53. Love Is Just A Word

Thank y'all for your kind words! I have to admit, this is one of the chapters I really like myself (doesn't happen often that I'm completely satisfied with my work), so I hope you enjoy it! :)

I hope you like this one :)

53. Love Is Just A Word...

Hank looked at the white envelope in his hands, his name written on front in golden letters in Erin's neat handwriting, a little sticker of two intertwined wedding bands on the left side of his name. While he'd always wondered during the last few months when Erin and Jay would dispatch their wedding invitations and finally do the job properly it was only now, when he held the envelope in his hands, that it became real. His little girl would marry, would commit to a man for the rest of her life. It wasn't like that he wasn't happy for her, because of course he was and Jay Halstead was for sure the most perfect son-in-law he could've wished for, although it had taken him a while to accept that. He was a man who robbed the stars from heaven for her, who took the weight from her shoulders and carried it himself like it was his own, a man who had the unique ability to make her as happy as he'd always wished to see her one day. But he still had to let his girl go in some way.

The girl he'd protected from the day he'd met her for the first time when she'd been 14 years old, looking like a picture of a misery, tiny, with a faked smile and too much make-up, her long brown hair being all scruffy, her eyes, that reflected sheer indifference, looking so much older because of what they'd seen already, but her body still looking like the one of a child though at the same time also already having witnessed more than any body should ever witness in a lifetime.

She'd always played tough and strong and feisty, had always told him that she was fine when it was more than clear that she wasn't, had always told him she could deal with everything life threw at her on her own, that this was her burden. But he'd seen the look behind her eyes, this raw vulnerability she never showed anyone other than maybe her teddybear at night in case she got to spend the night at the place one couldn't really call home but was in any way better than the streets of Chicago or the bed of some guy or the house of a drugdealer friend where she tended to sleep from time to time as well.

And although she hadn't wanted it at first, it became his burden to protect her, to keep her out of lock-up, to save her from her mother's abusive boyfriend. And as she hadn't felt well with getting all these benefits of a cop for free, pretty soon, as in after the second time he'd helped her to get out of the 21st without being charged for theft of food, she'd become his CI, a damn good one, of course also taking the money he'd offered her for a good tip. He'd somehow hoped that she wouldn't buy booze and drugs with it or that it would at least keep her out of some stranger's bed. And indeed, she'd used his money to get food on the table for herself and her little brother but unfortunately it hadn't stopped her from earning money in a different way, one he didn't like at all, hadn't stopped her from spending time with the wrong crowds, like Charlie Pugliese, hadn't stopped her from selling and taking drugs and drinking alcohol so she could stand the things she had to do, so she could forget and ignore the sad and triste life that she lived for a minute when she was in booze- and drug-wonderland.

It had been during a drive home to her mother's abandoned place, after he'd once again solved her troubles with police officers who'd busted her for possesion of marihuana, when she'd opened up to him for the very first time, when she'd told him about her life and her dreams, two things that were as far apart as the Earth from the Moon. This had been the evening when he'd seen something in her that probably no one else had before, when he'd seen something that was worth fighting for, no matter how hard it would get. Because she was not only smart, way too smart for the life she lived, she also had a huge heart, going beyond her own limits just to keep her little brother safe and provide him a childhood he deserved, one she hadn't had herself. A heart that was still golden even after all the shit she's been through in her life already. A heart beating in the chest of a girl that deserved the world but was caught in the most miserable life one could imagine. And the worst had been, instead of believing in her dreams, she'd accepted her fate, had accepted that she would most probably end up as a dancer in some strip club or as some whore in a brothel and would one day, maybe even in the near future, die with a needle in her arm because this was the life she'd been born into. This prosaic acceptance, this pure halfheartedness that it made no difference whether she was dead or alive in her opinion because no one cared, this giving up on her dreams because she thought a girl like her would never be able to escape this life of addiction and violence, had been what preyed on Hank's mind most and had him wanting him to help her out even more.

But Erin Lindsay and accepting help have always been two different sides of the coin and so it hadn't been surprising that she'd always shrugged any attempt of him providing her a better life off. Hank however had promised himself to not give up on her that easy, kept on being the man who was there when she needed him, trust building up slowly inside of the girl who wasn't used to trust anyone, not even herself.

And around one-and-a-half years after their first encounter, when her little brother had already been with DCFS, all these little steps had all paid off in the night he got a call from the hospital, that they had found his card in the pocket of a young girl with an overdose, when he'd rushed there to be by her sight, being scared that it was too late already. That night she'd finally accepted that she needed to change her life in case she didn't want to die before she was 20, she'd finally wanted to change her life for the better because she'd escaped death by an inch and had realized she wanted to live, really live, and she'd finally trusted him enough to agree on his suggestion to move in with his wife and his son so she could get a better life, one she deserved. And no matter how hard it had been in the beginning, how often there had been yelling and tears and lectures about rules and doors being slammed, they'd raised her as her own from this day onward. And slowly, her walls and her protective shield had started to fall down, when she'd stopped fighting against the feeling that she didn't deserve a family and that no family should have the burden to handle someone like her, when she'd realized they wouldn't give up on her no matter what and so she somewhen had been able to show them her feelings and gratitude and they'd gotten a daughter in return.

Hank shut his eyes for a moment when all these memories flooded his mind, making him even more emotional than he already was. He knew she didn't need his protection anymore, hasn't needed it for a while already because she'd found herself another protector a while ago, but nonetheless he would forever want to protect her, because sometimes, when he looked at her, he still saw the 14 or 15-year-old version right in front of his eyes.

He took a deep breath, swiped his thumb over the intertwined wedding rings before he slowly opened the envelope and pulled the card out. The moment he saw the picture that was glued on front of the card, he knew why he'd allowed another man to marry his girl at all. He had no idea where they'd taken it but it was perfect in any regard. It seemed like they were at some lake because there were reed and water in the background. The sun was low and the light was perfect, Jay was giving Erin a piggyback ride, her brown waves falling onto her shoulder, her head resting against his cheek, her hands intertwined in front of his chest and they both smiled brightly, though not looking into the camera but somewhere into the direction of the ground. Both of them were wearing casual clothes, Erin a white top and blue plaid flannel, the buttons open, along with black jeans, Jay wearing dark jeans as well plus a light grey henley, the sleeves rolled up to his elbows. It looked light the most perfect snapshot in history and what shined out was the true happiness that reflected from their faces. Below the picture, a quote was written in golden cursive that was just as perfectly chosen and suited them so damn well:

I love you, not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you. I love you, not only for what you have made of yourself but for what you are making of me.

After glancing at the photo and the quote for too long, he flipped the card open. On the left side was a collage of three smaller pictures of Erin and Jay, one of them also with Emilia. His eyes roamed the photos for a moment before they fell on the golden cursive on the right side.

Love is just a word until someone comes along and gives it meaning.

~ Erin Lindsay ~

and

~ Jay Halstead ~

invite you to share in their joy

at the celebration of their marriage

Saturday, the 29th of July 2017

at five o' clock in the afternoon

at Lake Geneva.

Reception and dance to follow.

Hank flipped the card shut to check the accurate adress of their wedding location which was written on the lower end of the backside. Lake Geneva it was. Lake Geneva was the place he would walk his daughter down the aisle and give her to Jay Halstead so they could tie the knot. Lake Geneva was the place she would turn from Erin Lindsay to Erin Halstead, a married woman, the wife of Jay Halstead, who was one of the best young detectives CPD has had in a long time, one man that could and would go places someday because of his incredible attitudes and talents.

Even after seeing the invitation with the beautiful pictures of his undeniably happy daughter his heart felt heavy because he had to let go. But randomly, at the same time, his heart was as happy as seldom before, swelling in his chest with pride, because Erin being able to commit to a man for the rest of her life showed him that he and Camille had done a proper job with her from the day they'd ended her life as a streetkid and had taken her in. All they'd ever wanted for her was being happy and if it took Jay Halstead for her to be her happiest self, then he accepted it, even appreciated it because this guy was a raw diamond and would do everything to keep Erin happy for as long as they lived.

XxXxXxXxXxXxX

″Where is my little monkey?″ Jay smirked approaching Emilia, who lay on her mat in the living room, after returning from work on a Tuesday evening by the end of April. Tuesday was the day Erin usually stayed at home all day just like Thursday as her mornings in the bullpen so far were Monday, Wednesday and Friday, always working the desk from 8am to 2pm, Emilia still being with her and sleeping in the break room for as long as Erin needed to adjust to going back to work, until she was ready to leave her with someone else for two-and-a-half to three days a week. From the following week on, Emilia would stay with Ms Lewis, who had overjoyed agreed on their request whether she wanted to take care of Emilia, for one to two mornings a week and from there on they would slowly increase the time Emilia spent with her so Erin could do all the busts again as well and not only working the desk because she had to admit, all this paperwork slowly but steady bored her to death and she longed for some real action, for holding her gun again and for chasing some suspects through the streets of the city with the 300.

At the moment, they had the plan that Erin would work a regular day fridays at some point in the future, and Jay would leave the district earlier to spend the afternoon and evening with Emilia, while she would only work from 8am to 2 or 3pm on three other days, having the afternoons off and having one day per week she didn't have to go to work at all. Plus no weekends for her either. How all of this would be implemented and would work remained to be seen though.

″Hey princess, how's it going?″ Jay asked and sat down on the floor next to her, Emilia offering him a big smile. ″And where's mommy, huh?″ he asked and tickled her stomach.

″Mommy's here,″ he heard the voice of his fiancée. He turned his head to her and saw her walking into the living room, carrying a basket full of dirty laundry on her hip.

″Uh, my favorite housewife,″ Jay sassed, throwing her a cocky wink and roaming her body with his eyes. She looked absolutely fabulous and way too good in her yoga pants and the tight Cubs shirt, her hair tied up in a loose bun, some dirty blonde strands falling into her face.

″I still don't like this word,″ she grimaced, placed the basket on the couch and sat down right next to him on the floor.

″But I do,″ Jay murmured and pecked her lips. ″And Emmy does too, just look at her,″ he grinned, motioning his head to his daughter who was kicking her feet joyfully and was still smiling so bright, Jay wondered when she would start to cry because her face hurt so much.

″Yeah, this munchkin has way too much energy today,″ Erin chuckled and embraced Emmy's tiny hand with her own. ″Right little lady? We should tell daddy that he can't leave you on the changing table unattended anymore because you're able to roll over all by yourself now.″

″She rolled over all by herself already?″ he asked, his eyes widening, pure pride and excitement resounding from his voice. He knew babies could roll over at that age already but it was still early.

″I didn't see it but apparently, yeah. She was on her mat, just like right now, and I went to the bathroom for a minute and when I came back she lay on her tummy instead of her back,″ she explained.

″Rolling over, sleeping through the night, she'll sleep in her room as from next week. She's growing up. And I don't like it. I mean I like it...but I don't,″ he laughed slightly. Their daughter was way too agile for her age already.

″Me neither,″ Erin sighed. ″Though the sleeping through the night thing is awesome,″ she chuckled. A week ago Emilia had slept through the night for the first time and Erin had woken up in the middle of the night around 3am because she was used to get her sleep interrupted at least twice a night and in the first moment she'd totally panicked because Emilia hadn't cried all night. Jumping out of her bed in panic to check on her, she'd found her sleeping all peaceful in her bassinet but had checked on her breathing nonetheless just to make sure that everything was alright. Since then, she'd slept through the night one more time from 7pm in the evening to 6.30am in the morning and the other times she'd waken up once only and had drifted back to sleep while nursing. It was safe to say that Emilia was quite an easy and uncomplicated baby. They were blessed in so many ways.

″And the sleeping in her own room shouldn't turn out too bad either,″ he murmured into her ear, his voice so low, it sent butterflies off in her stomach, heat crawling up inside of her.

″I guess this will bring us some...advantages,″ she said huskily, the sexual tension between them glistering in the air they inhaled.

″Exactly,″ Jay nodded. ″Not the worst thing to have our bedroom for ourselves again. Although, you know, it wasn't bad in the other places either,″ he added, throwing her a flirtatious wink.

″Uh-huh,″ Erin chuckled, maybe getting a little too excited that they soon could play scrabble in their huge bed again because...it's been a while.

″So, is tonight date night or not?″ he almost whispered into her ear, changing the topic from their current dirty talk, and pecked some kisses along her jaw. Once a week they actually wanted to have an evening just for themselves, like they'd agreed on a couple weeks back. In case Jay didn't have to work and they could actually have a date night. Last week they'd had their first since agreeing on trying to have one special evening a week and they'd gone playing squash, this week they wanted to go out for dinner and attend a dancing class that should prepare them for the wedding waltz as they'd quite the desire to impress their friends and family on their special day.

They didn't have a regular day because the criminals in the city didn't care about their date night so it was possible that Jay had to work all-nighters to bust some gangbangers or drug dealers and they had to be spontaneous when it came to the evening they wanted to enjoy as a couple once a week. Which was quite a struggle because Erin still went to the zumba class on Monday and Thursday evening and Jay was trying to work out at the gym as well whenever he could leave the bullpen at a decent time, so they only had five or less possible evenings that they could use and when Jay called her in the early afternoon, telling her things looked good as they were about to wrap a case or were only fighting with paperwork, they still had to find a babysitter. Last week, Ms Lewis, or Carol, how they now called her, had watched Emilia for the first time and today, their daughter would spend the evening with her grandfather.

″Hank's coming over in an hour, so date night it is,″ she grinned. ″Didn't he tell you in the pen?″

″Nope,″ he answered and shook his head. ″He was out catching up with some CI's and left us with the mountains of paperwork.″

″Yeah, that sounds like Hank,″ Erin laughed, brushed her lips against the ones of her fiancé again.

″This case left us quite an aftermath of bureaucratic bullshit. But no worries, we still left you some for tomorrow,″ he winked cheekily.

″Why thank you. You guys are simply the best,″ she chuckled somehow sardonically before she got up from the floor to finish the laundry and make herself ready for the date night with her soon-to-be-husband.

″So bug, what are we up to now?″ he asked Emilia, embracing her feet with his hands and making silly faces, displaying his inner child. ″Will you show daddy that rolling-over-trick?″

He picked her up, pressed a short kiss against her cheek and soaked the scent of baby bath foam in before he placed her back down on the mat, but on her tummy this time. Jay lay down next to her on his side, his head propped up on his hand so he could watch her and stroke her little back and her head with the strands of honey-blonde-brown hair with his other hand at the same time.

″Come on, Emmy, do it for your daddy,″ he encouraged her. But instead of trying to roll over, she started to show her dissatisfaction about her current position as her face transfered from happy to unhappy and little cries escaping from her mouth.

″Okay, okay, you're not in the mood, that's fine,″ Jay said, adjusted his position to pick her up, got up from the floor and lay down on the couch, his head resting against the armrest and a pillow, and let Emilia rest on his stomach and chest, his one hand covering her back protectively so she wouldn't fall down now that she didn't lay still anymore but rather moved all the time.

″Is that better, huh? Cuddling is a big hit, right?″ he asked when the cries stopped instantly and the almost 3-month-old instead lifted her head and looked at him with her light blue eyes. She even extended one of her arms and tried to reach his face and grab for his chin.

″I guess that's a yes,″ Jay chuckled and captured her hand to place a kiss against her sweet little fingers. ″I like it better, too.″

As if she wanted to agree, this adorable smile appeared on her face again and Jay's heart melted in various ways, knowing exactly that this smile would give him trouble one day.

XxXxXxXxXxXxX

″How did you like it?″ Jay asked Erin when they sat in their favorite Mexican restaurant after the dancing class, that kind of music playing in the background that made them feel like they were right in the middle of Mexico, while they were waiting for the best burritos in the city.

″I think it might have been a great idea to learn that kind of dance properly,″ she chuckled, thinking about how clumsy and robotic they'd been in the beginning of the class and how much better and smoother their movements had been in the end, after one-and-a-half hours of intense training, thinking about how this would have ended on the 29th of July without them practicing before. Catastrophe was quite the fitting word for it. ″And you?″ she asked him.

″Apart from that I stepped on your feet twelve million times?″ he laughed.

″Thirteen,″ Erin winked.

″Or that,″ he laughed once again. He'd never stepped on her feet before when they danced because their movement fit together perfectly, was unanimously, but doing certain steps in a certain order had been a whole different challenge for both of them. Though exactly because of their clumsiness they had had a blast at the dancing class, laughing more than any other couple that had attended the class as well. ″But I liked it. It was fun and I think one or two more classes and we'll be pro's.″

″Oh yeah, totally,″ Erin smirked. ″We'll at least be perfectly prepared for that one dance then, though I somehow wished the wedding waltz wouldn't be as boring but more like...I don't know, Dirty Dancing maybe?″

″You want to turn our wedding waltz into dirty dancing?! Naughty naughty,″ Jay grinned, raising his eyebrows playfully. Erin reached across the table and punched her fist against his upper arm in response, her cheeks blushing slightly.

″This is not what I meant,″ she exclaimed.

″Then what did you mean, Ms Lindsay?″ he teased her, this dorky grin still covering his features. God she loved his smile, no matter whether it was dorky or fond or faint or mischievous, because they all had one thing in common: they were beyond sexy and sent her heart racing every damn time.

″I just meant it as I said and not dirty in any regard, Mr. Halstead,″ she laughed. ″But waltz is simply kinda boring. Fact. Feels like being stuck in a movie about some royal house in Europe from eighteen-hundred-whatever. So it could be a little more modern, just that kind of more attractive dance, like in Dirty Dancing.″

″So you'd rather wanna be Baby with me being your Johnny, flying on my strong arms, telling me you carried a water melon and doing some hot and sexy moves while my hands roam your body?″

Find yourself a man who has as much knowledge about Dirty Dancing as about sports. Jackpot it is, Erin thought and chuckled slightly. ″It's really impressive how much you know about a film that still lets hearts of women and girls all over the world melt,″ she sassed.

″Er, you watch that damn film every freaking time it's on TV,″ Jay laughed. ″And I was forced to watch it with you at least three times during the last one-and-a-half years. So of course I know all the corny details.″

″And so do I know all the details about Star Wars and Lord Of The Rings because of you.″

″Ey, don't you say you didn't like them because I know you were hooked once I finally got you to watch them with actual attention,″ he winked.

″Yeah, they're not that bad,″ she smirked. Jay has really got her hooked on all his nerdy films about fantasy worlds and superpowers and by now she liked them as much as he did. ″But Dirty Dancing stays one of my favorites nonetheless,″ she said and her voice sounded kind of pensive. When she continued speaking Jay heard why.

″It was Camille's favorite film, you know?″ she asked, smiling sadly by the memories that obviously flooded through her mind right now.

″It was?″ Jay asked quietly and lay his hand on top of hers, stroking over her knuckles with his thumb.

″Uh-huh,″ she nodded. ″She loved that film and had it on video and when Hank and Justin were at the theater or at some Cubs or Hawks game we would make cinnamon popcorn and juice-fruit-cocktails as soon as they closed the door behind them and we would snuggle up on the couch and watch it. She knew all the dialogues by heart and somewhen I did, too. And afterwards we would dance in the living room and try to become as good as them but actually we just got up to nonsense. We laughed until our stomachs hurt too much. And when I watch it now, my mind still goes back to the time when we ate popcorn and said all the lines synchronic with the actors, when we giggled and laughed about our own craziness. It's a nice memory. One of the best,″ she said, her voice getting really low towards the end and gazed at their hands on the table. Nonetheless Jay saw the tears that were welling in her eyes and tightened the grip around her hand.

″This sounds amazing,″ Jay said just as quiet.

″It was,″ she nodded. ″It's something I'll always remember because it was such a mother-daughter thing I never thought I'd ever have. After we'd overcome our initial issues, suddenly there was someone who looked at me and took my hand and just simply said: I'm here. And I'll be your mother if you let me.″

″And you let her...,″ he said.

″It took a while, but yeah,″ she agreed. ″Because I didn't know that mothers could be gracious and loving and selfless. I thought every mother is like Bunny and I didn't allow myself to get my hopes up to a point where I would fall down so far in case it turned out to be another bubble. I was scared that one day I would wake up in my old life and it was all just a dream.″

As much as Jay loved it when Erin opened up to him and told him bits and pieces about her past, about her growing-up with the Voights, the only good part of her growing-up in fact, his heart ached and got heavy when he listened to the words that left her mouth and every time it made him realize through how much she's been already in her life. And also every time this realization hit him, his admiration for her strength and toughness even grew although it has reached unreal levels already.

″And sometimes, when I wake up at night and look at you, I can't help but wonder whether maybe it's really just the most beautiful dream someone can have,″ she said and lifted her head, offering him a faint smile.

″You don't know how many times in the last few years I've been wondering whether I'm dreaming,″ Jay smirked.

″Great minds think alike I guess,″ she smiled.

″They do,″ he nodded and squeezed her hand again right before the waitress brought them their burritos con carne with rice and salad so they could finally satisfy their growling and empty stomachs.

XxXxXxXxXxXxX

After sharing a dessert, churros with chocolate sauce, vanilla ice cream and fresh strawberries, they ended their date night with a stroll along the Riverwalk, enjoying downtown in the dark, the lights of the skyscrapers reflecting on the Chicago River.

″Kim's driving me nuts about buying a wedding dress,″ Erin said just when they walked underneath Michigan Avenue Bridge.

″Well, there's not that much time left anymore,″ Jay grinned, his heart skipping a beat in anticipation by the thought that in a little over three months she would be Mrs. Halstead.

″I know, but it can't be that hard to buy a dress,″ she said, sounding pretty confident and optimistic, in a not-a-big-deal-manner. Jay turned his head to her and eyed her for a second and of course Erin didn't miss his glance. ″Can it?″ she asked.

″I don't know but I wouldn't assume it's that easy,″ he shrugged. ″So I'd say it's a good thing that Kim's kicking your ass about it,″ he added smirkingly.

″I promised her we'll do it on one of the following weekends and she tried to talk me into doing it this weekend already because she said we're running out of time. So I explained her that we have to go back to Lake Geneva to choose flavors for our wedding cake and talk about some more details and she accepted that excuse.″

″I guess this was the only excuse she would accept,″ he chuckled, imagining how Kim would literally kill Erin if she postponed their wedding-dress-shopping-day any further.

″Most probably,″ she answered, already thinking about something else they've somehow avoided to talk about since they'd dispatched the wedding invitations a week ago. She chewed on her lips for a moment because this topic was one Jay hated to talk about. And she knew it. But still, she had to ask because she sensed he wouldn't start talking about it anytime soon, maybe hoping that she would simply forget about it as well. But she wouldn't and couldn't. Sometimes she wished she could simply turn all this empathy and loyalty she had for other people off like a light as it would save quite the trouble sometimes.

″Did you think about the one wedding invitation that is still lying in the drawer in the living room?″

Almost as expected, Jay stopped walking instantly, let go of her hand reflexively and within a second Erin had the feeling that the air between them was suddenly unbelieveably tense because all the joking, the teasing, the sass, the laughters had somehow disappeared in a heartbeat in the moment Erin had asked this question. Because the invitation she'd talked about was for the man who was his father. And naturally only mentioning him in any regard still brought back memories from the time when Jay hadn't been the kind of son his father wanted to have, from the time when he'd returned from war, Robert Halstead having left his fatally ill wife to die alone, no matter that things have gotten slightly better during the last few months. But ever since he'd saved his old man's life, he'd only talked to him once, which was when he'd told him about Emilia's birth. They'd never visited him in Michigan but Jay had occasionally asked his brother how he was doing and whether he was making any progress. But that has been it. And he'd never wanted to be involved any further in his recovery process. Only when they'd dispatched the invitations last week it came up again as they had some extant ones, so Erin had asked him whether he wanted to invite his father or not and he'd said he needed to think about it. Erin has construed it as a good sign that he hadn't declined it instantly, which he would've done a couple of months back.

″No, not really,″ Jay breathed out. ″But I don't think I want him to be there,″ he answered vaguely but he abstained from looking her in the eyes, instead focused on a boat that drove by and showed some tourists the city by night.

″I think it would make him happy,″ Erin said quietly. She didn't even know why she had so much empathy for Jay's old man. After everything he'd done to Jay in the past she should be disgusted by him. And she was in some way. But in some weird other way, she felt bad for him because she only knew him personally as the sick, old, lonely man who had nothing anymore other than his house and his eldest son who sometimes stopped by to spend time with him but was caught at his workplace too often.

″Erin,″ he said furiously and she slightly shuddered by the way he spoke out her name. ″This is going to be the happiest day of my life and I don't really care whether I can make him happy or not. Because this is not about him. It's about me. Us. And I don't know whether I can be as happy when he's around,″ he said and this bitterness he only had when it came to his father reflected from his face. The bitterness Erin had thought was gone by now.

″Okay,″ Erin nodded and scanned his features sternly for a moment and then decided that it was not okay. She still didn't want to push him into anything but she also didn't like to see him being this bitter. It didn't suit him. And it wasn't him.

″Jay, I know there aren't any feelings left for your dad other than anger and disappointment, but sometimes we have to stop judging people for what they did in the past and just look at them now and figure out what kind of person they've become. Maybe they're still the same. Maybe not. Sometimes it's not about forgiving someone what they did but for giving someone a new chance. You already made some little steps into his direction, like after Emilia's birth, and I never had the feeling you regretted them but instead had the feeling that the bitterness has slowly disappeared. So I just thought it would maybe be another step, a good thing,″ she said, also somehow explaining her reasoning why she'd brought his father as a possible guest for their wedding up at all when she knew how sensitive he was about everything regarding him.

″Believe me, it's not a good thing when he and Michael and Susan meet at our wedding. This is supposed to be a day of celebrating our love, not a family feud because of someone who hasn't even really belonged into this family ever,″ he said and tried to keep his voice low, hiding the bitterness in it. In this moment he made a decision for himself as speaking it out loud made him realize what he wanted.

″No Erin, all the people I want to celebrate with us have their invitations,″ he said, now really looking into her eyes for the first time since they started this conversation. ″And you're right, I don't regret the steps I made thus far because they always felt right and I will visit him soon and talk to him now that he's back in Chicago but let's keep all these steps small and simple and one at a time. That being said, it doesn't feel right to invite him to one of the most important days of my life and he's not one of the people that means so much to me that I want him to be there,″ he added and his voice softened with every word and so did his eyes while his hand reached for her hand again as his fingers slipped through hers. He knew Erin had a lot of empathy for other people, people she knew and people she didn't know. Her big heart was one of many reasons why he loved her so much. Not to forget that it made her an incredible cop, always being as sensitive as the case or situation required her to be. But although things between him and his father weren't as bad anymore, she still somehow wasted her empathy for the wrong person in his opinion.

″Some things are just too broken, too damaged as that they can get repaired. I'm not as bitter anymore as I was before this whole bone marrow thing but inviting him to our wedding is something I wouldn't feel comfortable with, okay?″

″Okay,″ Erin whispered and this time she really meant as this hadn't just been a bitter 'no' now but an actual explanation how he felt about his father at the moment and how he planned to rebuild parts of the broken road their past was and maybe have some sort of relationship with him again at some point.

XxXxXxXxXxXxX

″Erin,″ Platt greeted her on Monday morning when she and Jay walked into the precinct, for the first time in months without their baby. After they'd spent another nice weekend at Lake Geneva to talk through some more details about the wedding with Rachel, Emilia was spending her first morning with Carol today until Erin would pick her up between 2 and 3 in the afternoon. It had been incredibly hard for her to say goodbye to her baby girl this morning but by the time they'd reached the district, she's become more and more excited that she now could also go to crime scenes again or could question witnesses in their homes and interrogate suspects in the pen. Could all in all do more things than just headache-causing paperwork.

″Good morning, Sergeant, nice to see you, too,″ Jay said sarcastically, wondering whether things would ever change and he would get a proper good morning from her as well.

″Morning Chuckles,″ she nodded. This was probably the closest he would ever get but with his sassy remarks he probably could call himself lucky to even get this kind of greeting.

″Morning Sarge,″ Erin smiled, stopping by in front of her desk for a minute.

″Where's the little princess of the 21st?″ she asked, looking over the front desk searchingly as if she expected that they were hiding her somewhere. Until today, Emilia had always been with Erin when she came to the 21st for more or less the past year, whether it was inside of Erin's stomach until the 1st of February, although they hadn't known about Erin's pregnancy one year ago already, or in her car seat ever since the day she was born.

″She's with her babysitter for the first time today,″ Jay explained.

″But she will be with you again on Wednesday and Friday?″ Platt asked, her voice sounding kinda worried that she wouldn't see Emilia as often anymore. Erin could barely hide a grin when she thought about how Platt hadn't been really impressed when she'd come back to work with Emilia because in her opinion babies had no place in a police station but had then spent more time than ever before up in the bullpen and had even occasionally kidnapped her during her lunch break and taken her to the break room downstairs. One could easily say Platt loved their little girl but then again, who didn't?

″Yeah, sure, for now she'll still spend one or two mornings a week here with me, no worries,″ Erin smirked.

″Oh well, that's great,″ she answered with a hint of relief in her voice, one of these rare smiles rushing over her face.

″Uh-huh,″ Erin nodded. ″See you later then, Sarge,″ she then said, knocked on the front desk with her fist and turned around to go upstairs so she and Jay wouldn't miss Hank's briefing about a possible new case.

″Wait, wait, wait,″ Platt called, her strict desk-sergeant voice making a comeback, signalising them that the smalltalk was over and they were instead back to business.

″Anything else?″ she asked and turned around again, not letting go of Jay's hand that has been laced with hers since they'd left the car.

″Obviously,″ Platt sighed and made an attempt to roll her eyes. ″Your gun requalification is in two weeks, Monday the 15th.″

″Oh damn, I totally forgot that I have to do that again,″ Erin said, a nervous feeling detaching in her stomach. They had to do their gun requalification every couple of months but of course she hadn't had to do hers while being pregnant because of the loud noises. In addition she'd used her gun for the last time about 9 months ago, so needless to say that she needed to requalify before she was allowed to do any busts again. To say that she was out of practice was the understatement of the century and that's why she got a little nervous over something she's never been nervous about before. Probably going to the shooting range before the 15th wasn't the worst idea.

″Yeah, I might have known it,″ Platt said in her typical manner before Erin thanked her and finally walked up the stairs.

″I need to go to the shooting range. Instantly,″ Erin said to Jay while he buzzed the door open.

″Hey, don't stress yourself. You'll sail through,″ he answered, giving her a soft smile as he sensed her uneasiness.

″Yeah...well...I don't know. I haven't used my gun in forever,″ she shrugged.

″But that doesn't mean that you forgot anything,″ he winked and squeezed her hand a little tighter before they took the last few steps to join their colleagues in the bullpen.

″Where's Emmy?″ This was the first thing Adam asked as soon as he saw them, for the first time in weeks without Jay carrying the stroller and Erin carrying the car seat and the diaper bag.

″She's with her babysitter today,″ Erin said for the second time this morning and threw her jacket over the back of her chair.

″What? Why?″ he asked and sounded honestly disappointed. Uncle Adam was also loving Emilia dearly and whenever they had a low day without a case and not much to do, he would be the one to make nonsense with her. In general, on low days they all constantly fought who was allowed to hold her, give her the bottle or rock her to sleep. Just diaper changing they always left generously to Erin or Jay. If someone ever saw the boys with Emilia, when they really reminded Erin of big teddybears, no one would ever believe that this was supposed to be the most badass unit in the city and criminals would most probably be less afraid.

″Because I'm slowly but steady getting tired of only doing your guys's paperwork and figured you deserve to do that by yourself again,″ Erin sassed while making her way into the break room to fill hers and Jay's mug with coffee. Real coffee. She allowed herself to drink one cup of finest bullpen coffee in the morning as soon as they were at the district and all her drinks afterwards were water, juices or tea. But as she'd learned to live completely without coffee during her pregnancy, she didn't even need and want more than one to two cups anymore. Which was a good thing because her caffeine intake had been seriously dangerous.

″Didn't you bring Emilia today?″ Antonio, who was just pouring the black liquid in his own mug and who'd apparently not paid attention to the conversation outside, asked.

″Nope,″ Erin laughed. Talk about adding another super sad cop to the list, she thought smirkingly but at the same time her heart pounded in her chest because their daughter was the most blessed baby girl in the world, being loved by so many incredible people.

″Where is she?″ he asked and handed Erin the pot of coffee.

″With her babysitter,″ she said and filled their cups.

″You don't need a babysitter for her when you have the best babysitters here, Linds,″ Antonio winked.

″Don't I know it,″ she laughed, leaving the break room with him. ″But she can't come here with me forever so it's better we all get used to it.″

Just after she'd placed Jay's steaming mug on his desk and had sat down on the edge of her own desk, Hank stepped out of the office and told them that they didn't have a new case so far but that there was more than enough paperwork they needed to finish. They all muttered in discontent because paperwork was the worst word in your vocabulary when you worked in Intelligence and while it wasn't that they wanted someone getting murdered, they still all hoped a case would pop up soon.

″Uhm Sarge,″ Jay said, jumping up from his chair, motioning his head to Erin that she should follow him while he also followed Hank into his office.

″Huh?″ he grunted.

″Erin needs to do her gun requalification in two weeks and could use a couple of hours at the shooting range before. And as we have no case right now, can we maybe use the time to go there?″ he asked, looking to Erin, who until now hasn't had a clue about this plan. She nodded her head imperceptibly in response because this was a perfect idea and she didn't know when else she should go there if not now. Plus, the less paperwork she had to do the better.

″Sounds good,″ Hank approved. ″But keep your radios on standby.″

″Copy that,″ Jay nodded and threw Erin a short grin before they left his office. They both poured their coffees down, took their jackets from the back of their chairs and wished their team members a lot of fun with all the paperwork before they headed out to the car pool.

″So why do you even come with me?″ she asked on their way to the 300, scanning him from the side with a raised eyebrow.

″Because I'm your partner,″ he shrugged but this kind of mischievous grin covered his lips that told Erin that there was more to come. ″Plus, you need a challenge, so you better take the best shooter of this district with you.″

″Yeah, you better boost your ego before I'll show you who's the best shooter here,″ she sassed, giving him a playful wink. ″And by the way, I drive,″ she said and sneaked into the driver's seat before he even had the chance to.

Having the feeling that it has never felt better to ride shotgun than today and with a grin plastered on his face he couldn't help but realize how much he's missed this during the last few months...

Thanks for reading! Please drop a review and let me know your thoughts! :) I'll try my best to update asap but I'll have my final university exams in the next two weeks, so I might not be able to update before that shit's done.