207. Chapter 207

After Knockout, Yet Again

By

UCSBdads

Disclaimer: I'd be…Oh, why bother. I don't own Castle. Rating: K Time: See above.

"Kate, I love you. I love you, Kate."

In spite of being heavily sedated, her mind was unnaturally clear. Everyone associated with this case is dead. My mom is dead and I almost lost my dad. Raglan and McCallister are dead. They were criminals, but they deserved a trial for their crimes. They didn't deserve to be murdered. Bob Arman, the undercover FBI agent is dead. Chuck Ryker is dead now. He was crooked, too. But he didn't deserve a bullet in the back of the head.

Her mind got foggy for a second. She had forgotten something or someone. Montgomery! Yes, Captain Montgomery is dead, too. He didn't deserve to die like that. Evelyn Montgomery doesn't deserve to be a widow and his children don't deserve to grow up without a father. The three kids are all younger than I was when I lost my mom. How will they cope?

But Montgomery was playing a double game with me. From the night that he found me in the records room looking at my mom's file, he knew who was responsible. He not only didn't tell me who it was, he changed the records so I'd never find out. But he made me the detective I am today. I'd have never have gotten this far without him. I forgave him. And he died to save me.

Ironic. Who is it that likes irony? She tried, but nothing came to her.

I have no luck with men. Royce. I loved him, sort of. He betrayed me and then got himself murdered. Will, he wanted the FBI more than he wanted me. Did I really want him that badly? Tom. Bad choice. There was someone else. Who? Josh? No, I'm with Josh now. No, I don't love Josh. I'm just hiding with him. How do I know that? Who exactly am I?

I'm me. Am I dead? Is this what death feels like? Am I one more person who's died because of what three dirty cops did all those years ago? At least if I am dead, it's all over. No one left to kill now.

She realized that something about that last statement was wrong. No. That's not right. I'm missing something. What am I missing? Castle! He loves me. He won't give up. And Ryan and Esposito won't quit either. I have the best team in the NYPD, maybe the best team anywhere. Can they succeed where I failed? Will Esposito die after surviving being a Green Beret in Iraq? Will Ryan die and leave Jenny a widow while she's still a newlywed? And Castle? He's a romantic, a believer in magic and an eternal optimist. He won't stop and think. He'll leave Alexis with no father and Martha will have to bury her only son.

Irony. Castle is the one who loves irony. I didn't want him to look into Mom's case. He did anyway and I told him we were over. He asked me to walk away, but I wouldn't and I told him we were over. Irony.

I can't let my team, my three friends, the man who loves me, the man I love, die because of me. How do I stop them?

"Kate, I love you. I love you, Kate."

Lanie Parish heard those words as she rushed to Kate's side. She pushed Castle aside and began working to stop the flow of blood from her friend. She pushed those words to the back of her mind as she worked frantically on Kate. The ambulance arrived and the paramedics loaded her in with Lanie still trying to stabilize Kate. Somehow Castle had gotten into the ambulance as well.

It wasn't until she had handed Kate off to the emergency room doctors that she had a chance to process what she heard. He loves her. And he picked the worst possible time to tell her. But at least she knows and if she survives, she can work things out with him as best she can. I hope they do better in the future.

The future! Does she even have a future? No! Do not think like that. Kate will survive and when she does she'll have someone to lean on, someone who'll be with her. She won't be alone anymore.

Lanie was about to go over to Castle and talk to him about Kate and their future when Josh came out. What the hell is he saying to Castle? Castle's at fault? Bullshit! The bastard who killed her mom is responsible and the bastard who pulled the trigger today. Whatever happens, I'll make damn sure she dumps that doctor, even if he did save her life. She needs Castle and no one else.

Lanie thought better of talking to Castle about Kate. All things considered, this was not the time to bring up Beckett and Castle. Maybe later.

"Kate, I love you. I love you, Kate."

"That's exactly what I heard, Kevin. He loves her. I've wondered ever since you first told me about them what was up with them. It's obvious that they have feelings for each other. Are you sure they aren't dating or something?"

Kevin Ryan shook his head slowly. "I know she has a boyfriend, that doctor that went off on Castle just a while ago. As far as I know, Castle isn't seeing anyone and hasn't been with anyone since he broke up with his ex-wife. To tell the truth, I'd have thought they were together as well, but they aren't. And I don't know why. They should be together. They need each other. Now, more than ever."

"What are you going to do, Kev?"

"Find the bastards who did this and take them down."

"What about Beckett and Castle?"

"I don't know. I just don't know."

"Kate, I love you. I love you, Kate."

And so I finally told her how I feel. I have no idea how she feels and I may never know. I waited way too long. I told her to think about the people who loved her, like her dad. She asked, "What about you, Rick?" And I couldn't tell her how I feel. Would it have changed anything if I'd told her then that I love her? Would she have walked away? Would she at least have let me stay around? Did she tell me we were over because I didn't tell her? Did she think that I really was just some damned egotistical writer digging into her life to write a book? Did she think that I was telling her that I didn't love her?

So much of this is my fault.

He picked up the phone and looked at the caller ID. It was blocked. "Hello?"

"The numbers from New York City don't look good." Said a familiar voice.

"I'm sure we can correct that in the near future, sir." He said nervously.

"No need. We have another problem now. I'll let you know when we need to work on New York City again." He hung up.