398. Chapter 398

After The Squab and the Quail

Episode 5. 21

By

UCSBdad

Disclaimer: Not owning Castle is for the birds. Rating: T Time: See above and below.

Author's note: Although this episode sucks slightly less than the last episodes of season four, I have decided to make a few, almost imperceptible, changes to the story. I doubt you'll even notice.

Kate kissed Castle goodbye as she headed for the precinct to pick up Eric Vaughn and take him to the hotel.

"I hate this." Castle said.

"I know." Kate said, nuzzling his cheek, "but he was the target of a murder attempt. We have to keep him safe."

"I don't mind him being safe, I just think he'd be safer with Ryan and Esposito."

Kate smiled at him. "Don't worry. When I get back, I'll make it up to you."

"Promise?"

"Absolutely."

At the hotel, Kate opened the door and was surprised to see who was waiting there. "Tom? What are you doing here?"

Tom Demming smiled at her. "I left the force. I'm in charge of Mr. Vaughn's personal security now."

"And other duties as assigned." Vaughn barked.

"Yes, sir!" Demming said, quivering.

"Is the boss back?" Said another familiar voice.

"Josh? What are you doing here?"

Dr. Josh Davidson also smiled at Kate. "I'm Mr. Vaughn's personal physician."

Kate frowned. "I thought you wanted to help those less fortunate?"

Josh blushed. "Mr. Vaughn can be quite persuasive."

"My medication?" Vaughn snarled.

"Yes, sir. Right away, sir." Josh said, running to another room.

"Do you need me?" Called yet another familiar voice.

"Meredith? Is that you?" Kate had trouble determining if it was indeed Meredith. Her red hair was now platinum blonde and she had makeup that had probably been put on with a trowel. Castle's ex was dressed in black patent leather knee boots, fishnet stockings, and a black leather bikini.

"Not Meredith any more. You may call me Mistress Suicide." She turned to Vaughn. "Now?"

Vaughn nodded. "Take your position, Demming."

Tom bent over a chair and Meredith, pardon, Mistress Suicide, began slapping his behind with a short leather quirt. Tom began screaming with every lashing of the whip.

"Suicide! Put the gag in his mouth!" Vaughn growled. "I'll be okay as long as I can see him suffer. But now I must get to business."

Vaughn sat down at his desk and began to Skype. Soon Kate saw that Vaughn was speaking to a familiar looking man.

"Supreme Leader Kim Jong Un!" Vaughn said happily. "How are things in North Korea?"

"Excellent. I've closed down twenty six more elementary schools so that the vigilant workers can make more phony Air Jordan sneakers. And, I've found that by feeding the children shoe scraps instead of food, I've lowered the cost of our shoes to ninety cents a pair. As we sell them for two hundred and fifty US dollars, we make quite a profit."

"Excellent!" Vaughn crowed. "In return, I'll be sending you that nuclear technology you've been wanting."

Both men smiled and hung up.

Vaughn called another business associate. "Ah, Mr. Baghdadi. And how are things in the Islamic State?"

"Lousy. Beheading are down thirty percent, martyrdom is up fifty percent and slavery is a real bust." The man did smile through his beard, however. "I do have some ancient artifacts looted from a museum. Worth millions, I venture."

Vaughn rubbed his hands together. "Excellent. I still have some nerve gas left over from a shipment being sent to Saddam Hussein. I suggest a trade."

A deal was quickly made and Vaughn moved on to his next business associate. "President Putin! Taken Kiev yet?"

Putin frowned at Vaughn. "Not funny. These sanctions are the pits. And oil? I can hardly give the stuff away."

"I have arranged for the Environmental Protection Agency to find that global warming is actually good for the Earth and suggesting that building eight cylinder gas guzzlers is the way to go." Vaughn said happily.

"You can get them to do this?" Putin asked.

"If they want to see their families again." Vaughn joked.

"You'll take your payment in weapons, as usual?" Putin asked.

"Of course."

"Can you do anything about the sanctions? It's getting to be that one can't overrun a small country or two without someone complaining."

Vaughn shook his head sadly. "I'm afraid our Kenyan born, Muslim, socialist President can't be moved on this."

"The documents I sent you "proving" all of that didn't help?"

"Damned lame stream media" Vaughn groused. .

"One thing." Putin said, lowering his voice. "I need more Viagra. The extra powerful type you use, with amphetamines and cocaine in it."

"I'll have my personal physician send you some at once."

Vaughn was quickly on to the next call. "General Ntaganda. How are things in the Democratic Republic of Congo?"

"Terrible." Said the general, a burly man dressed in camouflaged fatigues. "My child soldiers cry out for their weapons. Do you know what it's like to be the only boy on the block not to have an AK-47?"

Vaughn thought for a second. "Actually, no. I've never not had anything I've ever wanted." He turned to Kate and leered at her. "But I can pretend to have some empathy if that helps."

"Not necessary." Said the general. "However, I have lots of blood diamonds. Do you have the Ak-47s?"

"Of course. And I can't thank you enough for that footage of my personal physician having sex with a hippo."

"My pleasure. And the hippo's." The general laughed.

And another deal was made.

Vaughn was on to his next deal.

"Senor Guzman! How's the Sinaloa Cartel these days?" Vaughn asked cheerfully.

"So so." Replied Joaquin "Chapo" Guzman, the head of the cartel. "I lost a billion dollars the other day. It was in my pants when I sent them to the cleaners." Guzman shrugged. "Well, easy come, easy go."

"Talk about laundering money." Vaughn teased.

"Very funny, gringo."

"This may cheer you up. Our grade school heroin sales program has really taken off. I'll need to double my order for South East Asia heroin. Can you do that?"

"Amigo, does an ursus americanus defecate in arboreal surroundings?"

Vaughn rolled his eyes, but made a deal.

"Mistress Suicide! Change places with Demming!"

Mistress Suicide bent over and Demming was soon beating her ass with the leather quirt. Since Mistress Suicide only moaned, Vaughn didn't have her gagged.

The next caller shocked Kate.

"Senator Bracken. How are you?"

"I need you to do something for me, Vaughn." Bracken said. "I need some votes in the Senate from some tobacco state senators. What can you do?"

Vaughn smiled. "I can get the FDA to declare that tobacco is good for you. That anyone wanting to be healthy should smoke two packs a day. Or more. But you're going to owe me."

Both men smiled coldly at each other and hung up.

Before Kate could react, Josh came out with a hypodermic syringe. "Time for your meds, sir."

"You inject half of it into yourself first. After all, I have food tasters. You don't think I'd let you inject me with something without you injecting it into yourself?"

"Please sir. Half of it?" Josh blubbered. "The last time I had an erection that lasted for three days. So much blood was in my erection that I started to get gangrene in my extremities."

"Do it, you sissy!" Screamed Vaughn. He turned to Kate. "Just take off your clothes, Detective. I'll just be a minute."

Sobbing, Josh injected himself, then Vaughn. Turning back to Kate, he found her fully dressed.

"You're under arrest, Vaughn."

"Don't be absurd. Do you know who I am? You can't possibly get a conviction." Vaughn put his hand on Kaye's perfect ass. She kicked him. Hard. As he bent over, a bullet went over his head, missing him by inches. "Someone tried to kill me!" He whirled around. "There are no bullet holes in the windows, so either Josh, Demming or Mistress Suicide must have shot at me."

"Or you tried to commit suicide." Kate said.

Back at the precinct Kate finally completed a mass of paperwork needed for the unfortunate death of Eric Vaughn.

"Ready to go home?" Rick asked.

"More than ready." She replied.

"How exactly did he commit suicide, again?" He asked.

"Lanie said it was a single gunshot wound to the head, an overdose of heroin and some sort of a leather object jammed down his throat."

"Forgive me, but it seems like overkill."

"Not to me." Kate said. "Now take me home."