23. Civil Wart
Chapter 23: Civil Wart
About once a month, Wartwood hosts live entertainment in the town square. Last month, it was the Flying Fusili Brothers and their flea circus, which was going great until the fleas escaped. It was immediately followed up by a flea barbecue and luau, so it wasn't a total loss.
This month, there was supposed to be a performance of "How Moist is My Valley" by the Swampshire Players. Now, theater is not my thing. I have had nothing but bad experiences with it, all the way back to that school play in kindergarten. We don't talk about the school play, no no. But it's not like there's a lot of options. Bad news, though: on the way here the troupe got a bit… eaten. It seemed like the place was on the verge of a riot… which is understandable, considering the ice the mayor's on is already so thin that a flea (one from back home) could crack it.
Well, not that I have any great love for the mayor, but the folks here came for entertainment, and I happened to have just the thing. And with the help of the local glass blower who just happened to have a magnifying pane available, this town was about to be introduced to the magic of Hollywood.
I had a bunch of good choices on my phone, but I decided to go with Love Choice, the peak of the Dystopian Supernatural Romance genre.
In a world where civilization has collapsed and giant beasts roam the land (at least I can relate to that now!) daring young ingenue Constance (played by Kirsten Kristen) is torn between two loves: cyborg lumberjack Hunter (played by Robin Robinson) and were-caribou shaman Alastair (played by Tyler Taylor). You know, as one does. Sadly, the movie ends on a cliffhanger, and no one knows when the sequel gets released. The book it would be based on hasn't even been released yet.
Now, I had no idea how Wartwood would react to Love Choice, but they got into it. Really into it. So much into it that, in introducing the town to one of the best things to come from Earth, movies, I also introduced them to one of the worst things… the ship war.
I have a little bit of experience with ship wars. Last year, I got into a flamewar with one GoodWitchLuzura over who Azura's soul mate would be. She insisted that it was Hecate, which was ridiculous. The two were the bitterest of rivals. It made no sense. Sure, "rivals to lovers" is a popular trope, but she had far more chemistry with her best friend, Heather the Oracle. Of course, this was before Book Five came out, which changed everything, but back then Azucate was just ridiculous.
It got pretty heated, but that's all it got, because in all likelihood I will never, ever meet GoodWitchLuzura. For all I know, we live on opposite coasts, if not in completely different countries. It's a lot different when the other person is your neighbor.
And that's what happened.
It all started at the end of the movie, when everyone wanted to know who Constance would choose. Polly insisted she'd go for Hunter, while Sprig championed Alastair. And, one by one, the rest of the townspeople chose sides until practically everyone in town besides myself and Hop Pop were divided, staring each other down like the start of some kind of war. Hop Pop tried to convince Sprig to back down, but it wasn't happening; all day, Sprig's been irritated about have to deal with what he perceives as the special treatment Polly gets due to being younger, and it's all boiled over to the point that he's done backing down. Now, growing up, I never had a brother or sister, but… I kinda see where he's coming from. I guess if I had to deal with this all my life, I could see myself snapping too.
In any case, the battle lines were drawn, and for the moment, it's a standoff. Hop Pop is pretty sure that by tomorrow, things will calm down. I hope he's right.
He wasn't.
The town is literally split down the middle. One half red for Hunter, one purple for Hunter. Overnight, everyone in town completely changed their lifestyle to conform with a freakin' ship war. And anyone who stumbles into the wrong half of town, well, frog help them.
Only Hop Pop and myself have managed to hang on to our sanity. If anyone is going to resolve this, it's going to be us. We agreed that I'd try to deal with Sprig, since I'm his best friend, while Hop Pop works on Polly.
I tried to appeal to Sprig's sense of reason, but he wasn't listening. Whatever beef he's had with Polly has clearly been building for a very long time, and he wasn't going to budge. He told me that, as an only child, I simply can't understand what he's going through. And, technically, he'd be right… but as of a month or so ago, I do know what it's like to have siblings, and right now, they're having a big stupid fight about something big and stupid, and they won't listen to their big sister who just wants them to talk it out! Now, THAT'S frustrating!
Hop Pop, predictably, had just as much luck with Polly. So, appealing to common sense was a bust. We needed a different tactic; if we couldn't give them common sense, we'd give them something else: a common enemy.
It was decided; we'd strike at the same time. We'd go for the symbolic heart of both camps: the flags.
I met little resistance at first. The Alastair camp probably assumed nobody would dare try something as audacious as stealing their flag. But they spotted me just as I'd managed to snag it and soon I had them on my butt.
All according to plan!
And just as planned, Hop Pop had succeeded in his part of the pan, and as planned, he had the Hunterites on his tail as well.
So, we had everyone all in the same place. All that was left was to get them talking.
But nobody told them that. Sprig and Polly still refused to talk. And just like that, it went from a cold war to a real war. Of course, to the naked eye, it just looked like a bunch of frogs throwing fruit at each other, but have you ever been hit by an shoppingmode apple? They hurt!
The Hunterites seemed to have the upper hand at first, but it soon became clear that the Alastairians were leading them into an ambush (Ivy's idea, no doubt), and, at long last, they had Polly at their mercy. She was moments away from being fruited to… probably not death, but some bruises at least.
And… well, I guess the reality of what was going on finally got to him, because he finally snapped to his sense and took the fruit barrage for his sister.
And then everything just sorta stopped.
No, really. All of a sudden it was as if the entre town wasn't trying to murder each other and everybody was all cool and friendly-like again. Apparently, they just… do this every once in a while. Two years ago, the whole place was burned to the ground over which way to hang toilet paper.
The question of Hunter vs. Alastair was never really settled; the only thing the town could agree on was that they wanted to see another movie. I figured that maybe a more experimental, philosophical movie would work better. Something like My Dinner With Anders.
Now we're stuck with a war over a life of adventure vs. simple pleasures…
A.N: Yeah, full disclosure, this is my least favorite episode of the series. I guess there's some comedy to be mined from ship wars, but it feels like everyone in town's IQ was dumbed down several notches. Oh well, at least the next one's good.
MarMarFaAnne: I headcanon that Sylvia doesn't actually live in Wartwood and only visits from time to time.
Jose: Thanks!
Next: Hop Popular