90. I Was Counting On Forever

Thank you so much for your feedback on my last chapter, I was truly overwhelmed! So let's continue this journey...chapter 90, can you believe it?!

90. I Was Counting On Forever

~ There are certain things in life that can crack your heart straight through.

The ones that love you will try to save it. To fill it. To fluff it. To fix it.

But there is no magic glue, no golden thread, no perfect fix to put you back together. It changes you in a way that can't be repaired.

And truth is, it's probably not supposed to be ~

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The thunderstorm that blustered outside not only lit the entire room up whenever a lightning was striking but it also made the old window rattle in the wind like it had done all those years back, when Erin'd lived with the Voight's and this had been the bedroom she'd occasionally sneaked out of through said old window.

But it wasn't the window that kept her up that night. The second night after she'd run away from the only man she's ever really loved. It weren't the claps of thunder either that indicated that this thunderstorm was way too close, or the heavy rainfall that lashed against the roof and her window. It was the fact that he wasn't here. That he was not sharing this bed with her. That she didn't hear his steady breathing next to her. That his smell wasn't embedded in the pillows. It was almost ironic how her heart messed with her because she was the very last person to be allowed to miss him. She had needed space. She had walked out on him. She had put the distance between them. She had been sleeping on the very edge of the bed for weeks, so there shouldn't be much of a difference for her now, with him not being here at all. Yet, there was. But probably this realization was coming too late as the damage's been done already.

The fact that there weren't a lot of things she hated more than thunderstorms didn't help either. Usually, she would hide in Jay's arms and let him hold her close so she could sleep despite those loud claps of thunder that sometimes almost made the earth shake, because his arms were her safe haven and only feeling protected by him could bring her through nights like this when it seemed like the end of the world. In more than just one way in her case. But there was no Jay tonight. No protection, no arms and no holding close. Not that she exactly wanted to be held close anyway. After all the things that had happened in the last few weeks she'd needed space for a reason. Only that she'd expected to feel better now that she had this famous space but was still waiting for some effect to kick in. Some effect that confirmed this decision for herself. Some effect that would allow her to breathe again. To stop overthinking. To get out of the doom loop that her thoughts put her into. To find herself again. To forget. And eventually to move on.

As she tossed and turned from one side to the other, startling every time the thunder rumbled and hoping that sleep would finally overcome her so her brain would shut the fuck up, she slowly started to realize that said effect might never kick in.

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It was almost 2.30am when her bare feet padded over the wooden floor of the kitchen in the house she knew every little corner of, and opening the fridge and analyzing its content, she didn't even know why she'd trudged downstairs and into kitchen and what exactly she was looking for. Because she wasn't hungry. Neither for chocolate nor anything else. She just couldn't sleep and when her thoughts had threatened to eat her up, she'd gotten up in a desperate attempt to find distraction in a different room or by doing something else than tossing and turning and turning and tossing.

But instead of finding distraction, her stomach rather turned by the thought of eating the leftovers from dinner in the middle of the night, or by eating anything in general, and so she reached for the bottle of multivitamin juice because the orange liquid was the only thing she could convince herself she needed at 2.30am.

Different to what she would do at home, she poured some juice into a glass because she knew that Hank wasn't a fan of her drinking from the bottle, never has been in fact and they'd clashed several time when he'd caught her drinking milk or juice from the bottle or container back when this place had been her home. Jay had given her quite the glance as well when she'd done that for the first time in his apartment. But he'd only smiled, telling her that she'd looked like a doe in the beam of the headlights when he caught her and that her facial expression had changed to the most innocent look she could give him. And because she was being so darn adorable, he'd told her that if she wanted to drink from the bottle, she could. There was no denying that she'd had him wrapped around her finger from the very start. And at some point it had become a habit for him as well, not to use a glass but just take the bottle or milk cartoon. Because not only had Jay Halstead rubbed off on her but also had she rubbed off on him. Only recently, with being parents and having a certain resposibility and with Rylie and Luke living with them, they'd started to use glasses again so Luke wouldn't pick on this habit.

Luke – he would come back from staying with Rylie tomorrow evening, on Sunday, and would then stay with them for another week before he would permanently move in with Rylie and their time as foster-parents would come to an end. Though they would of course still take care of him whenever Rylie had to work nightshifts or weekends or when she had to study to pass all her exams and get her degree. That's what they all had agreed on, raising Luke together somehow and giving him the best possible childhood, but damn would Erin miss having this cute five-year-old boy around every day. No matter that she'd always known that fostering Luke could turn out to be only a temporary situation, he's of course become a part of their family over the last few months and she loved him like a son.

But then again, right now it probably wasn't the worst thing that Luke would not live with them anymore soon because who knew how everything would continue between her and Jay. She was thinking about how no child should be involved in such a mess but that this was the exact mess Emilia was in now as well because Erin was at some other place than Jay, because she had needed space and had also caused a distance between father and daughter with this, when a familiar voice coming from the dark startled her as much that she jumped up from the chair and hit her knee on the edge of the table by doing so.

″Hey kid.″ Those were the words that sent her heart racing because the last thing she'd expected was Hank's dark silhouette and raspy voice appearing in the doorframe after 2.30am.

″Geeeez,″ she breathed out, running her shaking hands over her face and then rubbing her hurting knee. ″You scared me to death.″

″I'm sorry,″ Hank chuckled slightly, obviously not being extremely sorry about it, and went to the sink to get himself a glass of water before sitting down across her. From what he was wearing, leather jacket, his badge pinned on his belt and his gun in his holster, she figured pretty fast that he only returned from work a couple of minutes ago and that this was the reason for their meeting in the kitchen at a time most of the city's inhabitants were already dreaming the sweetest dreams.

He took a few sips, eyeing her sternly while he emptied the glass and as always when Hank was looking at her like this, she had the feeling he could see so much more than just her silhouette and suddenly she had the urge to get up and hide in her bedroom. ″You look like you saw a ghost or something,″ he mentioned and placed the glass back on the table with a thud.

″Well, I wonder where that comes from,″ Erin said back dryly and Hank was sure these were about the most words she's said in one sentence since crashing here.

″I didn't startle you this morning when we had breakfast and you looked about as terrible as right now,″ he said casually, his eyes fixated on her gaze and it felt like they were lighting her on fire and burning her skin down. ″So how about you stop pretending and tell me how you're doing?″

As much as she wanted to tell him she was fine and he should stop being worried, she couldn't let those words slip past her lips and they got stuck somewhere in her throat. Because they would be the biggest lie in the history of big lies and she hated lying to the man she considered her father. She would just keep on pretending then. Because she wasn't fine. Not anywhere near of being fine actually. She hasn't been fine since that fateful day, when they'd enjoyed a perfect afternoon in the park and the evening had then ended in their world getting shaken to the core, getting shaken as much that it broke into a million pieces that could never get glued together again. Because nothing was like before. And sometimes she just wished she could turn back time and do things differently on said fateful day. Or on a day months before, when they'd decided to try for another baby. Sometimes she wished they had never tried and would just've been satisfied with what they had, with the perfect little life they lived.

Instead of telling him how she was doing, which the man across the table probably knew anyway, she avoided to answer and instead asked the one question that had kept her up all night. ″How's Jay?″ The moment the question was out she already regretted asking it at all because she feared the answer. Because she actually knew the answer. And getting the confirmation from Hank wouldn't make this night any better. And it wouldn't change anything either. She didn't feel up to face him and right now she didn't know when she would be. Yes, she missed him but this feeling was nothing against the drowning feeling of wanting to be alone.

″How do you think he's doing?″ Hank asked back rhetorically and didn't hold back with telling her the hard, devastating truth. ″He's standing in front of the broken pieces of his life and he's afraid he won't find a way to fix it. He's lost, Erin. You walked away, you took the kid and you asked for space. If it was me, I would run that very door down to see my kid but because he's a much greater man than I am, he accepts your request for space and stays away although it kills him. He's as selfless that he's rather hurting himself than risking to hurt you.″

And suddenly they were there again, those last words she'd thrown at him before taking off and running away, the words that have haunted her ever since. You hurt me. Already yesterday evening, after settling in her old bedroom with Emmy snuggled into her side, she'd realized how awful it was to say something like this and she was sure she would never forget the unbelievably defeated look in his eyes after she'd spat those words out like a dragon spat fire. The fact that in this moment, she'd meant those words like she'd said them made her feel even worse. Because with pushing her into that certain direction he'd hurt her. But mainly because it still hurt in a way that even after four weeks she struggled to deal with it. And all the aftermath in form of her doom loop thoughts that came with it.

He's rather hurting himself than risking to hurt you. Those words resounded in her head and she realized that it might be truest words that he has ever told her. But she didn't say anything. She couldn't as the lump in her throat threatened to choke her. And so Hank used her silence to say a couple more things he had on his chest and thought she needed to hear.

″Listen Erin, what you and Jay went through is the most terrible experience a couple can incur. And I don't exactly know what's going between the two of you right now and I can't say I don't care but it's none of my business and this is something between you and Jay that only you guys can figure out. I just always thought that you guys are one of those couples that can get through anything. Together. Not indiviually,″ he said meaningfully.

Once again words failed her because the lump in her throat grew as big that she had the feeling her lungs didn't get enough oxydgen. In addition she was too occupied with keeping her tears at bay and battling the emotions that came with Hank's honest words and meaningful glance. And so he used her continuous silence to keep on talking.

″Camille and I, we went through this several times. She lost the baby or we went to the doctor, all excited for an ultrasound, only for them to tell us that they couldn't find a heartbeat. Our worlds and dreams shattered so many times but what brought us through this was having each other when we needed us most. We gave each other strength and without each other, this would've killed us.″ His voice was filled with rare emotions and his glance was as intense that she had to lower her head because she couldn't keep his gaze without bursting into tears.

″But everyone handles this differently I guess,″ he said and got up. ″I just thought I tell you,″ he added as he put his glass in the dishwasher.

He was almost out of the room when he turned around in the doorframe to say one last thing before hitting the cushions. ″I will take Emmy and bring her to Jay in the morning. It's his right to see his daughter and just because he loves you as much to respect your request for space despite not seeing Emmy kills him, doesn't mean he has to stay away from her until you two figure this whole mess out. And I bet Emmy misses her dad as well and she should be the last one suffering due to this.″

With these words he turned around and it was only then that she found her words again and was able to choke some words out for the first time in minutes. ″I miss him, too.″

Her voice was as quiet that Hank almost missed hearing her mumbled words but they found their way to his ears and so he spun around again, his eyes finding his pseudo-daughter fighting with her emotions but still not allowing herself to cry.

″You know kiddo, as long as you refuse to go back and talk with him, there's no one to blame but yourself,″ he answered and joined her again.

And as he pulled her into a hug, she not only was sure that Hank knew more than he admitted but also, for the second time tonight, she was sure he has never said something truer.

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″Hey bug,″ Erin greeted her daughter on the following morning when she walked into the children's room Hank had in his house for all his grandkids. ″How was your night? Did you have a good sleep?″ she asked her and scooped the almost 16-months-old toddler up into her arms. Her night had consisted of no sleep at all and she'd been relieved when the sun started to rise and when after hours of listening to the birds going crazy outside she'd heard some sounds from the baby monitor that indicated Emmy was awake.

″Dada?″ Emmy asked, looking at her with those big blue eyes she's inherrited from her father and when Erin had been sure that her heart couldn't possibly break into any more pieces, she didn't exactly get the confirmation right now. Because more was very well an option as she learned in this moment, when her daughter, who didn't understand any of the things that were going on, asked for her father.

She had to inhale a deep breath before she could say something. She's had to do that a lot lately because there's a permanent lump residing in her throat. ″Daddy's not here right now,″ she said sadly and stroked over Emmy's brown-blonde hair that by now was as long that they could make some first cute hairstyles. ″But you will see him later, I promise,″ she whispered and pressed a kiss against her forehead. ″You miss your daddy, don't you?″

″Yaah dada,″ Emilia said.

″I'm sorry, sweetie. I'm so sorry,″ she said quietly and brought her to the changing table to make her ready for the day and new adventures and distract her from missing her daddy.

″Mama,″ Emmy smiled up at her when she was lying on the changing table so Erin could change her diaper. Today she had one of her better days because usually changing the diaper was a very tough battle these days since Emilia refused to lie down and always wanted to move.

″Yes, I'm your mommy,″ Erin forced herself to smile and leaned down to blow some kisses on her stomach which made her laugh heartily. The last kiss, she then pressed on her cheek. ″And I always will be. No matter what happens.″

With Emmy on her hip she made her way downstairs and found Hank in the kitchen, making his famous pancakes with fresh fruits and maple syrup or fried bacon. If it wasn't for Emmy babbling all the time while she put piece for piece of pancake and strawberries into her mouth with her fingers, their breakfast would've gone down in silence because other than Erin saying that his pancakes were as delicious as always and that she's really missed them, not too many words were exchanged. Hank didn't mention once again that she looked miserable and the only words that left his lips were telling her that he was always glad when he could make pancakes for her, and the words he exchanged with Emilia who obviously loved his pancakes as much as her mom usually did. And he also didn't say anything when she put her cutlery on her plate after only two pancakes, signalising that she was done. Given the fact that she's been eating like a mouse in the last couple of days, he should probably be happy that she ate two pancakes after all and didn't decline breakfast completely like she'd done yesterday.

After doing the dishes together and cleaning up the mess Emmy had created during breakfast, Hank left the house to bring Emmy to Jay and he didn't return for the remainder of the day. As the walls threatened to close in around her as soon as she was alone and had nothing to do, she changed into her sports gear and drove towards downtown to go for a two-hours run along the lake, finding distraction in burning off some energy and listening to the loud music that resounded from her earplugs.

Returning back to the house that once had been her home, she took a long and refreshing shower to wash away the sweat and everything that made her world spinning but as soon as she was done and all by herself again, those walls immediately came closer, as if they wanted to push her out of the house. Since she wasn't up for any company, and neither her usual company in form of Emmy, Jay, Luke and Crispin was here, she did the only other thing she knew could always provide distraction: she grabbed the keys of the 300 from the sideboard in the hallway and went for a drive. All the way along Lake Michigan and over the Indiana and Michigan borders, driving along endless highways for hours with loud music filling the air in the car, her tired eyes protected by sunglasses. The beautiful countryside passed by without that she even paid attention and she only realized how far she's driven when her car signalised her that it urgently needed gas or would otherwise break down. She filled the 300 up with gas at the next possible gas station, which turned out to be in Spring Lake, and pulling out on the road again, she decided not to continue her drive but head back towards Chicago.

By the time she was back in the familiar streets of her hometown, the sun was already low on the blue sky and the dawn was inevitably coming closer. She parked her car in the driveway next to Hank's and walking into the living room a minute later, she found her father-figure and her daughter on the couch, Emilia already wearing her pajama as Hank read her a story. She sat down next to them silently and listened to Hank reading her a fairytale from the Brother's Grimm until Emmy's struggles to keep her eyes open ended in her falling asleep in her grandfather's arm.

″Where have you been?″ Hank asked as he closed the book.

″Out,″ Erin shrugged. ″Nowhere really.″

″Huh,″ Hank grunted, for a minute considering to dug deeper but eventually deciding against it. ″Tomorrow, we'll all go out of town. You and me and Emmy.″

″Where do we go?″ Erin frowned.

″Out,″ he said. ″Nowhere really.″

″You trying to be funny?″ Erin asked without any emotions on her face or in her voice.

″No,″ Hank denied. ″Just thought to give you as much of a helpful answer as you gave me.″

″Whatever,″ Erin shrugged it off, as always these days not being interested in any kind of conversation and she picked Emmy up to carry her upstairs and tuck her in, leaving the room with a mumbled good night but nothing more.

She settled in her bed in the guest room a little later and turned the TV on to distract herself but she wasn't interested in anything that flickered on the screen and so the next couple of hours until she tried to give sleep a try consisted of zapping through the channels and watching something different every five to ten minutes. Eventually she turned the TV off but although the room was all dark now and there was no thunderstorm outside, she couldn't find sleep once again as her world was spinning and her thoughts were eating her as soon as she closed her eyes.

For the rest of the night she stared at the ceiling and wondered how long a human being could go without sleep before breaking down.

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″Alright, are we ready to go then?″ Hank asked on the following morning.

″Can't we just stay here?″ Erin asked back. She was feeling awful, had headaches that were hammering against her forehead and felt dizzy whenever she moved too fast. Maybe three nights of no sleep was the point where the human body shut down.

″No, we can't,″ Hank said matter-of-factly, with a voice that didn't allow backtalk. ″It's a beautiful day and I will not support the way you wall yourself off. So bring the diaper bag and the picnic basket to the car already and wait there for me while I bring my favorite granddaughter,″ he ordered and looked at Emmy who was occupied with all her toys and also didn't seem like she wanted to leave her toy paradise anytime soon.

″Okay,″ she muttered because really, she didn't have a chance anyway, and grabbed the diaper bag and the picnic basket before she made her way out to his Escalade.

She stored everything in his car and then already took her spot on the passenger's seat, her elbow resting against the cold window as she covered her awfully throbbing forehead with her palm, hoping that it would soon go away but sensing that she would have to deal with it for as long as her nights consisted of no sleep. It took Hank forever to join her and she figured that Emmy was probably throwing a tantrum because she didn't want to be taken away from her beloved toys. But instead of going in and checking on him, she kept on sitting in the car and covered her eyes with her palm because she absolutely didn't feel up to handle any tantrum right now and only the thought of a screaming toddler let her head almost explode.

Finally, the door opened and closed again, the driver's seat was taken and she mumbled: ″About damn time.″ It was only after these words left her lips that she realized that there was none of her daughter's famous babbling and that she hadn't even heard Hank opening the back door to settle Emilia in her car seat and with a frown on her face she turned her head to ask him what was going on. Only that her eyes didn't find her father-figure sitting on the seat next to her, but her husband.

And while her mind tried to figure out whether this was real or just some dream or nightmare - she didn't exactly know which term was more fitting - and how on earth he's done that and then came to the conclusion that he and Hank must've planned this yesterday, when Hank had been gone for the whole day, she just wanted one thing: out. She wanted out of this car and hide in her old bedroom upstairs. She needed to get out of this car because she was in no way in any condition to face him.

But before she could do anything about it, she heard the sound of the central locking as if he'd heard her thoughts – and honestly, it wouldn't even surprise her if he had - and reaching for the door to yank it open and jump out of the car, she realized it was too late. He would not let her go today. Not again. But she tried anyway.

″Let me out,″ she whispered, her fingers still fumbling on the door.

Instead of answering anything, he started the engine and pulled out on the street, his gaze focused on the road, both of his hands on the steering wheel.

″Let me out!″ she said a little louder though her voice has lost its usual strength over the past few days.

Once again there wasn't any reaction coming from him. He neither looked at her nor made any attempt to pull over and stop the car.

″Let me out!″ She tried to yell but her headaches didn't allow her to raise her voice too much. And anyway, nothing changed. Jay kept on driving like she wasn't existing, ignored every word that left her lips as well as her presence and when she yelled the same words for a fourth time without that it triggered any reaction, she started to realize, that nothing would make him stop or turn around today and that they were headed to an uncertain place that was called their future.

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While he was driving to that certain destination, some doubts started to invade his mind. Doubts whether this was a good idea. Doubts whether this was the right way to do it. Doubts whether he was overstepping her boundaries. Doubts whether he should pull through with his plan or rather turn around and bring her back to Chicago. Doubts whether what he was doing had the capacity to make everything even worse. Though he wondered whether their situation could really get any worse. And this was what kept him driving.

She had her arms crossed in front of her chest for the whole drive and was staring out of the window without facing him even once and without saying a word. Which he was fine with because he didn't want to talk either. Not yet at least. There were a lot of things and words on his mind for later though. Beyond the silence, the atmosphere in the car was tense and as explosive that one little spark could set everything on fire.

At some point, when they passed the Wisconsin state border, he wondered whether she knew where they were headed to. But then again, even if she did, he didn't expect her to become all excited. Because this place was probably the last she wanted to be right now as it was the home of a lot of memories. A lot of wonderful memories with a beauty of their own. Memories from when they'd been on cloud nine. Memories that now seemed to be from a different planet because their cloud nine had turned into the biggest, darkest, heaviest cloud possible.

The sun was still shining high on the sky, the weather so different to the cold atmosphere in the car, when Lake Geneva appeared in the distance and it was only when Jay left the highway for a certain small road that led to a certain place, that Erin inhaled a sharp breath because she seemed to know where he was taking her and this realization brought up more than just the memories from one of the best days of their lives.

He parked the car close to the little cabin. The cabin they'd had their wedding night in. The lake was sparkling in the distance, right behind the place where they'd shared their I do's 10 months back. Where they'd promised each other to go through good and bad times together as long as they lived. A promise that right now seemed like a broken one. Because this right now were the bad times, the worst time in fact, and they'd lost each other on the day they'd lost their baby.

He finally unlocked the car and got out of it to refill his lungs with this fresh early summer air, giving Erin the chance to do the same. If he had to, he would have this conversation in the car with her, but he hoped they could do it in the exact same spot where they'd given each other a promise for eternity.

″Come on,″ he said as he opened her door.

Her arms stayed crossed in front of her chest and her gaze kept fixated on anything but him. She didn't move. But Jay hadn't expected her to. She was as stubborn as he was though right now her stubbornness was the least of his problems.

″Erin, come on, you wanted to get out of the car so badly earlier,″ he said again but just like he'd ignored her earlier, she was ignoring him now.

″Er-,″

″I just wanna go home,″ she interrupted him through gritted teeth.

″Yeah?″ he asked. ″Then tell me, where is home? Because there's nothing I rather wanna do than going home with you but I'm not entirely sure whether we have the same definition for home these days.″

With these words, he walked away towards the lake, towards the spot were they'd exchanged the most beautiful vows, and he didn't know the reason but she jumped out of the car and followed him and as soon as she caught up on him, she yanked him around on his shoulder.

″Bring me back,″ she yelled and he was sure the fire in her eyes would burn this beautiful piece of nature down if she didn't tame it quickly.

″That's exactly what I'm about to do,″ he said all calm and determined, meaning something completely different than what Erin had asked for. ″You know Erin, 10 months ago, we were standing here and promised us all the things we thought we could live up to forever. Last October, after the shooting, you were the one who reminded me that for better or worse also included the bad times and that exactly these bad times are those when we have to lean on each other more than ever and let the other in. We promised each other that as long as we live, we go through life together no matter which rocks there might be in the road. But these days I find it hard to believe that you remember any of the things that I promised you. Or that you promised me,″ he said and his eyes never left her face although she didn't look at him and still rather looked anywhere else. But he could very well see how the muscles in her face flinched and how she unintenionally gave more of her emotions away than she wanted.

And then those words left his lips again, those powerful words that have been burned into his head ever since this beautiful day in July 2017, when he'd been allowed to finally put a wedding band on her finger and give her his name.

″Erin. You're my best friend. The one I can always count on to pick me up when times are bad. To share my joy when times are good. And to tell me I'm an idiot on the rare occasions that it might be true. But much more you are the one person who brought joy and happiness back into my life when I started to wonder what these things even are and how they feel. Being with you, suddenly everything has made sense and I feel like I'm home after wandering around for too long. Erin, I promise to remember that neither one of us is perfect. But I will strive to remind myself of the ways we are perfect for each other. I promise to cherish you. To laugh with you. To protect you. To love you. Not from this day forward, because I've always loved you. I promise I will continue to love you, in good times and in bad, in sadness and in joy, with everything that I have to give, completely and forever. And for the rest of my life I'll ask myself how I ever got to be so blessed.″

He repeated every single word of his wedding vows although his voice was cracking at some points, and even though their situation was so messed up, he could still promise her all these things again any day because for him his vows still meant exactly as much as they'd had 10 months back. Because beyond all the pain and the hurt and the things that had gone down in the last couple of weeks he still loved her with every fiber of his body and that, well that would never change.

There's no reaction on Erin's side, other than that she obviously fought with her tears and so he continued. He wouldn't stop until he had it all talked off his chest.

″When I promised you all these things, I was counting on forever, Erin,″ he said emphatically, his voice rising. ″I was counting on forever!″ he called, rather yelled, but there's still no reaction other than some deep breaths she inhaled and exhaled.

″I know you've been miserable these last few weeks. And you have every right to be. But I've been miserable as well. It's not just you, Erin! And instead of dealing with our loss together, you wall yourself off and keep me at a distance that has never been bigger because letting me come close means you would have to face it!″

Finally, there's a reaction and first she only shook her head as if she wanted to say that he had it all wrong. ″You have no idea how it is,″ she whispered and within the next second, her voice turned into yelling, her face tormented and angry. ″You have no idea how it is to lose a child! To feel it slip away from your body! You have no fucking idea!″

For a second, Jay was speechless. Because he had trouble to believe that this was the reason for her building up her walls so high that they were an almost insurmountable obstacle for them. Because he knew that this was her anger talking, her anger trying to hurt him – successfully - because he'd kinda kidnapped her. But nonetheless this was the point where he lost it. Where he couldn't hold back his own anger about her behavior anymore. And no matter that he couldn't and didn't want to believe it, he also knew that there was some truth in her words and that for whatever reason she selfishly claimed it was just her who was suffering and feeling the pain.

″So that's what this is all about?!″ he asked incredulously. ″You push me away because you think I don't understand what you're going through?! I lost this child as well!″ he yelled, his eyes wide and full of pain and tears that fell down his cheeks with his next words. ″I might not have physically felt it but it's not just you! It was as much my child as it was yours! And I also already wondered whether it's a boy or a girl! I also painted this picture in my head how this baby looks like! I also thought about possible names already! So don't you dare to tell me that I have no idea how it is! Because it's not just you! I fucking lost this child as well!″

And at this, she was breaking down.

Finally.

She allowed the tears to fall and doubled over as she almost hyperventilated and sank to her knees. It seemed like everything she's been holding back in the last few weeks was coming out in the moment Jay's last words had left his lips. He didn't know whether she cried because of the baby they'd lost or because of his words as she realized that he's been suffering as much as she has or because of the obvious pain in his voice or because he was crying as well but he didn't care about the reason. Because for the first time in weeks it seemed like he got through to her and she didn't push the pain away but allowed her emotions to take the better of her. He went down on his knees as well and wrapped his arms around her shaking frame and when he was holding her in his arms after four weeks without getting close to her in any way, he just wanted to never let her go again because this was where they both belonged in the moments their wedding vows were most difficult to keep: in each other's arms.

However, this moment was short-lived. As soon as his arms were around her to hold her close and press her against his strong body, she fought against his embrace and squirmed out of it as if him holding her caused even more pain. And even before she opened her mouth to speak Jay knew now he would learn about the second reason for her behavior.

″Don't you get it, Jay?″ she asked quietly and defeated. ″This is the universe calling: screw you, Erin, you're not allowed to be happy! This is my past catching up on me and fate's punishment for the decision I made when I was fifteen! When I aborted a child!″ Her voice got louder with every word that left her lips. ″I wanted to have our baby so badly and I was so excited about it but of course the baby I wanted with all my heart was the one I couldn't keep but lost! I could have two kids now, if I never aborted my baby all those years back! And whichever higher power is up there let me pay the price for that now! 18 years later! Because I don't deserve to have another baby! Because I didn't cherish my very first pregnancy so why should I be blessed with one now?″ she yelled. ″I'm bad news and my past will always come back and haunt me! I will never be allowed to be entirely happy because there are enough things I did that I still have to pay the price for! So you might as well just haul ass before I destroy your happiness,″ her voice turned into a whisper again towards the end and the tears made a comeback as she swallowed hard. ″You don't deserve to pay that price as well.″

Jay didn't hesitate with his answer as he pulled her close to his body again and this time she didn't fight. She couldn't. And so she collapsed right into them. And his aching heart immediately started to ache less when her head was pressed against his chest. ″It's a price I would pay anytime. Because you and me, we're in this together. The good, the bad, the ugly. Whatever it takes,″ he said and kissed her hair as his hand traveled up and down her spine to soothe her. ″And nothing of this was your fault, Er. This was neither punishment nor fate or anything else. Our little baby just had to serve a bigger purpose. To join the stars and shine down on us from above.″

Those were the last words any of them said. Then they only cried while time seemed to stand still, while the earth seemed to stop turning and even the birds didn't chirp anymore. And it felt good and right, to finally grieve together, although Jay knew very well that this didn't mean everything would magically go back to how it had been before. This was one step into the right direction but they still had a long road ahead back to happiness and putting all these broken pieces back together. Though some of those pieces would probably forever stay broken. And that was fine as well because losing their baby was one of those pieces that couldn't be repaired. It wasn't supposed to be.

Not once he asked her why she'd pushed him away in the way she had, mainly because this was in the past and they had to concentrate on their future. And how would it change anything, really? He was sure to know exactly why she'd dealt with it in the way she had. Because her way of grieving was pushing the pain away and pushing the people away who would eventually help her to get better. But she'd wanted to feel bad because she'd blamed herself or her own fate in this case. Just like after Nadia. When she'd blamed herself and had run off to her mother, the only person who allowed her to feel as bad as she wanted to, because Bunny had been the bad person Erin thought she deserved. And this time she'd thought she didn't deserve him and he didn't deserve to suffer because of her fate messing with her. One of the main reasons why she'd pushed him away was that she'd wanted to feel bad and he was about the only person in the whole damn world who had the ability to eventually make her feel better and that's what she'd wanted to avoid. Feeling better.

That was the conclusion he came to later, after their crying had faded and their tears were more or less dried, when they were lying in the green grass, gazing up to the blue sky, none of them saying a word for at least another thirty minutes. At some point, Jay reached for her hand and at first she flinched by his touch. He squeezed it gently and as he laced his fingers through hers, he couldn't help but wonder for how much longer she would flinch every time he approached her with some simple gestures like holding hands.

″We didn't even know whether it was a boy or a girl,″ Erin whispered soon after their hands laced, as if it was giving her courage to talk about it. ″And I didn't know how beautiful it is to be pregnant until I was able to enjoy my pregnancy with Emmy and until I became pregnant again. Maybe we were too excited...″ her barely-existent voice trailed off and she blinked her tears away against the blue sky. ″Do you think it's up there?″ she asked.

″Yeah,″ Jay whispered, his own emotions overcoming him once more. ″I'm sure my mom and Camille have a grandchild in heaven now.″

At this, the tears flowed again. And they just kept coming.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

She told him she was okay with planting a tree for their baby when they were driving back to Chicago and so they stopped by some garden shop somewhere by the border to Illinois and bought a little apple tree. They returned to Beverly in the late afternoon and before picking Emmy up from Hank's place and trying to go back to some kind of routine later, they planted their tree in the garden. In silence. Just the two of them.

″I'll be back in a minute,″ Jay said when the tree was planted and Erin was putting some little stones around its tiny trunk to form a heart.

Instead of a minute, it took him almost ten but Erin didn't mind. Once the heart was finished, she sat down in the grass in front of their tree that would, opposite to their baby, grow bigger in the next few months and years, her knees pulled up into her chest and her arms wrapped around them and she startled a little when Jay suddenly sat down next to her.

″Here,″ he said and showed her a piece of paper.

″What's that?″ she asked without lifting her head from her knees.

″Earlier I said our baby joined the stars and well...now it really did,″ he said quietly and only now Erin looked at the paper for real. And the moment she realized what he did, she knew why she didn't deserve this man, knew why she loved him in an overwhelming way.

″You bought a star?″ she choked and her eyes started to burn with unshed tears again.

″Yeah,″ he nodded, the amount of tears in his eyes equalling hers. ″Now it will not only be in our hearts forever but up there at night forever as well.″

She didn't hold her tears back from falling this time. She didn't flinch when he wrapped his arm around her this time. And even when he kissed her temple and rested his head against hers she didn't flinch but found comfort in this little gesture.

It's only when her tears were dried and her vision was clear again that she looked at the piece of paper again and saw another little detail that let the tears spring right back into her eyes. He'd not only bought a star, he'd also given it a name:

Little H.

Forever their baby that didn't make it earthside. Forever their angel in heaven, their star on the night sky. Forever in their hearts and in their minds. And forever the piece of them that would be missing...

Thanks for reading. Please leave a review and let me know what you think. As always, I'll try to update again as soon as I can ;)