177. Chapter 177

After Boom, Again

By

UCSBdad

Disclaimer: And BOOM! UCSBdad doesn't own Castle. Sounded just like John Madden, right? Rating: K Time: See above.

"He cares about you, Kate. You may not see it. You may not be ready to, but he does."

Kate Beckett thought back to her conversation with Jordan Shaw. There are three statements there. I'll go over them one by one. First: He cares about me. True. Richard Castle cares about me. I've tried to tell myself that he just wants another conquest. That if I just slept with him he'd lose interest. But, I'm not sure he'd lose interest. Hell, I'm not sure I'd want him to or that I'd lose interest in sleeping with him. I'm not even sure he'd sleep with me. The first few months we were together, he'd have slept with me, but I'm not sure about now. It's been over a year. He hasn't asked me to go to some secluded island in the Caribbean with him or done anything else that I'd expect a self-centered, sex-crazed millionaire playboy to do. He is not trying to seduce me.

She laughed to herself. If he is trying to seduce me, he's the most self-destructive seducer on the planet. When you seduce a woman you use expensive gifts, fine wines, romantic dinners, soft music. You don't rush into her burning apartment and you don't walk into what you know is a trap with a gun in your hand.

So what does it means that he cares for me? As a partner for murder cases? Yes. In that sense Ryan and Esposito and a lot of other cops care for me. Would he want to be my friend? Again, yes. He's already a friend. A good friend. Only a friend and a partner would be there for me as he's been. A lover? Yes. He'd be my lover if I'd let him. He'd be good to me. He'd be caring, gentle, generous and passionate. But that's not what want, is it? And I don't see Richard Castle ever settling down to be my husband. My only husband. My life long husband. I've never gotten over the heartbreak of my mother's death. I may never get over it. To lose a loved one again would add to my misery. I cannot let Castle into my heart. It would hurt too much when I lost him.

Second: She said that I may not see it. Yes, I do see it. I will admit that I took a very long time to see it. For a while I saw Castle as something sent by an uncaring Universe to punish me for some unknown crime. I never hated him. That would be too strong a word. But, in the beginning, I certainly didn't like him. But, I…Got used to having him around. He's a good, if totally unorthodox detective. He's brought a little fun into my life. I needed that. So I'm…Content with Castle. I accept having him in my life to the extent I let him in.

Oddly, I still try to act like I don't like him. I act like I don't feel any connection to him. He asked my why he was here and I said that I asked myself that same question. I don't, of course. I accused him of wanting to get into my bed when he stayed with me. He wouldn't have done that. He came to stay with me to protect me. No that an unarmed mystery writer would have been much use. All that he would have done was to give me warning when Dunn killed him. Kate felt a cold chill in her stomach. Did he understand that? That if Dunn came by, he'd have to kill Castle first, giving me time to grab my gun. If Castle cares that much, I may have more to handle than I'd thought. No. He couldn't have thought that. Dunn's plans are always complex. Kicking down the door and blasting away would never do it for Dunn. No. I must be wrong about that.

Thirdly: You may not be ready for to see it. Correct. I'm not ready. I can't understand how I feel about Castle until I can understand Castle himself. He's a riddle wrapped in a mystery, inside an enigma. At first Castle was easy to understand. He was an egotistical playboy who had no respect for anything or anyone, including himself. Then I met Alexis Castle's father. A very different Richard Castle. After that Nigerian killer had us cornered, I actually thought he'd leave. Or at least confine himself to hanging around the precinct. The Richard Castle I first met would never willingly go into any kind of danger. But he does, in spite of my best efforts to keep him safe.

And just when I think he may actually like me, want me, be interested in me, he does something to show he doesn't. He was all set to do that stupid British spy book deal and leave me. He went out of his way to tell me that staying with me wasn't his idea. He only agreed to do more Nikki Heat books because the money was so good. Oh, yes. There was the time he was named the Ledger's most eligible bachelor number nine. He couldn't wait to tell me how unhappy he was to be linked romantically with me.

No. I'm not ready to see how Castle cares for me, because I don't know. He cares in some bizarre Castlesque way, but I'll be damned if I can figure it out.

And I made my usual response to Shaw. It's complicated. Is it, really? Castle cares for me and will be a part of my team for the foreseeable future. The best I can hope for is that Castle becomes a partner and a friend and no more. I can't allow him to try to be more. It would never work and in not working, it would destroy me.

Richard Castle sat in his loft and thought about his brief conversation with Jordan Shaw. "You care about her, Castle. More than a few people know that, but Beckett either can't, or won't see it. And in spite of everything else, she cares for you. Although she may never admit it to herself, or to you. How do you handle that? What do you plan to do?"

I tried to laugh it off as nothing. But lying to Jordan Shaw is something even I, with my legendary talent with words, can't pull off. I told her that I did care for Beckett and that in spite of everything she said or did, I thought she cared for me. Not as much as I care for her, that would be too much to expect. Oh, it would be nice to imagine something real with Detective Kate Beckett, but I'm not sure she'll ever be ready for that, or that I'm the man who could give her what she wants and needs. That's just not me.

But what would I do? I had shrugged and given Shaw the only answer I could. "I'll show up each day and bring her a cup of coffee."