33: Being Human

I stood atop the stairs and looked down at the girl struggling to walk up.

"Come on! Have you ever been upstairs? Don't you work in an office on the 10th floor?" I jokingly slip in.

"I use an elevator, thank you very much!" She said in a sharp manner.

"Whatever, taking the stairs will help move all that food you just ate. Now come on, I wanna show you my place!" I say as she reaches about halfway.

"Fine! Just know, I am NEVER taking these steps again. I mean seriously Nick, who makes their girlfriend climb up 5 flights of stairs after a date?" She took a long sigh upon reaching the top and waited for me to open the door.

"Ta-da!" I swung open the door to my fifth story apartment. It had a magnificent view. Upon opening the door, a large glass window is visible– taking up the entire wall directly across from the door. A large couch with black knit fabric was placed near the middle of the main room. Along the wall without glass was a large tv set with a movie shelf that was seemingly empty. Adjacent to that was the wall in which the door was on, which had a bookshelf and a few paintings– all of which were made by me. On the bookshelf there were a few books I enjoyed, I had titles like 'The Catcher in the Rye' by J.D. Salinger, and a short story I read called 'Amongst the Mist' by Chrystian Harry. Behind the couch was a complete kitchen, and behind the kitchen wall was the bedroom.

"Wow, Nick this is… wow. Ho-How did you even afford a place like this? You're only 20. I mean, you haven't even graduated."

"Well, that's an easy answer, Carly. I budget!" I laughed.

"Still, I mean this place must be at least 5k a month!"

I chuckled and said, "Man, your parents must still be funding you. This place is only like 2.5k a month. I'm trying to get someone to move into the guest bedroom so I can cut that down to 1.25."

She made a thinking sound and then clasped her hands together.

"H-how about I move in."

"What? You kinda trailed off…"

"I said– well– what about me?"

"What do you mean, 'what about me?'" I joke.

"Jeez! I mean… Nick," She clasped her hand around mine and my face turned rose, "Can… Can I move in with you?"

My mouth hung open in shock.

"Well… aren't you going to say anything? I mean… you know I can afford it, I am a model. I am able to pay for it…I could probably even put it down first and last month. I mean, I'm fine with you saying no… we've only been together a little under a year now and–"

"Yes."

"Yes?" She said shocked.

"Yes!" I wrapped my arms around her.

"Nick! I– Thank you!"

"No, I…"

Carly grabbed my face and kissed me before wrapping my hand around her waist and dragging me to the window.

"This city… It really is something." She said, almost as if asking for reassurance.

"Yeah… it is."

[2 Years Later]

* * *

Carly's Birthday

"Happy birthday to you," I walked around the corner of the kitchen entrance holding a large cake with a large red "23" candle on the top. "Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday– Dear Carly. Happy birthday, to you."

I walked over to her and wrapped my arms around her placing my head on her shoulder.

"Make a wish." I whispered in her ears.

A few seconds passed and then she blew out the candles, turned her head and then kissed me on the cheek.

"Thanks Nicky!"

"Happy 23rd Carly!"

"So, if you're wishing me such a big birthday does this mean something special is gonna happen? Do I need to get my nails done?"

"Hmmm… I wonder. I guess you're just going to keep waiting. Either way, after you finish your slice of cake we can go out for our date."

"Isn't cake before dinner a little weird?"

"What! You're the one who said you wanted to do it in this order…"

"I know. I just wanted to see your face– it was so worth it!"

* * *

A little later we went downtown for our date. We went to an expensive restaurant. I saved money from my last 3 paychecks to afford and then we took a taxi to the lake. We walked along the boardwalk and talked about the last 4 years of our relationship. I fiddled with my hands, taking them in and out of my pockets. She walked over to the edge of the boardwalk and a breeze hit the underside of her coat, which reached her knees. Her hair blew in the wind beautifully and the shine of the moon was reflected on the hair clip I got her for our first anniversary. The water was clean where we were– surprisingly. It glistened and crashed against the boardwalk.

"Carly!" I yelled, demanding attention.

"Y-yes?" She seemed startled. The wind still blew in her hair, and I heard the water splashing mixed with the ambient Chicago streets. It was late enough that the noise didn't bleed into the lake, but there were still cars driving.

"Carly… I've known you for so long. Years. Since we were kids! I… I know I've said this already but, Happy Birthday. I love you. I… I want to thank you for still caring about me after all this time. So, I…"

"Yes? I love you too." She seemed confused.

I dropped to one knee and pulled a small red box out of my pocket. I cracked open the box to reveal a gold engagement band. It had a small diamond.

"Carly, I love you. Will you marry me? I know this might be a little sudden and it's also not the best ring, I mean the diamond isn't massive. I mean, it cost me like 3k but it's fine if you–"

"Yes!" She interrupted.

"Wait what?"

"Yes! Yes, I'll marry you."

She jumped into my hands, and I started laughing.

"Why are you laughing?" She said teary eyed.

"I'm just really happy you said yes," I wiped a few tears from my eyes, "That and, I think i just realized what you meant all those years ago. You were right Carly. Back then, I didn't love you– I barely knew you. But now… now I can say with my entire heart. I love you. I love you so much. More than anything. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Forever."

She chuckled a little bit.

"Was that on your mind all these years?" She asked jokingly.

"More or less."

We both ended up laughing for a while together as we sat on the edge of the boardwalk holding hands. Our rings and fingers intertwined, glistening in the moonlight.

[2 Years Later]

* * *

The James Household

"Up, up, up, up, up! Yay! Who's a good girl? You are! You are!"

I poked my daughter's nose and then placed her down on the bed. I started to tie her shoes.

"Daddy's got to go to work today, so he's going to drop you off with Uncle Marc! Does that sound fun?"

She cooed and grabbed my finger.

"It seems like daddy's going to be late to work if he doesn't leave soon." Carly says walking in with a coffee mug.

"Tell me why I have to work again?" I ask.

"To support your beautiful wife and your toddler daughter. Now come here!"

I walked up to her with my daughter in my arms.

"Okay, now have a good day with Marc, okay Emily? Mhm, momma will see you when she gets back from work." She kissed us both on the forehead and then started to send us on our way.

"Wait, aren't you still on maternity leave?"

"Nope, they only gave me 12 months at the agency. They want me to start a workout treatment to make me lose my baby lumps so I can get back to mainstream modeling. Meanwhile, they have me lined up to do some maternity clothes shoots. Anyways, no. I can no longer stay at home all day."

"What! But I get off at 3 which means Emily and I will be home alone for like 4 hours until you get home. What if she needs to eat or something?"

"There are bottles in the fridge. And she can eat basic foods, she's a year old. Now go! You're gonna be late for your first day as a professor. You might have skipped class in college, but you can't do that when you're the one teaching the class."

"Fine! Love you!" I kissed her and left the house, putting Emily in the car seat and started to drive off.

I no longer lived in the city, opting to move to a suburb upstate closer to the cleaner part of the lake. Surprisingly, Marc had also moved there after college and set up his family only 10 minutes from where me and Carly moved in. Upon arrival, I knocked on their door hearing barking and running. Suddenly a woman opened the door and greeted me.

"Hi Nate!" She looked down at the little girl standing next to me holding onto my hand. "And this must be little Emily! Oh my, you are cute. How did you come from Nate?"

"Hello to you too, Hailey. I can't stay long; I've got a class to teach at 9:30."

"Oh right! You teach at the college in the town over, right?"

"Yep! That gives me about 10 minutes to sit and talk."

"Oh, come in, come in. Make yourself at home."

I walked past Hailey, sitting down on the couch in what seemed to be the living room. I placed Emily's bag on the chair near the front door and seated her next to me.

"So, Hailey, how was the honeymoon?"

"Well, as you know, we got married a few months ago, so we came back about a month ago, but it was good. We went on a trip to Hawaii for a week. Marc's family helped pay for it. To be honest, I'm surprised any of them even came to the wedding. Illinois is almost a 3-hour drive from Yorkwork."

"Yeah, well Marc's family is pretty passionate. A lot of them made the flight to our wedding as well."

"Yeah… that's one way to put it. Oh, speaking of Marc, I told him you got here. I don't know why he hasn't come down yet…"

Suddenly I felt the hairs on my neck stand up as if I had a sixth sense and whipped my head around to see Marc. There he was, 25, newlywed, a businessman.

"Marc, why are you sneaking up on me? You are almost 30 years old." He winced in pain, as if I shot him in the kneecap with those words.

"Hey! You're old too! Plus, you have a kid look at her–" He looked at Emily and instantly melted into a teddy bear. "She's adorable!! Did you adopt her? Are you sure she's yours?"

I groaned in anger. "For the last time, yes she is mine."

"Well, I'm glad you trusted Hailey and I enough to take care of your daughter for the day. How's the wife? Enjoying life as young parents?"

"I don't trust you," I say spitefully, "You're just cheaper than a daycare and since me and Carly have both been in between jobs, money got tight."

"It's actually 'Carly and I'" Hailey interrupts me.

"Okay English teacher." I responded. "Anyways, yeah. Carly is good. She's finally going back to modeling since her maternity leave ended. Life as a dad has been… interesting. She's finally started walking and she can eat normal foods now, but make sure to cut them up into little bites for her, okay? I just checked the time and shi– I mean, shoot, I'm going to be late for work. If anything happens, try to tell me. I'll get there as soon as I can, and Carly is at work in the city so she probably cannot make it in time."

"Well, it was good to see you!" Hailey says.

"Yeah, be on your way Professor James. I'll take good care of her." Marc says while giving me a hit on the back, slightly wrinkling my suit jacket.

"Okay well, bye! Thanks a lot, guys."

"Bye dada!" I hear Emily say so I grab her hands.

"Bye Emily! I love you." I say kissing her forehead.

"I wuv you dada!"

As I drove away in my car, I had a large smile on my face. I love being a father.

[16 Years Later]

* * *

The James Household

"Emily! Come down! I want to see you!" I yell upstairs.

I see her step down one stair at a time, being assisted by her mother. Her long baby blue dress sparkles, having a glittery overcoat.

"I– No, you can't go. My little girl's all grown up!"

"Dad! I'm 17. Stop trying to embarrass me in front of my boyfriend."

"Sorry honey. You just look a lot like your mother used to. You're so beautiful."

"I agree, Emily. You look stunning." Carly says adjusting a lock of Emily's hair that was hanging over her face.

I wonder… what would it have been like if she went to prom….

"Dad, can we just take the pictures so I can go to the dance?"

"Of course…" I looked at her, smiling as the notion that my youth had finally fleeted settled in, "Say 'Cheese!'"

"Cheese!" They yelled in unison.

I looked at the picture I now had on my phone. My wife. My daughter. Her boyfriend. It reminded me of the picture I never got to take.

I felt a tear rolling down my cheek as my beard absorbed it. I suddenly felt a hand wipe the corner of my eye. It was Carly.

"Why do you look so sad?"

Why do you look so sad?

I got flashbacks of that day in middle school.

"Nothing… Just happy we'll have the house all to ourselves once she goes off to college." I forced a laugh and smile while Emily's boyfriend shakes my hand and heads out of the house with Emily.

As I spent the night in my office, awaiting Emily's return. I looked out the window behind the canvas that was sitting on my easel. My office was in the front of the house, right next to the front door. As I stared out of my large window holding my paint brush, I heard steps behind me.

"What are you doing? Painting?"

"I wonder… What am I doing?"

Carly walked behind me and wrapped her arms around me.

"You're a great father Nick."

"Why am I so sad seeing Emily leave. I don't want her to go. I don't want to lose her."

My eyes welled up and my voice choked.

"It's because you love her. She's your daughter. You spent almost 18 years caring for her. To just hand her off– to let her into the world. To let some other man take her after you spent all that time with her… caring for her. That's something every father has to deal with– but guess what."

"What?"

"They always get over it. Do you know why?"

"Why?" I wiped my nose and eyes.

"Because no matter what, she will always be your daughter. She loves you Nate. Emily won't forget her dad just because she leaves home. She has always had you around, loving her. I'm sure… I'm sure she will be fine."

I felt her wrap her arms even tighter behind me as she pressed her face into the back of my shirt.

"I love you."

"I love you too, Nate."

"Is my shirt, okay?"

"Yeah, you might just want to clean it when I'm done. My mascara is running."

I put my hand back over my shoulder and held down Carly's head as we cried together while she used my shirt as a tissue.

[40 Years Later]

* * *

The Hospital

"The heart is one of the most important parts of a human– only second to the brain. While they are often associated together, the heart does not have a thing to do with love. Even then– humans still continue to associate them. Why is that? Why is it… that you, as a child, drew heart when referencing love? If we were being accurate, we would actually draw the brain with a chemical compound for Phenylethylamine– PEA for short. So, what is it about this muscle with chambers that sits in the cavity that is our chest that makes us think of love? The sensation of love. When a person is in love, they change. They change mentally, but also physically. Their hearts change. When with someone they love, a person's heart can actually race, even without performing any physical activity warranting that reaction. So, what makes a person's heart race? I was once told… by a close friend of mine… that when they first met me, far before I met them, that their heart raced. She, uh… she was the first person I loved. She had a heart condition. Arrhythmia. She was being treated for it, and she passed. She passed on when I was 17. I wondered for a very long time– months, spent in my room, just thinking. Every second of the day, I could only think of one thing. Emma. I hated… that I fell in love with Emma. My reason being, if I never did, she never would have died. I killed Emma. But… I also saved Emma.

It took me a long time to cope with this and finally understand what it meant when she said I saved her. It was indirect– an inferred message. A message that told me, I was the one who caused it– who caused her hurt, her suffering, her death! But I was also the one who allowed her to live. Live through the hard times, and the rough nights. I was the one who made her heart race. I was the reason she woke up in the morning. The reason she decided to get that surgery was simple. She wanted to spend her life with me. So, she spent her life, so that I could live one of my own. I lay here today, in a hospital gown. I am in the same position as Emma, the position she died. And now, as I grow older, I've finished it. I've made a life. Everything I needed to do has been done. Everything I wanted to see; I have seen. Everyone I could meet, I met. I was able to find love. I was able to give and receive love. I was able to live. I was able to laugh. I was able to smile. I was able to frown. I was able to cry. But no matter how I felt about it, because of Emma's sacrifice– I got to live.

I'll never forget her for that."

The plug was pulled out of my machine.

As the motor whirred down and slowed a faint hissing was heard.

My labored breaths created a cloud of heat above my face.

As my family scuffled around me, the sound slowly dissolved leaving a faint ringing and then silence.

I took a breath in and released it.

I took a breath in and released it.

I took a breath and released it.

I took a breath and released it.

I took a breath.