54. Never Say Never

Thank you all so much for your feedback on my last chapter. I really, really appreciate it! Hope you'll enjoy this one, I had a lot of fun writing it! :)

54. Never Say Never

Erin has never been a person who had many female friends. She's never been someone to hang out with other girls or women to polish their nails together while gossiping about other people. She's never been into all of this girl-stuff, like going shopping together every weekend, like scrolling through magazines and talking about the current fashion trends and lifestyle tips or discussing whether Brad Pitt was single again. Maybe it was because she'd always chosen the people she surrounded herself with carefully, had never trusted people enough to let them be a part of her life and if she had, it had taken a while and had required a lot, had always been afraid that people would leave her in case they found out who she was. Like Steph and her clique back in the days at St. Ignatius, though she had never really trusted them enough to call them her friends, let alone tell them her secrets. It had just been nice not to be alone all day but that didn't mean that she'd felt all comfortable around them, especially with always pretending to be someone she wasn't.

Though this had been a long time ago and lots of things have happened in between, Erin had surprised herself astoundingly when she'd simply asked Sylvie and Natalie after the zumba class on Thursday whether they wanted to join her and Kim with looking for a wedding dress. She couldn't deny that the four of them have grown quite close during the last few weeks ever since they all attended the zumba class together regularly and occasionally went to Molly's afterwards. But she usually wasn't someone who asked something like this before even thinking about it. Usually she would need some time to make such a decision and wouldn't ask them anyway in the end. But while walking outside to their cars and laughing about something funny Cruz had done during the class, these words had slipped from her lips before she even realized what she was saying and could hold them back. Because it had somehow felt right to ask them and she wanted them to join her and Kim. Because she really enjoyed the time she spent with these three women twice a week and for the first time she had the feeling to really belong to some kind of girl's clique. One consisting of four strong women, sometimes up to seven when Gabby and Maggie and Platt joined them. One she definitely liked to be in, felt accepted the way she was.

And now, two days later, on a sunny day mid-May, two days before her gun requalification, she found herself entering the third wedding dress shop on Kim's list to try what felt like the 50th white fairytale dress within the last few hours. So much for this whole buying a wedding dress thing not being a big deal because it was kind of the biggest deal ever. It was an advantage that they had started their day with having brunch at the best bakery in the city, filling their stomachs with fruit oatmeals and scrumbled eggs and bacon and toast and pancakes, otherwise their moods would be at rock bottom by now. Though while Natalie, Kim and Sylvie were still laughing all the time, maybe the champaign they got offered in the shops doing the job here, Erin's mood was definitely on the way down but she tried her best to not show them. They were all here for her after all, so the least she could do was to grin and bear it although this slipping from one dress into the other but none of them looking like she had imagined slowly but steady wore her out. She had to admit, the thought of marrying in just jeans and a plaid flannel was becoming beyond attractive again but wishful thinking it was.

She'd tried so many dresses within the last few hours, short and long, with straps and strapless, with lace and without, with a wide skirt and pretty tight, with sleeves and without, white ones and ivory ones, simply everything possible there was in the world of wedding dresses. And there'd been quite some she'd liked when the shop assistants had showed them. Several times she'd thought: that's it. But as soon as she'd worn it she'd had to realize that this wasn't it. Again. She didn't even really know what she was looking for, she just wanted it to be perfect, because Jay deserved to see her like he's never seen her before. So she just had this vision in her head that she slipped into a dress and thought: this will take Jay's breath away. Unfortunately this hasn't been the case yet. And so they needed to keep looking and hitting the next store although she preferred to go home and spend this beautiful day with Emilia and Jay at the park or doing whatever else her two favorites were doing right now on their daddy-daughter-saturday, especially since she had the feeling that in between work and Emmy they barely had time for each other anymore, neither as a family nor as a couple. Their last date night had been the one more than two weeks ago and it didn't look like these busy times would change anytime soon so they would have the chance to enjoy some more family downtime or much needed intimacy.

She started to wonder whether one dress would ever meet her requirements when the shop assistant, an elder woman aged around 60, greeted them and interrupted Erin's thoughts and daydreams about what kind of way funnier things Jay and Emmy probably did and how she would rather spend time with them right now.

″Hello ladies, how can I help you?″ she asked and offered them a friendly, expecting smile. Erin already liked her because she wasn't as ecstatic and over the top as the shop assistants in the other two stores had been, who'd seriously reminded Erin of teenagers that freaked out about Justin Bieber.

″Our friend,″ Natalie said and gesturing to Erin, the bride-to-be, ″is going to marry by the end of July and she needs to find the perfect wedding dress.″

″Alright,″ she nodded and after introducing herself as Erica she looked at Erin, saying: ″So tell me about what you want.″

″That's actually a good question,″ Erin chuckled slightly but couldn't hide a sigh that escaped from her lips at the same time. ″I think by now I decided I want to have a long dress but about anything else, I don't know,″ she shrugged. Was it embarrassing or sad that even after trying various wedding dresses all day she still couldn't tell the others what she actually wanted?

″She wants that kind of dress that makes her husband gasp for air when he sees her,″ Kim interposed and Erin felt her cheeks blush a little by her friend's statement. No more champaign for Kim, she thought but then again it maybe wasn't the worst that Kim was being all honest about the fact that she had quite huge and maybe even impossible expectations regarding the dress she wanted to wear on the 29th of July.

″Well, which bride doesn't?″ Erica laughed, obviously hearing statements like this all the time, before she focussed on Erin again, gazing at her like she was looking right through her with her warm brown eyes. It was quite uncomfortable even though Erin sensed she only did it because she imagined how she would look in a certain dress and tried to figure out which size she needed. ″I think I have the perfect dress for you,″ she then smiled kindly after a moment and Erin smiled back, but only because of necessity. She'd heard this too many times already today and not even once the dress had been perfect for her.

″Okay,″ Erin nodded in response and let her gaze wander around in the shop for the first time as she'd been deep in thoughts about anything but wedding dresses when they'd entered it. It was small, the furniture old, even antique, but very charming and all the little details and decoration fit together perfectly. Although she had a feeling that the variety of wedding dresses was limited here, she really liked this sweet little shop that was decorated with so much love.

″Do you all want to have a cappuccino first?″ Erica asked the four women. Okay, no hard feelings, she definitely loved this shop. No matter that she would probably not find a dress in here either because of the limited variety of dresses it had to offer and because she was at a point where she was almost certain she would never find a dress.

″Yes please,″ Erin smiled, nodding eagerly and so did the other three. A dose of caffeine was what dreams were made of right now and Erin could really use an energy boost in form of her beloved favorite drink. Who knew how many more hours of this wedding-dress-odyssey they had ahead of them.

Erica served them all a quite big mug of cappuccino along with some homemade chocolate chip cookies and let them all drink the hot liquid while chitchatting a little about the wedding dresses Erin had tried already before she asked Erin to follow her. Erin got up from the quite comfortable chair she's been sitting in for the last ten minutes somewhat reluctantly and followed Erica towards the back of the shop, curiosity building up in her for what the older woman would show her.

″Alright,″ she said, opening a door and Erin followed her inside. She didn't know what she'd expected, maybe a little chamber, but definitely not this. Her eyes widened in disbelief when she stepped into a beautiful, big, lightflooded studio that was the home of organza and tulle and various white and cream and ivory wedding dresses as well as all kind of different colorful bride's maid dresses.

″Wow,″ Erin mumbled and only from looking at the dresses she knew that they were something special because they were somehow different than the ones she'd tried so far.

″So, the dresses I make are sometimes looking similar when it comes to their silhouettes but each and every of them is different because their embellishments are unique,″ Erica explained, confirming Erin's thoughts that these dressed were indeed something very special. ″You can of course look around and tell me what you like but if you don't mind, I'd like you to try one that I already have in my mind and think is made for you.″

″Okay,″ Erin nodded slowly, still amazed by what this little, unremarkable shop had to offer. Small but mighty indeed. ″I'd love to try the dress you recommend,″ she added and gave Erica a sheepish smile, feeling a little bad that she'd for once fallen for the prejudices and had thought this shop didn't have anything special to offer.

″Perfect, the fitting room is over there,″ she said and pointed to a seperate room on the left. ″You can already go in there, I'll bring you the dress in a minute.″

Erin made her way to the fitting room and started to take her shoes off while curiously waiting for Erica to bring her the dress, somehow having a strange good feeling about it although she hasn't even seen it yet. Nonetheless she tried to keep her hopes within a limit so the disappoinment wouldn't be as hard in case it was another dead loss.

″Here you go,″ Erica interrupted her thoughts once more, carrying the white dress on her hands carefully and then hung it on the peg on the wall next to the mirror so Erin could see it entirely. To say the dress was beautiful was the understatement of the year because it was absolutely gorgeous by any measures.

″That's beautiful,″ she said, her voice almost sounding melancholic, but at the same time she reminded herself that only because she liked the dress on the clothes hanger didn't mean she actually liked it when she was wearing it. Unfortunately she had quite some experience with things turning out like that by now.

″You should try it and then tell me what you think,″ Erica said, smiling by her client's reaction. ″Just call me when you need help to close it.″ With these words she left Erin alone and closed the door from the outside.

Erin undressed herself quickly until only her panties and her socks and her strapless bra were left. She put the dream in white on as far as she could and then called Erica for her help to adjust it properly and close the lace-up on the back. Erin looked down to her décolleté, along her breasts, her waist, her hips and to her feet that she couldn't see because they were covered by the wide skirt of organza, her heart hammering against her chest because so far she definitely liked what she was seeing and the excitement was rising constantly.

″Are you ready to take a look in the mirror?″ Erica asked her expectantly after she'd finished to close the lace-up.

″Uh-huh,″ Erin nodded nervously. If she'd looked into Erica's face instead of her feet she would have seen that there was no reason for her to be nervous. She would in fact have seen something else, an expression that could tell more than words.

″Then turn around,″ she said and gave her shoulder a soft push.

Slowly, as if she knew that this moment was going to be special and one to remember forever, Erin turned around and when she saw her own silhouette looking back at her from the giant mirror, she slightly gasped for air. This was it. She knew in this moment that this was the dress she would walk down the aisle with in July. She had to blink some times to assure herself that this was real and that the woman in the mirror was really she herself, Erin Lindsay, the girl that once had lived on the streets of Chicago. The strapless, sleeveless, white A-line dress with the sweetheart neckline and only a small court train, nothing flamboyant but just how she'd wanted it, was exactly what she's been looking for. It was plain but elegant and noble in the right places with soft beading embellishments from her décolleté down until just over her pelvic bone where it passed into the wide organza skirt, which was not too wide for her liking but also not too tight. It was beyond beautiful and absolutely magnificent, nothing over the top but simply all her. This dress was hers and it was indeed made for her. This was the one dress she was sure would take Jay's breath away because it already took her's away, so there was no doubt that Jay would might have some breathing troubles on their wedding day.

″What do you think?″ Erica's voice broke through her blissful bubble of imagining Jay's face when he would see her like this and brought her back to reality. Never say never, Erin thought and smiled.

″It's amazing,″ she said hoarsely, emotionally, and it was all she managed to say because she was still entirely overwhelmed by the perfection of this dress, by what she saw in the mirror, by the fact that this was her own image in the mirror and so words failed her.

″You're looking beyond gorgeous,″ Erica smiled approvingly. ″Would you like me to tell your friends to come in?″

″Yes please,″ Erin beamed and with these words, she left Erin alone for a minute. Surrounded by complete silence for more or less the first time today, a thought settled inside of her, that a couple of years back, hell even one year back, would've completely terrified her: things were getting real. Like real real. They had the most beautiful venue for the ceremony and the reception, they'd decided for flavors for the cake, all the people they'd invited had happily called them and confirmed to come to celebrate this special day with them, even Paul and Izzie would make all the way from Australia, and now it seemed like she also had found her dress. She would marry Jay in short two-and-a-half months and would commit to him for eternity. And it was in that moment, when she still looked at her own reflection in the mirror because she couldn't take her eyes away, that she realized that there was nothing she wanted to be more than being Jay's wife and that there was nothing that made her happier than that she would be Erin Halstead three months from now. And this also terrified her immensely. But in the most positive way.

The silence in the studio was short-lived when she heard the girls's excited babbling and giggling coming closer from outside. But the second they stepped into the room and saw Erin standing there in her white dress, almost looking like some princess from a Disney movie, her brown-blonde waves falling onto her shoulders, they became silent in a heartbeat as their mouths dropped slightly open in awe. She had a sheepish but beaming smile on her face and her eyes sparkled like the most beautiful hazel-green-grey diamonds. They'd seen her in countless dresses today but none of the had let her glow like this. Not even close.

″Wow,″ Sylvie, who was the first to express what they all thought, whispered. ″Erin you're looking fabulous.″

″This is absolutely beautiful, wow, just wow,″ Kim also marveled and a bright smile appeared on her face. ″That's it, isn't it?″

″Hell yes it is,″ Erin exclaimed laughingly, the tiniest bit of relief settling in her that the others had also noticed in the very first second that this dress was different, was hers to be.

″This will definitely take Jay's breath away, no doubt,″ Natalie winked.

″It better does,″ she laughed in response.

″I'm sure it's a good thing that there'll be two doctors around who can help him in case he chokes,″ Natalie grinned at the woman who was more or less her sister-in-law before they all hugged her, careful to not damage the dress, to congratulate her for finding the dress for her special day.

XxXxXxXxXxXxX

The four women ended their successful shopping day with having an early dinner at Au Cheval after Sylvie, Kim and Natalie had also tried some of the bride's maid dresses and had all eventually decided for a dress they wanted to wear on Erin's and Jay's big day. As Will had to work and Owen was with his grandmother Helen and Adam and Kevin and Antonio were playing paintball and Jay and Emmy surely also had a lot of fun on their special daddy-daughter-day, they all had quite a little more time without any obligations to celebrate all their new dresses with eating the best burgers of the city at Erin's expense.

Nonetheless Erin couldn't wait to get home to be reunited with the two most important people in her life. It's been quite a long day and she still wasn't used to spend too much time away from Emilia although her baby had already spent seven hours with Carol the last two Mondays and would spent the following Monday morning and parts of the afternoon with her again before they would add another day in a week.

It was around 7pm when Erin finally unlocked the door of their apartment. She dumped the keys into the bowl on the sideboard next to the door, hung her jacket on the rack and kicked her sneakers off her feet directly onto the floor next to Jay's. Seeing his two pairs of shoes standing there neatly, she reached down and put hers there just as neat. One could say Jay Halstead has quite rubbed off on her.

As the living room was empty, Erin padded towards the soft light that came from the nursery. She remained in the doorway when she saw Jay sitting in the rocking chair, reading Emilia a chapter of Winnie the Pooh, the 3-and-a-half month-old cuddling against his chest, her fingers clawing into the fabric of his shirt, her facial expressions being completely relaxed and satisfied but also full of sleep, her eyelids heavy and struggling to stay open. Jay was being totally absorbed into this bubble that he didn't even recognize Erin standing there glaring at them in awe. She would never get enough of this view. Her heart would never stop fluttering when she saw the two of them like this. Emilia maybe was Erin's mini-me but she was without a doubt daddy's girl and there was nothing Erin loved to see more than this incredible bond between father and daughter. These two have shared something special from the very first second and for Erin, Jay being in full daddy-mode, Jay being this amazing father, was not only the most endearing but also the sexiest she's ever seen him.

″Hey you two,″ she whispered, careful not to disturb the peaceful silence in the room. Jay looked up by the sound of his favorite raspy voice and his face lit up, the same big smile surrounding his lips that also played around Erin's.

″Hey you,″ he said, placed the book on the little table next to him, kissed Emilia's head, which was covered with strands of light brown hair, and got up to get a kiss himself. ″Look Emmy, mommy's back. She didn't get lost in a wedding dress shop after all,″ he whispered against his daughter's head, giving Erin an all innocent smirk when he stood right in front of her.

″Yeah, I made it out alive. Are you proud?″ she chuckled and pecked his lips with a short but burning hot kiss.

″Thankful describes it better,″ Jay grinned, brushing another short kiss against her lips before Erin turned her attention to the slumbering baby.

″Hey sweetheart, how are you doing?″ she whispered and placed a kiss on the side of her head right next to her ear.

″Completely tuckered out,″ he smirked, also gazing down to his daughter. ″You wanna have her for a minute for bedtime cuddles?″

″Naah, let's bring her to bed and postpone cuddling-time to tomorrow morning. She'll be up by 6.30, so we better keep her entertained with cuddles until a more human time to get up on a Sunday,″ she laughed. Emilia sleeping through the night or waking up once, twice at the maximum and having a rhythm was quite nice but unfortunately her rhythm was also working on their days off when they could sleep in and she was usually awake between 6.30 and 7.

″Alright,″ Jay nodded in response and walked over to the crib, Erin following on his heels. He placed her on the soft bedding of the crib and put her in the cozy sleeping bag carefully although he didn't have to worry to wake her up because it was clear that she was already in dreamland.

″Goodnight princess,″ he whispered and leaned down to place a kiss on her cheek.

″Sweet dreams baby girl,″ Erin said quietly, stroking her hand over her head before also leaning down to give her goodnight kiss. ″I love you, Emmy,″ she whispered against her cheek, inhaling this unique sweet scent of hers.

Jay wrapped his arm around Erin's shoulders, pressed a kiss against her temple and for a couple of minutes they just stood there, in the dimmed light of the nursery, and watched Emilia sleeping. Now that their baby was sleeping in her own room, this was their new night routine. Reading her a story, bringing her to bed together, if possible, and staying with her for a couple of minutes to make sure she was all settled.

A couple minutes later they tiptoed out of the room, although they knew Emilia's sleep was deep enough to not wake her up again, turned the light out and Jay already made himself comfortable on the couch while Erin changed into yoga pants and a comfy shirt.

″So?″ Jay asked even before she joined him on the couch when she emerged from the bedroom.

″So what?″ Erin asked back, falling onto the couch next to him. A day full of looking for a dress had been exhausting to say the least.

″Did you find a dress?″ he asked smirkingly. Erin turned her head to him, saw the curiosity that surrounded his face. She knew he would die to know about the dress, to see it. But she wouldn't do him any of these favors. Not in a million years.

″Maybe,″ she shrugged and tried to keep her pokerface straight.

″Oh come on babe, at least tell me whether this was a wasted day or not,″ he sighed dramatically, making clear that he wasn't excited to spend another day off completely without her.

″I don't think you have to spend another whole Saturday without me, that's all I say,″ she winked and snuggled into his side, promising herself that she wouldn't give away any other details. She wasn't superstitious, as in that she thought it brought ill luck when he saw her in her dress before the wedding, but she didn't want him to see the dress before, not even a photo of it. This was supposed to be a surprise for him and she would keep it a surprise although she couldn't wait to see his face and literally counted down the days in her head until he would see her wearing it.

″That's at least something I guess,″ he grinned.

″Yeah, you can consider yourself lucky,″ she joked, tracing random patterns onto his chest with the tips of her fingers. ″What did you and Emmy do all day?″

″We went baby swimming in the morning and then-″

″You did what?″ Erin frowned and looked up to him. She hadn't known about this plan.

″We went baby swimming,″ Jay repeated his words, chuckling by her reaction. ″I mean, first we went shopping to buy her a swimsuit but then we went to a baby swimming class. I read in one of these books that it's good for babies three months and older, it strengthens all their muscles, so I decided to give it a shot because she loves to be in the water, so why not?″ he explained.

Erin couldn't help but slighly shake her head while a bright smile flashed across her face. He was the perfect dad already but every day he became even more perfect although she didn't think this was possible. She was sure there was no man in this whole world who was a better dad than him. No man was made to be a dad more than him. Their daughter was the luckiest girl in the world to have a father like him. And she herself was just as lucky to call this incredible man her partner in crime.

″How was it?″ Erin asked, her voice being emotionally affected in the slightest way.

″She loved it, as expected,″ Jay smirked proudly. ″Guess we have a water lover.″

″Uh-huh, surprising,″ she chuckled. Emilia's loved bathing time from the very first second and maybe being born in the water contributed to their daughter loving water that much. ″What about you, though? You liked it was well?″ she asked, raising her eyebrows playfully but Jay didn't get the message behind it as maybe this transition from being all emotional to being all flirtatious was a bit too quick for him.

″Yeah, it was fun,″ he answered and now he was the one furrowing a brow.

″To be the only man amongst ten or so women in that class?″ she teased him, that smile occuring on her face that displayed her dimples in the most perfect manner.

″What? No, I wasn't-″

″Liar,″ Erin laughed. She knew him too well, knew how his facial expressions changed when he was telling a fib. Because Jay and not telling the truth were two things that didn't go well with each other.

″Well okay, maybe I was the only man,″ he admitted. Sometimes it was so easy to get Jay to telling the truth. It didn't even need much effort.

″I bet the women enjoyed that, huh?″ she chuckled, roaming his body with her eyes cockily once more. Their banter was on point tonight, the sexual tension glistering in the air around them.

″I have no idea what you're talking about,″ he answered, his smirk giving him away. He knew exactly what she was referring to.

″Oh come on babe,″ Erin laughed and with one fast move she straddled him, her hands finding his cheeks with her favorite stubble, her lips only centimeters away from his so he could feel her hot breath burning on them. ″You want to tell me you walked in there in just your bathing trunks, carrying our super cute baby in your arm and having a towel and the diaper bag hanging over your shoulder and not all eyes of all women aged 20 to 70 in that swimming pool were on you? Nice try Jay Halstead,″ she giggled.

″Well...″ he sighed dramatically. ″I was innocent, okay? They maybe stared a little.″

″A little, huh?″ Erin grinned, tilting her head to the side, her eyes roaming his torso, knowing exactly what was hidden underneath his shirt that made every woman's mind go places. Hers included. ″I can't blame them though,″ she chuckled, stroking her fingers over his muscular chest and abdomen teasingly. ″How many of them did give you their number and invited you for homemade lunch tomorrow?″

″Uhm...,″ he stumbled, chewing his lower lip and gazing at the fingers that caressed, no tortured, his chest and made it feel like the skin underneath his shirt was burning. How on earth was it even possible that Erin knew exactly what had happened inside of the public swimming pool? And how on earth was he supposed to concentrate when she was sitting so close to the one part of his body that was already aching for more, was ready for more. ″Two of them were single mothers and gave me their numbers and said they would cook for me anytime and that I could always call them in case I need something.″

″Wow, those chicks didn't waste any time I guess,″ Erin laughed, almost feeling sorry for Jay because she knew him, knew that this situation had been highly embarrassing for him. But then again, he should've known that his body would catch the attention of every female individual, so this was actually pretty funny. And of course single mothers would sniff their chance when a hot guy with a baby attended a baby swimming class, hopes rising that he was that kind of weekend-daddy with shared custody and therefore a single parent as well.

″What did you tell' em though?″ she asked, her hand finally resting right above his heart.

″Accepted their invitations of course, what do you think?″ he said, finally being able to tease her back.

″Of course you did,″ Erin chuckled.

″And then I asked them whether it's okay when I bring my fiancée. Have never seen a bubble bursting that fast before,″ he laughed and lifted his head only to look at her with that kind of heart-eyes that literally killed her every single time. Those eyes that told her that no other woman would ever reach her. Those eyes that showed her that these other women had so much to be jealous of because she's got the boy.

″Walking around and bursting single mothers's bubbles and dreams of calling a hot man theirs, shame on you, Jay Halstead. Always knew you were a charmer,″ she smirked.

″There's only one woman that I want to call me hers,″ he murmured, his voice low and so honest, it melted Erin's heart. And just like that, before she could counter anything, he pulled her closer and crashed her lips hardly and passionately to finally stop this foreplay of banter and teasing and get closer to what they'd both known was inevitable in the moment she'd straddled him. It was about damn time...

Thanks for reading! Please leave a review and let me know what you think! Also, my exams are done which means I'll update once a week again now! :)