91. Healing

Thanks for all your feedback! On to chapter 91, enjoy!

91. Healing

They say there is a reason,

They say that time will heal,

But neither time nor reason,

Will change the way I feel.

For no one knows the heartache,

That lies behind my smile,

No one knows how many times,

I've broken down and cried.

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Summer was showing off early in Chicago this year, with temperatures rising over 86°F in mid June already, the whole city reveling in pure sunshine and cloudless, deep blue skies and days that never seemed to end as the sun didn't go down in all shades of red and orange with painting the sky purple and pink earlier than 8.30pm. Erin and Jay built up the kiddie pool in the garden again and every free minute was either spent with watching Emmy having a blast in the water, splashing it everywhere and playing with her rubber ducks and other toys, or with spending time in the sandbox or on the swing. Almost every evening ended with an extensive stroll through the neighborhood, Crispin walking in front of them and Emmy walking on Erin's or Jay's hand, in case Jay was home as early so they could go all together, before she got tired and rather sat in her stroller, pointing to certain things and trying to name them and tell her own little story.

″Tee,″ she said on Friday evening, three weeks after they'd planted their apple tree and named their star, seven weeks after they'd lost their baby, and pointed to a big tree they passed in the park close to their house.

Today it was Jay who was walking through the neighborhood with Emmy as Erin was back working her usual long Fridays. They were now back to some kind of routine in general. At least it seemed like it from the outside. But from the inside the process of healing was a daily battle of taking one step after the other and accepting that it took a huge amount of time to get back to levity, to find this easiness again. In certain situations it was still like walking on eggshells around each other and some days the darkness and sadness overshadowed everything else but they tried their best to keep it together for Emilia's sake.

Their kisses were reduced to short pecks on the lips but Jay was glad that from time to time their lips met at all. Erin wasn't sleeping on the edge of the bed anymore but he still wasn't allowed to hold her close during the night. She wasn't yet ready to be that close to him and Jay of course accepted this distance she put between them whenever they shared a bed. He's read more than enough articles about women after miscarriages, so he knew it took time, weeks, even months, until the intimacy would come back. And he would give her all the time in the world.

″Yes, that's a tree, Emmy,″ Jay cheered and stopped pushing the stroller to kneel down next to her. ″And can you tell me what this is?″ he asked and pointed at Crispin, their faithful companion.

″Dog,″ Emilia smiled.

″Exactly, that's our dog Crispin,″ Jay said and by the sound of his name, their dog trotted back towards them, expecting some tickling and stroking and of course Jay's fingers caressed his favorite spot behind his ears immediately.

″Hi dog,″ Emilia babbled excitedly and leaned over the safety bar of her stroller to be able to reach him as well.

″Come on princess, that makes it easier,″ Jay grinned and lifted her out of the stroller to settle her between his knees and Crispin instantly gave her cheek a soft nudge with his nose, which made her giggle heartily.

″You and your Crispin, huh?″ Jay chuckled as he watched them cuddling together.

″Me dog,″ Emilia smiled brightly and nestled her head into his fur. No matter that he's seen this countless times already, it was still absolutely heart-warming to see the special bond these two have had for over a year now and Crispin was without a doubt Emilia's best friend.

″Okay bug, you wanna sit in your stroller when we walk back home?″ he asked her when their little moment was over and it was time to head back home. He still needed to bathe her and usually Emilia should be in bed in about an hour though with summer providing them these long, perfect evenings, she's been constantly going to bed later than usual in the last three weeks.

″No,″ she answered right away. That was still her favorite word. One that would definitely cause more trouble in the future than it already did.

″You wanna walk then?″

″Yaah,″ she confirmed.

″Of course you do,″ Jay laughed, because their little whirlwind was probably the most active toddler in Chicago, and so he took her by her hand, his other hand pushing the stroller, as they slowly walked all the way back to their house.

Returning home and giving Emmy a bath, the 16-month-old once again set the entire bathroom under water and so it was his task to clean that mess of water and foam up before reading her a bedtime story and tucking her in. Equipped with cleaning rags and towels he made the puddle in the bathroom disappear and when he went back into Emmy's nursery afterwards, their bathroom clean and shiny again, he couldn't help but laugh by the picture he was provided with. Emilia had used the time without supervision – because really, Crispin wasn't supervision but rather her partner in crime – to empty one of the smaller plastic boxes they usually threw all her scattered toys into in the evening, and was currently wearing it on her head like a hat or a crown, and walking around all proud.

″Em, what did you do?″ he chuckled and shook his head slightly.

″Dada,″ she smiled and walked towards her father who knelt down on the floor so he could welcome her into his arms.

″What's that? Do you have a new hat?″ he grinned and gently jiggled on the box on her head.

″Yaah,″ she beamed.

″Can daddy try it as well?″ he asked and took the box from her head to put it on his own, Emilia following his movements with curious eyes. ″How do I look, princess? As gorgeous as you did?″

″No no,″ she said lightly and reached for the box to signalise her father to give it back to her.

″Yeah, I'd say so, too,″ he laughed and handed the box back to his daughter who immediately put it back on her head and started to giggle again.

″You're such a silly girl,″ Jay smirked and picked her up into her arms.

″Me?″ Emilia asked.

″Yes you, little Miss Halstead,″ he chuckled and tickled her belly, her laughter finding its way right into his heart.

In some way, spending time with Emilia was so healing, because she was such a happy little munchkin and her happiness was contagious, and it made him realize how blessed they were to have this adorable girl in their lives. But in some other way, it also hurt, because already having a baby, a toddler nowadays, they knew exactly what it was they'd lost.

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″Where's the elephant? Can you show me the elephant?″ Jay asked Emilia when he rested on the couch against some pillows a couple of minutes later, Emmy settled in his lap as they scrolled through a book about the animals of Africa.

″Da,″ she said, da being her current word for there, and pointed at the elephant.

″That's right, princess, you found it,″ he smiled proudly and scrolled a few pages forward to tell her more about this animal. ″The elephant is the biggest animal you find in Africa. And anywhere else in the world. Elephants can get as old as 60 to 70 years and they have huge ears, a long trunk and big tusks. Truly amazing animals, aren't they?″ he asked her rhetorically and scrolled back from the page with the profile of the elephant to the double-paged overview of all steppe animals.

″Now let's see where the lion is. Can you also show me the lion?″

″Da,″ she said and pointed to a hyena.

″Not quite,″ Jay grinned and took her hand to guide it to the right animal. ″That's the lion. He's something like the king of the steppe.″

They continued to play this game for a little while longer, Emilia not getting bored of it and not getting sleepy and tired either today at all, until they got interrupted by the ringing of the doorbell. With Emmy carried on his hip, he went to open the door, as expected finding Rylie and Luke standing in front of it.

″Jay!″ Luke beamed instantly and wrapped his arms around Jay's legs.

″Hey buddy,″ Jay laughed by this jaunty greeting and ran his hand through Luke's blonde hair. He missed having this little, goofy, joyous boy around every day and they first had to get used to Luke not living with them anymore but just staying with them from time to time.

″He adores you so much,″ Rylie grinned and shook her head slightly by the picture of Luke clunging to Jay.

″Can I go and play in my fort?″ Luke asked, looking up at him with expectant eyes.

″Sure,″ Jay confirmed and this little word was all it needed for him to run up the stairs and into the room he still considered his. And truth to be told, it was still his room and for as long as he occasionally stayed with them, it would stay his room and with it, the famous fort would stay as well. ″I'm pretty sure he rather adores his fort than me,″ he laughed.

″Probably,″ she winked. ″We built one in his new room, too, but for whatever reason yours is just so much better.″

″It's just been two weeks that he completely lives with you, Ry,″ Jay smiled. ″In a couple of weeks his fort at home will be the better one.″

″I sure hope so. We improve it almost every day,″ Rylie chuckled.

″You wanna come in for a minute?″ he offered, figuring it was awkward to have a conversation in the doorway.

″Yeah, why not,″ she smiled and followed him inside the house and into the living room.

″How are you doing?″ she asked after they settled on the couch, Emmy again resting in Jay's lap.

″I'm fine,″ he answered and handed Emilia a stuffed animal that lay on the couch and would keep her entertained for the duration of their conversation. ″You slowly learn to move on. Because life goes on. Even though the Earth seems to have stopped turning for you.″

″Yeah,″ Rylie only nodded in response, knowing exactly what he was talking about because after losing Ty she'd felt exactly like this. ″And how's Erin?″

″She's...okay,″ he said vaguely. ″There are good days and bad days. It's a progress and slowly but steady, she's getting better but it's still a long way to go,″ he sighed.

″She's very lucky to have such a strong man in her life,″ Rylie smiled faintly.

″Huh,″ Jay only shrugged in response because that was the thing: he wasn't strong. But when surviving loss and being there for your partner, everyone was quick to tell you how strong you were. But actually, no one had a choice to survive grief, did they? It was not optional. You just had to cry in the shower, sob into your pillow and pray you would make it. And that, exactly that, was what he and Erin have been doing in the last few weeks: trying to heal by surviving the grief. Though the road of healing seemed to be an endless one, one they would most likely never stop walking on.

″Have you been in contact with her lately?″ he changed the topic because it didn't feel right to keep on talking about him being strong when he felt weaker than ever before in his life.

″Yeah, we traded a couple of texts. Because with the summer break and no preschool, things will get a little more complicated now, so she asked Carol whether Luke can stay with her during the day over the summer when I have to work,″ Rylie explained.

″Let me guess, Carol said yes?″ Jay asked with a forced smile.

″She did,″ Rylie grinned. ″So when I have to work during the week, I will bring Luke to Carol in the morning and pick him up in the evening. And in case I have to work the weekends, or during the night on weekdays, he will still stay with you.″

″Sounds like a good solution,″ Jay noticed and let Emmy, who squirmed in his arms because being 16 months old a stuffed animal didn't really provide entertainment anymore, down on the floor so she could walk around and pick up some other toys that were spread around in their living room because making this mess disappear hasn't been his priority today.

″It's not ideal. But it's indeed a good solution for our situation,″ she confirmed. ″And in three weeks, I'll have ten days off, so Luke and I have 10 full days to do lots of cool things,″ she added with a beaming smile.

″That's awesome, he'll be so excited!″

″Maybe we could all go to the zoo together during that time?″

″I'm sure we can work something out,″ he answered with a grin. ″Talking about cool things, would you be fine with us taking Luke to a waterpark tomorrow?″

Since the temperatures were already as summerly, he'd earlier checked what kind of weekend adventure they could do on Saturday and he'd figured that a day at the waterpark with Luke and Emmy was another step back to normality, all the slides hopefully providing them a lot of fun and making them forget all their dark thoughts and sorrows for a couple of hours.

″Jay,″ Rylie smiled, ″you know that you guys don't have to ask something like that, right?″

″I know,″ Jay answered. ″I just don't want to anticipate it in case you want to go there with him during your time off.″

″No worries, Luke will be the very last person to complain about going to the waterpark twice,″ she laughed and watching her for a second, Jay still couldn't believe what an amazing young woman and bright light she's become in the last couple of months. Mainly thanks to Erin's help. And he only wished that he could help Erin in such a way as well in the weeks to come, helping her to find her glow again that made her shine like a ray of sunshine and let every room she walked into light up as much that everyone got blinded.

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Loaded with countless bags and a huge picnic basket, they conquered some waterpark a little outside of Chicago on the next day and spent the following hours with swimming, sliding, playing in the water of the children's pool and relaxing in the shade of the tree where they'd splayed their picnic blankets and towels.

For the first time in weeks everything felt somehow normal, really normal, this adventure providing just the right amount of distraction, and everyone from the outside would think they were a happy little family enjoying this perfect early summer day. Only that Jay, when he saw his wife in a bikini, couldn't hold back some certain thoughts from invading his mind. Thoughts that by now, she would proudly show off her growing baby bump and could most likely already feel their baby move. Only that even though when she smiled or laughed while sliding down the slide with either Luke or Emilia, Jay knew that most of that smile was keeping it together for the kids's sake and that this wasn't her real laugh, her real smile. It was better than nothing but he missed her real, glowing smile and raspy laugh so much, it actually hurt and he wanted nothing more than being able to bring this exact smile and laugh back to her face. Only that there wasn't this special sparkle in her eyes anymore and he still waited for the day it would return, fearing that it might never come back in its full intensity.

″Jay, can we go on the big slide with the tubes?″ Luke asked after sliding down one of the smaller slides for the 10th time in a row. Thanks to his arm floats he could go on the smaller slides for the younger children all by himself though either Jay or Erin were always close by while the other played with Emmy and her toys in the shallow water.

″That one is huge. You really wanna do that?″ Jay asked.

″Yeeeees!″ he beamed and jumped up and down in front of him like a bouncy ball.

″But there's no going back, okay? Once we're up there, we have to take it.″

″Okay,″ Luke nodded eagerly, not being a tad bit scared.

″Alright, then we go on the big slide,″ Jay laughed and took Luke by his hand. ″We'll be back...sometime,″ he told Erin with a chuckle.

″I bet not within the next hour.″ She knew her husband and how he turned into a child in a waterpark like this one, and she knew they would take all of the big slides now and not only one. There was a smile on her lips when she spoke those words out and a tad bit of a teasing undertone in her voice and for the split of a second, Jay's heartbeat doubled its pace because that's the exact banter their relationship was built on, the banter he'd feared they lost. In this moment, for the first time in weeks, he had a feeling that they could make this work: going back to where they once had been. They would make this work. Because next to the deep love they had for each other, their easy banter was still hidden somewhere deep down inside and all they needed was time, not only to heal, but also to learn, to accept, that they were allowed to be flirty and that it was okay to be blithe again even though something was missing. That moving on didn't mean they forgot about their baby. Though of course all of this could only work once the sadness and darkness didn't outweigh everything else anymore and this banter and real smiles weren't just on the spur of the moment. But no one had said that the process of healing would be an easy one.

″Probably,″ he winked back at her before they left and he was sure to see her smile grow when he twinkled at her.

″So Em, what are we going to do now?″ she asked her daughter, who she was carrying on her hip, after watching the boys walking towards the slides. Emilia, their little mermaid, looked absolutely adorable in her colorful bikini and the big sun hat she was wearing.

″Da,″ Emilia said and pointed to one of the smaller slides in the children's pool.

″Of course you want to slide as well,″ she chuckled slightly. ″You're definitely your father's daughter, aren't you?″

They had to take the slide several times as Emilia couldn't get enough. She had an absolute blast sliding down in her mother's lap and so she always wanted more and more and more. Since the sun was really burning, Erin at some point decided that it was better for the both of them to get out of the sun for a while and so they settled on their blankets in the shade while waiting for Jay and Luke to return from their adventure.

″You want something to drink, Emmy?″ Erin asked and offered her daughter the sippy cup with water.

″Yaah pees,″ Emilia answered, using another word she'd learned recently: Please.

″You're such a polite young lady,″ Erin smiled proudly as she handed Emmy the cup, taking a few sips from her own, cooled water as well.

″Da,″ she said once she had enough and handed the almost empty sippy cup back to Erin.

″You were thirsty, weren't you?″ Erin asked and stroked over her daughter's head and her damp hair. ″Do you want to eat some water melon?″

″Yaah,″ Emmy said and reached for the piece of fruit as soon as Erin had grabbed it from their cooling box.

″There you go,″ Erin said, handing one piece to Emmy and taking one for herself.

By the time Emmy had managed to eat her piece all by herself, without any help but of course with her hands being all sticky and some of the juice also all over her body, the boys still weren't back from their trip to the big slides and Erin figured that they probably needed to play the waiting game at each and every slide because they were naturally not the only ones who'd decided to use this picture perfect summer day for a trip to the waterpark.

She took Emmy back to the children's pool, mainly to wash all the sticky stuff from the water melon off, and after playing with some balls in the shallow water for a minute and then picking her up to go to the slide with her again, Emilia only hid her head against her mother's shoulder, letting out some unsatisfied noise.

″You tired, huh?″ Erin asked and kissed her head. ″I guess you better take a nap before you get all cranky and scream the whole waterpark down.″

Instead of sliding countless more times, she went back to all of their blankets and towels and settled her completely beat daughter in her stroller and it said more than enough that Emilia didn't even fight against it. And after pushing it back and forth for not even five minutes, Emilia's eyelids with those long lashes fell close and she was in dreamland, probably dreaming about the adventures of the previous hours.

Erin wasn't alone and without entertainment for too long as Jay and Luke finally returned around ten minutes later, both of them having those beaming, genuine smiles on their faces that let her know they'd had a blast. Erin gave them both something to drink, some sandwiches and water melon from the cooling box and while eating and drinking, Luke talked like a waterfall about all the different slides. It almost seemed like he would never stop and Erin was a little afraid that he would choke on his food if he kept on trying to talk and eat simultaneously.

Since Erin insisted that Luke should better stay out of the sun for a while as the last thing they needed was a kid with a heat stroke, they convinced Luke how much fun it would be to play Uno and to their very surprise, Luke didn't throw a tantrum by not getting what he wanted but accepted their suggestion to play a game. He sure has come a long way as well since last October.

″I'm afraid this is a sign of a heat stroke already,″ Erin murmured into Jay's ear as she looked for the game in their huge bag full of toys.

″It has to be,″ Jay chuckled in response.

The laughters seemed realer than in the last few weeks as they played the game, Jay cracking up when Erin had a plus four that she gave him, but he and Luke had one as well and so she ended up having to take 12 cards and Erin cracking up when the same thing happened the other way around. And it wasn't until she let her gaze wander around after winning a game and Jay and Luke still battling for second and third place, that the little bit of sparkle in her eyes, that has appeared there over the last few hours, went out. Jay recognized that the moment her eyes stayed fixated on something that happened behind him and the way a certain, familiar pain filled her hazel orbs and some bitterness and sadness overshadowed her features, he had a suspicion about what she's seen behind his back.

He turned his head around and followed her gaze, his eyes finding a pregnant woman playing in the children's pool with her toddler. In this moment he not only felt his heart break or ache or getting heavy – or in fact all three of them together - and the entire atmosphere change and not only knew what she was thinking – that this would be her without that fateful day seven weeks ago – but he also knew that every step they took today had been for nothing.

The process of healing: one step forward, two steps back.

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The bedroom was completely dark when Jay woke up in the middle of the night, the curtains blocking the moonlight of the full moon from cascading in. He didn't even have to reach for the other side of the bed to know that it was abandoned because this was the exact reason why he'd woken up as well, feeling that Erin wasn't peacefully sleeping next to him anymore.

When his eyes were finally used to the darkness, he saw the curtain of their french window softly blowing in the wind and throwing his legs over the edge of the bed and padding over the wooden floor and out on the balcony, he found Erin sitting on one of the two comfy chairs, her silhouette illuminated by the moonlight as she gazed up to the stars. He could literally hear her thoughts in the quietness of this June night and they were all dancing around what had happened earlier in the waterpark and how only seeing the pregnant woman and her toddler had changed the day from being one of the best in weeks to any other, usual, painful day they had plenty of these days.

″Knock knock,″ he said softly, not wanting to startle her. She did anyway.

By the sound of his voice she turned her head around to face him. ″Hey.″

″Do you mind if I join?″ he asked and motioned his head to the empty chair. He didn't want to intrude in case she rather wanted to be alone with her thoughts although he knew she shouldn't be.

″No,″ she denied and shook her head.

He took the spot next to her, his hand reaching for hers to squeeze it gently as they both gazed up to the starry sky for a while, no further words being needed as their thoughts and emotions were open books for the other anyway. This beautiful and in this case painful connection still worked, despite the distance that was between them these days.

″I hate to see pregnant women,″ Erin whispered at some point and this honest admission was about the last thing he'd expected, especially since she still tried to avoid talking about the baby. ″I hate how they glow and I hate knowing that they feel their baby move. I simply hate everything about them,″ she said and her voice and lips were trembling. ″And I know this makes me sound like the most awful, horrible and bitter person in the world...but I just can't help it. It feels like a stab in the heart every damn time and I...I hate that they have what I lost.″ In the end her voice broke and it was barely a whisper as she blinked some tears away against the dark sky with all the stars. Including their star. Little H.

″I hate it, too,″ Jay admitted quietly. ″Because I know how much it hurts you.″

She turned her head at that and some single tears rolled down her cheeks as his statement overwhelmed her for a reason she didn't know. Probably because this was the confirmation that he was miserable when she was, so that in fact she was the one putting him through this and if it wasn't for her, he would be fine, at least better. And probably because this statement just showed how much he loved her when she wasn't worth this overwhelming, deep love these days. She swallowed hard to keep a sob down and her voice was shaky when she spoke. ″I wonder whether this feeling will ever go away.″

″Eventually, it will,″ Jay said. ″Probably not completely but it will fade. Just like the pain will decrease but somehow never completely go away. And just like we will make it work to bring all these broken pieces of our hearts back together again but something will always be missing. And that's okay, Er,″ he said, his own voice full of emotions. ″Some things are not supposed to get completely fixed and what we went through is one of them.″

″What if this is something that can never get fixed at all?″ she asked quietly and Jay understood the question behind this question. The unspoken one. What if they couldn't get through this? What if they would hit the point of no-repair?

″Er, we can get through this. Together,″ he answered emphatically. ″There will come a day when we feel like we're actually living again. It will take time. But we have all the time in the world. It doesn't have to be okay tomorrow. It doesn't have to be okay next week. It will take as long as it takes. But I promise you that we will make this work because together we're strong.″

″I feel weak.″

″I know,″ Jay only nodded because he didn't know what else to say and honestly, the words me too were hard to hold back. Because he didn't at all feel strong these days as well but tried his best to be strong for her and their family. ″We will take one step at a time. And you know, I think you sharing your feelings tonight was one of these steps.″

At first, she didn't answer anything, just seemed to consider his words. ″Maybe,″ she then shrugged, not being too convinced and they fell into silence again. Silence that has become familiar in the last few weeks but at least tonight it wasn't a silence that caused more pain.

″Come on, let's go back to bed,″ Jay suggested a couple of minutes later and got up, pulling her up as well but she hesitated almost as if her feet were glued to the tiles of their balcony.

″Jay.″ Her voice sounded shy and nervous as she spoke out his name and the request that followed was barely even a whisper. ″Will you maybe just hold me for a minute?″

And just like this, the day took another one-eighty turn. Back to one of the best days in weeks.

The process of healing: It really were the little things.

″Nope,″ he shook his head while he simultaneously wrapped his arms around her to pull her into his embrace. With a smile on his face he kissed her hair and murmured: ″I will hold you for two.″

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They didn't fall asleep snuggled up in each other's arms but with holding hands. Which was something. Something that felt right. However, in the morning when the sun rose to herald another beautiful summer day, Erin woke up all alone anyway. Because Jay'd been called to a crime scene at 5.30am which meant she would probably not see him before the evening. Even on a Sunday, the maniacs in this city didn't stop with committing crimes that required Chicago's best unit to be on scene, foiling everyone's weekend plans, so they were glad that they'd already been at the waterpark on the previous day to have at least some kind of family weekend.

As it was another sunny, warm day, it wasn't too difficult to keep Luke and Emilia entertained, so after breakfast and their usual morning chaos with two kids that had too much energy, she put some drinks, apple pieces and cookies into the diaper bag as she wanted to take those two rascals – or three in fact, counting Crispin in – to the nearby playgroud where they could skylark all morning.

″Luke, could you please come?″ she called up the stairs as she put Emmy her little sandals on. Luke was still in his room, as always spending as much time as possible in his fort. This was another reason why Erin wanted to spend at least the morning at the playground. If they stayed here, Luke would hide in his fort all day and wouldn't go outside for a minute, even though their garden provided a kiddie pool, a swing and a sandbox. The obsession this kid had with its fort was definitely not healthy.

″I guess we're ready, Em,″ she smiled and picked her daughter up into her arms so she could settle her in the stroller. Emilia looked absolutely adorable in her romper with a floral, summerly pattern, the perfect outfit for a hot summer day, some strands of her quite long, light brown hair pinned back with a hair clip. ″Now we only have to wait for Luke. Isn't that fun?″

″Lu Lu,″ Emilia giggled. It was fascinating to witness how Emilia's variety of words increased almost every day and how she constantly surprised them with being able to say new words and tried to repeat the words they'd just said.

″Exactly, your Luke is still hiding in his fort,″ she sighed and in the moment she wanted to call for him again – experience with this situation had taught her that she needed to call him at least three times – the doorbell was ringing which interrupted her intention.

″Who could that be?″ she frowned, not expecting any visitor, the postman or the delivery guy.

″Mama go,″ Emilia said and pointed to the door.

″No worries bug, I will go and open the door,″ she chuckled slightly by Emmy's clear request.

With Emmy on her hip she took the few steps to open the door and the person she found standing on the porch was about the last person she'd expected to see again. And seeing the shock that reflected from the face she stared into as if it was the mirror of her own face, she quickly came to the conclusion that this was mutual...

Thanks for reading, I hope you liked it. Please leave a review and let me know what you think. Thanks :-)