48. Somebody That I Used To Know
Thank y'all for your feedback on my last chapter, I really appreciate it and reading your kind words always makes my days! So here comes chapter 48 and the reveal of the demon of the past that is making a comeback here. Some of you guessed it right.
48. Somebody That I Used To Know
″Erin,″ the voice that gave her a headache shrilled from across the street for the third time. Slowly, as if she was scared of what she would see, maybe still hoping it was someone else although she knew very well it wasn't, Erin turned her head around to face the woman who used to be her mother and who she hasn't seen in more than a year. Maybe Erin had expected her to look completely drugged out, high, drunk, homeless or whatever else but surprisingly she looked like always, not especially bad or like a junkie, and from the distance she couldn't tell whether she was sober or not.
Erin's facial expressions were as cold as ice and no single muscle in her face moved when she stared at the older woman with the wild blonde hair across the street. Looking at her mother she suddenly felt so empty and all the energy she usually had after taking a stroll in the sun was gone. The lightheartedness of the last weeks was gone. Her happiness was somehow gone. Instead her heart was heavy and she felt limp, worn out. She's always felt bad in Bunny's company. That's why she'd run to her after Nadia's death. Because everyone else had wanted to make her feel better but Bunny had wanted her to feel bad, had wanted her to feel guilty and she had the ability to always make her feel bad, to feel like she wasn't worth anything. She'd allowed her to feel bad because she didn't care, because she was a bad person herself and seeing someone else suffering didn't bother her at all.
″Erin,″ Bunny called once again, smiling big this time and she started to cross the street. With every step she came closer Erin had the feeling she stepped right back into her life, unstoppable, determined. But she would do everything she could to not let that happen, would build up walls to protect herself. And of course to protect her daughter. In this moment she was more than glad that regardless the sun it was still as chilly so one could barely catch a glimpse at the baby that slept peacefully in the stroller and was so blissfully oblivious of the drama that was about to build up around her. She didn't want Bunny to see her daughter, her most precious treasure. She had to protect her, no matter what.
″Erin, honey,″ Bunny said with the sweetest of voices when she joined Erin and embraced her. Erin herself still didn't move and stood there like some stone. Her whole body was tense and her fingers were clawing around the handlebar of the stroller.
″Bunny,″ she managed to say after Bunny had ended the one-sided embrace.
″You're looking great,″ Bunny smiled brightly, scanning her from head to toes but Erin knew she looked anything but great. Maybe she had until a couple of minutes ago because even without make-up and although she was sleep-deprived she was still glowing thanks to the baby-bliss but this glow had definitely disappeared from her face the moment she'd heard her mother's voice calling for her.
″Mhm,″ she only shrugged in response, still trying to figure out whether Bunny was on something or not. And whether she came with good intentions or bad ones. While she couldn't answer the latter question, she was almost 100% sure that Bunny wasn't sober. There was something about her eyes that told her that she'd taken something. She wasn't exactly super high but she was definitely not sober either. And now thinking about it, Bunny actually never came with good intentions, so this question was answered quickly as well.
″You honestly do,″ Bunny assured her and only now her gaze fell at the stroller for the first time but she didn't look like she assumed that this was her grandkid. Erin was 100% sure that Bunny had seen the stroller before, she'd watched her walking down the street to her apartment building after all, but Bunny's acting has always been impressive. ″Oh honey did you lose your job or why are you playing nanny now?″
For the split of a second Erin could've sworn that there was a malicious grin flittering across Bunny's lips but within the next moment it was gone and she was back to her typical fascade.
″Uhm,″ Erin stumbled, weighing the options she had here. Bunny had furnished a fit occasion. She could simply go with it and lie about it, tell her that she was in fact taking care of someone else's child. But that meant that she would also confirm that she'd lost her job and Bunny would for sure notice it with satisfaction that she wasn't working for Hank Voight anymore, that he'd given up on her or something similar. She wanted to go with one part of the lie but for sure not with the other part that came with it.
″Erin honey, it's okay, you can tell me,″ Bunny purred and touched her arm supportingly but Erin shrinked back by her touch, almost as if it was burning her skin right through her jacket. Not to mention that she hated nothing more than Bunny calling her honey. This woman had no right to give her a nickname, least of all honey, and yet she's said it three times within the last two minutes. ″It's not a bad thing that you lost your job.″
These words were enough for Erin, this faked voice, this faked smile, this faked compassion compared to this glimmer of reparation. There was no way she would allow her mother to think that she'd messed up her life once again when in fact she was happier and felt better than ever before.
″Actually I didn't lose my job, sorry to disappoint you,″ Erin said sarcastically, never breaking eye-contact with the woman that once had given birth to her, but yet she held back with telling Bunny that it was her baby. She could draw her own conlcusions now. And it was obvious that this was what she was doing, putting these pieces together into a different picture, one she hasn't thought of before, her face lighting up instantly.
″So this is your baby?″ she asked ecstatically and came closer to the stroller to catch a glimpse inside but Erin also made a step to the right to shield her baby from Bunny. ″Honey why didn't you tell me when you were pregnant and that I'm a grandmother now?″
″Because you're anything but my baby's grandmother,″ Erin answered dryly. She saw her mother's face dropping a little but yet she didn't give up that simple. Bunny was resistent. Like a parasite.
″Erin I'm your mother,″ she said incredulously, still trying to get a look at the baby but Erin didn't even think about leaving her spot.
″Yeah? Since when?″ she spat back, trying to keep her voice under control. ″Because as far as I'm concerned mothers don't abandon their kids and leave them alone in an apartment without functioning heaters and without warm water. They don't spend their money for drugs instead of buying food for their hungry kids. They don't tell their kids that they're their biggest mistake. They don't care more about themselves than they do about their children. They're not selfish bitches. They don't try to take adavantage of their daughters when they're in a vulnerable space, when they're lost in grief, do they?″
″Oh come on, don't say you didn't enjoy taking some pills and losing yourself in being high. That's you, that's always been you. And you came to me after all. You came to my bar back then, not vice versa. I only offered the pills to you, so don't blame me for the decisions you made because taking them or not was your decision, not mine. I helped you back then because I wanted to make things easier for you. I wanted to make you feel better because I couldn't see you being in pain, you feeling responsible and guilty to what happened to Nadia. I did what a good mother does, I helped my child dealing with a very dark chapter of her life. So please, let me see my grandchild, Erin. It's my right.″
″You don't have any rights here,″ Erin answered, still blocking the sight, protecting her daughter like a lioness, and her voice came as cold as never before but she also had some trouble to keep her act together as she felt her voice cracking because Bunny's words got right to her core. Because all of her words weren't exactly untrue, Bunny wasn't the only one to blame for everything that had happened after Nadia's death. Part of it had also been her very own fault because drowning her guilt and her grief in alcohol and running away from everything and everyone had seemed to be so much easier and the pills had helped her to forget, had helped her to ignore her own feelings, to feel numb.
″Erin-″
″Stay away,″ she interrupted her, also interrupting her own disturbing thoughts, and pointed her index finger at her warningly as she made another attempt to come closer, to finally see the baby. ″Stay away from my baby,″ she repeated her words. Her voice was rising, her eyes sparkling furiously, angrily as she felt her heart beating unhealthy in her chest. Once again she saw something dropping in Bunny's face and the last small smile that had still been there left her features, replaced by that kind of face that told Erin that this wasn't going to end well, that Bunny was in attack mode now and would give her best to hurt Erin in any way possible. Erin tried to prepare herself for the words which were about slip from Bunny's lips but unfortunately this woman always had a way to get through her, no matter how much she tried to protect herself.
″So you got knocked up and play house now, congrats Erin,″ Bunny said snappishly and laughed villainously, the change in her character being more than obvious. Gone was the sweet mother who wanted 'the best' for her daughter, back was the bitch who loved to hurt her by telling her that she wasn't worth anything. ″I bet it's this detective's child. The one who always danced around you like a knight in shining armor and shot me death glares.″
Again there was this laugh that sent chills down Erin's spine in the most negative way and she wondered how much longer she could take this. She just wanted to disappear inside the apartment building but she couldn't move, felt like she was paralyzed, pinned down to her current spot only by Bunny's presence.
″But oh wait,″ Bunny then said, ″you can't maintain a relationship over a longer period of time but always screw things up and he always seemed like the kind of guy who wants to have something longterm and stable, wants to marry one day, have four kids and two dogs and live happily ever after, so you're definitely not the right girl for him. You're not good enough, worth enough for someone like him and this is maybe more the result of a one-night-stand with some random guy you've never seen again since he inseminated you.″
″This is actually, none of your damn business. This conversation is over,″ she finally said and changed her position so she could push the stroller inside the building, forgetting in the heat of the moment, as her head was all over the place, that she still hasn't found her keys. She didn't want to give Bunny the chance to say something else or to see Emilia but Bunny wouldn't be Bunny if she accepted things that easily.
″Oh come on Erin, don't get butthurt. We both know that you're not the kind of woman a guy wants to stick around with. That kind of woman a guy wants to have a child with.″
Erin tried her best to ignore her, to just keep walking towards the front door and not listening to the things she said but how could someone possibly overhear such words that were beyond nasty and painful and had the only purpose to hurt her. These words pulled at her heartstrings, not in a positive way but in the most cruel way.
Bunny didn't even think about leaving it there but kept on going. It was like she kept on beating her although she was already lying on the ground, covered in blood, unable to move.
″You're not the kind of woman who should have a child and we both know that as well. You're an ex-junkie and you always will be. Drugs and booze will always be your weakness. Because you're like me. Like mother like daughter, this saying exists for a reason. You don't even want this, having a child, being a mother, if you're being honest with yourself. So what can you even provide your child?″
There it was again, this sardonic, mean, brutal laughter that hurt in every inch of Erin's body. She usually had all the words, could win against everyone in a verbal fight but right now her mouth was so dry and her lips felt like they were stuck together with superglue. Everything around her was spinning and all of Bunny's words resounded in her head. Over and over and over again. Until she was able to break these thoughts and say something herself.
″I can tell you what I can provide my child, what you could never provide Teddy and me,″ she said, turning her head to her mother again and taking a deep breath to steady her voice before continuing. ″I can provide my child a safe home, with heated rooms and food whenever it's hungry. I can provide my child a carefree childhood, that kind of childhood it deserves. I can provide my child growing up in a peaceful environment without any violence. I can provide my child a family. I can provide my child love. Lots of love. This little person is the best thing that has ever happened to me, so don't you dare to tell me what I want when you have no fucking clue about my life. But thank you for being a bad mother all the way along, it only taught me how I never want to be and now you're just somebody that I used to know.″
With these words she turned around again and sent silent prayers that this conversation was over now. She couldn't do this any longer and she knew, if Bunny said just one more thing she would break down. She wasn't as strong as she pretended to be. And Bunny has always been good in sensing her vulnerability and as she couldn't take it really well to get in defense she didn't hold back to give Erin the death knell.
″You're not a better mother than I am and when you say I'm a bad mother then you're just as bad. You couldn't even take care of Nadia and you want to tell me you're better than me? I feel really sorry for my grandchild and I'm quite happy you don't allow me to meet it and to get to know her or him. Because if taking care of your child means you'll take care of it like you did of Nadia it will end up dead in a body bag in some morgue. Raped and murdered after going through hell because you failed. Just like you did with Nadia.″
This was it. Erin couldn't move and neither could she breathe, felt like Bunny has stabbed a knife right into her heart, was absolutely frozen as these words got to her core once more, but even much much deeper this time, as they resounded in her head, as the pictures of Nadia's dead body came up again, as there were suddenly pictures of her dead daughter in her head. Suddenly she realized that it was all silent around her except of her sobbing heavily, uncontrolledly. She looked around to recognize that she was all alone and Bunny was gone. Her whole body was shaking, she felt like she was losing control over herself, felt like she was suffocating and most definitely hyperventilating, her feet not being able to carry her weight any longer. She got down on her knees, her one hand still clawing into the handlebar of the stroller above her while she wrapped her other arm around her own waist somehow, as if she was in pain, trying to keep her shaking body together while she couldn't stop sobbing, no matter how hard she tried. Or maybe didn't try. She didn't have the power to fight against it as emptiness was surrounding her and as she kept drowning in her own tears.
She didn't know how long she's been sitting in front of the apartment building, how often the minute hand of her watch had circled while she's been crying her eyes out and trying to catch her breath, when a gentle touch on her shoulder let her startle and brought her somehow back to reality.
″Ms Lindsay, are you hurt? Did you have an accident?″ a concerned voice she couldn't allocate asked. She inhaled some deep breaths of air and wiped her tears away with her hands to clear her blurry view. It took a while until her vision was clear and she saw the worried face of their around-60-year-old neighbor Ms Lewis, who lived in the apartment underneath them, gazing at her.
″N...N...No,″ Erin stumbled and shook her head. She wanted to tell her that everything was alright but she couldn't. Because it was a lie and because she could barely speak anyway, her voice caught somewhere in her throat.
″Okay, and the baby is alright, too?″ Ms Lewis asked gently.
″Yeah,″ she answered, still inhaling and exhaling deeply to get control over herself again. She was embarrassed to let someone else, in this case her neighbor who only knew her as the tough cop, see her in this state of mind.
″How about getting up and going inside? It's getting chilly out here.″
″Mhm,″ Erin nodded mechanically. She was thankful that the older lady didn't ask her whether she was alright, obviously respected her privacy, because anyone could see that she was far away from that.
″Okay, come on,″ she said and held her arm supportingly as Erin got up and started looking for her keys in the diaper bag frantically for the third time which was quite a challenge because her hands were still shaking just like if she was having withdrawals from drugs.
″I...I can't find my keys,″ Erin said desperately, this situation being enough that she was on the edge of another breakdown as she was emotionally and mentally exhausted and just wanted to hide in her bedroom under dozens of blankets and pillows to disconnect from reality.
″Do you mind if I take a look?″ Ms Lewis asked, touching Erin's arm again to give her some comfort and the latter only shook her head in response.
It only took Ms Lewis a couple of seconds to find Erin's key. Afterwards she guided her inside the building and into the elevator and was then the one to lock up the apartment for her, Erin meanwhile picking Emilia up from the stroller that was always parked in the hallway. Being anything but pleased that she had to leave her warm bed, Emilia started to scream instantly.
″Sssshh, Emmy, everything is alright,″ Erin soothed and pressed a kiss against the cap that kept Emilia's head warm. Her movement resembled the one of a robot and her whole body, especially her hands, were still shaking.
″Ms Lindsay is there anything you need? Anything I can do for you?″ Ms Lewis asked as soon as they both were inside of the apartment.
″Uhm...no, thank you,″ Erin answered. She wanted to give the older woman a forced smile but she couldn't. ″And thank you for...″
″No problem,″ she smiled in return before she got serious again. ″Look, I don't know what happened and I don't want to know. But you seem to be really rattled, so how about you take care of your baby while I make you a calming tea and then I'll leave you alone.″
″I really appreciate it but I'm...,″ she started but she couldn't finish her sentence with fine. Because she wasn't. Not even close. She felt like her world was out of control, had broken into a million pieces. She felt broken. All the happiness was gone and she felt darkness was surrounding her. Darkness in form of all of Bunny's words, of all the pictures she's left behind in Erin's head. A very well-known darkness in fact.
″It's just a cup of tea and I think you could really need one. I promise I will go afterwards, okay?″
″Yeah,″ Erin nodded. She was too tired, too powerless to argue about it, so accepting the offer was the easiest thing to do.
Without saying anything more, Erin left her neighbor alone in the living room and went to the nursery to check Emilia's diaper and undress her from her thick clothes. But all these things that had been so normal for her before suddenly felt like she was doing it wrong, especially with her cold and shaking hands. Changing a diaper and putting her clothes on again had never been a bigger challenge, not even at the first time. And it didn't help at all that Emmy didn't stop crying all the time. It became even more intense and increased Erin's doubts that everything she did was wrong.
″Sssshh Emmy, mommy is here, I've got you,″ she whispered after she'd picked her up and pressed against her chest and shoulder again, covering her little head with her hand.
Walking into the living room again with her mewling baby there was a mug with steaming tea waiting for her on the coffee table and her neighbor was already on the go.
″In case you need anything you can come downstairs anytime,″ Ms Lewis said, giving her another concerned glance, before she opened the door and left Erin and Emilia alone.
XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX
Jay reached for the bag of nourishments in the trunk of his car before he locked it and made his way up to their apartment. The unit had closed their current case in the afternoon and Hank had sent them all home early to enjoy some time with their families or follow their hobbies, so of course Jay was excited to spend some extra time with Erin and Emilia. Leaving the precinct at 4.30pm and coming home around 5.00pm was a rare thing when you worked in Intelligence and brought justice to the city every day.
On the way home he'd stopped by by the delicatessen store so he could cook Erin's favorite meal for her. Linguine with salmon. They haven't had this delicious dish for way too long now and as he still felt a little bad for the things that had slipped from his mouth last night he wanted to surprise her and maybe also apologize again. Although they'd worked things out pretty quick and everything seemed to be as normal as always again. He's always had trouble with forgiving himself after making a mistake, especially when he'd hurt someone who was important to him, and his regret was always following him for quite some time.
He opened the door of their apartment and stepped inside, put the bag with the groceries down to the floor so he could take his shoes and his jacket off. He'd expected Erin to join him with a surprised gaze, with a big grin on her face because they had more than their usual three hours together in the evening, but it stayed all silent. Since the stroller was outside in the hallway and her car was in the parking lot in front of their building he assumed she was sleeping as most nights were still tough.
Jay picked the grocery bag up again and put it on the kitchen counter and after frowning for a moment because there was a full cup of tea on the coffee table, he tiptoed into the direction of the bedroom, expecting to find his fiancée and his daughter sleeping all cute and all peaceful. But the picture he got instead let his heart drop to his knees instantly for various reasons.
Erin sat on their bed, her knees bent and pulled into her chest, her arms wrapped around them as if she was holding herself together, and she was staring at the sheets in front of her with empty eyes. Even from the distance he could see that they were red and tear-stained, silent tears running down her cheeks. It didn't seem like she even recognized how he stood in the doorway. To say she looked like a picture of a misery was an understatement and the only time Jay has seen her like this before was during her darkest days. After Nadia's death, when her world had been out of joint. His thoughts went from her having postpartum depressions to that something really bad, catastrophic, cruel, had happened. She's been a beam of light these last few weeks, always smiling and laughing, being undeniably happy, so he ruled the possibility of postpartum depressions out pretty quick and figured something must really have shaken her up.
″Erin,″ he said with the softest of voices, trying to hide the nervousness, but neither did she move nor did her eyes leave the spot they were focussing. Her behavior was scaring the shit out of him and his mind already assumed the worst, created unconceivable scenarios. Crossing the room to be by her side he took a glance into the bassinet and saw Emilia sleeping like an actual angel, her chest rising and falling steadily which let his heart beat a little healthier again. Their baby was fine and the possible tragedy had nothing to do with Emilia's well-being but of course he was still deeply concered by her demeanour.
″Erin,″ he whispered again and sat down right next to her, scanning her with his blue eyes that were beyond worried. Her reaction stayed the same, she didn't move, didn't look at him and Jay wondered whether she's even recognized him by now.
″Hey babe,″ he said quietly and placed his hand on her foot slowly, didn't want to startle her in case she really hasn't recognized him being there yet. Stroking over her foot with his thumb softly she finally turned her head to him, her facial expression not only being sad and dejected and doleful but completely devastated and broken. The glow was gone, the joy was gone, the happiness was gone, it almost seemed like the Erin of these past few months was gone. To a very, very dark place, only leaving her silhouette behind.
Naturally, the last thing he expected was that she would say something now but to his surprise she did, with a voice that came faint and somehow strange.
″Am I a bad mother, Jay?″
″W...what?″ Jay stumbled frowning and felt how his stomach turned a little, felt how guilt crawled up inside of his body. This was on him. Her looking completely disconnected from the world around her was his fault. Only his. Because with his stupid statement last evening she's started to doubt her motherhood skills again.
″Am I a bad mother?″ she asked again and this time her voice was already a little stronger.
″Erin, I already told you that I didn't mean it like this yester-″
″Am I a bad mother?″ she interrupted him, her voice rising. She inhaled a deep breath and Jay saw that it took her everything to not let any more tears fall, to keep herself more or less together.
″No, you're not! You're amazing!″ he called furiously before he added quietly, almost whispering: ″Erin you are the best mother Emilia could wish for and no one could do a better job than you!″
She turned her gaze away from him again, stared at the light blue sheets and shook her head.
″Anyone could do a better job and anyone would be a better mother and I shouldn't be one,″ she said and laughed sardonically before she got up and walked out of the room, leaving Jay back a little perplexedly. Something was going on here. And whatever it was, it didn't only have to do with the things that had happened last evening, that's what he knew no later than now. This was only part of a bigger picture and something else must've happened ever since he'd kissed her for goodbye in the morning. After needing a moment to think about the possibilities, the things that could've happened throughout the day when he had been at the bullpen, he got up, too and joined her in the living room, saw her standing in front of the open fridge.
″Erin what the hell is going on?″ he asked without beating around the bush and although his words were not as soft as they should've been, his voice definitely was soft and desperate, the deep worry all hearable. During the last hours she's obviously started to build up walls again, to retreat into her shell where she barely let anyone else in. So naturally she kept on staring inside the fridge, made it look like she was busy with looking for something, ignored him and his question.
″Erin please,″ he pleaded, closing the distance between them. He saw that she was holding onto the handle of the fridge frantically, that her knuckles were white already and her other hand was shaking, in fact her whole body. ″I just told you that you're the best mother. Which is the truth. But yet it doesn't seem like you believe me and you keep talking yourself down. For me it seems like you want me to tell you how bad you are. So what happened?″
″It doesn't matter,″ she answered and her voice was as shaky as she herself was.
″It does matter. Talk to me,″ he whispered, placing his hands on her shoulder blades supportingly. Erin shrinked back by his soft touch as if his hands were burning her, slammed the door of the fridge closed and walked some steps away from him, not daring to look him in the eyes.
″Don't,″ she whispered almost unhearable.
In this moment, and for the first time in months, Jay felt like she was really stepping away from him. All the progress she's made with always opening up to him and letting him in was gone and all the steps she'd taken into the right direction within these last few months she seemed to step backwards now. Suddenly he felt like she was slipping away from him, felt like he was losing her. Suddenly he saw the future he'd thought they have, the life he dreamed about, in jeopardy. Suddenly he saw the version of Erin in front of himself he'd he thought he would never have to see again...
I've more and more become someone who's better in writing all the fluff (I love to write happy Linstead, especially since the show doesn't give us any) but I hope this angsty stuff isn't too bad either (because things can't always be all great, right?)! Please leave a review and let me know what you think!