Her Support Group

~~~CAT'S POV~~~

It is finally Saturday meaning I don't have to go to work. I love my job, I love working but it has been too exhausting these past weeks and my new boss has a great contribution to it. But no matter how exhausting it is, I found myself enjoying being around my new boss. It was like I could bear the pain as long as I was standing beside or in front of him. And I especially enjoy watching him work, with all the seriousness on his face except for when he glares or scowls at me.

And I know this is not right because he is my boss, he is cold and harsh towards me and he is or was married with two daughters. I can count a lot of reasons why I should not fantasize about my Boss and that includes my illness. I do not think I should burden anyone with my condition. That is just so unfair to them.

Then I thought, maybe it is alright as long as my boss or his wife will not find out about it. Oh, right! Aenid said that they don't have a mother. But does that mean my boss doesn't have a wife? Up until now, I haven't dared to inquire what she meant by 'they don't have a mother.'

This is just an infatuation. It's not as if I would like to be in a relationship with my boss. That is impossible. I tried to convince myself.

A couple of days ago, my boss told me to take his daughters to school and then pick them up after. Once was alright but then he said that his daughters liked me and that I should be doing it until he found a Nanny. And it's been one week, he hasn't found a Nanny.

I was surprised when he said that his daughters like me though I like them as well.

Throughout the week, that is my routine. Instead of going to work first thing in the morning, I am picked up by a driver to take the kids to school. Then I will leave work one hour earlier than everyone to pick them up. My boss said that I don't have to go to work earlier or work overtime. Which I thought was kind of considerate of him knowing I am doing something for him that is definitely out of my job description.

Anyways, I enjoy the company of his daughters. And I am afraid that I am getting more and more attached to them.

After picking them up, I will stay a couple of minutes with them to talk about school and Faye's school anxiety until before I know that my boss is coming home. I don't want him to see me inside his house though I know that he is aware that his daughters were insisting that I stay with them for a couple of minutes.

I know that he visits and tucks them at night and that he is asking them about what they did the whole day and I thought that it was so sweet of him. I have a feeling that Aenid and Faye were talking about me to him.

Yesterday, Aenid told me that their father promised to take them to an amusement park. I hoped that he fulfilled his promise because I would feel bad for the kids if he didn't. And I will be angry at him, though I will not show it to him.

Aenid and Faye insist that I come with them and that they would love it if I could but unfortunately, I cannot. It would be awkward and not right if I tagged along with them. It is a family outing and I am an outcast.

And besides, I have somewhere to be today. After a couple of months of trying to convince me, Alvin finally succeeded. And now, here I am, sitting on a red stool in front of seven more women. We were sitting in a circle.

Alvin told me that I needed this because my condition can be lonely and depressing. I have to remain socially inclined and be around people. Not that I am not, I mean, unlike others who have the same condition as mine, I still have my job. My job keeps me busy and surrounded by different kinds of people.

Yes, it is exhausting but at least I am not lonely. I have Grace, Aunt Molly, and him. And now, my Boss's daughters are keeping me occupied. Not to mention, my boss has been keeping me preoccupied as well.

But Alvin said that it is still different to have few people around me who understand what it is like to be in pain or exhausted all the time. Then I thought, maybe I should try talking to people with the same illness as mine.

"I quit my job because I was afraid that I couldn't do it. I stayed at home but even doing house chores makes me afraid that I might overexert myself. I was afraid to carry my then two-year-old daughter because I was afraid that the pain would attack while I was holding her and I might drop her."

The woman on my left started to share her experience. I know her name is Joy, she is 40 years old and married with three children. She was diagnosed when she was 35 years old.

"One moment I feel great that I am in the mood to do what I normally do then after a while I am in too much pain. It made me think, is it worth it, to take a risk? Maybe I should not. Maybe I should just stay at home and wait until my time comes." Joy continued and it made me look at her intently as she continued how she struggles between trying to live a normal life and depression.

"I even thought of ending my life but then, I decided to just live and not worry." Joy continued and her words made me clench my fist. If Joy could do it, why can't my mother? Why didn't she just decide to live and not worry? Is it that hard?

I've seen my mother fight with her illness for years, I've seen her fight depression. She was smiling, she was joking, she was happy. She has a job, a life, and she has me. And yet, she still chooses to end her life. I still blame myself until now. If I had only spent more time with her, maybe I might've seen the clues, the warning signs. I didn't. And I lost her.

"When did you find out about your illness?" I heard the woman in front of me ask, making me snap back to reality. If I remember correctly, her name is Mary, she is 50 years old and has been living with the same illness for 10 years now. And she has been in this support group for five years now.

"Last year," I replied timidly. I am usually confident when talking to people, that's my job. Well except when talking to my boss. He has a way to make me feel weak and lost. But this is my first time talking about my illness with other people than Alvin. And it made me uncomfortable.

"You are still young. If you have noticed, you are the youngest here. It is rare to hear of this illness at your age. Are you married?" She asked me and I immediately shook my head.

"Any boyfriend?" She asked again and I immediately blushed. The image of my boss instantly flashed in my mind. Damn!

I noticed that the women in front of me looked at each other. Then Mary speaks again. "I don't know if it's a good thing but, based on research and experience as well, married people that are diagnosed with this condition are more likely to be depressed and have a higher level of pain. They suffer from anger and marital instability ending up in divorce."

A look of surprise flashed on my face. "Are you all..." I trailed not wanting to say the word worried that I might offend them or make them sad. But they just all smiled at me and shook their heads. I sighed in relief.

"No, darling. Fortunately, we are not. Though there are some here that are already divorced even before they came while some are on the verge of getting a divorce." The woman named Jenny said. She seemed to be the eldest among us with her salt and pepper hair and fine lines.

"That is the reason why this support group exists." Joy said with a smile patting my hand. "This group makes us feel less lonely and isolated. It helps us gain self-empowerment and control of our illness instead of the other way around. We are helping each other to cope and adjust to our illness so that we can live normally."

"In here, we can talk openly and honestly about our feelings without the fear of being judged. It helps greatly with depression and anxiety. We feel less fatigued as well because we can laugh without worrying." Another woman whom I forgot her name said.

Sitting among these women made me realize that our illness differs for each person. While I managed to cope well with my symptoms, others were finding it hard. It made me feel thankful that at least I am still able to work while for others, it was impossible even to do simple house chores.

"I am sure you already got first-hand information about our illness from Alvin." I heard Mary say and I looked at her. It felt surreal to be hearing 'our illness' instead of 'my illness'. It gave me the sense that I belong here.

I nod with a smile. "Yes, he did." Alvin is a volunteer for this group. He gives information, practical advice, and treatment options.

Before I left the place Jenny gave me a piece of advice that kept me occupied until I reached my apartment. She said, "You are young. Do not be afraid to fall in love. And when you do, be open and honest with him. If he truly loves you, you might be surprised that he is the first one to take the initiative in seeking treatment options for you. And when it comes to sex, don't worry, I could teach you a couple of positions that will make it pleasurable instead of painful."

I cannot believe that Jenny who is almost 70 years old just winked at me after talking about sex positions casually. I swear, until now, my face is still flushed red in embarrassment.