45. We All Have Our Demons

       Tossing the butt away, she popped a piece of gum in her mouth and sprayed a few puffs of her perfume on herself, climbing back in the car. 

       Smoking was a shameful habit she picked up after her Aunt Liz died. She had been sulking on a park bench and someone offered her one. Lo and behold, within a few days, she was hooked. And oh boy the earful she got when her doctor wife found out 2 months later. It was bad enough to drive her to quit. But around the two hardest days for her every year, she usually went through a pack or two. She didn’t even like them. She hated them. Hated the taste, the feeling. But it was the only thing that seemed to help keep her sane. 

       She already knew this was a secret she wanted to keep far, far away from Waverly. 

       Pulling up to the beach house, she grabbed the pizza box and the case of soda she picked up, heading up to the door. She kicked it with her foot a few times and the brunette answered, towel wrapped around the top of her head from her shower. “Delivery,” she chortled in a horrible British accent.

       Waverly scrunched her face together, taking the pizza from her hand. “Dork,” she mumbled with a laugh, walking towards the kitchen.

       Nicole set the root beer in the fridge, grabbing them each one first. “I’m gonna go shower, I feel like ocean. Go ahead and eat without me.” 

       Waverly looked at her with sad eyes, taking the can from her outstretched hand. “Can’t you wait?” She asked quietly. 

       Nicole touched the box in her back pocket. “Uhm . . . Yea, I guess,” she said with a shrug. “Let me go plug my phone in, though.” She nodded, so the Deputy rushed up the stairs and set the box and lighter behind a plant on the balcony, knowing you couldn’t see it if you weren’t looking for it. She plugged her phone in and walked back downstairs, sitting across from her girlfriend. 

       “Are you ok?” The smaller asked, eyeing her. 

       She plopped a slice onto her plate, looking up at her. “Yea, I’m fine. Why?” 

       Waverly shook her head. “I don’t know, you’re being weird,” she mumbled. 

       Nicole shrugged again. “I’m fine, Love,” she assured with a smile. Lying to her gave her the worst pit in her stomach, but she shook it off. Everything would be back to normal by the time they got back to Purgatory. 

       “Ook,” she sighed. The swing of conversation quickly went back to normal after a few minutes. They finished up their dinner and Waverly dropped down on the couch to watch some TV. 

       “I’m gonna shower now, Babe,” Nicole informed, standing behind her with her hands on her shoulders. 

       Waverly tipped her head back. “M’kay. Kiss?” 

       She smiled, leaning forward and giving her one before heading upstairs. She sighed as she got drawn out onto the balcony. Snatching up the box, she propped her feet up on the table. She lit one and took a long pull of it, watching the fiery end glow against the night sky. 

       She wasn’t fine. When she remembered that her aunt’s anniversary was in two days earlier, it really hit her like a ton of bricks. After she died, she was a total mess. She started drinking all the time. She started smoking. Hell, she basically stopped eating for a little while. The only reason she didn’t totally lose her mind was because she had a wife that she could use to, though she hated to admit it, screw her feelings out. And that’s how the first 2 months of their relationship went. She’d go to Academy, come home, drink, and they’d have sex. Over and over. Night after night. And when her dad’s anniversary came around that year, it only got worse. 

       Shae finally put an end to it all when she came home with smoke on her breath and half a pack in her pocket. She had been too drunk to remember to hide it. And Nicole did have to admit that if it wasn’t for her, she didn’t know what would have happened to her. She got her to stop smoking. She got her to cut back on her drinking. She was there for her to talk about everything she was going through. Nicole was basically throwing her life away. And Shae was there to put her back together. 

       The next year with no Shae around was quite hard. That week she went back to her old ways. Drinking, smoking, sleeping around. She got her shit together all until it went crashing down again a month later on her dad’s anniversary. But she set herself straight. Knocked it into her head that she was stronger than that. She was better than that. The following year was better. Yea, she smoke. Drank a little. But she kept it together. She told herself that she would have to keep it together. 

       And now. Here she was. Sitting in front of the Pacific Ocean with a root beer in her left hand and a cigarette in the other. She was doing better, she did have to admit that. Last year, she would have already blown through 4 packs by now. But, then again. This year she had someone to hide it from. 

       She took one last draw, dropping the end to the floor and stomping it out. She blew out a puff of smoke through her nose, bending down and tossing it off the balcony. She opened the glass door, stepping into the house and heading off the shower to wash the stink of fish pee off of her. 

.  .  .

       Waverly smiled, hearing her girlfriend trotting down the steps. She looked over, finding her in the flannel she had worn earlier unbuttoned over her bra and briefs. “I thought you drowned or something,” she said with a laugh as she plopped down next to her. They switched positions and the smaller girl leaned back into her. 

       “How do you drown in a shower?” Nicole questioned. 

       Waverly turned around, tracing a finger down her lips. “Shhhhh.” She tipped her head up, leaning into a kiss. “Minty,” she chuckled. 

       Nicole smiled, pulling her higher up on her lap. “Beer-y,” she replied, tasting the bitter substance on her lips. 

       “You took too long and I got bored,” she mumbled into her lips. 

       “I didn’t even know we had beer here,” she admitted. 

       “I found a whole case in the cupboard.” 

       “I see,” she drawled. She lifted her up and laid her on her back, slipping in between her legs. Waverly let out a moan as her front came in contact with her core. 

       She was somewhat shocked at the rate the Officer was mashing their lips together. She had barely enough time to realize that her lips were on her’s before she was pulling back and going in for another. So much so, it took her a second to realize that a tongue was being shoved in her mouth. Was she complaining? No, not really. If a fast-paced make-out session was what she was feeling up for that was fine. 

       It wasn’t until she felt a drop of wetness hit her cheek that she pushed her back. “Nic, stop,” she breathed, pushing her hands against her shoulders. She let out a grumble, pulling her hands away, forcing her mouth back on her’s. She tried again. “Nicole, seriously.” She slid backward, sitting up a bit. Looking up at her, she saw the tears slowly rolling down her face. “Baby, what is it?” She asked quietly, grabbing her hand and rubbing her thumb across the top. 

       Nicole stood up, pulling her hand away. “Nothing. Just give me a minute,” she mumbled, heading for the steps.

       The brunette got up to follow her. “Baby, c’mon. Don’t shut me out.” 

       She spun around, pushing a hand against her chest. “I’m not. I just need a minute,” she said, maybe a little too forceful for her liking. 

       Waverly looked up at her for a second before stepping back. “Ok,” she sighed. “I’ll be here when you’re ready.” 

       Nicole nodded, quickly rushing up the steps. She covered her mouth at the top, leaning forward, bracing herself against her knee. What the fuck is wrong with you? Can you seriously not handle yourself anymore? She let out a sob, standing up straight and heading to the balcony. She pushed her hands through her hair. All she wants is to fucking help and look at you, running from your problems. Just like you always do. Scanning her eyes around, she growled, snatching up the empty can she had forgotten out there, crushing it in her hand. She dropped it, looking down at the cut down her palm she had just gotten. Go do it. What you always do. She wiped her face with the flannel, lighting up again. When the smoke hit her lungs, she felt herself start to calm down. That’s how she got hooked in the first place, after all. The immediate relief she felt. Wrapping her arms around herself, she sat down in the corner of the balcony, pulling her knees to her chest. 

___

       Waverly was more than confused. She had never seen Nicole do anything like that before. Usually when something was bothering her she’d own up to it. Talk to her about what was going on. There had been a few times where she would have to pull it out of her, but that was about it. Whatever this was had been bothering her for a while. She could tell when she tried to avoid her when she got home. 

       The worst part was that she had no clue what was going on. Nothing had happened unless she was weirdly worked up over that photographer dude. They were on vacation, for fuck’s sake. She was running things over in her head, trying to think of something. Was it something she did? No. She hadn’t done anything. 

       And then it hit her.

       Aunt Liz.

       The reason they were there in the first place. 

       How could she have forgotten? She hadn’t once asked how she was doing. If she was ok. The guilt hit her like a freight train. She let out a helpless groan, pushing herself up off the couch, slumping to the fridge to grab her third beer for the night.

       She didn’t even like Corona. 

___

       Nicole spat the mouthwash into the sink, rinsing her mouth out a few times. She looked up at herself in the bathroom mirror. She looked horrible. Her eyes were sunken in and she had tear stains all over her face. Her hair was a mess. Then again, she was a mess, so what did it matter? She peeled the wad of toilet paper off her hand and threw it away, sulking back downstairs. Waverly looked up at her glumly from the couch. She stopped at the bottom of the steps, clutching her arms to her chest, contemplating just going back upstairs. You promised. With a sigh, she walked over, grabbing the bottle of beer she saw sitting on the table and dropping down onto the opposite end of the couch, chugging it in one go. 

       “Would you come here?” Waverly begged. The redhead looked up at her like a kid who just got in trouble. “Please?” The concern in her eyes made Nicole break down again. She dropped her head to her knees, sobs racking through her. Waverly’s heart shattered. She pushed herself up, moving over to her and pulling her into her arms. 

       “I’m sorry,” she blubbered. 

       “Shh, you’re ok.” The redhead wrapped her arms tightly around her, sobbing incoherent words into her chest. Waverly grabbed her hand, standing up. She winced, pulling it back. The brunette furrowed her brow, taking it again, seeing the cut this time. “Baby, what’d you do?” She asked softly. Nicole shook her head, curling tighter around herself. She sighed, getting her to her feet. “Let’s go to bed, alright?” 

       With some trouble, she got the Deputy up the steps and laid down on the bed. She curled up on her when she laid down herself. “I can’t do it,” she bawled. 

       Waverly shook her head. “Yes, you can, Love. She wouldn’t have wanted you hurting like this. You gotta tell me what’s going on.” 

       Another round of sobs shook through her. She clutched herself tightly to Waverly’s chest. “I . . . I don’t wanna go back to how I was after it. Y-You can’t see me like that.” 

       She closed her eyes. “Like what?” She really wasn’t sure if she wanted to know the answer if it had her this worked up.

       “No,” she mumbled. “I can’t- No.” 

       She sighed, running her fingers through her tangled hair. “Whatever it was, whatever you did, I don’t care. We all have our demons, Baby.” 

       Nicole let out a shaky sigh, closing her eyes. “I just want to sleep,” she whispered, rolling off of her, curling into her side. Waverly turned to face her, wiping her thumbs under her eyes. “I love you,” she mumbled. 

       She leaned in, giving her a gentle kiss. “I love you, too.” Nicole forced a small smile, one last tear running down her cheek. Waverly pulled her close, tugging the blanket up over her, hearing her breathing steady out after a few minutes. 

.  .  .

       “WAKE UP! WAKE UP! WAKE UP!” Waverly’s eyes popped open, finding the redhead jumping up and down on the bed. 

       “Whattt?” She grumbled, covering her face with the blanket.

       Nicole plopped down next to her, ripping it down. “WE’RE GOING TO DISNEYLAND!” 

       She blinked up at her chipper face. “What?” This was not how she expected to wake up this morning after the night before. 

       “WE. ARE GOING TO THE HAPPIEST PLACE ON EARTH! C’MON, WAVE!” She jumped over her and off the bed, tugging on her arm. 

       “Disneyland?” She mumbled, rubbing the sleep out of her eyes as she sat up. 

       “UH-HUH!” 

       Waverly suddenly came to. “Disneyland?!” She repeated, a big smile creeping up her face. 

       “C’mon!” She stood up from the floor and tossed her bag at her. Waverly giggled, quickly changing into some clean clothes, which ironically happened to include that Lion King shirt. “I’ma start the car. Bring all your stuff out when you are ready.” Waverly nodded, giving her a kiss before she walked out. 

       The Officer went outside, turning the key in the ignition of the Lambo. She stepped back out of the car and walked back to the trunk, grabbing the pack out of her pocket. She pulled a cigarette out and lit it, eyes locked on the window upstairs. 

       A minute later, she saw the light go off. She tossed what was left of it away and popped some more gum in her mouth, spraying herself down before walking casually up to the front of the car, leaning back onto the hood. Waverly came out, bag in tow. Nicole walked up to meet her, taking it with a smile. “I got it.” Waverly smiled at her, kissing her cheek as a thank you before she climbed in the car. Nicole shoved the bag in the trunk, taking a steady breath before joining her in the car. “So. I thought we should get well prepared for this trip.” 

       Waverly looked to her with her eyebrows raised. “And how’s that?” 

       Nicole pushed a button on her phone, You’ve Got a Friend in Me immediately playing through the speakers. “With some music, of course!” The brunette beamed at her, pulling her in for a kiss. She backed out of the driveway, both saying a silent goodbye to the ocean as they traveled farther inland. 

.  .  .

       “OHMYGODISEEIT!” Waverly exclaimed, practically jumping out of her car seat. 

       “I’ve never been here, so this will be an adventure for both of us,” Nicole admitted. 

       They pulled into the park and found a parking spot. Waverly barrelled out of the car, yanking on her arm. “C’mon, Nic!!” 

       “Ow, my arm doesn’t bend like that!” She sputtered. Waverly loosened her grip a little, wincing an apology. She climbed out of the car, taking her hand and they walked, more or less ran, through the entrance. The younger girl’s eyes were as wide as could be looking around at all the characters and shops.

       She suddenly grabbed onto Nicole’s hips. “Can we get ears?!” 

       Nicole laughed, pushing a strand of her hair behind her ear. “You can get whatever you want, Love.” 

       “Really?” She squeaked. The redhead nodded with a smile. She jumped up into her arms and Nicole caught her, hugging her waist. “I love you so much, Nic,” she gushed.

       “I love you, too, Baby,” she laughed, setting her back on the ground. “Ok. Where to first?”

.  .  .

       The girls had scoured almost the whole park by nightfall. They had fit in as many rides as they could. And, needless to say, they were exhausted. Running around a theme park all day will certainly do that to you. 

       “You ready to call it a day, Babe?” Nicole asked the girl hanging on her arm. 

       “Yea,” she said with a yawn. 

       “Ok, let’s go,” she chuckled. They made their way out the entrance of the park, getting one more photo with Goofy. “I can go get the car and pick you up here if you want?” 

       “You sure?” She asked a little uncertain, even though she knew she didn’t want to have to walk all the way back out to the car. 

       “Yea, it’s fine. I’ll be right back.” She gave her a kiss and straightened her Minnie ears before walking off to find the car. 

       She had managed to make it through the whole day without smoking, and she was pretty proud of herself for it. Sure, she had thought about making up an excuse to head out to the car a few times, but they were having too much fun and she didn’t want to waste the time they had there. Finally able to light one up, she checked behind her, making sure that her girlfriend was too far away to see her before she pulled one out. 

       She reached the car a few minutes later and she took a couple of long drags to finish it up, dropping it to the ground and stomping it out. She coughed a few times as she got in the car, doing her new ritual of shoving a piece of gum in her mouth and dousing herself in perfume. 

       Pulling up beside the brunette, she unlocked the door and she climbed in. “Hey,” she smiled with a cough. 

       “Hi,” Waverly smiled. Nicole coughed a few more times as she pulled away. “You ok?” 

       “Yea, I’m good,” she ensured with a smile. “I have to ask . . .” 

       “Ask what?”  

       “Is this actually . . . The Happiest Place on Earth?” 

       Waverly giggled, kissing her knuckles. “I think it is, yea.” Nicole beamed, nodding her head in agreement. She couldn’t help but feel the tightness in her chest that had been lingering with her, coughing a few more times. “Are you sure you’re ok, Nic? You’ve been coughing all day.” 

       She looked towards her with a shrug. “Yea, I’m fine. Must be allergies or something.”  

       “Better not be getting sick on me,” she sighed. The redhead smiled, cupping her hand over the smaller girl’s. 

       She wasn’t excited for the three-hour drive ahead of her. It was already 8 o’clock and she was pretty exhausted from her long day. She let out a sigh, leaning back in her seat, turning the radio on low. 

       An hour into the drive, she noticed Waverly had fallen asleep curled up on the seat. She gently removed her ears that had fallen in front of her face, setting them on her lap. She took off her own as well, feeling the small headache creeping up from the constant pressure they were putting on the sides of her head. Biting the side of her cheek as she looked over at her, she pulled the car over to the side of the road, digging the pack out of her pocket and stepping out of the car. “Damn,” she mumbled, seeing it was the last one. She figured she’d pick up another one before they got back to the condo. 

       She finished it up, climbing back into the car and pulling out onto the open road. She was scared for the next day. She didn’t know how she’d handle it. She wanted to be strong for Waverly because she didn’t like showing her weak sides. But she wasn’t so sure that she could this time. And going to her grave. She was a mess each time. With a sigh, she flipped through the stations, trying to find something to brighten up her mood a little. 

.  .  .

       Nicole let out a breath of relief as she pulled into the driveway of the condo. It had been a long ass drive and she was ready for bed. She got out of the car and walked around, unbuckling the smaller girl and lifting her out of the seat, carrying her inside and up to bed. “Cole,” Waverly mumbled as Nicole pulled the covers over her. 

       “Go back to sleep, Babe,” she whispered, kissing her forehead. 

       “Where you goin’?” 

       “I’m getting our bags out of the car. Night, Love,” she whispered. 

       “Mm.” She fell back to sleep within seconds, so Nicole walked back outside, deciding to smoke once more before bed. She felt like one of those old lowlifes that did nothing but smoke. That’s all her brain thought about at this point, though. 

       Walking back inside, she tossed their bags on the floor and threw the full pack into her suitcase. She took her shorts off and plopped onto the bed, passing out after a few minutes. 

.  .  .

       Waverly woke up with a yawn, flipping over onto her stomach. Her eyes slowly opened, finding herself in an empty bed. She figured she was down working out again. 

       Shit. 

       July 2nd. 

       Worried was an understatement. Nicole’s freak out from the other night scared her. Especially with what she said about not wanting to go back to how she was right after she died. She decided she really wanted to know what happened at this point, but she knew Nicole wouldn’t tell her. It really wasn’t her business. But something really bad must have happened. And she wanted to know what it was.

       Guilt streamed through her blood as she pulled her phone out of her pocket. 

Waverly Earp: Hey, Shae

Shae Pressman: Hey, what’s up?

Waverly Earp: I feel like a really horrible person right now

Waverly Earp: But what was Nic like after her aunt died? She mentioned something the other night and I just want to be prepared for today if something happens, Idk

Shae Pressman: That is today, isn’t it?

Shae Pressman: Damn

Shae Pressman: Do you want me to be straight with u?

Waverly Earp: Yea kinda

Shae Pressman: It wasn’t pretty, I’ll tell u that. I’m not surprised she didn’t tell u cuz she’s real ashamed about it

Shae Pressman: She was pretty screwed up. I’d say borderline alcoholic. Didn’t tell me what her feelings were ever. It only got worse when her dad’s thing came around

Shae Pressman: Took me until I found out she’d been smoking to try and fix her. I got her to open up and she straightened out. Cut back drinking. Stopped smoking. Actually told me what was going on.

Waverly Earp: Holy shit

Shae Pressman: Yea…

Waverly Earp: Well thanks, ig. I’m glad you set her straight

Shae Pressman: Me too, girl. Take care of her today, alright? Ik it’s still not easy for her

Waverly Earp: I will

       She shook her head. She couldn’t imagine how horrible she felt for her to get that low. Pushing herself off the bed, she stood up with a stretch, knowing she needed to give her all of her love right now. Walking towards the door, she picked up her shorts that were splayed out on the floor, folding them up to put back in her bag. She paused, feeling that there was still stuff in her pockets. She pulled out her wallet from the right pocket, setting it down on the nightstand. Digging in her left pocket, she felt a box. Cocking an eyebrow, she pulled it out.

       Her stomach rippled with anger.

       She opened the top, seeing the pack of cigarettes was empty. That only made her madder. She slammed the shorts to the floor, storming out of the room and down the stairs. She ripped the front door open. 

       Nicole was sitting on the porch swing with her earbuds in, leaning over her phone with a cigarette in her hand. Waverly chucked the box at her face, face red with fury. The Officer’s head snapped up, eyes widening at her. “Why?!” She demanded, crossing her arms. 

       She tossed it into the grass, pulling her earbuds out of her ears and blowing out a puff of smoke as she stood. “Wave,” she choked out with a cough. “I’m sorry.” 

       “Are you though? Because I really don’t think you are. I could care less about the fact that you are smoking. If that’s still how you handle this, whatever. But the fact that you chose to not tell me about it!? I asked you over and over why you were being so damn weird lately. If you were ok. And now I find out that you’d rather sneak off to smoke a fucking cigarette instead of talking to me?! I came with you to help you through this week, not to be kept in the dark and told that you’re fine over and over! It’s normal to have feelings, Nicole. I get your a cop and like to be a hardass, but god damn! Talk to me about it, Nic! What are you so afraid of?!” 

       A tear fell from her eye, but she quickly wiped it. “I told you I didn’t want you to see me like this,” she mumbled, not meeting her eyes. 

       “Well, guess what? I already talked to Shae about it, so it's a little late for that.” 

       Nicole’s head snapped to meet her eyes. “You what? Why?!” 

       “Because! I care about you! I needed to know what was going on and I knew you wouldn’t tell me!” 

       “Yea, well, I had a good reason not to! Jesus Christ, Waverly, there’s some stuff I don’t like talking about!” She wiped another tear from her face. 

       The brunette took a few steps closer to her, taking a breath to calm herself down. “Ok. Look. I don’t wanna fight and I know you don’t either. But, you’ve gotta talk to me, Baby. I know you’re going through a lot right now and I want to help you.” She wiped the tears that were escaping her eyes at a steady pace now. Nicole nodded, leaning her head into her hands as she closed her eyes. “Ok,” she breathed. “Let’s go inside, Love.” She held the door open for the redhead. “I hope you know I’m not kissing you with cigarette breath,” she grumbled. 

       Nicole walked over to the trash can, dropping the pack into it, giving the brunette a small smile as she put a piece of gum in her mouth. “Now you won’t have to.” 

       The girls spent the next two hours talking. Nicole finally opened up about everything she was feeling and everything she had gone through in years past. Waverly held her when she was crying so hard she couldn’t speak, most of the time crying along with her. The redhead promised to never pick up a cigarette again, but more importantly, to never hide her feelings from her.

       They got cleaned up and went for some breakfast before heading up to the cemetery. Nicole put the car in park, tapping her foot as she took a drink of her coffee. Waverly placed her hand gently on her thigh. “It’s ok,” she soothed. “Do you want me to go over with you?” 

       “Only if you want to,” she murmured, looking out the window. 

       “No. Do you want me to?” The redhead looked at her, unsure of her answer. “How about this? You can go over there, do what you need to, and then you can decide. How does that sound?” She gave her a small smile, running her thumb along her thigh. 

       “Ok,” she agreed quietly. 

       “Ok. Take your time, Nic. We've got all day.” 

       She nodded, letting out a shaky breath. She gave her girlfriend a slow kiss before climbing out of the car, sticking her hands in her pockets as she slowly walked over to the headstone, looking down at it silently for a minute. She sat down with a sigh, picking at the grass. “You know damn well I’m gonna cry, don’t give me that bullshit.” 

       Waverly watched on from the car as she began to talk to her. And she continued to watch as she sat there for about an hour. It was humbling. Watching her smile as she went along, blabbering like she was actually sitting there right in front of her. She knew that Nicole knew deep down in her heart that someway, somehow Aunt Liz was listening. Waverly had no clue what she was talking to her about, but whatever it was looked to be bringing back the Nicole she been missing the past few days. 

       The Deputy looked up at the brunette, giving her a smile as she waved her over. She got out of the car and walked over, sitting down next to her. “That’s cute,” she said, pointing to the inscription at the bottom of the headstone.

I Didn't Live to Watch You Come Here and Cry About Me Dying

       Nicole smiled, wrapping an arm around her waist. “She’d always say that- Well, worded in the not-dead way, but yea.” 

       Waverly giggled, leaning her head on her shoulder. “Have you babbled about me yet?” She asked, wiggling her eyebrows. 

       “I think you are the only thing I’ve talked about, honestly. Moving to Purgatory and meeting you are the only two good things that have happened to me since last year.” 

       “Are you telling me you sat here for an hour talking about me?”

       “Yea, pretty much,” she sighed. 

       “You need to get a life, Haught.” 

       The redhead threw her a look. “Waverly Earp, you are my life.”