29. Small Steps

Disclaimer: Nope. Not mine.

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Fathers. Like mothers, Meredith had never experienced a true relationship with one, besides Derek's mother. Father was sort of a foreign word to her. Her definition of father was an ass who abandoned his child when she was five year old, seemingly disappearing forever. To her, a father wasn't someone that videotaped your dance recitals and interrogated your boyfriend when they entered your front door. A father left you with your wicked witch of the west-like mother and decided to move on without giving a crap about you.

Since she had decided to visit Thatcher, she had been wavering on her choice. But for some reason, she called the facility last night to let the counselors know that she would be visiting tomorrow after she and Derek rounded on their patients. And now she was kicking herself for being such an idiot. How could she possibly visit him? How could she look him in the eye and not want to run him down in her car. He wasn't an evil man, she knew that. Deep down, he was a good person. But that didn't change the fact that he left her. So needless to say, she had some hesitations about all of this.

Derek assured her that she would be okay. He'd be by her side the entire time. Maybe wanting Derek there made her weak, but she knew that she'd be braver if he was. His presence would calm her and give her the confidence to say what she needed to say. And Meredith had a lot to say.

She had to do this. Not talking to her father wasn't going to help with anything. She needed answers, and she just hope he'd be able to give them. Meredith reasoned that if he wasn't drunk, and the conversation didn't end with another slap across the face, it was already a step in the right direction.

All of this was mulling over in her mind while she was sitting in the passenger seat on her way home from work. Derek noticed her obviously troubled demeanor and put his hand on her thigh.

"Hey. You okay?", he asked softly.

"Hmm…oh, I'm fine", Meredith lied, biting her lip.

Derek sighed. "You're worried about seeing your dad tomorrow."

"How do you know?", she asked.

"Because. I know you", he said with a small smile, taking her left hand in his right. "Don't worry. I'll be with you the whole time."

Meredith nodded. "I know. But I'm still stressing."

"I know", he whispered. "It'll be fine."

"Now you sound like me", Meredith sighed, rolling her eyes.

"Alright, how's this? I'll be awkward and weird, and you'll feel like driving back home before we even get in the building, but you'll feel better afterward", Derek said. "Is that more accurate?"

Meredith smiled slightly. "Thank you", she said, leaning back in her seat.

"You're welcome", he chuckled. "So how about we order in, then take a bath? It'll help you take your mind off things."

"Mmm", Meredith moaned. "That sounds so nice."

"Good", he smiled as they pulled into the driveway. Unless they had plans or were on-call, they came home every night together, which was something they had both come to enjoy.

"So what did you want to order?", he asked as they walked into the house.

Meredith shrugged. "Anything but Chinese."

"Okay, Derek laughed. "Italian?"

"Sounds good", Meredith said with a smile.

After they ordered the food, they went to go relax on the couch. "Why don't you like Chinese food?", Derek asked with a chuckle.

"It always makes me throw up", she shrugged, leaning her head on his chest.

Derek kissed the top of her head. "So you can stomach a left over grilled cheese but can't handle white rice?"

"Is that weird?", she asked with a giggle that made him smile.

"A little…", he smirked.

"You still love me and my quirks", she said, reaching for her hand and lacing their fingers.

Derek smiled. "I do."

--

After they finished eating, they headed upstairs to take a bath. They'd been so busy with work lately, and hadn't taken a bath together in a long time. Getting the chance to relax together in the bathtub would be good for them.

"This'll be nice", Meredith said softly as she tossed her sweater onto the bed.

Derek smiled. "Yeah."

"Don't make me all horny in the tub", she warned.

Derek looked at her and smirked. "I don't know if that's possible, Dr. Grey."

"I'm serious", Meredith giggled.

"You sound serious", Derek teased.

Meredith wiggled out of her jeans. "Remember the last time we tried to have sex in there? We almost got stuck and had to call for help."

"That's because you decided to throw your legs over each side while I—"

"Don't…", she glared. "…ever bring that up again."

Derek smirked at her. "And I thought you were flexible…"

"I am flexible. That…was your fault", she said definitively as she unclasped her bra and shimmied out of her panties.

"And when you do that, how can I not take advantage in the tub?", he asked, removing the last of his clothing and pulling her into an embrace.

Meredith pressed her lips against his. "Hmm…I don't know…"

"I'm not making any promises", he chuckled, easily scooping her into his arms and carrying her into the bathroom.

Meredith kissed his cheek. "Fine." Derek stepped over the side of the tub and gently set her on her feet. They both sat down and Meredith leaned her head against his chest.

"This is nice", she sighed, playing with some bubbles in her fingers.

"Mmhmm", Derek replied idly as he began to suck on her earlobe.

"What did I say?", she asked quietly, tilting her head so he would have better access to her neck.

Derek reached around and cupped one of her breasts in his hand. "No sex."

"And what are you doing?", she asked in a slight moan.

Derek smirked. "Taking a bath with you."

"No. You…are getting me all hot and bothered", she corrected.

"Sorry", he sighed, continuing to give attention to her body.

"No you're not", she giggled.

"Fine. I'm not. But you're not really protesting", he said with a chuckle.

"You're such an—ohh…", she sighed as he snaked his hand between her legs. Meredith spread her knees apart slightly and closed her eyes.

Derek slipped a finger inside of her and she let out a small moan. "Want me to stop?", he whispered, knowing all too well what the answer would be.

"No", she said softly, clutching his thighs when he pushed another finger inside, making sure to stroke the sensitive front wall of her sex. "Oh Der", she moaned. Screw her no tub sex rule. She was too far gone to care about that.

Derek worked his fingers in and out of her at a slow, torturous pace until she was writhing for release. "Der…I…please…", she whimpered, panting slightly.

"Okay", he whispered. He eased his fingers from her and turned her around so she was positioned above him. "I love you."

Meredith settled herself over his erection and sank down, taking him completely into her body. "I love you too", she moaned, bracing her hands on his shoulders so she could raise and lower herself on him. Together they found their rhythm and got lost in their shared passion and pleasure, forgetting about anything but each other.

--

"So much for not making me horny in the tub…", Meredith mused as they lay in bed together. "I'm surprised we actually pulled that off in that size tub."

"We'll have a big bathtub soon", Derek smiled, kissing her forehead. "So did I distract you?"

"You did", Meredith said with a slight giggle. "You're good at that."

"What? Sex?", he questioned, laughing slightly.

Meredith rolled her eyes. "Yes, sex. But it's not just the sex. It's…you always know how to make me feel better", she said quietly. "And I don't just mean the sex. Even though it's the best I've ever had. It's not about that. It's about…us."

"Best you've ever had, huh?", he asked with a smirk.

"I'm trying to pour my heart out right now and you're ruining it with your porny mind", Meredith scolded. "But if you have to know, yes. You're the best I've ever had."

"You are too", he grinned. "Which is good, because you're stuck with me forever."

Meredith smiled and pressed her palm to his cheek. "Good."

"We got sidetracked. What were you trying to tell me?", Derek asked, brushing some hair off her face.

"It's just…", she sighed, getting lost in her thoughts. She rested her hand on his chest and looked up at him. "You make it…everything…okay. That's why I need you to go tomorrow. I…that might make me weak and pathetic, but I need you there. I need you to let me know that I can do it. That I can talk to him, no matter how much I'm dreading it."

"Mer, you don't have to go. It's okay…if you didn't want to", Derek explained softly, looking into her eyes, so full of trust and love for him.

Meredith sighed. "I do. I mean, I don't. But I should. It might be horrible, but at least I'll know I did it."

"Okay", Derek nodded. "I'll be right there the whole time. And if he really has changed, then I think this'll be as good thing."

"Yeah?", Meredith asked softly. At least one of them was hopeful, because right now, she wasn't so sure.

"Yeah", Derek replied, smiling slightly. "Are you going to tell him about…?", he asked, taking her left hand in his right and pointing to the engagement ring on her finger.

Meredith bit her lip. "I don't know. I guess I should, right?"

"It's up to you. If you didn't want to tell him, that's okay", Derek said comfortingly. He knew that just talking to her father would be hard enough on her, but having to explain to her father that Richard would be walking her down the aisle instead of her own father might add to the headache.

"He really shouldn't expect to walk me down the aisle, right? I mean, that would be…he doesn't think that, right?", Meredith asked, the uncertainly evident in her voice.

"I don't think he expects to, no", Derek answered honestly. "But what are you going to tell him about the wedding? Are you going to invite him or…?"

Meredith shrugged and sighed. "I don't know. I'm not ready for…that. You know?"

"Yeah", Derek nodded understandingly.

"Is it bad that I don't want my own father to come to our wedding?", she asked, tracing the pattern on his tee shirt with her finger.

Derek shook his head slowly. "No. It's not. What he's done to you…is horrible, Meredith. A father should never leave his child. Not on purpose, anyway", he sighed.

Meredith looked at him and saw the sadness in his eyes. "I'm sorry", she whispered, wrapping her arm around his waist. "I know you're thinking about your dad. I don't want to upset you."

"No, that's…I want you to talk. What happened is completely different. My dad didn't leave on his own free will, Meredith", Derek said softly, wrapping his arm around her as well so they were face to face.

"That's why I don't know what I should do. I have a dad. I have a dad and I want nothing to do with him", Meredith explained. "I feel like I'm taking it for granted, you know?"

Derek nodded in understanding. "I know you feel that way. But Meredith, I don't want you to feel like you have to do this just for me. He's said and done terrible things. And I'm not saying he's a bad person, but I understand your hesitation."

"I don't want him to hurt me again", she whispered, pressing her body closer to his. "I don't mean physically. I mean…emotionally", she said before pausing. "Great, now I sound like a loser."

"Mer, you're not a loser", Derek said, shaking his head. "You're nervous about this. Who wouldn't be? It's normal."

"I should have let you be there for me…that night…the night Susan died. I shouldn't have run off. I'm sorry", Meredith said softly.

Derek pressed a soft kiss to her lips. "You don't have to apologize for that. I understand."

"You were trying to help and I didn't let you, the same day I told you I wanted to be better about letting you in. It's just—"

"Meredith", Derek whispered, interrupting her. "When my dad died, I did the same thing. I didn't let anyone talk to me…not my mom, my sisters, not even Mark. I…shut down. It took me a while to get back to being myself. I understand what you went through. Something like that…it's not easy."

"No", Meredith sighed. "It's not."

"That night, I came by the house. I was going to go in, but I didn't want to bother you. I figured you needed some space, so I left", Derek confessed, rubbing small circles on her back with his hand.

Meredith looked up and met his eyes. "You did?"

"Yeah", Derek nodded. "I didn't think you wanted to see me. I just wanted to know if you were okay."

"I'm okay now", Meredith said with a small smile.

Derek returned the smile and kissed her forehead. "And everything will be okay tomorrow."

"I hope so", Meredith said quietly. After a few moments of silence, she spoke. "That day when he came into the ER, I thought that maybe what he said was true. Maybe he really was proud of me."

"He's proud of you, Meredith", Derek said assuredly. "Just because he was drunk, doesn't mean he wasn't being honest. Sometimes people are most honest after a few drinks. They have the courage to say what they're really feeling. Kind of like you on morphine", he said with a chuckle.

Meredith looked at him and smirked before turning serious. "You think so?"

"Yeah", he answered honestly.

"I just can't forget about the slap", Meredith said quietly, staring off somewhere else, not meeting his eyes.

Derek felt his heart start to beat faster. That image would be forever marked in his mind. He would never forget the pain of seeing Meredith so hurt, or the anger coursing through his veins as Thatcher hit his daughter. "Did he hurt you?", he asked softly, gently rubbing her cheek with his thumb as if to take away any of the lingering pain of the slap that happened months ago.

"It just stung for a few minutes. I think I was more in shock than anything else", she confessed softly. "I just splashed some cold water on my face."

"Meredith", Derek sighed sadly, tears pooling in his eyes as he cuddled her closer to him. "I love you so much."

Meredith wiped a tear off his face with her thumb. "Why are you crying?", she asked quietly, a look of concern on her face.

"Because you didn't deserve that. I should have done something. I should have made sure you were okay instead of standing there. I'm sorry, Meredith", he whispered, kissing her forehead.

"I pushed you away. It's not your fault", Meredith comforted.

"I still should have run after you…even if you didn't want to talk. I should have been there for you—with you, taken you home…done something."

Meredith sighed. "I would have been mad if you tried to help…accused you of hovering. We both got off track. It seemed like everything was just spinning out of control and we couldn't stop it…I'm glad those days are over."

"We're okay now", Derek said with a small smile. "No more spinning."

"No more spinning", Meredith whispered in agreement.

"I love you, Meredith", Derek said, taking her hand and kissing each of her fingertips tenderly.

Meredith smiled. "I love you too."

"Sleep?", Derek asked quietly, noticing her tired eyes.

"Sleep", Meredith smiled. She pressed her body up against him and pulled him close to her, needing to feel his presence, his warmth, his love. "Thank you."

"For what?", he asked softly.

"Being here…with me."

Derek kissed her forehead. "There's nowhere else in the world I'd rather be."

--

"I can't do this", Meredith stated nervously as they sat in the car outside of the rehab facility.

Derek quickly took hold of her hand and brought it to his lips, kissing it softly. "Mer, you can. Just take some deep breaths, okay?", he said calmly, taking in a breath and exhaling slowly, wanting her to copy his motions.

Meredith breathed deeply and leaned her head back on the headrest. "I don't know, Derek", she sighed.

"Meredith, look at me", he said softly, soothingly. Meredith turned her head and looked into his blue eyes that she loved. "I. Love. You. And I'm going to be with you the whole time. Doing this—no matter how bad you think it's going to be—it's a good thing. I promise", he assured her, leaning over to kiss her.

"Okay", Meredith breathed, nodding slightly. She knew Derek was right. She knew that doing this, even if she felt like running away waving her banner of avoidance, was something she had to do. She had to do it for Susan. She had to do it for her future. But most importantly, Meredith had to do it for herself. "I'm ready."

Derek smiled softly. "Okay."

The two exited the car and made their way to the entrance. After speaking to the woman at the front desk, they made their way to a cozy looking living room where Thatcher would be expecting them. As they entered the room, Derek gave Meredith's hand a reaffirming squeeze and she squeezed his hand in return.

Thatcher stood up to greet them. "Hello, Meredith. Derek", he said politely, shaking hands with both of them.

Meredith and Derek took their seats on the adjacent couch. Derek took Meredith's hand in his own and laced their fingers, a gesture to let her know that he was there for her.

"How…how have you been?", Thatcher asked nervously.

Meredith smiled slightly. "Good. How about you?"

"I've uh…I'm doing well. It's nice here", Thatcher stammered. Apparently he was just as nervous as Meredith was. Derek's heart ached for Meredith. She and her father could barely strike up a conversation, let alone reconnect.

"That's um—that's good. I'm glad", Meredith replied, looking to Derek for help.

Derek nodded slightly and spoke. "Everybody here seems really nice. Lexie told Meredith that facility is one of the best."

Thatcher nodded. "Yeah—it is. I um…things are better now. For a while there, I was, uh…not—not so good, but things are—it's different now", he said softly.

"Good", Meredith replied, biting her lip. Instead of looking at him, she focused her gaze on some object across the room.

After an awkward moment of silence, Thatcher noticed the ring on Meredith's finger. "Oh! You're—you got engaged?"

"A few months ago", Meredith said with a small smile.

"Congratulations", Thatcher grinned, seeming to beam with pride for his semi-estranged daughter.

Derek smiled. "Thank you."

Almost as if he knew that he wasn't going to be involved with any part of the wedding, he nodded slightly in resignation.

Meredith knew that she shouldn't feel bad. In truth, he didn't deserve to walk her down the aisle, but she couldn't help feel the sting of the pain he was feeling.

"Meredith and I watch Laura recently", Derek began, saving her from any more awkwardness.

She squeezed his hand twice. Thank. You. Derek squeezed her hand in return. "She's adorable", Derek grinned.

"They showed me some pictures. She looks so much like you, Meredith", Thatcher said with a genuine smile. "They tell me that she's talking a lot now."

Derek laughed. "Yeah. She's a smart little girl."

"I miss her", Thatcher said softly.

"You'll be going back home soon, right?", Derek asked, keeping up the conversation without Meredith's help. There were things she wanted to say, and yet she couldn't seem to muster up the strength to talk.

"Hopefully within a month or two", Thatcher explained, carefully eyeing his daughter, noticing that she looked troubled.

"Meredith…", he said gently. "Are—are you…alright?"

"Hmm? Oh. Yeah. I'm fine", she lied. "I uh…need to use the bathroom. I'll be right back, okay?"

Derek nodded, knowing that she needed a minute to compose herself. Meredith stood up from the couch and made her way out of the room.

"This isn't easy for her", Derek said softly. "She's really nervous", he explained, leaning back on the couch.

Thatcher smiled sadly. "I can tell. And I know—this—all of this—it's my fault."

"She's trying", Derek sighed.

"Is she…she's happy, right?", Thatcher asked.

"Yeah", Derek smiled. "I think she's happy."

"Thank you—I…thank you", Thatcher said genuinely.

Derek looked at him confusedly. "For what?"

"Loving her. Being there for her. I always wanted her to be happy. I know—I know I wasn't there for her. After I left, I never thought I'd…I prayed that she just—she would find someone who loves her. And I know you do. So…thank you", he said sincerely.

"You're welcome", Derek replied. "I'm sure she'd like to hear that from you, though."

"I don't know…how to talk to her", he confessed, running his fingers through is hair.

"She doesn't know how to talk to you, either", Derek sighed, realizing how lucky he was to have had such a strong relationship with his father, no matter how brief.

Meredith walked back into the room and took her seat next to Derek again. "Sorry, I got lost."

"That's okay", he smiled, taking her hand as he had done before.

"So, Meredith. How are you?" Thatcher asked.

"I'm good. Getting through residency. I love it though" she said enthusiastically, despite her nervousness.

"Good", Thatcher said happily.

For the next hour or so, they managed to make small talk. The awkward tension and inescapable weirdness didn't go away. Meredith breathed a sigh of relief when they finally made their way out of the building.

"That was pointless", she said as she hastily buckled her seatbelt.

Derek looked over at her. "Why do you say that?"

"Because", Meredith sighed. "I didn't say anything. I mean, we said stuff, but none of it—I had things to say to him. Big, important things, Derek. And I didn't say any of them."

"Meredith, that's okay. You haven't seen him in months. This was scary for both of you. But you came here today. You're trying. And maybe you didn't say everything you wanted to say, but Mer, that's still progress, even if you don't think so", Derek said assuringly.

"Then why do I feel like crap?", she asked him sadly.

"You're being too hard on yourself", Derek replied. "You did a lot more than you give yourself credit for."

"I didn't do anything. I just sat there. You did most of the talking."

"But Meredith, you showed up. And that's the important part. He wanted to see you, and you showed up. You wanted him to do the same for you all those years, and he never did. So I know you feel like this was a big waste of time, but what you did today…I'm proud of you. And I want you to be proud of yourself too", Derek explained, leaning over to kiss her cheek.

Meredith leaned her head against the headrest and stared out the windshield. She began chewing on her bottom lip, thinking over what Derek had said.

After a few minutes of silence, Derek spoke. "You know what he told me today?"

"Hmm?", she asked, turning her head to look at him.

"He said that all his life, he just wanted you to be happy. He knows he was a coward, and can't take back what he's done, but he's trying to be a part of your life. And I'm not defending him. What he's done is horrible. And wrong. But he does…he does love you", Derek said gently.

Meredith gave him a small smile, but still said nothing.

Derek took her silence as a cue to continue. "He said he wanted you to find someone that would make you happy. Someone who could help take away some of the pain. Someone to love you."

"Are you bragging about yourself now?", Meredith asked with a small smirk.

Derek laughed softly. "No. I just want you to know that even after everything that's happened, he loves you. So even if you didn't make breakthroughs today, it doesn't matter", he explained with a small smile. "You'll see him again. Today wasn't your last chance. Small steps are okay."

"Small steps. Right", Meredith breathed.

"You okay?", Derek asked, tucking some hair behind her ear.

Meredith nodded and smiled slightly. "I'm okay."

"I love you", Derek whispered, cupping her face in his hands and kissing her.

"Hmm…I love you too", Meredith smiled against his lips.

After they broke this kiss, they realized that they were running late and made their way back to the hospital for a long night on call.

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