Attempts for Survival

"Am I that early?" I asked myself in a whisper. I'm inside the church. It's now nine in the morning and not a hint of my groom is in sight.

Rico said that, I mean, Lance phoned me yesterday and said that Rico asked him to tell me that he wanted to meet me here at 8:30. I already came in late and it's not like Rico to be tardy.

With a huge sigh, I just decided to take a tour around the church since it has been a long time since I last touched the piano upstairs. Taking my time, I took every step gradually, each touch on the same old floor we used to run upon and chase each other sneakily. The cream walls seem to remember our giggles from before. The iron stairs seems like it's new, when in truth, it was just newly painted because I saw the same bent it has before.

Upstairs, where the piano still rests beside the large church window emanates the same conspicuous aura around it.

The church was renovated a little, but some things just seem to stay the same. The piano, the memories, and as much as I want to deny it, Lance and seem to be stuck in the same old place, same old time and feelings. With a sad smile, I traced the way to the piano, caressed the keys, pressed it one by one, the same old thing I used to do.

I know what was coming, I've already seen it, especially when my heart begun to beat like crazy. Instead of neglecting it, I did the opposite. It's not troublesome since I am the only one here. Just this once, I'll let my real feeling show itself, for the sake of my sanity.

I closed my eyes and let my hands wander, to run over its one true home once again.

"I can't seem to do it Lance…" I stuck my bottom lip out, frustrated. I was practicing "runaway" but I just couldn't get it right. We are in the church, with Lance staring at me with anticipation. He let out a huge sigh but smiled.

"Okay… I'll guide your hands first…" he approached me and placed his hands on both of mine. Pigeons seem to fly inside my heart when our bodies touched. I can feel his warm breath tickling my right ear. My own breath came out in shallow puffs, hyperventilating.

"Hey, focus…" he whispered and started to move my hands along the keys. Easy for him to say! But I complied anyway.

The music seems to blend with my mood, blissful. The notes flowed easily and magnificently. It was perfect; everything is perfect when he is with me.

Our hands moved in synch, beautifully carved as one. When the song finally ended, I opened my eyes and glanced up, only to see his happy smile.

"See? You're great when you put your heart on it…" he rejoiced and kissed my cheek. Of course I blushed.

"But you guided me… I'm not that good…" I said and looked down.

"Ha-ha… it appears to be like that but in truth, I just placed my hands there… I didn't do anything…" he said and placed my hands on his cheeks.

"But you moved with mine… I felt it!"

"Yeah… it's true… but only in the first few keys… I let your hands do it alone halfway…" he flashed me that angelic smile of his and I was stunned yet again.

As I have said, and in certainty, everything is perfect when I'm with him.

I can do anything.

The flashback stopped in the very second that my hand stopped playing. My eyes remained closed, savoring all that was left of that memory. My heart still raced, the warmth behind me seems so real, the hands on top of mine seem to squeeze it ever so lightly, and the breath seems to still caress my ear. Everything that has happened then seems to exist in the present, like it is happening now instead of before.

"Blaze…" the breath formed my nickname, I jumped in surprise and my eyes flew wide open. I turned around abruptly, only to face a neck, my heart stopped beating. I knew this embrace so well.

I shook out of his hold and took a few steps back.

I was right. Lance stood there with a look of apology.

"What was that for?!" I shouted at him. He glanced at the terrace over-looking the church's aisle. I suddenly remembered we are inside the church so I took note to lower my voice.

"I have to tell you something…" Lance said instead of answering my question.

"Where is Rico? There's a rehearsal now right?"

"Uhm… Sorry… but I lied…" my head snapped back at him, the irritation grew rapidly as my heart beats 3 pumps a second.

"What?! Why did you do that?" I shouted, advancing to him.

"I have to! You won't listen to anything I say! That's why I was forced to do this!" he snapped, I stopped midway, taken aback by his outburst.

"Y-you h-have some nerves to be angry! I should be the one mad now!" I stuttered.

"Because you won't listen! All I want is to have a bit of your time! I only wanted to explain things… this may be the last time I could…" his voice saddened.

"Whatever… I'm out of here…" I took retreated and was about to take the first step down the stairs when he grabbed my arm.

"Please… just this once… listen to what I say and after this, I'll never bother you again…" I turned to him once again and was about to slap his hand away but the way he looked made me think twice. I saw something there in his eyes that I haven't seen before.

His orbs brimming with tears speak of pure torment and regret. I couldn't bring myself to say no. Guilt came as sudden as the same thump that always strikes me as hard as it could whenever he's near.

I looked away, out to the window near the stairs and sighed pulling my arm gently back.

It wouldn't matter anyway so why am I bothered? I convinced myself, curious as to why Lance wou ld go as far as using Rico's name.

"Okay… I'll give you 5 minutes to talk…" I warned him. Of course I was just exaggerating my words. But as far as I could manage, I wouldn't risk being alone with him. My poor heart will probably collapse.

"Thank you…" he sighed from relief and straightened his stance, as if finding the words to start what he wanted to say. He started running his hands through his hair, like he always did when in frustration.

"Just spill it out already…" I feigned anger but it didn't affect him in the slightest. After a few seconds, he finally asked.

"A week before I left for U.S…"

"I don't get where this conversation is heading…" I commented in a whisper.

"That da-" he was cut off short by the phone ringing loudly in my pocket. I excused myself a little while and answered the phone, it was my mom.

"Hello? Irish?" my mom's voice over the phone sounded a little strange.

"Hey mom! Is there anything wrong?"

"Where are you? We've been looking for you for your dress fitting!"

"Oh is that today? I forgot!"

"Yeah it is! You better get here now…"

"Mom I'm here at the church with… um… with Rico's best friend, we just checked the piano…" The line went silent.

"Mom?" Oh my gosh, does she know that Lance is-

"Okay… I'll just reschedule this… get back before dark…" then the phone went dead.

"Huh? Weird…" I pondered over the fact that my mom responded like that.

As I turn around to face Lance, I was dumbstruck to see ears racing down his cheeks. After noticing me staring at him, he looked down and hid his eyes.

"Lance?" I automatically took steps forward, nearer to him. The urge to wipe his tears away is overflowing. I can feel my heart literally thrash in pain seeing him like this. I didn't notice my hand reaching out to touch his cheek when he looked at me and smiled a distorted one, his eyes held the something profound, something I couldn't understand.

I withdrew my hand abruptly and looked away, feigning innocence.

"So… what was about that thing you were saying? That thing that happened before you left?" I still find it hard to say this thing. It hurt me a lot to reminisce that certain afternoon beneath the rain.

"That was… nothing…" he answered, short of breath from silently crying. I couldn't bring my eyes to look at him. Because if I do, I'm pretty sure I'll breakdown.

"Then what are you trying to say?"

"I just… I just want to wish you all the best… for your wedding… Rico is a good man… I… I know he'll take care of you…"

"Thank you…" I know I should be thankful that he didn't try to stop or argue with me about this thing, but I felt otherwise. My vision is starting to blur from keeping tears.

"That's all… thank you for listening…"