99. Little Nugget

I know I sound like a broken record but sorry sorry sorry for not updating sooner. Life just happens to be super busy and I barely find the time towrite. Which is really frustrating and dissatisfying. Thank you to everyone who's still supporting this story. You (and my ambition) are the main reason(s) why I'll finish this story in style, no matter how long it might take me to just write one chapter these days. So here is chapter 99...there are still a couple more left ;-)

99. Little Nugget

~ When we lose one blessing, another is often most unexpectedly given in its place ~

Jay didn't know how long they've been standing in the silence of their bedroom, holding each other as if their lives depended on it as they both cried about a circumstance that should actually make them both smile ever so bright, that should make him swirl her through the air and kiss and caress her stomach because he couldn't keep his joy and happiness within himself. But they were both still too traumatized from what had happened over six months ago, when he'd found her in the shower, a puddle of blood by her feet and the red liquid running down her thighs as her body had rejected their tiny miracle in the 11th week of her pregnancy. And knowing that there'd been a reason, that any baby they would ever conceive had only a 15% chance to survive the first trimester, this new pregnancy was anything but a happy occasion. Because they both knew very well what could and most likely eventually would happen at any given time of any given day. Their baby leaving its safe place inside of Erin's stomach way too early to join the stars and its sibling in heaven.

″I can't lose another child,″ Erin whispered when she finally lifted her head from his chest, her voice and hazel-green orbs full of fear and anguish and heartbreak, it was almost too much for him to take. Yet, it was the exact mirror of the feelings and emotions that were written across his face.

″Maybe we won't,″ Jay answered in an attempt of trying to think positive. But they both knew too well about the chances of such an outcome. They were highly unlikely, so there wasn't such a thing as thinking positive and bringing their hopes up in any way. ″Or maybe the test showed a wrong result,″ he suggested instead.

This was just as weak of a possibility as them beating the odds of having another healthy baby after 40 weeks of pregnancy. ″I'm pretty sure the test's got it right,″ Erin said.

″Then we should probably go and see Dr. Hanson. Maybe she can tell us what-″

″No,″ she interrupted him instantly and shook her head vehement. ″I can't...I can't...″ her voice broke and tears started to run down her cheeks again as she swallowed down some sobs. ″I can't see the baby on the screen...and fall in love with it...knowing...knowing that I'm going to lose it. That it will never be here with us. I can't,″ she sobbed, wiping her tears away with her hand.

″Erin,″ Jay interjected softly but once again she didn't let him talk.

″No,″ she said once more. ″Let's just wait for my body doing...what we know it will do,″ she breathed out, her whole body shaking by this thought and Jay knew exactly which pictures and memories were flooding her mind right now. ″And afterwards...one of us is going to get the cut so this can never happen again.″

Even though he didn't like this thought, he had to agree that it probably wasn't the worst idea in order to protect themselves from any more heartbreaks and months of grief and putting the broken pieces of their life back together. This was the second time that she'd gotten pregnant accidentially and with Erin's diagnosis, they'd agreed on no further pregnancies for obvious reasons. But since it seemed like she got pregnant accidentially whenever there was the chance – two out of two was a pretty impressive rate after all - they should better change something about it by one of them getting the cut, especially with their diagnosis. Because he knew as well as she did that they couldn't handle any more losses. Not even the one that seemed to be inevitable, the one they now had to wait for.

″Yeah,″ Jay nodded pensively and they fell into another moment of deafening silence as they both tried to deal with these news about another little human, this child of absolute, pure love growing under Erin's heart.

″Nobody can ever know about that,″ Erin whispered at some point, her eyes falling on her flat and trained stomach that didn't show any hints of a pregnancy just yet. Or did it out of a sudden not look all flat anymore?

This statement had his full attention from one second to the other. ″We have to tell Hank. You can't do the dangerous stuff, like busts and chases.″

″Why not?″ she asked back, her voice still faint and defeated. ″It doesn't change the outcome, does it?″ she shrugged as if she didn't care but Jay could see her lips trembling.

″No, Erin,″ he said emphatically, bringing his hands up to her cheeks so she had to look at him. ″We're not going to reduce these 15% any further by you still chasing criminals or letting them fire their weapons at you. Because as much as we won't allow ourselves to bring our hopes up, there is this 15% chance that our baby will still be with us in a couple of weeks. And those 15% are worth the desk duty.″

″If I ask for desk duty, everyone will know what's going on,″ Erin retorted. ″And I don't want anyone to know. And I also want us to act like there's no baby because soon there won't be one anymore. So we just...move on...like it doesn't exist. No kisses on my stomach, no talking, no caressing and no mentioning the baby. So maybe...maybe it won't be as hard then...″ her voice trailed off towards the end and the tears made a comeback because deep down inside she knew that it would be hard no matter how much she tried to ignore the fact that she was pregnant, that they'd created yet another little miracle that was half her and half Jay.

″I can do that,″ Jay agreed, understanding her reasons of not wanting this pregnancy to become the center of their lives because all too soon it would be gone anyway. ″But I will not watch you putting on your vest and holstering your weapon every day, okay?″ he asked softly, his eyes showing so much love and concern and heartbreak that it overwhelmed her.

″Jay, I can't tell Hank that-″

This time it was Jay who interrupted her. ″You don't have to,″ he assured her instantly, telling her about his plan right away. For a second he'd considered asking Will for putting her on sick leave without telling him the actual reasons. But first of all would the ginger probably figure it out pretty fast and second of all would Erin go nuts staying at home for weeks, waiting for the baby to leave her body. She needed the distraction the bullpen provided, especially right now. However, he probably needed to do some persuading.

″We'll make our lovely Crispin the bad guy. Tell Hank you tripped over him in the park when he ran around your feet and you contused your left shoulder. You will have to wear a sling, which of course makes it impossible for you to use your gun, so you have to be on desk duty.″

If he's got it right, she was around seven to eight weeks pregnant, which meant five weeks of hiding and keeping this a secret that just the two of them knew. In case Erin didn't miscarry way before those five weeks, leaving them in a state of grief and heartbreak any time between now and the weeks before Christmas.

″I will have to wear a sling 24/7 in case anyone sees me outside of the precinct,″ she put two and two together quickly. And she didn't like that thought. ″With one arm in a sling I would usually have trouble managing my daily routine, like carrying Emmy, going grocery shopping, driving a car, changing the sheets, simply everything. How will I justify to still be able to take care of Emilia and manage everything that comes with it?″

″We'll make it work, Er, okay? We'll figure it all out over the weekend and make it sound reasonable, I promise,″ he said softly.

Erin knew she didn't have a choice in this case, his soft, pleading voice pulling on her heartstrings. If her ever-protective husband wanted her to stay behind a desk, she would do it for him. But they didn't have many options when it came to making up a story.

″Maybe we'll come up with a better idea over the weekend,″ he encouraged her with a shy wink.

″Okay,″ she finally agreed and Jay leaned in to kiss her forehead in relief before he pulled her into his embrace once more to hold her for just a tad bit longer.

″Mama hungy,″ Emilia's sweet voice suddenly appeared from somewhere close and turning their heads to the door, their eyes found Emilia and Crispin standing in the doorway, the inseperable duo looking at them expectantly.

″You're hungry again?″ Erin forced a smile as she approached her daughter and knelt down in front of her. ″So I guess you're feeling a lot better, huh?″

″Yaah, me well,″ she nodded eagerly, her famous, precious, heart-melting smile making a comeback for the first time since she'd caught the stomach bug.

″Well, princess,″ Jay said when he joined them, kneeling down as well, ″When there's one thing I've learned it's that you never let a girl wait too long when she's hungry because this could end baaaaad, especially when you're anything like your mom,″ he chuckled and tickled her stomach and for a mili-second, Erin's lips curved into a smile as well by her husband being his usual, silly self, just as if their world hasn't been shaken to the core once more recently. ″So do you want to help me and mommy with cooking dinner?″

″Yes, me do,″ she answered and reached her arms out for him so he could pick her up.

″Alright, to the kitchen then,″ Jay smiled as he picked her up and swirled her through the air before settling her on his hip.

They cooked together, listening to the music on the radio, Emilia trying to sing along in the most adorable way, and then enjoyed a dinner that was still not too heavy because they didn't want to make Emilia's stomach bug a return. A quick evening stroll through the darkness of this November evening was followed by reading her The Very Hungry Caterpillar and she fell asleep even before the caterpillar changed into the most beautiful butterfly, which meant they would read her the story again tomorrow. They brought her to her room together, kissed her goodnight and then watched some movie in the living room while eating chips, Crispin resting by their legs until he would go to Emmy's room later.

Everything was normal, like there wasn't this big, dark cloud hovering above them, ready to let the rain pour down on them any second. But in fact, nothing was normal or even close to being normal and so when Erin fell asleep in Jay's arm not even half way through the film, the nightmares came right away.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

″Erin!″ Antonio called out as soon as they both walked into the bullpen three days later, on Monday morning, Erin's left arm in a sling. Their minds hadn't come up with any other brilliant idea and so they'd gone with Jay's suggestion of a contused shoulder. ″What happened to your arm?!″ he asked with genuine concern and within two seconds, all the boys gathered around them, wanting to make sure that she was alright. They were without a doubt the sweetest colleagues on earth and she couldn't tell in words how much she loved them.

″Uhm, it's nothing bad, guys,″ she told them instantly, inhaling a deep breath as she felt another wave of nausea coming up. The first one since Friday morning and of course it couldn't have hit her over the weekend but had to hit her now, when she was standing in the bullpen, surrounded by all her team members. She only hoped she could swallow it down and neither had to make a run for her life to the toilet, nor would literally throw up all over their feet.

″She tripped over Crispin in the park yesterday, so it was just one of these stupid, unnecessary accidents,″ Jay jumped in for the rescue since he saw his wife fighting with what he knew had to be nausea. ″We went to the ER to get her checked out and they diagnosed a contused shoulder which means she has to take it easy for a couple of weeks.″

Erin glanced at Jay and in case she had the time to give him kudos later, she definitely would, because for the very first time even she couldn't tell he was lying. Usually he was a horrible liar, she'd teased him countless times about that, but today he had his pokerface on point, like he usually only had during undercover gigs, and seeing the guys's reactions, it was clear they didn't doubt this story either.

″Oh no,″ Antonio said, a whole lot of compassion displaying from his face.

″That's terrible, Linds,″ Kevin commented Jay's white lie.

″I'll be okay,″ Erin smiled through gritted teeth. ″It hurts a lot but I'll live. And if you could now excuse me for a second,″ she added, pushing her way through the boys because she couldn't possibly hold the nausea down any longer. She tried to walk towards the locker room casually and then sprinted into the restroom, barely making it to the toilet bowl before it was too late and she sensed that she would find herself in this position – hunched in front of the toilet bowl and vomitting her guts out - many more times in the near future. And while she later cleaned her mouth with as much cold water as possible to get rid of this terrible taste, she wondered how on earth she was supposed to ignore the fact that she was with a child when she got reminded of it frequently.

Reality was, she wouldn't be able to ignore this pregnany, no matter how hard she tried, but this didn't mean that she was anywhere near of being able to accept this reality. And this stupid sling around her neck combined with working the desk didn't help the tiniest bit to take her mind off since she couldn't lose herself in speedy chases with the 300 and exciting busts that would make her adrenaline levels go through the roof. And all of this fuss in order to keep something safe that her body would reject anyway.

It almost seemed ironic.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

Erin was still pregnant two weeks later. Obviously pregnant to be precise. A tiny bump right in the center of her body, forming under any kind of tight shirt or top which meant she's only been wearing wider clothes to work for the last couple of days, ever since their baby – that tiny human that Erin still tried to ignore but which turned out to be an even bigger challenge now - has started to make its appearance obvious. And as she was standing in front of her wardrobe on Tuesday morning in the Thanksgiving-week, she was wondering whether it was possible that her bump had doubled its size compared to yesterday morning because she had some slight button-troubles. Button-troubles that she hadn't had only 24 hours ago.

″Holy crap,″ she cursed loudly, trying to finally close the button almost violently but failing miserably.

Within a second, Jay came running from the ensuite bathroom, pure worry written across his face. ″What's wrong?″ he asked with wide eyes.

″Look at that,″ she snorted angrily as she turned around, revealing the problem she had with her jeans and Jay couldn't hold back a tiny smile by the sight of her obvious baby bump that he hasn't mentioned so far although he's very well seen it for days already. There was no way she would be able to close it without that it would be hella uncomfortable. Or that the button would eventually pop.

″How is it possible that I'm already showing?″ she asked and after first hating the idea with the sling – because other than when she was at home she had to wear it all the time and even when someone came to visit them she had to pretend her shoulder was injured – she now was thankful for it because next to wearing wider pullovers, she could easily carry her arm right in front of her stomach to hide the small bump that's started to form very soon and very fast after finding out she was pregnant more than two weeks ago.

″Maybe you're further along than we thought,″ he shrugged, a glimmer of hope in his eyes that maybe, just maybe, this baby was safe already.

″Not possible,″ Erin denied, taking away this hope with just two simple words. ″Iceland was the first time we slept together in months. So I can't be further along than 9 or 10 weeks,″ she said, adding with a frustrated sigh: ″I'm anyway already showing. With Emmy I didn't until I was 14 or 15 weeks.″

″Women usually start to show earlier the second time around,″ he said with a small smile, forgetting for a second that this wasn't her second pregnancy. ″So I'd say that's pretty normal.″

″But that's not...,″ she whispered, her voice breaking just like it had so often recently. ″That's not the second time around,″ she finally managed to say, her voice barely a whisper. ″And with the last pregnancy I never showed although I was more than 11 weeks by the time we lost it.″ A single tear rolled down her face and Jay closed the gap between them, brushing it away with his thumb.

″Hey, babe,″ he said ever so soft, immediately giving his best to make up for what he'd just said. ″Maybe not showing last time meant our baby already didn't grow anymore, you know? So maybe this growing bump is a good sign that our little nugget is healthy and growing and strong,″ he added emphatically and placed his hand on her bump for the very first time. A gesture that made her gasp for air as if his touch burned her skin.

″Jay don't,″ she whispered, looking down at his hand and then closing her eyes for a second to take in the feeling of his hand protectively covering her abdomen although she actually didn't want to allow herself to enjoy this even a little because it felt like if she did, it would suddenly be taken away from her. In fact, the closer she got to those 12 weeks, the less relaxed she got since even more than 11 weeks weren't enough to keep the baby inside of her last time. And so she was actually afraid of reaching 11 weeks yet again.

″No,″ Jay whispered back, glancing down as well and pressing his hand even harder against the fabric of her top, his thumb softly stroking over the bump that formed under it. Ever since he'd first recognized their baby growing, he's been more inclined to think positive. ″Our baby is very obviously growing. You still throw up almost every morning and your morning sickness is in fact worse than with Em. You constantly complain how your bras seem to get a little tight. And let's not forget that you have clementines stacked at your desk because you crave them like crazy,″ he chuckled slightly. She was indeed craving clementines this pregnancy since she could eat them at any given time of the day. Combined with ginger ale, that she had in her non-sheer water bottle, and saltines, the orange fruits were what helped her to keep her nausea more or less down and she was basically eating them all day long.

″So maybe we should allow ourselves to be cautiously optimistic,″ he said in a final sentence.

″No, Jay, we can't-″ she shook her head.

″We won't picture our life with another baby. We won't talk about names or the gender or anything that comes with it. But look at this, Er,″ he said, moving his hand from her stomach to her side so her small bump was revealed. ″Our little nugget makes its presence known, so the least we can do is not denying it completely,″ he smiled faintly and grabbed her hand to place it on her abdomen. ″Maybe it'll beat the odds.″

At first, she seemed too shocked to move but then, after a couple of seconds, her fingers caressed her bump gently. For the very first time. ″Little nugget?″ she asked, only now picking up on the nickname Jay's used, and she lifted her head and looked up to him, tears brimming in her eyes yet again.

″Yeah,″ Jay smiled, placing his hand atop hers. ″Little nugget.″

And just like that and against better judgement, the baby they'd agreed to ignore, they'd promised each other not to bond with, had a nickname. A nickname that would one day hopefully turn into a real name and not into another star on the nightsky. Because no matter that they were now allowing themselves to be cautiously optimistic didn't mean that their baby was safe. They were still two or three very long weeks away from that. Two or three weeks in which Erin's body could reject the baby at any point, like last time, when they'd lost it just a couple of days before reaching the 12 weeks that were considered the safety zone.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

″Emilia Camille!″ Erin called when she found her daughter jumping on the couch in the afternoon. As always on a Tuesday, she'd only worked until 2:30pm, had then picked up Emmy from Carol's daycare, had bought a couple of fruits and vegetables at some farmer's market in the neighborhood of Beverly and had then returned home ten minutes ago, leaving Emilia in the living room with all of her toys and Crispin while she got rid of the sling – that she purposefully placed in the kitchen in case an unexpected visitor would show up – and changed into a comfy pair of leggins and a hoodie that was actually hers and not Jay's but covered her tiny bump perfectly anyway.

″Stop that,″ she said strictly and for a second, Emmy actually stopped though only to look at her mom provokingly before continuing to jump as if she hadn't heard or understood her. Erin knew exactly that Emmy'd very well understood what she'd said. Only that the little girl loved to challenge her mother by doing the exact opposite thing. She's been doing this a lot lately, ever since the weather didn't any longer allow them to spend as much time as possible outside in their backyard or at some playground. And so it seemed like they were already dealing with the terrible two's although their daughter wasn't even two years old yet.

″Emilia, I won't say it again,″ Erin said once more. ″Stop it and come down from the couch.″

Emilia kept on jumping and giggling like she didn't care about the words that had left her mother's lips and so the drama that followed was inevitable. Erin joined her by the couch to pick her up into her arms, which resulted in immediate, angry crying, a sound that shrilled in Erin's ears like some alarm device.

″Nooooooo,″ Emilia screamed, kicking with her feet and hands and squirming in Erin's hold, her crying intensifying with every second that passed as she was getting all worked up about it.

″I know life's hard, Emmy,″ Erin said casually, trying to ignore the loud screaming as she carried her daughter upstairs, keeping her cool despite Emilia's fierce behavior and angry screaming. ″But when mommy or daddy say no, it means no, bug,″ she told her. ″Unfortunately I guess that's something you'll only learn over the span of the next 16 years,″ she added with a sigh.

″Noooooo,″ Emilia continued to cry and threw her head against Erin's chest.

″That's your favorite word to say but not to hear, right?″ Erin asked, conitnuing to act like she was totally calm and everything was peachy when in fact she hated those tantrums and meltdowns more than she allowed herself to admit. They were without a doubt the worst part of parenting but those moments belonged to parenthood and the process of growing up just as much as the wonderful moments did since toddlers up to the 4th year of age haven't developed good coping skills and so they tended to just lose it instead, giving their parents the challenge to tame them.

″Here you go. Mommy will be right over there, okay?″ she said after stepping inside of Emmy's nursery and placing her on the rug in front of her crib before taking a seat in the rocking chair close by and watching her pouding the floor and screaming all her anger off.

Eventually the crying and screaming faded although it had taken as long that Erin'd in between wondered how long a toddler could scream before getting a sore throat. With tears still running down her face, Emilia got up and walked over to where Erin was sitting in the rocking chair.

″Mama,″ she whined, reaching her arms out for her.

″Come here, bug,″ Erin smiled weakly and picked her up into her lap. She cleaned her little face with a tissue and then pressed her head against her chest while she kissed her soft hair. ″Sometimes I have to be strict but never forget I love you, Emilia Camille Halstead. So so much,″ she whispered, burying her face in Emilia's light brown hair that was done in a high ponytail.

″You know Emmy, it just stopped raining earlier, so how about we take Crispin for a walk and I show you something super cool?″ she asked her daughter after minutes of cuddling in silence, while she'd thought about things they could do outside despite the weather and everything being wet, and she got up from the rocking chair to carry her downstairs and make her ready for this short adventure that definitely had the potential to make the toddler all smiles again. She put her into her fleece jacket and rain jacket, covered her head with a matching beanie and then helped her to get her rubber boots on before slipping into very own rubber boots and her winter parka – it wasn't actually that cold yet but with just some leggins and a hoodie, the parka seemed to be the perfect choice to keep her warm.

With Crispin's leash in one hand and holding Emilia's hand safely in her other hand, they walked through the neighborhood and along all those beautiful houses until they reached some little park, the heavy rainfall having left some puddles on the path that led through it.

″Come on, Em, I show you something,″ Erin smiled and walked closer to one of those big puddles. ″I didn't have the most memorable childhood, but jumping in puddles was one of the good memories, so I think I should pass this on,″ she said and stepped into the puddle, Emilia following her without reluctance while Crispin stayed back and watched them curiously.

″And now let's jump,″ Erin encouraged her, taking her by both of her hands and making the first jump, the water splashing everywhere and Emilia instantly joined the fun, loud squeals and giggles filling the park as this was the kind of jumping Emilia was allowed to do.

Crispin ran around them and barked joyfully, getting all wet in the process as Erin and Emilia continued to jump up and down, this being one of those wonderful moments that made every meltdown forget.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

Erin was tossing and turning from one side to the other in the very early hours of Thanksgiving and if Jay wouldn't be wide awake himself, the constant movement had definitely cut his sleep short. If today wasn't Thanksgiving – which meant it was the due date of the baby they'd lost in April – he would be deeply concerned about her insomnia. But because it was 22 November today, he knew exactly what caused her insomnia: the same thoughts that kept him from sleeping as well.

″Er,″ he whispered into the darkness of their bedroom. ″Stop,″ he said softly and pulled her closer to his body, wrapping his arm around her waist so she would stop moving, and a lifetime consisting of silence seemed to pass before any of them spoke again.

″There are those pictures when I close my eyes,″ she whispered, the warmth radiating from his body and being pulled into him giving her comfort. ″They haunt me in my dreams and make me feel like I'm spiraling with nowhere to hold.″

″Then I will hold you now,″ Jay said quietly, leaving a gentle kiss on her neck.

″I can't stop thinking whether we would already have our baby or whether we would still wait for it and how this day could be entirely different,″ she continued to share her thoughts and emotions that described Jay's pretty precisely as well. ″We could now be awake for a total different reason. We should be,″ she breathed out bitterly, being on the verge of tears.

″Yeah,″ Jay agreed. ″All those what-if scenarios playing in my head and messing with my brain...they hurt in a way that I feel like I can't properly breathe. But then I'm trying to remind myself that our baby had to serve a bigger purpose. Being a guardian angel for all of us and probably sending this baby and keeping it safe,″ he whispered towards the end, his hand moving to her stomach to cover it protectively, a gesture that still made her flinch because she tried as hard as she possibly could to protect herself from bonding with their unborn child, from the reality that she was pregnant.

″And whatever happens next, Er, we'll get through it. We'll give everything to not let any drama break us. As long as you're there no tragedy will be strong enough to take me down and as much as I feel like I can't breathe, as long as you're there, I'll not choke because you're my lifeline. And I know you won't either. Because I'll be there to help you breathing in case you feel like the air is trapped in your lungs and the pain threatens to eat you up,″ he said emphatically. ″I know this day will be hard and it's okay that it is, Er. We lost something so precious that it's impossible to ignore the pain this day brings. But we've got each other. And that's what gives us the strength to get through this day. Through anything.″

She turned around by his words, his hands now resting on her waist as she gazed at him in the darkness, the suspicious sparkle being visible anyway. ″I love you,″ she said ever so quiet and honest, her hands traveling to his cheeks to caress them gently before she pressed her lips against his softly, and this sweet love declaration was one of the last things he'd expected in this situation. ″I couldn't go through all of this without you by my side. Just remember that the next time I'm trying to push you away...like when...″ she said, leaving her sentence unfinished but of course Jay understood the unspoken – when this pregnancy would end suddenly within the next three weeks.

″Sshhhhh,″ he silenced her with yet another soft kiss. ″I love you, too.″ Those were the most important words right now, the only ones that really mattered and their soft kiss seemed to understand the meaning of these words as it deepened all by itself, still not losing a tiny bit of its softness that displayed all the vulnerability that was currently surrounding them, the salty taste of her tears melting into it perfectly.

When they'd slept with each other for the first time after losing the baby, they'd both thought this had been the most vulnerable it has ever been and would ever be between them but as they lost themselves in each other in those early hours of Thanksgiving, when the clock hands showed barely 5am, when even burying himself deep inside of her was ever so unhurried and somehow sensitive, it was probably even more vulnerable than it had been back in Iceland, in that night when their baby had probably been conceived while making love under the northern lights.

And just like it had been emotional healing back then, it was emotional healing in a different way right now as well. Because moving on didn't take a day. It took lots of little steps to break free of one broken self. And this was just another one of them.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

″Eriiiiiin,″ Luke called excitedly when he came running into the kitchen later in the morning, while Erin was storing away the leftovers from breakfast. The way this kid was radiating with joy whenever he saw her could make her heart burst anytime. And these days, with her hormones being crazily wild und unpredictable, it was almost enough to make her cry.

″Hey buddy,″ Erin smiled with glassy eyes and knelt down to welcome the boy she still considered and always would consider her foster-son.

″How's your arm?″ he asked, eyeing the sling that was still protecting her alleged injured shoulder.

″It's already a little better than a couple of days ago,″ Erin winked at Luke who'd been genuinely and sweetly concered about her well-being when he'd first seen her arm in a sling.

″That's good,″ Luke smiled back, changing the topic quickly. ″You should see the cake mommy and I baked, it's sooooooo big,″ he said enthusiastically, showing her the size of the cake with the help of his arms, already falling over by trying to do so.

″Careful, Luke,″ Erin chuckled, steadying him with her healthy arm. ″You don't want to end up with your arm in a sling as well, right?″

″Nooo,″ he shook his head.

″Hey guys, here we come,″ Jay, who'd picked up Rylie and Luke at their place just after breakfast, announced as he stepped into the kitchen in this very moment, carrying Rylie's masterpiece cake that was indeed quite big, Rylie walking behind him, carrying a huge box with stuff they would need to prepare all the food for their feast.

″Wow, that's some cake,″ Erin laughed. This girl seriously had some talent when it came to baking and decorating cakes and make them look like they were made by the fanciest bakery in town, she actually admired her for that. No cake seemed to be too difficult for her to try. ″You outdid yourself with this one, Ry. And I'm sure we can feed an army with it.″

″Hey, you told me there's lots of people coming,″ Rylie chuckled, hugging Erin carefully as soon as she'd placed the box on the counter.

″Yeah, quite some,″ Erin grinned. She was excited to spend this day with so many people she loved, not only because they provided distraction and made this day more bearable. With her brother, that she hadn't thought she'd see alive again. With Michael and Susan who would stay with them until Sunday to spend some precious time with their nephew, his wife and the little girl they considered their granddaughter. With Hank, of course, because there was no Thanksgiving without her father-figure. Unfortunately without Robert and Carol - who seemed to get closer every day, an official announcement that they were a thing only a matter of time – as they celebrated with Will, Natalie, Owen, Natalie's parents and Owen's grandmother Helen. And without Teddy, her brother staying at the ranch in California to spend Thanksgiving with the kids who didn't have a family other than him and the other people on the ranch.

″Talking about that,″ Jay interposed with a glance at the watch around his wrist. ″I should probably go and pick up Susan and Michael from the airport.″

″Okay,″ Erin nodded. ″Rylie and I will start with anything easy,″ she added with a chuckle, eyeing all the ingredients in the box and those that were already waiting on the counter for further preparation.

″Yeah, that would be wise,″ Jay winked. ″Not that you end up injuring your other arm as well by cutting your hand off or whatever other catastrophe only you could create with a knife.″

″Two arms in slings, wouldn't that be something?″ she raised her eyebrow at him, a dimpled smile surrounding her lips.

″Nope, not an option,″ he grinned and gave her a short but sweet kiss for goodbye. ″I love you.″

″I love you, too,″ she whispered.

″You guys are too cute,″ Rylie mocked laughingly but they chose to ignore her teasing remark and shared another kiss just to prove their point.

″Erin, can I turn the TV on?″ Luke asked, staring up at them as they exchanged this short but sweet kiss. Whether it was Luke or Emilia, they both seemed to interrupt such moments on purpose.

″At 9.00 in the morning? I don't think so,″ she answered casually. ″You can go and play in your fort or you can play with Emmy and Crisp in the living room,″ she said, motioning her head to where Emmy was sitting on her huge play mat, trying to build a tower with some wooden bricks, just like she'd earlier done with Erin together, this being the reason why some leftovers from breakfast yet had to be stored away.

As expected, Luke wasn't exactly pleased about her answer but Jay jumped in for the rescue before this morning could take an unpleasant turn with a very unhappy kid. ″Hey Luke, how about you and Emmy come to the airport with me? If we leave now, we'll be there early enough to watch a couple of planes landing and taking off.″

In an instant, his face lit up. ″Can I? Can I?″ he jumped up and down in front of his mother, being all excited and smiley out of a sudden. Jay surely always had an idea to save the day.

″Yeah, I guess that's fine,″ Rylie smiled.

″Yaaaaay,″ he beamed. ″Let's go!″

″Alright, that's that,″ Jay chuckled and went to the living room to pick Emilia up, so Rylie and Erin would at least have around one-and-a-half hours without getting interrupted by a kid craving for attention.

″Thank you,″ Erin smiled at her husband as he maneuvered Luke and Emmy to the hallway. It took almost ten minutes until everyone was dressed in jackets, shoes and beanies and then in their car seats, so the silence after the Audi had driven off was quite welcome and definitely a rare occasion.

″Sooooo, you never told me about the rescheduled date you had two weeks ago. And the dates you had last week, when Luke stayed with us again,″ Erin mentioned casually as the two women emptied the box to arrange everything on the counter.

″Huh,″ Rylie chuckled nervously, her cheeks blushing. ″It was good.″

″Good? And that's it?″ Erin dug deeper. She would never admit that she was curious but damn, she couldn't hide her curiosity away either.

″I guess,″ Rylie shrugged. ″We'll go out again on Sunday.″

″Now that's what I wanted to hear,″ Erin laughed. ″You wanna tell me more about your secret Mr. X?″

″Uhm,″ Rylie smiled, blushing even more. ″He's super sweet and attentive and when he hugs me, I feel like nothing bad can ever happen because his arms around me are so protecting and comforting.″

″Those are the best hugs,″ she winked in response. ″Any chance I know him?″

She would neither have to be a detective nor need to know the answer to know that the word that left Rylie's mouth was a lie. ″No,″ she answered too quick, trying to hide an obvious smile.

″Too bad. I already thought that the single-guy on our team will soon be taken,″ she winked again.

Her head shot up by her words, her grey orbs wide. ″You know?″ she exclaimed. ″He promised me not to tell anyone-″

″Hey Ry,″ Erin said calmly, placing her hand on her shoulder. ″He didn't tell anyone. Neither me nor Jay nor anyone else. That day when you wanted to leave Luke with us because you had a date and I had to cancel because Emmy was sick was the day when Kevin's date was cancelled. And well...I'm a detective for a reason, I saw you interact at the soccer tournament and so I put two and two together...I'm sorry for being so blunt. I'm just happy for him. And for you, of course. He's a great guy and he's exactly what you deserve.″

″I'm not so sure about that,″ Rylie answered meekly.

″What do you mean?″ Erin frowned.

″Maybe he's too good for me,″ she shrugged, rummaging through the box to busy herself and put the remaining stuff on the counter. ″Maybe I can't...do relationships.″

Only when breathing those words out, it clicked. That Rylie has never been in a relationship so far. That no guy has ever been with her because he appreciated her company but because she could satisfy his needs. With her past, men had always been clients for her who guaranteed her income. But they'd never been a partner. Never someone to share a life with. Someone to love. And probably no one could understand her insecurities more than Erin could. Because a long time ago, she'd been there, at this very point, being unable to do relationships. But then this blue-eyed, freckled man she nowadays called husband walked into her life, being the missing and perfectly fitting piece to the puzzle she was, one that she'd never known she needed, showing her what it meant to be loved unconditionally, to have someone by your side who had the unyielding power to never give up on you, someone who made you toss all your commitment issues overboard and turned your world upside down in the most scaring, yet most wonderful way it could get turned upside down.

″Would you believe me if I now told you that not even six years ago, I thought I can't do relationships either?″ she smiled encouragingly.

″That's impossible,″ she answered.

″Ry, you know my story. Do you think it was any different for me?″ Erin asked softly. ″When Jay and I first started as an affair and those feelings developed in a rapid pace, I was scared out of my mind. Suddenly there was someone who kissed me like I've never been kissed before. Who touched me like I've never been touched before. Who stirred up feelings that I've never felt before. It was the most beautiful experience but it was also overwhelming and scary. I was falling for him hard and fast and believe me when I tell you the struggle was real,″ she chuckled slightly. ″Suddenly there was someone who saw something in me that I just never saw. Who saw someone who was worth fighting for, who was worth never giving up on. And for the first time in my life I wanted to be the exact person that he saw, the person that I didn't know I was or could be. So all those issues seemed to fade and I realized I want to spend the rest of my life with him. And when we finally were in a relationship, it took me forever to tell him I love him because it was the very first time to show that kind of commitment. Again I was scared, because he was one of the few good things going on in my life, in fact, the best thing in my life, and I was used to those good things being taken away from me. So being able to do relationships was a process and it wasn't always easy. But when the right person crosses your path, everything is possible and you should just go for it.″

Rylie admired Erin for having a way with words, truly and deeply because she had the unique ability to always make her feel better. ″So this is basically you're kicking my butt and telling me to give it a shot?″ Rylie laughed.

She nodded her head, smiling brightly: ″I'm glad you got the message.″

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

Erin was sitting on the couch next to Emilia, who was sitting in Susan's lap as the two of them scrolled through a new book that she'd gotten from Michael and Susan earlier, Michael and Luke were building some kind of airport with lego bricks in the living room, Hank was busy adding some last herbs to his famous cranberry sauce and Rylie and Jay were finishing all of the apetizers when the doorbell rang, signalising that Olive, Justin and the boys had finally managed to come over, just in time before everyone would sit down to dig into the squash soup, turkey, mashed potatoes, glazed carrots, green bean caserole and pumpkin pie.

″About damn time,″ Jay welcomed them with a bright smile when he opened the door but the smile fell from his face when he met Olive's gaze and quickly realized that one person was missing.

″I'm sorry we're late, Jay,″ Olive apologized with a sigh, letting Henry down on the floor so he could follow his brother inside the house.

″I was just joking, Olive. I know exactly how hard it is to be on time with kids,″ he winked encouragingly.

″Yeah, it's not always easy,″ the young woman said, her voice beat and somehow unsteady, like she'd cried not long ago, her puffy eyes hinting toward that as well.

″Are you okay?″ Jay asked softly.

″Yeah,″ Olive nodded quickly, stepping inside as well and closing the door behind her. ″I'm good.″

″Is Justin-?″

″He's not coming,″ Olive interrupted him, lowering her head because she couldn't hold his gaze. ″He said he doesn't feel up to be with people,″ she breathed out, inhaling deeply before adding: ″And he said there's nothing he is thankful for this year. And Jay honestly, I didn't feel up for that fight.″

″I understand,″ he said, placing his hand on her shoulder to give her some comfort. His heart ached for his sister-in-law, who looked like a picture of a misery. ″Why don't you already go inside while I go and have a talk with him?″

″Jay don't. It will only make things worse.″

″It won't,″ Jay assured her. ″I think I know what's going on inside of him, so I just want to give it a shot.″

With these words, he pushed past her, grabbed the key they had for their house and closed the door from the outside before the woman with the strawberry blonde hair could argue. He almost ran to their neighbor's house and didn't even consider using the doorbell but instead put the key in the lock instantly to let himself in.

″Justin,″ he called.

He didn't get an answer. Not that he'd expected one. Calling him had rather been a polite way to show his brother-in-law that he'd allowed himself in. ″Justin,″ he called again.

Eventually he found him sitting in his wheelchair in the living room, staring out of the window and watching the rain fall down from the sky on this grey Thanksgiving day.

″Hey man, what's going on?″ he asked lightly, giving him a pat on the back. ″Food is almost ready and we're waiting for you. You don't wanna miss this feast, believe me.″

″I'm not hungry,″ Justin answered stoically.

″Is that so?″ Jay raised his eyebrow at the younger man and sat down on the edge of the couch close by so he could be eye to eye with him. ″Because that would be fine. You don't actually have to eat anything. So what are you waiting for?″ he challenged him.

″Jay, leave it, okay? I don't feel like celebrating and being around people.″

″And I get that, man. I really do. Because I've been there-″

″No, you haven't,″ Just disagreed, his voice rising angrily. ″You didn't come back home as a crip. You weren't faced with the question whether you'll ever be able to walk again. Or hold a fork with your left hand. You never had to deal with the thought that you'll probably never be able to play soccer with your kids. To climb on trees with them. You never felt like a burden for your family. Because you haven't fucking been there! So I sure as hell won't celebrate something that's all about being thankful,″ he fired at him, "when there's nothing I can be thankful for!″

″Nothing you can be thankful for?″ Jay echoed in disbelief. ″You made it out of there! In one damn piece! You're luckier than many because you can see your kids grow up. It doesn't matter whether you can climb on trees with them. Because you can read them bedtime stories. You can make them breakfast. You can help them with their homework. You can go to Disneyland with them. You can be a part of their lives!″ His voice was rising with every word that left his lips. ″You know how many women would give their left arm if they didn't have to raise their kids alone? But instead they have to bury their husbands because they didn't make it. So don't tell me you have nothing to be thankful for!″

Justin was silenced by his words and it seemed like he didn't dare to say anything, which gave Jay the chance to go on, wake Erin's brother up even more. ″And if all of that doesn't matter to you, just think about your wonderful wife. She's beyond thankful that she has you back and that you're alive and she doesn't care whether you'll be able to use your arm or walk without limping. She has every reason to be more thankful than ever, so just be thankful for her reasons. For Erin's, who thought she's losing another family member. For your dad's, who was scared to witness his son die after already seeing his wife die. They are all thankful because you're alive and they don't take it for granted. None of these people see you as a burden″

″Just because they're thankful doesn't give me a reason to be thankful,″ he shrugged in response and for the split of a second, Jay considered simply slapping him across the face since nothing else seemed to help.

″You don't get it, do you?″ he asked rhetorically, deciding for words instead of violence. ″Erin and I lost a baby in April, Justin. This baby's birthday should've been today. Did I probably feel like I don't have a reason to be thankful this morning, when I imagined how this day should be entirely different?″ he asked rhetorically yet again. ″Yes. But then I look at my wife and realize that I'm the most blessed man on Earth because I'm allowed to call this incredible, strong woman mine. I look at my daughter and wonder why I should not be thankful today when something so perfect and precious is a part of our life. I look at my family and I'm thankful that I can always count on them. So how about you try to do that, too? How about you start being thankful for what you have? An incredible wife, who was sitting by your bedside in a foreign country every day and still managed to raise your kids and protect them from all the heartbreak she was going through. Two adorable boys, who don't have to grow up without a father and will never have to say their daddy is in heaven. Erin and Hank, who both don't deserve to lose another family member. How about that? Huh?″

Another moment of silence followed and Jay wondered whether he really had to give his brother-in-law a slap across the face because there weren't many other words or options left. He knew Olive, Erin and Hank would be heartbroken if Justin didn't show up. And neither of them deserved this heartbreak. But he couldn't force him. Just like an old saw said: You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink.

Justin, however, seemed to be a smart horse. ″I should probably do that,″ he answered meekly.

″Yeah,″ Jay smiled faintly, letting out a breath he didn't know he's been holding. ″You probably should,″ he said and got up to push the wheelchair, that Justin only needed because his badly injured leg still needed a while to recover and with a numb arm, he couldn't hold two crutches, out of the room.

″Hey Jay,″ Justin said when Jay handed him his coat in the hallway. ″I'm sorry you and Erin had to go through this.″

In fact, using the past tense was wrong. Because they were still going through this, this shadow was still following them and sometimes catching up on them and he only hoped, that one day, it wouldn't catch them anymore. ″It was hard,″ Jay admitted. ″And it's still a battle we're fighting through. Just like you're fighting through your battle.″

Five minutes later, Justin and Jay joined everyone in the Halstead house and he was sure to see tears of joy sparkling in Olive's eyes, the young woman mouthing the words thank you as her boys ran to their father to welcome him and as Erin slung her arms around her little brother and hugged him tightly. And when the first fuss has calmed down, Justin got up from his wheelchair, standing on his healthy leg and wrapping his arm around his wife, kissing her hair as he did so. It was a gesture that was worth a thousand words and infected by that, Jay wrapped his arm around Erin's healthy shoulder and pressed a jaunty kiss on her temple.

″What did you have to do with that?″ she asked, motioning her head to Olive and Justin.

″One day I'll tell you,″ he whispered winking. ″But for now: let's finally eat, guys,″ he announced and everyone was sitting at the table faster than they could count to ten.

They ate apetizers and soup and then it was Jay's task to cut the turkey, Hank, who was usually doing it, telling him that he'd earned it this year. They feasted. They laughed. They shared stories. And later they played games. And a day that they'd pictured completely different back in early April, a day that they've feared would be absolutely painful ever since late April, turned out to be bearable. Acutally more than bearable. And they had to thank every single person who was sitting around their table for that.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

Erin was sleeping on the couch in fetal position, Emilia snuggled into her and against the very visible baby bump that formed under her tight shirt, a cozy blanket covering them both, and Crispin lying on Erin's other side with his head resting on her waist when Jay came home on a Wednesday evening in early December, a little less than three weeks before Christmas. It was yet another of those moments that he simply had to take a photo of because it was just too precious for words.

He let them sleep while taking a shower and changing into some sweats and a shirt and then heated the leftovers from dinner up to satisfy his rumbling stomach, his two girls still out like lights and dreaming the sweetest dreams. It was only half an hour later that Erin woke up, greeting him with a lazy smile and tired eyes, and together they decided that it was best to tuck Emilia in in her room. Jay volunteered to do it since he has only been able to spend a couple of minutes with his daughter in the morning and when he returned into the living room, he found Erin chilling in the comfy corner of their couch, Crispin resting his head on her belly.

If they were doing the math correctly, she was past 12 weeks now, heading toward 13 weeks, so that evening they decided that it was time to schedule an appointment with Dr. Hanson since it seemed like the pregnancy was still progressing, their baby growing and still inside of Erin's uterus. But yet, none of them spoke the thought out loud that they're baby has probably just beaten the odds.

And so after deciding it was time to get their doctor involved, Erin scheduled an appointment first thing on the following morning and they told her she could come in on Friday around lunch time which meant that seeing their baby on the screen was only a little over 24 hours away. Or, on the other hand, getting the news that their baby wasn't alive or not viable, just around the corner.

Unfortunately, this thought outweighed any other thought for the rest of the day and when Jay came home from work in the evening, he could see how anxious she was. It was an anxiety that didn't vanish when he was holding her close to his body during the night and at some point around 4am in the morning, he realized that she was no longer in his arms or pressed against his body at all.

Turning around and swinging his feet over the edge of the bed, he immediately felt a chilly breeze and when his eyes adjusted to the darkness, he saw the curtain in front of their french window softly blowing in the wind. Now knowing where Erin was, he padded toward their balcony but hesitated in the doorway when he heard her talking, her hands resting on the sides of her tiny bump as she gazed up to the stars.

″Jay said you had to serve a bigger purpose and how you're our guardian angel now. And while this is still hard to accept I beg you to please, please, please, keep this little nugget safe,″ she said quietly and then looked down to her belly, caressing it gently as she now directly spoke to the baby inside of her.

″Please be alive. Please be healthy. Please stay inside of me for at least six more months and don't join your sibling in heaven. Please don't leave my body before you're supposed to. I can't lose you, too, you hear me? I tried to ignore you but how am I supposed to do that when you make your presence so obviously known?″ she asked, her voice breaking as tears streamed down her face. ″I love you. I have from the moment I knew you were inside of me. So just be okay. Just be okay.″

Her voice faded toward the end. And Jay could only pass the threshold to wrap his arms around her when his own tears stopped coming.

She never told him about this crushing feeling that something about her pregnancy and their little nugget wasn't the way it should be...

Am I mean? Maybe. Do I enjoy to be mean? Maybe. Do I like cliffhangers when I'm the one writing them? Definitely.

Well, I hope you enjoyed this chapter anyway. Please leave a review and let me know what you think. Thanks for reading. Chapter 100 will follow.I promise.