49. Like A Light In The Darkness

Serious question: when the CPD writers are sitting in their nice little writer's room, collecting ideas for possible storylines, do they write them down and then discuss them all afterwards, going like: "That's the most stupid one, let's do that!" - ? Because it damn sure feels like it *shakes her head until losing consciousness* (warning, if you haven't caught up to 4x17 yet, skip this little intro)!

We all knew Linstead wouldn't stay happy all the time, we knew there would be bumps every once in a while because that's how TV shows run. Even the possibility of a break-up has always been in the back of my mind, because yeah, TV show, I get it. So my main problem is not that I'm super mad for the mess the CPD writers have created. But I'm just utterly disappointed how they treat their flagship couple (the couple with the most chemistry in the entire franchise imo).Since Jay moved in in 4x02 we didn't get one meaningful kiss (stakeout makeout doesn't count because they just did their job). We barely got ANY Linstead in 15 episodes. We never even got ONE damn domestic Linstead scene although it was teased during the summer and although we kept on asking for it over and over again. Actually, the first domestic Linstead scene since Jay moved in was Jay moving out. Yep, well played, CPD, that's EXACTLY what we wanted.We were never allowed to see truly happy Linstead this season other than in 4x02, when they were actually supposed to be the sun between the clouds all season, and now we're forced to watch things go downward. They didn't ever give us what we wanted and begged for and what we deserved but they are now giving us a unnecessary storyline/possible break-up nobody wants and needs. That's just what annoys me most and I'm so over it! So I decided to put watching CPD on hold for now as it brings me more disappointment than joy and that's not what a TV show should do to you. And in case Jay doesn't show up in front of her apartment rather soon (as in things will be fine before the season ends), telling her that he's sorry, that he shouldn't have left, that leaving her was stupid and that she's the only one he ever really wants to marry, I won't come back for S5 either.

On another note: I might me wrong but shouldn't there be background checks before someone joins the Police academy or a unit like Intelligence? So I highly doubt that for 8 years, nobody knew Jay was legally married. That's just not possible from a logical point of view in my opinion and I see a massive plot hole there.

Okay, this was more than I intended to write about this whole mess but I needed to get it off my chest. On a happier note: here comes chapter 49 and I hope you like the outcome of it!

49. Like A Light In The Darkness

Jay needed a moment to shake his own disbelief off. This wasn't happening. She would not go back to be this version of herself again. The version of shutting down and cutting people out of her life, of cutting him out of her life, dealing with everything on her own and burying her feelings deep inside the darkness that surrounded her. She's come too far. Way too far.

″Even if I have to tell you this a hundred thousand times until you believe me, you're not a bad mother. You never were and you'll never be,″ Jay said, out of his helplessness about this whole situation not knowing what else to say.

″Really Jay?″ she asked, laughing sarcastically yet again and turned around to him, tears running down her face again, endless pain and raw emotions surfacing.

″Yes, Erin, really. Why would you even think that? Why?″ he asked and now his voice broke in desperation.

″Because I'm a fucked up person Jay. A fucking ex-drug-addict that I'll forever be. Great role-model for our daughter, am I?″ she yelled, her words and the sound of her voice hurting in every single inch of Jay's body.

″Because my first intention after finding out I was pregnant was aborting my baby. Until I was 14 weeks I risked my baby's life every day because I didn't care. During my pregnancy I collapsed twice because I didn't take care of myself enough, didn't think about my baby first. Now she's here and instead of spending time with her at home I take her to the gym with me because I'm a selfish person who doesn't want to quit her workouts. Instead of coming home after the Zumba class to take care of my baby I go to Molly's with the girls because I like it and it's fun. I'm going back to work soon because I love and miss my job. I want to go on honeymoon without her. I always think about myself first, is that what mothers do? I couldn't take care of Nadia and got her killed and you want to tell me that I can take care of a baby and that I'm not a fucking bad mother?″

And just like this her yelling turned into an uncontrolled, hyperventilating sobbing and she broke down on her knees right in front of him. Seeing the woman he loved, the woman that was his life, breaking into a million pieces right in front of him, Jay fell onto his knees as well immediately, wrapped his arms around her fragile frame and pressed her head against his chest while he stroked over her hair and down her spine, holding her as close as possible. In the beginning she tried to resist, thrummed her fists against his chest while she cried heavily but she didn't have a chance against his strong arms and he didn't even think about letting her go, just kept on holding her and let her cry. Seconds turned into minutes but the sobs still didn't fade, maybe became even stronger.

Jay still had no clue what exactly had happened, what has brought her world in turmoil, but this was his least problem right now. Seeing her sobbing like this, seeing her being this out of control, this broken, he knew enough. Knew that her world's been shaken up in a cruel way. Knew that giving her time and being there for her was the only thing he could do in this very moment, the only thing he needed to do. No questions. Just holding her as long as she needed him to hold her, whispering ″I've got you″, ″I'm here″ and ″everything is going to be okay″ into her hair, his hand moving up and down her spine softly or his fingers tickling her neck gently to soothe her.

It took almost ten minutes until her sobbing slowly faded and her breathing steadied. Even though she slowly seemed to come back to her real self, Jay kept on holding her, waiting for her to pull back, showing him she didn't need him anymore. But except from her arms, that had been buried between his and her chest and she only now wrapped around his waist, she didn't move, kept her head resting on Jay's chest, listening to the beating of his heart, holding onto him frantically.

They stayed there, down on the floor, in between the dining table, the couch and the kitchen bar for another five minutes, absolute silence surrounding them, before Erin moved her head and looked up to him, really looking into his eyes for the first time this evening. Behind all the pain that reflected from her hazel-green eyes he saw the glimmer of thankfulness breaking through. Their silent communication still worked and he knew she wasn't able to say anything yet and he would give her all the time she needed. This first step was enough for now.

He cupped her cheek with his hand and brushed his thumb over her lips. ″It's okay, take your time.″

Her answer was an almost imperceptible nod, still obvious enough for him to see, more of this deep gratitude appearing on her face, slowly but steady overshadowing the pain, the sadness, the despair. She buried her head in his chest again, which was her way of telling him that she just needed him to hold her for a little while longer, before Jay somewhen got up, pulled her up as well and guided her to the couch. He wrapped a blanket around her shoulders and went to the kitchen to bring her a glass of water and make her a tea.

In the same moment he placed the mug and the glass on the coffee table in front of her, Emilia's crying resounded in the living room and ended the moments of silence between them.

″I've got her,″ Jay said and disappeared in the bedroom only to appear back in the living room a couple of seconds later, their unsatisfiedly crying baby resting against his shoulder. Without saying another word he went to the kitchen, grabbed one of the prepared bottles with Erin's pumped milk from the fridge and put it into the microwave to heat it up properly.

″Hey baby girl, be patient, it's almost done,″ he whispered against her head, rubbing her back with his hand while his other arm was under her butt to hold her.

″Here you go,″ he said with the ring of the microwave, took the bottle and sat down on the couch next to Erin. He shifted Emilia down into his arm, dripped a drop of milk onto the back of his hand to check whether it was too hot before he finally gave Emilia what she's been waiting for.

″Are we satisfied now, princess?″ he grinned, watching her sucking on the bottle hungrily.

Holding onto the mug of tea in her hands, Erin watched Jay and Emilia interacting for a little while, felt tears burning in the corners of her eyes again. These two were her whole world. But they deserved better than her. Someone who could be the mother respectively wife they both deserved. Someone who really could be a mother, a wife, who could give them what they needed and wanted.

Without taking a sip she placed the mug back on the coffee table and closed a little bit of the distance between herself and Jay. Her hand embraced her daughter's tiny, in a thick sock covered foot and when Jay turned his attention away from Emilia to her, silent tears were running down her face again. Knowing very well that she'd realized him looking at her for a split second, he looked at his daughter again, showing Erin that he didn't want to push her to talk to him but that he was rather giving her the time she needed and waited for her patiently until she was ready to talk. Erin appreciated it, this attitude of him of always knowing when she needed time and wasn't in the mood of talking. She had only given him a thousand reasons to worry, had only left questionmarks behind and yet he hasn't asked her a single question since her breakdown. He's been so patient with her and she knew he was waiting for her to make the first step.

She kept on massaging Emilia's foot with her thumb while she was fighting with herself about telling him or not. She didn't want to relive this but yet, all the words still resounded in her head anyway. Although Jay holding her had helped tremendously her heart still ached. Although Jay had assured her that she was a great mother all the things that were left in her head were still all of Bunny's words why she was a bad mother.

But it wasn't fair to leave him in the dark. Today, on day where she has called everything into question more than ever before, he's been her rock, her safe haven again. Her one person. The one man on this planet who was understanding her better than anyone else, who knew her better than anyone else, who's always been there for her, even when she was yelling at him, and could comfort her in each and every situation just with his presence. When there was one person in her life she could tell about this painful encounter with her past it was him. And only him. Because he would listen. Because he would understand. Because he deserved to know. Because there was this slight glimmer of hope inside of her that he could somehow make her feel better. Heal her.

Shortly before Emilia's bottle was empty, she took a deep breath, being more or less ready to share the happenings of the day with him.

″Bunny was here today,″ she broke the silence but although her voice was hoarse and faint and barely a whisper Jay turned his head to her by hearing the name Bunny instantly. It hit him like a streak of lightning. Suddenly it all made sense. She didn't even have to tell him more than that. The picture in his head formed already and he sensed to know what had happened. He had almost been sure before that her current state of mind had to do with her past, that her past had once again caught up on her. But somehow, in between them always talking about Camille and referring to her as her mother and Hank as her father, he'd forgotten that Bunny was still very much alive and very much her biological mother.

They'd only never known where she was ever since Erin had severed all ties with her after getting her badge back. The only info Erin'd gotten during all the time was that Bunny had messed up another marriage and was back on the hunt for husband number 100 and counting. But Erin had never had the wish to reunite with her, to look for her, had cancelled her from her life, always saying that Bunny would show up sooner or later anyway. Because this was her. When she was in trouble she remembered she had a daughter.

″What did she want?″ Jay asked quietly but at first Erin only shrugged her shoulders in response. They fell into silence again and Erin kept on staring at Emilia, more tears falling from her eyes. She loved this little human so much it was scaring her, but yet she wasn't enough. Wasn't good enough to raise her daughter. Good enough to take care of her. Good enough to be her mother when being her mother was all she wanted to be.

Erin took another deep breath, making a decision for herself in this very moment. She maybe wasn't a good mother but she definitely wasn't a runaway anymore. Talking has never been her asset but she knew it helped more than burying everything deep inside of herself and then run away from any confrontation. This wasn't her anymore, running away from her problems, running away when life got tough, not talking with anyone else about it. She could share it all with Jay because she trusted him. He would catch her before she could fall once again.

″She was waiting for me in front of the building...″ she started to tell him and this time she didn't stop talking again after the first sentence but kept on telling him the whole story, every single detail, Bunny's words and her own words, talked it all off her chest. More than once she had to swallow the lumps in her throat, had to inhale and exhale deeply or get her cracked voice back under control but she never stopped. With every word that escaped from her lips, Jay's stomach turned a little more and towards the end there was almost no color left in his face anymore, his features characterized by inconceivability. And anger. And hate. He's never liked Bunny but the way he felt about her now reached a complete new dimension. How could one person be this cruel and icecold? How could a mother want to destroy their own daughter like this? If he saw this disgusting person ever again he would surely throw a brick in her face. Well, maybe he wouldn't but he surely wanted to. And what was just as worse, he would've been there, could've protected her if he hadn't gone to the grocery store.

When she'd finished her monologue, when tears streamed down her face again he simply pulled her into his embrace. There was nothing he could say right now as this story has left him speechless. And he felt guilty. So damn guilty. For not being there earlier, for deciding to go to the delicatessen store rather than going home immediately. He could've avoided this, all of it, but instead she'd had to deal with it all alone. While he was buying salmon and all the other ingredients for their dinner Bunny had literally killed her with her words.

Erin snuggled closer into his embrace, one of his arms wrapped around her shoulder, Emilia still comfortably resting on his other arm while waves of guilt still overcame him, while his mind kept on revolving around the things she'd told him.

He knew Bunny's words had had the only purpose to hurt her, to break her and he could totally understand why they've shaken her world up. Everyone would break down when someone else told them these things. He didn't know what would happen to him if it was his father who talked with him like this, attacked him in such a cruel way, telling him that his mother's death was only his fault and that he was a bad father himself. Opposite to Erin he's never doubted whether he should and could be a father, so things would maybe be a little different for him. But for Erin, after doubting her ability to be a mother for so long and then settling into motherhood so easily, only hearing Bunny say she was a bad mother was enough to believe her mother, who didn't even really know her anymore, more than all the other people who constantly told her how great she was.

Of course Bunny's words had been absolutely distgusting and horrible and no one should ever be forced to hear something like this but yet he wondered why Erin gave her words so much credit. Why could Bunny tell her once she was a bad mother and she believed it when everyone else, he himself, Hank, Kim and all their other colleagues always paid her compliments by telling her what a great mother she was. And they hadn't only said it because they wanted to be nice but because it was the truth. Even Adam had told her in all honesty how great she was and Adam usually never wanted to be nice but always tried to tease her, to win against her.

Maybe it was because Bunny's words had confirmed all her feelings from the early stages of her pregnancy, when she had been insecure and scared and had thought she couldn't do this, but for months now everything has been smooth, despite some small struggles every first-time parents went through. She has never doubted her motherhood skills ever since Emilia was born. Because she loved to be a mother and it all came so naturally, like she's never done anything else.

And now she was on the best way to go down this path again, this path of thinking she was a bad mother and Jay knew in this moment he needed to give everything to prove her different. As soon and fast as possible. He wouldn't allow her to stay in this state of mind for so long.

″Erin,″ he whispered and placed a kiss on her hair. ″You're not a bad mother. You are not a bad mother,″ he said emphatically. She changed her position a little and looked up to him and saw raw emotions sparkling in his eyes.

″Bunny's only intention was to hurt you. Because you did what a great mother does: you protected your child from any harm, you protected Emmy from her because Bunny is evil and she was most likely on something. Instead of letting her take a look at her you accepted the possibility that she would maybe try to harm you, would try to hurt you.″

″Maybe I was a little too hard on her. Maybe she was sober. Maybe I...-″

″No Erin, this is not your fault. This is all Bunny and we both know it. You did the right thing,″ he assured her, placing his hand on hers and squeezing it gently.

Erin nodded mechanically. ″I just wanted to protect Emmy.″

″I know. That's one of the reasons why you're an amazing mother, Erin.″

″I just told you a hundred reasons why I'm not,″ she shrugged and moved away from him a little, pulled her hand back.

Jay looked at her and realized that it didn't make sense like this. He needed to change his strategy and try it differently. Make her believe him in another way than just with words. He just needed to find an idea how to do this.

″You know, I feel a little hand-cuffed here, because no matter what I say, it doesn't seem like you want to hear it. But I will tell you this for the rest of my life: You're the best, most loving mother and Emilia and I are very, very, very lucky to have you in our lives.″

″You deserve better,″ she murmured almost unhearable but Jay heard her words anyway. And they hurt. That she thought she was not good enough for him hurt him deeply.

He ignored her remark, acted like he hasn't heard it. At this point, this discussion was senseless. But thanks to her words he suddenly had an idea, more like a last, desperate attempt. He wasn't sure whether it would work in the way he imagined but it was worth a try.

″You know what, how about I prepare a bath for you? It'll maybe help you to take your mind off a little,″ he said and gave her a faint smile.

Erin looked back at him, saw the glimmer of hope in his eyes. He tried so hard to make her feel better and he would for the rest of this evening, more like forever if he had to. She still felt limp and worn out and the idea of taking a long bath wasn't the worst but rather pleasant.

″Yeah, why not,″ she shrugged but failed in giving him even the littlest of smiles.

″Alright,″ he said. ″Is this little lady allowed to join you? She still needs her bath today and I think she'd love to bathe with you.″

″Uhm...if you think that's a good idea,″ she answered, her deep insecurity being all obvious.

″I do,″ he nodded, letting out a long breath he'd held back because he hadn't been sure whether her answer would be yes, but what he was sure about was that Emmy would help her in her very own way.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

Lying in the warm water, surrounded by actual mountains of baby bath foam was the first time since meeting Bunny that Erin felt kinda relaxed and was able to push all of her words in the last corner of her brain. She soaked these moments with Emmy in and just tried to enjoy this little bit of bonding time with her baby girl who was comfortably resting on her chest, obviously enjoying this skin-to-skin time very much, as much as she did. Lost in thoughts, in memories from the last time she'd been in a tub with her, which had been the day of her birth, she stroked over her soft skin and her head, tickled her neck with the tips of her fingers, listened to her steady breathing, felt Emmy's tiny heart beating against her own and when she looked down again, her eyes were closed but the cutest little grin was still on her lips. And for the first time within these last few hours, the faintest of smiles formed on her lips for a brief moment.

″You having sweet dreams, huh?″ Erin whispered and kissed her head. ″You know, when I told Bunny that you're the best thing that has ever happened to me, I meant it. I love you so much and I always thought you've made me a better person. And now...I don't know anymore.″

After finishing their bath, Jay was the one who made Emmy ready for the night while Erin slipped into some clothes as well. As Emmy was wide awake again he placed her down on the activity mat in the living room, showing her the different toys that were hanging above her.

″Look, this is a squirrel,″ he said, showing her the little stuffed squirrel, when Erin shuffled back into the room, her whole frame almost disappearing in Jay's favorite hoodie. But still, she looked better than before. Not as broken anymore. The bonding time with Emmy in the tub had been good for her, had had the effect he hoped it would have. Although it's only been one step into the right direction so far.

″Not so much into sleeping today, huh?″ Erin asked and sat down on the couch, looking over the backrest to watch them, her elbow propped up on it so she could rest her head in her palm.

″It's only 6.30pm, give her half an hour and she's tuckered out, right Emmy?″ he asked and tickled her belly softly.

″Uh-huh,″ she nodded. ″What are you doing with the laptop?″ she asked, motioning her head to the laptop that was on the floor right next to him.

″I need to show you something,″ he answered. ″You join me down here?″

″Yeah...″ she said and his face lit up only by her answer. She sat down right next to him, their backs resting against the back of the couch and Jay placed the laptop in his lap. For a moment Erin looked at her baby, how she kicked with her little feet and arms and seemed to really enjoy herself and her surroundings, staring at the hanging toys above her with her beautiful blue eyes. It was Jay's gentle touch as in grabbing for her hand that let her attention turn to him.

″I made something for you. And I want you to watch it and to listen to the things I say. Try to forget everything that happened today and just focus on the things you see and hear, okay?″

″Jay...-″

″Ssshhh,″ Jay said, silencing her by lying his index finger on her lips. ″Just watch and listen, no talking,″ he added and gave her a little smile before he pressed enter and the black screen disappeared, revealing a black-and-white photo of Erin hugging Noah, or better, Noah hugging Erin wholeheartedly.

″This is you. Back in November. When you were almost the only person who could bring a smile back on this little boy's face. You gave him a home and you were the person he needed in this moment. He felt save and comfortable with you, he trusted you. Because you gave him the love and comfort only a mother could've given him,″ Jay said, pressed enter again and the picture changed. It was another black-and-white photo of her, one he'd taken of her at the farthest point of Navy Pier, one hand resting on her big baby bump protectively, showing him the peace-sign with her other fingers.

″This is you. Forty weeks and three days pregnant. Out on a stroll and finally arriving at Navy Pier after walking along the Lakefront for hours when we tried to encourage labor and to walk Emmy out somehow because she preferred to stay inside of you. Because she felt safe inside of you. Because you did a hell of a job, so she wasn't exactly in a hurry.″

The picture disappeared again and another one appeared. One of her once again, but one she didn't know he'd taken. It was their hospital room and Erin was lying in the bed, connected to the CTG. It was taken from far away, maybe from the doorway, so her face contorted with pain wasn't visible.

″This is you. During your 16-hour labor. I took this photo after I came back from giving Hank an update outside. Although the pain was unbearable you did it all without drugs and I have honestly no idea how you did it and my respect for you is unreal. You were so determined to do this all natural because you didn't want Emmy to be born drugged out, because you were scared an epidural or any other drugs for pain relief could harm her,″ he said, squeezing her hand as he saw that her eyes were filling with tears again. Pressing enter, another photo came up, black-and-white again, like all of them, because he'd edited them like this for the slideshow he'd prepared while Erin had taken her bath. It was the first picture he'd taken after Emilia's birth, minutes after she'd entered the world, and the squishy new-born was resting on Erin's chest, her bright smile overshadowing her exhaustion, pure emotions sparkling from her eyes.

″This is you. Seeing and holding Emmy for the first time. The picture is a little blurry because although I took it a couple of minutes after her birth I was still completely overwhelmed by this moment, by this miracle and my hands were all shaky. Seeing you giving birth to her was the most impressing event of my life and thanks to you she arrived all safe and happy and healthy.″

The picture on the laptop changed again and was replaced by one of Erin sleeping on the couch, their newborn daughter dozing on her chest.

″This is you. During our second night at home. When she simply wouldn't settle and cried all night. I somewhen went to take a cold shower in the middle of the night that should help me to keep my eyes open and when I came back I found the two of you sleeping like this. My heart wanted to explode when I saw my two angels peacefully sleeping. She loves listening to your heartbeat and I guess that's what lulled her to sleep that night and it still does. Because it reminds her of the time in your belly, she felt safe in there and now hearing your heartbeat from outside still makes her feel safe.″

His fingers found the enter-key again and a picture of Erin nursing Emilia in their bedroom flashed up on the screen. She was leaning against some pillows, looking down to her daughter blissfully.

″This is you. Nursing our daughter. Something you'd been so afraid of because you always thought you don't know how to do it, that you couldn't do it. And then she was here and you just simply did it all so easily, like you've never done anything else before. And although your nipples are sometimes sore and sensitive now you still nurse her because it's the best for her, so you don't care that it's not always comfortable for you.″

Another click, another new picture. This time one from only a few days ago. One of Erin's and Emilia's faces, their cheeks resting on each other's and both of them smiling. It was Jay's favorite and the current background picture on his phone. He also wanted to print it and put it on his desk in the bullpen, next to the newborn portrait from the hospital which the professional photographer had taken.

″This is you. Last weekend. Beaming like the brightest star, being undeniably happy. And Emmy is happy, too. I tell you, she's already smiling so much because she's one happy baby. And not only is she happy, she's also lucky, because she has the very best mom and she knows it and that's why she's so happy.″

The next picture which showed up wasn't one of Erin or Emilia but one of Jay. Young Jay. Maybe from seven or so years ago. And it wasn't the Jay she knew. The young man in the picture looked sad and broken and upset, the deepest pain reflecting from his beautiful face, his eyes being empty and somehow colorless. She guessed she looked as miserable today as he did in this picture and her heart ached from only seeing him like this because she didn't get to see this of him too often and not in such an extreme way anyway. To be precise, she's never seen him like this.

″This is me,″ Jay said after a moment of silence and now his voice was hoarse, driven by pure emotions. ″Before I met you.″ Erin lifted her gaze and looked at him and when she saw this raw vulnerability on his face she had the feeling that she could see right into his soul.

He pressed enter again and a collage of various pictures from the past three years appeared. A picture of them at Molly's from the time they'd just been friends, a selfie from their friends-times as well when they'd attended a Hawks game together, selfies and pictures from the last one-and-a-half years since they've been a couple. The Jay in these pics was the Jay she knew, the one with the boyish, mischievous, contagious smile and the all-time sparkling eyes.

″This is me after I met you,″ he said quietly and gave her a moment to look at all the pictures and when he continued to speak Erin was sure she's never heard his voice being this emotional and vulnerable before.

″I know I said that before but meeting you changed my life, Erin. Thanks to you I am who I am because you're the one who brought joy and happiness back into my life when I wondered whether these things still exist. In fact you are my life, Erin and thanks to you I'm living again and furthermore live my dream. So don't you ever say again you're not enough. Because you're everything for me.″

He clicked again and the screen showed another collage, one with all the pictures of Erin he'd shown her before.

″And now look at this and tell on which planet this woman is a bad mother. If this is what a bad mother looks like I don't know how a good mother looks like. So just tell me, Erin,″ he said, his voice turning into a whisper, his emotions doing the talking once again. ″Because for me she's the best. In fact she reminds me a lot of my own mother with her endless love, her gracious empathy and her attitude to always care about everyone around her. My heart aches that she thinks she's not good enough, that she thinks she's a bad mother and other than what I'm doing right now I have no idea how to convince her how amazing she is.″

Of course Erin had listened. To all of his words. Had watched all the pictures that had come with these words and while she kept on staring at the collage, seeing this undeniably happy version of herself, all of his words resounded in her head, drowning Bunny's words. And suddenly the tiniest bit of light broke through the darkness that surrounded her. The dark bubble of thinking she was a bad mother and thinking she wasn't good enough she's been living in for the last couple of hours seemed to lighten up a little. His words had a healing effect on her, just like they usually had. Some single tears were running down her face again, tears of emotion. He'd once again proven why he was her safe haven, had once again caught here when she's already been spiraling but before she completely fell, had once again found the right words, had once again caught her when she was on the edge but before she could jump from the cliff. She still stared at the last collage of pictures as her heart started to feel not as heavy anymore but still far away from the lightheartedness of the previous weeks, far away from the woman on the photos who beamed in happiness.

″Stop being so hard on yourself and giving the words of a woman so much credit who doesn't know anything about you, Er,″ Jay whispered and changed his position a little to sit right in front of her so he could look her directly in the eyes. He cupped part of her cheek and ear with his hand and stroked over her face with his thumb. ″Bunny doesn't know you. Not anymore. She's the very last person to judge what kind of mother you are.″

″What about...what about all the things I told you...why I'm bad...and selfish? That's also me and you can't just forget about them,″ she said, insecurity still clearly surrounding her.

″I don't know at which point you're seeing yourself being selfish, I honestly don't. Yes, you're going to the gym in the mornings to do your workouts and you take her there but is this a problem?″ he asked rhetorically. ″No, it's not, Er. You're not oblidged to give your life up and Emmy doesn't care whether she sleeps in the stroller in the gym or in her bassinet at home. This may get a little complicated once she's crawling or walking and doesn't want to sleep or sit still anymore but for now it's just fine. And yes, you went to Molly's after the Zumba class but is this something bad? No, Erin. You care for her almost 24/7, so going out with some friends and having fun with them for two hours is absolutely not a bad thing. You are allowed, more like you shall do the things that make you happy. You don't have to give up on the things you like to do just because you're a mother. Beyond that you're still an independent woman who's entitled to do whatever she wants to do. That's why the parents-game is a two-people-job, you know?″ he asked, smiling at her faintly.

″And about your job: yes, you're going back to work soon but you're starting it slow because you don't want her to be with someone else so much. It's not like that we hire a full-time nanny so you can go back to work full-time as well. Your job was once the most important thing in your life because it was the one constant thing you had and now you don't even want to work full-time anymore but only up to 50% at some point. Because Emilia is so much more important for you but of course your job is still, too. Although not as important as it's been before. Once again I don't see anything bad there,″ he said, never breaking the eye-contact with her. ″We're living in a time were women don't have to be only housewifes anymore but can rather have a child and a career simultaneously. This doesn't make them bad mothers but more badass mothers,″ he added, giving her a grin and got an actual weak smile back from her in response.

″If I remember correctly all that's left now what makes you think you're a bad mother is the honeymoon thing. Maybe you don't remember anymore but when we booked a couple of days ago we booked for three people. Because you are still not sure whether you can leave her for a whole week or not. You never said you want to go without her, this was in fact my idea and I'm sorry if I pushed you into something you don't feel good with. But leaving her with Hank wouldn't make you a bad mother either, okay? Just the fact how much you think about it, how torn you are whether we should go alone or not shows what a great mother you are, Erin. I need you to believe me how amazing you are and I need you to stop believing people like Bunny. People who only want to hurt you and want to see you down. People who just want to triumph over you and stop at nothing. Believe the people who bring you to your brightest self, who want to see you being the bright star you are, not those who bring you to your lowest self, who want to take your dignity away from you and treat you like garbage. Bunny is a bitter person who enjoys to see people break. To see them down. It gives her some sort of joy seeing someone being weaker than herself. But I promise I will take care that she'll never hurt you again,″ he murmured, the emotion in his voice hearable, before he rested his forehead against hers.

″And there's one last thing I think you need to hear again: Nadia's death is not your fault. And you know that. And you also know that Bunny only said that because she knew how vulnerable you are about it. Once again her words had the simple purpose to hurt you and I know they did hurt immensely. But there's nothing you could've done differently, Erin,″ he said ever so soft and brushed a short kiss against her lips.

″I know it's easier to remember all the negative things we hear, they burn into our minds and we carry them with us for quite a while. And I know it's hard to forget about what Bunny said but don't let her have this much influence on you. Because this is you,″ he said and pointed to the collage again that was still on the screen of the laptop. ″This is who you are. This magnificent human is who you are. This incredible momma is who you are.″

Erin felt more of the light breaking through the darkness, the light slowly prevailing by all of his words and all of his simple gestures. She looked from the picture back to him and then to Emilia who was still awake, lying on her mat like an angel, like she knew her parents needed a little time to talk. She was this little perfect human's mother and this was something she could and should be proud of.

Moving away from Jay a little she slid across the floor to be closer to her daughter. ″I love her so much it scares the shit out of me,″ Erin whispered, stroking Emilia's belly before she lay down right next to her on the floor on her side, pulling herself up to her elbow. ″If something ever happens to her...-″

″Hey hey hey babe,″ Jay interrupted her and lay down behind her, wrapped his arm around her waist to pull her closer. ″Nothing's ever going to happen to her,″ he said quietly into her ear.

″You promise?″ she asked, her voice barely a whisper as she turned her head to him.

He looked at her, saw this vulnerability reflecting from her hazel-green eyes, but being reluctant with answering her request because he couldn't actually promise such a thing. Life was unpredictable, he knew it better than anyone else, and in a world full of tragedy and cruelty, which they in fact witnessed every day in their jobs and also had witnessed on their own already because fate hadn't been their best friend in the past, no one could ever make such a promise. But it was what she needed to hear and so he made a promise he prayed would never never never get broken.

″I promise. I'll protect her with my life and I know you will, too,″ he answered, pressing a kiss on her hair.

″What if something happens to us?″ Erin asked back. It was the one question they've somehow avoided talking about since Emilia's birth. But it was something they really needed to talk about, especially with their jobs. What would happen to Emilia if something happened to them? If the worst-case happened? Who would be the one to take care of her? It was always possible that something happened, they knew whenever they went for a bust or whatever else that it wasn't a given that they would all go home that night. Of course this wasn't what they thought about when they put their vests on because if it was, they should do a different job, but this didn't mean that they weren't aware of the possibilities.

″Can we not talk about this tonight, Er?″ Jay asked. He didn't find that their current situation was appropriate to conduct a conversation about such a heavy topic although Erin seemed to be doing slightly better. ″We will talk about it, but not now, okay? There's enough going on right now.″

″Okay,″ she nodded. They fell into silence again, a quite comfortable one, and only watched their daughter, who still didn't seem to be tired, for a little while before Jay started moving behind her and sat up, his stomach growling in dissatisfaction.

″Are you hungry?″ he asked.

″Naah, not really,″ she answered, turning her head to him.

″Not even for linguine with salmon?″ he asked back.

″Well...″ she answered and the littlest of smiles spread across her lips, one that made Jay happier than any other smile ever had. ″I can't say no to that, right?″

″Nope,″ Jay smirked, getting up to his feet to check the bag of nourishments which was still placed at the kitchen bar. Meanwhile Erin lay down on her back, her head resting on the activity mat next to Emmy's, sharing her current view with her as she looked up to the hanging toys as well.

″Jeez Emmy, how can you look up there for so long without starting to cry?″ she said and chuckled slightly. Jay couldn't believe his ears and his heart flipped a little. Erin would overcome this. It would maybe take some time but she was on a good way already, better than he'd expected her to be by now. Thankfully his words and his little slideshow had helped her because if this hadn't been a success as well, he'd be completely lost and helpless now.

″This is really scary, Emmy but as long as you like it.″ Turning her head a little she pressed a kiss against her daughter's cheek and then kept on doing what Jay had started with earlier; telling her about the various toys that hung above them.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

During dinner Erin even found her appetite again, Jay's famous dish working wonders. She started to feel better with every bite she took and it didn't only have to do with this delicious meal but with Jay in general. This man was a saint. A safer. A gift. And when they later lay in bed, all snuggled up to each other, she was ready to share her deep gratitude with him.

″Jay,″ she said quietly, not wanting to wake their daughter up and also checking whether he was already sleeping since his breathing was so steady.

″Huh?″

″I...I just wanted to thank you. For everything you did today,″ she started, searching for the right words to really express what was going on inside of her. ″You might don't know it but you're a real bright light, Jay. Ever since we're together the darkness that once surrounded me has disappeared thanks to this light. And today, when this darkness started to surround me again, when it invaded me, you proved once again why you are like a light in the darkness, why you are my light in fact. With everything you did today, with every word you said, you lightened up this darkness a little more and although it's not like it's been before yet, I know the sun will shine again soon...because you are here...and I know for sure that without you I would still wandering around in the darkness, lost, waiting for the light to appear to show me where to go...″

Thank y'all for the feedback on my last chapter, I hope you enjoyed this one! Please leave a review and let me know what you think :) I guess it's time for Jay and Bunny to meet now, eh?