3.4 Fear

Yomo woke up with the sun that was getting through his blinds. He brushed his eyes and turned but remembered he was on the cough. So moving was a no for a big guy like him. He groaned and woke up, slowly walking in direction of the kitchen, trying his best not to bump into anything on his way. As usual, he needed some time to fully emerge from his sleep.

Yomo had a way to enjoy his free mornings. It was a very important time of the day for him, so he used to have his routine for it. With his usual playlist on, he started preparing food: scrambled eggs with toasted bread, goat cheese, and a full cup of green tea. Putting everything on a plate, he took it and went to the balcony. There, he sat on a chair and put his stuff on the only table it could contain.

He relaxed while enjoying the light rays of the sun with a smile, his sunglasses on. That was it. The feeling he was looking for. This extremely satisfying feeling of being full, of being one with the world. As if all the stars align. He ate his breakfast silently, replenishing his energy while doing so. Yomo was in an incredibly good mood. He stayed like this for a little while longer, taking his time before starting the day.

That’s when he heard the sound of the window opening slowly behind him. He turned his head to see Rau, a sleepy and hungover look on his face. Yomo smiled at the sight. It was like a dog who got caught off guard and had fallen into the river, went back drenched, still not realizing what had happened to him.

"Hey Rau, slept well ?”

The newcomer answered him with a groan. Yomo restrained his laugh. He stood up and went back to the kitchen with his stuff.

"Do you remember what happened last night ?” he asked him.

"… kinda ?” answered Rau, his eyes not fully opened yet.

"We ran into each other and you were so drunk that I brought you to my place,” Yomo explained, still smiling about the situation.

"Oh…” Rau looked confused. “Well… I’m sorry for that… I hope I didn’t cause any problem.”

"You didn’t, don’t worry,” laughed Yomo, really enjoying the situation. “Come on, sit down, I’ll prepare you hangover soup.”

"You don’t have to…”

"Hey, it’s okay I have a free day today! I don’t mind doing it.” He started preparing tools for his cooking when Rau stopped him by putting his hand on his arm.

"Let me treat you instead,” he said. “I feel bad for what happened… let me treat you to something.”

Yomo thought about it. He already had breakfast, but he didn’t want to disappoint the poor boy who was looking at him with expecting eyes. He smiled and finally gave in. Rau slightly lit up, trying to fight against his headache, making him grin when he tried to smile.

"Okay, let’s go. I’ll let you treat me if that makes you so happy.” He answered, mockingly. “You can take a shower, I’ll lend you some clothes and a towel.”

Yomo showed his host the way to the bathroom, and let him refresh himself after giving him the stuff he needed. He went back to his dishes and started washing them all, then went to dress. That’s when he put on his shirt that he realized he was whistling. Surprised, he thought about what her aunt told him yesterday. The complicated feelings he then had come back all at once, darkening his good mood. She was right after all. He was in a kind of a mess, and he needed to sort things out. He shook his head to get back to his senses and finished getting dressed and found Rau waiting for him before the entrance, fully refreshed. The sight of the young man smiling at him made something in Yomo melt a little.

He took his jacket and his keys, opened the door, and let Rau leave first. His mind focused on what was happening inside of him more than his own actions, he felt as if someone else was acting in his place. As if completely disconnected from this world. He was losing himself in a way he had no control over…

Walking in the street wandering for a restaurant, Rau who was partially back to himself after a good shower, started chatting as lively as ever. Yomo went along with him, a cigarette between his lips and a smile on his face. That new feeling bubbling inside of him wasn’t so bad after all.

"Ah, I’m really sorry for yesterday…” Rau started to apologise again. “My friend made me drink out of a sudden, I couldn’t control it at all…”

"Haha, don’t worry about that! We all have to face this kind of situation when it comes to student life. My friends made me drink too much many times too. That’s just how it is, you go with the flow…”

"Yomo, you sound like an old man recalling his young days,” joked Rau.

"That’s what aging makes you say,” he replied in the same tone.

"Eeeeh? Should I call you grandpa then? You’re mind age doesn’t match your physical age, what will it be in 10 years !”

"Be careful, old people are pretty moody you know,” he said while blowing out the smoke of his cigarette.

"Sure grandpa ~” Rau didn’t let go of the joking tone.

Yomo grinned. He was right about his personality, he liked to play as much as him, but in a different way. That was so refreshing. People who were as playful as he were hard to find. Rau continued to tease him for a moment and they walked like that, not caring about the world around them.

"By the way, your place is a little far from the university, but it’s super nice !” Rau suddenly changed the subject, as he used to always do as if his mind was too free to stay on a specific subject for too long.

"It’s not mine, it’s my aunt’s flat," answered Yomo straightly.

"Your aunt’s? Oh, you’re living with her to save expenses? Are your parents living too far from the university ?”

"Mmmh, not really…” started Yomo who didn’t know how to handle the subject.

Avoid it or tell the truth. He had no idea what to do. Not willing to waste their moment, he decided to follow his heart.

-My parents live at the same distance from the university, but I can’t stay at their place. That’s why I’m at my aunt’s place.”

Rau looked at him with a confused look.

"What do you mean you can’t stay at their place? They… don’t let you ?”

"Rau, you know I’m gay, right ?” Yomo put his foot on the plate.

"Yes ?” he answered, still confused.

Yomo smiled. His confusion and clumsiness were very cute.

"I came out to my parents when I was 14,” started Yomo. “But they didn’t take it well at all. We had a huge fight and I left right after that. At first, I didn’t know where to go, but hopefully, my aunt heard about the news and she took me in. After that, we completely cut contact with the rest of the family because of that.”

Rau was looking at him with round eyes and his mouth open as he was in such great shock.

"Wow… that’s wild,” he said, “I’m sorry I asked, Yomo. It must be so… hard to talk about it to someone you barely know…”

"Not really,” Yomo gave him a warm smile. “The more you talk freely about it, the more you live well with it. Talking is the best way to heal from things like this. And now I’m fine, you know. I’m seeing the end of this and I don’t feel burdened by it anymore as I threw them out of my life.”

Rau walked silently. He seemed to be thinking hard about it;

"Still, it’s not an easy thing to live through.” He said. “You’re impressive Yomo! Many would have given up way before. You’re strong in a very good way, and that’s something you should be proud of.”

Yomo smiled thankfully at him.

"You know, you learn how to deal with life with the time going on,” he said. “You also learn to accept what’s happening to you, and deal with those feelings the best you can.”

Rau seemed to be absorbed in his thoughts. Yomo didn’t want to interrupt him, so he waited for the young man to get back to their world. The young man finally opened his mouth.

"My best friend killed himself because of that,” he started. “His parents beat him up when he came out. I made him stay at my place, and my parents tried to take care of him, but he couldn’t overcome the fact that he was rejected by his own family for who he was. Less than a year after that, he killed himself, living me behind like this.”

Yomo didn’t say a word. The look in Rau’s eyes was so dark he was scared it could taint his usual cheerfulness. He was quite surprised to discover such a story behind a seemingly carefree and happy person. This reminded him to never judge someone based on how they looked like. One should always be wary of what a smile could hide as malaise.

"He didn’t want to fight, he gave up because the fight seemed too hard for him. He didn’t have your strength, Yomo.”

Yomo threw his cigarette butt in a trash bin and glanced at Rau. Unable to say a thing, he put a hand on his shoulder and gave him the most comforting smile he could. Rau thanked him with a faint smile.

"Life is always testing us most weirdly,” Rau said as cloture to his story. “Well, I’m starving! where are we having this breakfast ?” he said, coming back to his usual cheerful mood.

They spotted a place to go when Yomo’s phone started ringing. It was Nils. He answered quickly.

“Yomo…” said his friend’s voice on the phone. “I… can you come right now? I need your help…”

Yomo’s face went blank. His friend’s voice was hoarse and he seemed to have difficulty breathing.

"Where are you ?”

"I’ll send you… the location. Please, come quickly… I feel like…fainting any moment.”

He quickly hung up. In a very stressed state, Yomo grabbed Rau by the arm to stop him.

"Rau I’m sorry but I need to go! My friend needs me !”

"Oh, sure! I hope that it’s nothing serious !”

Yomo quickly called a cab that parked right in front of him.

"Jin has your phone number, right ?”

"Yes !”

"Can I ask him to give it to me? So we can plan another time to hang out,” he said while sitting in the cab.

"Sure! You can !” he answered.

"Okay, thanks! I’m off !” Yomo waved at him.

"Good luck! See you !" he said, answering him with a wave of his hand as well.

Rau was standing on the pavement while the cab was quickly going to the destination Yomo gave him.