30. Fear

Disclaimer: I do not own Grey's Anatomy. I'll leave the brilliance to Shonda.

Paint. They had been talking about paint all day long. On the way to work, at lunchtime, on the way home, and now again as they sat on the couch. Apparently, this is what people did when they built a house. They painted it. Meredith and Derek had actually settled on some colors. Beiges, yellows, reds, even a shade of lavender in the family room.

But if Meredith never saw a paint swatch again, she'd be more than fine with it. Spending the day with Izzie going on and on about accent colors and carpeting and throw pillows was enough to make her want to scream. And of course, Derek was even more excited. He had been smiling all day. And rather than ruin that for him, Meredith just smiled and went with it.

Meredith and Derek were sitting in the living room surrounded with paint swatches, catalogs, and Izzie's detailed notes. Meredith looked over at the clock. 10:17. Surely discussions about paint exceeding twelve hours was illegal somewhere.

Meredith propped her feet up on the coffee table and yawned. "So, that's it. Right?"

"Well, the playroom", Derek began. He grabbed the swatches and handed her half the pile.

"Wait. Why are we painting that so soon?", she asked confusedly.

"Why wouldn't we paint it?"

Meredith shrugged. 'Well, for one, we don't even have kids."

"So we can't paint the playroom?", he guessed.

"I just think it's too early to be thinking about that", Meredith argued.

"Well, it's not like we're having a baby right now, but we can start thinking about paint", Derek explained.

"Okay…", Meredith said, rolling her eyes.

"What? What's wrong?", he asked. He tossed the paint swatches onto the table and leaned back on the couch.

"Nothing. Whatever", Meredith shrugged.

"I don't understand why you're getting upset. It's just paint", he pointed out.

Meredith crossed her arms over her chest. "I'm not getting upset."

"Well, you seem annoyed with me. That's all", he countered. "It's really not a big deal."

"It's just…I don't know. It's a little overwhelming. That's all", she argued.

"I'm not trying to make this into a big deal. I just thought that we'd want to move into a fully furnished house. You know…a bed, a refrigerator, paint on the walls…"

"Are you being sarcastic now?", she asked defensively.

"What are you talking about? I just want to be ready. We have the time to plan it now, and we don't get much free time, so I'm just trying to use this time to plan things", Derek explained.

"I get that. I just assumed we were holding off on kid-related things until we actually had kids", she shot back.

"Where is all of this coming from?", he questioned. "We want kids."

Meredith glared at him. "Yeah. I know we want kids."

"Then doesn't it make sense that we'd paint the playroom while we're painting the rest of the house?", he retorted.

"Derek…", she started, running her fingers through her hair. "I'm just having a momentary freak out, okay?"

"Freak out? About what? The house? Because I thought this is what we wanted", he replied.

"We do want this."

Derek sighed. "I'm just…I'm trying to understand why you're panicking about this. We were having a conversation about paint, and now were fighting. All I'm trying to do is get the house ready."

"I know that", she shot back.

"Well, it seems like your getting upset over nothing. Do you just want to live here forever?"

"What the hell are you talking about?", she spat angrily.

"You're making it seem like you don't want this. It's a playroom, Meredith. It doesn't mean we have to go immediately have kids to put in there. We're talking about painting it. I don't see what the big deal is", he stated impatiently.

"Derek", Meredith sighed. The truth was, she was excited about painting the house. This was the dream, right? And yet, as the dream became more and more of a reality, she started to get scared. It wasn't just the dream anymore. Now it was time to live the dream. Up until this point, everything was fine. But now, for reasons she didn't even fully understand, she was scared.

"Fine. It doesn't matter. If the idea of even painting the playroom scares you, then I don't know what's going to happen when we actually have a baby. This is supposed to be a good thing. And all of the sudden, it seems like you're not so into any of this anymore. So we won't paint it. It's fine", he said curtly, getting off the couch and heading toward the kitchen.

As Meredith sat on the couch, she felt her eyes sting with tears. She never meant to fight with him. She just thought it was too soon to pick out paint for the playroom. She always assumed that would be something they'd do when they were actually having a baby. And now, Derek thought she was going to flake out on him. It hurt her. It hurt her in a big way. Just as she was about to go into the kitchen to tell him why she was scared, his pager went off.

Derek walked back into the living room without looking at her. "911. I have to go." When he noticed she was crying, he felt a twinge of pain go straight through his heart. "Mer…"

"Just go, Derek. I'm okay", she murmured, refusing to meet his eyes. Just as Derek opened his mouth to speak, Meredith interrupted him. "Don't."

Derek dropped his head in resignation. "Fine. I love you", he said softly before heading for the front door.

"Yeah", Meredith said sadly, wiping her eyes with the sleeve of her shirt.

When she heard the front door shut, she gathered up all the paint swatches and tossed them onto the side table next to the couch. She couldn't look at them anymore. Meredith wiped away the remainder of her tears and walked into the kitchen for something to drink. She grabbed a bottle of water and went back into the living room, lying down on the couch.

She was too upset to watch TV, so she decided to call Cristina. She grabbed her phone and dialed the number. "Hello?", Cristina answered.

"Hey", Meredith replied.

Cristina could tell just by the sound of Meredith's voice that something was bothering her. "What did he do?"

"We had a fight", Meredith confessed, thankful that Cristina didn't hesitate with asking questions.

"What happened?", Cristina asked. She usually stayed out of their little problems, but if Meredith wanted to talk, she'd talk to her. Because she knew Meredith would do the same for her.

Meredith dropped her head back onto a pillow. "We were talking about paint—"

"Still? You two have been talking about paint all day", Cristina pointed out.

"Yeah, I know. Then he brought up painting the playroom. And I started to have a little freak out, and now I guess he thinks I'm flaking out on him", Meredith explained, playing with the label on her water bottle.

"Why don't you want to paint the playroom?", Cristina asked bluntly.

"I just think it's too early for that. I mean, we want kids, but…", Meredith trailed off.

"That makes it real", Cristina finished, as though it were the most obvious thing in the world.

"Yeah", Meredith breathed. "Exactly."

"Well, did you tell him that?", she asked.

"No. I was going to, but before I could, he got angry and then his pager went off and he had to go back to the hospital", Meredith rambled.

"There was a trauma? Why the hell wasn't I paged?", Cristina asked, the annoyed tone evident in her voice.

"Not the point, Cris", Meredith murmured.

"Oh, right. This is about you. So um…why don't you just call tell him that? I mean, you want this, right?", she asked.

"Of course I want it. He just—he hurt my feelings. How could he say I'm not interested in it anymore? That…it hurt me", Meredith said sadly.

"He can be a douche, Mer. That's common knowledge."

"He's douchy to other people, but he never says things like that to me", Meredith responded.

"Call him on his crap", Cristina said simply. "If it hurt you, you have to say something."

"He didn't mean it. I know he didn't mean it. He was just getting annoyed. I get it. But still…", Meredith said softly, sadly.

"That's…that happens sometimes. You guys love each other. You're gonna say bitchy things, you're gonna get angry. But don't let the unimportant crap get in the way of the good things", Cristina said before pausing. "Damn it. I sound like Izzie."

"You do", she replied, giggling softly. "You're right though. I just don't like fighting with him", Meredith admitted.

Cristina shrugged. "I know you don't. You two are like the poster children for sickeningly happy couples."

"I was just having a temporary freak out. Moving into our house...getting married...planning things for these kids we want to have that we have to raise. It's...the dream. Only it's freaking scary."

"Of course it's scary", Cristina agreed. "You're entitled to your freak out. Frankly, I'd be concerned if you weren't freaking out a little", Cristina stated honestly.

"So I'm not just being insane?", Meredith asked sadly. These were the times when she was thankful for Cristina. She knew that she could depend on her to be honest.

"No. You're not insane. But it's not worth fighting about either", Cristina pointed out. "Think of it this way. And believe it or not, I am actually being sincere. What you and Mc—Derek—have isn't something all of us get. I thought I had it, but then I got left in the back of a church in a wedding dress. So clearly, I didn't."

Meredith immediately felt guilty for complaining about her problems when she was much luckier in finding love than her friend. "Cris—"

"No...let me say this. You two...that's what everybody wants. It doesn't take a genius to figure out that you two love each other. So don't let stupid stuff like paint and carpet get in the way of that. It's just...not worth it."

Meredith smiled slightly. "You're right. Thank you."

"I know I'm right", Cristina said smugly, the amusement evident in her voice. "Just talk to him."

"I know. I'm going to. He'll probably be stuck at the hospital all night though", Meredith sighed.

"About that. Why weren't we paged?", Cristina asked now that Meredith's problems had been taken care of.

Meredith shrugged. "Well Alex and Izzie are on call, so I guess that's all they needed."

"Sucks", Cristina muttered.

"I'm on-call tomorrow night, so I'm sort of glad I wasn't paged. Forty eight hours straight is wearing me down", Meredith replied.

"I thought you said the last time you were on-call, you and McDreamy spent the whole night having sex", Cristina mocked.

"Slow night", Meredith shrugged. "What else were we going to do?"

"Is there ever a day where you two don't do each other?", Cristina asked sarcastically.

Meredith bit her lip and thought for a moment. "Um, not for a while."

Cristina sighed. "At least one of us is getting some."

"Yeah, I guess so", Meredith agreed.

"So are you okay?", Cristina asked sincerely.

"Yeah", Meredith smiled. "I'm okay. Thank you, Cris."

"Mhm", Cristina murmured in response. "Just do me a favor."

"What?", Meredith asked.

"When you tell me all about the make-up sex, leave out the graphic details", Cristina cringed, recalling all the times when Meredith was a little too free with the technicalities of Meredith and Derek's bedroom romps.

"I thought you liked getting sex details", Meredith asked curiously.

"I do. But I don't need to hear about McDreamy's McPenis. Bad images", Cristina shuddered.

Meredith laughed. "Fine."

"Thank you", Cristina smiled.

"Okay, well, I'm going to call him. I don't like fighting with him", Meredith said softly.

"Okay. See you tomorrow", Cristina replied.

"Bye", Meredith smiled. After they hung up, Meredith dialed Derek's number, but it was busy, so she decided to leave a message.

Hey, so, look, we need to talk. I don't want us to fight about something like this, so just…if you get a minute and you're not busy, call me, okay? I love you. Bye.

--

As Derek drove into work, all he could think about was the fight he had with Meredith. He never wanted to fight with her. He didn't even understand how a discussion about paint could turn into a fight. When he saw her crying on the couch, there was nothing more he wanted to do than hold her in his arms and apologize. Derek knew that what he said had hurt her. He shouldn't have said it. But he just didn't understand where her panicked feelings were coming from. They had been so excited about it. And all of the sudden, she seemed more scared than anything else.

Mark's phone call snapped Derek out of his thoughts as he drove to the hospital. "Hello?"

"Hey. Were you paged too?", Mark asked.

"Yep. I'm headed back there now", Derek replied.

"Any word on what happened?"

"Nope, just a trauma", Derek answered.

Mark nodded. "Is Grey with you?"

"No", Derek sighed. "She's at home. Probably crying."

"What the hell did you do?", Mark asked worriedly.

"We were talking about paint, and I brought up the playroom, and she just started freaking out. I guess she thinks I'm rushing things. I just want to be ready, you know?"

Mark shrugged. "This is Grey. She tends to freak out over things."

"Yeah, but, I don't get why she got so upset. It doesn't make any sense to leave one room unpainted. I think it's something bigger than just paint, but she's not telling me", Derek said sadly.

"Look, man, she'll come around. You just have to give her some time. You've got to remember, this is new to her. You've done this before. She hasn't", Mark pointed out.

Derek sighed. Mark was right. Meredith had never done this before. It was all new to her. Of course she'd be nervous about it. "Damn."

"Am I right?"

"Yeah", Derek sighed, rolling his eyes at his friend's arrogance and his own stupidity.

"Just talk to her. It'll be fine", Mark assured him.

"Yeah. I know", Derek agreed. "Okay, well, I'm gonna go. I'll be there in a few minutes."

"Alright, man. I'll see you", Mark replied.

"Bye", Derek said, ending the phone call. He tossed his phone onto the passenger seat and continued to make the drive into work.

--

Meredith was just getting ready to head upstairs to bed when she heard her cell phone ringing. At first, she thought it might be Derek, but he probably too busy dealing with whatever trauma there was at work. When she looked at the caller ID, a confused look came over her face. "Alex?", she murmured to herself.

"Hello?", she answered.

"Mer", Alex said immediately.

"Hey. What's wrong? Why are you—"

"Mer…it's about Derek", Alex blurted out.

Meredith froze in place. Her heart began speeding up and she could barely remember how to use her voice. "What?" was all she could manage to say.

"He was in an accident. He's okay, but they—"

"He—what—Oh my God! Alex!", Meredith cried.

"Mer", Alex interrupted. "He is okay. He's getting checked out now."

"Oh my—I have—I um—I'll be right there", Meredith stammered nervously.

"Mer!", Alex called out before she got the chance to hang up. "Relax. Okay? Are you alright driving? I can come get you."

"No it's—I'm okay. I'm gonna go", Meredith replied. She quickly hung up the phone and grabbed her keys before rushing out the door and making her way to the hospital.

All of the sudden, fighting about paint didn't matter so much. In fact, it didn't matter at all.

So after seeing the horrible promos and sneak peek ABC put together to freak us all out, I got an idea. I have a plan with this. No worries.

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