370. Chapter 370

AU After Once Upon a Crime

Episode 4.17

By

UCSBdad

Disclaimer: it is a Grimm fact that I do not own Castle. Rating: K Time: See above.

The weary traveler strode across the drawbridge and knocked smartly on the door to the castle. After a short interval, the door was answered by a very hairy fellow, dressed in a dark suit with a claw hammer coat, a white shirt and a black bow tie.

"What do you wish, stranger?" He growled.

The stranger smiled engagingly. "Good day to you. I'm Prince Charming Castle, the Ruggedly Handsome. As your friendly, local prince, I'm available for any of your princeing needs. Do you have any princesses that need to be awakened by a single kiss? How about needing to spin straw into gold? How about dragons? Need any driven away, or killed. I have a special today if you just need your dragon spayed. Anything at all?" The last sentence came out a bit desperately.

The furry creature shook his head. "Can't think of anything. Our princess has things pretty much under control."

Prince Castle looked carefully at the furry fellow. "I know you. I've seen that face before. But where?"

The fellow's furry face was split with a grin. "Maybe this will help." He cleared his throat. "Somebody's been sleeping in my bed and they still are."

The prince smiled. "You're Baby Bear? All grown up?"

The bear nodded. "Yeah. The Goldilocks thing was a one shot wonder. No one seems to want to use bears any more. I had a shot at a Disney gig, but they said my Southern accent needed work." He snarled. "I say, shut my mouth and bless your heart, Bubba." The bear did have a respectable Southern accent.

"Must be tough." The prince commiserated. "You wouldn't have a spare cup of coffee for a wandering prince, would you?"

The bear looked around quickly. "Sure. Come on in."

Stepping across the threshold, Prince Castle saw acres of fine carpets over pristine hardwood floors. "Um, my boots are kind of muddy."

The bear pointed to a man down on all fours by the door. On his back was a large wooly pad. "Just clean them off on Demming over there. He's useless, but the princess keeps him around because he was one of the old king's family retainers. That's our princess, firm but fair."

Castle shrugged and cleaned his boots. Demming thanked him profusely.

Once in the kitchen, Prince Castle found another familiar face. Well, it wasn't the face that was familiar.

"That's right." Said the blonde. "I was Little Blue Riding Hood. A bunch of wizards from Down Under financed a porno fairy tale. They made a fortune and all I got was bupkis. All I got was a lousy tee shirt."

"The Wizards of Oz produced that one, Gina?" The prince said, calling her by her proper name.

"Too right, mate."

Just then the air was rent by a horrible scream. Vickie, the dishwasher came running in. "Come quick! There's been a terrible accident. It's Humpty! It's awful."

They rushed out of the castle and what they found was indeed a horrible sight. There was yolk, white and shell all over. Poor Humpty had met his doom at the foot of a tall wall. As the castle folk stood around, Prince Castle found his eyes drawn to a gorgeous brunette with hazel eyes a man could get lost in forever and cheekbones to die for.

"This was no accident." Both Prince Castle and the brunette said those words at the same time. They looked at each other.

"Who are you?" Asked the princess, glaring at the prince.

Prince Castle bowed. "Prince Charming Castle, the Ruggedly Handsome, at your service. And you are?"

A large ogre appeared at the prince's side. "This is Princess Kate, bubba, and don't you forget it."

"Why are you carrying a feather on your belt? And such a large feather, too." Princess Kate asked.

"It's not a feather, it's a pen. The pen is mightier than the sword you know."

Princess Kate scoffed. She opened her coat, of which she had very many, all held in a magic closet that would hold an infinite amount of coats. "I carry a 9mm Glock sword. I'll put that up against your pen any day."

Prince Castle decided he had no desire to argue with the beautiful princess. "Do you mind if I assist you on this case?" He asked politely.

"Why did you say it was no accident?" Princess Kate asked shrewdly.

"He's too far from the wall." Prince Castle said. "He was thrown."

Princess Kate nodded. "Okay. You're with me."

"We have him!" Cried a wee man with a green suit and large shillelagh, dragging a wolf with him.

"You got nothing on me, shamus." Muttered the wolf. "Nobody saw a thing. You can't prove anything."

"So, B. B. Wolf. You've moved from insurance scams to murder." Princess Kate said sarcastically.

"Insurance scams?" Cried the wolf. "Hey! You build a house out of straw or out of twigs, you get what you deserve. The house of bricks, now, that was completely copacetic."

"The Three Little Hedge Fund Managers didn't think so." The princess shot back.

"Well, I beat the rap." The wolf said with a large smile. "Besides, I have an alibi. I was doing some renovations on a tuffet. Just ask Miss Muffett."

As it happened, the wolf's alibi held up. The lovely redheaded Miss Muffett confirmed that between her classes on quantum sorcery and Spell casting for Windows ® she had had her tuffet renovated by B.B. Wolf at exactly the time of the murder. But, when they ran the phones and financials on Humpty Dumpty, they got a surprise. They soon had another suspect in the interrogation room. The Princess and the Prince interrogated her.

"It's racial profiling, that's what it is. Besides, I have an alibi. I was a flight attendant on the red eye broom to LA." The blonde witch complained. "Something goes wrong and so you arrest the first witch you dumb flatfeet can find. I want a lawyer."

"Like you had nothing to do with the Hansel and Gretel caper." Princess Kate said, derisively.

"I paid my debt to society. I've gone straight. I have a sweet little business. Gingerbread houses, they're all the rage."

Princess Kate tossed a report onto the table. "Gingerbread? Those houses are almost solid sugar. You can almost see your client's arteries clogging."

Prince Castle smiled. "And you've been in touch with Mr. Dumpty. Lots of calls back and forth. I'd think an egg like him would solve some of your problems with your customers. I think you killed him and tried to make it look like an accident. You were going to come back later for the remains for the protein."

Just then, they got a call. Princess Kate answered it on her magic mirror. "We have a call from Lady."

"Lady?" The prince asked.

"Lady Lanie, the Royal Forensic Sorcerer. She has something for us."

Indeed Lady Lanie did. "The witch isn't your killer. No eye of newt, toe of frog, wool of bat, or tongue of dog. And no sign of Adder's fork, and blind-worm's sting, Lizard's leg, and howlet's wing. No witch did this."

Princess Kate swore under her breath. "We'll have to cut her loose."

"But take a look in the crystal ball." Lady Lanie pointed to the orb. "We have red hair on the body."

Princess Kate smiled. "That can only mean one person. "Red" R. Hood."

Prince Castle gasped. "Her? She's here?"

"Is that a problem?"

"She's my ex-wife."

"You can watch the interrogation from the observation room." Princess Kate said.

Alas, while the interrogation did get "Red" to confess to numerous financial crimes and a sex life that beggared belief, "Red's" alibi for the death of H. Dumpty was solid. She had been with seven miners doing…Well, doing things that our gentle readers should not want to learn about.

Also alas, "Red" saw Prince Castle as she was being led away. "Kitten! You'll need to pay for my lawyer. And I need a new castle. And a new grandma. The oddest thing happened to the old one. No one believes me." Luckily the ogre hauled her off to the dungeon.

The Prince and Princess sat looking at the murder board. They were getting nowhere.

"One thing I can't figure out. How could Mr. Dumpty have fallen in the middle of a busy castle with lots of people around and no one sees him fall?"

Before Princess Kate could reply, a large grandfather's clock walked over to her and told her it was time to quit.

"Time! That's it!" Cried Prince Castle. "I saw something on the way here that explains everything."

They rushed off, down the yellow brick road, through the enchanted forest and arrived at a large, blue boxlike building.

Castle pounded on the door. "Come on out, Doctor. We have you."

A rumpled looking fellow stepped out. "Fezzes are cool, as are bow ties." He said.

Princess Kate gasped in horror. "Castle! You can't mean it's….a Time Lord. It can't be Doctor…"

"Davidson!" Castle said triumphantly. Pulling the crooked doctor's false face off.

"Doc" Davidson, as he was known, drew his sonic screwdriver. "Anyone makes a move and I unscrew the lot of you."

Princess Kate drew her Glock sword. "Give it up. I can help you."

"Doc" pointed his sonic screwdriver at her Glock. The sword fell apart.

Prince Castle drew his quill pen. Doc just laughed, but his sonic screwdriver had no effect on the pen. However, a bit of tickling by Prince Castle reduced Doc to a hysterical, laughing mess.

"You're under arrest for the murder of Humpty Dumpty." Princess Kate said, cuffing him.

"And I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you meddling royals."

Back at the castle, Princess Kate enjoyed a cup of coffee with Prince Castle. "I don't understand why Josh Davidson killed Humpty Dumpty."

"He wanted you. He figured that if he showed up and solved the mystery, you'd let him stick around."

"So, what will you do, Prince Charming Castle?" She said in a much friendlier voice.

"What I'd like to do is shadow you and get some ideas for my mystery fairy tales."

"You'd write about me?"

"No, it'd be fiction. I'd call my princess Princess Mikki Hott."

"Never." Kate said. "That's a stripper's name, not a princess' name."

"We can discuss this later." Castle said.

And they lived happily ever after.