71. Trying to Have it All

Disclaimer: Nope, not mine.

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They had been going at this for nearly an hour. Normally they were good at this, but tonight it just wasn't working.

Derek was ready to let go at any minute, but Meredith didn't seem anywhere near close to finishing. He had done anything he could to help her. Stimulating her, stroking her, even changing positions, but still, she couldn't seem to fall over the edge.

"Mer," Derek breathed, holding her hips as she rotated back and forth on top of him.

"This isn't…I can't…I don't know why but it's just not working right now," Meredith panted, brushing some sweaty strands of hair off her face.

"Mer, that's okay," Derek said with a sympathetic smile. "Another time."

"But you…you're…," Meredith breathed as she raised and lowered herself on him a few more times.

"Don't worry about it," Derek comforted. He was more than ready, but was determined to hold back and wait for her. "It's okay."

Meredith looked at him and frowned. "Why isn't this working?"

"You're just tired, Mer. And you have to be getting sore. It's alright," Derek soothed, rubbing his hands on her thighs. "There's always tomorrow."

Meredith bit her lip and nodded in resignation. She gently eased herself off of him and dropped down next to him on the bed. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be," Derek said softly. He kissed her cheek before sitting up and getting out of bed. "I um…I'm just gonna go hop in the shower to get rid of...this."

She nodded dejectedly and rolled over in bed, pulling the covers over herself. "Okay."

"Meredith..."

"I'm just tired," Meredith shrugged beneath the blanket.

Rather than press the issue with her, he just leaned over the bed, pressed a kiss to her forehead and walked into the bathroom.

Sex had always been easy. It was their thing. Not that it was all they did, but from the very beginning, they'd been good at it. They knew what to do to each other and when, knew what made the other gasp and moan. They knew each other's bodies like the backs of their hands. So this was a first. He knew she was overly stressed with work lately, and barely had time to catch a nap or relax. There were some days when neither of them could keep their eyes open thirty seconds after crawling into bed. But whenever they started sex, they always got to the finish.

Derek eventually got out of the shower, dried off, and slipped into bed next to her. When he heard the soft snores coming from her, he smiled a little. Maybe all she needed was sleep. He wrapped his arm around her torso and spooned her up against his body. "I love you," he whispered into her hair.

Meredith, in her sleeping state, could still sense his presence and laced her fingers through his. She was relaxed, and Derek was glad for it.

--

"What do you mean you couldn't?" Cristina asked Meredith the next morning at work as they were changing into their scrubs.

Meredith clipped her name tag to her coat pocket and sighed. "I don't know. It's like...my body just shut off. I mean, the sex was good and everything like it always is, but I just...it was like I had a mental block and couldn't focus."

"Are you pregnant?" Izzie asked, taking a sip of her tea.

That seemed to be the default question these days. If Meredith had a stomachache, or a headache, or her hand subconsciously drifted across her abdomen, she was asked that question. Meredith shook her head. "No, I'm not."

"Maybe it's just stress," Izzie pointed out. "I mean, you're trying to get pregnant and still working as a fourth year resident. That's a lot, Mer."

"That's what Derek said," Meredith sighed. "But I felt bad afterward. He was all...you know. But he didn't, for my sake. After he got out of the shower, I was already sleeping."

"Hey, I fell asleep during sex before. Don't feel too bad," Cristina said, her way of being supportive.

Alex and George, having caught the tail-end of that sentence, hesitated before entering the resident lounge. "Are you three talking about sex?" George asked.

"Yes," the three of them said in unison.

"We'll be waiting in the hall," Alex sighed as he and George turned around and left. There were some things they just didn't want to know.

"Maybe you're just PMS-ing," Cristina suggested.

Meredith shrugged as she pulled her hair back into a ponytail. "Yeah, maybe."

"Oh, before I forget, would you two want to come over tonight and help me with wedding invitations? We're trying to save money by doing them ourselves, but because Alex's penmanship is illegible, I'm not letting him help. Are either of you free?" Izzie asked hopefully.

"Can't. On call," Cristina replied.

"Mer?"

"Yeah, I'll help," Meredith agreed, taking a sip of coffee.

Izzie smiled. "Thank you."

"Bailey's coming," George said as he peeked his head in the door, signaling the end of their girl talk.

The three of them walked into the hallway to receive their assignments. The OR board was pretty unimpressive today, so Meredith sighed in relief when Derek approached them. If he had a surgery, she had first dibs, given that she was the only one of the five of them to choose neuro. So unless Dr. Bailey had assigned her otherwise, she'd be spending the day with him.

"Quiet board today," Bailey said. "That could mean bad things are coming, but for now, we'll hope that doesn't happen. I've got a colectomy, two appys, a c-section, a below the knee amputation, and an obstructed bowel," she rattled off.

Cristina groaned audibly. "Smorgasbord of boring."

"That's all?" Alex complained. "Dude, come on..."

"Hey, not my fault. If you want bigger and better things, go find your specialty attendings and ask. Otherwise, this is what I've got for today. Slow day. And let's be thankful for that," Bailey said as she turned to walk away.

Derek stepped in and smiled. "Dr. Bailey, would you mind if Meredith scrubbed in with me today? I have a new case from Portland that just flew in this morning," he explained.

"Fine with me," Bailey approved.

Meredith smiled gratefully at her husband. Her knight in shining scrubs, saving her from a day of dullness. "Thank you," she said softly after reaching his side.

"Figured you'd want to have a productive day," he explained as they walked toward their patient's room. "Can I have a sip of that?" Derek asked.

Meredith handed him her coffee cup. "Decaf," she warned. "It doesn't do much to wake you up."

"I can pretend it helps," Derek shrugged amusedly before taking a sip. "Why'd you get decaf?"

"I'm trying to cut back," Meredith yawned. "Caffeine is bad while trying to conceive, remember?"

Derek gently squeezed her hand and kissed her cheek. "Okay," he whispered. Rather than skirt the issue, he decided to dive right in. "So...what happened last night. Are you okay?"

"I was tired, I guess. I'm sorry," she said, embarrassed. "I think I might be PMS-ing, which means no baby this month..."

"Mer." Derek pulled her aside to an empty area of the hallway and smiled at her. "First of all, you don't have to be sorry for anything. And second, if there's no baby this month, that's no big deal. We haven't even been trying that long. It's okay. Alright?" he said, pressing a kiss to her forehead.

She nodded and leaned into him. "Okay," she said softly.

"I love you."

Meredith smiled against his chest. "I love you too."

"Ready to go meet our patient?" he asked.

"Hmm...so there's really a patient? I was kinda hoping you made that up so we could sneak away without anyone knowing," she giggled.

Derek laughed. "I'll keep that in mind for next time."

The two of them finished the walk toward their patient's room and entered after two short knocks. "Sarah Graham?" Derek greeted the woman. "Hi. Dr. Shepherd. So I see you were flown here from Portland General because of a fetal spinal tumor."

Sarah's husband nodded. "The doctors didn't have the means to treat it, so they sent us here. They said you were the best," he said hopefully.

"You can fix it, right?" Sarah asked, running her hand protectively over her pregnant belly. "You can save our daughter?

"After Dr. Jensen delivers your baby this afternoon, I'll step in and remove the tumor. Barring any complications, she should have a full recovery. I don't want you to panic, okay?" Derek said comfortingly. "Dr. Shepherd is going to take you for an abdominal CT, which will give us a game plan of how exactly to treat your daughter."

Meredith smiled at the worried parents-to-be reassuringly. "Which is safe," she added. "And after that, hopefully Dr. Jensen will be ready to take you into the OR for your c-section."

Sarah let out a deep breath and leaned her back on the pillows. "Okay," she said.

"Meet you at lunch," Derek whispered into Meredith's ear before he left the room.

She nodded and smiled at him, then turned her attention toward Sarah and her husband. "So, uh, do you have a name picked out?" Meredith asked, trying to lighten the mood.

"Caroline," Sarah said with a smile.

"That's beautiful," Meredith complimented as she wheeled the woman toward the elevator, her husband in tow.

"It took us nearly all nine months to pick a name. We kept switching back and forth. But once we found Caroline, we knew that was the one," her husband Jim explained, holding onto Sarah's hand.

"Do you and the other Dr. Shepherd have any kids?" Sarah asked conversationally.

Meredith pressed the button for the elevator and looked at the woman. "Hmm?"

"Oh, I'm sorry. None of my business. Just nerves talking, I guess," she apologized. "Same last name...I just assumed you were married," Sarah blushed.

"Oh, yeah, we are," Meredith laughed. "Nope, no kids yet. We've been working on that."

"Jim and I tried for almost a year before the stick turned blue for us. And that feeling? Nothing like it in the world," Sarah said, smiling at her husband.

Meredith couldn't help but mirror both of their smiles. She knew that one day, she and Derek would know what that felt like.

--

"Hey," Meredith greeted Derek, walking into his office with Sarah's CT results. When she saw their lunch sitting on the table, her stomach growled. She hadn't even realized just how hungry she was until food was put in front of her.

Derek smiled. "Hey. Are those Sarah's films?"

"Yeah. From what I can tell, the baby's tumor spans from T-11 to L-1. But it doesn't look too interwoven," Meredith explained, dropping down next to him on the couch.

"Good," Derek agreed. He pulled the CT scans from the envelope and reviewed them while Meredith reached for her iced tea. "I got you a chicken sandwich and potato salad. Carbs and proteins to keep you energized," he winked at her.

Meredith rolled her eyes playfully. "And mayo to fatten me up," she said, taking a heaping spoonful of the potato salad. "But who cares? It's good."

"Damn, look here," Derek said, pointing to the CT. "See that tiny black smudge? Pseudo-aneurysm."

"In between the tumor?"

"On top of it," he sighed.

"Is that...can we fix that?" she asked.

"I think so, but...what makes it difficult are the nerves surrounding it. I clip one, and boom, she has no leg function" Derek said. "Poor kid."

Meredith frowned. "Yeah." She studied the scans for a few moments then turned to Derek. "Well, what if you cut the pseudo-aneurysm out first. Use the tumor as a barrier so you don't hit the spinal cord."

Derek nodded slowly. "Like a cushion."

"Exactly," Meredith agreed. "Would that work?"

"I think. Yeah, it could," Derek replied. He looked to his wife and smiled. "That's...you're good, Mer."

"I just have a good teacher," she joked, taking a bite of her chicken sandwich. "So Sarah's surgery is in OR 3 at three o'clock, and I booked OR 2 for Caroline's surgery at three, too, so we can take her right in."

"Caroline?" Derek asked, confused.

Meredith reached for her iced tea bottle. "The baby. They're naming her Caroline."

"Pretty name," Derek said, eating a spoonful of his soup.

"It is," Meredith agreed before yawning. "So, since I'm a genius and all and came up with that surgery, can you cover for me while I take a nap?" she asked, smiling at him.

"Yeah. It's a slow day. I guess I could do that," he grinned. "Oh, almost forgot, the Chief called a meeting for all the department heads at six, so I'll just meet you at home so you don't have to wait around."

"Iz wants me to go over and help with wedding stuff, so I'll be there anyway," Meredith explained. "So if I'm not home by nine, I need you to come save me."

"And vice versa," Derek teased.

Meredith giggled. "Sounds like a plan."

--

When Meredith woke up on the couch two hours later, she rolled onto her back sleepily. Napping had become a treasured hobby, one that she took advantage of whenever she had the chance to do so. She looked at her watch curiously, anticipating the amount of time she had before her surgery. 4:49. Meredith sprang up on the couch, all tiredness quickly replaced with equal amounts of shock and annoyance. The surgery started almost two hours ago, and no one had woken her up.

Derek, she thought. She groaned out loud as she pulled her shoes on and grabbed her coat, eager to make her way downstairs to the OR floor to see if the surgery had been pushed back. Otherwise, her husband would be getting his ass kicked for letting her sleep through it.

Sure enough, when she got downstairs, the OR board hadn't been changed. Tumor removal in OR 2 at three o'clock. "Damn it," she whispered.

"What's the matter?" Alex asked as he approached her.

"My stupid husband decided to let me oversleep and let George scrub in on the surgery. The surgery that I came up with. Ass," she ranted mostly to herself, but in Alex's ear.

"I just scrubbed out on the c-section. Cute kid," Alex said. "Shepherd took her right next door."

Meredith put her hands on her hips. "Ass."

"What did I do?"

"Not you," Meredith shook her head. "Derek."

"I'm sure he can explain," Alex countered.

Meredith angrily narrowed her eyes at her friend, so Alex had no choice but to agree with her. "Fine. He's a douche."

"Thank you."

"What're you doing?" Alex asked as Meredith headed towards the nurses' station.

"Getting myself a surgery. Any leftovers from earlier?" she asked.

"Why aren't you scrubbed in with Derek?" Bailey asked as she deposited a stack of charts.

"Because he's a douche," Alex answered for her.

"Thank you," Meredith repeated.

Rather than ask for an elaboration, Bailey handed Meredith one of her charts. "Appy. Yours if you want it," she offered.

"By myself?"

"No fair," Alex rebutted.

"I've got one for you too, Karev." Bailey handed Alex another chart then grabbed one for herself. "That frees me up for the colectomy. Now don't let me down and kill these patients or I'll kick both of your asses. Got it?" she asked.

Meredith and Alex nodded in unison. "Got it."

While in surgery, as she single-handedly removed her patient's appendix, Meredith was borderline seething on the inside. Sure, getting to do a solo surgery was fun. But she'd done a handful of solo appys before. And frankly, scrubbing in on a surgery with Derek was always more exciting. As she worked, Meredith prepared her angry speech to Derek, working in hand gestures as she went. She would have even threatened to withhold sex if she wasn't trying to get pregnant. But she kind of needed him for that.

She knew that's what this was all about. Derek knew she was exhausted, and letting her rest whenever she could would only help with the whole baby making thing. If it weren't affecting her career, Meredith may have found it sweet. But today, it just pissed her off. She was glad she could go to Izzie's tonight and cool off. Maybe when she got home, Derek wouldn't have to suffer such a bitter wrath.

After finishing the short surgery, she scrubbed out and headed toward the resident lounge to change. It was nearing six o'clock and Derek was probably just finishing up the baby's surgery. Meredith changed as quickly as she could, hoping to avoid having to talk to him before she left. That was a conversation she'd rather save for home, in case there was any bloodshed.

By some stroke of luck, she was able to escape without Derek knowing, and made the short drive over to her old house. Izzie pulled in right next to her in the driveway and smiled. "Hey Mer," she said. "Thanks for coming."

"No problem," Meredith shrugged. "Actually, you picked a good day for this. I need the distraction."

Izzie opened the front door and frowned at her friend. "What happened?"

"Derek and I were supposed to scrub in this afternoon, but instead of waking me up, he let me sleep through it. He's been worried about me getting enough sleep and stuff because we're trying to get pregnant, but it's like he's mommy tracking me already," Meredith ranted as they walked into the kitchen. She hadn't been there in a few months, but everything looked surprisingly the same. Izzie had always loved the house, and made it more homey than Meredith ever attempted to. That was Izzie's forte.

Meredith sat down at the kitchen table while Izzie grabbed the boxes full of wedding invitations off the counter. "Well, do you see where he's coming from?" Izzie asked.

"Yes, but still. He can't do that stuff at work. I mean, it's different if he let me sleep through dinner or something. But this is my job, Iz," Meredith explained.

Izzie, aware of Meredith's decaf coffee rule, but not having any to make, put on a pot of water to make some tea and set a plate of cookies down on the table for them. "Yeah, but..." Izzie countered. "You two are married. No matter how professional you try to keep it, it's never going to be strictly business between you guys. At home or at work, you love each other. That doesn't go away once you step through the doors of the hospital."

"But he's making me feel incompetent," Meredith pointed out.

"Then you need to tell him that."

"I plan to," Meredith groaned as she bit into a cookie. "Believe me, I plan to."

Izzie took a cookie of her own. "I'm not saying don't yell at him. I know I'd yell at Alex if he did that. But try to see where he's coming from. I mean, Meredith, you couldn't even make it to the finish during sex. And that's one thing you're good at. Sorry if that sounds weird, but coming from someone who slept across the hall every night before you guys moved out, I know that doesn't happen unless there's a reason."

"Yeah. Because I'd just worked a forty-eight hour shift and my need for sleep won out against my horniness," Meredith said, much to her own annoyance. Orgasms made things so much better, so not having one last night didn't help her mood.

"That's what I'm saying. You're stressed out. He gets that," Izzie said. "Like it or not, he knows you, Mer."

"I know he does," Meredith sighed, running a hand through her hair. "But I'm still pissed. Plus, I think I'm starting my period soon, which makes me extra bitchy."

Izzie smiled sympathetically at her friend. "It's gonna be okay."

"I know," Meredith said softly. "After I go home and get if off my chest, I'll be fine. Until then, let's just do these wedding invitations. I need to distract myself," she managed to giggle.

"Okay," Izzie laughed, opening the lid to one of the boxes containing the invites. "Feel free to bitch. I'm willing to listen."

Meredith smiled. "Thank you."

--

It was a little after nine when Meredith finally made it home, surprised to find that Derek wasn't there. The Chief's meetings always had a tendency to run long, so she wasn't too concerned. After pulling back the covers so Charlie could make himself comfortable, as he did most nights, Meredith walked into the bathroom, peed, wiped, and let out a heavy sigh. Like clockwork, her period had arrived. It wasn't unexpected, but it still filled her with disappointment. No baby this month. Meredith knew they hadn't been trying that long, but every month since May, she'd been hoping for that miracle. The miracle would happen, she knew, but waiting for it wasn't easy.

She stripped off her clothes, showered, and just let herself relax under the water spray. After a tough day, a hot shower was the next best thing to crawling in bed. But even after getting out, Derek was still MIA. It wasn't until she'd just settled under the covers and flipped on the TV that she heard him unlock the front door. Meredith sat up in bed and waited for him. She had some yelling to do, and until she let it all out, she wouldn't be able to sleep.

Derek walked into their bedroom, already seeming to brace himself for her tirade. "Hey," he said sheepishly.

Meredith muted the TV and crossed her arms over her chest. "Hey."

"You're mad. I know, you're mad," he jumped right in. "And I'm sorry about that."

"Why didn't you wake me up? You knew how much I wanted to scrub in on that surgery, and you didn't even bother to page me," Meredith said, raising her voice a little.

"I paged you twice, came upstairs to check on you, saw you sleeping on the couch, and decided not to wake you up. I made a judgment call. I know how frazzled you've been these past few months, and I didn't want to have to wake you up," Derek explained as he sat down on the edge of the bed.

"You can't do that. I know I'm your wife, but...Der, just because we're married doesn't mean you can do stuff like that," Meredith told him.

Derek ran a hand through his hair. "If we weren't trying to conceive, I would have woken you up. But you being tired and stressed out doesn't exactly help with that, Mer."

"Well, guess what? I just got my period, which means you can treat me like everyone else until we can start trying again in a week," she snapped, wiping a few angry tears from her eyes.

"Meredith..."

"Whatever," she shrugged. "I have to do my job, Derek. Even if I'm trying to get pregnant. I can't get special treatment or get kicked off surgeries. You can't mommy track me."

"Okay, okay. You're right. I'm sorry," Derek apologized.

She swallowed hard, trying her best to stop her tears but to no avail. They spilled from her eyes like a leaky faucet and Derek quickly wiped them away with his thumbs. "Hey, hey," he said softly. "Alright, I'm sorry. I won't do it again," he said, wrapping his arms around her.

Meredith's body was wracked with unexpected sobs and she cried into his shoulder. "I'm so tired, Derek. I thought this would be easy, but...it's not," she confessed. "My mother always said I had to choose. That I couldn't have both. Maybe she was right, I mean--"

"Meredith," he said, tilting her chin toward him. "I don't want you to think that. You've achieved more than your mother ever did. Every day, you prove her wrong. And you're going to keep doing it. If you don't want a baby right now, just tell me. We can wait," Derek assured her.

"No, it's not that. I want a baby. I'm just worried that it won't happen because I'm so stressed out, and that's bad for me, and then you do things like let me sleep through a surgery, and I start to feel like I'm bad at my job, which is almost as bad as thinking I won't be able to get pregnant," Meredith rambled, coughing a little on her sobs.

Derek kicked off his shoes and pulled her into his lap. "Mer," he whispered into her hair. "You're an incredible surgeon. You helped save Caroline's life today. You may not have been in the OR, but you're part of the reason why she's going to live a healthy life. Every day, you do things like that. It's in your blood. That's never going to change. And we will make a baby, Meredith. If we'd been trying for years, I'd be concerned. But it's only been a few months, which isn't long at all. It'll happen. I don't want you to worry about that. But if you do, then I want you to tell me about it. Okay?" he asked, running his fingers down her back.

Meredith pressed a kiss to his neck and sniffled. "Okay."

"And so what if you got your period? We just keep trying then, that's all," Derek shrugged.

She pulled back from their embrace a little and wiped her eyes with the tissue Derek handed her. "Some days, I just wish we could just camp out at home where it isn't stressful and exhausting," she confessed.

Derek pursed his lips and brushed her hair from her face. "I have an idea."

"What?"

"How about we save our Bermuda trip next month for another time, and stay home all week. It'll be our own little vacation, except we won't go anywhere," Derek suggested. "We already worked all those extra hours to gain vacation time. So technically, that time is ours."

"Yeah?" Meredith asked. Somehow, a week spent at home with her husband and their dog was a lot more appealing than having to pack for a flight and go away. Sure, once they got there, it would be relaxing, but all the stress leading up to it outweighed the rest.

"Those tickets don't expire. We could just re-book. How's that sound?" Derek smiled at her, his usual love and concern shining through in his eyes.

Meredith bit her lip and nodded. "I'd like that."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah," she echoed. "Hiding out at home sounds like the best vacation ever," Meredith managed to giggle.

Derek laughed. "I think so too." He quickly stripped down to his boxers and grabbed a tee shirt from his drawer, then rejoined her in bed. "I really am sorry about today," he repeated. "If I'd known how much it would hurt you, I wouldn't have--"

Meredith put a finger to his lips and smiled. "I get it. It's okay."

"You still love me, right?" Derek chuckled, wrapping his arm around her waist as she scooted closer to him.

"Yeah, I do," Meredith whispered. She pressed her palm to his cheek and kissed her husband for the first time in hours. "You're gonna have to make this up to me with a lot of sex."

Derek grinned. "Yes, dear."

Yes, those last lines were late additions. Call me a fraud, but I had to do it. That scene on Thursday was beyond adorable. I love married Meredith and Derek so much. :')