, Liv and Jay with Emilia following close behind.

″Nooooooo,″ Noah sqeaked. ″No tickling, pleeease.″

″Alright, I'll stop,″ Erin said, but couldn't hold back to tickle him once again nonetheless. ″Do you wanna see the baby?″

″Yes I want see baby,″ he said and Erin walked with him to the couch where Jay has placed the car seat and was occupied with taking her thick winter clothes off that she for sure wouldn't need inside of the house.

″She's so precious,″ Liv said, stroking Emilia's little hand and fingers and couldn't take her eyes away from her. ″Looks like an absolute angel.″

″Well, she is,″ Jay grinned all proud. ″I mean, she's quite easy-going, right?″ he said and turned his head to Erin.

″She's demanding...but most times she's not too complicated...yet,″ Erin smirked. ″So Noah, this is Emilia,″ she told the almost three-year-old and let him down to the floor. He got as close to the car seat as possible and looked at the baby in complete awe, his eyes big and his mouth slightly agape, the fascination on his face being visible for everyone in the room.

″Hello baby,″ he said and reached out to touch her face but Liv held him back instantly.

″Easy Noah, you have to be really careful because she's so small, okay? She's not like your friends. You can stroke her face but you need to be all gentle,″ Liv said and Noah nodded in response.

″Look mommy,″ he said, reached out again and touched Emilia's face in the softest way and then went on to stroke her tummy and her fingers.

″You're such a good boy,″ Liv, who was obviously emotionally affected by this super cute behavior of her son, whispered and pressed a kiss against the side of his head.

″Me like baby,″ Noah giggled and stroked her cheeks again. ″Me hold baby?″ he asked and looked from Liv to Erin and Jay.

″You wanna hold her?″ Erin asked back.

″Yes, please,″ he pleaded, nodding eagerly.

″Alright young man, you can hold her,″ Jay said, sat down on the couch and picked Noah up to settle him in his lap. Meanwhile Erin picked Emilia up, told Noah what he had to do with his hands and then placed Emilia in Noah's arms, Jay's arms and hands of course also holding and covering her.

″What do you think, how is it?″ Jay asked the little boy in his lap.

″Good,″ he beamed, the pride of a big borther reflecting from his face. "Look Emila gets a kissy," he said and leaned down to place a kiss on her forehead.

″You would make a great big brother buddy,″ Jay laughed and threw Olivia a little wink while Erin made some steps back to memorize this perfect moment with her phone. Seeing Jay, Noah and Emilia all together like this was almost too much for her heart to take and she wondered whether her heart could melt any more than it already has within the previous days. Jay was the most perfect dad for sure and seeing him, her unbelievably good looking fiancé with Emilia or now with both, Noah and Emilia, attracted her in whole new way. In addition she had the feeling that her ovaries were exploding by this sight but was this even possible five days after giving birth?

″Where is Hank though?″ she asked and interrupted her own thoughts, put her phone back into the pocket of her jeans.

″Kitchen,″ Liv answered. ″He didn't want any help.″

″Yeah, Hank and cooking is a very special relationship,″ Erin chuckled. ″I think I might check whether he's still alive,″ she added and left the four of them alone for a moment to finally say hi to her father-figure.

She opened the door of the kitchen and the smell of delicious, homemade food filled her senses instantly. It was a mixture of fried meat and roasted potatoes and onions and gravy.

″Hey kiddo,″ Hank smiled and hugged her shortly. ″How are you doing?″

″Tired...but happy,″ she grinned. ″Do you need a hand?″

″Naah, I'm almost done here and we should be able to eat in a couple of minutes. You better keep my granddaughter entertained. And Noah. He didn't stop asking for you yesterday,″ Hank smirked.

″Your granddaughter is sleeping and gets all the attention at the moment,″ Erin laughed. ″So, Liv and Noah have been here since yesterday?″ she asked and tried to make it sound as casual as possible. She still couldn't get over the fact that Olivia Benson had opened the door of Hank Voight's house and she had to admit, it was something she could get used to. Although if this would happen one day, it was as far in the future as possible. But there were so many, various questions whirring through her head right now and she needed answers urgently as she was way too curious for her own good.

″Yeah, Liv wanted to surprise you and I offered to help her, so they flew in yesterday morning, we spent the day at an indoor playground and made a sightseeing tour with one of these hop-on hop-off busses. She's been here so often but never saw the beauty of this city.″

Hank Voight at an indoor playground and on a sightseeing bus for tourists. Erin needed a moment to handle this information and had to supress a bright, way too obvious grin.

″The beauty of this city in winter is truly incredible,″ she laughed instead.

″I told her it's a lot more beautiful in summer and she'll come back then,″ he shrugged.

″Yeah, I guess she will,″ Erin mumbled, said it more to herself but of course Hank didn't miss it.

″She sleeps in the guest room,″ he noticed and Erin immediately felt his eyes burning on her skin.

″Uhm, I never implied anything else, did I?″ she asked him, raising her eyebrows a little.

″We're just friends.″

″I didn't say you're anything else. Hank, you don't have to justify yourself in front of me. I told you back in November what I think about it but you have to make this decision for yourself, a decision you feel comfortable with. The both of you.″

″We're friends,″ he repeated his words but Erin couldn't really believe him. There was something between him and Liv, something deeper than a friendship, a deeper connection, deeper feelings. But maybe they were both not ready to explore this yet. Maybe they needed a little more time to figure out what they wanted. To be brave enough to give it a try although the circumstances with living in New York respectively Chicago and with having a little kid weren't the best.

″Just let me say this one thing: sometimes, listening to your heart isn't the worst thing in the world but rather the best,″ she said and gave him a little smile which spoke volumes.

″Erin Lindsay giving an advice about love. Never thought that this day would come,″ Hank said and a raspy laughter escaped from his lips.

″Well, I had a good teacher I guess,″ she shrugged, giving him a meaningful glance. Of course they both knew what she referred to. The time back in May, when she had almost broken up with Jay because her feelings for him had overstrained her, and out of all people it had been Hank Voight who had given her a lecture about love and that truly and deeply loving a person sometimes was scary and overwhelming.

″Hmm,″ he only mumbled in response. ″Can you help me to set the table?″ he changed the topic and it was more than obvious that he didn't want to talk about his so called relationship with Liv any longer.

″Sure,″ Erin nodded. ″How about I set the table and you say hi to Emmy? Just this morning she told me how she misses you, so you shouldn't wait too long,″ she smirked.

″Well then I better don't let the princess wait,″ he laughed and walked with Erin, who was carrying the plates, into the living room.

Noah was back playing with his toys and now Liv was the one who was holding Emilia and rocking her gently, Emmy being fully awake now.

″Where's my little girl?″ Hank asked and sat down next to Liv.

″Grandpa is here, Emilia,″ Liv said and handed Hank the baby before she left to help Erin bringing all the dishes to the dining table.

″Hey beautiful lady,″ he whispered and pressed a kiss against Emilia's head. ″Are you a sleepy head today?″

″She kept us up all night, so of course she's tired now,″ Jay laughed.

″Is your dad complaining, Emmy?″ Hank grinned, being fully absorbed into the baby-bubble. ″Because for me it sounds like he is. But you're such an angel.″

″Only when she sleeps,″ Jay joked. ″When she's awake the devil in her comes through.″

″Your dad is the only devil in the room, Emmy,″ Hank joked back. It was such a light atmosphere between the two men now, it was incredible and for Jay still unbelieveable. ″You're my little angel and don't let him tell you different.″

When Erin and Liv had finished to set the table, they all sat down and enjoyed Hank's delicious meal, the best one Erin and Jay had within the last few days and especially Erin couldn't describe in words how grateful she was for this perfect moment with her family. This was exactly what she'd dreamed about since she was a child. To have this kind of family, these kind of Sundays, one day.

But Emilia seemed to love to interrupt their lunchs and dinners whenever she had the possibility to do so and so she did today, her loud, unpleased screaming suddenly shrilling in the room.

″Seriously, it's like she smells food and she goes like: alright, I want to eat now, too,″ Erin sighed and got up, leaving her half eaten steak behind unwillingly.

″Come here, Emmy,″ she said and picked her up from her car seat, patted her daughter's butt to calm her a little. ″Are the heaters in Daniel's room on?″ she asked and grabbed the blanket and the diaper bag.

″Yeah, sure,″ Hank nodded.

″Okay, see you in thirty minutes or so I guess,″ Erin said. ″And don't you dare to eat or even touch my steak, Jay,″ she laughed, gave her fiancé a little wink and walked up the stairs.

Up in Daniel's room, she sat down in the comfy armchair, threw the towel over her shoulder, wrapped the blanket around Emilia's backside a little, lifted her shirt and opened her nursing bra and settled her hungry daughter against her breast.

″Easy baby girl, we have all the time in the world,″ she soothed when Emmy started nursing instantly, maybe a little too fast for Erin's liking.

″This is better,″ she said and stroked over her head with the fuzzy brown hair. She looked down into her daughter's satisfied face and she shook her head and also smiled a little when she remembered how she'd feared all of this throughout her pregnancy. How she had feared to be a mother, how she had feared a life with a baby, how she had been feared of all the struggles that could might come up. And now here she sat, breatfeeding her baby without any problems and it had come so natural, had only been strange in the very beginning. But it was not just breastfeeding that was so normal now, also changing diapers, dressing her, picking her up, holding her, it was like she's never done anything else. And Jay also handled it all like he's been a father forever. Of course there was still enough time to mess this whole parenting thing up but for now she found that they were playing the parents-game pretty good and did a solid job as mommy and daddy...

Thanks for reading! Please leave a review and tell me what you think! :) The next chapters are almost done, so it shouldn't take 3 weeks again until I update. I'm still open for any ideas/wishes you have, so just tell me if you want to read about something specific (or maybe I already have the same idea :D).