401. Chapter 401

After The Human Factor

Episode 5.23

By

UCSBdad

Disclaimer: The NSA and the CIA know I don't own Castle. Rating: K Time: See above.

A familiar looking hand put a cup of coffee onto Kate's desk. She smiled as her hand closed around the cup. She looked up. "Thank you…"Her smile faded. "Castle Unit Number 2."

"You are quite welcome, Detective Beckett." The machine said in Castle's voice. "Would you care to hear my theory about the connection between terrorism and invaders from Mars? One would think that they would be green, the Martians, not the terrorists, but I think…"

"I'm afraid, Castle Number 2, that I need some paperwork done. Sit down and do paperwork."

The machine, torn between its programming as a Castle unit, and its programming as a police drone began to falter. "Paperwork? I do not do…I am here to serve….You look especially gorgeous today, Detective Beckett….I need to go make coffee." The machine staggered off, smoke coming from its ears.

"Yo, Beckett. We got a body drop. Twenty Fifth and Lex."

"Thanks, Javi. I need…" Then Kate saw the number 3 stamped on the machines forehead. "Where is Detective Esposito?"

"I'm right here." The machine replied.

"The real Detective Esposito?" Kate demanded.

"Oh! You mean the organic Detective Esposito?"

"Yes! Where is he?"

"He's gone with Detective Ryan 1 to the park with Sarah Grace Ryan, the immature member of the Ryan family."

"I know who Sarah Grace is, and why is Espo at the park?"

"Sarah Beth Ryan wishes to go into Little League Baseball next year. The organic Detective Esposito took a "Shoeless" Joe Jackson model and a George Herman "Babe" Ruth model to give Sarah Grace Ryan some pointers."

"Why didn't Ryan go himself?" Kate wondered to herself.

The Esposito model, not yet being programmed for rhetorical questions replied. "He is at home with the organic Jenny Ryan attempting to build a new organic Ryan unit. The organic Jenny Ryan booked two hours yesterday with a fully functional Jenna Jameson model to learn some sexual techniques to further arouse the organic…"

"Way too much information!" Kate put her hand up to stop the machine.

"How can one have too much information?" The machine asked, actually sounding puzzled.

"I have a crime scene to go to, remember?"

"I told your vehicle to meet you at the precinct entrance." The machine said with a smile.

"Thanks." Kate said grumpily.

Once on the street, she got in on the driver's side of her new vehicle. "I'll drive."

"NYPD regulations require that the vehicle control itself at all times unless there is an emergency defined under the provisions of…."

Kate took a small USB drive from her coat pocket and inserted it into the vehicle. "I'll be happy to let you control me." The car said in a high pitched voice.

Kate just smiled.

Arriving at the crime scene, Kate exited the car. As she did the vehicle said, "We would have gotten here 1.09 minutes earlier if I had driven."

Kate stuck her tongue out at the car.

Seeing a familiar form bending over the body, Kate called out. "Lanie, what do you have for me?"

The ME turned around and rose. "I have a grande latte, two pumps of sugar….two pumps of sugar…two pumps of sugar…two pumps of sugar…" The ME froze. Then, "Here's your coffee. I am sorry, but the organic doctor Parish asked for some modifications to be done to me. The programing is not quite optimal."

"What changes?"

"As you know, the organic doctor Parish wished to become a ballerina."

"But when her boobs got too big, she had to give that up." Kate said. "Have they found a way to shrink her boobs?"

"No." Said the machine, proudly. "I'll be dancing the part of Odette in Swan Lake. "

"Aren't you a bit…top heavy as well?" Kate asked.

"It's all a matter of perspective." The machine said. There was a whirring and ME Parish's legs extended until she was eight feet tall. "In proportion to the rest of my body, I'm now quite flat chested." The machine resumed its normal height.

"What do we have on the murder?" Kate asked shortly.

"I recovered the bullets from Mr. Rodrigo Salvador here. I accessed the police data bank and identified the slugs as coming from a 9mm pistol registered to a known Russian mob assassin, Igor Kerensky. I assembled all traffic and security footage and put together this montage of the killing." A holograph appeared in front of Kate. She could clearly see the killing.

"I requested two police units to arrest Mr. Kerensky."

"Um, thanks." Kate said, walking away.

"I got your coffee." Said a familiar voice.

She checked this Castle for a number on his forehead and finding none, checked for a heartbeat. "Castle?"

"The one and only."

"Don't tell them that." Kate grumped.

Kate took a sip of the coffee and smile at her husband. "The machines took care of everything. We should go back to the precinct."

"Not very exciting." Castle said.

"Tell me about it."

Once back at the precinct, they were greeted by Captain Gates 1. "Mr. Castle. How is my very favorite consultant today?" Gates 1 stood on her tiptoes and kissed Castle on the cheek. "I baked some cookies for you two lovebirds last night. They're on Kate's desk."

"Thank you, sir. That's very kind of you." Kate said.

"Sir? Oh, please. Just call me Vickie. Everyone does." She turned back to Castle. "Oh, Ricky, I read Thermonuclear Heat last night and since I had a few extra minutes, I wrote a paper on the effects of a thermonuclear blast. Your story was almost completely accurate, but you might want to add this to the next edition."

"Thank you…Vickie."

Gates 1 walked back to her office, swinging her hips.

"That is so weird." Rick said.

"It is. But don't tell anyone at One PP."

"Never."

Kate sat down to do paperwork, but was suddenly conscious of someone, or rather something, standing by her desk. She looked up. This was something she really hated. "Yes, Detective Kate Beckett 3?"

"May I speak to you?" Said the machine.

"Sure."

"I think I am defective."

Kate really didn't care, but asked anyway. "Why do you think you're defective?"

"I am programmed to be the very best Detective Kate Beckett I can be."

"Wonderful." Kate said sarcastically. "And the problem is?"

"I'm in love with the organic Richard Castle, but he doesn't seem to care for me. I'm unhappy." The machine began to cry.

"Castle! We're going home." Kate yelled to her husband. She turned back to the machine. "Try to find a Richard Castle unit of your own and don't come near mine."

Leaving homicide, they ran into Esposito just coming in.

"How'd the baseball go, Espo?" Kate asked.

"Terrible. Instead of a "Shoeless" Joe Jackson unit, we got Samuel L. Jackson 55. You wouldn't believe the words Sarah Grace has learned. I gotta call Ryan right now."

Arriving at the loft, the Castles found four Alexis's working on a project for medical school. "Hi, Dad. Hi Mom. Don't mind us." They said in perfect unison.

"Have you seen Grams?" Rick asked.

"She's at her school." Alexis said. "She's redoing Casablanca with a Ronald Reagan unit and an Ann Sheridan unit, just to see what happens."

"Who's playing Captain Renault?" Rick asked.

"It was supposed to be a Samuel L. Jackson, but some baseball player unit showed up instead." Alexis said, mystified.

Kate took Rick's arm and pulled him into the bedroom. "Rick, I don't know…"

"Don't know what?" Said a voice from behind her.

Kate whirled around to see a naked and obviously fully functional Rick Castle unit. "What are you doing here?"

"I am programmed to…" The machine began.

"Out! Out!" Kate screamed. "Go find Detective Beckett 3 and never come to the loft again!"

The unit headed for the door.

"Get dressed first, dammit!" She screamed at the unit. Kate threw her arms around Rick. "I can't handle this. I just can't. "

"I am programmed to be there for you." Rick said.

Kate looked up. There on his forehead was the number 1.

Kate sat straight up in bed, her heart pounding. There beside her was her husband. Rick opened his eyes.

"Problem?" He asked.

"A nightmare. It was about robots and they were taking over, but they were incompetent and…Forget it. Just hold me."

"Always."