208. Chapter 208

After Rise, Yet Again

By

UCSBdad

Disclaimer: I rise to deny that I own Castle. Rating: K Time: See above.

"I remember everything."

Dr. Burke was surprised, but just nodded. "Would you tell me why you lied?"

Kate stared at her feet, but eventually replied. "It's complicated."

Burke nodded. "The easiest way to handle complicated events is to reduce them down to a series of less complex actions. Can you tell me exactly what you do remember?"

She nodded. "Castle tried to save me. He must have seen something because he knocked me down just a split second after the shot hit me."

"Mr. Castle is the writer who follows you around?"

"No." She said, then quickly added, "He's more than that. He's become my partner. He's a good partner."

"How do you feel about what Castle did?"

Kate frowned. "I don't understand. How do I feel about it? What do you mean?"

Burke steepled his fingers. "For instance, do you feel he shouldn't have risked his life that way? Do you feel that he has some sort of a hold over you for trying to save you? Do you feel your relationship has changed?"

"Yes. No." Kate said. "Let me explain. What he did was the right thing to do. It's what a cop would do. It's what my partner would do."

"But he's not a cop, Kate, is he?"

"Not officially, but as far as I'm concerned he's a cop."

"You also said yes to my question. What did you mean?"

Kate took a deep breath. "The last thing I heard before I passed out was Castle telling me he loved me."

"Does this bother you?"

"No." Kate said adamantly.

"Were you surprised that he's in love with you?"

Kate thought about that. "No. We've been together for several years now. During that time we've never been…intimate. We've both been with other people, but he stopped seeing other women about a year ago. And other things. I just knew….I knew he loved me."

"Do you love Mr. Castle?"

Kate closed her eyes and concentrated. She wanted to get this right. "I want to love him. I really do."

"So you're conflicted? What would keep you from loving Mr. Castle?"

"It's my mother's case. I told Castle that ever since she died, I've had this wall inside me to keep me from ever getting hurt like I did when she died. I told him that I can't be the kind of person I want to be, I can't have the kind of relationship I want until my mom's case is solved."

"How did he react?"

"He accepted it. He said we'd have to take whoever it is down."

"He said 'We"?"

"Yes."

"He's taking on quite a burden. I don't know much about your mother's case, but it's been over a dozen years, hasn't it?" Kate nodded. "Mr. Castle could be waiting for a very long time. Years? Decades?"

Kate nodded and began to cry. "I know how unfair it is to him. I'm hurting him and I'm lying to him, but I just can't be who I want to be as long as my mother's killer is out there somewhere. If for no other reason than that someone out there is trying to kill me. They tried once, they'll try again."

Burke nodded. "You spoke of the relationship you want with Mr. Castle. What exactly do you want?"

"Do you know about Castle? He's a mystery writer, quite a successful one actually."

Burke nodded. "I did look him up on the internet after you mentioned him. I know a bit about him, but not that much. Is there something I should know?"

"I didn't like him when we first met. He's been married and divorced twice and always seemed to be taking some super model or starlet to an expensive restaurant or a play opening. I thought he was shallow, self-centered, and only interested in sex. He was not at all what I was looking for. In fact, I really wasn't looking for anyone at all when I first met him. But he's a lot different than my first impression. He's kind, generous, loyal, a great father and son, and the best detective I've ever worked with. I fought liking him and then I fought loving him, and I'm still fighting loving him, but not because I don't want to love him…It's just my mom's case. I can't put Castle ahead of her and I know that Castle deserves to be my number one priority. If I let myself love him, I'll love him more than anyone or anything."

Kate smiled. "It's funny. When we first met, I told him I wanted a one and done. I wanted what my parents had, a life-long love affair. Now I just want him, however, he wants me. If all he wants is sex, I'll accept that. If were together for a while and then break up, I'll accept that. If we get married and it doesn't work out, I'll accept that."

"But what you want is a life-long marriage. Do you think that Mr. Castle wants that as well?"

Kate thought. "For the longest time, I didn't. But now, I think he might. He's been with me for a long time considering that I haven't given him any encouragement. I know he's capable of a long term commitment from seeing his family. I hope so, but I don't really know yet."

"Still, you're asking an awful lot of Mr. Castle. Do you think you could encourage him?"

"Encourage him? How?"

Dr. Burke smiled. "By doing what young, unmarried people do when they see someone they're attracted to. Ask him out on a date. Go to a movie together. Have dinner." Burke stopped for a second. "Go to bed."

Kate thought. I've gone to a movie with Castle, but it wasn't a date. I've had dinner with him, but it wasn't a date. We've kissed, and he was right, we never talked about that. Sleep with Castle? She shook her head. "No. I couldn't do that. If we started dating, I would fall in love with him. I'd have to tell him that I wanted him more than anyone else in my life. That I had found my one and done and it was him. And giving up my mom's case would eventually destroy me."

"And losing Castle?"

"Losing Castle would destroy me as well." Kate looked at Dr. Burke. "So you think I'm doing the right thing?"

He shrugged. "I can't answer that for you, Kate. I don't know your mother's case or Castle and I don't know you all that well. Only you can answer that question. However, I can tell you that I think you have a very difficult road ahead of you."

"I know. I know."