6. THE STRUGGLE

'' Sometimes, all you can do is sigh''.

Mama's death hit my abdomen with a blow like that of a jackhammer, ripping me completely apart. Her existence seemed soo solid that I took her for granted and now, words are not enough to describe how miserable I am feeling. For days, weeks and months I could not comprehend what had happened and I kept thinking 'Was it a coincidence? An accident? Or her ill fated destiny to pass away this horribly?'. I lost the ability to sleep, because whenever I closed my eyes, all I could see was Mama's pain twisted lifeless face. Her funeral was short and simple, well, there was no use spending more time around someone who is as dead as the inanimate objects around us. I sat quietly between my brothers as usual and they were just as quiet. As it stands, we were now orphans and so we shed silent tears but our silence was deafening. People looked at us with pity and surprise, surprise of our calmness which was bizarre . But who goes around cheering and bouncing like a pumped football at a beloved's funeral? 'Humph, not even a murderer.' I thought, shaking my head. By the thought of murderer, I was once again reminded of the one who caused Mama's painful dismissal. I know people are blaming that pig who was rotting away in jail for murder of Mama and attempted rape and murder of me. But deep down in my heart, stitched into my brain, I knew I was the real murder here. Had Papa been content with his two boys, had he not strive for a girl child, had I not been born pretty, like all this would not have happened. Why, oh why? God, who did I offend? Who did we offend?

''Mama''. I called. ''I need soap''. But there was no reply. ''Oh''. I said, slapping myself. ''I forgot she is no more''. I sighed. It has been a year since she passed away in misery but these random calling for her is still persistent even amongst my brothers. But can you blame us? We find solace in just the mentioning of her name. Even though she was not the best when it came to parenting, she was all we had and she was more than enough. Well, to be honest, I sometimes wished she had died instead of Papa, this I voiced out once to her out of fury. Now I know some wishes do come true, not only did she die, but she died because of me. I had already cried my eyes out and was out of tears for the moment, but deep within me, I continued to shed tearless tears. ''Yo, kiddo, I am off to work''. Joe said hugging me tight and kissing my hair. ''Be safe out there bro''. I said, forcing a smile. He waved me good bye and left. I yawned and sat down, rubbing my tired face. '' Hi dear, did Joe just leave for work?'' Jay asked coming into the living room. Joe and Jay moved to Mama's room after her funeral just to give me some privacy. Though I begged and begged, they insisted that I have a room to myself since I was no longer a child. Just to make them happy, I pretended to be pleased, cheerful and even helped them pack, but deep down, I was clawing my eyes out at the nightmares that awaited me. ''Yes, he did''. I replied with a yawn. ''But he came back late last night and he is already leaving this early?''. Jay asked, perplexed. ''Yeah, I was just thinking about that''. I said yawning again. ''What is with you and yawning nowadays? You always look tired even though you claim to have slept the whole night''. He said, making emphasis on the 'claim'. I rolled my eyes and yawned again. ''I am fine really''. I closed my eyes for a second but it flew open just as fast as I saw her face again. 'Jeez, get a grip on yourself' I thought out loud. ''Yeah, you should dear. You look like a zombie. Are you trying to ruin your Hollywood face? Or are you trying to drop dead from exhaustion?'' He asked, looking at me weirdly. 'Yep, that is the plan and I hope it works'. I thought again. ''Excuse me?'' Jay asked. ''Did I say it out loud?'' I asked, wide eyed. ''Yes, you did. Is there something bothering you? You know you can always confine in me right? I am your big little brother''. He said, making reference to the time I called him my 'big little brother' because of a sausage and an ice cream. ''Come here''. He said so I smiled, stood up, stretched and went to him. I looked at him for a minute, at the genuine concern in his eyes and hugged him. He wrapped his arms around me without hesitation and we stood like that for a minute. ''I am afraid to close my eyes because of the horrifying dreams, the nightmares. No matter how hard I try, I just can not sleep''. I mumbled against his chest. He just kept smoothing my hair sighed and asked ''For how long has this been going on?'' ''From the very day after the incident. It was a little manageable at first but, it got worse when you guys moved to Mama's room''. I replied softly. He sucked in his breath, shocked. ''For that long?'' He enquired, looking at me within an arms reach. I could not reply because I felt my tears box was full so I just poured it all out. I sobbed like a hungry baby, hungry for its mother's milk. He sat sown and placed me on his laps with my legs on either side of his thighs and wrapped his arms around me again, calming me down with words of assurance. I calmed down after a while and he stood up with my legs around him and his arms around me, walked us to my room. He placed me down on the bed with the new sheets, I threw the old ones away after the incident, I just could not be breathing in the bastard's sweat. He laid beside me and covered us with the blanket, cuddling me. I tried to protest because he was going to miss work because of me again but he just brushed my worries away. '' I will just tell my boss I was down with flu. Half the workers got it already so he would believe me. And besides, to me, you are worth more than than all the money on this earth. Just close your eyes and sleep and don't let the bugs bite.'' He whispered. I took in a deep breath and relaxed. I liked the warmth his body provided and how how his heart beats against my back. I closed my eyes and for the first time in a long time, I saw only darkness, no pain twisted lifeless face, so I embraced it and before I knew, I was asleep in seconds.

🎇🎇🎇

''You are what?'' Jay and I asked in unison. ''I am leaving. I am going far away'' . Joe repeated his statement, strapping his bag pack. ''But you can not leave us now, bro. We are all we have got and leaving us would mean breaking ties with us but we have lost two people already and we are not ready to loose you too''. Jay pleaded. But Joe just sighed, looked at us and said, '' I know you would probably not understand this, because it came up soo soon, but I need to go out there and make a living for myself. You two, though are my siblings and I love you both, are very clingy and I can not have you trailing behind me forever. Honestly, with you guys on my tail, I feel suffocated . You two are a burden I am not ready to carry so you would have to be ready to defend yourselves because I won't be around to clean up the mess you create anymore.'' He said then proceeded to walk away but I ran to him and held onto his leg, crying for him to stay. '' Please bro, I can not watch you leave too. You are more or less like a father to us now and I can't bear to loose another parent. Please do not go. Please''. He stood there for a minute and looked at my wet face with determination. '' I have already made up my mind. I am sorry kiddo, take care.'' And with that, he removed my bony fingers of his leg and was out the door in seconds. I fell to the floor and wept painfully. I heard Jay sniffed, sighed and came to kneel beside me and rubbed my back affectionately to calm me down and with his index finger, he pulled my face up to look at me, I tried to avoid his gaze but he continued to look at me till I finally gave in. He looked me in his eyes and said, ''I am here for you okay? I can not promise you a better tomorrow, but as long as I am in your life, I can promise you a peaceful today. I am never going to leave you because we are family and real blood do not quit on each other. So wipe your tears and trust me. I got you honey and I love you very much. Always have and always will till I breath my last''. A silent tear fell from his eyes. I hugged him passionately but with a little force which pushed him to the ground with me on top of him. We looked at each other dumbly for a while and then we burst out laughing. I rolled off him but we continued to laugh. Laughing through our tears, laughing away our worries, laughing away our pain and laughing because we have each other and with each other, there is hope. So we continued to laugh and as we finally settled down, I felt a sharp pain in my chest and I knew without being told that something horrible was about to happen, again.