21. Grubhog Day

Chapter 21: Grubhog Day

And for just one day, it's like I'm back at the Santa Monica pier. I can't count the number of Saturdays Marcy, Sasha and I spent living it up own there, stuffing ourselves with junk, then riding the rides until we puked it all back up. Fun times!

Today, it's déjà vu all over again. The town common is just one big carnival, loaded with games, rides, and every deep-fried or sugar-coated goodie you could possibly imagine. It's the first time I've ever seen the town really do it up right. Even as I asked for an explanation, I was already planning out the next hour. Some cotton candy, a couple of corngrubs, hot the tilt-o-hurl, try to win one of those stuffed maggots, and so on until we hit the coaster. Proper time-wasting has to be carefully planned, after all.

Sprig and Polly explained that this was Grubhog Day, which – surprise surprise – involved an animal that could somehow predict the weather. It's actually nice to sometimes see something familiar in a crazy world like this.

So, there I was, all ready to have the best day at the fair ever with my frog besties, when Hop Pop tosses the bomb of responsibility in our laps. Is there anything worse? It's the enemy of all fun.

So, because all of a sudden he has a problem with the Plantars being the town joke (I always thought he was fine with it), he decided to sign Sprig up to be the grubhog keeper, which means he has to be cooped up in a tent keeping watch over it until the ceremony. There goes our day of fun…

Sure, I could go off and have a good time at the fair… in fact, Sprig encouraged me to do so – but it just wouldn't feel as fun without him along.

The grubhog is this adorable little critter that's like a cross been a caterpillar and a baby pig… and spits corrosive acid, but as long as you keep its mouth pointed away from you, you're sitting pretty. So it wasn't that bad to be around, but I could tell that Sprig was miserable, and it wasn't just because he had to wear this stupid jacket and hat that were clearly made for someone much older. Like, who signs a kid up for that kind of thing on the funnest day of the year? But when I asked why he didn't just say no, he said that he knew this was very important to Hop Pop and that he couldn't let him down which, yeah, I sort of get.

Then it came to me: who said we have to miss the fair?

The rules say that Sprig has to watch the grubhog. They don't say anything about have to do it I that specific tent. Why couldn't we just take the grubhog with us to the fair? As long as we got back in time for the ceremony, we'd be fine. No rule that said we couldn't. It's the Air Bud defense! It's airtight.

And so, we had the day that we should've had it the first place. Goodies, games, and rides. Plus the grubhob, who, to be fair, looked like it was having just as good a time as we were. It certainly went to town on caramel turnips. And it definitely wasn't complaining about going on the rides. In fact, I'd say we gave that grubhog the best day of its life.

It's just a shame it was also the last day.

We'd decided to save the coaster for last. Everything was going great until we hit a bump and the grubhog fell out of the cart. Still, there was hope. The grubhog was safe on the tracks, and we had a shot of picking it up on the next trip around.

Then the giant condor showed up.

RIP, grubhog. You were too good for this world.

Okay, so, it might seem at this point that we're screwed. Sprig had one job, guard the grubhob, and we messed that up.

Mostly me. I messed it up. Let's face it, if I hadn't convinced him that we could goof off at the fair and keep the grubhog safe at the same time, none of this would have happened. We'd be bored, sure, but we'd still have a grubhog.

Since I was the one to get us into this mess, I was going to have to get us out of it. The problem: No grubhog. The solution: get a grubhog. Which led to a new problem; Where do you get a grubhog on short notice.

The answer: Make one.

When I was around six, the folks signed me up for arts and crafts at the community center, one of the many ways they tried to channel my naturally chaotic personality into constructive pursuits. And one week, this blond guy with a ponytail came by and taught us how to make our own sock puppets. He was really enthusiastic about it… to a disturbing degree, ow that I think about it… and for one afternoon, so was I.

And then I forgot all about it until today.

But right now a sock puppet would be just the thing we needed, and, luckily, there was a guy right there selling socks and buttons… which is odd since I don't think I've ever seen any frogs wearing socks around here. But I'm not gonna look a gift contrivance in the mouth.

And so, there I was, my hand playing the role of the grubhog. After the mayor introduced us, there was this bit where Sprig was supposed to feed and groom me, but I decided to jazz it up with a few gags. Classic slapstick and stuff. Really sell the illusion, y'know. And the crowd loved it. It looked like, for a moment, we were actually going to pull it off. Except there was one hitch.

Y'see, I know the whole thing was about the grubhog telling the weather, but it doesn' do it by popping out of a hole every February and seeing Bill Murray's shadow, oh, no no no. This is Amphibia, and everything has to have a weird dark twist.

The grubhog tells the weather… by getting eviscerated. And the grubhog is me, let me remind you.

You can see where this is going.

They almost had the cleaver to my wrist by the time Sprig confessed that he'd lost the grubhog. Mayor Toadstool was furious (and Sprig was already on his hitlist given the whole toad incident from last week). Hop Pop wasn't having any of it, and admitted he should never have signed Sprig up without asking him in the first place, so that's that whole emotional plot beat resolved, but the fact is, we did kinda ruin the whole grubhog ceremony…

Except no, because it turns out the town really, really liked my whole puppet show. Turns out it's a lot more entertaining than watching someone read grub innards. To most, anyway. Polly's still disappointed, but I'm sure she'll come around.

So now I'm booked for ten shows a night for the next three days! Of course I've gotta come up with lots of new material to keep the show fresh. Let's see… grubhog buddy cop show? Grunhog rom-com? Grubhog found footage horror? Grubhog mockumentary workplace sitcom? I've got a lot of work to do…

A.N.: We're back to straight episode adaptations through the end of the season, and beyond.

Jose: Thanks, as always.

Next: Hop Pop and Lock