369. Chapter 369

After Linchpin

Episode 4.16

By

UCSBdad

Disclaimer: Would the US collapse if I really did own Castle? Probably. Rating: K Time: See above.

Kate pushed Castle with her shoulder as they walked to the elevator. "Buy you a drink, Writer Boy?"

"Really? Writer Boy? Couldn't you call me writer man? I may have just helped to save the world today."

Kate pretended to think about that. "Considering that you may have saved the world, and definitely helped save a little girl's life, I amend my statement to, "Buy you a drink Writer Man?""

Castle smiled. "I have a better idea. I haven't had a decent meal in a while. Come back to the loft with me and I'll cook you a meal you'll never forget."

Kate looked at him solemnly. This could get serious. I know how he feels. I know how I feel. I know I can't be what and who I want to be until I've resolved my mom's case. If I give in to Castle, that'll be the first step down a slippery slope. Oh, hell. I'm over thinking things. He's my partner and my friend. We've eaten together and I've been to his loft before. "A meal cooked by world famous author Richard Castle? How could I refuse?"

"Excuse me, that's a meal cooked by ruggedly handsome world famous author Richard Castle."

Kate laughed. "I stand corrected. And what will this ruggedly handsome chef be preparing tonight?"

"My world famous pasta carbonara. Everything I have is imported from Italy: The pasta, the pancetta, the olive oil, the white wine, the Romano cheese, in short, everything."

"Sounds delicious."

He laughed. "You'll have a new definition of delicious before tonight is over, Beckett."

Once back at his loft, he threw himself into making the pasta carbonara. Kate offered to help, making a tossed salad and then slathered a loaf of Italian bread with garlic butter and parsley and put it in the oven.

Castle reached into the wine rack and brought out a bottle of wine. "Pinot grigio." He said proudly. "It goes very well with pasta carbonara. Tonight we feast." And indeed they did.

After dinner, Rick and Kate sat on the couch, sipping wine. Suddenly she spoke. "Are you okay?"

He thought for a minute before replying. "I've been better. Finding out Sophia was probably a KGB agent was a real kick in the head. It's no fun finding out that someone you respected, cared for, and had a relationship with was lying to you about everything. I mean, I knew as CIA agent, she had to maintain a tight rein on her feelings, but as a double agent, she would have buried her feelings completely. I'm sure she never felt a damned thing for me. Ever."

Kate took a sip of wine to cover her own emotions. Castle had a muse that he cared for a lot. Someone he may even have loved. But someone that was very important to him. And that muse betrayed him. She lied to him and she was going to kill him. And what kind of a muse does he have now? He loves me. He told me so, but it's more than that. Every time he brings me coffee I know he loves me. Because when he brings me coffee, I know he's going to be with me that day and help me catch killers and make my day just a little bit more fun than it would have been before I ever met him. And I love him in return. Except I don't, really. I won't let myself love him. I put Castle behind solving my mom's murder. He should be the most important person in my life, but he isn't. Can I really say I love Richard Castle? I want to love him. At night, when I go to bed alone I wish he was beside me. Not for the sex, although I want that, but to just have someone that I know will be with me…always.

But I lie to him. Sophia lied to him and I lie to him. Oh, my lies aren't as bad as Sophia's. Mine won't destroy the world as we know it, but they could destroy what I have with Castle. Suppose he finds out? Suppose I never find my mom's killer? What do I do? Put a time limit on it? If I don't find her killer in X number of years, I'll let Castle love me? God! How self-centered is that? Do I really deserve Castle? To be honest, I probably don't. But that wouldn't stop him. He'll still love me even if I am nothing but a walking disaster zone.

I almost lost Castle twice on this case. Actually, we almost lost each other. Dammit! I have to do something. I can't just sit around and hope that things work out. I have to try.

"So, you've only had two muses?" She asked, as casually as she could.

"Just the two. And even before I found out who and what Sophia was, I much prefer my current muse."

"Thank you. I know I haven't been the best possible muse, but I'm trying, Castle, I'm really trying."

Castle frowned. What the hell is Beckett saying? She's a great muse. Is she tired of having me around? Does she want out of the muse game? Would she like to stop trying? Is it getting to be too much for her? He thought carefully about what he said next. "I have no complaints at all about you as a muse. I couldn't ask for a better muse. But if you're not happy…?"

Not happy as his muse? Where did that come from? Why would he think I'm not happy? The answer was so obvious Kate almost laughed. Kate Beckett, master of the completely obvious. I've treated him terribly for years. Just the other day he saved my life and I told him I'd probably save his. I cannot let him think this way.

"Castle, you're my partner and my friend and I want you to remain so…always. As far as being your muse, I'm proud to be your muse, I'm proud to be the inspiration for Nikki Heat and I absolutely love the books. I've even decided Nikki Heat is a cop's name. And a very good cop, as well."

"Glad to hear it." He smiled.

"Feel better?"

"As well as I'm going to feel considering all that almost happened and all that did happen. That really got complex there. I even thought…" Castle stopped suddenly.

"You thought what?"

"Nothing." He said, unconvincingly.

"If it's really nothing, then you won't mind telling me."

"It's just silly. Nothing you need to know about."

"Castle? Tell me." Kate gave Castle a very low powered glare. He knew her glares could get much worse.

"I thought you were jealous of Sophia. See? It was silly."

"Of course I was jealous of Sophia. Did you think I wanted to be your second best muse? More importantly, do you really think I don't care for you at all?"

"I really…" Castle began and then stopped.

"You really don't know. And that's all my fault. Do you remember when we were at the swings, after the book signing? I said I wouldn't be the kind of person I wanted to be and that I couldn't have the kind of relationships I want to have as long as my mom's murder is unsolved?"

"I remember."

"I'm trying to be that person, Castle, and I'm trying to have that kind of relationship. I try every day, as hard as I can. And having you with me every day makes it easier." Kate stopped, hoping what she was going to say next wasn't too much. "To tell you the truth, Castle, that wall is still there, and I don't think I can tear that wall down without you. Please keep helping me and please give me time. Please."

Rick stroked her hair. "You'll have all the help I can give you and all the time in the world."

Kate breathed a sigh of relief. "Thanks. Now, I should go. Because if I don't, I'll do something stupid and mess things up as I usually do." Kate quickly gathered her things and headed for the door. Rick opened the door for her.

"Kate…Always." He said softly.

She smiled at him. "Always."