275. The Rat King ~Boomtown Rat~

"Goddamn it!" yelled Gabrielle. "Narcos!? Did we go another left!? Ugh! We're somewhere else, now... Damn Burnham Market's practically a labyrinth."

Narcos sighs. "Sorry!" yelled Narcos. "I didn't mean it..."

"Yeah? Well... we're lost in the creepy market in the middle of the night... Hay Naku..."

"Well... Look at the bright side! We're gonna have fun I think! Because it's another adventure!"

"Whatever! All I wanted was to buy the book that isn't about Grimms or Cryptids or whatever! I wanted to read The Lord of the Things! It's the only thing that's-..."

"Step right up! Step right up! You, there! Green-haired lady!"

Gabrielle turns to a handsome yet thin man who sports a mustache and a top hat. He wears a black coat with a white polo and a red bowtie. He has a black cane. He wears black pants and black leather shoes. The man speaks like a guy in a YouTube Ad.

(theme begins)

"Hello, there! The name's Samuel Cameron! King of the Ratmen! AHAHAHAHA!!!"

His cackles sound like demonic yelling in front of a broken electric fan.

"There's a Ratman King!?" smiled Narcos.

"Strange... No one in the diaries ever wrote about the 'Rat King,'" Gabrielle squints her eyes.

"Well of course! Grimms can't document everything, now, can they?Hahahahahaha!Step right up to the game! The Game of Rats!"

Gabriele raises her eyebrow. "No thanks..."

"Hm... I can see that you're lost! Maybe I could gamble... the directions OUTTA HERE!!! Which is a secret..."

Gabrielle squints her eyes. "Nah..."

"I'll gamble ten units!" yelled Narcos.

"Narcos!" Gabrielle scolded.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!" He cackled with a rather eerie voice. "I don't want units! I gave you a secret! You have to gamble something of equal importance!"

Gabrielle squints her eyes. "Alright..."

"HAHAHAHA! For a Grimm, you're kind of a ditz, now, aren't you!? You can't win this! You just can't! HAHAHAHA!"

Gabrielle bows her head and looks away.

"That's strange... Grimms usually either get annoyed by my taunting or call me out that I'm taunting them. Instead... this girl looks as if she hates herself... What a peculiar... PECULIAR!!! ...girl..."

"I'll try," smiled Narcos.

"Something about this one... however... feels... dangerous... Eh... A gamble's a gamble! And he looks stupid! AHAHAHAHA!!!" The Rat King laughs and sneers psychotically. "HAHAHAHA!!! Sure thing, kid! Sure thing!"

Suddenly, behind the Rat King what looks like a trio of pitch-black shadow rats with their tails stuck together spinning behind him appears. The "rats" have white goggles for their eyes.

"Sure thing..."

(theme ends at 1:36)

*CLING*

The Rat King places a wine glass in front of Narcos.

(theme continues at 1:36)

"Here's the deal! Here's the deal! Here's the deal that I feel! Shatter it! Shatter it! Shatter it! Shatter it like there's no tomorrow! Shatter it like it's your **** in DESTROYDICKDECEMBER!!! Come on, kid! COME ON!!! SHATTER IT!!!"

His advertiser voice changes to horrific crying when he yells out words.

Narcos prepares Coldplay.

"BUT!!! FAIR WARNING!!! THE WINE MUST TOUCH THE WOODEN TABLE!!! IF NOT, YOU LOSE AND I'LL HAVE FREE BOOZE!!! "

"Well... You do realize that if I break it on the table... the wine's gonna end up there, right?"

"I... suppose..."

Narcos rolls his eyes and shakes his head. 

Narcos tosses the wine glass into the table.

*CLANG!!! SHATTER!!!*

"WOO!!!" smiled Narcos. "H-Huh?"

The wine hovers above the table as if it is still inside a standing glass.

"What?"

"We~ell?" asked Rat King. "Pay up, Bucko!"

"A-A... secret... I've got none of those yet!" yelled Narcos.

"What!? No secrets!? What!? Were you just born two weeks ago!?"

"YES!!!" yelled Narcos.

Rat King stares at Narcos. "You're not joking... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! AHAHAHAHAHA!!! Okay! Okay! Okay! Okay! Too bad! You can't pay anyTHING!!! Conditions aren't met! Not at all!So! I know! I know! I know! I'll take something else from that fine ass of yours!"

(theme ends)

"What?" smiled Narcos.

"Your soul! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!" cackled Rat King.

Narcos' soul is suddenly pulled out from his body, along with his Stand.

"WAIT!!!" yelled Gabrielle. "Narcos! You gotta have a secret, right!?"

Narcos sighs. "Fine! I accidentally read Mercuria's diary! She left it in your room for some reason and I learned that she has a crush on that Spice Girl chick..."

"NOT GOOD ENOUGH!!! HAHAHAHAHA!!!"

"How about that time I dropped Gabrielle's toothbrush in the toilet?" 

"What!?" asked Gabrielle.

"What?" Narcos acted like an idiot. "What's a toothbrush?"

"OH, SCREW YOU!!!"

"NOT GOOD ENOUGH!!! CACKLED RAT KING!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!" cackled Rat King.

"Did you just narrate your own cackling?" asked Gabrielle.

"HAHAHAHAHA!!!" cackled Rat King. "CACKLED RAT KING!!! WELL!? WELL!? WELL!? STEP RIGHT THE FUCK UP, BITCHES!!! SPEAK!!! SPEAK!!! SPEAK!!!"

Narcos stared at Gabrielle and his eyes quivered. He turned red. "I've got nothing..."

"You've got nothing? Ha... Aha... AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!Bye."

*SPLAT*

Narcos' soul turns into a jelly-like substance and is turned into a coin, which Rat King pockets in one of the tiny pockets of the sub-pockets of the pockets of his jacket.

"Why do you have so many-?"

"I'm a hoarder. AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"

Gabrielle shakes her head. "YOU CHEATED!!! BRING ME BACK MY FRIEND!!!"

"Your friend? Aw... Shucks... buddy... better luck next time!!! There are plenty more water rats in the sea!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"

"What the hell are you talking about!? Will you stop that laughing! God! It's like a kookaburra on steroids you are."

"Ooh! Did I strike a nerve? You pregnant or somethin'? HAHAHAHA!!!"

"How'd you-?"

"I was joking I swear... HAHAHAHAHA!!! AHAHAHAHAHA!!! AHAHAHAHAHA!!! HA..."

"Hey! I am Gabrielle Ibarra-!"

"THAT'S A LIE!!! Sorry for yelling... That's a LIE!!! Lie... LIE!!! Lie... LIE!!! THAT'S A-... Goddamned... LIE!!! And you know it, buster!"

"Fine! Gabrielle JoJo! Now... GIVE ME BACK MY-!"

"JoJo!? JoJo..." Rat King thinks for a while. He remembers...

"JOOOOOJOOOOOOOO!????YOUR FATHER CHEATED ON A GAME AGAINST ME!!!"

"My father?"

"YES!!! Yes... Yes? Yes!? YES!!! YES!!! YES!!! I remember... Yes! No... Nah... Nope! Wait... Yeah... YEAH!!! YEAH!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"

"20 years ago... HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

So there I was doing normie things... Y'know... normie things! Doing stuff like being normal! What was it? What was it!? Oh yeah! I was sent to assassinate your father blah blah blah!

I had a really good thing going on, too! I was sent by a gal named Yoshiko Kira. I decided to gamble against him with a game of poker! The rule was, 'Whoever knows he loses... will have their soul given to me!' And it was impossible for me to lose! I was sure of it! But then...

Miguel sighs as he stares at Samuel. Miguel chooses not to pick up the cards. "I'll keep these ones."

"Hahahaha!" he laughed rather elegantly. "Huh? I'm sorry? You didn't check your cards."

"I said I'll keep them."

"Okay?"

Samuel sees that he has four Kings. "Straight Flush or Royal Flush... huh? But that's impossible... I induced it to be... So... that just can't be... Right? Right!? Yeah..."

Miguel just stared at Samuel. "This'll do."

"Haha! No... it won't..."

"How'd you know?"

"HA!!! AHAHAHA!!! HA~a?"

The pair just stared at each other.

"CHECK YOUR DAMNED CARDS!!!"

"I said this'll do..."

"FINE!!!" Samuel prepares to show his cards.

"Wait. I didn't call."

"THEN CALL!!!" Samuel shivered in fear.

"Okay... Wait... I'll bet... My soul..."

"Okay-..."

"My father's soul-..."

"What!?"

"My brother's... Anne's... And everyone in Weeb Town's..."

"HEY!!! YOU CAN'T DO THAT!!!"

"Yes, I can. Okay. Your turn..." Miguel sneered psychotically.

"I C-..." He began gagging. "I C-!!! I C-!!! I C-C-C-!!! *GAG*..." He vomits all over the table as everyone in the area stares at him. He vomits more and more as he drops to the ground and faints.

The souls are then let out.

"Cool," smiled Miguel. "Yo! Waiter dude! Can I get a martini?"

"And after that, I lost everything... My money... My wife... My best friend... who had a relationship with my wife... My brother... who also had a relationship with my wife... My mother... who died in a car crash... My father... who also had and probably still has a relationship with his wife... my house... the other stuff... Then I moved to a dumpster near town..."

Now...

"You mean..." said Gabrielle. "That dumpster behind you? The one that cat is pissing on?"

Rat King turns behind him and sees a cat urinating on it. "HEY!!! THAT'S A RENTAL!!! DAMN IT, SHELDON!!!" Rat King chases after him.

Gabrielle's string seems to have grabbed a hold of a coin with Narcos' face on it.

Suddenly, it fades away from her hand.

"What!?"

Rat King walks back to the table. "Sheesh! That Sheldon! Always pissing on MY dumpster! God! I watched Tom and Jerry! Trust me! Those losers will always have a black woman to slap their asses back home."

"How'd-? Grr... RAUGH!!!"

"ORA ORA ORA ORA!!!"

Stone Free's fists pass through The Rat King.

"Wh-?"

Rat King switches between his normal advertiser voice with a feminine high-pitched voice.

"Anything longer he would've humped my wife. Ah, yes!" Rat King shows off a headless mannequin. "Here's my wife... Marilyn Manson.(Heya there! The name Marilyn Manson!)Don't listen to her! She's kinda-... CUCKOO!!! CUCKOO!!!(Wha-!? That's not funny anymore, Samuel!)HAHAHAHAHA!!! Do you know what's not funny? Your flat sense of humor!(Your ass is flat!)You're flat!(Why you-!!!)"

Rat King proceeds to wrestle with the doll and tears off its arm. He woges into a Ratman, a rat humanoid, and yells, "¡TENGO UNA CUCARACHA EN EL CULO!!! LA CUCARACHA!!! AY CARAMBA!!!" Rat King then starts to hump the doll as the doll "moans".

"(Oh my! Samuel! Not in front of the children!)"

"WILL YOU STOP FUCKING THAT PIECE OF PLASTIC AND GIVE ME MY FRIEND BACK!!!?"

Rat King and Marilyn stare at each other. They then turn back to her. They then turn around and walk toward the dumpster."(See, Samuel!? We scared her by our hot adulterous sex!)Yeah! Yeah! But, pumpkin pie! Can't you see that I'm trying to connect with my customers here!?"Marilyn Manson slaps Rat King in the face."(You are going back out there and fix this, Samuel! Give her at least a chance of winning!)OKAY! Fine!"

Rat King places Marilyn gently inside the dumpster.

"Apparently my wife wants me to be fair and strike another bet against you!HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!Women, am I right?"

Gabrielle facepalms and shakes her head. "I'm sorry that Dad drove you insane..."

"Your Dad didn't! A triangle demon with one eye and a top hat did! Made me look at Praed that old fucking pansy giant alleycat! HAHAHAHA!!!Oh, dear... he... heard me...He sees everything as legos... I swear... just SHUSH!!!"

The pair stayed silent for a few seconds.

"Wait... What the hell are you talking about-!?"

"Okay! OKAY!!! Ohohohohoho KAY!!! AHAHAHAHAHA!!! Okay! Second game! Second game! SECOND GAME!!! YEAH!!! WOO!!! TOUCH DOWN!!! WOOHOO!!!Your friend's soul... or yours!!! HAHAHAHAHA!!!"

"You promise that Narcos' soul or his body won't get hurt in this?"

"AHAHAHAHAHA!!! Sure thing... Kid! Step right up! Step right up! I smelled you! Smelled you! You're not only a Grimm! A Black-Eyes you are! Aswang! Aswangs are known to eat carcasses, right!? Being part cat and all!"

The Rat King places a dead rat on the table.

Gabrielle covered her mouth in disgust.

"Eat it!" sneered Rat King, with wide eyes, contracted pupils, and forward and backward head-bobbing.

"WHAT!?"

The Rat King sneered psychotically. "Eat it! Eat it... Eat IT!!! EAT IT!!! BAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!Eat it, kid! And you can have your pink-haired friend back!"

Gabrielle yells, "GOD, NO!!!"

"BAHAHAHAHA!!! Trust me, kid! I've felt worse!Having your child slash nephew slash brother slash godchild DIE IN YOUR ARMS!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!*GASP!!!*And then you start losing people, Black-Eyes... Good people... Very good people... Even those who didn't get the chance to choose if they're good or bad yet... People that you love... start... ashing away... you can feel their cold tiny hands in your palms... You don't even know if they're yours... That damned triangle... shouldn't have taken the deal..." His voice broke... it felt... real...

Gabrielle's eyes quivered from his words.

"J.K.!!! HAHAHAHA!!! AM I KIDDING!? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!" Rat King cackled.

Gabrielle closed her eyes and shook her head. "I am not eating that rat!"

Gabrielle begins to feel something... no... many things... staring at her from the darkness.

"Ah... Come on, young lady! All my new children are watching! There's Todd, Copper, Jerry, Tom (Ironically), Rick, Morty, Finn, Jake, Gumball, Darwin, Phineas, Ferb, The Pine Twins at the corner over there, Spongebob, Patrick-..."

"If I do it, will you not have to introduce me to my children?" asked Gabrielle.

"HAHAHAHAHA!No.Roger, Jessica, Bugs, Daffy, Mickey, Donald, Goofy-..."

10 whole minutes later...

"Tom, Andrew, and Tobey!" smiled Rat King.

Gabrielle had been facepalming the entire time. "Can I please eat the dead rat now? Oh my God, you are quite literally the only person who could ever make anyone in this Goddamned Omniverse say that."

"I can't beat the guy who helps kill Mickey! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Now... EAT!!! EAT!!! Eat? Eat! Eat. Eat. Eat. Eat... Eat... EAT!!! AHAHAHAHAHA!!!Well!?"

Gabrielle pinches her nose and grabs the rat by the tail. She woges into an Aswang as she mouths the rat whole. She tries to swallow.

"H-Huh!?" asked Gabrielle. "Can't... Swallow... the rat...!"

*tik tik tik tik tik tik tik tik tik tik tik tik tik tik tik tik tik tik tik tik*

She ticks her wings nervously in distress. She gags.

"Well?" sneered The Rat King. "What's wrong? Rat's got your tongue? HEHEHEHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! HYEHEHEHEHAHAHYAHAHA!!!SWALLOW!!!"

"I... can't..." Gabrielle begins to suffocate and tear up.

"Your eyes look like they're going to pop."

Gabrielle feels a chill crawling up her spine.

"HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"

The cycling three rats emerge from his body as they slowly morph into a large muscular black furry humanoid creature with three rat heads, each having white glowing goggles for eyes.

"BOOMTOWN RAT!!!" cackled Rat King. "That is my Stand Power! Makes the deals in my rat squeals and makes the probable tragically impossible. That is the rule of my sweet sweet Standoid juice. NGGGHHHH!!! That word turns me on! 'Juice!!!' Nghhhhh!!!"

"(Holy shit! Stop embarrassing the family!)" yelled Rat King, as (Marilyn)."Be quiet and make me a Goddamned sandwich!(With what!?)BE CREATIVE!!! THIS IS A CAPITALIST COUNTRY!!!(THAT'S MARXISM, YOU IDIOT!!!)HAHAHAHAHA!!! GOTCHA!!!(Oh, honey! I can't stay mad at you! Your sense of humor is a strawberry sense of humor! Sweet and juicy and plump and colorful!)HAHAHAHAHA!!! Strawberry's only one color! Wait... There's green and yellow and some pink in there...Also, is wood recyclable?"

Gabrielle coughs it out and woges back to normal. "Oh, dear God! Shut the fuck up! You just can't stop talking when you open that damned mouth of yours! AND I WANT TO NAP!!! I MISSED MY AFTERNOON NAP, OKAY!? THAT'S WHY I'M CRANKY! YES! WOOD CAN BE RECYCLABLE! YOU'RE NOT FUNNY! YOUR ADJECTIVES MAKE NO SENSE! AND OBVIOUSLY, THOSE RAT KIDS ARE NAMED AFTER CARTOON CHARACTERS WHO ARE BEST FRIENDS!!! WHICH ALSO TIES BACK WITH HOW FRIGGIN' LONELY YOU ARE!!!"

"Ew. Stop screaming. You're being that neighbor goose of mine..."

"NO ONE CARES!!!"

"Oh, you spat Jeremy out," said Rat King, as Gabrielle gags. "Well? Give up?" sang Rat King.

Gabrielle squints her eyes. "Didn't I raise a deal you agreed to?"

"Wh-?"

(theme begins at 1:14)

Gabrielle uses Stone Free to punch Narcos' soulless body in the face as his nose bleeds. His blood splatters all over the ground.

"ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA!!!"

"I'M SORRY!!! I'M SORRY!!! I'M SORRY!!! I'M SORRY!!! I'M SORRY!!! I'M SORRY!!! I'M SORRY!!!" yelled Gabrielle.

"WHAT!? WHA WHA WHA WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?" cackled Rat King. "YOU'RE CRAZY! NUTS! YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY NUTS, KID!!! GEEZ! PROBABLY EVEN CRAZIER THAN ME!!! WOW!!! Whoa ho ho ho ho!"

Gabrielle continues to blast Stone Free's fist all over Narcos.

"ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA-!!!"

Suddenly, Narcos pops out of the coin from Rat King's tiny pockets in the sub-pockets in the pockets of his jacket.

*POOF!!!*

(theme ends)

"I can't believe it!" cackled Rat King.

"I believe the deal was that Narcos wouldn't get hurt..." said Gabrielle. "Earlier, I made you promise that Narcos wouldn't get hurt."

"Lmao," said Rat King. "I totes lost track of that fact. HAHAHAHA!!! Now, go home... both of you... and make each other sandwiches... That way... feminism is saved. Pleasure doing business with ya!" Rat King shakes her hand. "I never wash.," he whispered.

"Alright. Fuck you. I'm out of here," said Gabrielle. Gabrielle grabs Narcos' hand.

"Wait. The GPS says-!" yelled Narcos.

"For the last time! The GPS doesn't work in hyperspace pocket dimensions!"

"What about the directions!?"

"FORGET ABOUT THE DIRECTIONS!!!"

The two of them left...

"Yes..." whispered Rat King, staring at them... leaving. "This is the lady. The lady that is meant to destroy the Dark Gems forever... To defeat Tooru... and... her... AHAHAHAHAHA!!!" Rat King turns to you."Remember! Reality is an illusion, the universe is a hologram, buy gold, BYE! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"

Rat King backflips into the dumpster as humping and moaning noises occur.

"GOD!!! I AM IN ETERNAL PAIN!!! WUBBA LUBBA DUB DUB!!!"