537. Chapter 537

After Still

Episode 5.22

By

UCSBdad

Disclaimer: I've been advised by my legion of fan that I don't own Castle. Rating: K Time: See above.

Once back at the loft, Kate put her arms around Castle and hung on tight.

"You okay?" He asked, worried.

She nodded. "Yes. It's just I've had adrenaline pumping through me for hours. Plus one horrible thought after another running through my mind. I'm still totally wired and crashing at the same time."

Castle picked her up and carried her into their bedroom. He gently put her on the bed and lay down next to her. She snuggled against him and began to relax. She looked up and saw that he was smiling. "Are you happy?" She asked. "You should be. We're both alive."

"I'm smiling because you love me. You told me so."

"I do love you, and I should have told you a lot sooner. I'm sorry, Rick. I should have told you that I love you so much sooner, but there were so many things…."

"Those walls?" He guessed.

"In some ways I think they'll always be with me. I'm sorry."

He put his finger over her lips. "I have no idea what you've gone through in your life, Kate. And I never want to know what it was like. If anyone should have walls, it's you."

"You were right, though. I was in love with you before you were in love with me. But I…" She stopped.

"You don't have to say anything, Kate. I understand."

She shook her head. "Yes, I do have to explain. Castle, I was afraid of loving you. Of losing you. For the longest time I thought that I loved you more than you loved me. I was afraid you'd leave and leave me a complete mess. I underestimated you. I always have." She grinned. "I really have to stop doing that."

Castle looked serious. "Don't be too sure that you fell for me first. Do you remember our first case? We were sitting there reading my fan mail and I began telling you about yourself. And I told you that you'd lost someone close to you and the killer was never caught and that was why you became a cop. Just for a second, I looked into your eyes and saw the pain you were in. The strangest thing happened. I wanted to take all of that pain away. That was a very unusual thing for Rick Castle to do. I admit, I surprised myself. My usual thoughts when meeting a beautiful woman were….different from that."

Kate laughed. "You've continually surprised me. I should have told you how you surprised me, but I didn't. There are so many things I should have told you."

"You never needed to tell me, Kate. I knew and I…"

"No. I need to tell you now. Okay? Just let me say the things I should have said. Do you remember the Candela kidnaping?"

"Sure."

"You were very brave, Castle. Agreeing to take the ransom money to the drop."

Castle laughed. "Yeah, an accountant who weighed ninety eight pounds soaking wet could have hit me with her purse. That's hardly above and beyond the call of duty."

She shook her head. "For all you knew, you were meeting a cold blooded professional criminal who wouldn't think twice about killing you. Or some kid, high on drugs, could have been spooked by absolutely nothing and killed you. The gun battle with the Nigerian and when you got beat up by that jewel thief, you just walked into danger with no idea what was about to happen. This time was different. No, I was very impressed, and I should have told you so."

"And what did I do next? I looked into your mom's case when you told me not to."

"And the man who killed her is dead and I know who ordered it. I failed to find any evidence of my mom's killer. But you didn't fail me, even though you knew we'd be through. It took me a while to understand it, but you did a very brave thing, being willing to give up our relationship to bring me closure. But it was what you did after Coonan died that really impressed you?"

"I bought you takeout?" Castle asked with a smile.

"You said you couldn't work with me anymore because I had to shoot Coonan to save you. And I told you that I enjoyed having you pulling on my pigtails, but that if you ever told anyone, I'd shoot you. I was telling you that I was embarrassed to let people know that I actually liked you. That was a terrible thing to say. I should have told you that I liked having you around and that I hoped we could be friends."

"I did stay around and we became friends."

"Far later than we should have been. And I shouldn't have gotten angry with you when my apartment got bombed. Like the only reason you'd come running into a burning apartment was to see me naked."

"I'd cheerfully run into a burning apartment to see you naked. Or even is a sexy outfit. Or just your regular work clothes."

She kissed him softly. "You don't have to run anywhere to see all of me you want. But I should have let you take me back to the loft and dragged you into a nice hot both with me. A long, long bath."

"With Martha and Alexis there? Really?"

"You risked your life for me, Castle. And then again when you followed me to finally get Scott Dunn. I had plenty of time there in your loft. I should have said something."

"Kate, you don't have to apologize for…"

"And then I dated Tom Demming and practically rubbed your nose in it. I deserved it when you walked out of the precinct to go to the Hamptons with Gina."

"And I rubbed your nose in my fling with Ellie Monroe. I deserved what I got. And you never have and never will deserve to be hurt by me."

She put her head on his chest. "We'll have to agree to disagree." Kate smiled. "I remember the first time you kissed me. You said that the way I took the guard down was amazing. The kiss was amazing, Castle. And if I'd had any sense, I'd have dragged you off somewhere and shown you just what an amazing kiss is. But I didn't."

"You were with Josh. You're not the sort of person who'd cheat."

"No, but I'm the sort of person who'd date someone she didn't love instead of the man she did love. What does that say about me?"

"That you had walls and those walls were there for a reason."

"You're letting me off too easy, Rick."

"Not at all. Not at all."

"I almost told you that I loved you when we were freezing to death in that freezer. And then I went back to Josh. Do you want to explain that piece of stupidity on my part away?"

"You had fallen in love with a well-known womanizer with two ex-wives and all sorts of love affairs behind him. Anyone would be cautious."

"That was behind you, Rick. Behind you. I knew damned well you weren't the empty headed Page Six playboy I had thought I knew. I came close again in LA. Mike Royce told me in his letter that you and I had something special and that I shouldn't let it get away. But I almost did. I should have slept with you in that hotel. And don't you dare say I shouldn't have."

"You shouldn't have slept with me. Not without breaking up with Josh first."

Kate rolled her eyes. "You never do what I tell you, do you?"

"I can't help it. You do something to me."

"And I did do something to you, didn't I? My stupidest move yet. I almost destroyed us because I was afraid. Afraid of everything. Of loving you, of being shot, of Montgomery being…I was just afraid of everything. I could have destroyed us, couldn't I?"

"Never. It was partly my fault, too. Instead of running away and treating you like shit, I should have talked to you. Asked for an explanation. Acted like an adult instead of a sulky kid."

"And when you tried to save my life, I broke up with you. Thank you, Castle for staying all of those years when you should have just given up on Kate Beckett as a lost cause. I've needed you for years and I wouldn't admit it. I have no idea how miserable my life would be without you."

"It's okay, Kate. We're together now. You deserve to be happy and luckily you've met someone who does making people happy very well."

Kate smiled and then yawned.

"Tired?"

She nodded. "The adrenaline is draining from my body. I'm just really tired."

Castle pulled the bedspread up over them. "Go to sleep. I'll be here when you wake up."

She nodded sleepily and closed her eyes.

"I'll be here. Always."