47. Demons Of The Past

Thank you once again for your feedback and sorry for the delay! I planned to update before I went on vacation last week but I just didn't find the time to edit it properly. Anyway, I think I'm now finally back to a weekly updating rhythm, so enjoy! :)

47. Demons Of The Past

″Hey guys,″ Erin grinned when she reached the top of the stairs that led into the bullpen, carrying Emilia's car seat in one hand and balanced two huge pizza boxes on her other hand. Earlier on this Friday morning of the 24th of March, Jay had texted her that it was a super low day in the bullpen and that they all needed a dose of Emilia, so of course Erin had assured him to pay them a visit, bringing them Deep Dish Pizza from Uno's for lunch on that occasion. She really missed her colleagues and she enjoyed the days when they had barely anything to do and she could visit them for an hour or two. Or when they were just following leads and she could even help them a little, tell them what she thought about certain things.

″Look at that, pizza and Emilia, our two favorite things, thanks Erin,″ Adam laughed and took the car seat with the 7-week-old baby while Kevin grabbed the pizza boxes and placed them on his desk.

″I hate you,″ Erin answered all dry and shook her head. Adam was for sure like another little brother, but one she'd never asked for.

″You don't,″ Adam smirked. ″Right, Ems, your mommy doesn't hate me?″

″Ems?″ Erin echoed and raised her eyebrows.

″Yeah,″ Adam shrugged and placed the car seat on Erin's desk.

″Her name's Emilia and her only nickname is Emmy. No Ems or whatever else you might come up with in the future.″

″Linds, sometimes you're...″ he started to tease her again but didn't dare to finish his sentence as he sensed this would maybe not end well for him.

″Yeah?″ Erin asked, raising her eyebrows again, waiting for him to say something that would allow her to punch him. Not that she needed a reason for that anyway.

″Amazing,″ Jay interposed and wrapped his arm around her shoulder.

″Exactly what I wanted to say,″ Adam smirked innocently while all their other colleagues gathered around Emilia as well, each of them trying to get her attention just as always.

″Only sometimes?″ Erin asked Jay as she turned her head to him.

″Uh-huh,″ he nodded and pressed a kiss against her temple before he murmured: ″All the other times you're beyond amazing and absolutely incredible.″

″Try not to slip on your trail of slime,″ Erin chuckled, raising her eyebrows playfully and Jay couldn't help but think that her eyebrow-game was strong today.

″Of course,″ he laughed.

″Good,″ she grinned. ″I still have the urgent desire to punch Ruzek by the way. And with punching I mean really punching him.″

″Do it, I won't hold you back,″ Jay winked.

″I will. Somewhen. When the time's right. When he's not holding our daughter,″ Erin laughed as she watched Adam picking Emilia up from her car seat.

″Sometimes I wonder whether she feels like a zoo animal,″ Jay stated, also watching how the five men touched her tiny hands and made silly faces.

″There are five men standing around her acting like goofs and she's not crying so I think she really likes to get all the attention. Because I would cry, honestly.″

″I hope they will continue to gather around her when she's older, too. So no guy will ever come close to her when she's protected and surrounded by five cops all the time,″ Jay grinned mischievously.

″Poor girl,″ Erin chuckled. ″Five cops plus her dad. And not to forget her grandpa,″ she added and motioned her head to the door of Hank's office that swung open in this moment. Hank stepped out but remained in the doorway to watch his unit entertaining the baby. Seeing this it was hard to believe that they were supposed to be some of the most badass cops of Chicago.

″And her mother,″ Jay whispered and another laughter escaped from his lips.

″Yup,″ Erin grinned. ″Tough times ahead.″

″Hey kiddo, you have a moment for me?″ Hank called and all the others were so occupied with Emilia, they didn't even hear it.

″Sure,″ Erin nodded but also frowned a little as she couldn't think of something that required a private conversation.

After following him into his office, closing the door from the inside and taking a seat in the chair across him, she looked at him anticipatory, waiting that he would tell her what this was about.

″How's everything going?″ he asked.

″Still as good as last week,″ she answered, giving him a little smile. It wasn't like that they didn't see each other often. With Erin checking by and Hank babysitting they saw each other at least twice a week, sometimes even more often. And every time Hank asked her how things were going, whether there was something she wanted to talk about. Which she actually found really cute. He cared about her and wanted to make sure that everything was alright, especially since he knew how much she'd feared to become a mother before Emilia's birth.

″Glad to hear that,″ Hank smiled. ″She's growing so fast,″ he said, motioning his head to the scenes that happened outside of his office. Erin turned her head around only to see that now Antonio was the one who was holding her.

″She is,″ Erin nodded. ″She's already smiling so much and last weekend we had to buy new clothes. Some of her clothes that were way too big in the beginning still fit her but I guess we can say goodbye to them soon,″ she sighed.

″You now know why everyone kept telling you that time's flying once you have a child?″ he smirked.

″For sure. It feels like yesterday that I gave birth to her but it's already more than seven weeks. How can she already be seven weeks old and where is my tiny newborn going?″

″Every stage of her growing up will be special, Erin, not only her newborn stage,″ Hank said, the wisedom of a father talking.

″I know and I can't wait to see her growing up, to see what kind of person she becomes, to see her exploring the world around her more and more. And I can't wait until she sleeps through the night or only wakes up once. But part of me wants her to stay that tiny forever,″ she said pensively.

″Yeah, there's always two sides of the coin I guess,″ Hank answered.

″Mhm,″ Erin nodded. She didn't really want to talk about this too much as it was kinda hard for her to see how fast Emilia was growing and changing. ″But let's stop with this before I get too emotional. What's up?″

″Well, it's not really a topic change in this case,″ Hank said. ″I just wanted to know whether you've already thought about when you want come back to work.″

″Uhm...,″ Erin spluttered, searching for the right words. She has indeed thought about it already but maybe her answer wasn't the one Hank was expecting. ″Sort of...″ she shrugged.

″Okay,″ Hank said and it was obvious that he was waiting for her to tell him more about her plans.

″I...I can't...I can't already give her to someone else for a whole day, every day. Although I'm missing work a lot I'm not ready to let go yet and I think I will at least stay at home until she's three or four months old and then I will start with working part time. I'm sorry.″

″What are you apologizing for kiddo?″ Hank asked, giving her an encouraging smile. ″You don't have to let go of anything and I never expected you to come back to work fulltime already, neither did I expect you to start from nil to hundred. I was sure you would want to stay at home for a little while longer. But I had an idea that will maybe make it easier for you.″

″What idea?″ Erin frowned.

″Look, if you come back to work in May or June directly from maternity leave, I think it will be very hard for you to leave her with a nanny or at daycare three days a week. So I thought you could start coming back to the bullpen by mid April, after your birthday maybe, for two or three mornings a week to work the desk and Emilia can be with you. She still doesn't need that much attention that she will surely need in a couple of months so she can sleep in the break room and you're always there when she needs you. Then, maybe from May 1st, we have one morning that she spends at daycare or with a nanny and somewhen we add another morning that she spends not here with you either and Jay could only work until 2pm that one day a week while you will work the full day. And like this we'll play things out until you're at 50% or 60% or 75%. Depends on how much you want to work at all. What do you think?″

″Sounds great,″ Erin answered, smiling thankfully at her pseudo-father. She had never thought that this would be a possibility. But in fact it was what she had been doing in the last stages of her pregnancy and during the last weeks since Emilia's birth as well, always spending some time in the bullpen, although it's always only been two or three hours she spent at her workplace.

″Fine,″ Hank smirked. ″How much do you think you want to work again at some point?″

″50% sounds good, maybe 60. I don't think I want to work more than that for the next couple of months because I don't want Emilia to be raised by some nanny. But,″ she said as another thought crossed her mind, something that she'd completely forgotten about, ″this is only a temporary situation anyway, right? Because my time in Intelligence is limited and ends with our wedding, so all of this is highly hypothetical and I can only use the time until end of July to get used to work again and leave her with someone else but then things will be different anyway maybe because of my new job wheresoever.″

″Easy kiddo,″ Hank said instantly. ″I don't have any word from the Ivory Tower about their decision yet but for now you're in my unit and I did everything I could that it stays that way,″ he added, giving her a meaningful glance. Erin knew that he knew people with lots of influence or that he had something on almost every person that had more influence than himself. So of course she was still allowed to hope that things were going to turn out just fine.

″Yeah...but you never know,″ she shrugged, trying to keep her new upcoming hope as low as possible so the disappointment wouldn't be as big in case things didn't work out in the way they all dreamed of. Not wanting to think about it any further she changed the topic again as there was something else they still needed to discuss.

″So...uhm...Jay and I talked about our honeymoon the other day and we want to go to Wisconsin for a week, taking Emmy there for the first time. But before that we'd like to go to a beach resort on the Bahamas or to Paris for a couple of days as just the two of us...″ she said, still holding the big request, that came with this plan, back.

″Okay,″ Hank nodded. ″So I guess this means I'm going to spend one week with my granddaughter?″ he smirked.

″Maybe just five days but technically, yes,″ Erin confirmed, biting her lower lip with her teeth. She still wasn't 100% sure that this was a brilliant idea, how to feel about it and she was fighting a hard inner battle between taking Emilia with them or just going as the two of them. Not because she didn't trust Hank but because she felt bad leaving her daughter for so long.

″Does this...does this make us bad parents?″ she asked all quiet and couldn't even look him in the eyes. He couldn't believe why she still doubted herself when she was doing an extraordinary job as a mother but of course he understood.

″Erin, look at me,″ Hank said and his voice was exceptional soft and he only continued talking when her hazel-green eyes met his. ″You're a great mother and Jay is a great father and the two of you are playing the parents-game really well. And this doesn't make you bad parents because a honeymoon is a honeymoon, it's something special, so I can understand your intentions why you want to go there all alone. In the end you have to do what you feel good with, you have to decide for the option that makes your honeymoon most enjoyable for you. Whether this is with Emilia or without her is something no one can tell you, neither me nor Jay. You have to listen to your heart and then make a decision based on what your heart tells you, based on what you think is best for yourself. And whatever you come up with, I'll be there and back this decision up and will either drive the three of you to the airport or wave the two of you goodbye with Emilia.″

Erin needed a moment to process all of his words and realized once again how thankful she was to call Hank her father. But this didn't change the fact that she still didn't know what to do.

″I'm torn,″ she admitted after a moment of silence.

″I know,″ Hank nodded.

″I have the feeling no matter how I decide, it'll be wrong.″

″There's not such a thing as right or wrong here, Erin. Take a little more time to think about it and I'm sure you'll make the right decision for yourself. And I'm just saying, things like Skype and FaceTime exist for a reason and five to seven days are as short as that you'll be back before you can even blink,″ he said and gave her yet another encouraging smile.

″Yeah, they do,″ she answered and also managed to smile faintly. ″Thank you for this, for being there. It means a lot.″

″Always, Erin. And now let me save my granddaughter from these goofs,″ he chuckled and got up from his chair to join the rest of his unit, literally kidnapping Emilia from Kevin so she could rest in his arms now.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

Over the weekend, Erin felt a little better with their decision of going on honeymoon without their daughter but when Jay said that he was about to book flights and a hotel, not telling her where they would go as he wanted the destination to be a surprise for her, she begged him to book the flights including a baby, just in case she would change her mind again. Jay only grinned at her like a Chesire Cat because of course he would've booked for the three of them even if she hadn't said anything. He knew his woman too well, knew that she was still struggling with her decision. And telling her exactly this, that he knew her and that he was just about to book for the three of them, she literally jumped into his arms after being a little speechless at first, buried her face in his chest and told him that this was one of many reasons why she loved him. This was her Jay, the man who seemed to know her better than she knew herself. It was beyond scary but at the same time, having this deep connection with someone was something so special and made her feel so loved that she had the feeling she was living on cloud nine.

Monday evening, after the Zumba class, Erin went to Molly's with Kim, Maggie, Sylvie, Natalie and Gabby for some drinks, or in her case for a fruit-juice cocktail without alcohol as she was still nursing, and as Jay had to work late on Thursday, she decided to take Emilia to Antonio's gym to at least try whether it worked or not. And thanks to Michelle, Al's daughter, who had just finished her boxing training when the Zumba class started, it all worked perfectly fine because she volunteered to babysit for an hour, so Erin didn't have to fear to not hear her daughter crying and at the same time there was someone who would entertain her in case she woke up.

It was after the class while she was joking around with Kim and Sylvie as they were trying to get their breathing under controll again and did some last exercises against sore muscles, when she saw Jay standing at the other end of the room, holding Emilia, and they were both looking at her, Jay obviously telling Emmy something like: ″There is mommy.″ Erin's smile grew big by the sight of the two of them and she skipped her exercises to join them instantly.

″What are you doing here?″ she grinned and pressed a kiss against his lips. ″Huh, what is daddy doing here, Emmy?″ she asked her 8-week-old daughter and stroked over her head.

″The tip we got was shit and it was just a waste of time. There was absolutely nothing in that warehouse and we were done after 15 minutes. So I decided to watch how this whole Zumba works. Looks like fun,″ he noticed.

″I didn't think I would ever say that but it is a lot of fun. And Cruz is great, really kicking our asses,″ she smirked.

″Yeah, I saw that,″ he nodded. ″Can we go home then?″

″Yeah, sure, just need to get my bag,″ Erin answered and scanned him for a moment. Only now she saw that something was obviously bothering him, that his facial expression was a little harsh. ″Is everything alright?″

″Uhm, yes, sure,″ Jay answered, maybe a little bit too fast.

″Okay,″ Erin frowned and walked away to get her bag.

After loading the stroller in the trunk of her car and settling Emilia in her car seat, Erin drove home with her car, Jay with his and Erin still couldn't help but think that not everything was alright. He was a horrible liar after all, especially in front of her but basically in front of almost everyone. There was something going on and she wanted to know what it was. She doubted it had to do with work. Maybe he was pissed because she went to the Zumba class and took Emmy there, too? But she'd texted him and told him she would go there with her and he'd answered that it was okay. They'd even talked about the possibility of this situation and he had always encouraged her to give it a try and simply do it the way Kim had suggested. Because he always supported her and didn't want her to give up on the things she liked to do.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

Arriving at home, Erin disappeared in the bathroom to take a very needed shower while Jay brought Emilia to bed and when she joined him in the livingroom afterwards she still thought that the atmosphere was somehow tense.

″You want a beer?″ she asked him while she filled her glass with tab water.

″Yeah, why not,″ he answered from the couch where she joined him a moment later. He took the beer and only gave her a short glance before he turned his attention to the TV again. Erin didn't know what to say and also failed in interpreting his behavior so she focused on the flickering of the screen as well, sipping on her glass from time to time. Eventually she would ask him again, at least before going to bed because they'd agreed to never go to bed angry or with something standing in between them, but right now she tried to figure out why he'd lied to her when no later than now it was absolutely obvious that there was something that was definitely not alright. Something that had apparently to do with her and was bothering him.

″Soooo...,″ he somewhen broke the silence, turning his gaze to her. ″Michelle is taking care of Emilia now, too?″

″She did today, yeah. She volunteered to keep an eye on her and to tell me in case she starts to get unsettled. Why?″ Erin frowned.

″Do you think this is a good idea?″ he asked back, his fingertips trembling against the bottle he held in his hand.

″Uhm, she offered me her help and I was very thankful that she was there, so yeah,″ Erin shrugged, still trying to figure out what this was about, maybe sensing where this was leading to. But for now she kept her assumption back. Eventually they would get to that point anyway.

″So you think this is a good idea?″ he asked again.

″As I just said, yeah,″ she answered and she failed in hiding a bugged undertone. ″Can you maybe just spit out whatever you're trying to spit out?″ she added and her voice came a little provoking.

″See, I don't think it is a good idea,″ he said, confirming Erin's assumption, finally stopping to dance around the crunchpoint.

″Why?″ she asked and once again her voice came snappishly.

″I don't think she's trustworthy.″

″She was great with her,″ Erin noticed. ″And she mostly just watched her sleeping and pushed the stroller back and forth.″

″I don't think she's a person who I want to be around our daughter.″

″Are you serious?″ she asked and looked at him like he was out of his mind. ″Jay, she's our friend's daughter. She's Al's daughter. She's a good kid.″

″She has a past,″ he stated and for the second time Erin couldn't believe what he was saying. Of course he was overprotective when it came to Emilia, she was too, but this was nothing but ridiculous and absolutely unlike him.

″So have I,″ she answered and her voice was rising in anger. ″We all have, don't we?″

″We do,″ he nodded, taking a deep breath. ″But she still has some of her old friends. Wrong friends.″

″She has changed. Al is doing a great job with her and so is Antonio. They gave her a chance and she's making the best out of it.″

″You don't get my point, Erin. She's an ex-juvie and I don't feel comfortable with her taking care of my child.″ he said and now his voice was also slightly furious.

Erin felt something dropping inside of her by these words. Maybe even something breaking a little. And maybe she was completely overreacting, most likely she was, but out of nowhere a lump built up in her throat and it took her some effort to swallow it down as she interpreted his words in a complete different way. And they unfortunately triggered something inside of her. Something that has been pushed to the very last corner for a while now.

″This is actually funny,″ she choked and even managed to chuckle sardonically. ″Because I'm more or less an ex-drug-addict or ex-junkie, however you wanna call it, who only didn't end up in juvie thanks to Hank, so you don't feel comfortable with me taking care of your daughter either?″ Her voice was faint, cracked. All the anger was gone and only hurt was left, tears forming in the corners of her eyes, tears she didn't want to let fall. Before they could indeed fall she got up and emerged towards the bedroom, not looking at him again.

″Erin,″ he said quietly. Gone was all the anger in his voice and it was instead super soft but still emphatic. ″I absolutely didn't mean it like this.″

″Didn't you?″ she asked disappointedly as she spun around again, a sardonic laughter escaping from her lips yet again.

″This is something completely different and you know that,″ he said and got up as well but she backed away when he came closer.

″Really Jay? Because I don't see a damn difference there. Ex-juvie, ex-drug-addict, it's all the same in the end. So if you don't want Michelle to take care of your daughter, you actually don't want me to take care of her either,″ she shrugged defeated.

″Er-″

″Just leave me alone,″ she choked and disappeared in the bedroom. She lay down on her side of the bed, curled into a ball, pulled the blanket over her whole body and cried silently. She blamed it on the postnatal hormones once again that she was still this sensitive regarding literally everything. Her normal self, the Erin from a year ago, would never have freaked out about something like this. Never. But now these words hurt endlessly, in a way she had never expected they would. She hated being like this, so sensitive, because it showed how vulnerable she was deep down inside. And this was still something that didn't come easy for her. Showing others her vulnerability. She's come a long way and when there was one person who she allowed to see her being all vulnerable, it was Jay. He'd seen her in this state quite some times by now and had always just been there for her, giving her the comfort she needed so much. But today this vulnerability broke through because of something he'd said and this was something that usually never happened. So how should he make her feel better today when he was the reason she felt bad in first place?

Jay gave her a couple of minutes but it didn't take long and he was by her side again, whispering her name and apologies. Erin tried to ignore him, to push him away but he stayed adament and as much as she tried to ignore his words, she couldn't. He sounded absolutely rueful and she knew he felt bad for the things that had slipped from his mouth. It didn't happen often but sometimes he also spoke out things before thinking about them, before thinking which effect they maybe had on others. Or maybe he simply hadn't thought that these words would have such an effect on her. He'd been overprotective over their daughter, which was exactly how she wanted him to be, and she herself was just as overprotective, but this time he's gone a little too far. Had hurt her with his words although she knew this hadn't been his intention. Not at all. But still, these words were the reason that something in her felt a little cracked now, that she was about to call certain things into question again now. Her ability to be a mother, the thoughts that someone like her shouldn't be a mother. She couldn't redeem her past, she would always be the ex-drug-addict, the ex-streetkid, the girl with the rough past and exactly this past would forever catch up on her or even outrun her at some points and collide with her current life and happiness.

″Er,″ he whispered again, ″please listen to me.″

Different than the other twenty times he'd already said that she turned around this time and pulled the blanket down so she could look at him. A couple months back she would've stomped out of the apartment no later than now, even earlier most likely, clearing her head someplace else, but her runaway-like behaviour has faded to a point where she could stay and face upcoming problems. At least most of them.

″I always listen to you,″ she whispered, wiping her tears away with her hands.

″Today you shouldn't have,″ he said quietly, his piercing blue eyes never leaving hers. ″I'm sorry for the things I said. It wasn't my intention to hurt you and I didn't think about it. To be honest, I totally forgot about it, Er. Because for me you're not the ex-drug-addict, the ex criminal streetkid. In no way. For me you're the best mother our daughter could wish for, a badass cop, a woman who gives all her heart for everyone. For me you're my life, Er, the love of my life, the one person I don't wanna be without ever again. I don't see you as the person you were once. I see you as the incredible person you are every single day now, the person that makes me as happy as no one ever has before. Not even close.″

Erin inhaled a deep breath. This was the Jay she knew. The Jay who talked with her all calm, the Jay who always said the things she needed to hear, the Jay who thought about his words advisedly and could always make her feel better and comfort her. And even today his words had this effect. To heal her somehow, to bring these little, broken pieces inside of her back together again. The words that made her believe him. And she only had to look him in the eyes so see how much he hated himself right now for the things he'd blurted out. That he regretted it more than anything and just wanted to undo it.

″Maybe I freaked out a little too much about it,″ Erin admitted quietly because she knew she had. ″I understand where you're coming from, that you just want to protect Emmy. But Michelle-″

″Erin, this is not about Michelle now,″ Jay said, still not taking his eyes away from hers. ″This is about what the things I said did to you. I want you to know that I didn't mean it like this, okay? This was in no way related to you.″

″I know that Jay. Sometimes, in the heat of the moment, we...lose ourselves and say things without thinking about the effect they have on others. I've done it before and now you did it,″ she shrugged.

″This is no excuse. I wish I could take it back but as I said, I totally forgot about it,″ he said and once again Erin could see in his face how bad he felt. He hated to see her being hurt and this time it was his very own fault.

″This is on me, too, because I overreacted somehow. It's just...you know...," she shrugged, looking at him and knowing he understood without her speaking it out that the demons of her past were still dancing around her, influencing her, although they weren't as present anymore most times. "But you saved yourself pretty nice with the things you just said."

″And I meant it, Er. You are the most amazing mother. Never let anyone tell you different,″ he said and brushed a strand out of her face before he leaned down to place a kiss on her forehead.

″Our daughter is a lucky girl, because she also has the most amazing father. Although he's an idiot sometimes," she said and smiled faintly.

″Guilty as charged,″ he chuckled and pulled her into his embrace. Erin snuggled as close to his body as she could, holding him tightly and feeling how the last little broken pieces got back together while she was lying in his strong arms, inhaling his unique scent.

″Erin,″ he somewhen whispered into the silence.

″Huh?″

″I'm sorry about Michelle. I went too far and overreacted,″ he sighed. ″It was just...I knew that Al still has trouble with her sometimes because of her old friends and then I saw her with Emmy and was just like: why on earth is she taking care of her?!″

″Jay, I get it. But it's not like that I let her take care of Emmy for hours, let her go outside with her. She offered her help and I was very thankful she did. She could've gone home or she could've gone to see her friends she rather shouldn't see, but instead she sacrificed her free time to stay at the gym and take care of Emmy. She's that kind of girl that deserves to get a chance because she's not a bad kid. She just had too much stuff to deal with already and took the wrong way and only now she has people in her life who are leading her into the right direction.″

″Yeah,″ Jay only nodded in response, realizing how right she was and feeling even worse because he'd overreacted so much, felt bad because he'd doubted the reliability of one of their best friends's daughter. ″I guess I really fell for the prejudices in this case.″

″You're just one overprotective daddy and this is exactly why I love you. This is how I want you to be. But yeah, this was ridiculous and you out of all people should know it better than judging people because of their past," she whispered towards the end.

″I do know this, Er. I think I just saw red...somehow. I saw her with Emmy and all I could think about is that she's an ex-juvie, that she's still in contact with the wrong people sometimes, that she could have a bad influence and that she's not trustworthy.″

″Mhm,″ Erin nodded, getting his point as well. ″But I do trust her, Jay. She's really sweet and as I said, she's on the right way. Sometimes it's the right and best thing to do to give people a chance so they can prove they've changed. I know I said that before but people gave me chances and I took them and I don't think anyone regrets it.″

″Yeah, you're right," he nodded pensively. "And sometimes you simply need Erin Lindsay to open your eyes. I'm sorry for all of this.″

″I'd call it: sometimes you simply need Erin Lindsay to tell you that you're an idiot,″ she answered and a soft chuckle escaped from her lips.

″Won't fight you on this one for once,″ Jay grinned, kissing her hair, his tense body relaxing slowly.

″A fault confessed is half redressed,″ she teased him before silent cries signalised them that Emilia was awake now, too and wanted to join the party.

″I'll get her,″ Jay said and got up to pick his daughter up into his arms. ″What's wrong Minnie?″ he whispered against her head and placed a kiss there but as almost always she stopped crying as soon as she had Jay's full attention.

″She's such a daddy's girl,″ Erin grinned. ″I swear if I had picked her up she would still cry.″

″Is your mommy maybe a little jealous Emilia? Because I'd say so,″ he chuckled and lay down on his side of the bed again, giving Emilia some tummy time by letting her rest on his chest respectively stomach.

″Well, I can understand why she's a daddy's girl though,″ Erin smirked, getting closer to Jay and stroking over her daughter's fuzzy brown hair that has grown a little longer already. ″She's so alert and active already. And just look at those eyes,″ she added smilingly, staring into Emilia's perfect little face with the deep blue eyes, that were definitely becoming a little lighter and were changing from dark blue to light blue, the long lashes on her eyelids, her tiny nose and her perfectly formed lips.

″She's absolutely perfect and way too adorable,″ Jay smiled and changed his position, let Emmy rest against his slightly bent legs so he could stare at her as well, giving her his finger so she could wrap her hand around it. But instead of being really interested in her daddy's finger, Emilia kept on staring at her parents and flashed them the cutest smile.

″I guess someone is really happy right now, huh?″ Erin grinned and stroked her tummy, tickled it in the softest way.

″God this smile is killing me,″ Jay sighed. ″Yes little lady, you're soooo adorable and your smile is too much for me,″ he told her with a baby-voice and made some silly faces.

″She's already smiling longer now and she never smiled in the middle of the night before,″ she noticed before she chuckled slightly. ″We're totally turning into this kind of crazy parents.″

″What kind of crazy parents?″ he frowned.

″Those parents that are super excited about everything their child does and find amazement in every small milestone and find literally every little thing so super adorable.″

″Er, look at her. How can you not find everything she does super adorable?″ Jay laughed. ″I like being a crazy parent.″

″I guess me too,″ she grinned and snuggled closer onto Jay's shoulder while they enjoyed some more minutes of this peaceful family bonding. But it didn't take long and Emilia started to get grumpy, so Jay took her to the kitchen to make her a bottle. He joined Erin in the bedroom again for feeding her and while sucking on the bottle their baby girl drifted back to sleep.

Erin still leaned against Jay's shoulder as they both peered down to see how she struggled to keep her eyes open and it was in this moment when Erin wondered how she could ever have lived without this little person, how she could have functioned without her. Because this life now was absolutely everything. Emilia was absolutely everything. She, together with Jay of course, were the reason of her current happiness. Before having their baby she hadn't known what she's been missing but it was exactly this. Her own family. Her own child that completed her and made her a different person. A better person.

Before Erin's eyes fell shut a little later as well, she felt at peace with herself again. At least she thought so. Because at this point she didn't know how sensible and fragile she was now and how soon and how easy all these little pieces that had broken inside of her but had then been fixed again instantly thanks to Jay's words, their conversation and their cuddling time with Emilia, could and would shatter again...

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

After a stroll in the morning sun and a visit to the grocery store, Erin returned to their block around noon on the following day. The weather was surprisingly pleasant given the fact that it was only the 31st of March, which in previous years had often been a date they still had snowstorms, and she tried to spend as much time outside as possible, especially when the sun was shining. The fresh air was good for Emilia and it has become their routine to go at least for a stroll once a day, sometimes even twice.

She was already in front of their apartment building, searching for her keys in the depths of the diaper bag when a familar voice suddenly called her name from across the street. A voice she's always hoped she didn't have to hear again. A voice that let her freeze in her movement, let her heart drop to her knees somehow and brought back memories. So many memories.

″Erin!″

By the sound of this voice Erin had the feeling to fall down. Endlessly and with nothing to hold onto. Like in a nightmare. When you keep falling into the darkness and wait for hitting the ground. In addition she felt her stomach turn a little as she had the feeling that someone has punched her in the gut. She was unable to believe that this was true.

Why? Why now? Why at all? This had to be a friggin' nightmare and she wished she would just wake up. There was no way that this was happening, that this person was back in her life. One of the last persons she wanted to meet again. And there was no way she would let this person, who had destroyed so much, back into her life.

So she ignored it and kept on looking for her keys desperately as she just wanted to disappear inside the house, inside these safe walls of their apartment as fast as possible when the penetrating voice of the person she never wanted to see again for the rest of her life shrilled from across the street again, when she knew she had to face it anyway, that there was no way out.

″Erin!″

It was in that moment, when she heard the voice, that sent chills down her spine and let some of her worst memories revive, once more, that she wondered whether the demons of her past would ever stop catching up on her...

I know some people were waiting for a bit of drama but I first wanted to give them a little break and enjoy their family before things get rough again, so thanks for your patience :D I wrote this chapter a while ago already (actually before the previous one, but then I decided I needed to fill some holes first), so I also sensed it's time for bursting the bubble of everything being sunshine and roses ;)

Please leave a review and let me know what you think! Maybe you already have an idea which demon makes an appearance here!