11. Chapter 11

A/N: Sorry it's been a while, I got kind of stuck with this. This is the longest chapter I have ever written (over 4000 words!) so hopefully that makes up for the delay...?

I'm going to try and pick this up a little and focus on Jay and Erin through some of the episodes, I hope you like it! I apologise for all the chop and change in this chapter, I tried to skim over the episode yet cover the important details.

Same thing applies, Italics in apostrophes (') are the character's thoughts.

There are some direct quotes from 3x07 used in this as well. Thanks to Charmita, CPDFanGirl and my friend Alex (Guest) for kicking my butt in to gear with getting this update up ASAP :D

Enjoy!

~ Another Broken Heart You've Left Behind ~

Jay sighed as he looked at the board in the Intelligence Unit's office, Cody's photo pinned up next to his diary entries and Ethan's photo pinned up alongside them. He knew he should be doing something to contribute to the case but all he could do was stare at the board.

"Hey" Erin spoke softly, breaking Jay from his trance. He looked up and smiled stiffly as Erin scanned the empty room before leaning down to kiss his cheek.

"Have you moved at all since we got back?" She asked pulling up a chair next to him.

Jay simply shook his head, averting his eyes from hers as she let out a worried sigh.

"Jay, what's–"

"I'm going to get some coffee" He said and shot up out of his chair and moving quickly.

Erin brought her hand to rest against her forehead letting out a groan of frustration. Jay had been shutting her out since they went and talked to Cody's mother. She saw something in his eyes when the woman was describing her child; his lack of friends, being bullied most of his life, feeling like he didn't belong. She knew something was wrong, but he wasn't talking about it.

She turned her head to watch Jay from her peripheral vision as he moved methodically around the break room. She moved to follow after him, but was cut short as her calendar alert buzzed on her phone.

Dr. Charles, 10:00 am.

The last thing she felt like doing was leaving Jay like this, but Voight would kill her if she missed a session. Jay would normally take her but she didn't think that was an option today. With one more glance at her partner, Erin grabbed her jacket and keys from her desk before heading towards the stairs.

"Hey Mouse?" Erin stopped at the desk just before the exit of the IU office "Keep an eye on him for me, will you?"

Mouse smiled softly, nodding his head and with that Erin continued out of the office.

LINEBREAK

"Something's bothering you" Dr Charles observed as he sat across from Erin.

She hand been silent for the past ten minutes since answering his last question, her hands sat in her lap, fingers wrapping and un-wrapping around each other.

Erin looks up and smiled tightly "It's fine"

"Talk to me Erin, that's what I'm here for" Dr Charles replied.

Erin's head stayed down, her eyes glued to her fiddling hands "Things with Jay are just … really tense right now."

"I thought you two were going well after your date last week?"

Dr Charles watches her carefully, aware of the fact that she doesn't like to be pushed into a conversation. He can hear her sigh, contemplating how to explain the situation.

"we have this case, a 14-year-old boy committed suicide and had brought a bomb to his school. He's got a friend, Ethan, who we're trying to find right now. And Jay's just really invested in the case"

"Is that not normal for him?" Dr Charles asked.

Erin shakes her head looking up to meet his expectant eyes "We're all always invested in the cases we work, but this is different. Something about this case, these two boys. It's getting to him. And he won't tell me why"

"And how does that make you feel?"

Dr Charles chuckled when he saw her roll her eyes. He knew she hated that question and as much as he tried to avoid it, sometimes it was necessary.

"Erin" Dr Charles spoke firmly, sternly. Pulling his glasses down off the bridge of his nose.

"I'm angry! He's making me feel invalid. We were doing so well these past few months since I've been back, especially in the last couple weeks. And now he's shutting me out, he won't talk to me. He keeps telling me how we have to be open and honest with each other and we can't keep running from our problem, but I guess it's only towards me!"

She could feel her anger bubbling. She knew Jay wasn't trying to make her feel like this, but he was. And it made her feel uncomfortable.

"How are we supposed to move forward in a relationship if he won't open up to me?"

Dr Charles smiled softly, reaching over to place his hand on the young detective's shoulder.

"There's only one person that can answer that for you Erin"

LINEBREAK

Jay was quiet as he stirred the spoon in his coffee, trying to dissolve the copious amount of sugar he had put into his cup. His mind kept drifting back to EJ, to Ben, to Erin. He knew he was being rude to her, but he couldn't help it. All he wanted was to find this kid, to help him. He didn't want him to end up like Cody, he needed to find him.

"Hey" Mouse said entering the break room "Erin still not back yet?"

Jay frowned "She left?"

"Yeah she had a meeting with Dr Charles, like she does every Thursday. I'm surprised you didn't take her, you normally do."

Jay's eyes shut, mentally scolding himself. He had been freezing her out all day, and then he hadn't even remembered to take her to her appointment.

'Smooth move Halstead'.

"Jay" Mouse's voice was soft as he approached his friend, leaning against the counter next to him "What's going on buddy?"

Jay's grip on the counter edge was tight as he leaned down, exhaling a large breath.

"These kids" his eyes met Mouth's "their stories, it just brings up some bad memories. I don't want Ethan to end up like Cody."

"He won't, we'll make sure we get to him before that happens."

Jay doesn't say anything in response, just nods his head.

"Can I make one suggestion though? Talk to your partner" Mouse smiles, pats his friend's shoulder and walks back out of the break room.

LINEBREAK

Erin trudged slowly up the stairs. She had been gone for almost two hours now, her appointment with Dr Charles had given her a lot to think about, and so she walked around a little before getting a call from Voight requesting her back at the district.

She had thought about everything that had been happening between her and Jay, her emotions were everywhere. She had settled down since her session, and at first she was upset, confused. Then the more she thought about it, the feeling escalated to annoyance and frustration. And somehow, without really knowing, she had reached anger once again. She was angry at Jay for not talking to her, at herself for not bucking up and actually asking him what was wrong, she was angry at the whole situation.

Erin walked through the office heading straight into Hank's office, not looking at Jay even though she saw his head pop up out of the corner of her eye. If he wasn't going to talk to her, she wasn't going to talk to him.

'Mature Erin. Real mature.'

"Hey kid" Voight said as Erin sat down across from him "how was Dr Charles?"

Erin shrugged "It was fine. What happened here?"

Voight pushed a piece of paper towards Erin "We've got an address, need you and Halstead to check it out"

Erin nodded her head, grabbing the paper and reading the address.

Voight frowned "Everything okay with you?"

"Fine"

Voight could tell something else was going on, but knew he couldn't push her to tell him anything. "Ok then, let me know what you find."

"You got it" Erin said as she exited the office. Her eyes met Jay's and she nudged her head towards the exit, watching as he nodded and grabbed his jacket to follow after her as she sped out the back exit.

"How was your appointment?" Jay asked as they drove.

Erin's eyes stayed focused on the road ahead of her "Same as always."

"Dr Charles still annoying you?" Jay said with a little chuckle.

"Nope." She replied, popping the 'p' as she spoke.

Jay turned his head properly, his eyes boring into her "What's wrong?"

"Nothing."

"I know you Erin, something's bothering you I can tell."

"I didn't think you'd been paying that much attention."

Jay was quiet for a few moments. Erin could see him out of her peripheral, he was still watching her, trying to figure out what to say.

"You're mad at me?"

Erin shrugged, her face remaining blank "We'd actually have to be talking to have something to be mad about."

"Erin" Jay sighed "I'm sorry about today, I wasn't trying to-"

"Why won't you talk to me?" Erin cut him off "You keep avoiding the conversation, you won't tell me what's wrong. And quite frankly, it's pissing me off."

Jay let out an annoyed chuckle "Me not talking is pissing you off? That's rich Er."

Erin's eyes narrowed at the tone and volume of his voice. She stopped at a traffic light, turning her head to look at him "What the hell is that supposed to mean!?"

"It means you're one to tell me to open up!" Jay exclaimed "I practically have to force you to have any kind of real conversation with me about what you're feeling, it's like pulling teeth with you Erin!"

"I'm trying Jay."

Erin's tone was softer when she spoke, and Jay knew he had over-stepped the mark. The car ride was quiet for the rest of the way neither knowing what to say, their emotions were both too high.

"Erin, I shouldn't have – "

"We're here" She cut him off getting out of the car.

Jay groaned as he opened the door to follow after her.'You really know how to make things worse. Idiot.'

LINEBREAK

Jay stood in the interrogation room on the other side of the one-way mirror. He watched as Hank and Antonio brought Ethan in and introduced him to his Youth representative. Burgess and Roman had found him being kicked around by his classmates at school. He was feeling even more frustrated now; Erin wasn't talking to him, the case was going nowhere and Ethan wouldn't talk either. Voight came into the room, motioning to Erin to follow him.

"Sarge" jay spoke up "Let me do this."

"Jay, you don't –"

"I used to be this kid. I get it." His eyes are pleading with his sergeant, with a man who in recent times has become his friend. He has to do this, he needs to.

Voight motions between the two partners "You two."

Erin looks at Jay, nodding as they both head into the interrogation room.

"Ethan, I'm detective Lindsay" Erin said as she stood against the wall in the corner of the room.

"I'm detective Halstead" Jay said choosing to sit across from the kid instead.

Jay took in Ethan's posture, the way his body curled into itself and how his arms clung around him. He was scared.

"I don't understand why I'm here, I'm the one who got beat up."

"I think the kids were just scared, Ethan. Not just about Colin, they're scared about you too" Erin spoke first.

Ethan was silent. "Did you know Colin kept a notebook?" Erin said, moving towards the table and picking up the photocopies of the book "Talked to EJ at practice today, He's the only one who gets it."

"EJ is you, right? You want revenge, you want to kill someone?" Jay's questions came out more like a statement.

Erin's eyes narrowed as she heard Ethan scoff "Something in here that's funny to you?"

"If you knew what it was like, you wouldn't be too happy about it either"

"You're in a school with a bunch of rich kids. And you didn't fit it, just like Colin." Jay could see Ethan's surprise, his eyes focusing in on the man in front of him "The rich kids, they look down on you, bully you. You and Colin decided to take your revenge."

Ethan shook his head "You really don't get it. I wasn't planning on killing bullies."

Jay's eyes met Ethan's, imploring him to help him understand "Then what were you planning? What am I not seeing?"

Ethan's mouth parted, his words on the tip of his tongue, when the door burst open.

"Ethan! I'm here sweetheart" Ethan's mother ran into the room, wrapping her arms around her baby boy.

"All right? Ethan tell me." Jay pushed forward, trying to get through to him.

Ethan's eyes moved between Jay and his mother as she mumbled against his hair "Oh baby look at you"

"All right, Ethan. Hey Ethan, stay with me here" Jay demands, his eyes not breaking from the boy's "What were you and Colin planning?"

"You don't have any idea what you're talking about! All that stuff in Colin's notebook, that was his thing!"

"Who were you targeting Ethan? Who were you trying to hurt?" Jay pressed.

Ethan just shook his head, his eyes averting from Jay's to look at the table.

…

It had been two hours since Ethan was let go. Dawson and Olinsky were relaying the details to the team from their conversation with Kirby Peterson, a senior class president of Webster Country Day, who suspected Ethan of blowing up his motorcycle.

"There's something beneath the surface here. Kids don't just snap because of a prank" Ruzek said.

"We need to bring him back in" Jay replies.

"I don't think we can. He doesn't want to talk to us, something's stopping him from telling us the truth." Erin rebuts.

"let's try and talk to him again. Mouse, try and ping his phone and send Burgess and Roman to bring him in." Mouse nodded at his sergeant's command and got to work "The rest of you, keep digging into Webster Country, Ethan and Colin. We need to find some concrete link to form a theory on"

…

Erin and Jay were the only two in the office. Olinsky had been called down by Platt, and Dawson, Ruzek and Atwater had all gone for a lunch break.

"Hey" Erin said as she sat on the edge of Jay's desk.

"Hey" Jay looked from the file in front of him to his partner.

"You know, you never told me you had a bad high school experience."

Jay shrugged "I got picked on a lot, Will and I weren't exactly the richest kids in school. I didn't think it mattered"

"Jay, you've got to communicate with me. This" Erin's hand moves between the two of them "Only works if we're honest with each other. Those were your words"

"I know" Jay nods, standing up and moving in front of Erin "I'm sorry. And I know you've been trying, I need to try more as well."

Erin's arms moved to wrap around Jay's torso, her head rooting against Jay's chest as his arms wrapped around her shoulders.

"Promise me you'll tell me about all this. It doesn't have to be now, but one day?"

Erin feels Jay's head nodding as his chin rests atop her head, and she can't help but smile to herself.

"So, does this mean you forgive me for being such a jerk earlier?"

He can feel Erin's chuckle reverberate through him and he smiles "I think I can manage that. But you're on thin ice Halstead."

"Hey lovebirds!" Mouse yells running up the stairs "Burgess and Roman arrested Ethan."

"What? Why?" Jay exclaims pulling out of their embrace.

"He vandalised his teacher's car, I don't think you're going to like this Jay."

…

Jay took a deep breath as he walked out of the interrogation room. He leaned against the wall taking in a deep breath, trying to keep his tears at bay. They had just kicked a paedophile, and let him run back to his family free of any persecution.

"Jay" Voight spoke softly as he patted the young man on the back.

"He's just a kid Voight" Jay shook his head "He doesn't deserve any of this"

"We're going to get him" Jay nods at Hank's words, taking another breath to compose himself before standing up tall and walking into the main area of their office where the rest of their team is.

"Do we have a location on Sanders?" Voight asked as he followed Jay in.

"Last known Location was at his house, that was about fourty-five minutes ago."

"Alright, let's go pay a visit."

LINEBREAK

"You look just like him." Jay eyes the photo in his hands.

Ethan smiles "That's what my mum says sometimes."

"You know I was a soldier too." Jay starts.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah, I've known some heroes. But what you did, going public, telling the truth about what happened, that might just be the bravest thing I've ever seen."

Ethan sighs, staring at the picture that Jay holds of his father "I miss him."

"I know."

"Did you lose friends?" Ethan asks.

Jay nods slowly "Many, yeah."

"How do you deal with it?"

Jay pauses, remembering the words he told Erin almost three years ago now.

'As a soldier, how did you deal with it?'

'Generally take it out on those who didn't deserve it.'

"When I get down, I try to remind myself that they made a sacrifice so that I could come home and live my life. I just try to honour that."

"That's a pretty good idea." Ethan smiles

"Your dad would be so happy for you right now."

Ethan looks up to Jay, doubt across his face "You think so?"

Jay's hand comes to rest on the boy's shoulder, a warm smile across his lips "Yeah. Not just because of what you did, but because it's over now."

"Jay, are you staying for dinner?" Ethan's mum calls from the kitchen.

Jay looks to the woman and shakes his head "I've got to go see someone" He looks back to Ethan "If you need anything, you call me. Okay?"

Ethan nods his head, wrapping his arms around Jay in a tight hug.

"Thank you"

LINEBREAK

Jay walks up the stairs slowly, trying to convince himself that this is the right decision.

'You said you'd try.'

He takes a deep breath as he reaches the door knocking slowly. The door opens to Erin's surprised face.

"Hey" he smiles.

"Hey, what are you doing here?" Erin's face is one of confusion, and Jay can't help but smile at the way her face adorably scrunches up.

"I was hoping we could talk."

Erin's smile is wide and Jay can't help but mirror the expression on his face too.

"You're just in time, Ben and I were about to have dinner." She opens the door wider, motioning him inside.

…

Erin watched quietly from the doorway of the nursery in her apartment. She had decided to do something productive and hopeful with Nadia's old room, and she figured there was nothing more positive than turning it into a room for her baby to grow up in.

Jay was cradling Ben in the crook of his arms, one of Ben's little hands resting on Jay's chest, as the other dangled down against his father. His eyes were drooping as he sucked contently on the dummy in his mouth while Jay rocked him to sleep.

Erin smiled as Jay made eye contact with her, turning to place Ben in his crib. The eleven-month-old squirming contently as his dad lay his blanket over him tucking it into the side of the crib firmly before Jay reached down to place a tender kiss on his forehead. He turned to follow Erin who had already turned to walk back into the living room. When he reached the couch she was already sitting comfortably, holding a beer out for him to take.

"So" Erin started as Jay took a sip of the cool liquid "Are you still up for that talk? It's been a long night I get it if you don't want to"

Jay shook his head "No, it's fine. I promised to try, and I need to live up to that promise."

"It doesn't mean you have to start living up to it right this second."

"You don't want to talk anymore?" Jay asked confused.

"No of course I do" Erin said reaching over to lay her hand atop of his "I just don't want you to feel that you have to do this, I want you to want to talk to me Jay."

"I do. It's just hard sometimes, I've never had to open up to anyone in my life, not since my mum died, and after that I've never really wanted to."

"You know you can talk to me though, about anything."

Jay squeezes her hand in reassurance "I know" He takes a deep breath before continuing "I guess it all just hit me with him."

"Ethan?"

Jay nods "I used to be like him. Will, he always fit in with people a lot better than I did. Growing up I was a lot more socially-awkward than I am now, kids would pick on me and tell me I didn't belong. I used to feel so small, weak."

"That's awful" Erin interjects.

"It's high-school" Jay shrugs "But seeing Ethan and everything he and Cory had gone through at the hands of not only his peers but his teacher, someone he's supposed to trust to protect him. It just brought back a lot of bad memories, and then I started thinking about Ben. What if kids did that to him? What if he was so ashamed of the fact that he was being taken advantage of, that he was being picked on and bullied, that he took his own life because of it? What would I do knowing that I could've done something to save him?"

"Jay –"

"My father was never around. Ethan's father died, Cory's father left. These kids and I…we're so similar. And Ben could be like that. My dad, he would always be down on me for one thing or another. He didn't love me or Will or even my mum, he loved the appearances we gave; one big happy family. Little did all those people know that the renowned cardiothoracic surgeon was actually an emotionally manipulative, abusive father. What if I –"

"Hey" Erin stops him there, sitting up on her knees and wrapping her arms around her partner "You can't blame yourself for something that hasn't even happened. Something that won't happen."

"How do you know that?" he challenges.

"Because you're his father. You won't let him go through what Ethan or Cody or you went through. You won't treat him the way your father treated you, you are nothing like that man. Ben will spend every day of his life knowing that he is loved, and wanted, and special. That he has a family. He won't ever feel the way Cory or Ethan did because we won't let it get to that point."

"Erin, you can't say that for sure. My dad –"

"Your dad is an asshole Jay, but you're not like him. You're the most kind, loving, caring, compassionate father I've ever known and you've only been doing it for eleven months. That love will only grow as Ben grows. And do you honestly think I would ever let you be a bad father to our son?"

He can't help but let out a chuckle at that "No, you'd kick my ass before I could try."

Erin grins "exactly. I promise you, we will get through this together. And if you're ever feeling like this again, you tell me okay?"

Jay nods his head before leaning in to kiss Erin's cheek "Thank you"

"That's what I'm here for. Thank you for talking to me."

"Anytime" Jay smiles leaning in to kiss her cheek once more. They settle back on the couch but now Jay's arms are wrapped around Erin's waist, her head resting against his shoulder as they settle in to watch some TV before he heads home for the night.

Erin smiles to herself as she looks at her and Jay's intertwined hands against her stomach. It was all she had ever wanted since coming back to work after Nadia's death, to be able to enjoy a night with Jay without any distractions or work calling them in.

"Where'd you go?" Jay says, nudging his shoulder which her head lays on.

Erin looks up at him shyly "Just thinking about how nice this is. Being here with you."

Jay leans down once again to kiss her but this time his lips brush her own, lingering for a moment before pulling away far too quickly for either of their liking.

"This is perfect."

A/N: Okay, so I hope the ending is alright! This was getting to be 12 pages on a word document (and is now 4563 words long!) so I was trying to not make the ending any longer.

I'm so sorry for the wait on this update! I promise I will try my hardest to get the next chapter up quicker.

I need some opinions though: Would you like to see Jay's dad enter at some point? I was thinking of including him but not 100% sure.

As always, please leave a review and let me know what you thought and your opinion on the addition of Jay's dad!

- Maddie :)