Guys who watch girls sleep

***Matty's POV***

🎧Bon iver / Taylor swift - exile

I always thought that guys who watched girls sleep were weird and creepy and obsessive. I always heard Ross or Ryan talk about girls they were seeing like she was the centre of their world rather than just a bit of fun. It always made me feel so deeply inadequate, I couldn't possess the same loyalty or depth of feelings. At that time I thought maybe there was something wrong with me.

As I lay watching Taylor sleep softly against me, Her brunette curls wrapped around my hand as I'm stroking her soft hair. Asleep she looks delicate and peaceful. Her cheeks a faint shade of pink contrasting with her dark lashes. I think about the guy I was before I met her and I feel so distant from him. I don't remember the last time I stayed at home for any length of time yet here I am. With her, and nobody else and beyond happy to have her to myself.

I love you are words I didn't think I would say to a girl. When they came tumbling out of my mouth today I felt no resistance saying them. When she questioned me with complete disbelief on her face, I thought of course I love you how could I not. I'm changing beyond belief in front of myself and that means something.

At times it's completely unnerving to realise you have no control over someone in the way you normally would. I am so used to having the upper hand in any encounters with women, I control what happens. But because I can't control how I feel about her, I can't control her either.

It's terrifying me that when I realised she could have conceived a child, my child, apart from the initial shock I came around to the idea. I feel like I'm questioning my sanity continually in the name of being in love with her.

And now I actually understand when women have called me names, telling me I'm playing with their emotions or their sanity. I make a deal with myself to try and rectify the relationships I have ruined. And the people I have let down. I will not be able to make up for some of the pain, but I will try to reconcile what I can.

I don't really want to go to the party. There's a plethora of reasons why. I know that she wants to go and that she's already planned her outfit and that means a lot to girls. So I will take her. Again I can't really control the situation how I normally would.

I don't want to be around Jay or Jen. They remind me of who I was. They know all of the bad stuff about me. I don't want Jay to see Taylor, she's his type. She's everybody's type and that's the other issue, all of my friends want her. She is beautiful with no idea that she is, she's classy without being stuck up. She will look unbelievable and I will have to fend off Ross at every chance he gets to be with her. I haven't decided how to deal with that one yet.

I meant what I said to her though, Ross is a good guy. He is genuine and honourable. Even though he's a complete softy I can't step too much on his toes. I can't afford to or he will out me to get to her. Especially if he believes that's the right thing for him to do. He usually follows through when he feels he is justified to do so. At the back of my mind it's worrying me. I'm completely consumed living in the moment with her but there's a part of my subconscious telling me she will realise who I am, telling me I'm a joke for thinking this won't just all catch up to me. I keep thinking if I keep her here with me all of the outcomes can change for us.

Eventually I drift asleep with Taylor in my arms thoughts consuming my dreams.

***

"Matty!" Rachel yells at me.

We're literally in the middle of Ross' house everybody around us, I was dreading her turning up to be honest. God she does not stop, she practically begs me to sleep with her, I follow through and then what does she expect? She expects me to be hers forever. We're literally 17 years old, I'm not ready for commitment not now and not ever to be honest. More trouble than it's worth if you ask me.

I turn to face her, it's pathetic really and I feel sorry for her. I thought I was clear on the whole thing, not sure what she's expecting from me right now. My subconscious is telling me to handle this situation better, but my drunk mind is clearly not listening to the other guy. The sensible and reasonable one.

"Please just can we talk, like I swear I'm not going to get mad or crazy about this whole thing" she says. Hands in the air, she looks overwrought.

She's actually pleading with me right now. This could be interesting. Jay laughs next to me. His perfect teeth gleaming. He's at least a head over me in height. He's just as tanned as me but with golden hair cut shorter than Ross'. I always thought he has all the charm and looks of Ross but none of the common decency.

"Hold my beer" I tell him. Smiling at him jovially.

I follow her out, at least that gets us out of the way of everybody where she thought it would be great to make a scene. I took my shirt off earlier and I'm just wearing my leather jacket. I've pushed my hair back and rolled a cigarette to take out with me.

I light up, lean against Ross' wall and I just wait for her explanation. Then I'll deal with her accordingly, should be easy.

"So I see you've moved on" she glances my way.

Oh Lord moved on from what I want to say. Nothing happened between us, we literally had sex a few times. Maximum five times that is all.

"Not even going to reply I see, that's mature" she says mascara dripping down her face from her crying.

She's actually a mess right now. Not her best look.

"Would you please get to the point you're kinda ruining my buzz right now" I reply.

"Who is she anyways do you even know her?" She demands. Looking towards Ross' place where I was just with some girl. I'm not actually proud of myself to be fair. I just can't do anything else really. I can't feel for others, like girls seem to be able to do within minutes of meeting me.

"Do you need to know? And don't judge me you would go with anyone that looks your way" I tell her. Yes I'm being vicious, I need to start taking charge and leading this conversation to its end rather than just reacting to her.

My mind is telling me to just shut up, not worth my time. I need to wrap this up. Now.

"Clearly" she laughs.

"I did not hear you telling me no" I laugh back.

"Yeah about that, I think I kinda forgot my pill the next day. And the whole getting drunk and sick makes the pill ineffective apparently. So I'm a bit nervous Matty" she blots her eyes.

This is not happening right now. Who just forgets that-it's so important for fucks sake. I didn't even know she had been sick that night before we had sex. She's always drinking I just assumed that she could hold her shit down. Clearly not. She was the one blagging about being on the contraceptive pill. Would help if she actually took it.

I get out my phone. She's exasperated. And she's making me feel pretty exasperated too with the mopey expression on her face.

"Talking about last night right?" I tell her.

I do not want to be trapped by this one for the rest of my life.

"Yes i took it yesterday, we were all drinking and shots and that. I was sick about 3 times. Then I felt fine so I just kept drinking" she says.

Classy. I'm googling my options on the NHS website.

"Then I had sex with you" I say. "I had a condom. But you said no I'm on the pill" I tell her.

"Then when I woke up the next morning I realised I didn't have my pills because we were at Ryan's" she says.

"You had left so I couldn't ask you, I spoke to Ryan's mum and she told me to go to the clinic."

"So did you?" I ask

"No" she replies

"Why the hell not" I ask. I mean I'm so beyond this conversation, that was solid advice. Ryan's mum is a nurse.

"Because I'm not sure if anything would have happened. Anyways what are the odds but I thought you ought to know" she says crying again.

"Well if there's no reason to worry, why are you going on at me" I say rolling another cigarette.

"Matty no it's not that, stop being a stuck up asshole. I wanted to know if you think we need to be worried and what you would like to do about it all" she says imploring me.

"Look how would I know, you told me you were on the pill I assumed that meant you took it at least" I tell her, I'm getting ready to ditch this conversation when Ross appears.

"What's up Rach" he says concern evident on his face.

"Me and Matty were just discussing that he might have gotten me pregnant last night and he doesn't seem to give a shit" she says.

"That's total bullshit. She told me she was on the pill. Then she didn't take it" I feel cornered and pissed off.

"Look Rach I had a condom and you literally said no, I'm protected"

"yea but I didn't realise being sick stops it from working" she argues

"look it says here" I point to my phone "the morning after pill can prevent pregnancy from unprotected sex, if you're worried maybe give that a shot"

She looks at me and my phone, it's clear to me that she knows this already she's not a great liar. She's probably had the morning after already.

"I literally said to you we were just fucking, you told me the pill was better than condoms. Even though I offered to put on a Johnny, what else do you want me to say?" I ask her.

" if you've taken it already which I'm assuming you have then I don't see the problem here" I tell her, she's definitely had emergency contraception and gone to the clinic her face says it all. She cannot lie to me. I don't like lying or games. She just wanted some drama and to see if I would fall into her arms, I don't want her anymore and I leave.

Ross takes care of the situation. He's great at taking care of things I think to myself. Maybe one day I will be like that, I laugh. I go and find Jay again who's finished off my beer, fucking Rach and her drama.