41. Sleepless Nights

Just wanted to say thank you for all the reviews on my last chapter! Unfortunately I don't have much time to write at the moment (plus I got distracted with writing a oneshot which I will post next week) so my updating rhythm will be a little longer than usual for the next few weeks but I hope you'll stick with me anyway! And of course I hope you enjoy this new chapter full of domestic Linstead now that they're home with their baby! :)

41. Sleepless Nights

Exhaustion. Pure, absolute, all-pervasive exhaustion. This was what Erin and Jay felt after the first three days at home on the evening of the 4th of February. The last days since bringing Emmy home from the hospital on Wednesday evening had consisted of sleepless nights and then them trying to make it through the days somehow. Days in pajamas or sweatpants and shirts that were covered with baby drool. Days they spent in their apartment, with the only exception of Jay running for errands and diapers the other day, as they were too tired to leave their little nest. Having a newborn and finding a routine with their baby was without a doubt one of the biggest challenges two people could face. Emilia's intense crying woke them up every two hours at night and didn't let them get back to sleep for a full hour then as she needed at least one of her parents's full attention to settle again. So they were basically up 24/7 at the moment.

Just this morning Jay had suggested that Erin should simply sleep throughout the day when Emilia was sleeping as well, because this was what mothers did, they slept when their babies slept. And it had worked surprisingly well. Jay had taken care of Emilia when she had started to get unsettled, had changed her diaper and had then spent an hour with her in the rocking chair, telling her stories until she'd lulled back to sleep, so Erin had gotten a full three hours of undisturbed sleep until Emilia had started to get hungry. She didn't really have a rhythm yet when she was hungry, sometimes it were two hours in between nursing, sometimes it were up to four but all in all Erin nursed her 10 to 12 times in 24 hours, which was exactly what their midwife had told them how often she should nurse her in the beginning. So while then Erin had been the one to take care of Emilia, she had suggested that Jay should lie down too and try to catch some sleep as he wasn't any less tired than she was. Needless to say that he was in dreamland literally not even a minute after his head has hit the soft cushions.

Next to nursing her baby, changing her diaper and rocking her to sleep Erin used the time to finally skype with Justin, Olive and Daniel, getting the news that she was going to be an aunt again from them. She then continued her skype-session with Liv and Noah, the latter being as goofy as always, making silly faces all the time, and last but not least she also skyped with Michael and Susan, who were super excited and discussed jumping on the next plane to meet Emilia in person. During all the time she was sitting in the rocking chair in Emmy's room, her daughter always resting on her chest, swaddled in a blanket, while she used the iPad to talk with some of her favorite people. When she'd finished her skyping with Michael and Susan she was kinda glad about the time difference to Australia, so she didn't have to skype with Izzie, too and could postpone this to another day.

XxXxXxXxXxXxX

″You're doing so good, baby girl,″ Erin whispered and Jay's eyes fluttered open by the soothing sound of her voice. He turned his head to her side of the bed and a smile spread across his face instantly when he saw Erin lying there on her left side, her bottom arm tucked under her head, nursing Emilia while her other hand softly cradled the newborn's head. This has become Erin's favorite way of breastfeeding but sitting on the comfy rocking chair or the couch to nurse her wasn't that bad either and she tried to use a different position every time.

″Sleeping beauty is awake,″ Erin grinned at him.

″More like the living exhaustion is awake,″ he chuckled and brought himself closer to his two girls, stroking over his daughter's tiny feet that were covered in thick socks.

″Don't you dare to complain, you slept for more than four hours,″ Erin noticed all dry and Jay's eyes widened by her words.

″Why do I feel like I've been hit by a truck anyway?″ he yawned.

″Because you maybe need more like 40 hours of sleep in a row?″ she laughed slightly, trying not disturb Emmy's nursing.

″Maybe we should consider letting Will kidnap her,″ Jay joked, smirking at her with eyes full of love. ″But just for two days or so. Per week,″ he added.

″Did you hear that Emmy? Daddy just simply wants to give you to your uncle so he can have his beauty sleep,″ Erin chuckled.

″I need to set priorities, right?″ he laughed and couldn't take his eyes away from his daughter once again. ″But jokes aside, no matter how stressful it is, I don't wanna spend a single night away from her for the next couple of years.″

″Is that so?″ Erin asked, turning her attention from her baby to her fiancé and raised her eyebrows. ″What about the honeymoon though?″

″Well, except for the one week we'll go to the Fiji Islands of course,″ he grinned.

″You still dream about Fiji?″

″I still dream about seeing you in a little hula skirt,″ he chuckled.

″And I can still tell you that this is not going to happen,″ she laughed and shook her head, turning her attention to Emilia again, who had just unlatched herself from her nipple. Erin adjusted her position in the bed so that she was now sitting against the back of the bed, and picked Emilia up.

″We'll see,″ he winked. ″But did you think about the possibility of going on honeymoon without her?″

″Naah, not really,″ Erin answered, softly patting Emmy's back to help her to burp. ″She's just four days old and at the moment I can't imagine leaving her with someone else, you know?″

″I have to admit, at the moment I can't imagine leaving her with someone else for a whole week either,″ he said.

″Let's decide this is a month, okay? Because honestly, at the moment our honeymoon is one of the last things on my mind,″ she answered and a loud yawn escaped from her lips. ″Plus, in a month we might be so desperate and sleep-deprived that we don't even have to think about it.″

″Sure, we still have time,″ Jay smiled while a burp came from Emilia's mouth.

″Good girl,″ Erin whispered and placed a kiss on the side of her head. ″So now it's bathing time with daddy.″

Since Erin was the one who could use breastfeeding for bonding a little more with their daughter, they had agreed that Jay was the one who would bathe her in the evenings and today would be her first bath at home. And since Emmy was born in the tub and seemed to enjoy bathing and the warm water a lot, they just've had the idea this morning that Jay could take a bath with her together in their big bathtub. So after filling the tub with warm water and baby bath foam, Jay lay down in the tub and Erin placed Emilia on his bare chest.

″Just take care that the water doesn't reach her head,″ Erin, who was sitting on the edge of the tub, said, running water over Emmy's back with her hands.

″I'll get it handled,″ Jay assured her and had to smile. Erin in full mommy-mode was the cutest thing to witness.

″I know you do, sorry,″ she smiled. ″You need anything else?″

″Maybe you can place a towel within reach, just in case I need one to cover her a little.″

Erin got up, took a towel out of the small closet and placed it on the edge.

″Well, have fun guys,″ Erin said and leaned down to kiss Jay. ″I'll go and cook something.″

″Don't burn the kitchen down...or the entire apartment,″ Jay chuckled and grinned at her all innocent. Although they were sleep-deprived beyond limits, their special banter was still fully awake.

″If you didn't have the baby on your chest right now I would punch you really bad Jay Halstead, just that you know,″ Erin winked and turned around to give Jay and Emilia their deserved alone-time.

″Your mommy is so violent sometimes, Emmy,″ he told his daughter with a laugh. ″But I'm sure it'll be eatable and not so bad because she's learned a lot already,″ he added, now grinning at Erin again.

″Was this a hidden compliment about my cooking skills?″

″Maybe,″ he smirked. ″I mean, I can't deny that they've improved.″

″Why thank you,″ she laughed, feeling her cheeks blush a little. ″But don't expect something glamorous today,″ she said and left her two favorites alone for real this time.

″Your mommy is the most adorable person in this world, Emmy,″ Jay whispered, always running water over her back with his hand so she wouldn't get cold. ″She tries so hard to be perfect and wants to make all things right but she doesn't realize that she already is perfect. I mean, of course she has her imperfections, just like me, just like everyone, but for me she couldn't be any more perfect,″ he said. He looked down to his daughter and she yawned. It was the cutest thing to watch how she grimaced.

″Well, I guess you don't want to hear me talking about how much I love your mommy, huh?″ he chuckled. ″How about I talk about how much I love you and how perfect you are? Would that be better?″

He sat up a little and picked his daughter up from his chest to hold her in front of him, her head resting in his palms and the rest of her tiny body on his arms in the water. She looked at him with her awake, big blue eyes as if she was waiting for him to continue talking.

″How did I get blessed with so much perfection?″ Jay whispered fascinated. ″Do you know how beautiful you are baby girl? I'm afraid I'll have to lock you in your room when you're older because there will be lots of boys who want to date you but daddy doesn't want to have them near you,″ he chuckled. ″So I guess I'm just warning you now already because you can't disagree and have to accept it.″

He leaned forward and placed a kiss on Emmy's forehead. ″Maybe sometimes it won't be easy to be your daddy but always remember that I love you, Emmy, and that I'll always be there for you,″ he said quietly and kissed her mellow cheek before they continued their staring contest for a little while longer, before he lay back against the wall of the tub again with Emmy resting on his chest again, enjoying every single second of this new life. It was stressful and exhausting but all these calm moments full of love absolutely made up for it and he couldn't imagine a life without this little person anymore.

XxXxXxXxXxXxX

After finishing their bath, Jay carried Emilia to her room, lotioned her skin with baby lotion and made her ready for the night, dressing her in a Blackhawks stretchie they'd of course gotten from Kevin, Adam and Mouse, in addition to the Cubs and the Bears and the Bulls stretchies and onesies and even socks. She had to cheer for the right teams from the very beginning after all. This had been their friends's explanation why they'd overflowed them with all the stuff of the Chicago teams. And Jay had to admit, she looked way too cute in her red Blackhawks stretchie or the dark blue Bears stretchie she'd worn the night before. After closing all the buttons, he swaddled her in her blanket and brought her to the bedroom to put her into her bassinet, her eyes already being heavy and sleep only seemed seconds away. He waited until they fell shut, changed the towel that was wrapped around his waist against some boxers, sweatpants and a shirt and then joined Erin in the living room.

″Dinner's ready in a sec,″ she said and watched him throwing himself onto the couch with a deep sigh escaping from his lips.

″What did you cook?″ he asked, another yawn escaping from his mouth as he propped his feet up on the coffee table.

″Mac and cheese,″ she answered, walked to the couch, handed him one of the full plates and a fork and sat down next to him, also propped her feet up on the table. ″I know I should really start to cook healthier with more vegetables and vitamins and all that stuff but I simply wasn't keen on washing, peeling and cutting vegetables. But at least the sauce is homemade,″ she sighed.

″Hey babe, I'm totally okay with mac and cheese,″ Jay said and gave her an encouraging smile. He was amazed that she'd decided to rather cook something herself than simply order something anyway and he got the feeling that the days of ordering food for five days in a row were over.

″Yeah...I mean...it's delicious but I don't wanna eat that much junk food and takeout anymore,″ she said while she started to eat her dish, confirming exactly the thoughts that he had in his mind right now.

″It's the easiest thing at the moment. None of us has time to spend two hours with cooking,″ he shrugged.

″I know,″ Erin sighed. ″But breastfeeding Emmy means she basically eats the same things that I eat. And I really want her to get healthy things as often as possible. So we'll use more vegetables and fruits and rice and lettuce in the future,″ she added, a glimmer of determination in her eyes.

″Alright,″ Jay smirked. ″I'm sure we'll get lots of vegetables tomorrow at Hank's though.″

″Yeah, most probably,″ she laughed.

Hank had invited them for lunch on Sunday and of course they had agreed. Hank's homemade food was always to die for and they couldn't hide in their little nest forever, needed to get out of their apartment anyway and make some steps back into civilization so this was the perfect occasion to do so. Furthermore they wanted to stroll along the River Walk or the Lake Front Trail in the morning as the freezing cold was gone for now and as all the snow from the day before Emmy was born was finally melting so that it wasn't a problem to use the stroller outside.

They enjoyed the rest of their dinner in silence and no baby cries interrupted them this time, which was a rare thing. After placing their plates on the coffee table in front of them, Erin curled into Jay's side, her head resting on his chest while she listened to the beating of his heart, her fingers tracing soft circles and other patterns onto his shirt. He wrapped his arm around her to pull her even closer to his body and before they would fall asleep in the dimmed light of the living room, he turned the TV on, the sports channel to be precise, just as always.

″You smell of baby bath foam,″ Erin mumbled, nuzzling her nose onto his shirt.

″Yeah, guess that's my new cologne. You like it?″ he laughed.

″Oh yes, so sexy,″ she murmured and chuckled slightly. ″Reminds me that I still have to take a shower as long as our little monster is peacefully sleeping.″

″Don't let me stop you,″ he said and and had to grin as he looked down to her. She had her eyes closed and she didn't seem exactly eager to get up now, seemed more like to doze off any second.

″Just five more minutes,″ she yawned.

″Alright,″ Jay grinned and kissed her hair, his hand always stroking up and down her back. ″Shall I wake you up in five minutes in case you fall asleep?″ he joked.

″Maybe,″ she mumbled, being half asleep already, and this was the last word that escaped from her lips before her breathing changed into that kind of deep breathing that people only had when they were sleeping. Jay turned the volume of the TV down a bit and let Erin sleep for the next hour. She needed it, more than a shower for sure, so using all the time she got to squeeze in a quick nap wasn't the worst thing to do.

Brushing a strand of her quite messy looking hair out of her face and kissing her cheek gently he woke her up in the most tender way possible.

″You still want to take that shower?″ he whispered when her eyes slowly fluttered open. ″Otherwise just keep on sleeping.″

″How long was I out?″ she asked but still couldn't motivate herself to change her position. Snuggling into Jay like this was simply the best and most comfortable thing in the world. At least for her. For him maybe not so much.

″Little more than an hour.″

″Ouh awesome, then she'll most likely wake up and be hungry within the next thirty minutes anyway,″ Erin sighed. ″So I guess no shower for me today.″

″Er, just go and take your well-deserved shower, I'll get it handled,″ Jay said.

″Apart from the fact that you can't give her what she wants,″ Erin chuckled. ″Because you know, could get difficult without the boobs.″

″Oh, really? I didn't know that and thought I should maybe simply try it,″ he teased, a dorky smirk covering his face, earning a head-shaking from her in response. ″No seriously, I'll entertain her until you're done.″

″Okay, I try to make it quick,″ she answered and got out of his embrace to shuffle into the bedroom to grab some clothes before disappearing in the bathroom.

It haven't even been five minutes since the water's started running in the bathroom when Jay heard the familar, quiet mewling from the bedroom. He got up from the couch rather quick before it would turn into loud cries that would make Erin abort her shower immediately.

″What's up princess?″ Jay asked as he leaned over the bassinet to pick his daughter up. He pressed her against his chest softly, rubbed her small back with his hand and rocked her gently by teetering from one foot to the other. Surprisingly she started to calm down instantly instead of crying even louder.

″Seems like being hungry wasn't your problem, huh?″ Jay asked her with a soothing voice. ″I guess this was more of an attention problem, right? But daddy's got you and now everything is fine baby girl,″ he added and grabbed her cozy blanket before he sat down on the edge of the bed with her. He turned the faint light of the bedside lamp on, rearranged his pillows and then lay down, Emilia resting on his chest respectively stomach, covered with her blanket. The moment his head hit the deep, soft cushions, all the tiredness hit him even more.

″How's that Emmy? Is this good?″ he asked but the fact that she was all calm confirmed him that she was satisfied. At least for now. He kept on rubbing her back for a little while longer, talked with her, but his eyelids got heavier and heavier in the faint light of the bedroom and at some point he allowed himself to close them for just a second.

XxXxXxXxXxXxX

After brushing her teeth, blow-drying her hair and slipping into her comfy pajamas Erin felt a whole lot better than before, felt more like a human again than a zombie. She tossed her clothes, which she had just plunked down on the floor earlier, into the laundry hamper only to realize that it was already overflowing with dirty clothes. Since having a baby the amount of laundry has doubled and they urgently needed to wash. But their whole apartment was a bit messy at the moment as they didn't get anything done and preferred to use Emmy's naptime to sleep or just relax, too. Thankfully they had a dishwasher, otherwise all the dirty dishes would pile up in the kitchen, too.

″Tomorrow,″ Erin sighed and tucked the clothes into it, leaving the cover open. She shuffled back into the bedroom, ready to hit the cushions, but what she saw once she walked into the room melted her heart in various ways. Jay was lying on his side of the bed, snoring quietly, and Emilia was sleeping on his chest while his hand covered her back protectively. Both of their mouths were slightly agape and they both looked so peaceful, it was beyond adorable. Erin tiptoed through the room and sat down on her side of the bed, tucked her knees to her body so she could rest her head on them and just watched Jay and Emilia sleeping for a while. She loved these two so much, it was unreal and every time she looked at them she had to smile. It was that kind of love words could not express, that kind of love that was indescribable. No matter how chaotic their life was right now, she loved every single bit of it and wouldn't change it for a thing. This wasn't the life she'd always thought she wanted but it was without a doubt exactly what she needed. And now, seeing this perfect little human and having her in their life, she couldn't imagine anymore that there had been a time when she didn't want this, when she didn't want to have her baby, when she was so damn close to end her baby's life. A lump built up in her throat and tears formed in her eyes by these thoughts. She tried to blink them away but there was no chance and they started to stream down her face like a river. Unstoppable.

The sound of a sob right next to him let Jay wake up and his heart dropped to his knees by the inevitable thought that something bad has happened. He turned his head to Erin's side of the bed but only saw her getting up.

″Erin?″ he asked quietly and sat up.

″Keep on sleeping,″ she said with another sob escaping from her mouth and she didn't dare to look at him.

″Babe what's going on?″ he asked and his voice was clearly worried.

″Nothing,″ she shrugged.

″No, no, no, not this again,″ Jay said and placed Emilia on the sheets in front of him before reaching for Erin's hand and pulling her back down to the bed. She didn't even try to resist, her hand and arm felt limp. He leaned back against the cushions and without asking her anything else he pulled her into his embrace, holding her as tight as possible. She buried her face in his chest and kept on sobbing. Jay had absolutely no idea what was going on and he was beyond worried. Finding his fiancée crying heavily wasn't the nicest thing to wake up to, especially since there had been absolutely no indications that she was unhappy or depressed. The first thought that came into his mind was postpartum depression. He'd read about it in one of the various pregnancy books he'd studied in the months leading to Emilia's birth. But ever since they'd brought Emmy home Erin seemed to be happier than ever, so all of this didn't fit together.

Jay decided to wait for her until she was ready to tell him what was going on and let her cry as long as she needed to. He stroked her cheek and her hair with his thumb and whispered that everything was okay and that he was there for her. It took a while but eventually the sobs faded and she started to calm down.

″I'm sorry for waking you up,″ she mumbled into his shirt with a cracky voice.

″It's okay,″ he whispered, kissing her hair gently. ″What happened, Er?″

He heard and felt how she took a deep breath and then lifted her head and got out of his embrace, glancing at Emilia who slept further down on the bed.

″I don't know,″ she shrugged. ″These bloody hormones still have a way too big influence on me I guess.″

This wasn't the answer Jay was waiting for and he knew that she knew it. So he waited for her to continue, gave her more of the time she obviously needed. The room fell into silence and while Jay scanned her sternly, Erin kept on staring at Emilia and tears started to fall from her eyes again. Although he got more and more worried he still didn't push her to talk to him. He just squeezed her hand that was intertwined with his to show her that he was there and that he was going to wait patiently until she was ready and could share her thoughts with him, could talk it all off her chest.

″I can't believe I didn't want her,″ she sobbed with a voice that was barely a whisper, finally speaking out loud what was going on inside of her at the moment. ″I can't believe I didn't want her,″ she repeated her words as more tears fell from her eyes. She inhaled a deep breath of air as she tried to calm herself down, swallowed the lump in her throat.

″When I came into the room and saw the two of you my heart melted in five million different ways and I couldn't do anything but staring at you. And then it hit me with full force that I almost killed her in the beginning of my pregnancy, that I didn't want her,″ she managed to say and stopped again to take another breath of air. ″Apart from you this is the best thing that has ever happened to me and I was so close to make the biggest mistake of my life. So close Jay,″ she said and showed him the small margin with two of her fingers. ″And now I can't stop thinking that I almost killed her and that we would never have known her then,″ she said and her voice got crackier again.

″Erin you were scared and overstrained,″ Jay said quietly and pulled her into his embrace again.

″Yeah, but I had no reason and no right to do it. It wasn't like when I was fifteen, where I had no real choice and where it was for the better for the baby not to be born into my fucked up life. This time I was an adult in a stable relationship and still I considered killig her. It's no excuse that just because I couldn't deal with it and was overstrained and scared and whatever else I almost decided to rather kill her than have her. My own child Jay,″ she sobbed.

″But you didn't,″ he mumbled into her hair, trying to say anything that would help her to feel at least a little better. He has always wondered whether this topic would come up again, whether it would catch her again that her first intention had been to abort their baby. ″That's all that matters. You didn't do it. You decided for our family because from the moment you heard her heartbeat and saw her on the screen for the first time you loved her although you might didn't realize it back then. And she's here now with us, all happy and healthy because of you. You are a rockstar, Er. Nine months long she grew inside of you into this perfect, adorable, little human and you protected her and then delivered her into this world safe and sound. That's what matters and that's something you can be proud of. You did an incredible job. You still do,″ he said emphatically. Erin didn't answer immediately, seemed to let his words sink in, but when she did her voice was surprisingly clear.

″It was not just seeing her on the screen and hearing her heart beating. The words you said back then, that you want us to be a family and that we will make it work and that you will be there had really had a big impact on me,″ she said and got out of his embrace again so that she was able to look at him. ″So thank you Jay. For the things you said back then, for the things you said within the last couple of months, for the things you said today. Without you I'd be lost in so many ways,″ she whispered and closed the gap between their faces to place a soft, thankful kiss on his lips.

″I love you,″ she said after the kiss, a faint smile returning to her face. ″I love you so much. Thank you for being you, for being the way you are. For being so amazing and perfect. And well, thank you for knocking me up I guess,″ she grinned and chuckled slightly, wiped the last tears away with her hand.

″You're welcome,″ Jay laughed and leaned in again to kiss her. ″Thank you for everything, Er. This is a dream coming true. That kind of dream I never even dared to hope that it would come true one day. You and Emmy are my life. And I love you. You can't even imagine how much I love you,″ he smirked and just when he wanted to kiss her again, Emilia's loud crying interrupted them.

″I've been waiting for this to happen,″ Erin chuckled, crawled to the end of the bed and picked her up. ″Guess you're hungry little lady, huh?″

″I swear if she's doing this once we'll get back to play scrabble, I'll be mad,″ Jay laughed while Erin leaned against the back of the bed and the pillows, lifted the shirt of her pajama and settled Emilia against her breast. Just as always she latched onto her nipple immediately and started nursing.

″Chances are high that this is going to happen,″ she grinned.

″Uh-huh,″ he nodded, embracing Emmy's tiny foot with his hand. ″You're such a good eater, little lady.″

″I wonder where this comes from,″ Erin laughed, giving him an all innocent smile.

″I have no clue,″ he smirked.

″This is definitely a Halstead-thing. But seriously, she makes it pretty easy for me because she knows exactly what she wants.″

″I wonder where this comes from,″ Jay repeated her words and now he was the one with the innocent and winning smirk on his lips as he meant of course that she had this from Erin.

″Well, given the fact that she goes straight for the boobs this question is not so hard to answer,″ Erin grinned teasingly, just as always making sure that she was winning this little verbal fight.

XxXxXxXxXxXxX

It felt like they have only been sleeping for five minutes since Emilia's eyes fell shut last when her crying ended the peaceful silence in the bedroom later that night.

″Really?″ Erin yawned and pulled the pillow over her head while Jay turned around to his bedside table and checked the clock. It was 1.07am.

″She slept for almost two hours,″ he noticed.

″Did she? Feels more like five minutes to me,″ she sighed and pulled her tired body up.

″Stay. I'll get her,″ Jay said as he was already unwrapping himself from the sheets. He got up and padded to the bassinet, picked the screaming bundle of life up into his arms.

″Is she hungry?″ Erin asked.

″Nope, smells more like a diaper problem,″ Jay chuckled. ″So let's solve this problem Emmy, what do you say?″ he soothed and left Erin alone in the bedroom.

While Erin's eyes fell shut again within minutes, Jay and Emmy stayed in the nursery after changing her diaper as she was a little unsettled and he wanted Erin to catch a little more sleep as long as Emilia was not hungry. He grabbed the 'Eeyore' that has found its spot in the crib and sat down in the rocking chair, Emilia staring at him with awake eyes, sometimes kicking with her little arms.

″Look Emmy, this is Eeyore,″ Jay said and showed her the quite big stuffy, almost as big as Emmy herself. Of course he knew that she wasn't able to discern this yet, wasn't able to grab for it either but he'd read in a baby book that it was a good thing to show babies toys from the very beginning.

″You got him from grandpa Hank,″ he continued and instead of Jay, Emilia now stared at the stuffy. ″I think he's cute. I mean, not your grandpa, but Eeyore,″ he laughed.

″I know he looks a little sad with his big eyes and his floppy ears but he also smiles a little, don't you think?″ he asked and eyed the stuffy's mouth. ″Yeah, I'd say that's definitely a little smile,″ he added and had to grin by the thought what he was doing here. Analyzing a stuffy and its facial features and telling his daughter about it who could neither answer him nor understand him. But it seemed like she listened to him attentively and was all calm for now.

″He's so sad because he always loses his tail,″ he said and only now he saw the Velcro that connected the tail with the butt. They really thought about everything these days when it came to producing toys.

″You wanna hear a little more about Eeyore and Winnie the Pooh? I'm not sure whether I remember much but I can for sure try because it was one of my favorite stories and my mom had to read me stories every evening,″ he smiled and started to tell Emilia the bits and pieces he remembered from his childhood, from the stories of Winnie the Pooh his mother had told him when he was a child.

XxXxXxXxXxXxX

Erin's eyes darted open after she'd reached for Jay in her sleep but her hands had grabbed for nothing, had only felt the matress and the sheets. His side of the bed was still abandoned, empty and cold. Checking the time on her alarm clock she realized that it was after 2am. She got up and padded to the nursery, wanted to make sure that everything was alright.

″Hey,″ Jay smiled when he saw her walking into the room.

″Hey,″ she said and walked behind him, looked over his shoulder into their sleeping daughter's angelic face. ″Is everything alright?″

″Yeah, she was just a little unsettled, so I decided to stay here and let you sleep. She fell asleep a couple of minutes ago after I told her stories about Winnie the Pooh for almost an hour,″ he smirked, turning his head to her.

″She's so spoiled,″ Erin chuckled, massaging his shoulders with her hands.

″Maybe,″ Jay grinned and turned his glance to Emilia again. The room fell into a moment of silence as Jay enjoyed the massage Erin was giving him and he felt so at peace with himself and with his life like never before. Telling Emilia stories about his favorite children's book and therefore remembering one of the few positive childhood memories he had, had made him realize that there was one thing he needed and wanted to do now. One thing he's avoided to do if possible in the last couple of years because he'd never felt ready for it, because it had hurt too much for him to take it.

″Erin?″ he mumbled while he kept his eyes closed.

″Huh?″ she asked and response, feeling how his shoulders and probably his whole body tightened. Whatever he was going to tell her, she knew in this moment it wasn't something that came easy for him.

″About tomorrow...in between taking a stroll and visiting Hank...could we...uhm...could we maybe go to my mom's grave?″ The question came shy and Erin heard the pain in his voice. His mother and her death and that she died thinking he was dead was still the one thing in his life he couldn't deal with too well. The one big demon he was still fighting against hardly and maybe forever would. The one topic that made him the most vulnerable because he was so sensitive about it.

″Of course we can Jay,″ she said and leaned over the backrest of the rocking chair to place a kiss on his hair.

″I haven't been there in a while because...I don't know...,″ he stammered. ″Whenever I'm there I have the feeling the pain and the guilt is ripping me apart,″ he choked. His voice was barely a whisper and the broken and hurt tone of it also broke Erin's heart into pieces. ″But now I somehow want to go there to introduce Emmy, you know? It's maybe stupid because you can't introduce someone to a dead person but...-″

″Hey Jay,″ she interrupted him and got down on her knees next to him so she was able to see his face. ″It's not stupid at all,″ she whispered and embraced his arm supportingly, stroked his skin with her thumb.

″Thank you,″ he said and managed to smile faintly at her.

″You're welcome,″ she smiled. ″How about we try for another round of sleep?″

″I guess she'll be hungry within the next hour.″

″At this point an hour is better than nothing,″ she winked.

″Alright, it's worth a try,″ he answered and got up.

They put Emilia into her bassinet and both kissed her forehead before they literally fell into their bed, all cuddled up to each other because this was all they needed right now. These sleepless nights were hard, especially this night as they've had to deal with so many emotions. But these sleepless nights, this one in particular, also showed that they were stronger together, that they were still growing stronger together with every day passing or in this case, with every night they spent awake, taking care of their daughter. Showed the special bond they shared. That special bond of pure trust, of always understanding each other, of always supporting each other, of always listening to each other, to the unspoken and the vocalized words. Of always being there for each other. No matter what...

Thanks for reading, I hope you liked it! :) Please leave a review and tell me what you think! :)