22. Hop Pop and Lock

Chapter 22: Hop Pop and Lock

So, remember how Hop Pop lost his vegetable stand at the market? Well, HP wasn't about to let that stop him from doing business. I mean, sure, technically it's illegal to sell stuff out of the designated market area (mostly so the mayor can charge fat rents), but as I've learned hanging out with Sasha all these years, it ain't a crime if you don't get caught.

So, for now, Plantar's Vegetable Stand (Honesty First) has been temporarily located to an old wheelbarrow in a filthy alley. Not a lot of foot traffic, but the overhead's really low.

But as they say in business, location is everything. Without a space in the market, we were basically reduced to begging passersby for business one at a time, and that doesn't lead to high sales.

But I digress. This story isn't about business. It is about… ROMANCE! But, like, a French accent on that last thing.

So, here's what happened. HP flags this woman down and says "Psst, hey lad, wanna by an eggplant? (Sprig asked me why I was laughing so hard. I said I'd tell him when he's older.) And then he took one look at this woman, who obviously knew him from the past, and his brain instantly turned to mush. Like, he could not form one coherent word.

Our Hop Pop was clearly in love!

After a little prodding, he did admit he had a bit of a thing for Sylvia Sundew (that's her name; turns out she's Ivy's grandma! Small world…). I tried to get him to tell her how he felt, but the whole "he turns into a babbling idiot around her" thing really doesn't help in that department. If only there was a simple, nonverbal way of expressing yourself.

Well, duh, of course there is. It's called dance! And by sheer serendipity, the mayor was throwing a dance that very night (probably to further get people to forget that whole tax embezzlement thing). It seemed like this was the perfect opportunity for Big Romance to happen.

Only it seems like HP has a rival for Sylvia's affections, this jerk named Monroe, who's pretty much been his personal bully for decades. Two guys fighting over a girl… it's just like an old-timey cartoon! I wonder if spinach would help? Do we grow spinach?

The cops busted us for illegal produce sales soon after that, so to shake off the bad feelings, I decided to indulge in my favorite way to cheer myself up: dancing like no one's watching.

Except someone was watching.

See, one small hiccup in "Operation Impress Sylvia at the Dance by Humiliating Monroe on the Dance Floor and Also Think of a Shorter Name for this Operation": Hop Pop can't dance. Okay, correction: he can do something that resembles dancing, but that under no circumstances should ever be done in mixed company. And now that he knew I can dance (not to brag (okay totally to brag) but I was the first Asian kid to win the Age 9-12 Freestyle Hip-Hop Dancing competition at our local community center), he begged me to help him avert this potential humiliation and possible arrest for lewd behavior.

It was not easy. Hop Pop was utterly and completely devoid of rhythm and coordination. Polly was a better dancer. Polly.

But he had come to me in his time of need, and I was going to do everything I could to help. No matter how much it took. After all, this was for love!

It took all afternoon, but somehow, by intensive training, positive reinforcement, and a miracle, I managed to turn Hop Pop into a competent dancer. He was no Frog Astaire, but at least he would no longer frighten children.

We were cutting it really close, but by the time it grew dark, we had just enough time to get changed and get over to the commons. For better or worse, it was showtime.

I have to say, frogs really know how to throw a party. I would've hung the lanterns a bit higher so they weren't at the perfect height for my head to hit, and maybe dropped the swing combo for a DJ, and you can never go wrong with a chocolate fountain and maybe a sushi station, but hey, it's not like anyone was putting me in charge of planning a party anytime soon, right? For what it was, this dance was just fine on its own.

This wasn't about me anyway. This was about HP getting' him some of that old people love! He was on the verge of cricketing out, but we managed to give him enough of a push that he got out on the dance floor, and almost ask Sylvia to dance, if Monroe hadn't cut in at the last minute. That snake! That absolute snaaaaaaaake!

But that was just the motivation HP needed to finally make his move. And so, we had ourselves an old-fashioned dance-off.

Hop Pop was up first, and with my coaching, he was actually able to pull off a flawless routine. It wouldn't have won first place, but he probably would have at least taken a solid third.

But then it was Monroe's turn. And Monroe was Frog Astaire. I have never seen a frog – heck, I've never seen a human – that light on his feet. And he knew it. Everyone knew it. Silvia was as good as his.. uh… Ginger Frogers! Ha! Made it work.

It looked like it was over, but then Hop Pop did the unexpected. He went freestyle.

Now, I've seen some pretty freaky things since I've gotten here. Killer stickbugs. Giant moles covered with smaller moles. The skunk. The skunk. But none have been as horrifying as Hop Pop freestyling. By the time he dumped the fire ants down his pants I just couldn't look any more. The cringe was simply overwhelming.

Now, this is the part in the movies where the awkward guy's clumsy but sincere expression of love wins over the girl, thwarting the handsome, suave bully. But that's just the movies, right? That kinda thing doesn't actually happen in real life, right? Nope! Awkward clumsy sincere guy defeats suave bully! Happy endings are real! It helps that Sylvia is just as terrible a dancer as Hop Pop. In fact, the two of them together are so horrifying that they scared off the entire town… meaning we had the entre dance floor to ourselves for the rest of the night. All things considered, I guess HP didn't really need my help.

Now we just have to get Sprig and Ivy together.

Wait… if Sylvia is Ivy's grandma, and HP and Sylvia get married, wouldn't that make Sprig and Ivy… cousins? Oh frog, what have I done?

A.N.: Short chapter, but I didn't have a ton to work with as this episode is mostly physical comedy.

I'm kinda disappointed they never brought Monroe back… maybe we could've met his own grandchildren, Jen and Sven.

MarMarFaAnne: Groundhog Day is one of my favorite movies, so when the chance comes up to reference it, I do.

I headcanon that Gravity Falls, Owl House, and Amphibia share a universe (I go back and forth on whether Star vs. is a part of it, that ending kinda ruins the theory). More of that next chapter.

Honestly a lot of the appeal for me is Anne's reaction to being in this strange world and her thoughts on all the weirdness she runs into. Season three has her in a world she's already familiar with, so that angle is lost. Now, if we changed to someone else's point of view…

Jose: Yeah, I see her as the artist to Marcy's technician and Sasha's manager.

Next: Civil Wart