7. One Step At A Time

Thank you all so much again for the reviews! I decided not to let you wait too long this time, so here comes chapter 7! I really enjoyed writing this and I hope you like it! :)

7. One Step At A Time

Jay was sitting on his couch, had a beer in his hand and zapped more or less interested through the channels. But there was nothing on TV that fascinated and distracted him. His colleagues had earlier asked him whether he wanted to go to Molly's with them as they slowly started to realize that something was going on. He hasn't been in the mood for going to a bar full of people and had declined. But during the evening he has started to regret his decision. Distraction maybe would've been good. All evening his head has still been full of the miserable looking Erin he saw earlier today. When they had come back to the bullpen in the evening, Erin hadn't been there anymore. He had tried to talk to Hank but his boss hadn't given him the chance to do so as he had kept him occupied for the rest of the day and then had left earlier than the rest of the unit. Jay wasn't sure whether Hank's weird behaviour was a good or a bad sign. But most likely it was the second one.

Just when Jay decided to call it a day and go to bed for having another sleepless night in store, he heard a silent knock on his door. As he checked the time, he figuerd it could only be his brother who needed a place to crash after having too many beers at Molly's to drive home to his place a bit outside of the city. Who else would be in front of his door around midnight? He went to the door and opened it without paying special attention.

″Will, what do you..-″ he started, but immediately stopped when he saw who stood in front of him. Erin. And she even looked more miserable than she had looked this afternoon.

″Erin,″ he mumbled, unable to cope with the situation that she came to his apartment at midnight, still looking like she was back to old habits again.

″Jay,″ she whispered.

″What do you want?″ he asked harshly.

She took a deep breath and tried to look him directly in the eyes.

″Can...can we talk?″ she asked and immediately lowered her head and stared down to her feet.

″I don't know whether we can. But we should...″ he answered with an even harder voice.

″Can I come in?″

He nodded, let her in and guided her to the couch where they both sat down.

″You sober and clean?″ he asked her without hesitation.

″What?″ she asked and twinkled to him in disbelief for a moment before she lowered her head again.

″You heard me,″ he only answered.

″I am.″

″You sure? Because you don't look like it,″ he noticed. He tried to look her in the eyes but she kept her gaze focused on the wodden floor.

″I didn't take any pills and I didn't drink today, if that is what you wanna know. I had some beers the other night but don't tell me you didn't pour everything down with alcohol as well,″ she said and glanced at him for a second. Her eyes were red but she seemed to be there and not on a place far far away. ″But as you obviously don't believe me here, I maybe should better go,″ she added and got up from the couch.

″When you go now it's over Erin. Then we're done,″ Jay said before he was able to think about his own words.

She immediately froze, waited for a moment and came back to the couch. Jay exhaled a deep breath. These words have come out of his mouth faster than he had expected but all in all it was just a sign of how hurt he was.

″So?″ he asked and waited for her to make the dozen excuses she surely had in store.

Erin took another deep breath and Jay could feel how difficult this situation was for her. But it wasn't much easier for him either. He was not sure whether he was prepared for whatever she was going to tell him.

″Jay, I never wanted to hurt you,″ she mumbled. It was hard for him to even understand her as her voice was barely there.

″Well, you did not good with that.″ Erin realized his pissed voice and accepted it. He had every right to be mad at her. To hate her.

″I know. Maybe I should still better go,″ she said and stood up again, ready to leave his apartment as sudden as she had shown up in front of his door.

″Wait! I mean really? You're coming over here by midnight, telling me you want to talk and then that's it?″ His voice started to get really angry.

″Yeah...No...I don't know,″ she answered while she was still on the go. She teetered from one foot to the other, not knowing whether she wanted to go or stay.

″Don't go now. Stay,″ Jay said and out of a sudden his voice was gentle and calm, just as she used to know it. For the first time since their fight she saw how his face softened and his eyes, that were filled with silent pain, begged her for staying, for an explanation. It almost broke her heart seeing him like this. She knew that he thought they were losing it all again. Losing the future he thought they'd have. Losing this precious relationship. Losing their true love.

She had to fight against her tears when she sat down on the couch again. She owed him an explanation, no matter how difficult it was for her to talk about things and feelings she rather kept unspoken.

″Listen...Jay...I'm sorry. I'm sorry for keeping the distance these past few days and for everything that happened and for all the things I said...It's just...″ she paused and was searching for the right words. She has had this conversation like a thousand times in her head before and now she didn't know what to tell him.

″It's just what, Erin?″ he asked her, still anxiously waiting for her to say something that would save their relationship. ″Huh? It's just what? I mean, for days I've been thinking about this and trying to figure out what this is all about. And I just came to one conclusion: you don't really love me, right? It was just another game, wasn't it?″ he asked so quitely that she hardly understood him. She heard the fear in his voice and her heart was about to break again.

She slowly shook her head. ″No. No! Of course not. It's more the opposite.″

All the time Jay had looked down to the ground but now he looked her in the eyes, like he was surprised about what she had said. There where a million questionmarks on his face. Her only wish was to answer all the questions he would never ask now. So she started to reveal what was going on inside of her.

″Listen Jay...the evening you told me I'm your princess and you love me and want to spend the rest of your life with me, my heart just wanted to jump out of my chest. Like every time you say something like that or you kiss me or touch me.″ She cleared her throat so she was able to speak louder.

″And then you asked me whether we should move in together and all of a sudden I was overstrained. Because I started to realize that this is real. That us is real. That this is the realest relationship I ever had, the one that finally IS a relationship compared to everything else I had before. That this is not just for fun but maybe forever. And it just scared me. Because I've never been so close to someone. I've never let someone be so close to me.″

She made another short pause as she realized she was barely breathing at this point.

″That evening, I also realized that I've never loved someone as much as I love you. Well it was more a process over the last few weeks but on this evening, it finally really hit me. And that even scared me more than the relationship-thing. To be honest, it scared the hell out of me.″ Her voice got low again. Her eyes were filled with tears, but with another deep breath she was able to continue.

″All the people I loved in my life...they got hurt, they were taken away from me or they died. First my dad. He was a jerk in every single way, but as a little kid, you still love your dad no matter what he does. At least I loved him as long as I was too young to really...understand. Later my mom. I know she was an alcoholic and junkie but I tried to do everything to be allowed to stay with her. I loved her...until I was old enough to realize how bad she really was. My brother. I raised him. He was the person I spent the most time with. And when things with my mom got worse he was the only family I had until Hank saved me. And you know what happened to him...I got seperated from him just to find him ten years later after he has gone through hell. Then I had Hank and Camille and Justin and for the first time in my life I felt like being a part of a family. A real family. Like the ones I used to dream about. And then Camille got sick and died. The woman that was more of a mother for me in those years I lived with them than Bunny ever was just died of cancer. And then, when I have thought my life was finally in control, Nadia died. And this was just too much. I couldn't handle it anymore. You know that.″

She stopped again, still fighting back her tears. Jay slowly started to realize how huge this was. Erin sat in front of him, totally fragile and she let him into her world like she surely never had someone else let in before. Not even Hank. It was the first time that she absolutely not tried to be strong. That she showed all of her weaknesses and that she allowed herself to be the vulnerable and fragile girl that she has been deep inside since she was a kid. And that she took him to some of her darkest places. She has never talked about her past and her feelings like this ever before. He had the urgent intention to hug her and tell her a thousand things but he knew that she had to finish her talking first.

″So when you told me you want to spend the rest of your life with me I just wanted to tell you that the same applies for me. But all of a sudden it hit me like a punch in the gut that all the people I loved in my life are somehow no longer a part of my life, except Hank. And then I got so damn scared because I don't want to lose you. Do you understand? I CANT lose you Jay. Not you, too″ she whispered, obviously hardly fighting against her tears and against herself. She took two deep breaths this time before she was able to continue. Her voice chattered.

″I never felt for someone like I do for you ever before and these kind of feelings are new for me and I have to learn how to deal with them first. Normally I keep pushing people away from me when things get to intense for me to handle them. And this is just what I did with you and I'm sorry for that. I don't want to lose you. Ever. And I am scared Jay. Because I need you. And I never want to be without you ever again. But maybe I have to at some point...and all of these thoughts and feelings were just too much. You're the best thing that has ever happened to me and...″

At this point she wasn't able to continue anymore and the tears streamed down her face. She didn't even try to hold them back anymore. That was real. That was her realest self, the realest she's ever been. Even Jay's eyes were filled with tears. He leaned towards her, wrapped her arms around her and just held her. She buried her head on his chest, sobbing hardly, and enjoyed how his large hands rubbed her back to calm her down. He cleared his throat before he started talking for the first time in what seemed like a lifetime.

″You are never going to lose me. I promise. I will be there for you and I will be with you. Forever. And always.″

″But...you never know what happens...and in our jobs..″ She stopped talking, didn't want to speak that thought out loud.

″Hey listen,″ he said and grabbed her chin so she had to look him in the eyes. ″Nothing will ever happen. Because I know that there is this special person and she always has my back. She would never let anything happen to me and I trust her with my life.″

″I love you,″ she simply replied and kissed him. It was a kiss that meant so much more than all the other kisses they had shared before.

″I love you too,″ he whispered in between another kiss.

″But Jay,″ Erin said after they have finished their kissing. ″I will need my time to feel fully comfortable with...everything. And I hope you understand that.″ Her eyes got a little scared again, but Jay wanted to assure her instantly that there was no reason to be scared.

″Of course I do. You know, I always knew that there were some serious reasons why you can't completely fall for someone. For me. And I always thought it was something like that. But I wanted to hear it from you. I wanted you to talk about it, to tell me about it. This was important for you...and me. For us.″

″You deserved to know,″ she whispered but avoided eye-contact again.

″Hey, Er, it's okay. I think we somehow needed that. This will only make us stronger.″ Jay really believed what he said. This was their turning point or the point where they've never been before. Now it was on him to tell her about his past. She has opened up so much and he owed her his story. But not tonight. Erin's confession was enough to deal with for the moment and they first had to handle that.

″It will,″ Erin agreed and leaned her head on his chest. ″Step by step.″

″What kind of steps are you thinking about? Giant-steps?″ he joked and for the first time in days he really felt like smiling.

″More like baby-steps,″ she laughed before she got serious again. ″Just because I don't want to move in with you now doesn't mean I don't have that in my head for our future. But we have the rest of our lives to do that and I don't want to rush it. I want it to be perfect and for that I have to...grow first.″

Jay was still amazed how much she had opened up during this past hour and that she was able to admit that this was on her and that it was about her issues.

″One step at a time sounds perfect to me,″ he replied, grabbed her chin and kissed her again. Although he was still a little overstrained with the whole situation he also felt like the happiest man on earth. He had his girl back in his arms and they were closer than ever. They have taken a major step in their relationship although it was just talking in their case. But for two people who didn't exactly like to talk about their problems and their past, this was quite a big deal.

″Thank you,″ Erin whispered. Two little words that meant so much more right now. He kissed her forehead and squeezed her hand.

″Can I ask you something?″

″Sure,″ she nodded but gazed at him slightly insecure.

″Where have you been these past days?″ The moment she now locked eyes with him she knew he had been at her apartment and had found it all empty, most likely fearing his worst nightmares coming true.

″I spent the days at the park. At that spot where we had our picnic. I really meant it when I said that this is my new favorite place. It was so peaceful. Being there helped me to calm down. At least a bit and it was the most perfect place to think about all the things I just told you.″

″We should go there more often,″ he mumbled into her hair and kissed it.

″Yaah, we really should,″ she agreed, a soft smile surrounding her lips.

″And right now we really should go to bed,″ he yawned after checking his clock.

″You know, I really like it here right now,″ she answered and snuggled a little tighter into his arms and onto his chest.

″I promise, I'm going to hold you like this all night,″ he smirked, stood up, picked her up in his arms and carried her to the bedroom.

XxXxXxXxXxXxX

The following morning, Erin woke up before their alarm clock was ringing. She immediately smiled when she felt Jay's arm still wrapped around her waist. He has kept his promise and she had to admit, she has never expected anything else. The thought that she had almost destroyed their precious relationship let her shiver. It wasn't exactly her own intention when she showed up in front of Jay's door last night. Of course she wanted to talk to him but she knew how much she had hurt him and therefore feared his reaction. It was none other than Hank Voight who made her go there. Never in her life she had thought that Hank Voight would one day kick her ass and tell her to fight for the relationship she had with Jay Halstead.

″Take the sunglasses off,″ Hank said as he sat down on his desk adverse her. She didn't hesitate and took them off, revealing tear-stained red eyes. She looked at him and felt how a lump built up in her throat just from the way he was looking at her. Disappointed and angry but yet relieved. She assumed he had expected to see from her eyes she was on drugs. But she wasn't.

″Wanna tell me what happened?″

She nervously rubbed her palms in her lap and stared down to them. She didn't know what to tell him. And how.

″Erin?″ Hank asked again as she stayed silent.

″I messed up,″ she finally answered in the most quiet way possible.

″Regarding?″

″Everything I guess,″ she shrugged but avoided any kind of eye-contact. She felt her eyes burning and she knew her tears were only seconds away.

″Talking in secrets doesn't lead us anywhere here.″

″What do you want me to say?″ she asked him and looked at him while trying to keep her tears from falling at the same time.

″The truth kid,″ Hank said. Erin tried to interpret his gaze. He didn't look pissed or angry anymore.

″You once said I left a string of broken hearts behind me since I was 15,″ she said and tears slid down her face.

″I remember that, yeah.″

″Well, I did it again,″ she mumbled and covered her face in her hands, trying to hide her heavy sobs. Hank didn't answer immediately. He watched her cry and waited until she calmed down and was able to pay attention again.

″But this is the first time you broke someone else's heart and thereby broke your very own heart at the same time, am I right?″

Erin let his words sink in and then slowly nodded in response. Of course he was right.

″Wanna tell me the full story now?″ he asked.

″I don't think you can help me there anyway,″ she answered and shook her head.

″Let's try,″ he suggested.

″If you'd have the ability to turn back time...well that would help,″ she shrugged and a bitter laughter escaped from her lips.

″Turning it back to which day?″

″To the day you partnered me up with Jay, to the day I started to have serious feelings for him, to the day I broke his heart. Choose one.″

″We can't change things that happened in the past Erin. But we can change our future. For the better.″

″I don't think that I can change anything for the better in this case,″ she mumbled and her eyes filled with tears again.

″Erin, the fact that you came here and now cry in front of me and especially the fact that you admitted you made a mistake shows me that you are able to change something. Because you know that this is on you. Now you just need to stop fighting against your inner self.″

Erin looked into the eyes of the older man who had raised her and he gave her a warm glance.

″Yeah,″ she then just nodded, still not ready to tell more of the story.

″When you're ready to talk about it, let me know and I'll give you some advice. But as long as you stay silent, I can't help you kiddo,″ Hank said. ″You wanna have a tea?″

″Coffee please,″ she answered.

″Alright, then coffee,″ he confirmed and gave her a little smile.

Some minutes later he came back with two steaming cups of coffee in his hands and gave one to Erin.

″Thank you,″ Erin said while he sat down on his chair again. She kept her gaze focused on the swirling black drink for some moments as her mind built up sentences to describe all the happenings to Hank.

″Jay suggested to move in together,″ she quietly said and still tried to look anywhere else but Hank's face.

″After six months? Hell this guy doesn't waste any time,″ Hank sighed.

″Seven. And it was a legitimate idea. I mean, we spend almost all of our evenings together at one of our places, so I understand why he suggested it. But...I don't know...I don't think I'm ready for that already. I like to keep my own place where I can go when I need...space...or alone-time. Just knowing it's there gives me security I think.″

″Did you tell this to him like you now told me?″ Hank asked although he already new the answer.

″No,″ she whispered and slightly shook her head.

″What did you do then?″ he now asked although he also already had more than just a vague idea.

″I was overstrained and therefore said nasty things. And then I ran away. I ran away from my feelings. I ran away from him. I ran away from our relationship. And I left him behind with a broken heart. The one man on earth who deserves to get his heart broken and to get hurt least,″ she said and some tears slid down her cheeks again. ″He deserves better than me,″ she then added with a bitter laughter.

″I honestly don't think Halstead wants anyone else but you Erin.″

″Maybe now he does,″ she shrugged and sipped on her coffee.

″Not even now Erin. This guy loves you. Did from the very first minute if I remember all the glances in his eyes right. So the question is, how do you feel for him?″

″That's the point...″ she answered and lifted her head to look Hank in the eyes and for the first time she didn't lower her head five seconds later again. Hank knew that they were coming close to the point what this was really all about.

″Meaning?″ he asked and raised his eyebrows. Erin took a deep breath as it was quite hard for her to talk about her feelings and to admit things she never admitted to someone before. She was too much used to bury her feelings and emotions deep inside of her and dealing with them on herself instead of showing or talking about them openly.

″The way I feel for him, God, it scares the hell out of me," she sighed. She didn't know what she expected Hank to answer but she surely never had expected the words that now came from his lips.

″It wouldn't be love if it didn't,″ Hank simply answered and a soft, encouraging smile surrounded his lips. Erin looked at him as more tears fell from her eyes. Not only because this whole situation was an emotional rollercoaster for her but also because out of all people in the world, it was Hank Voight, the man who wasn't known to show much of his feelings and emotions either, told her a lesson about love.

Hank stood up from his chair and walked over to her. He knew that there maybe still was more to the story and that there were more things going on inside her but for now he didn't need to know more. This was enough and more than he had expected her to tell him.

″Come here,″ he said. Erin also got up and as Hank hugged her tightly, she wasn't able to control herself any longer. She started to cry heavily and sobbed onto his shoulder for minutes.

″Better?″ he asked when she pulled off.

″A little,″ she shrugged and wiped her tears away with her hand. ″What am I going to do now?″

″You'll go home and calm down, maybe take a shower and sleep a little. And then you'll talk with Halstead.″

″He won't let me.″

″He will, believe me.″

″No,″ she said and shook her head.

″Erin he deserves to know.″

″He won't listen.″

″Do you really think that or do you just keep telling that to yourself because you're feared to talk to him?″ he asked and of course he also already knew the answer to this question.

″The latter,″ she confirmed. ″I hurt him so much, If was him I wouldn't forgive me just like that,″ she said and flipped her fingers.

″Maybe he won't forgive you immediately but I know this guy will listen to whatever you tell him Erin,″ Hank assured and tried to give her another encouraging smile.

″I don't know,″ she mumbled, shaking her head for the hundreth time this afternoon.

″Erin! This guy is crazy about you and loves you at least as much as you love him. So fight for this love, fight for your relationship and talk to him. You got me?″ Erin couldn't believe the things she just has heard. Did Hank really encourage her to fight for her relationship? To fight for a inhouse-relationship he normally so hard fought against?

″Yaah,″ she spluttered and slowly nodded in response.

″Good,″ he said and looked satisfied.

″Uhm, I think I'll go home now...before they all come back,″ she said and pointed to the empty bullpen.

″Sure,″ Hank answered and scanned her as she got up and walked to the door of his office. ″Erin, it doesn't get easier the longer you push it away, you know that, right?″ he asked her before she openend the door.

″I know,″ she quietly said, opened the door but then hesitated and turned around again, looking at the older man who was casually sitting in his chair, still scanning her. ″Thank you,″ she said and even forced a small smile before she walked out of the bullpen and left him alone.

XxXxXxXxXxXxX

When Erin and Jay walked into the bullpen later in the morning it was the first time that they walked in there with holding hands. They already had often held hands when arriving at the precinct but they had always changed to professional mode before going up the stairs to the bullpen. They have decided to take one step at a time and walking into the bullpen with interlocked fingers and showing their colleagues and especially Hank, that nothing could seperate them, that their relationship was stronger than everything and that they still were genuinely in love with each other, seemed to be the perfect step right now...

Reviews are appreciated, as always :)

I don't think I'll be able to update this story within the next three weeks as I'm going to travel to the US tomorrow. My first stop will be Chicago, so needless to say that I'm beyond excited! :)