12. Chapter 12

A/N: Please forgive the late update, I've been so busy with my mid-year exams! I'm done for now and I will try to update more regularly but I'm still in my HSC year so it will be very busy unfortunately.

Some people asked about the whole 'sex issue' for Linstead, I've tried to answer it in this chapter. And I also realised I screwed up with my timeline and Ben's birth so I'm making it so that he was almost 9 months old when Erin quit.

Also, I've taken inspiration from an interview of Sophia's for part of this story. There's a lot of dialogue in this but I felt it was necessary for this one.

Enjoy!

~November, 2015~

"Honestly, I never thought I'd get here." Erin smiles as she sat in the circle "90 days ago I was strung out on a cocktail of drugs in a club. I was buried in grief and regret, I deserted my son, my partner, my family."

"And now?" Angie, the group leader, asks.

Erin smiled "Now I'm better. I'm back at work, I'm talking through my issues with Dr Charles. Jay and I are back on track and I get to be a mother to Ben again. Dare I say, it's perfect."

Angie smiled as she stood up from her chair and placed the little silver chip in Erin's palm.

"Congratulations Erin, 90 days of sobriety is a big achievement."

"I couldn't have done it without all of you guys." Erin said looking around her NA group "So thank you, for your support." Everyone smiled and clapped as Erin looked down at her chip.

90 days.

…

"Your story is pretty inspiring." Taylor said as she and Erin were grabbing a coffee after the meeting.

"Thanks. It's not impossible you know; you can do it." Erin told her.

"Some days it doesn't feel like it."

Erin placed her hand on the young woman's shoulder "You're only in the first three weeks, just give it some time okay? Trust me."

Taylor nodded her head, giving Erin a quick hug before walking over to her mother waiting at the entrance to the hall.

"Well, that was a lovely speech you gave." Erin froze as she heard the voice, turning around to come face to face with her mother.

Her voice is full of shock "What are you doing here?"

Bunny shrugs "90 days of sobriety. Didn't think you had it in you."

Erin smiled tightly "I should have known not to jinx myself telling people my life was perfect, seems fitting you'd come back. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to get to work."

Bunny followed Erin as she exited the hall and headed towards her car "You don't really think this is going to last, do you Erin? You can't keep playing pretend sweetheart. You're not this person, a mother? Don't you think your son deserves better?"

"No! Don't you dare try and use Ben against me! You know nothing about what my son needs! What would you even know about being a mother!?" Erin turned around to face Bunny.

Bunny scoffs "Oh here we go again with the Erin Lindsay dramatics. I did the best –"

"The best you could. Yeah, I've heard that once or twice before." Erin muttered sarcastically "You did nothing. I'm the one who had to look after myself, I was the one who looked after Teddy. I kept the water running and food on the table. You were never there! So don't, for even one second, think that you did anything to be classified as any kind of parent."

"I am your mother Erin, whether you like it or not."

"We may share the same DNA, but you will never be my mother. Camille Voight was my mother, she raised me. She cared for me, and loved me. She did all the things you never did."

Erin sighed, feeling drained from the short conversation.

"This is the last time I tell you this Bunny, stay away from me and my family." And with that Erin got into her car and drove to work, ignoring her mother's face in her rear view mirror.

"He's growing really fast." Hank smiled as he watched the video of ben crawling.

"You're telling me, pretty soon he's going to walk and talk." Jay chuckled.

"And how about you?"

"What about me?"

"How have you been? I know Ethan's case was especially hard for you, I just want to make sure your head's in the game." Voight said.

Jay nodded "Yeah, I'm okay. Erin and I talked it out, she suggested I talk to Dr Charles as well."

"You think that will help?"

"I think so. I'm joining some of her sessions anyways, this way our private sessions and our groups sessions are all together."

Voight nodded, handing the phone back to Jay, eyeing the screensaver of Jay with Erin.

"So, how are things going with you and Erin?"

Jay shrugged "We've been alright. I haven't really seen her since I dropped Ben off last night."

"You're welcome to come for dinner tonight, to celebrate Erin getting her chip. You guys can talk then." Hank suggested.

"Her chip?"

Hank froze, his coffee halfway up to meet his lips. Jay raised an eyebrow at the older man.

"Voight." Jay spoke sternly now.

Hank sighed "she's getting her chip for 90 days of sobriety today."

Jay frowned "Why wouldn't she tell me that?"

"Maybe that's a conversation you should be having with her." Hank shrugs.

Voight had sent Jay and Erin out to grab a suspect in a triple homicide case but Erin's head hadn't been with it since she arrived. Jay knew something had thrown her off, but he just couldn't figure out what. He wanted to ask her, but after finding out she hadn't told him about receiving her chip he felt hurt. He thought she would tell him when she got back to work, but she just forced a smiled and acted like everything was normal.

"Hey." Jay says as they turned the corner "The team's heading to Molly's later to meet Will and the other doctors, pour one out for the patient they lost. Hank said he'd take Ben for the night so you can come with us?"

The words cause Erin to zone out, remembering her conversation with Dr Charles.

"So why Bunny? You could've gone to someone else, you knew enough people on the bad side of town to get what you wanted. Why turn to your mother?"

Erin sighs as her fingers nervously twist around each other "When Halstead asked me if I was coming with him and the team to have a drink in Nadia's honour, things just felt different."

"Different how?"

"It just didn't feel like they understood, it was like I was on the outside of the universe. And as sad as everyone else was about her death, Nadia was my best friend, I tried to be for her what Hank was for me, she was like the little sister I had. It just felt like no one could truly understand just how much I was grieving, because they didn't lose her in the same way as I did."

"And you felt Bunny understood that feeling?" Dr Charles asked.

Erin shook her head "I felt selfish for thinking that, I was drowning in this pity of self-loathing and I didn't know where to go. Molly's had too many happy memories to be able to mourn, my apartment had all of Nadia's things in it. Going to see Bunny was the easy way out. I didn't have to pretend I was handling Nadia's death, I didn't have to force a smile and just "pour one out for Nadia" and move on. I could grieve and be upset and no one would try to make me feel better, I knew Bunny wouldn't care enough to actually try and understand."

"So you went to your mother because you knew she wouldn't care?"

"Yeah. I guess that's probably selfish and fucked-up right?" Erin chuckled sarcastically.

"Not at all." Dr Charles interjects "It means you didn't want to hurt the people that meant something to you, you didn't want to burden them with your grief. It's not selfish, it's actually quite the opposite."

"Erin?" Jay breaks her from her thoughts "You alright?"

Erin shakes her head "Yeah, sorry. Molly's sounds good."

Jay's eyes narrow as he turns in his seat to look at her "You'd tell me if something was going on, right?"

Erin frowns and quickly glances at him as she pulls up to their location "Of course."

Jay sighs, watching Erin unbuckle herself and get out of the car, waiting for him to do the same.

The team managed to close their case within a few hours, luckily for them the perp was an idiot and left his fingerprints on the weapon and also hid it under his bed. They decided to take one car to pick up Ben from the nanny's house to drop him off at Hank's.

Their car ride was silent, the quiet chatter of the radio the only source of sound. Erin felt guilty about lying to Jay, and Jay felt frustrated that Erin wouldn't talk to him. This was always their issue, lack of communication. And he wasn't sure how to fix it.

They both got out of the car, Jay taking Ben in his arms. Just as they reached the door Erin grabbed Jay's hand, preventing him from knocking.

"I lied to you." She blurted out.

Erin could see the disappointment in his eyes, hear it in his voice "I know."

"How…"

"Hank mentioned it when we were talking earlier. I'm not mad, I just don't get why you didn't tell me?" Jay provided.

Erin shrugged "I just didn't want to make a big fuss out of it all. It's not a big deal."

"But it is." Jay urged "90 days is a big deal Erin; you should be proud of yourself! I know I am."

Erin smiled "Thank you."

Jay smiles too, squeezing Erin's hand firmly.

"Not that I'm not happy you told me, but what made you change your mind?" He asks.

"We promised to talk to each other. I want to try and live up to that promise."

Jay kisses her cheek "Let's go inside."

Erin nods her head and reaches out to knock on the door, and within a minute the door swings open to reveal Justin Voight.

"Hey Er." Justin smiles.

"What are you doing here!?" Erin exclaims, hugging him tightly.

"I had some free time, dad invited us for your celebratory dinner."

"My what?" She asked looking at her partner.

Jay smiled sheepishly "Surprise."

"So, how have you been?" Justin asks.

Dinner had been wonderful. It was the first time since Ben had been born that their whole family was together, sharing memories and conversation. Justin and Erin had taken the kids for a walk around the block after dinner to calm them down before they put them to bed.

"I've been good, really."

"I'm glad. And it seems like everything is going well with you and Halstead too." he smirks with a mischievous wiggle of his eyebrows.

Erin rolls her eyes "Get your mind out of the gutter, it's not like that."

"My mind wasn't in the gutter, but clearly yours is." He smirks as Erin shoves him slightly, careful not to jostle the sleeping one-year-old in his arms "Don't you guys have a rule about that? I thought NA's have to wait like a year or something."

"It's advised, yes." Erin muttered "Can we not talk about this? You're like my baby brother, it's weird."

"It's just a question Erin. Besides, we both have kids. It's safe to say you know about sex." He chuckles.

"Justin." Erin groaned "Jay and I are taking thing slow. I'm not going to risk stuffing this up again, okay?"

"Good. He's being respectful then." Justin smirked "I was worried I'd have to give him a talking to."

"No, Jay is a good person." Erin replied.

"I know. You picked a good one sis." Justin smiled wrapping his arm around Erin shoulder in a one-armed hug.

"Tonight was nice." Erin whispered as she put Ben down in his crib next to the bed.

They had left Hank's shortly after she and Justin had returned from their walk, both Ben and Daniel wiped out from hanging out together all night. Jay had taken them back to his place so that Erin could be there to put Ben to sleep before going home.

"Yeah." He whispered back "I'm wiped out though."

"Well it's almost midnight, I'm not surprised." Erin smiled "Thank you for tonight Jay."

Jay shrugs as he walks into his bedroom, Erin standing in the doorway "It was all Hank's doing, I just suggested the dinner."

"Well, it still means a lot." Erin says.

Jay flops down on his bed tiredly, letting out a long yawn. Erin chuckles "You should sleep, I'll head out."

"Stay." Jay mumbles into the mattress.

Erin freezes "What?"

"Stay." He says again patting the empty spot on the bed next to him.

"Jay…"

He opens his eyes again to look at her "It's late Erin, we're both tired, you're in no condition to drive. I promise, no funny business."

Erin chuckles, silently before walking over to the bed and kicking off her shoes. She cautiously lifts the blanket and slides in, careful not to disturb Jay or Ben as she does so.

She lays flat on her back her arms laying stiff by her side as she stares at the ceiling, unsure of what to do. She figures Jay senses her unease, because he rolls over and wraps one arm around Erin's waist, forcing her to roll onto her side to face him.

She smiles, her hand coming to lay on his chest as she kisses his cheek "Goodnight Jay."

He places a gentle kiss in her hair and mumbles "Goodnight Er."

A/N: Hope you liked this chapter! I was kind of lost on where to go, but Jesse's Birthday post got me motivated again. Someone asked about Jay and Erin waking up in bed together so I figured this was a way to do it while still keeping everything PG hahaBunny will be making an appearance again but not for a while.

This is the interview I used for Erin and Dr Charles session: live-feed/chicago-pd-season-finale-lindsay-797305

Please review! Next chapter will be Ben's first birthday. And, a surprise guest ...

Maddie :)