Terrain of Conscience II

Seol has never known Lady Noh not to have a scathing remark for what she considered as an impropriety. However, as the old court lady leads her back to her rooms, through a less used servant's passage inside the spring pavilion, she makes no comment on Seol's intruding presence. Her retinue is gone. Her chambers are glaringly empty. Seol drags in a breath.

"Please tell me they are alright?"

Lady Noh adjusts her collar, leads her inside with a hand gesture.

"They've been sent home, compensated for their services," she says briskly. "If one turns out to be a bad egg - there is no trusting the rest. Until they are replaced, I shall attend to you Mama," she says with a brief bow. "And you will have junior court lady Min Ha by your side."

Seol exhales a breath she had not realized she was holding. She would have felt adrift without a single familiar face and Min Ha had been the closest constant companion since both of them had been ten. But, Seol swallows the question, not wanting to know why from all her ladies one single Min Ha remains trustworthy.

"And mama," Lady Noh continues, shuffling through her chests of clothes. "If your highness intends to join General Kang and his highness the third prince - I dare advise your highness to dress warmly."

"Yul?" Seol watches as lady Noh browses through her cloaks and picks out one with a fox fur collar, her eyes narrowing at the detail. "Are we going with Yul?"

Lady Noh pauses for a moment, bites her lip and holds out the cloak. "Min Ha, take this and steam it - mama, will be wearing this in the evening."

Seol hadn't noticed when the younger court lady had walked in. Min Ha bobs a curtsy to Seol and bows towards Lady Noh, taking the cloak and draping it over her arm. "If you sit here Mama -" Lady Noh offers. "I will comb your hair for you."

As Min Ha leaves with the cloak draped over her arm Seol mutely complies by sitting in front of the polished bronze mirror. Lady Noh untucks the few pins holding up her hair with great care. Hair thick and dark cascades down to her shoulders and flows along her back. Gently, lady Noh begins to comb.

"Your hair reminds me of your lady mother, mama," she says as she brushes. "Such lovely hair - her braids were strikingly thick."

Seol chokes on a sob that comes uninvited. The older court lady had formed a core part of her childhood that her gentle ministrations offer such familiar comfort and unlocks an ache building up in her chest. Her shoulders begin to shake as she ducks her head, finally allowing the tears to fall.

"Mama…" Lady Noh rabs a hand down her spine, her voice tender. "Hush, hush…"

"I caused someone's death - Noh Sunggun," Seol says between sobs. "And this - this isn't the first time…" finally, she speaks out loud the thought that had been pricking at her since that moment at court. The old memory evoked by that dead minister's empty eyes finally laid bare. "Now - another family is going to hate me the same way Grand Princess Nakrang does."

"Oh darling -" Lady Noh embraces her, and Seol buries her head against the old lady's soft bosom, heaving as she tries to catch her breath. "You are not to be blamed - no, of course not!"

"And everytime Kang Seo ends up shouldering blame he has nothing to do with -" her voice is muffled as she continues. "Just as with the Silla people - I - I don't want him to end up hating me. I - I wouldn't be able to bear it -"

Lady Noh pats her head, but doesn't reply immediately. Instead she drags in an inhale, heavy with unspoken disapproval.

"General Kang is a man of wind and dust, mama," she says in the end, her voice full of meaning. Seol pulls away and stares up at her, her face losing the little color it had. Lady Noh purses her lips. "I shouldn't speak of this. But your highness should know. It is a life that has its own burden. To live so close to Seonggol* but not to give into the temptation of forging more than connections of loyalty. His life belongs to his imperial majesty. What your highness may perceive as kindness or even affection on his part is merely his duty towards the imperial household mama. Do not let your heart be swayed by it."

Seol shakes her head slowly.

"And your destiny is elsewhere Mama. It would be cruel for you to forget that."

"Would you rather I give up myself to a family that has hated me for a decade - Noh Sunggun?" Her voice is small, her fear seeping into it. "You think I have a life in Silla?"

"You wouldn't be sent to Silla until his majesty is certain of your safety there - mama," Lady Noh protests gently. "In the meantime, giving into your youthful fantasies would only ruin a good man's life."

*

Your youthful fantasies would only ruin a good man's life…

Lady Noh's words refuse to leave her conscience as Seo hands her into the carriage. Min Ha sits inside with her, looking rather displeased to leave the palace in favor of muddy streets after a recent rain.

"Where are we going?" She asks him, noticing Yul who was already astride his stallion, ready with an accompanying attendant for the journey.

"You'll see, mama," is all the answer he offers.

Instead, Seol lifts the carved wooden coach shutters to watch him mount Bi - the giant gray mare named after grayish rains of Shinju. His hands run along the silvery mane for a while, whispering to the mare as the creature brings her wet nose to nudge his cheek. Yul, who had an affinity with horses, watches with barely concealed jealousy. If one did not know better, it seemed as if Kang Seo could talk to his mount, as easily as he had conversed with the guards accompanying them.

He rides as if he is riding to battle, straight backed and determined. Bow and arrows slung over his shoulder and the emperor's sword hanging from his hip. Bi seems to know where they are heading since Seo barely holds her reins.

Their destination it seems is the Deabi Won, or the house of mercy established closest to the capital.

"The third prince is interested in medicine," Min Ha informs a clueless Seol. "Since mercy houses don't generate profit, not a lot of people want to be associated with them. They value volunteers. And this particular one has the patronage of imperial physician Jae Eul - he hasn't accepted a student in decades."

Seol is happy for Yul, who immediately deserts them in favor of finding his master. But she looks around curiously, wondering why Seo had wanted to bring her in there. Seo joins them after a moment, releasing Min Ha from the burden of blankets that she carries, and gesturing to her to follow him.

They enter the soldier house, currently occupied by men injured following the clashes of the south. Men, she realizes who had fought alongside Seo. The air inside is putrid, strongly scented with herb oils and rotting flesh. Some women sit beside their ailing husbands, bandaging or wiping their brows. A physician is examining a heavily injured man - as an attendant beside him reveals bloodied bandages.

Yul and his master are nowhere to be seen.

"None of them would come out of the winter alive," Seo lowers his voice as her eyes take in the scene. "All they could do is ease their last days."

Seol takes in the scene of women tending to their men with a refined perspective. She finds the same knowledge etched in their faces. Their expressions are weary, defeated - their eyes helpless.

"Which is why mid council thinks it a waste to allocate funds for medicine and labor that would not ultimately go to waste on these men. Instead they bring their wives and children from all over the land to sit by and watch as men larger than life go to waste before them."

Slowly, understanding dawns upon her. Seo walks away, relieves a taxed looking attendant of a bowl of poultice and sits by a moaning man, gentle fingers undoing the bindings of planks tied to his leg. Seol joins him, ignoring the stench of infected wounds that had repelled Min Ha from joining her. She takes the bowl from his hands. For a moment Seo is startled that he allows the bowl to be taken. He shakes his head and continues to tend to the bound leg, now moving to remove bandages seeped in a blackened liquid.

The man's entire face is bloated, one side of his face ruined by a burn that had left flesh exposed to rot and his eyes swollen shut. His lashes flutter and he moans from the back of his throat.

"He saved my life once in the field," Seo's voice is faint and full of melancholy. Seol hastily finds and fetches new bandages for him. She couldn't help her eyes from darting towards the man again.

"Why is he alone?" She asks.

Seo dabs his fingers in the poultice and applies them on the wounds, his face void of judgment or disgust.

"He is the last of his family." Something tightens in her throat and Seol blinks. Seo looks up at her. "It is a good thing, he breaks no hearts when he leaves. It isn't a privilege everyone has." He begins to rewrap the bandages.

"You'd never know who holds you in their hearts Kang Seo," Seol couldn't help the words as they spilled from her lips. She drops her gaze, daunted by the look in those silver eyes.

"Sometimes, it's easier not to know - mama."

*