92. Where There's Smoke, There's Fire

I'm so incredibly sorry for not updating in almost a month! I always said I want to update at least every two weeks but recently life has just been crazily busy and in between work and private stuff, writing came just way too short (and believe when I tell you I don't like it this way - I'd love to scrawl all my ideas down 24/7 but unfortunately it's just not working like this at the moment). I hope everything will slow down a bit soon because this story is far from being told and I know exactly what'll happen and how this story will end someday. So no worries, I do not plan on ending it anytime soon, as long as you're in, I am as well, it might just take a little more time ;-)

Enough said, here comes the chapter you all had to wait quite a bit for...

92. Where There's Smoke, There's Fire

″Allie,″ Erin breathed out in confusion as her eyes scanned the woman with the porcelaneous face and the long blonde hair. She was pale, her blue eyes sad and tired, dark circles under her eyes and she didn't look too good in general. But neither did Erin these days, so that was something they had in common.

″Erin,″ Allie managed to say, her eyes falling on the toddler Erin was carrying on her hip. She had no idea whether Jay and Allie have had any contact in the last couple of years because honestly, this was something she didn't care about – Jay could trade messages with whomever he wanted to trade messages with because she trusted him with her life in each and every situation and she wasn't the kind of wife who would prohibit him to stay in touch with his ex highschool love – but as she saw Allie's face dropping by the realization that this had to be Jay's kid, she sensed that there probably has been exactly zero contact in at least two years.

″I didn't know you live here,″ Allie smiled sheepishly. ″I was actually looking for Jay,″ she offered as an explanation for her unexpected visit. Not that this was something Erin hasn't figured out on her own.

″Yeah, I bet you're not here for me,″ Erin raised her eyebrows at her. In fact, Erin didn't even know how much more Allie knew about her other than her name and that she had always been Jay's partner at work. And just because she trusted Jay didn't mean she trusted Allie, so her tone was rather unfriendly and cold.

″Uhm...yeah,″ Allie stammered nervously. ″I went to his old apartment and was told that he moved to a different apartment over one-and-a-half years ago. So I went to this other apartment and there I was told he moved to the suburbs last year. I uhm...I had no idea Jay is married and has a baby,″ she said, motioning her hand awkwardly at Emilia and Erin was sure to hear the unspoken 'married with you' and 'has a baby with you'.

″You thought a guy like Jay stays alone forever?″ Erin asked and her voice wasn't exactly friendly but rather challenging. ″And anyway, I'm pretty sure you saw that on his Facebook and knew about it.″ Her tone was snappy and she knew jumping on this allegation wasn't fair. Especially because she could tell by Allie's face that she's had absolutely no idea about the things that've happened in Jay's life in the last few years. She could read people's faces after all. That was what she did for a living.

″I don't have Facebook, so no, I didn't know,″ Allie answered casually but she couldn't seem to take her eyes away from the toddler. ″What's her name?″

″Emilia,″ Erin answered her question shortly. She really didn't want to extend this small-talk in any way and she was curious to know why Allie was here, why she's come here all the way from Phoenix. Especially since her parents had moved to Phoenix soon after Lonnie Rodiger had been killed as they had finally been able to move on and leave the house that had been their family home. So she actually had no connections to Chicago anymore.

″That's a beautiful name.″

″Yeah, Jay and I thought so, too,″ Erin shrugged. ″Allie, why are you here?″ she then asked bluntly, not wanting to talk around the crunchpoint of this visit any longer.

″I uhm...I need to talk with Jay. Is he home?″ she asked back.

″No, he's at work.″

″On a Sunday?″ Allie frowned.

″Well, the criminals in this city don't care about the weekday they commit a crime and that they rob us off our weekends with it,″ Erin noticed all dry as she heard Luke trampling down the stairs.

Before Allie could answer anything, Luke literally jumped into the picture, exclaiming: ″We can go!″

For the short moment Erin's gaze was still focused on Allie's she could see her face drop even more and furthermore see how the blonde woman was immediately doing the math, trying to figure out whether there was the possibility that Jay'd had two women at the same time for a short time. Whether he'd also had an affair with Erin when he'd slept with her all those years back. And Erin, who of course knew about this short intermezzo – not only because it had been obvious but because Jay'd told her about it at some point - wanted to jump in her face for even considering that Jay was capable of doing something like this.

″Put on your shoes, use the restroom again even if you don't think you have to, wash your hands, bring Crispin's leash and then we can go, okay?″ she asked Luke with a smile and ran her hand through his unruly blonde hair.

″Okay,″ Luke nodded eagerly and ran towards the bathroom.

″That was Luke. Our foster son,″ Erin said, making sure to emphasize the word enough to let Allie know that she knew exactly what she'd just thought.

″Ouh,″ Allie breathed out, her cheeks blushing a little. ″Wow. That's really...impressive. But...uhm...I guess I better go then. I'm sorry I showed up unannounced...it was stupid,″ she stammered and turned around faster than Erin could say anything as if she was in a rush out of a sudden.

″Hey Allie, wait,″ Erin called and she rolled her eyes by her own reaction although she was doing the right thing.

″What?″ she asked as she turned around again, already being halfway down the few steps.

″Leave me your number and I will tell Jay that you were here.″

″Why would you do that?″ Allie frowned and Erin couldn't blame her for being confused and surprised because so far her attitude hasn't indicated that she was in any way interested in helping Allie to meet Jay.

″Because you came all the way from Phoenix. And I don't care why, that's none of my business, but I can tell that it's important. For you and probably for Jay as well. And whatever is important for Jay is important for me. So just leave me your number and tell me where you stay and I will pass him those infos.″

″Thank you,″ Allie whispered and not only by the sound of her voice but also by the tears looming in her eyes, Erin could tell that she was truly thankful.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

Jay returned from work in the late afternoon, finding Erin, Luke, Emilia and Crispin in the garden, Luke jumping on the trampoline they'd bought recently and Emilia cruising through the grass on her Bobbycar. Their case had turned out not to be a particular complicated one and after some short investigations, they'd already tied all the loose ends up and Hank had sent them home as they could easily do all the paperwork tomorrow.

Erin sat on the steps that led from the patio into their garden, Crispin lying next to her with his head resting on her thighs as they both watched the kids occupying themselves, a homemade smoothie in her hand.

″Hey babe,″ he said when he sat down next to her.

″Hey,″ she smiled faintly and gave him a quick kiss that was nothing more but a peck.

″Dada!″ Emilia exclaimed excitedly when she spotted her father sitting on the steps and she left her little car behind to run towards him.

″Hey bug,″ he smiled brightly and picked her up to settle her in her lap. ″Did you miss me today?″

″No,″ Emmy giggled and snuggled closer against his chest.

″She's probably as bad of a liar as you are,″ Erin chuckled.

″Hey, at least something this kid's got from me,″ he laughed.

″Yeah,″ she grinned at him and Emmy, her favorite duo.

″Mama,″ Emilia said and reached for the smoothie in Erin's hand.

″You wanna try that?″ Erin asked and handed her daughter the smoothie.

″There you go,″ Jay said, holding the glass for her so she could take some sips through the straw.

″Do you like it?″ Erin asked and Emilia nodded her head in response as she was too occupied with drinking.

″How was your day?″ Jay then asked Erin.

″The usual madness,″ she shrugged and bit her lips with her teeth as she contemplated whether she should already tell him about Allie or first really let him come home and enjoy some moments with his daughter and Luke. She quickly decided to do it right here and right now because what's done was done. ″I had an unexpected visitor today...real strange encounter...″

″Huh?″ he furrowed a brow, his curiosity all visible. ″Who was it?″

″Allie,″ she answered his question casually, waiting for his reaction.

″Allie?″ he frowned and apparently he was either making sure he's heard right or he didn't know who she was talking about.

″Your highschool flame Allie,″ Erin chuckled.

″What?″ he uttered and it seemed like only now the information was settling. ″What on earth would Allie do here?″

″I don't know, Jay,″ she admitted honestly. ″But it seemed to be important. She's staying at the Sheraton Hotel in downtown until tomorrow morning and I think you should go and see her.″

″Did she say anything?″ he dug deeper.

″No,″ she denied. ″But I didn't ask for her reasons of being here. She just seemed rattled...and...I think something happened that made her fly all the way from Phoenix to Chicago so she can tell you in person.″

When speaking this thought out loud, this thought that has swirled through her mind ever since Allie had left, she had no idea how right and close to the truth she was.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

Jay only took a quick shower to wash all the dirt and sweat from work off and they then decided to all go to downtown together so they could have a nice family dinner later and end their day with a stroll along Chicago's famous lakefront for the first time in months. He dropped Erin, Luke, Emilia and Crispin off in the heart of downtown from where the four of them strolled to Navy Pier, where they took some rides on the carousel and one with the Centennial wheel while Jay met his ex highschool girlfriend at her hotel.

Since going to some restaurant with two kids was never something truly enjoyable, they all just took something to go from the food lounge at Navy Pier as soon as Jay was back and then walked to the farthest point of Navy Pier to settle on some bench and eat their unusual dinner in the evening sun. Making sure that neither Luke nor Emmy caused a complete mess with their food was quite the challenge and they didn't have the chance to talk about Allie and her reasons of being in Chicago until they later strolled all the way from Navy Pier to the Planetarium.

Jay pushed the empty stroller as they walked side by side, Emilia and Luke walking in front of them with Crispin, both of them proudly holding the leash. But it wasn't him who started talking, it was her. Ever since returning, Jay's seemed absent, like his mind was at some different place, his eyes empty and his voice beat and Erin could tell that whatever Allie had told him wasn't good news.

″So, what did Allie want?″ she asked carefully as they walked along the lakefront and next to Chicago's impressive skyline.

″It's uhm...it's her dad...,″ he said, his gaze focused on the lake and all the sailing boats in front of them. ″He...he was diagnosed with brain cancer a couple of months ago and they thought he could beat it...but they were wrong.″ He had to swallow hard, his emotions threatening to take the better of him. ″He was always like a father to me, you know, when I was a teenager and my own father was anything but the man I looked up to. So she came to tell me that he only has a couple of weeks left...maybe days,″ he said and inhaled a deep breath. ″And she asked me to come with her to Phoenix to say goodbye.″

″So you will fly to Phoenix with her tomorrow?″ she asked, her voice soft and quiet.

″Uhm no,″ he answered and looked at her for the first time since their conversation's started. ″I told her that I can't leave my family right now,″ he said meaningfully and of course Erin understood what he meant. That with what had happened in the last few weeks, he didn't want to leave his family because their life was still far away from being back to normal and everything was still fragile, yesterday's happenings at the waterpark being the best proof for that. He didn't want to go because he knew she needed him to be there, even though she hasn't admitted that thus far.

″Jay,″ she whispered and placed her hand atop his. ″I'm not holding you back-″

″I know,″ he interrupted her. ″I know you don't. But it just doesn't feel right to leave now.″

″It'll only be a couple of days. And I will be alright, okay?″ she asked as her hand traveled up to cup his cheek and stroke over his stubbles softly. ″I will be alright,″ she repeated her words emphatically and when she pressed her lips against his in a kiss that was so much more than just a peck, a kiss that was electrifying and felt like coming home, he knew she would.

Their kiss ended too quick for his liking anyway and when she looked at him afterwards, her eyes had one of the softest expressions he's ever seen, those angel eyes being all he focused on when she whispered: ″I don't wanna be the reason that you can't say goodbye to the man who was your father-figure when you had none.″

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

It was while Jay was gone, when for the first time in weeks, Erin felt ready for an evening with two of her best friends, Rylie and Kim, as the loneliness and isolation she'd appreciated since the day of her miscarriage suddenly felt wrong. While resting on the couch all alone and the TV providing entertainment, the thought of an evening with the girls brought a smile to her face and that was the moment she realized that she was ready for company again.

She texted them right away, asking them whether they wanted to come over on the next day, Wednesday evening, for a girl's night, since Jay would only come home on Thursday evening. And although she's been the worst friend possible in the last few weeks, they didn't let her down and texted back that they were in within five minutes.

And so Kim and Rylie came to the Halstead house on Wednesday evening, which unfortunately turned out to be a rainy one with a huge thunderstorm that foiled their plans of a nice evening on the patio with some wine and snacks. Due to the weather, they settled on the couch, snacks and wine provided anyway, so they could later watch a movie.

″I'm glad you two came...although I was a horrible friend in the last few weeks,″ Erin said quietly as they all held their glasses to clink them.

″Erin, there's nothing you have to apologize for,″ Kim said honestly.

″Kim's right,″ Rylie agreed. ″But this is to our reunion anyway,″ she smiled and raised her glass.

″To our reunion,″ Erin and Kim echoed simultaneously as they all clinked their glasses and took some sips from the cool, white wine.

The moment Erin saw the beautiful, shiny ring on Kim's finger though, she was sure that this wine was the last thing she would ever drink as she choked on the beverage which resulted in some heavy coughs caused by the liquid going down the wrong way. Of course Kim knew immediately what she'd picked up on and smiled sheepishly. This ring was too bright and shiny to oversee it.

″Adam popped the question?″ she croaked when she was more or less able to speak again.

″Uh...yeah,″ Kim smirked and her cheeks blushed. ″Two weeks ago actually. When we made a weekend trip to Toronto and the Niagara Falls.″

″About damn time,″ Erin chuckled. ″Why didn't he walk into the bullpen like a champion on the Monday after?″

″Well, we decided to keep this to ourselves for a little while. Just because last time our engagement ended as such a mess. No one other than our families knows and I don't wear my ring at work. But tonight I thought it was the right time to tell my best friend,″ she smiled at Erin.

″Kim,″ Erin whispered emotionally and wrapped her arms around the brunette. ″I am so so so happy for you,″ she said and really meant it with all her heart. ″Congratulations.″

″Congratulations, Kim,″ Rylie grinned and hugged her after Erin.

″Thank you,″ Kim smiled brightly.

″So when's the big day?″ Erin asked.

″Well, we're a little late for a summer wedding now but we don't want to wait another year as a long engagement was what broke our necks last time,″ she chuckled. ″So we will buck the trend and marry on December 1st.″

″It doesn't matter whether it's winter or summer because it will be the best day of your life no matter what,″ Erin smiled. ″Jay and I, we wouldn't have waited until July if it wasn't for me wanting to get back in shape after Emmy's birth and wanting my body to look perfect for the only day I would ever wear a wedding dress,″ she laughed. It was still not her real, famous Erin-laugh. But it was a laugh. ″And I think 1st December is a great date.″

″Yeah, I like it, too,″ Kim smirked. ″There are lots of things rolling already but there's one thing...and I know you have a lot on your plate, Erin...″ she stammered and Erin tried to make sense of her half-finished sentences. ″But I wanted to ask you whether you will be my bridesmaid.″

″There's nothing I'd rather do,″ Erin immediately smiled back at her friend. ″So yes, I want to be your bridesmaid and I will stand right next to you on your special day.″

″This means the world to me,″ Kim said as they hugged each other again. ″Do you think Emmy wants to be my flowergirl? And probably Luke my flowerboy?″

″I can't speak for Emmy but I think Luke would love to do that,″ Rylie smiled. ″You know he loves all the attention.″

″In case you're prepared for a possible chaos I think Emmy would love to be your flowergirl,″ Erin laughed.

They kept on talking about the proposal and the upcoming wedding and Erin really liked the prospect of being distracted with her friend's wedding planning in the next few weeks and months because every kind of distraction was a welcome one. Eventually they moved on to talk about other things, like the zumba class where Erin's presence has been tremendously missed and when they asked her whether she wanted to join again because it wasn't the same without her, she agreed on coming back soon, probably already next week.

The movie they watched later, while the thunderstorm slowly disappeared into the distance, was a typical feminist movie they'd all already seen countless times but could still watch anytime: Dirty Dancing. And it was half an hour into the film when Erin remembered how this had been Camille's favorite film and how they'd watched it several times, how they'd even danced along before her insidious illness had taken away all her strength, and it was one certain memory that stood out. The one when they'd watched the movie for the very last time, a couple of days before Camille Voight had passed away and heaven gained an angel.

″Something important?″ The rough voice of her partner, her mentor in fact, made her look up from the text message on her phone to him. Bernardo Alonso, a man most people and young cops were afraid of. She wasn't. Over the past two years that she's mainly worked with him and she'd been able to crack him and she truly appreciated every day that she was allowed to work with him. He was great police, knew exactly how to handle the Southside and he's taught her more than she'd learned at the Academy. Working the beat with him was her education and it was better than any college class, not only because thanks to him she understood the Spanish language now and could now even communicate in a different language than English.

″Uhm, just Hank,″ Erin answered, shoving her phone back into the pocket of the jacket of her patrol uniform.

″So it was important,″ the older cop more stated than asked, his eyes focused on the road as they drove through a neighborhood on the Southside.

″Yeah,″ Erin admitted. ″He wants to take Justin to the Cubs game tonight and asked me whether I can come to their house and take care of Camille. She can't be left alone but Justin could really use some distraction.″

″I understand,″ Alonso answered. Everyone knew about the condition of Hank Voight's wife, mainly because Hank hasn't worked overtime in weeks so he could be at home with his sick wife in the evenings while during the day nurses took care of her, and everyone knew that it was just a matter of time now. ″What did you tell him?″

″Nothing so far. I mean our shift just started so I wouldn't be able to be at Hank's house before 10 tonight and that's too late. But I can't bring myself to tell him, so I postpone it until later,″ she shrugged.

″Erin,″ Alonso said and pulled over to park the car on the side of the street. ″You pull that phone out of your pocket now and text him back. And you won't text him that you can't come but that you will be there at 6pm.″

″That's in three hours,″ Erin frowned.

″Exactly,″ Alonso nodded. ″And I will be the one to take care that you're there in time.″

Whether it was the glance in his eyes or his words that overwhelmed her she didn't know but she had a whole lot of trouble to keep her tears at bay. ″Thank you,″ she whispered and was glad that she could turn her attention to her phone and the message she was typing or she would otherwise really start to cry in front of her mentor.

The tears came in the evening, when she saw Camille Voight for the first time in three days and had to realize how much she's changed and how much weaker and closer to death she looked compared to some short three days ago. The doctors weren't even talking about weeks anymore. Just days. And she desperately wished it were days and not hours because she didn't want to be alone with her when it happened.

″Hey Erin,″ Camille smiled faintly when she recognized her pseudo-daughter standing in the doorway of her bedroom that was actually the guest room that they'd transformed into Camille's bedroom.

″Hey,″ Erin smiled back and sat down on the edge of Camille's hospital bed for home care. ″I heard we have a girl's night tonight.″

″We do,″ Camille nodded. Her bright blue eyes were glazed over, some side-effect of the morphine she was constantly on and that made her last days bearable. ″You look beautiful today,″ she smiled and brought her hand up to stroke over Erin's hair and cheek.

″I don't,″ she blushed. ″The Southside robbed all my energy again today.″

″Sometimes I still can't believe you're a cop.″

″One day I'll be a Detective,″ Erin said with a huge amount of determination in her voice. That was her dream, her goal. To become a Detective. One hell of a Detective in fact. To bring even more justice to the streets. Just like Hank.

″I know you will,″ Camille smiled sadly, not speaking out what they both knew: that she wouldn't be there on the special day in a couple of years when the superintendent would give her her brandnew Detective-badge.

″Anyway,″ Erin breathed out, trying her best to shake these thoughts, about Camille leaving them soon, off. ″I thought we could watch our favorite film.″

″I think that's a great idea,″ Camille smiled tiredly.

Erin put the DVD in and lay down next to Camille, wrapping her arm protectively around the only woman she would ever consider her mother. They mostly watched the movie in silence, both of them knowing that this was the last time they would watch it together, and the silence was only interrupted when Camille asked Erin whether she could give her her glass with water so she could take some sips through the straw.

They hummed along with the songs and as always said some of the dialogues, that they knew by heart, along with the actors. In the end, silent tears were streaming down Erin's face. And Camille's as well. That was it. The last time they'd shared this precious moment.

″We could watch it again next week,″ Erin whispered, wiping her tears away with her hand and being in complete denial that there was a huge likelihood that this had been the last time of them sharing this wonderful mother-daughter moment.

″Erin,″ Camille said. ″We both know that next week will most likely not come for me.″

″Maybe you're beating the odds,″ she sobbed and although she was 23 years old she wasn't embarrassed by one single of her tears. ″Maybe you have a couple more months. I don't want you to go, Camille. You were the first person that showed me that mothers can be selfless and loving and caring... and I...I just can't lose you.″

″My sweet girl,″ Camille cried. ″You are the daughter we never thought we would get. You were the answer to our prayers, the piece of us that has been missing. You are the strongest girl I know and I know you will be strong for my boys once I'm gone. They will need you.″

″I'm not strong, Camille.″

″You are. Believe me,″ she whispered and kissed Erin's hair soothingly. ″You know, sometimes I wish I would have listened to my body better. Would have followed my intention that after so many miscarriages, there had to be something wrong with my uterus. If they had diagnosed it earlier...″ Her voice broke as she was shaken by another heavy sob. ″Promise me...promise me that when you one day have the slightest feeling that something could be wrong with your body, you will go and see a doctor. Promise me you won't stop bugging them until they made every test possible. Because usually, where there's smoke, there's fire.″

With the tears still running down her cheeks like a river, she nodded and whispered: ″I promise.″

They watched the film again that evening. And Camille Voight joined the stars six days later when she died in the presence of her family.

Erin had the feeling that her stomach turned as she remembered these final moments with Camille and one of their last conversations and suddenly, she just wanted to be alone again, in the isolation of her bedroom. Because she was about to freak out. This was how it had started with Camille: with miscarriages. With her body not being able to carry a baby to term after a first successful pregnancy. Her miscarriages had been the first sign that something was wrong with her uterus but no one had figured that out back then. They'd only figured it out when it was too late already and no one could really help her anymore.

The air threatend to get stuck in her throat and the knots in her stomach tightened when she wondered whether her miscarriage was also her body trying to tell her something. What if it had a reason after all and wasn't just fate? What if she was having a dangerous or even deadly disease as well? What if it would be too late for her as well and she could never see her daughter grow up? Could not attend her first day at school, be there the first time a boy picked her up for a date and couldn't see her in her dress on the night of her prom? What if her miscarriage was a crystal clear sign that something was terribly wrong with her uterus or her health?

The movie continued without her paying any attention to it and she barely recognized when it was over. Only Kim saying that she would go now and Rylie asking whether she could let Luke sleep in the bedroom upstairs and sleep in the guest room tonight as well brought her back to reality. Even though her mind was preoccupied with the thoughts that she had to go to Chicago Med first thing in the morning, she managed to answer Rylie's question with yes and was able to say goodbye to Kim.

She was glad – though glad was not really the right word in this case - when she was alone in her bedroom though her thoughts were asking the same what-if questions in one never-ending circle and there was no sleep coming that night.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

The days in Phoenix had been hard. Some of the hardest in his life for sure. He was glad that he'd been able to say goodbye to Denny and to be there for Gail, who'd always treated him like a son. No one knew whether Allie's dad had only a couple days left or a couple of weeks but what they all knew was that there was no chance of healing and that saying goodbye to him this morning had been a goodbye forever.

Being back in the familiar streets of Chicago now, he felt a lot better, the thought of seeing Erin and Emmy again being enough to make him smile. In the plane earlier, he'd even thought about a possible summer vacation. They haven't talked about this since losing their baby but with the way things have progressed in the last few days before he'd left for Phoenix it was maybe the right time to bring a possible trip to the cabin up. A couple of days away from everything, in the wilderness of Northern Wisconsin, the place they both loved so much. Some family downtime sounded beyond appealing right now and it could for sure take their minds off and help them to heal even more.

And after landing, when he'd turned his flight mode off, he'd gotten more good news as the screen of his phone flashed up with a new message from Will. It had been a photo of Natalie's hand, the ring of their mother perfectly resting on her finger, the photo captioned with the words: she said yes. His big brother would marry. He still couldn't believe it but damn was he happy for him. He couldn't wait to hug him once they were back from their trip to Cancun. And he couldn't wait to tell Erin about these news that Will and Natalie would soon tie the knot.

Finally some good news. After so many bad ones.

Entering their house after finally making it through rush hour, it was as late that Emilia was most likely already sleeping, the quietness in the house confirming this suspicion. He left his carry-on bag in the hallway and quickly took his shoes off before he walked into the living room, where he expected Erin to relax on the couch with the TV running. But the room was empty and dark and so he figured that she had to be in their bedroom, watching TV there.

He walked up the stairs and opening the door of their bedroom, his heart sunk to his knees by the picture he was provided with and he felt hot and cold and taken back in time all at once. Erin was sitting on the bed, her knees pulled into her chest and her arms wrapped around them. But this wasn't what made him feel like he was stepping back in time to a couple of weeks ago. It was the empty, almost lifeless look in her eyes. The look he knew too well because it had been her steady companion for weeks after losing the baby. Only recently some very very tiny sparks had returned into her eyes. But now there was nothing. And he knew in this moment, when she didn't even realize that he was standing there because she wasn't a part of this world right now and was only surrounded by darkness, that something had happened that's shattered her world to the core. Again. That the bad news would just keep coming.

″Erin,″ he whispered carefully but there was no reaction coming from her.

″Hey babe,″ he said a little louder and crossed the room to sit down next to her and make his presence known.

″Er,″ he said more emphatically, placing his hand on her leg, and finally, there was a reaction. She didn't startle or pull her leg away, she just slowly turned her head to him and the amount of pain and sadness that reflected from her hazel orbs made all the healed pieces of his heart break again. And her current state of mind was as scary that a part of him didn't even want to know what was going on. Because he wasn't sure whether he would be able to manage any more bad news, whether he could possibly take any more bad news at all. Or whether whatever it was that had ruined the whole process of healing and had brought her back to square one, was something that would simply push him over the edge as well.

″What's going on?″ he asked and as much as he tried, he couldn't hide the nervousness in his voice.

″Is one going to be enough?″ Her lips moved slowly and her voice was faint and didn't sound like Erin at all.

″What?″ Jay uttered, being confused what she was talking about.

″Is one going to be enough?″ she asked once more, unshed tears looming in her eyes as those words left her lips for a second time.

″One what?″ he frowned.

″One baby,″ she breathed out and took her gaze away from him again to stare at some spot on the wall.

″I still don't know...-″

″Yesterday,″ she interrupted him, ″when the girls were here, we watched Dirty Dancing and I remembered the day when Camille and I watched that film for the last time before she died...″ she said and inhaled a deep breath, Jay scanning her sternly. He wished he had any idea where she wanted to go with this but he was absolutely clueless and this made him beyond anxious.

″I remembered how she told me that she had so many...miscarriages... but no doctor picked ever up on that. No one saw the connection and figured out that something was terribly wrong with her...″ She whispered towards the end and couldn't hold back one single tear from falling. ″She told me how she wished she would've recognized it earlier herself because usually where there's smoke, there's fire. So I started to wonder whether maybe...″ her voice trailed off.

Jay could feel his stomach turn by her words. ″Babe, the doctor told us that there was no reason for the miscarriage. You're not sick, okay?″ he asked and squeezed her leg gently.

″No,″ she shook her head and inhaled another deep breath, still abstaining from looking at him. ″I went to see Dr Hanson this morning and wanted her to do every test possible to make sure that there's nothing wrong with me that would in a couple of years turn out to be something very serious. I spent the whole day there...and in the end, I got answers...″ Her voice trailed off once again and Jay had the feeling that he was close to a heartattack and throwing up because he knew Dr Hanson had found something.

″Er, what did she say?″ he asked quietly, not only his voice full of fear but also his eyes and he could feel his heart beating in his throat.

″Remember how I told you how I'm not allowed to be happy and how my past always comes back to haunt me?″ she asked rhetorically and turned her head back to face him. ″The abortion that I had when I was fifteen...apparently there was some damage done to my uterus,″ she swallowed down a sob. ″Emilia...she's a miracle...″ she whispered before she reluctantly dropped the bomb that shattered Jay's world again and both their worlds were broken into so many pieces by now that it equalled a mission impossible to put them back together. ″Because my...my uterus is as unstable that the chances of the fetus surviving the first trimester are 15%.″

Damage, uterus, miracle, 15%, first trimester, those were the words that rang in his head, that sent his world spining as he tried to make sense of what she'd just said, as his mind tried to process the news she's just given him and he decided this had to be one of these nightmares, probably the worst of all of them. Is one gonna be enough? Suddenly this question made sense. Because one was all they would ever get as they would most likely not risk going through this heartbreak of a miscarriage again when chances were only 15%.

″And probably you should be with someone who can give you all the kids...like Allie...″ Her sobs pulled him out of his daze, of his thoughts swirling through his mind as fast that he was all dizzy.

″One is all we need,″ he interrupted her, those words leaving his mouth all by themselves, and he cupped her cheek with his hand to wipe away the tears. Beyond the shock and sadness about these news, about this new cruelty they had to face, and probably because right now he was still in denial that this was what life had in store for them, he knew exactly what he wanted to tell her. ″A couple of weeks ago, I told you that when I promised you all these things in my vows, I was counting on forever. And this doesn't change our forever, Erin. You and Emmy, you're all I ever need. And one is fine. It's enough.″

She wanted to believe his words, she really wanted, but she knew how much he's always wanted to have another child. Knew that right now he was hiding his heartbreak away in order to give her comfort and tell her what she needed to hear. Knew that these news haven't really settled with him so far. Knew that he was in denial as much as she was. Knew that this was her fault and that he was paying the price for something she'd done 18 years ago.

Ever since the miscarriage she'd told herself that she never wanted to try for a baby again but now being robbed of the chance of having another baby, she realized that even after all the heartbreak that they've been through, the wish to add another one to their brood would eventually have outweighed her plans of never wanting to try again. And now fate punched her in the gut for a countless time by not even giving her a chance to consider to try again at some point.

"One day you will wake up and realize that I kept you from something you've always wanted," she whispered.

"Er, I already have everything I've always wanted. And that's you," he said. "And Emmy. You two are my life and nothing's ever going to change that."

Jay wrapped his strong arms around her, her tears immediately soaking through the fabric of his shirt as she hid her head against his chest. And although she couldn't see him, she knew he was crying as well. Because she could feel it. How he was trying to hold it together but she felt how his body was involuntarily shaking sometimes and how his tears fell into her hair. Right now they were standing at the cliff together. And if they didn't have each other, they would probably jump. And all because of her. Because of the decision she'd made a lifetime ago, the decision she was paying the price for now. The price not only she had to pay, but the man in whose arms she found solace, as well. When he was the very last person who deserved to pay such a high price.

″I love you,″ he murmured into her hair as if he knew exactly what she needed to hear. And probably he did. ″I love you. I love you.″

She lifted her head and looked at him, and Jay was sure despite everything they've been through, this was the most fragile and vulnerable glance she's ever allowed him to see. ″Still?″ she whispered.

″More.″

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

In the days that followed it was like walking on eggshells around each other again, every move being cautiously made as those news and the clear consequences that came with it were a setback. All the little steps they'd taken before were somehow gone now as the distance returned and they were back at square one when it came to rebuilding their life and finding easiness, levity and happiness again. Three things that right now seemed to be on an entire different planet that was probably not reachable anytime soon.

Even a week after Erin's diagnosis, Jay still hasn't told her about his idea of spending a couple of days at the cabin. It hasn't felt right. And if he was being honest with himself, he didn't expect her to get all excited about a trip to Wisconsin and he probably just wanted to protect himself from her possible reaction. Holding her one week ago, and telling her he loved her, had been the closest he's gotten to her. Ever since, she was walling herself off again and they were back at keeping it together for Emilia. He knew she was still blaming herself for this, had the feeling that she'd robbed him of something because it was her fault that they couldn't have another child, felt like a letdown and could therefore not bear him being close. She of course hadn't told him that. But he knew. He knew his wife and he knew exactly what was going on inside of her, probably better than she did herself.

He had, however, told her about Will's and Natalie's engagement, because this was something he couldn't keep for himself as those news would travel fast and as there was a big engagement party on the last weekend of June, a little over a week after their latest heartbreak. He'd been able to convince her to attend the party as well and so they'd both put on their brave faces for a couple of hours. Erin's always been good at pretending and the afternoon at Will's and Natalie's place proved no different. From the outside everything seemed almost normal. And the little bit that seemed off could still get ascribed to their loss.

″Lots of weddings coming up in the next few months,″ Erin mentioned in the evening after coming home, when they strolled through their neighborhood with Crispin and Emmy, the latter being as beat from playing with Owen all afternoon that she rather wanted to sit in her stroller today.

″Yeah,″ Jay agreed. ″Izzie and Paul in late October, Kim and Adam in December and Will and Natalie in April," he noticed and continued after a few seconds as if he had to contemplate his next words. "And you know what's coming up in four weeks?″

Of course she did. As if she would ever forget that date. Or their anniversary in general. ″You mean on 29 July?″ she asked and there were actual hints of a smile on her face.

″Uh-huh,″ Jay smiled back. ″If I suggested to go out for some fancy dinner that night, would you be in?″ Was it ridiculous or ridiculous that he had to ask his wife whether she wanted to go out to celebrate their first anniversary? It was ridiculous. But it was the pace they were going with these days. One foot in front of the other. Slowly but steady.

″I guess I would like that,″ she smiled shyly and to Jay it almost seemed like she found it as ridiculous as he did.

″Great. I'll find us some nice place to go then,″ he said with a wink before they fell into silence again though compared to previous days and weeks, it's a comfortable one.

″If I...,″ Jay said when they rounded the corner of their street a couple of minutes later, finding confidence in their previous, short conversation. ″If I suggested to go to the cabin for a couple of days in August, would you be in as well?″

She seemed to consider his words for a minute and then placed her hand on his arm, which made him stop walking and pushing the stroller. ″I would love that,″ she answered with a faint smile and gave him a short peck.

″Perfect,″ he grinned like a kid on Christmas morning and leaned down to give her a short kiss as well.

They both had small smiles on their faces when they arrived in front of their house but those smiles turned into a frown when they saw Olive standing on their porch, desperately hammering against their door with a force that would probably break it rather sooner than later.

″Olive?″ Erin called and when the woman with the blonde curls turned around to face them by the sound of Erin's voice, they already got some answers as to why she came over.

Tears were running down her cheeks and her whole body was shaking, heartbreak written across her face. After taking some very small steps into the right direction just in the last couple of minutes it now became crystal clear that they couldn't and wouldn't catch a break and Erin and Jay didn't need to be clairvoyants to figure out that the bad news would just keep coming...

Well, don't hate me now. Remember how I told you over and over again that I know exactly where I want this story to go? Believe it or not, everything that happened in this chapter has been figured out since the very early days of this story (so for over 2 years - that's crazy, right?). And I still know exactly where I want this story to go, so thanks for trusting me ;-)