6. Things We Said Today

First of all: how incredible was Jesse in last weeks episode? Especially this last scene had me in tears...

I know I complained about the cancelled road trip before but with the way 3x17 turned out I have to admit that this was maybe even better. Because we finally got the proof that Erin and Jay are really in a deeper relationship, with her being deeply worried about him and simply being there for him and that's all I wanted to see for so long. I prefer these little scenes over any kind of make-out scenes because they give me faith that these two really have a bright future ahead... :)

Secondly: thanks again for the reviews and sorry for letting you wait but University has been crazy lately. This chapter inludes a flashback (italic) to "Knocked the Family right out". Enjoy!

Disclaimer: I still don't own anything.

6. Things We Said Today

The beer prevented Jay from having a sleepless night. He didn't even know how many beers he has drunk but somewhen he fell into an unsettled sleep on the couch. When the alarm clock of his phone rang on the following morning, he felt like being hit by a train. His head and every part of his body ached and he was tired beyond limits. He took a cold shower, tidied up the mess of empty bottles in his living room and took some painkillers against his headaches. For a moment he thought about not going to work today. He knew it was going to be a struggle. But he had to face it. Or better: her. He couldn't stay at home just because he didn't want to see her right now. He started to understand why Hank was so relentlessly against inhouse romance because now they had a problem. A big one. He wasn't sure whether he was able to keep it together and act professional at work. Erin for sure would simply give him the cold shoulder because she was good at ignoring things that needed to be spoken out. Maybe he'd ask Hank to change partners for a while. But then his boss would ask why he didn't want to be partnered up with his girlfriend anymore. Hank would find out soon enough anyway, but he didn't have to know about their crisis, break-up or whatever it was already now.

XxXxXxXxXxXxX

When he arrived at the bullpen half an hour later, everyone was already waiting for him, except Erin. She wasn't there. Not showing up at all was option number two he has had in his mind when he had thought about how she would deal with everything.

All of his team members eyeballed him a little too much this morning and he assumed he just looked as miserable as he felt.

″You went to a party last night?″ Adam joked.

″Yaah, kinda,″ Jay replied, forcing a laughter when he felt anything but laughing.

″Didn't do you good, buddy.″

″Thanks man,″ he answered and sat down in his chair.

″Where's Erin?″ Hank asked when he stepped out of his office in the same moment.

″Uhm...She doesn't feel well today,″ Jay lied. Using a little white lie was the best out of a lot of bad options.

″Again?″ Hank dug deeper and raised his eyebrows.

″Migraine. She maybe comes later when she feels better,″ Jay shrugged and tried not to look into Hank's face. He would surely only need one second to find out that he was lying.

″Maybe we should've kept her on desk duty for a little while longer,″ Hank noticed and went to the board, pinned some photos and explained them their newest case.

Jay really tried to pay attention to his boss but he was too distracted. He couldn't deny that he was worried about Erin. Obviously she hasn't contacted Hank about not coming in today, so basically nobody knew where she was. It wasn't on him to make the first step and actually he didn't even want to see her but he couldn't ignore his concern either. During his lunch break he drove to her apartment. No matter how much she had hurt him, he needed to know whether she was fine or not. He cared about her and no matter how this would end, he knew he always would.

He parked the 300 in front of her apartment and walked up the stairs. He knocked on her door, yelled her name. Nothing. He repeated it a few more times but didn't get any reaction. He put his keys out of his pocket and unlocked the door with the key he'd gotten from her some weeks ago.

″Erin?″ he asked and checked out all the rooms. She wasn't there. The only things he found were some empty beer bottles on her counter. Her bed was made and it didn't look like she'd slept in there last night. It seemed like she ran away just like she always did when things got tough. And most likely she ran to the wrong people like she also always did. He sighed and rubbed his aching temples before leaving her apartment and locking the door behind him.

XxXxXxXxXxXxX

As expected, Erin's desk stayed empty for the rest of the day. While doing his paper work in the evening, his thoughts distracted him again. He stared over to the empty desk and realized how much he missed her presence after only one day. And it didn't do any good that his memories constantly went back to all these little moments of love they had shared during the past months.

″You ready?″ Jay asked Erin when she opened the door.

″Give me a minute,″ she smiled and let him into her apartment.

″Take the time you need,″ he smiled back and sat down on her couch while she went back to her bedroom. They wanted to go to Molly's to drink some beers with their colleagues. After a day like today they all really needed it. All the things that had happened had scared and affected him more than he wanted to admit. The realization that Erin was alone with the offender and then finding her captivated with some crazy psycho holding a big knife onto her throat. He couldn't remember the last time he was so scared and worried about someone.

″Here I am,″ she said and interrupted his thoughts. He gazed at her. She looked tired and her smile looked forced and faked.

″You sure you wanna go to Molly's tonight?″ he asked her and walked closer to her.

″Sure, why not?″ she shrugged.

″Maybe you don't feel up to it.″

″I'm fine Jay.″

″Are you?″ he dug deeper.

″Yeah. The only thing that bothers me is that I was such an idiot,″ she said and tried to smile at him. Jay knew she was lying but she obviously wasn't able to reveal her real feelings about the happenings yet.

″Alright, let's go then,″ he said, interlocked his fingers with hers and together they left her apartment.

Together with Adam, Antonio and Kevin they had a diverting evening at their favorite bar. But every time Erin laughed, Jay knew it wasn't real. She was hiding something, played a role. The others didn't recognize it but he surely did. Most likely she hid her real feelings and emotions deep inside of her like she almost always did. He tried his best to enjoy the evening and joked and laughed with his team members, but Erin's behaviour concerned him too much.

When they arrived back at her apartment shortly after midnight, Jay also got out of the car as he was sure they were going to spend the night together.

″Uhm...I'd prefer to be alone tonight,″ she said, biting her lower lip and trying everything to avoid eye contact with him.

″Are you serious with me right now?″ he asked and his voice sounded stunned.

″I am. I think I need some alone-time.″

″See, I don't think you do,″ Jay disagreed.

″Let me put it that way: I want to be alone tonight. So if you could please just accept that and not try to put up a fight where's nothing to fight about.″

″Erin,″ he said and reached for her arm.

″Don't,″ she cut him off and distanced herself from him. He raised his eyebrows and slightly shook his head. He didn't get it why she still did things like this over and over again.

″Alright, sleep well then,″ he said, turned around and got into his car without waiting for her reaction. He watched her walking into the house and turned on the engine of his car just to turn it off again some seconds later. This wasn't right. As much as she locked him out of her life once again, he couldn't leave her alone. He knew she needed him but she would never admit it. Not yet at least. He stayed in his car for some more minutes, thinking about what he would do if she would send him away again. He decided not to think about it any further, got out of his car and ran up the stairs. Luckily, she had given him a key for her apartment the previous week and he hasn't returned it to her yet. He knew she would never open the door now, so he unlocked it with the key. The bad feeling he had was confirmed when he found Erin huddled in front of the tub in the bathroom, staring to the floor with empty eyes while some tears slid down her face.

″Hey, Er,″ he whispered and sat down right next to her, wrapping his arm around her shoulders. She didn't look at him but buried her head on his chest. He heard silent sobs every once in a while. He tightened his grasp and placed soft kisses on her hair to calm her down and show her that he was there.

They sat there for a while and Jay's tight embrace and warm body combined with the well-known scent of his aftershave helped Erin to settle after a while.

″Come on, let's sit down on the couch instead of the cold floor,″ he suggested, stood up and pulled her up. He guided her to the living room, sat down on the couch and she immediately curled onto his chest again, listening to his steady heartbeat. From time to time he again placed soft kisses on her hair, but he didn't say anything. He was there for her and right now this was all she needed to know.

″You must think I'm crazy,″ she somewhen said raspily.

″I don't, actually. You went through something today. So let it all out. Your emotions and your feelings. Don't try to bury them inside of you. This doesn't help and I'm here and I won't go,″ he said and now kissed her forehead.

″I know,″ she said. ″Thank you.″

Despite some more almost unhearable sobs from time to time, they sat on the couch in complete silence for a while.

″When you want to talk about something, feel free to do so,″ he mumbled into her hair when the sobbing stopped. He knew Erin was not the kind of person who would cry because of what had happened earlier. Of course she was most likely still shocked. This and all her faked smiles this evening were the reasons why he didn't want her to be alone. But there must've been more to the story and he wanted her to talk about it.

″Yeah...uhm...maybe.″ This was all she said for the next fifteen minutes and Jay already assumed she wouldn't tell him anything when she suddenly did.

″You know,″ she started and took a deep breath before she was able to continue. ″All this crying isn't because I was so scared. I mean, of course I was but...I can deal with that...I think...″ she spluttered, trying to order what she wanted to say. He looked at her, didn't say anything and waited patiently for her to go on.

″I thought about Nadia,″ she finally admitted. ″How scared she must've been and how much she had suffered before she died,″ she said and swallowed down the lump in her throat. ″I mean...I was already scared this afternoon but she went through so much more Jay. She must've been so scared for so many hours and no one was there for her. For so many hours she knew what would happen. She was alone and went through hell. He excruciated her and she knew he wouldn't let her go. These thoughts and thinking about her in general was just to much for me to deal with,″ she said quietly and tears started to stream down her face again. ″All the time I tried not to let these memories come too close to me and I was able to more or less ignore them but when I came in here some minutes ago I just couldn't handle it anymore. I saw her old, empty room and then I saw her cold, dead, empty eyes and I remembered what this animal did to her and...″

″Erin,″ he said softly and wiped her tears away with his thumb.

″You don't have to say anything. I know that Nadia is in a better place now with everything she's been through. All of this, what happened today, just brought back memories I thought I'm done with,″ she whispered.

″Erin, don't get me wrong here but I don't think you'll ever be done with that. And I don't think you should ever be done with it. Nadia was your friend, she was like your sister. These memories will always be there. The bad ones bad but also the good ones. And especially thanks to the good ones she will forever be a part of your life. Our life.″ He looked directly into her eyes while speaking and with every word he said her eyes filled more and more with tears again.

″And Erin, it's okay to cry and to show emotions. You're not a robot. You went through so much in your life already and dealed with it on your own. But you don't have to do that anymore. Sometimes a good cry helps a lot more than swallowing everything down. And you know, I'm always there.″

Erin nodded in response as she wasn't able to say anything. Of course she knew. He has been there for her from the very first second and no matter what she had done, he has never given up on her.

″Would you mind staying here tonight?″ she asked him when she finally found her voice again.

″Did you ever think I'm going to leave you alone tonight?″

″No,″ she said and slightly shook her head.

″Right answer,″ he said and a little smile rushed over his lips.

″Honest answer,″ she shrugged and also smiled a little. The first real smile all day.

″Yeah?″

″Yeah. Thank you Jay,″ she said and kissed him.

″What for?″ he asked afterwards.

″For just being who you are. I can always rely on you, always could in the past, too and magically you always know when I need you most before I know it or before I'm able to admit it. And I can't tell in words how much I love you for that.″ Jay's blue eyes widened in surprise. He didn't believe the words that had just come out of her mouth.

″Uhm...wow,″ he sighed.

″What?″ she asked. Obviously she didn't realize that she just had said the three most important little words two people can share.

″How was it?″ he asked her and couldn't hide a smirk.

″How was what?″ Her gaze was curious as she didn't get what he was talking about.

″Speaking out loud those three words you fear so much to say.″

″What are you talking...ouh,″ she sighed as the realization hit her. ″Uhm, what makes you think I fear to say them?″

″Why do you think I never said them yet?″

″I don't know.″

″You would've run away,″ he simply noticed.

″I wouldn't.″

″So you tell me, if I had told you I'm head over heals in love with you that one night at Molly's or on any other occasion after that, you wouldn't have had the urge to immediately run away?″ he asked and raised his eyebrows.

″Uhm...I...maybe...,″ she mumbled and her cheeks blushed.

″See,″ he said. He didn't look mad or anything, even smiled. ″I didn't want to push you into anything. I didn't want you to say something in response you would maybe regret immediately. So I decided to wait until you're ready for it. And after three months it seems like you finally are,″ he whispered and kissed her.

″I didn't even think about it.″

″You just let your feelings do the talking and that's exactly how I wanted it to be.″

″It's easy.″

″What?″ he asked and now he was the one who was a little confused.

″You asked me how it is to speak these three little words out loud. It's easy when you really mean it. It's easy when you really love the person,″ she said and her eyes sparkled. ″I love you Jay Halstead.″ Her lips crushed his in an intense kiss to confirm the words she had just said to him.

″And I love you Erin Lindsay,″ he replied afterwards. ″And now let's get you to bed.″ He pulled her up from the couch, guided her to the bedroom and held her tightly all night.

″Halstead!″

Jay startled and looked directly into his boss's face. How many times has he probably already yelled his name?

″Are you deaf or dreaming?″ Hank asked, shaking his head.

″I'm sorry. What's up?″

″I'm going to call it a day and as you maybe realized, all of your colleagues already have.″ Jay looked around in the bullpen and recognized that really no one else was there anymore.

″Uhm, yeah, I just need to finish that paperwork,″ he answered and pointed to the almost empty forms in front of him.

″Don't you already work on that for over an hour?″ Hank noticed and raised his eyebrows.

″Not my day today,″ Jay shrugged.

″Whatever,″ Hank replied as he walked towards the stairs. Before he went down, he hesitated and turned around again.

″Heard anything from Erin?″

″No...uhm...not much. She's sleeping.″

″Alright, see you tomorrow then,″ Hank said and eyeballed him once again before he went down the stairs and left Jay alone in the bullpen. It took him another hour to finish filling in these stupid forms as he made some mistakes due to his lack of concentration and had to do it all again.

When he was finally on his way home, he picked up some food from a Chinese restaurant and bought more beer at the liquor store. Arriving at home, he changed his jeans to some sweat pants, turned the TV on and sat down on his couch to eat his dish and drink some beers. He tried everything not to think about Erin, but as much he did, it didn't work. He checked his phone for messages or missed calls from her every five minutes and she was on his mind all time. The things she had said were on his mind. Things she'd said in the past, like the first I love you but also the things she'd said last evening. Maybe it was never even real after all. Maybe all of this was just a joke. Maybe she didn't mean any of the words she'd said. And in this case he didn't mean the things she'd said last evening, but much more all these I love you's. He'd never doubted them. Not for a single second. But now he wasn't sure anymore whether anything of this has ever been real...

XxXxXxXxXxXxX

The next day, Erin's desk stayed as empty as the day before. For Jay, it was yet another painful day full of lies and another sleepless night as the beer also didn't stop his mind from thinking and didn't help him to fall asleep as well.

The following morning, Jay felt even worse than the days before. He poured down a cup of black coffee in no time and took a cold shower that made him at least feel a little more alive. He didn't expect Erin to come to work today so it was no surprise that she wasn't in the bullpen when he arrived there just in time again. Jay went to the break room and made himself another cup of coffee. This hot drink was the only thing that could get him through the day.

″Where's Erin?″ a raspy voice asked behind him.

″Don't I know it,″ Jay mumbled more to the cup of coffee in his hand without thinking about his words.

″Excuse me?″ Hank asked. Jay turned around and when his gaze met the one of his boss, he knew that he knew something was going on there.

″I don't know,″ he simply shrugged, sipping at his coffee. He was too tired to keep on lying.

″What's that supposed to mean?″

″It means that I don't know,″ Jay answered with his voice rising.

″You promised me you have her back,″ Hank said and his voice also was anything but calm.

″I promised so many things,″ Jay replied with a bitter laughter. ″But she won't let me keep my promises. Instead she makes me break them.″ With this words he ended the conversation and wanted to walk out of the break room.

″Halstead,″ Hank shouted permeable. Jay hesitated in his movement and closed the door from the inside. There was no chance Voight would let him go now. He turned around and gazed into his girlfriend's pseudo-fathers face. Well, ex-girlfriend. Or whatever.

″What happened?″

For a brief second Jay thought about telling Hank another lie. But what was the good of it? Hank Voight would find out the truth sooner or later anyway.

″She ran away, like she always did.″

″Why?″ Hank dug deeper.

″Didn't you listen? She ran away! What means I wasn't able to ask her for her stupid reasons!″

″So you guys had a fight?″ Hank noticed. Jay stood up to Hank's gaze and saw how his eyes twinkled angrily.

″Sort of.″

″What happened?″ Hank asked again and Jay knew that he wanted to hear the full story.

″I'm sorry but you're not the person I want to discuss my relationship problems with. And if I'd tell you it wasn't my fault, you wouldn't believe me anyway, so what?″ Jay shrugged, opened the door and went to his desk.

″In this case I do, Halstead. In this case I do,″ Hank quietly said to himself as he watched the young detective sitting down on his desk. He has seen the pain in Jay's eyes and he could tell just from his face and his behaviour that he was hurt beyond limits. And as Erin didn't show up at work the past days, she apparently also knew that she has hurt him and feared to meet him therefore. The one thing that kept him really worried now was the fact that nobody knew where Erin was. He knew her. She was used to do stupid things with the wrong people when life got tough. The way she dealt with problems always led her to make bad decisions. Hank went back to his office and dialed her number but as expected it only led him to her mailbox. He left a short message and he then walked out of his office to discuss the latest perceptions with the rest of the unit.

XxXxXxXxXxXxX

They were about to roll out and Jay was just checking one of his CI files before doing so, when Erin appeared in the bullpen in the afternoon. He slightly shivered when he saw her. It was such a well-known yet strange picture. A picture he didn't think and hope he would ever see again. Her eyes were hidden behind her sunglasses, her hair was a mess and she looked disturbingly similar to the Erin who walked into the bullpen after a drugged-out night almost exactly one year ago. She mumbled a hello to everyone but completely ignored Jay. She didn't even look at him.

″In my office,″ Hank immediately ordered before she was able to sit down at her desk. ″The rest of you, roll out and do what we discussed. Alvin, this case is yours for now.″

″Got it,″ Alvin answered and all the other team members nodded in agreement.

Jay grabbed his jacket and watched Erin sitting down in Hank's office. He would have given everything to hear the words she now told Hank. Maybe she begged for a new partner. Maybe she told her pseudo-father that her boyfriend was a jerk. Or maybe she made one of her dozen excuses why she looked like she was back to old habbits again...

Please let me know what you think about this chapter although I've left you with another cliffhanger! ;) I know some of you asked for more Hank & Erin scenes and I promise, they will come! What else do you wanna read? Of course I already know where I want to take this story, but ideas/requests are always appreciated and I will try my best to write them in.