Chapter 9: Stay close to me

The days were getting colder though Helena kept warm whenever thinking about Rion. She found consolation in his embrace and the memory of it kept her going. She suspected that her family noticed a change in her yet as usual, they decided not to intervene nor inquire about her affairs. Helena pretended to fulfill her duties and go along with scheduled activities, but whenever she found some time to spare, she tried to sneak to the farm to see Rion.

Her collection of memories kept growing: baking chestnuts together; rolling in the fallen leaves; collecting rowanberries to make a necklace for Rachel. Helena was never out of ideas in his company and she appreciated that he went along with her without protesting much. She could tell that the farm life kept him busy: there was always something to do, yet whenever she came to visit, he would drop everything, and together, they relied on Ari to cover for them.

It was a beautiful sunny October day and Helena felt it could be the last one before the golden autumn was about to turn into a cold and rainy season. She and Rion ventured further than usual and found a crystal clear lake surrounded by old oak trees. In awe, they sat down on the grass and looked at the still water. Helena peeked at Rion: his black hair was falling on his forehead, his straight nose looked as aristocratic as it gets. She felt herself being drawn to his looks although she still liked his personality more than anything else. Caught in the moment, she put her hand over his. He didn't react to her touch and she looked back at the lake.

''Rion, is there anything you would like to receive? I haven't given you anything yet for your birthday''.

''Not really, I am content with my life as it is'' his tone was indifferent. Pouting, she probed further.

''Are you sure? I remember that you told me you wanted to work on inventions, isn't farming life very different from it?''.

''I guess you could put it this way. Sometimes, I am wondering how certain things could be improved. Isn't there a better way to irrigate our fields? How can we ensure that the water stays clean? There are so many questions, but few answers'' she heard the enthusiasm in his voice.

During her visits, Helena heard from Ari that her family was impressed with Rion. He could remember almost anything after hearing it just once. He worked hard and without hesitation: despite still being a child, the horses quickly learned to follow his lead. Helena was proud of him and eager to see him grow; hearing someone compliment him felt like she was being complimented, too. How could she support him in achieving his dreams?

''You're right, Rion. The world is full of mysteries, ready to be unraveled'' she smiled and felt his gaze upon her.

''Yes, that's true. One of these mysteries is why you have chosen to hang out with me and my sister''.

''Isn't it obvious?'' she giggled. ''It's because I like you'' she blushed after blurting it out and felt a strong urge to cover her face. Luckily, Rion didn't seem to mind her reaction.

''I wish my life was this simple, too''.

''What do you mean?'' she felt as if he was taunting her. ''You don't know anything about my life''. Their eyes met and she noticed him frown.

''I apologize, I didn't mean to upset you'' his tone sounded sincere. ''I simply wished to say that I too would like to be able to follow my likes and dislikes''.

''Is this your way of saying that you would not have chosen to spend your time with me?'' Helena clenched her fist.

''I have no idea how you have arrived at this conclusion'' he sighed. ''Elena, you are not a simple messenger girl, are you? I think some of my memories came back'' she immediately forgot about her anger upon hearing this confession. ''It's quite obvious to me that you are someone... important. At least important enough to fix us a job and to visit us whenever you see fit''. She didn't like where it was going.

''Does it matter who my family is? I don't care for such things'' she let go of his hand and put her arms around herself. ''I meant it when I said that I liked you'' she noticed it was easier for her to say it again. ''Is it so wrong of me to show my sympathies?''. He looked at her, pensive.

''Elena, I don't want to trouble you in any way. If your going out of your way to help me and Rachel could put you in trouble... you have to ask yourself if it is worth it''.

''Are you worried about me?'' she couldn't help but get her hopes up.

''I do think you can take care of yourself, but of course, I worry about you every now and then. You are like a younger sister to me''.

''I don't need another brother, Rion'' she was getting upset again. ''And I don't see you like my brother at all'' she got up and patted her clothing, trying to remove dirt from it. ''Let's head back before we get into trouble''. Rion followed her without a protest. Helena felt herself fuming with anger. Wasn't she obvious enough about her feelings? Why didn't he say anything? Her mind was racing and no one of the conclusions that she has reached pleased her. She wasn't beautiful nor interesting; in the end, he was spending time with her because he either felt obliged to do so or had nothing better to do. Who was she to him, really? They didn't talk anymore on their way back and they parted as if nothing has happened.

After their last encounter, Helena felt ashamed of her mood swings. ''He must think I am mentally unwell'' a thought crossed her mind. How weird was it for him to witness her going from feelings of bliss to sudden anger? She worried that he would begin to avoid her, although this didn't seem to be the case: he was treating her the same as before, and they didn't touch upon their last meeting. She also didn't forget about her promise: she wanted him to receive a birthday present from her. Still, what would he appreciate? She pondered about it for a few days and upon seeing Pavel focused on his studies in the library, she came up with a great idea.

''Rion, I have brought you something'' she guided him to the cherry orchard, one of her favorite spots at the farm. She struggled to bring her gift undetected, though fortunately, maids' aprons came in all kinds of sizes. ''Here you go'' his eyes sparkled upon seeing it.

''Elena, I cannot accept it, it must be worth a fortune'' his hands were shaking as he took the book from her and stroked its cover. ''If they find it on me, I will surely be hanged''.

''I heard these words from you before'' Helena winked at him. ''In this case, consider it a loan. Once you have finished reading it, you will simply return it back to me''. Rion looked at the book's back.

''The greatest inventors of ancient times'' he muttered to himself. ''Elena, this is most wonderful, thank you'' for the first time, he saw his wide smile and felt her heart melt. Unable to hold back, she put her arms around him and felt the heavy book between them. She squeezed him with all of her strength.

''Of course, Rion. Happy belated birthday. I am sorry for being late'' he didn't answer nor return her gesture, yet she felt as if his happiness was hers. Was there anything else she could ask for?

During her next visits, she noticed that Rion's eyes started to become redder and redder; he would often rub his eyelids whenever he thought she wasn't paying attention. He looked tired yet she didn't hear him complain about anything. Upon requiring about his condition, he admitted that he would engage in reading mostly at night, once his daily tasks were completed.

''You mustn't do it, Rion, I don't want you to start wearing spectacles''.

''Spectacles? What is it?''

''It's a type of eyewear, meant to correct faulty vision. You are made to wear a metal frame with a pair of glasses in them''.

''Fascinating'' he muttered. ''I have never heard of them''.

''It is a fairly new invention which I have only recently heard about. The doctor who told me about it emphasized taking good care of one's eyes to not develop any vision problems. So, don't read for more than one hour without a break, and make sure that the room is well lit''.

''Since when have you begun to nag at me?'' he laughed.

''Since now'' she pouted and upon seeing his relaxed position, she impulsively leaned on his side. She felt him tense immediately. Helena started to feel bad about touching him: every time, he acknowledged her actions but never reciprocated them. Helena was telling herself to not to get too greedy but found it difficult to resist her urges.

They were sitting in the stable's attic and the hay underneath them was prickling their legs. She couldn't understand why he liked spending time here, although she could appreciate that no one would witness nor interrupt them. His arm felt warm, yet she wanted more. She reached out and squeezed his hand. As usual, he didn't react. A minute passed in silence and she felt her heart grow heavier. Upset, she got up without a word.

''Where are you going? Are you leaving already?'' without answering, she headed towards the ladder. ''Elena!'' he grabbed her hand just before she reached for it, ready to climb down.

''How does it feel?''.

''...What?''.

''Me, ignoring you. Because whenever you ignore my gestures, it feels awful'' she felt a familiar lump forming in her throat. His eyes grew bigger and he looked visibly uncomfortable, but she didn't care. She freed her hand from his grip and waited for his response. He sighed, his hand going through his hair, something he often did when he was upset about something.

''Elena'' he began carefully. ''Aren't we happy, just the way we are?''. She looked at him in surprise.

''Are you... happy? With me?'' the words sounded unfamiliar.

''Yes, very much so'' he carefully grabbed her hands. ''Though I am unable to reciprocate your... gestures''.

''Why not?'' she knew that she wouldn't stop looking for an answer now that he has admitted it. His silence weighed on her. She looked down at their joint hands and raised them a bit. His palms were rough, covered with calluses, so much different from her smooth and pale fingers. She could read them like a book, though the story they were telling wasn't an easy one for her to accept. She grabbed his left hand, her thumb rubbing the middle of his palm as his expression began to change.

''Rion, I like you. I don't care about anything else'' she tried to make her words as gentle as her touch was. She flinched when he suddenly pulled her in closer, his warm breath on her neck.

''This is more than enough'' she tried to understand what he wasn't saying. How could she make him hers? The questions kept piling up yet there was no answer in sight.

Maybe, just for now, she could accept that his heart wasn't easy to be won over. She patted his back gently. She still had time to show him that life without her wasn't an option.