44. Anne Hunter

Chapter 44: Anne Hunter

It's been several days since we left Bittyburg, and HP must have seriously misjudged how much food we were going to need, because it's run out. We found out the hard way when we got to this forest area in the middle of nowhere, when HP served us sticks for breakfast. Not breadsticks, not carrot sticks, stick sticks.

On the plus side, we've got a whole forest full of potential food! It's going to be just like my second-favorite dystopian Young Adult book series turned movie series, The Hangry Tournament (Love Choice, of course, is my favorite, but THT is pretty close). It's about a group of attractive-but-relatable teens who are dumped in the middle of the wilderness and forced to compete for survival, while of course getting involved in a complex web of interlocking love triangles. At last, I get to experience the life of the heroine, Jessifer Goldensun… living on the edge, conquering nature, hunting, foraging…

…of course, we kinda did that back in the valley, but out here, it just feels… I dunno, cooler?

Well, hunting isn't exactly what I thought it would be. I thought it'd involve badass-yet-fashionable attire, cool weapons like a bow or a katana, and a dope metal soundtrack, but apparently that wouldn't be hunting the Plantar way. And oh joy, Sprig was on hand to teach me the Plantar Method personally.

The Plantar Method has three main steps. And Step One almost lost me right away.

Step One is "tracking your prey". This sounds pretty self-explanatory until you learn how you're supposed to do it. You're supposed to use your sense of taste. In other words, you're supposed to eat the dirt.

Now, I shouldn't have to explain why this is disgusting. It's dirt. It's full of germs and parasites and live worms and (shudder) leavings.

The leavings are what I'm supposed to want to find, by the way. It's how you know there's prey nearby. Lovely.

Step Two is "use your surroundings. i.e building a trap. See, this, I really don't have a problem with. It's common sense. But then we get to Step Three… the Dance.

The dance is supposedly some sort of family technique that goes back a thousand years. Legend has it that it was passed down from the family founder, Lily Plantar, herself. It's supposed to be able to instantly hypnotize any animal… but from where I was standing, it looked like a bunch of random gyration and flopping around with no rhyme or reason.

That said, Sprig did manage to catch a bunch of grubbles, but that isn't exactly hard. See, grubbles are weird. They're these worm-things that make absolutely no biological sense. They don't seem to have brains, blood, or organs… just sweet, spongy flesh, insides that basically resemble crème filling, and an outer coat that comes in three flavors: chocolate, raspberry, and green tea.

[Drawing of a Grubble]

HOW DOES THIS WORK?!

Basically, they're a bunch of living Twinkies. I couldn't see myself needing any kind of ridiculous dance to capture them.

I suggested that we split up; we'd be able to catch more that way. He didn't seem to like the idea, but I convinced him it would be more efficient.

It took longer than usual to prove me wrong this time. Almost ten whole minutes.

I was about to skewer me some Grubble-kebabs with a pointy stick I'd scavenged when I heard a scream from the direction Sprig had gone off in. I ran back to camp, but Bessie was the only one there. Everyone else had vanished. Just then, I heard something growling. I followed the sound and saw… it.

It was like some mad scientist had fused a wolf with a scorpion. And it had my family.

[Drawing of Scorpileo]

GOOD LUCK SLEEPING TONIGHT!

It dragged them off into the forest. I tried to track it, but it became very clear that while I had talked a big game earlier, I had absolutely no idea what I was doing. I was about to give up hope of ever seeing them when I heard Sprig's voice. Had he somehow escaped to help me out.

Well, not exactly. It was closer to a psychotic break, actually.

Okay, so, it was a hallucination conjured up by my subconscious thanks to stress, hunger, and dehydration, but it sure was helpful! It reminded me of the steps to the Plantar Method, which I had completely blanked on due to confusion, worry, and not really paying all that much attention in the first place.

Step One: Taste the dirt. Every bit as gross as anticipated. And yet… I did catch something. Earlier, Polly'd been snacking on a cookie she'd hidden in her bow (way to hold out on us, by the way), and I was picking up the crumbs. I had an idea of which direction the monster had taken them.

We continued to track the thing across the forest. I did finally get my dope metal soundtrack thanks to Imaginary Sprig, though I could've done without his choice of lyrics. Then again, if it's my subconscious mind creating him, wouldn't the lyrics be my fault? Agggh, this is confusing!

We finally caught up to the creature, which Imaginary Sprig told me was called a Scorpileo. It didn't seem to notice us, so I built a pit trap (step two) and prepared for step three… The Dance.

Now, here's the problem. I absolutely cannot dance without music. I have no sense of internal rhythm. Normally, I'd just turn on my favorite dance mix, but I left my phone in the Fwagon. I tried, but it wasn't working.

Then I finally heard it.

The dripping water. The wind rushing through the leaves. The rat-tat-tat of a woodpecker. A bug playing a rock like bongo drums for some reason.

The dope soundtrack had been around me all along. I let it take control. In the next few moments, it was as if I had merged with the forest itself. The beast saw me, but I had it hypnotized. It was mine to control. I provoked it just enough to make it charge, and lured it into the trap.

Of course, trapping something and keeping it trapped were two very different things. I had just enough time to grab my fam and get out of there before the Scorpileo escaped.

Luckily, Sprig had stowed the Grubbles he'd caught in the Fwagon before the Scorpileo captured him, so we weren't going. Still… it'll be nice when we get out of here and back to something remotely civilized. Hunting was an interesting experience, but I don't think I want to make a habit of it. I'm still tasting that dirt, and I can't prove it, but I have no way of knowing an animal hadn't done its business in it.

…wait a minute…

If the floating Sprig head was entirely created from my subconscious, then how the heck did it know the name of a creature I'd never heard of?

A.N.: That STILL bothers me!

Snake screamer: I appreciate that you're interested in my story, but a word of advice: In the future, please don't make suggestions for future chapters. There's a good chance that I've already thought of some of them on my own. Like… in Ch. 46, I was absolutely planning to bring up Anne's terrible history with being in school plays. So when I see you offer a suggestion that I was already planning to do, I feel like people are going to think that I'm taking your suggestions without crediting you. And I don't want that. So, thanks, but please, stick to feedback on stuff I've already written.

Jose: Yep. They needed motivation.

Next: Truck Stop Polly