28. Getting a Chance
Disclaimer: I do not own Grey's Anatomy.
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Derek looked at his watch. 5:32. "We're gonna be late, Mer", Derek called up the stairs. Meredith's car was still at the auto shop, so they had to drive into work together, which wasn't a problem, except that Meredith seemed to forget that Derek had a surgery scheduled for 6:30 that morning.
"I'm coming", she called back. He could hear her scurrying along upstairs, attempting to finish her morning preparations.
Derek stood at the bottom of the stairs holding his own bag, both of their coffees, and his keys. He looked at his watch again. 5:40. He was about to call for her again when he saw her making the descent down the stairs while pulling her hair back into a messy ponytail.
"Sorry", she said apologetically as Derek handed her the coffee. She grabbed her tote bag off the hook and slipped on her tennis shoes. "I'm ready."
He offered her a small smile. "Okay." He put his hand on the small of her back and led them out the front door, locking it behind him.
The two drove to work in a comfortable silence, occasionally changing the radio stations from a commercial to a song. "So Cristina and I were going to go to Joe's tonight with the others for a drink. Did you want to come?", she asked.
"Nah, that's okay. You go have fun with your friends", he said with a smile, resting his hand on her thigh.
"I need to borrow your car though. Or else I won't have a way home", she yawned.
Derek nodded. "That's fine. I'll have Mark drive me home."
"We won't be gone long. I have an early surgery tomorrow morning", Meredith explained, yawning again.
"Okay", he said with a smile as they pulled into the employee parking lot.
The two walked hand in hand to the entrance of the hospital. "If you get stuck in the pit, come find me. I'll let you scrub in on something", Derek said as they stepped onto the elevator.
Meredith looked over at him and smiled. "Thank you, Dr. Shepherd."
"You're welcome, Dr. Grey", he chuckled. After the elevator doors opened, they stepped off and walked down to the nurses' station where they would go their separate ways for the day.
"I love you", she said softly, giving him a quick kiss.
Derek smiled. "Love you too. I'll come find you at lunch."
"Okay", Meredith grinned as they began walking in opposite directions, ready to begin their days at work.
--
After Meredith finished rounding on her patients that morning, Lexie approached her in the hall. "Hey Meredith."
Meredith looked over at Lexie and smiled. "Hey Lexie. Is everything okay?", she asked, pulling a pen out of her pocket to take down some notes at the nurses' station.
"Yeah", Lexie nodded, pushing some hair behind her ear. "Molly tells me Laura keeps talking about you and Dr. Shepherd", she laughed.
Meredith smiled. "We miss her."
"I think she misses you guys too", Lexie agreed with a laugh. "Actually, I um…I wanted to talk to you about something. Do you have a minute?", she asked nervously.
Meredith eyed her half-sister curiously. "Yeah. Why? Is everything…?"
"Could we um…", Lexie started, noticing some of the nurses pretending not to listen in on their conversation. It seemed that any news concerning Grey women was a hot topic for hospital gossip, and Lexie didn't want this getting spread around the rumor mill.
"Oh. Yeah", Meredith nodded in understanding.
Lexie and Meredith walked into an empty corridor where no one could overhear their conversation. Meredith swallowed and played with her fingers, waiting for Lexie to begin speaking.
"So um…when we visited my—our dad—in the rehab clinic, he um…he was asking to see you", Lexie stammered nervously.
"Oh", was all Meredith could muster. Of all the things Lexie could have said, that certainly wasn't what she was expecting.
"We um…we told him that you were babysitting Laura, and he just…he wants to see you, Meredith", Lexie breathed.
"Oh. I um…", Meredith started, biting her lip to find something plausible to say.
"He really is…different. He wasn't just saying that because he was all weepy and feeling guilty. He really does—he'd like to see you", Lexie said softly.
Meredith nodded slowly, unable to find the words to form a sentence.
"I'm sorry I didn't tell you the other day. You guys just seemed so happy, and I didn't want to ruin that, but standing here telling you this while you look at me like that…I just—I'm sorry. I'll just go", Lexie rambled, turning on her heel to hurry off down the hall.
Meredith smiled a little bit at the rambling that both of them seemed to have inherited. "Lexie", she called out.
Lexie turned around and looked to Meredith, an embarrassed look on her face.
"Look…", Meredith breathed. "My father and I don't have the easiest…it's just that…I'll think about it, okay?", she said softly.
Lexie smiled a little, a look of relief written over her features. "Thank you, Meredith", she whispered.
"You're welcome", she said with a nod. "Okay, well, I have to go prep my patient for surgery. I'll um…I'll see you later, okay?'
"Okay", Lexie smiled. "See you later, Meredith."
"See you Lexie", Meredith said kindly.
Meredith took a deep breath and headed down the hall in the opposite direction of her younger sister. She silently thanked God that she could escape in surgery right now. Dealing with the prospect of seeing her father for the first time in months was too much to think about right now.
--
"Hey you. How was your surgery?", Derek asked, taking a seat next to her at a table in the cafeteria.
Meredith looked up from her salad. "Hmm? Oh. It was good…fine", she said distractedly.
Derek could tell by her demeanor that something was on her mind. He kissed her cheek softly and smiled. "What's wrong?"
"How do you do that?", she asked quietly.
"Do what?", he asked, taking a bite of his own salad.
Meredith leaned back in her chair and took a sip of her water. "That. You have this annoying way of reading my mind", she breathed.
"I know you", he said simply. "So what's up?"
Meredith gave in. She knew talking to him would make her feel better, so she decided to spill. "Lexie and I were talking today and—", she began before the beeping of her pager sounded.
"Damn it. I am hungry", she groaned, as if scolding her little black pager. "My post-op patient. I have to go." Meredith kissed his cheek and stood up. "I'll talk to you tonight, okay?"
Derek sighed. "Okay. Love you."
"Love you too", she said with a sad smile before hurrying out of the cafeteria to go check on her patient.
--
After Meredith's shift was over at eight o'clock, she changed out of her scrubs and into her clothes. Her day had been one page after another. She hadn't even had a chance to sit down since lunch time. So she was relieved when it was time to go out and get a drink with her friends.
"I'll have a shot of tequila, Joe", Meredith said as she, Cristina, Alex, and George took their seats around the bar. Izzie and Lexie were on-call or else they would have joined them.
Cristina looked at her curiously. "You haven't had tequila in months."
"Tonight I feel like drinking", Meredith shrugged.
"Bad day?", Joe asked as he poured a shot and slid it over to her.
"Just…family things", Meredith explained, downing the shot. She winced at the burn of the alcohol as it slid down her throat.
"You okay?", George asked worriedly.
Meredith nodded. "Yeah. I'm fine."
"Here we go…", Alex laughed, taking a sip of his own beer.
"What?", Meredith asked, looking to the three friends who were staring at her.
"Is it a Derek thing?", Cristina asked.
"No", Meredith shook her head. "It's not a Derek thing. Really, I'm good", she said, putting on her best fake smile.
The truth was, Meredith had been thinking about meeting Thatcher all day. Part of her wanted to go. She wanted to make peace with him, not only for her own sake, but for Susan. Susan would want Meredith and Thatcher to make peace. Maybe they would never be as close as she'd once hoped, but if they could at least find some common ground, they'd both be better off.
She could talk to her friends about it. They'd be supportive and offer their advice. But the person she most wanted to talk to was Derek. He always knew what to say to make her feel better. She knew he'd be there every step of the way and be supportive of whatever she chose to do.
But right now, she was out with her friends. She wasn't on call. And she wanted to drink. Right now, she wanted to pretend she didn't have daddy problems, and be like everyone else. She reasoned that her well established issues with her father would still be there no matter what she did. Her goal wasn't to get drunk, but to have a good time with her friends.
--
Back at the house, Derek was still worrying about her. He knew she was out having fun at the bar with her friends, but he also knew something was bothering her. He knew from the minute he saw her in the cafeteria that something was off. He just hoped she'd turn to him for advice instead of relying on José to help her deal with things.
He was getting bored sitting on the couch watching TV, so he thought about calling up Mark so the two could go out for a drink. But then he remembered that Mark was having the new OB over for dinner at his apartment. And because Meredith had his car, that pretty much threw a wrench in his plans.
When midnight rolled around, he began to get a little worried. He wasn't being possessive, and knew she was an adult, but she'd been at Joe's for close to four hours, and he wanted to make sure she was okay. He tried her cell a few times, but there was no answer. He hoped she wasn't passed out on top of the bar in a drunken stupor. That side of Meredith, though sometimes entertaining, wasn't something he liked to see when she was upset about something. To make matters worse, he didn't have his car so he couldn't go make sure she was alright.
Around 12:30, Meredith and Alex walked into the house laughing and chatting.
"Hey", Meredith said with a smile as she walked into her bathroom to brush her teeth.
Derek breathed a sigh of relief. She wasn't drunk or passed out, which was a good sign.
"Hey", Derek smiled, sitting up in the bed and tossing his the home furnishings catalog onto the nightstand.
"Alex drove us home in your car", she said with a mouth full of toothpaste.
"Oh. Okay", Derek said with a nod, noticing her obvious happy demeanor, a complete change from this morning. "Have fun?"
Meredith rinsed her mouth out with some water and walked back into the bedroom. "Yeah, I did."
"Good", Derek said with a smile. He contemplated letting it go until tomorrow, but wanted to make sure she was okay. "So…did you want to talk?"
"About what?", she asked as she changed into some pajamas.
"Today at lunch, you were telling me about something Lexie said, then your pager went off. I know something is bothering you", he said softly, hoping she'd talk to him.
Meredith shrugged. "It's nothing. I'm fine."
"So we're back to that again…", he sighed sadly.
"What are you talking about?", she asked as she got into bed next to him.
"You're not fine, Meredith. I know you better than anyone else. And you…are not fine", he said, shaking his head.
"Derek, I'm happy right now. Can we talk about this later?", she asked, taking out her ponytail and dropping her hair tie onto her nightstand.
"Yeah. Fine", he mumbled, lying down in bed with his back to her.
Meredith looked at him curiously. "Why are you pissed off at me?"
"I'm not", he snapped.
"What is your problem?", she asked, sitting up in the bed.
"Nothing. I'm just tired", he sighed.
"You could have gone to bed while I was out", she said, getting defensive.
"You were at the bar for four hours. I wanted to make sure you got home okay."
Meredith crossed her arms. "You don't have to wait up for me. I'm a big girl, Derek."
"Well what am I supposed to think when you're at the bar for four hours and don't even bother to call?", he asked, turning around to face her.
"Sorry. I didn't know I had to check in", she said sarcastically.
"You don't have to check in. I was just worried about you. I know something is bothering you, and when you go to the bar for four hours, I can't help but wonder what's going on", he explained.
"I'm fine, Derek. I'm home. I'm not drunk. And I want to go to bed", she said dryly, lying down and facing the opposite direction of him.
"Fine. Goodnight, Meredith", he sighed, lying back down so they were back to back.
"Night", she mumbled.
He heard her crying softly next to him, attempting to muffle her sobs in her pillow.
Derek felt a twinge of pain in his heart. "Meredith", he sighed sadly, turning around to pull her close to him.
Meredith went stiff in his arms and sat up in bed, quickly wiping away her tears. "I'm sleeping in Izzie's room. Goodnight", she said quietly. She grabbed her pillow off her bed, and walked out of her room and across the hall, thankful that Izzie was on-call tonight.
Derek sat in the bed for a moment with his head in his hands. All he wanted to do was talk to her. He never meant to pick a fight with her. And now she was angry, and upset, and they didn't even get a chance to talk.
He let her have a few minutes by herself in Izzie's room before walking across the hall. As soon as she heard his footsteps, she pulled the covers over her head. "I'm fine, Derek. Go back to bed."
"Meredith", he whispered, taking a seat on the edge of the bed.
"Stop. Stop trying to make me feel better. I'm sorry I didn't call. I'm sorry I make you worry", she whimpered, trying her best to sound strong.
"I'm sorry", he whispered. "I shouldn't have been short with you. I just—Meredith, when I know something is bothering you, I want to help. You were distracted today at lunch and it looked like you were going to cry. I don't want it to be that way."
"It's not a big deal. I shouldn't even be upset about it. I'm just stressing and—I don't need you to help me with this, Derek", she said with a sniffle.
Derek took a deep breath, laying down on the bed next to her, but keeping enough distance that she wouldn't flinch away from him. "What did Lexie say to you?"
"Nothing. It's not fair to you, Derek. I just—I rely on you too much. I'm always coming to you with my crap, and I shouldn't do that", she whispered, still facing away from him.
Derek felt the tears sting his eyes. He knew she had been dealing with a lot lately. Finally putting her mother to rest, learning how to have a family, learning how to let him in—it was a lot for her. But that didn't mean he wanted her to deal with it on her own. "Meredith, I don't ever want you to think you can't come to me. I love you and I want to help", he said sadly.
They both remained silent for a few minutes. Derek didn't want to force her to say anything. He hoped she'd just come out and say it on her own. He thought about going back to her room so she could get some sleep without him next to her, but he just couldn't bring himself to leave her side.
After what seemed like forever, Meredith finally spoke. "This was my room when I was little", she admitted softly.
Derek looked over at her, most of her body still obscured by the blanket. "Yeah?"
"Yeah", she sniffled. "My dad painted it. It's been this color since I was born. Izzie touched it up, but it's still the same color. My mom didn't want to go all pink", she said softly before pausing. "Actually, my mom didn't even want to have a baby at all. But my dad…he told me that he decorated this room for a month because he wanted it to be perfect. They settled on this cream yellow shade. He wanted to make it special for me. He always told me that this was my princess room…"
Derek smiled softly, a few tears escaping his eyes. He suddenly knew that whatever was bothering her concerned her father. "Yeah?"
Meredith sniffled, still refusing to face him. "He would sit in here with me and have tea parties. Or we would color. He would tuck me in every night. When he left…I just…" She paused and began shaking again, her body wracked with heavy sobs.
"Meredith", he whispered. He knew she was still upset with him, but he didn't care. He wrapped his arm around her and kissed the back of her head.
"He left. He left, Derek", Meredith cried. "He didn't even…he just left."
"I know. I know. I'm sorry", he whispered, taking her hand in his own.
"How could he do that? How could he just leave me with her? He knew what she was like. He knew what kind of childhood I'd have. But still…he left. And now…now he wants me to go see him", she admitted sadly through her tears. "I don't know if I can do that. I tried before…I tried to make it work. I wanted to see if I could let him back into my life. But then Susan died. And he hit me, blamed me for her death, and I drove him to become this alcoholic. And Lexie had to—"
He cut her off. "Meredith. You are not to blame for that. You didn't kill Susan. And you're not the reason he's in rehab. He knows that", Derek said firmly. "None of this is your fault. I know you blame yourself, but Meredith, everything that's happened—it's not your fault. You were the child. And the adults in your life made some admittedly bad decisions, and you were the one who suffered because of it."
"He didn't even fight", she whispered, still facing the wall. "He told me he did…but he didn't. He just left."
Derek rubbed small circles on his hand with his thumb. "I know", he whispered consolingly.
"Sometimes I wonder what it would have been like if he would have fought for me. I could have been happy. I could have grown up in a family. I could have…had sisters, birthday parties, holidays…normalcy. But he didn't fight."
"I know. I wish you could have had all of that too", Derek said softly. "It hurts me to think that you went through that. It's not fair."
"Is it wrong that I don't want to see him?"
"No", he said quietly. "I understand."
"But should I?"
"Go see him?", he asked.
Meredith nodded. "Yeah."
"If you don't want to, that's okay. But if you do, that's okay too. I love you and I'm behind you either way", he said comfortingly.
Meredith finally turned around to face him; her face tearstained and her eyes still glossed over with tears. "I'm sorry", she whimpered.
"No, Meredith, I'm sorry. it's—I shouldn't have snapped or been pushy. You had a fun night with your friends and I made you upset. I'm sorry", he whispered, kissing her forehead.
Meredith pressed her body close to his. "I love you."
"I love you too, Meredith", he whispered as he gently rubbed her back.
Meredith buried her face in the crook of his neck and breathed him in, hoping it would comfort her. She needed that right now. She needed to know that he would always be there. Just being with him made her feel better. After a few minutes of relaxing herself, she looked up at him. "I think I should", she whispered.
"See your father?", he asked gently, surprised by the sudden change in her decision.
"I wanted to see him my entire childhood. I just wanted five minutes to talk to him. And I never got that chance when I was little. And now, he wants to see me. I'm getting my chance to make it right. If I don't go, doesn't that make me like him?"
"The situation is…entirely different, Meredith. He's your father, and he left you. He was the parent. You were five years old. If you don't want to go see him, I completely understand, but if you feel like you should see him, I'll be right there next to you—if you want me to", he said gently.
"Yeah", she replied, nodding slightly. "I have to do this for me, but I'll braver if you're there."
"Then I'll come with you. I don't want you doing this alone anyway", he said softly, brushing some hair off her face. "We're in this together."
Meredith smiled slightly. "Okay."
"Come on. Let's go back to bed", he said. Meredith got her pillow and took Derek's hand. They walked back into the bedroom and crawled back under the covers. Derek pulled her close to him and held her as she fell asleep, letting go of the problems of the day. She would face her father, and it would be okay. Because she had Derek. And she knew he'd stand by her every step of the way.
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