43. The Ballad of Hopadiah Plantar

Chapter 43: The Ballad of Hopadiah Plantar

We came to our fist town outside of Wartwood today. It's pretty small, and when I say that I don't mean in population. Well, I guess, technically, I do? But not the way you're thinking.

It's called "Bittyburg", and I can't think of a more appropriate name. You can walk from one end of town to the other in lass than thirty seconds. The tallest building in town is just a little bit taller than Hop Pop. I can pull the roof off the saloon with one hand (I put it back, don't worry). And the people are built to scale. They're almost the size of frogs back home.

There was a bit of drama going on soon after we got there. This outlaw named Judro Hasselback showed up in town. Apparently he's been terrorizing the place for a while, and pretty much without opposition since he's the size of a normal (for here, anyway) frog.

But this time, he wasn't going to have it so easy. Hop Pop got in there and ran him right out of town! And if he let it go to his head a little bit, well, how bad could it be?

See, before we got here, Spring was singing this song he wrote about Toad Tower, and he… kinda downplayed HP's role in that story. I mean, to be fair, he really didn't do much at the time other than nearly get fed to a giant Venus Flytrap, but "cowered" is kind of a strong word. So if he has a chance to play the hero for a change, I say let him have it. He deserves a win.

HP spent the next few hours telling a very greatly exaggerated version of the time I – or should I say he – fought off Bog, Fens and the creepy one when they showed up at his farm. Yeah, they were pretty tough, but I don't remember Fens shooting lightning from her eyes, or Bog being able to breathe fire, or the other guy commanding an army of the living dead. Not that any of that was a match for Hop Pop, who fought them off with the strength of twenty frogs!

Okay, so his story may have been a web of gigantic lies, but again, he needed a win, and it wasn't like it was going to have any lasting consequences because we were gonna be out of here soon enough.

And that's when we found out that there was more than just one bandit terrorizing Bittyburg.

It was then that the Hasselback gang came a-ridin' into town.

Besides Judro, there was his bigger, meaner brother Heathro, his half-sister Ruth, his uncle Talbert, who I will give credit for having the best mustache I ever saw, and Mama Hasselback, who was as big as all four of them combined, bigger than me, even, and packing one massive rolling pin that was clearly made for more than backing cookies.

I'll give HP credit: he did not back down from the fight, despite being way, way, way outclassed. He couldn't put a dent in Mama, he couldn't even budge her, but he tried. He really tried. So, I wouldn't consider him being laid low by one smack from her rolling pin to be a complete humiliation. After all, Sprig, Polly and I didn't really do much to help either.

So, for the second time that day, someone was run out of town. Only this time it was us.

HP was really taking it badly. He'd set out to stand up for a town that couldn't protect itself, only to suffer the sting of defeat. And believe me, I've been there. Remember, it was actually me who fought those toads, and it didn't exactly end in victory for me. If the town hadn't stood up for me, I'd probably be a prisoner at Toad Tower.

But I think even worse than that, he realized he'd been fighting for the wrong reason. Not to stand up for the little guy, but for glory. I get it, I do, but that wasn't why I'd stood up to the toads. I did it because it was the right thing to do.

And in this case, the right thing to do was to go back and take on the Hasselback gang. But we were going to need a plan for that.

So, here was the deal. HP marches back into town to challenge the gang to a showdown. Meanwhile, Sprig, Polly and I park ourselves on a nearby butte, out of sight, and take them out one by one with Sprig's slingshot. Also, HP made me dress him up like "The Guy Nobody Heard Of", from his favorite Spaghetti Western, For Another Few Bucks (I have a lot of movies saved on my phone). Must be the theater guy in him.

It worked, at first. We successfully took out three of five Hasselbacks without anyone being the wiser. To the casual observer, it just looked like HP was taking them down with his tongue. If it wasn't for a stray glint of sunlight reflecting off our spyglass into Mama's eye, wed've been in the clear. But that was all it took for her to figure our game out, catch the slingshot pellet meant for her, and throw it right back at us, taking Sprig out.

The jig was officially up, but HP stood his ground. Not that it did him a lot of good. He got beat down once again. And then… well…

It got weird.

The townspeople suddenly all went completely feral and swarmed the Hasselbacks like a bunch of frog piranha. That's not a simile. They literally started eating the Hasselbacks alive. I guess HP's example got them to stand up for themselves… in their own absolutely horrifying way.

So… goodbye, Bittyburg. Hello, new sleep paralysis demon.

A.N.: I toyed with having Anne narrate this one like it was a Western, but decided against it.

MarMarFaAnne: I admit I have Odalia Blight in mind when thinking about what Sasha's parents might be like. They're probably not THAT bad... As for the Yunan scene… after that, she went back to try and rescue her GF but got caught and collared.

Jose: Yep

Next: Anne Hunter