Completely flawed

I'm dialling his number. It's 4am, how did that happen?

One ring and he answers. I breathe out, stuck on what to say.

"Taylor, is that you?" He asks me desperation in his voice.

So he is awake.

"Hey, yeah it's me. I'm sorry for calling you, I really don't know what say, I just wanted to check that you're back home" I say what the hell am I going on about. Why am I being so awkward. This is Matty.

"Don't apologise to me please. I'm so relieved you called me. I've been thinking about calling you but I just wanted to give you some space. And let you sleep" he says to me.

I pause.

"Why did you do it Matty? Why didn't you just tell me. Why did you have to lie to me about it?" I ask him.

"I did it because I'm totally selfish and I want you more than I've ever wanted anything. Ever in my life. I did it because I'm completely flawed. I didn't want to tell you, because I didn't want you to see that side of me, that sounds shit. I know but I had actually made plans to tell you about it before but then when I saw how you felt just about the amount of partners I've had I backed out. I was a coward and I thought you would leave me. And by that point I couldn't imagine ever not having you in my life. I know I don't deserve you, I'm so sorry, so fucking sorry" he says

And we are crying down the phone.

"Please just let me prove to you that I can try to be a better person. I hurt you I know that and I'm not perfect but please just let me try. Let me try to make it up to you even if you decide you don't want to be with me. Just don't shut me out" he pleads.

"I can't shut you out. I mean I'm on the phone to you right now. Like a stupid idiot" I laugh.

"You're not stupid I'm the stupid one. You literally did everything perfectly. I'm the fuck up here" he says.

"Where do we go from here" I ask him.

"I want to be with you Taylor, nothing has changed for me. I will do anything to have you back with me, I know just how much in love with you I am especially because I feel like I'm losing you. And that's fucked up" he says crying again.

I believe him I do. Well I want to. So desperately.

"You're gonna need to give me just a little bit of breathing space." I tell him.

"Of course." He says "anything"

After a pause he says " I love you"

" I love you, Matty" I admit.

We hang up. And finally, exhausted I fall asleep.

***

It's been two weeks. And like 6 days. I have been counting.

I've spent the majority of my time at Rhea's. I haven't seen him since and it's has broken me.

I'm so used to waking up with him and having my life entangled with his. I imagine what we might have been doing, had none of this happened and I feel actual pain. I decided thinking is not an option. I get up and wash and get ready. Malachi took me to my mums so that I could grab some clothes, and essentials. I'm living out of a small suitcase.

Rhea took me shopping, for more new clothes. She told me it's literally therapy and that we must go through it together. She attempted to tactfully ask me when I'm going to see him when we were drinking coffee at Starbucks on our second shopping trip of this week. Assuring me that she loves having me stay, and actually doesn't want me to leave. Of course I don't want to outstay my welcome. I assured her I would text him by the end of the week to arrange a good time. But other than that I still have not decided what I want.

Obviously I want him and what we had but I need explanations first. Worthy explanations otherwise it's over.

He has messaged me every day since our last call.

It's Friday today, and I am going to muster up the courage to send a message to meet up. He replies within seconds, he usually picks this time of day to text me first. I just ask if I can come over, keep it casual and he replies asking if I want a lift. I tell him no I'm all good. And work out how to get to his from Rhea's.

I shower and get ready. I put on my new makeup and curl my hair. Im just gonna wear it out and long. I've decided on wearing my new skinny jeans and my new maroon jumper. It's cold now and Rhea assured me that my new clothes would make me feel happy. Therapy sorted. I spritz on perfume and grab my bag, leather jacket and boots.

I go downstairs and they are both eating breakfast together. God they don't mean anything but it is so painful to see them together just eating breakfast. I would be doing this with Matty.

"Hey, thanks so much. For everything both of you I mean it" I say.

"No probs babe." Malachi says

"Yeah anytime you're welcome to stay again if you like" Rhea says.

She's making this easy and comfortable for me.

"No no. I am not burdening you any longer. Plus I need to sort stuff out, I'm just gonna tackle it all head on" I tell her sitting down and having some juice and toast.

"Oh any thoughts on what to do?" She asks trying not to pry.

"Well, I've listened to him and I've had time to process. So I'm just going to be direct ask him about it face to face. And worse comes to worse I'll end up at my mums" I tell them.

"Sounds like a solid plan" Malachi says smiling at me. He makes me feel calm.

"How do you feel about him" Rhea asks shyly.

"You don't have to tell me" she adds.

"Oh come on! of course I'll tell you. I can't stop thinking about everything. My feelings for him haven't really changed, I think I just needed space" I say feeling a resolve.

"Okay." She says carefully "he's been messaging you daily, I just wanna put it out there that he wouldn't do that if it was a game"

Rhea has been pretty vocal on her thoughts on Matty. And surprisingly she is pro our relationship still, because she hates Jen and thinks she's a scheming bitch.

"I haven't seen him at any parties" Malachi adds.

They've been out a few times I have not despite Ross' invitations. I needed this time to myself. I've spent it with my closest friends and that's been perfect for me.

"Right Tay I'm not gonna lie to you, you know that but I'm genuinely convinced it wasn't all some stupid ploy. Jen is an absolute bitch we know that she wanted to break you guys up. And I just think she was really trying to make something out of it." she says.

"Why would he have moved in with you, and all of that if it were just a game? It makes no sense. We both know that. He would have just got what he wanted and then up and left you" she says. And Malachi nods in agreement. She shoot's me an apologetic grin for being so blunt.

I ponder that. But I don't need false hope in my life right now.

After some breakfast I decide that's enough third wheeling for me today and for a long time. I tell them I'll see them soon and thank them both again for being there for me when I needed them. Rhea hugs me, before I leave and tells me that I look impeccable. I smile. Here's to having best friends.

I decide now it's time for me to start sorting out my life.